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Posted: 07/02/2014 4:47 pm EDT Updated: 09/01/2014 5:59 am EDT

5 Reasons Modern-Day ParentingIs in Crisis, According to a BritishNanny

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I generally am quite an optimistic person. I tend to believe that everything will work

out for the best unless the evidence is overwhelmingly to the contrary, and anyone

who knows me will tell you that I am not prone to drama. That's why when I say

that modern parenting is in serious trouble -- crisis, even -- I hope you'll listen, and

listen carefully. I've worked with children and their parents across two continents and

two decades, and what I've seen in recent years alarms me. Here are the greatest

problems, as I see them:

1. A fear of our children.

I have what I think of as "the sippy cup test," wherein I will observe a parent getting

her toddler a cup of milk in the morning. If the child says, "I want the pink sippy cup,

not the blue!" yet the mum has already poured the milk into the blue sippy cup, I

watch carefully to see how the parent reacts. More often than not, the mum's face

whitens and she rushes to get the preferred sippy cup before the child has a tantrum.

Fail! What are you afraid of, mum? Who is in charge here? Let her have a tantrum,

and remove yourself so you don't have to hear it. But for goodness' sake, don't make

extra work for yourself just to please her -- and even more importantly, think about

the lesson it teaches if you give her what she wants because she's thrown a fit.

2. A lowered bar.

When children misbehave, whether it's by way of public outburst or private surliness,

parents are apt to shrug their shoulders as if to say, "That's just the way it is with

kids." I assure you, it doesn't have to be. Children are capable of much more than

parents typically expect from them, whether it's in the form of proper manners,

respect for elders, chores, generosity or self-control. You don't think a child can sit

through dinner at a restaurant? Rubbish. You don't think a child can clear the table

without being asked? Rubbish again! The only reason they don't behave is because

you haven't shown them how and you haven't expected it! It's that simple. Raise the

bar and your child shall rise to the occasion.

3. We've lost the village.

It used to be that bus drivers, teachers, shopkeepers and other parents had carte

blanche to correct an unruly child. They would act as the mum and dad's eyes and

ears when their children were out of sight, and everyone worked towards the same

shared interest: raising proper boys and girls. This village was one of support. Now,

when someone who is not the child's parent dares to correct him, the mum and dad

get upset. They want their child to appear perfect, and so they often don't accept

teachers' and others' reports that he is not. They'll storm in and have a go at a teacher

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rather than discipline their child for acting out in class. They feel the need to project a

perfect picture to the world and unfortunately, their insecurity is reinforced because

many parents do judge one another. If a child is having a tantrum, all eyes turn on

the mum disapprovingly. Instead she should be supported, because chances are the

tantrum occurred because she's not giving in to one of her child's demands. Those

observers should instead be saying, "Hey, good work -- I know setting limits is hard."

4. A reliance on shortcuts.

I think it's wonderful that parents have all sorts of electronics to help them through

airline flights and long waits at the doctor's office. It's equally fabulous that we can

order our groceries online for delivery, and heat up healthy-ish food at the touch of a

button on the microwave. Parents are busier than ever, and I'm all for taking the easy

way when you need it. But shortcuts can be a slippery slope. When you see how

wonderful it is that Caillou can entertain your child on a flight, don't be tempted to

put it on when you are at a restaurant. Children must still learn patience. They must

still learn to entertain themselves. They must still learn that not all food comes out

steaming hot and ready in three minutes or less, and ideally they will also learn to

help prepare it. Babies must learn to self-soothe instead of sitting in a vibrating chair

each time they're fussy. Toddlers need to pick themselves up when they fall down

instead of just raising their arms to mum and dad. Show children that shortcuts can

be helpful, but that there is great satisfaction in doing things the slow way too.

5. Parents put their children's needs ahead of their own.

Naturally, parents are wired to take care of their children first, and this is a good thing

for evolution! I am an advocate of adhering to a schedule that suits your child's

needs, and of practices like feeding and clothing your children first. But parents today

have taken it too far, completely subsuming their own needs and mental health for

the sake of their children. So often I see mums get up from bed again and again to

fulfill the whims of their child. Or dads drop everything to run across the zoo to get

their daughter a drink because she's thirsty. There is nothing wrong with not going to

your child when she wants yet another glass of water at night. There's nothing wrong

with that dad at the zoo saying, "Absolutely you can have something to drink, but you

must wait until we pass the next drinking fountain." There is nothing wrong with

using the word "No" on occasion, nothing wrong with asking your child to entertain

herself for a few minutes because mummy would like to use the toilet in private or

flick through a magazine for that matter.

I fear that if we don't start to correct these five grave parenting mistakes, and soon,

the children we are raising will grow up to be entitled, selfish, impatient and rude

adults. It won't be their fault -- it will be ours. We never taught them any differently,

we never expected any more of them. We never wanted them to feel any discomfort,

and so when they inevitably do, they are woefully unprepared for it. So please, parents

and caregivers from London to Los Angeles, and all over the world, ask more. Expect

more. Share your struggles. Give less. And let's straighten these children out, together,

and prepare them for what they need to be successful in the real world and not the

sheltered one we've made for them.

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