5-5-5MANAGINGCON FLICT

PAUL & JULIE MAVROGEORGE

BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE

22Put off your old self, which belongs to your

former manner of life and is corrupt through

deceitful desires, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of

your minds, 24 and put on the new self, created

after the likeness of God in true righteousness and

holiness. 25 Therefore, having put away falsehood,

let each one of you speak the truth with his

neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26Be

angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down

on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the

devil.

Ephesians 4:22-27 (ESV)

5 STYLES19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

James 1:19-20 (NIV)

IDENTIFYING DIFFERENCES

5 STYLES & ACTIVATORS

Activator-the element of ones

personality that when missing or

triggered, causes an unhealthy response

Reactor Anger

Dictator Authority

Negotiator Alignment

Hoarder Assurance

Avoider Acceptance

REACTOR

Activator-Anger

• Lets you have it

• Hot Head

• Emotional

• Blows Up

• Irrational

• Creates Fear

• No Thought

• Overly Sensitive

DICTATOR

Activator-Authority

• Tells You How It Is

• Close Minded

• Always Right

• My Way or The

Highway

• Emotionless

• Hard/Cold/Distant

• Defensive

• Relentless

• Controlling

NEGOTIATOR

Activator-Alignment

• Focus on Their Agenda

• “Suggests”

• Sways

• Directs Conversation

• Convinces/Persuades

• Manipulates

• Wants Alignment

• Predicts/

Predetermines

• Appears Engaged

HOARDER

Activator-Assurance

• List Maker

• Stews

• Builds Resentment

• Rationalizes

Behavior

• Over Thinks

• Unforgiving

• Harbors Bitterness

• Non-Emotional

• Does Not Share

• Avoids Conflict

AVOIDER

Activator-Acceptance

• Permissive/Quiet

• Passive/Compliant

• “It’s Ok”

• Little Affect

• No Conflict

• Appears at Peace

• Not Really Engaged

• Hides Real Feelings

• Withholds Info when

Communicating

5 STYLES SUMMARY

REACTOR DICTATOR NEGOTIATOR

Emotional Controlling Manipulative

Blows Up Defensive Pre-Determines

Let’s You Have It Cold/Hard Sways/Suggests

HOARDER AVOIDER

List Maker Passive

Resentful Compliant

Builds Bitterness “It’s Ok”

REACTOR

• DESIRES

–Control

–Connection

–Freedom

– Independence

• FEARS

–Being Controlled

–Routine

DICTATOR

• DESIRES

–Accomplished

Goals

–“Right” Answers

–Focused Results

–Precision

• FEARS

–Being Out of

Control

–Being Taken

Advantage Of

NEGOTIATOR

• DESIRES

–Express Feelings

–Be Heard

–Encouragement

–Recognition of Ideas

• FEARS

–Abandonment

–Rejection

HOARDER

• DESIRES

–Be Understood

–Order and

Boundaries

–Security

–Specifics

• FEARS

–Criticism

–Loss of Security

AVOIDER

• DESIRES

–Assurance

–Reliability

–Peace

–Safety

• FEARS

–Conflict

–Loss of Approval

QUIZ TIME

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MANAGING CONLCTBREAK

REACTOR

• ACTIVATOR

-Anger

• COPES BY

-Venting

• Biblical Principle for Change:

Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly

hold it back.

Proverbs 29:11 (NLT)

DICTATOR

• ACTIVATOR

-Authority

• COPES BY

– Implementing rules

• Biblical Principle for Change:25 ”You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord

it over them, and their great ones exercise

authority over them. 26 It shall not be so

among you. But whoever would be great

among you must be your servant...”

Matthew 20:25-26 (ESV)

NEGOTIATOR

• ACTIVATOR

- Alignment

• COPES BY

–Verbal Manipulation

• Biblical Principle for Change:3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in

humility count others more significant than

yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to

his own interests, but also to the interests of

others.

Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)

HOARDER

• ACTIVATOR

- Assurance

• COPES BY

– Internal Dialogue

• Biblical Principle for Change:

“Judge not others, and you will not be

judged. Do not condemn others, or it will

come back against you. Forgive others,

and you will be forgiven.”

Luke 6:37 (NLT)

AVOIDER

• ACTIVATOR

- -Acceptance

• COPES BY

–Deflection

• Biblical Principle for Change:6Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray

about everything. Tell God what you need,

and thank him for all he has done. 7Then you

will experience God’s peace, which exceeds

anything we can understand.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

FIND YOUR PEOPLEDESCRIPTORS OF YOUR STYLE

WHAT IS NEEDED IN MIDST OF CONFLICT

GREATEST STRENGTHS

BREAKOUT GROUPS

5 SETBACKSDo not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

EMBRACING WEAKNESSES

SETBACKS

Sinful Behaviors &

Deceitful Desires

That Need to Change

SEEDS OF SETBACKS

• Basic Wiring

• Past Hurts

• Family System

• Current Ongoing Sin

• Ignorance/Arrogance = PRIDE

• Status Quo (Fear, Doubt, or Pain)

• Selfish or Self-Centered Desires

CURSE

• C- Constant Criticism (Dictator)

• U- Uncontrolled Anger (Reactor)

• R- Rejection (Avoider)

• S- Shame Based Speech (Negotiator)

• E- Extremes (Hoarder)

• Does not think things through

• Feelings ARE reality

• No rational thought

• Uncontrolled anger

• No filter

–Dumps/Spews whatever they are

feeling

• They are right and you are wrong

• Takes control of situation and people

• Decides what's right/wrong based on

their opinions

• Opinions are fact

NEGOTIATOR SETBACKS

• Believes they are right

• Persuades others to believe like

they do

• Appears engaged

• Shame based speech

HOARDER SETBACKS

• Stuffs feelings

• Keeps a list of wrongs

–Charges interest on your behavior

• Non-emotional then lets you have it all

• Unloads emotions in intense manner

• Extremes

AVOIDER SETBACKS

• Avoids conflict at all costs

• Holds opinions and feelings to keep

peace

• Assumes the worst reaction from

others

• Plays the role of martyr

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MANAGING CONLCTBREAK

BIBLICAL PRINCIPLE

22Put off your old self, which belongs to your

former manner of life and is corrupt through

deceitful desires, 23 and be renewed in the spirit of

your minds, 24 and put on the new self, created

after the likeness of God in true righteousness and

holiness. 25 Therefore, having put away falsehood,

let each one of you speak the truth with his

neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26Be

angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down

on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the

devil.

Ephesians 4:22-27 (ESV)

5 SOLUTIONS

A gentle answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

KNOWING WHAT THEY NEED

REACTOR SOLUTIONS

• Build Safe Environment

• Respond to Person—Not Reaction

• Connect to Their Heart

• Do Not “Trap” Them

• Give Them Space

• Maintain Relationship

DICTATOR SOLUTIONS

• Be Brief, Direct, and to the POINT

• Share Facts….not FEELINGS

• Focus on Solutions

• Never Generalize or Ramble

• Have Your, “Ducks in a Row”

• Ask “What”… Not “How”

NEGOTIATOR SOLUTIONS

• Acknowledge their position

• Listen to their feelings, ideas, and

thoughts, without interruption

• Share opposing ideas, feelings and

thoughts without attacking theirs

• Share your perspective/heart….

not just facts

• Work together toward common goal

• Ask “How”…Not “Why”

HOARDER SOLUTIONS

• Do not accuse the person

• Present facts without communicating

their intent or heart

• Share your part of conflict

• Equally share responsibility

• Leave room for, “The Rest of the Story”

• Ask, “Why”…Not “How”

AVOIDER SOLUTIONS

• Encourage communication

• Let them talk without Verbal or Non-verbal

Response

• Listen attentively

• Give permission to disagree

• Do not be demanding

• Assure follow up (Who does, What

by When)

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MANAGING CONFLICTTOOLS

SOLUTION TOOLS

1. Hold Your Thoughts Captive

2. Survey the Situation

3. Careful Consideration

4. BLESS

5. Feedback

HOLD THOUGHTS CAPTIVE

We demolish arguments and every

pretension that sets itself up against

the knowledge of God, and we take

captive every thought to make it

obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

HOLD THOUGHTS CAPTIVEBe Ye Transformed, Nancy Missler

• Chain ReactionThought Emotion Desire Action

• Evaluation of an incoming thought, prevents an

unwanted action and leads to a renewed mind.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2 (NIV)

SURVEY THE SITUATIONCrucial Conversations, Kerry Patterson

• Content

–The content of a problem typically deals

with a single event

• Pattern

–The history of a problem makes the issue

more significant

• Relationship

–The string of disappointments causes

loss of trust in the other person

FORMULATE A PLAN

CAREFUL CONSIDERATION

BEFORE YOU SPEAK :

1. Determine their Style

2. Consider their Fear

3. Recognize their Desire

4. Acknowledge their Setbacks

5. Seek their Solutions

BLESS

• Biblical Principle8 Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. 9 Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.

1 Peter 3:8-9 (NLT)

BLESSING PRINCIPLE

•B- Begin With Your Observation

• L- Let Them Hear Your Perspective

• E- Encourage Them to Share

•S- Speak With Humility

•S- Seek Common Ground

BLESS

• B: Begin With Your Observations

–Observations are a safe beginning –Avoid conclusions–Observations of what we saw

• L: Let Them Hear Your Perception

–Sharing how we interpreted what has occurred

–This is our interpretation about what we observed

BLESS

• E: Encourage Them To Share

– Invite others to share their perception– Am I willing to learn from this person?– Be willing to modify and change your

interpretation based this new information– As they share, the amount of information

increases and we gain new understanding

BLESS

• S: Speak with Humility–Not stated as a fact –Share in a way that express confidence and

humility–Helps decrease defensiveness–Use “I” and not “YOU” statements–“I am beginning to wonder if...”–“In my opinion...”

• S: Seek Common Ground–Be willing to hear all the ideas even if they differ –Disagree with your own point view –Ask for opposing and controversial views

FEEDBACKSummarize Dialogue Without Commentary

• Examples

-”I appreciate…”

-”I accept…”

-”I understand…”

• Questions to Consider

- Am I being unreasonable?

- Is it a major or a minor?

- Am I lying to myself?

FEEDBACK

PRACTICE FEEDBACK

“I appreciate…”

“I accept…”

“I understand…”

REFLECTIVE LISTENING

DELIVERERB- Begin With Your

Observation

L- Let Them Hear Your

Perspective

E- Encourage Them to

Share

S- Speak With Humility

S- Seek Common

Ground

RECEIVER• Summarize

• Feedback Their Words

• DO NOT Editorialize

• Ask, “Is That Correct?”

IF NO: Repeat Key Points

IF YES: FEEDBACK

• “I Accept…”

• “I Appreciate…”

• “I Understand…”

HARMONY4 Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled. 5 May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus.

Romans 15:4-5 (NLT)

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MANAGING CONFLICTPAUL & JULIE MAVROGEORGE