6 tips for toxic relatives how to handle family problems

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6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family... http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/tips-for-toxic-...

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6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen | | 17 Comments

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How Do You Get Along WithToxic Family Members?

These tips for toxic relatives will help you cope with relatives you love, but just can’t get along with. Whether you need tohandle family problems caused by siblings, parents, or other relatives, you’ll find something helpful here…

Before the tips, a quip:

“Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others,” wrote Mignon McLaughlin. “Yet it sometimes happens thatthey also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is notfor keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.”

There’s a difference between a family quarrel and a toxic relative, though. A toxic relative may keep you out on that limb,unwilling to return – and maybe that’s the best thing for you! For help with family problems, read Leaving Home: The Art of

Separating From Your Difficult Family.

And, here are five tips for coping with problems with family members…

6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems

1. Know when to draw the line. On my How to Cope With Difficult Parents article, many readers describe toxic relatives


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who cause a lot of harm to themselves and their family members. My readers ask the same question over and over: “Howcan I stop my brother/parent/uncle/family member from doing it again?” It depends on the situation, of course, but manytimes the answer is found in letting your relatives face the consequences. If you keep protecting them from naturalconsequences, they’ll keep acting the same way.

2. Figure out what the “natural consequences” are. If your relative causesphysical harm to another person or family member, then a naturalconsequence is legal action. If your relative always borrows money and neverpays it back, then a natural consequence could be filing suit for repayment(provided you and your relative signed a loan agreement). Another naturalconsequence is not being invited to family dinners or celebrations (if the toxicrelative always ruins the get-togethers). Many families try – out of love – toprotect their relatives from the results of their actions. This may appear to bea loving thing to do, but it’s “enabling.” It perpetuates the behavior.

3. Learn how to deal with difficult people. Dealing with toxic people canbe challenging, but there are many books and resources on how to deflectconflicts and situations. Read about boundaries, take workshops or classesabout setting healthy boundaries with difficult people, and consider talking toa family counselor about the best way to handle family problems.

4. Distance yourself from toxic relatives. Sometimes the best way tohandle family problems is to separate yourself physically and emotionally.This may mean moving to a different house, state, or country. Or, it may meannot answering the phone until you’re mentally and emotionally ready to talk.You don’t necessarily need to cut toxic relatives out of your life; rather, youcan give them a quick call every 2-3 months — or you can send a note instead

of calling.

5. Don’t expect your family member to change. Change the things you have control over, such as how often you visit.Even knowing you have control over the littlest things can make a difference! Your toxic relative may never change, but youcan empower yourself in different ways. For instance, if you have an alcoholic sibling, you can join an Al-Anon supportgroup. Toxic relatives are stressful – there’s no doubt about it – but you can reduce the stress by checking your own attitudeand response to them.

6. Expect criticism. Handling problems with family requires setting healthy boundaries. It’s easier to set boundaries thanto actually stick to them! Learn how to protect your boundaries despite criticism from other people. And remember that yourtoxic relatives may not think they’re doing anything wrong, and may not see the negative effect they have on you or others.They may think everyone should live and act the way they do. That’s their right, and it’s your right to live the way you seefit.

For more tips, read What to Do When Your Mother Problems Keep Getting Worse.

What do you think of these tips for toxic relatives? I welcome your questions and comments below…

Share/Bookmark

Related posts:

How to Solve Family Problems – Solutions for Toxic Relatives1.Family Problems at Christmas? 6 Ways to Cope With Family Fights2.Mother-in-Law Problems – How to Cope With Toxic In-Laws3.

Category: Emotional Health Tips, Family Tips, Identity & Life Tips, Love & Relationships, Mind & Soul, Parenting Tips,Solving Relationship Problems, Tips for Teens & Children

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Comments (17)

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:August 26, 2011 at 10:04 am

I’m falling behind in answering comments; bear with me! I’ll catch up very soon…

Angel_88, I’m glad you can see how your family is treating you, and I hope you can stand up to them. Many of us wouldjust conform to family pressure and demands! It takes strength and courage to handle problems with family – especiallywhen they don’t let you speak.

I wrote this article for you:

How to Be You When Your Family Wants You to be Someone Else

I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.

Blessings,Laurie

1.

Jaz says:August 25, 2011 at 5:26 am

I have a few family members who are alcoholics but, none of them will admit it! Their father was also an alcoholic andthey know that but, because they are all functioning alcoholics they do not think they have a problem.

Whenever we have any family gatherings we always have wine or beer because, if we did not supply it they wouldbring it. It never fails at every gathering at least one of them gets very intoxicated and becomes an obnoxious drunk. Ido my best to forgive them and consider where it comes from but,when they made a friend of mine that was meeting myfamily for the first time uncomfortable that was my final straw.

I haven’t spoke to them about it and I am really not sure if I should? I feel if I let it go they will continue to do thesethings so, I need some advice as to what I should do?

2.

casa2012 says:August 12, 2011 at 11:58 am

My life is hell!!!!, ever since I brought my mom from overseas to stay with me and my son. She is verydemanding,wanted to go to the doctor almost every day,was always asking for stuff,like clothes,shoes,pedicure. Anddid not want to follow my rules in my own apartment,she felt she has control over me,like I was her slave.the batroom was always nasty. She expecte me to come home to clean and cook after work. I though by bringging her Iwas gonna have at least some emotional support,but Im leaving in depression since ever she came.

3.

angel_88 says:July 24, 2011 at 11:09 am

i have a huge problem with my family. they never consider that every time the put me down, they keep kicking mearound and around. i have no such voice at all and even my right is revoke as well. they tried to make me someone imnot.also when i tried to say what im my heart they shut me down and contradict making me feel like nobody.im trappedin hell here. the only thing that make me happy at home is technolgy, my friend, doing something creative, amdsomething like. but not my some of my family. please help me!

4.

Gisselle says:June 7, 2011 at 8:21 am

I have had problems with my husband´s toxic family. My mother in law is extremely dependant on her kids to the pointthat she has never worked a day in her life and now that she is divorced a second time, expects her kids to support hereconomically and she is only 55 years old and very healthy. His sister who lives with his mother is still single and isthe one with the most economical burden because she has to support her mother and her half brother (son from mymother in law´s second marriage) who has a learning dissability and has had to pay for all medical costs, expensivespecial schools, etc. My sister in law is also toxic since she is always getting into trouble with her relationships withmen and is a compulsive buyer and is up to her eyeballs in dept.

5.


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They are in constant problems with one thing or another and every time my husband would go visit them they would fillhis head with all of their problems and he would come back home burdened and with a guilt trip because I have triedover the years to convince him that he is not responsible for their actions or decisions. His mother can find a job atanything to help herself out but he has always been afraid of her because she was very violent with him when he was achild.

Anyway, he las let me take control over how she and his sister affect us and I decided 3 years ago to cut them out ofour lives. We moved much farther away from them and since now I am the “bad” one they decided to never come to ourhome which I can´t be happier. I never liked the atmosphere or vibes of our home after they would visit us. He can govisit them whenever he wants and help them out if there is a major emergency but even he has learned that his familyis disfunctional and toxic and should be kept at a distance and far from our daughter.

Lady Space says:March 5, 2011 at 8:24 am

My mom comes packaged with a variety of attributes. Sometimes she is toxic because of her negativity and desires tobe waited on, although she can do for herself. She is overweight, doesn’t eat much. She has trouble giving herself aproper bath. When I was a child my stepdad tried to molest me and my sister and when we told my mom she said thatshe didn’t believe us. I thought that I had put this behind me, but I wander if I’m still upset with my mom for notintervening. It has made for a strained relationship. I feel like finally I had been able to move past my life as a child.Now my mom is becoming more dependent, wanting a us to become her personal assistant and offering advice that wehaven’t asked for. We love her, but she knows how to bring you down and try to manipulate you. Now I have achronically ill child who has breathing problems and has a gastrostomy feeding tube. My mom wants to move in withme because she and my older sister argue alot.You cannot use the same bathroom as my mom because she poops on the toilet. She says that she cleans behindherself, but don’t have to go to the bathroom in a hurry because you may not get to sit down in comfort. I know myletter is somewhat disorganized, please excuse the disassociations. The other thing is that she has multiple homes, isa really bad hoarder and can’t take care of any of the issues for herself. I do have a younger brother who is about 32years old and he says that hecan’t help help take care of her because she is his mom and not his dad. He is a medicalworker and

6.

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:October 3, 2010 at 6:39 pm

Thanks for your comment, Anne2. Though I’m sorry you’re in a similar position as the first Anne, I’m very glad youshared your story here. If it doesn’t help her, I know it’ll help others. The more tips for toxic relatives we share, thebetter able we’ll be to handle family problems!

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen recently wrote…How Do I Stop Snoring Sleep Solutions for People Who Snore

7.

Anne2 says:September 29, 2010 at 8:26 pm

Anne’s mother and father sound like mine, I completely empathize. I had to move away and limit my exposure to myMother’s slice and dice moves. In the past few years, similar to what was mentioned above, I leave her presence orend the phone conversation to attempt to curb her selfish, negative, obnoxious, critical, judgemental and controllingbehavior. Aging has made her worse and her public displays and rudeness towards others has hit new highs. She seesno wrong with herself, couldn’t apologize if her life depended upon it and sorry is an unknown concept. I accept she iswhat she is and but choose not to dwell in her realities. For years I felt guilty for not loving her like I knew I shouldbut as I age I have learned the variants in the concept of love and have a place for her, just not what maybe another’sdefinition. Her example serves me as something to not be and teaches me daily to be kind, positive, supportive andhelpful to others along with huge gratitude for the good in life. The biggest saving grace, thank you God, I am not likeher. Hang in there Anne and I will, too!

8.

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:September 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm

Dear Jim,

An “Elderly Parent Whisperer” is a very interesting concept, but I’ve never heard of one!

However, I do know that there are many, many top-notch counselors and psychologists who have experience withelderly seniors who have dementia or a cognitive impairment.

I suggest asking your family doctor for a referral to a support system of some kind. Both you and your mother might

9.


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benefit from objective, professional support. You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help andsharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you thestrength and courage you need.

I just wrote an article called How to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems, which describes six ways toget help. It might give you some new ideas.

I wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!

Laurie

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen recently wrote…How to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems

Jim says:September 2, 2010 at 11:42 am

My mother is not “toxic” but now, having been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, she occasionally has severebouts of stubbornness that are “hard to take”. This typically happens when she needs to get up in the morning butabsolutely refuses to do so. She’ll start to pout and cry like a little girl: it’s creepy. I’ve tried various techniques in thissituation and have found that “tough-talk” or locking horns with her makes her worse. The best technique seems to betotally ignoring her protests and trying to get her to laugh or converse about something totally unrelated to “why sheneeds to get up”. This seems to wake her up and get her into a state in which she’s more compliant. But it’schallenging for me–especially when I’m trying to get to work on time. But these experiments have made me wonder ifthere might be a “Horse Whisperer” sort of technique for dealing with stubborn elderly parents (“Elderly ParentWhisperer”?). Are you familiar with any book or study that approaches the problem from that angle?Thanks.

10.

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:August 21, 2010 at 8:49 am

Thanks for your comment, Amy!

I really like your idea of placing positive photos and memorabilia around the house — it’s a great tip for toxic

relatives. You don’t need to talk to spread positive energy

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen recently wrote…What Are the Best Brain Vitamins 10 Brain Improvement Tips

11.

Amy Yvonne Thompson says:August 13, 2010 at 1:27 pm

This is good advice. Do not wilt under criticism, listen to your convictions and act on them. When someone is negativeabout everything it is because they choose that way of life. There is no reason under the sun for anyone to just do it forattention for if we continue to aid that type of mantality we are not doing them justice for we know better than tobehave that way. Just like a class clown and everyone laughing at what they do, it just encourages it. I found that bytelling someone if we are going to be friends I won’t stand for a negative attitude, and that is a boundary and a rulethat you give them. If they continuously give you negativity then you have a reason to stop being around them. As far aschildren go, I found that placing positive statement photos and memorabilia around the home helps. That gives them achoice and usually children are very much aware of the positive energy and like it more.

12.

anne says:August 11, 2010 at 10:39 am

Mother has always been selfish and getting worse as she is older. She is extremely rude and a real jerk to my father ( Iwould have divorced her long ago and told him so). She has a bad attitude and when she on the outs with one personor another in the family its never anything she said or did.Our family has been dealing with this for almost 50 yearsand Im now at the end of my rope and beyond.Dad is out of comision and cant drive for a few more weeks, I was ableto take some time off earlier on in the week but back to work and other things that have come up. I have 6 othersibelings whom have been there weekly to take shopping and ect. She flipped last week in a store saying that I haventbeen there in a month even though I call 2=3 times a week…she never mentioned she needed to get some errandsdone,when I said how come she did not call and ask me. I will make the time she said Im not kissing your a%% oranyone elses. She screamed at me like I was nothing. I havent spoken to her but have talked to dad. If he was notaround I honestly would never want to talk to her again. She brings everyone in the family down and she is so damnegative about everything. She cant find good in anything and believe me it wears you down…..this just knocked thewind right from out of my sail..Im done ..I could write a book and you could not image the crap she has put us threw..Well, now that said I feel a little better to cont my day.Thanks

13.


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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:July 3, 2010 at 5:50 am

Hi Conversation Arts,

Thank you for bringing up the topic of forgiveness….and I, too, find the thought that our relatives are doing the bestthey can very soothing! Giving people the benefit of the doubt can reduce our negative feelings.

Laurie

14.

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:July 3, 2010 at 5:47 am

Hi Becky,

Thanks for your comments — it sounds like you have a lot of insight into your brother! I think the more insight we haveinto toxic people, the easier it is to deal with them.

But, insight doesn’t take away the pain of family problems.

Laurie

15.

Becky says:June 26, 2010 at 9:45 pm

Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretend what happened is ok. Forgiveness is also not the same thing as reconciliation. Thepoint of forgiveness is to take the power out of how the situation affects you.

It’s dangerous to think that toxic people are helpless victims. They do what they do because they are getting somethingout of it. With my brother, it’s a power and a control thing. It’s also about value. My brother values winning more thanhe does other people. If his behavior wasn’t feeding his need to win, he’d be doing something else.

16.

Conversation Arts says:June 8, 2010 at 5:47 pm

I’ve had some problems in the past with family. I find that for myself I do my best to forgive people for their behaviourbut that doesn’t mean that I need to do be all loving all the time. And I remind myself that no relative purposely tries tobe toxic, they are doing the best they can at that very moment. For me I find that very soothing.

But the one thing I have learned is to definitely let go and not blame myself for any of their behaviour or to try tochange them. It’s best to change myself and my reactions, and that’s all I can do.

17.

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I'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen, a blogger who writes articles in response to readers' questions, to help and inspire everyone who visits! My

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