4. why do my emotions hurt so much

7/29/2019 4. Why Do My Emotions Hurt So Much

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Cunprrn4

Why Do My EmotionsHurt SoMuch?

We'veestablishedhat emotions ave unctions nduses, ut so what?you maybe hav_ing sucha rough timewith yout emotionshatyou think no survival unction s worththe ntensityand chaos hatyou feel.But et me tell you, t,snot ust thesensitive eoplewho feelpainfulemotionsike sadnessnd ear-we all do. However,we experienceuremotionswith varyingdegrees f intensity, nd thereare actorshat may be mcreasrngthe intensity with which you feel thern.The factorsto consider nclude:. Biology

. Vulnerabilityactorc

. Judgments nd secondary motional esponses

. Modelingand leaming actors, nd otherenvironmentalactors

Biologyand EmotionAs we've said,your emotions re n part biologically ard-wired. ou can,texpenenceyour emotionswithout your braingetting nvolved.And whenyour brain is involvedthele arenumerous ormones ndneurotransmittershatget nvolved, oo.Tlleway that


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34 Don't Let your Emolioks n YotlrLife

eachof ns experiencesur emotionss affected y the shapeof particrtlarpartsof tl-rebrairLcertainevelsof onehormone r another, nd all of these re alfected y orrrdiet,sleephabits,and so forth. -aterwe will look at chanSesl.rat ou can make n your life-stvle o increaseour emotionalesilience.ornow, herearesomeof the chemicalsn ourbodies hat are nvolved n emotion:

Cortisol.This hormones imPortant n helPing he body mctabolizcProteins ndcarbohydratesnd s telated o copingwith sh'ess nd atigue.Recent tudies uggesthatindividualswith lower baselines f Productionof cortisol are predisposedo post-traumaticstressdisorder PTSD), roblemswith attention,and imPulsivity ln someindividuals,unusuallyhigh evelsof cortisolare releasednto the brainat the time o{ atraumaticevent.With prolongedstressor trauma,cortisol evelsaPPearo droP,buttraumatizedndividualsdemonstraten especiailyeightened ensitivityo theamountsthatareproducedn theirbodies, nd his mayhavesome elationsh,iro the e\Periencesof flashbacks.

Serotonin. his hormone as a wide arrayof functions,ncludingemotioncontrol,perceptions,nd moodmodulahon n responseo stressful vents. or tlLose ho sufferfrom depressiont is thought hat thei brainsdon't produceenough erotonin r usc teffectively. hesedelicienciesontributeSreatlyo depressed ood.Carbohydratesndexerciseelp ncreaseerotoninevels. heanli-depressantsnown as serotonineuPtakeinhibitors SSRIs)ecycle erotoninn the brain and urake noreof it avaiiableEndorphins.Related o feeling good and pleasure, ndorphinsare Produced nresponseo touchand exercise.f you've everheardof "runner'shigh," this is a short-handway to talk about he experiencef increasedndorphins. ndorphins ndhumantouchare so mPortait to us that newbornswho aren't egularlyheld and touchedaremore ikelv to die prematurelyhan thosewho ale.

VulnerabilitiesVulnerabiiity actors ncrease our reactivityand suscePtibilityo being too emotionaland mpulsive, r to emotional uffering.Evenpeoplewho aregenerally nflappable revulnerable o being overly emotionalwhen they are fatigued,becomingmore easilyangered nd rritable.Theantidote?Well, n this case, leep.f you'vebcenampingup oncoffeeall day you will be more ikely to fidget or become nxious.Lookat the ollowing ist of vulnerabilityactors nd check ll that apPly o yor'r, ndthen add others ou rnaybe awareof but that aren'ton the ist. Bybuilding awarenessfyour vulnerabilities, ou learn how you can then reduce hem.Vulnerability actorsincluder

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Too much or too little sleepToo much unk foodDehydrationToo much cafleine


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WhyDo My EnotionsH tt SoMuc)1? 35

. HungerandPoornutritiono Overeating nd undereating. Injuries or wounds. Physical r medical liness. Financial roblems. Underemplo),rnent r unemployment. Overworking. Eating oo much suSar. Eating oo muchfat. Recentosses r accidents. Recent aturaldisasters. Recentrelationshipifficulties. Beinga victim of crime(assault,ape, heft, etc.). Lack of exercise. Fatigueo Dweliingon recentpersonalailureOther:

fudgments,Self-Talk,and InterPretationsVuherabilitiesalsoaffectour thoughtProcessesor the worse.The mme run down otreactive ou feel, he more ikely you are o think essof yourself f you're a man, andyou think of yourself sa sissy or experiencingearor for experiencingadness,ou mayfeelworse.Your emotionwon't simpiybe fear or sadness,ut fear about ear,sadnessabout sadness,nd maybeshameaboutboth of these.PerhaPs ou judge yourselfasbeingweak-willed, razy,or having"lost it." Your automatic houghtsand udgmentswitl affect he way you experienceour emotions. nd theseudgmentsoften ead tosecondary motions,which don't helP us with survival,socialconnection, r generalwell-being.If you thoughtabout t, you would likelydiscover hat your judgments boutyouremotions re eamed, orningrom your environmenthrou8hmocleling ow io exPress,control, r thinl about eelings. hiscanhappen ither mplicitlyor explicitly.What udg-ments do you have about your emotions,and where did they come from?Takea moment o checkhe temson the ollowint list that you dentifywith. In theblanknextto each,write the source I this belief.Thenwrite out the pros and consofholdingthat belief.Pros or holdingany beliefmight nclude hat t's just easier o hold


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36 Don't Izt Yow Eftotions Ruk yoltt LiIe

your beliefsas theyare since here's o extrawork to be done A.con miShtbe that youconhnuein your same old pattems, doing ineffectivebusinessas usual.

Judgments and Automatic Thoughts. Emotionsarebad and dumb.Rate trenSth fbelief:12 3 4 5l\rheredid this beliefcome iom'Prosand consof holdingthis beliefrPros: Cons:

My emotionsaren't mPoltant.Rate strength ol belief: 'l 2 3 4 5Where did this belief comefrom?Prosand consof holding this belief:Prw: Cons:

. Others don't care about my feelings,so I shouldn't careeither.Rate shength of belief: 'l 2 3 4 5l{here did this belief comefrom?Pros and consof holding this beliefrPros: Cons:

. Expressingmy feelings s a sign of weakness.Rate trength fbelief:12 3 4 5'lAtreredid this belief come from'Prosand consof holding this belief:Ptos: Cons:


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lNhyDo M! Emolioks l]rtf SoMuch? 37

. Beingemotional s fhe sameas being out of control.Ratestrengthof belief: 2 3 4 5Wheredid this belief corne rom?Prosand consoI holdingthis belief:

Cons:

. Anger sn't for women.Ratestrengtlrol belre[ 12 3 4 5Wheredid thisbelief come rom?Prosand consof holdingthis belief:Pros: Cons:

o Fear sn't for men.Ratestrengthof belief:1 2 3 4 5Wheredid this beliefcome rom?Prosand consof holdingthis belief:

. I should never eel afraidRate hength fbelief:12 3 4 5\Arhere id this belief cornerom?Prosand consof holding this belief:

Co si


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Don't Et Yo r Efiotios R n YourLik

. Being emotional s a sign that I'm weak.Rate strength oI belrel 'l 2 3 4 5Wheredid this belief come rom?Prosand cons of holding this belief:Prw: Cotls:

Emotionsalways get in the way.Rateshengthotbe]i'ef:72 3 4 5l{here did this belief come ftom?Pros and cons of holding this belielPros: Cons:

Emotionsare for the hyste cal.Rate strength ot beief: 1, 2 3 4 5Where did tlLis belief come frorn?Pros and consof holding this belief:

Cons:

I wish I neYer elt anything.Ratestrengtholbelief:12 3 4 5Where did this belief comefrom?Prosand consof holding this belief:

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Pros: Cons:


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IMy DoM1J malionstrt SoMuch? 39

There s never a right time for shong emotions"Ratestrengthof belief:1 2 3 4 5Wheredid this beliefcome iom?Prosand consof holding this belief:Pros: Cons:

I'm afraid of my emotions.Ratestrengthof belief:1 2 3 4 5Wheredid this belief come rom?Prosand consof holdingthis belief:P cs:

Any others? se he space elow o wfite down any thoughts r beliefsaboutemo-tion you may hold that aren't reflectedn ihe abovechoices.Makesureto include hesourcesor eachof the additional eiiefsas you think oi them,and nciude he prosandconsof hoiding the beliefs.

Ranking Your ThoughtsOut of the aboveautomaiichoughts ndbeliefs ou haveaboutyour emotions,akethe top five and ist them n the ollowingnumbered lanks 1-5)and rvrite n thedegreeto which you believe achone 1-5).Once ou finish his exercise,akea moment o iookat chapter9, "ChallengingYour Self-Talk."Top Five Beliefs

Cons:

L2.


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It40 Do11'IetyourhhotionsRunyaw Life5.

Modeling, nvalidation,and OtherEnvironmental SourcesYour secondaryemotional responses ometimes et in the way of your primaryresponses. ou canbecome o dysregulatedhat you forgetwhat you felt aboutsome-thing in the irst place. nstead f simply ettingyour emotions o their ob when appro-priate,or simply validating hem,you rejectyour emotions s nvalid, inaccurate, ndultimatelyunimportant. ou treatyour sadness s though t's a weaknessather hananinformantalertingyou to what's mportant o you in your life.If you think about our familywhenyou weregrowingup, I'm sureyou can emem-ber instances f how your parents espondedo your emotional ommunjcations.don'tnecessarily eanan explicitmessageike,"Suckit up." Thenressage$.qitenbie su6i[.,)For example, ure yor', ,,", spoken o angrilyor-even hreate,inlly whef lou were'crying?Thatwouldbe a messagehatyour parents isapproved f your displayof emo-tion. n my sadly ealistic xample,he angryparentdoesn't ay, Gee,Timmy,mommydoesn't ike t whenyou cry. n fact, feelangryandwould ikeyou to stopcryingnow.,,More likely, shesaid,"l'll give you somethingo cry about!"How did your parentsdisplay heir own emotions? id they appear o be terdblyreserved nd repressed,r did they ly off the handleat everyprovocation?Were heyconsistcnt r inconsistent?{hat is modeled o us as children has a profound effectthroughoutoul entire ivesabouthow to live with our emotions.We seem o record hepatternsof our parents o somedegree r another.You may havebeen hesensitive,eactive, ndemotional ne n your family.That,sneithergoodnor bad, hat'sust the$'ay t is. But f yor displayedntenseespunses afamily with a very low toleranceor emotiolaldisplays, ou may have aced epeatedinvalidating esponseso your outbursts. validation would be responsesrom yourfamily and enviionmenthat tell you that your privateemotionalexperiences,nd cer-tainly your public communicationsf emotionaren't legitimaten their own right orworth paying attentiono and are betterstuffedor kept silent.Theproblemhere s that whileyou might shut up lor a while, temporarilymakingthingseasieror others,t doesn't each ouhow to effectively olveproblems, or does tteachyou how to labelyour emotions. ometimes,his oversimplificationf your prob-lemsand emotional xperiencess thepath to behaviorshataresoextreme hey orce hepeoplearoundyou to notice our painand akeyouseriously. o f you,reaisostrugglingwith pa icular behaviors uch as self-harm, uicide hreats, ages,or other ways of"actingout" there s a functionwithin the apparent yslunctionof suchbehaviors.If youhaveengagcdn anyof these ehaviors,ou maynoticehow theenvtonmentwiil takenotice, ecausehese in-your-face'behaviorscanitbe gnored.When heworldcomes o your aid, and 'alidates ou in these xtrenemoments,he problembehaviors

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WhyDoMy Enntio Llurt SoMu{h? 41

arestrengthened-reinforced-andikely to happenagain.And rvhywouldn,t hey?Thebehaviors8ot you validation,which is sornething e all needandwant.

Did You Ever Experiencenvalidation?Takea look at the ollowingstatementsnd checkall thatyou identifywith havinghadthe statement ommunicatedboutyou or to you. Yodll notice hatsomestatementsredismissive f needs,while othersaredirectput-dorvns. he deaoI thisexercises to helpyou build your awarenessf your experiences.ark statementsnly if you canrecallreceivinghestatement sa consisteni essageor a gooddealo{ yor.rrpbringing. f youcheck three or more, there's a good chanceyou were raised in an invaiidatingenvfonment,

. You're ust a big baby. \,{y'hyan't you be more ike your brother/sister/friend,tc.?

. If you dorl't stop crying 'll giveyou something o cry about' Boysdon't cry. C.)-g is for sissieso Your problem s that you're azy. You're ust good-for-nothing. Don't makesucha fuss. You're so sensitil,e. You'reneverhappy with anything. Shut upl. You're so stupid. You're such an enbairassment. Stop whining, i's annoying. Goodkids don't complain. 1M1yare you alwayscomplaining?. You eat ike a pig. Are you talking back o me?Other;


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Thinkof familiarmemories f situationshatoccurredrequentlyn your childhoodin whichyou can ecallexperiencingnvalidation,uchasbeingsadand cryingbut beingtold,"I'11giveyou somethingo cry about,"or "Boysdon'tcry," or being old to shutupOr describe ow your attemPtso exPressour internal eelingsand exPeriences

eremetwith indifference. singa situationhatoccurred ftenwill make t easieror you toidentifyyour expeiences f being nvalidatedDon't make hingsuP, or exaggerateourmemoiies. ustdo your best o remember hat you tried to exPress,o whom, how theyresponded, nd how you feltand howyou believet affects ou to thisdate lf you ive orwork with sorneoneurrendywhornyou believes invaiidating,)'ou may usesituationsfrom your intetactionswith them.

42 Don'tkt Yon EnotionsRunYourLiJe

DescribingInvalidationInvalidatingsituation#lDescribehe situation ncludingwho and wherc:

IIIIIIIIIIWhatwereyou hyingto express?

How wereyou nvalidated?Wereyou cailednames,gnored, r did you haveyour needs

\ 41at motions nd houghts id you havewhenyou were nvalidated?

What did you do in responseo the nvalidation?Was his effective r ineffective?

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What did youfeeland hink aiter ryingto coPewith invalidation?IIII


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Why Do My Enotiois Hltrt So Mucltl

How do youthink this experienceffects ou n your ife today?

Invalidating situation #2Describehe situationncludingwho andwhere:

Whatwereyolr rlng to express?

How wereyou nvalidated?Wereyou callednames,gnored, r did you haveyour needsminimized?

Vvhatdid you do in responseo the invaiidation?Was his effective r ineffective?

{,l-{!at did you feel and think after trying to cope:yt$gyglid"ligtrl

What emotions nd thoughtsdid you havewhen you were nvalidated?

How do you think this experience lfects ou in your life today?


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Don Let yow Emotiotls unyaur LileIIIIII

Invalidating situation #3Descdbehesituationncludingwho andwhere:

What were you trying to express?

How lvereyou nvalidatecl? ereyou callednarnes,gnored, r did you haveyour needs Iminimized?

What emotions nd thoughtsdid you havewhen you were nvalidated?

What did you do in responseo the invalidation?Was this eflective r irlcffective?

What did you feel and think after tuying o copewith invalidation?

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How do you think this experienceffects ou in your life today?

Reflectingn Inaalidation.One problemwith havingexperiencednvalidationduring your fonnativeyears s

that you probablyweren't taught effective kills lor identifyingyour emotions, elf-soothing, r probiemsolling. Invalidation reats our problems s rnimportant, nd aninvalidatingenvironmentmayattribute our ackof problen-solving kills o someundc,sirable rait such as aziness r stupidity.This can be very frustrating.


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Wh! DoMy E totios HurtSoMuchT

Anotherproblem s that you can ake hesemessagesf invalidaiionwith you intoyour adult life, andbegin to invalidate ou$elf. You may developpattemsof second_guessing ourself, ot takingyour ownproblems eriously, r becoming verlydepend_ent on your enyirorunento decide vhatyou shouldbe doing, hinking, eelirg,or evenwanting.Takea moment o reflecton whetherand how you nay have ntemalizednvalida-tion. You may notice hat f you have ntemalizednvalidation,hat it may havecorneover the cource f your life,beginningn your childhood. ou maynotice hat hese astexpedences r the internalizednvalidatiol]make t difficult for you to handlecertainkinds of people or situations,perhapsbecause hev remjnd you of thoscpasr crr-cumstances.ater, n chapter9, we will exploreways to challenge his intemalizedinvalidation.

Awarenessf Self-Invalidationlryhatnvalidating essagesromyour upbringing o youtell yourselfhese ays?

What situations re most ikely to higgerself-invalidation?

Describeflhow you hy to iEnore oul feelings,houghts,wants:

Describeflhow you oversimplily he problemsand challengesou face n your life:

Descdbeyourself:how you thinl your self-invalidationffectshow you feel and thir* about


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liirI1 lt il r46 Don't Let youl Emolions :,'n our LIfe

Your EmotionalRole ModelsAs a child,you probably eamedpattems rom othersby watchinghow they dealtwiihtheir emotions, xpressinghem or denying hem,or beingoverly reactive hemselves.Makea list of the major emotional ole models n your family,or from your ciild-hood and adolescence.ist your parents, uardians,mcles, unts, iblings, randparents,caregivers,eachers, iergy,etc.

My emotional ole modelswere:1 .2.3.4.5.Other:

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Next, ewriteyour ist below,usingup to five people hatyou tirink weremost nt'lu-ential. f your listof themost nfluential s shorter, henwork with that.Then, n the spaceprovided below eachperson's ame, ist fheir dominantemotionalstyle (thet generalemotional rait), henwrite a briel summary bouthow you rememberhese ersons.Think through if you remember hem as angry, peaceful,balance, mbalanced,depressed,nxious, tc.Finally,summarizewhat you think you rnayhave earned romeachof these ndividuals.For exampie, id you learn o ignoreyour emotions? id youlearnemotional alance? id you eam o takeyour emotions eriously? id you iearn obe.out of controlor chronically ngry,or how to judge others or displayirgtheir emo-tions,and so on,You may include n this summaryyour opinion aboutwhether hesemodelsandtheir lessons ave beeneflective r detrimentalo vou.

Emofional ole model #1:Emotional tyle:Y/hat I leamedhom this person:

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W! Do M! EnoliotlsHult SoM1tch7 47

Ernotional ole rnodel#2:Emotional tyle:What I learned rom this personl

Emotional ole model #31Emotional tyle:What I learned rom thisperson:

Emotional ole model #4:Emotional tyle:I/Vhat leamed ftom this person:

Emotional ole model 16:Emotional tyle:What I leamedfron this person:


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Don't Let your ElnotiotlsR1111out Lile II

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Sourcesof Emotional ParnI hope he aboveexercisesiveyou a clearer ichl(eof why emotions anbe so ntenselypaintul.To sumrnarize,here s the biological ear hat you comewith hard-wired nto you.Whether herewere n v ivo trar.rmas,ead njuries, hronic tressors,r nutritional nflu-ences, greatdealof what you experiences simplyyour body andbraindoingwhat theydo naturally.Theyhavenothing o do with your goodor bad attitude.Next, dependingon your general tateof rest, luid intake,nutrition,medication,nexpected mergencjes,illness, tc., our general aseiinemoodwill be affected. hese actors vill inJhence ouremotional rousal ndcoolingdown,andyour own appraisal f how you think you mayor may not be able o cope.Another actor s what you say o yourselfwhen you becomeemotionallyaroused, inceyour thoughtscan affectyow control of emotion.Finally,what you eamedaboutyour emotionsrom your emotionalole nodels providea sortoftemplate or how to relate o your emotions.In the nextchapter,we'll move rom general warenessf out emotions o the spe-cial kind of self-knowine alled nindfulness.

4. why do my emotions hurt so much

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