8/15/2019 1993 Florida Journals: Letter

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THE GODS AREN'T LOOKING, SO I'LL WRITE QUICKLY ...

My Miranda,

The palms are swaying like beckoning fingers in the balmy Florida breeze,

the tiki gods are rearing their heads over the horizon, and exotic bird

calls waft on the wind across the miles to you. This letter is so fucking

late, but a) I only yesterday bought typewriter ribbon, B) I hate writing

letters longhand (as I find that my thoughts are much too fast for the

pen) and c) I am a cad. But take solace! Your revenge has already been

celestially taken: I forgot correction tape. All errors in this letter

are solely the fault of the author and are not in any way endorsed or condoned

by the publisher. Thank you.

It is, today" September 13, and my morn, in a phone conillersationearlEEer

today, said that it was fifty and raining. All day it was sunny and ninety.

Here, that is. And 0 what a day it has been! Sit back, I'll fill you

In.

To start off, I didn't get any sleep DiX last night, as I stayed up

wi th dear Robert until 3 AM ~ (I..eed correction tape!!!)

dicusffiinga screenplay that we are in the midst of writing. It's an intense

story concerning chess, wicked bisexual youth, and yuppie pedophiles.

If it's made, 0 what controversy! It will be slammed by organizations

everywhere! Why? Because Bob and I are MERCILESS!!! In seriousihess,

if it comes out the way we'd like, it'll be a smashing story. The only

thing we have set in stone are the first two scenes which, as a preview,

I am sending to you. We have some characters· planned out (including one

based on Sara and whoa nelly does she get hers!), but details are veryfoggy. What you will read was an image that Bob was saving for a story:

that of a kid in a playground telling a cop that it was all fun and games

until another kid's eyes popped out. As story discussions waxed and waned,

it seemed like a good idea to open the film with a variation on that, and

I took it from there.·· So ifX it sucks, tell me, as it is most likely my

fault. Unfortunaeel y (for you, anyway) you shan' tsee the remainder of

the screenplay until the very finish, as this is a quirk both Robert and

I share. But I'll give you hints of progression in furture letters.

Anyway, back to The Day. Let's see, okay. It was around 3 AM when

I went into bed, but couldn't fall aslwep. ~ Around four I remem

bered that Disney was holding character auditions at 9 AM. It was then

that I decided to pall an all-nighter. I kept myself company by typing

short and stupid plays in faux XMK Shakespearean language .• And then itwas off to breakfast and the audition.

To make a long story short, after a grueling six hour audition,X I was

cast asK a character in the Magic Kingdom park. Chances are I'll be {joofy.

Ain't dat poetry?

So much to discuss! Ah, yes. With debts chashing in around me, I have

taken a second job. I now moonlight as a host at the SAK Theatre Comedy

Lab, downtown. It is fun, it is funny. And pretty soon I I11 be able to

join the improv~Oe(t:etJG troupe. And theball get I sa-rollin' •..

Along with the warm breezes and nighttime chanting of the Aku-Tiki X

natives, there's a bug floating around here. Hence, I am robbed of my

voice. It started out as just a simple little sore throat, now I just

can't funcitonwithout my hourlyM fix of Chloraseptic (well, actually,

the Walgreen's equi velent, Ora Relief). And in thet last parenthetical

addendum (!) lies am interesting tidbit: Walgreens (the 24 hour Perry

drugs of the South and subsidary of Wal-Mart) has, like Arbor, their own

nJ.{M line of generic drugs. However, unlike Arbor, Walgreens~ gives

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their generics cute little names -- by taking the brand nameproduct, cutting

the brand name in half, and then adding Wal in front of it. Thus, RobitussinbecomesWal-tussin; Dimetapp becomesWal-tapp; NyQuil becomesWal-quil.You get the idea. We've kind of made it into a game. You can have a lotof fun witht he Wal game. Try it ... tonight!

How's the ap1'frtrnentwith T-Popp (Wal-Popp?). Toomuch raucous fun yet?Has she killed you in the morning? She wrote meand told me that she willhave to restrain herself, as she is a morning bear. I want to hear allthe AnnArbor news. Found amyhippie communes? Burned any hippie communes?All the A2memories eegin to flood: Schoolkids (Wal-kids?), Video Watch,Orbit. Waaaah. Okay, fit over.

The point is, pet, is that I love Orlando. Orlando (Wal-ando?) is reallyrockin'. I want you here. I want 'fracy here. I wal (oops, Freud error).I want all of you here now. Tonight. Share in the coolness. Bask in

the sun. Darken. Wrapyour head in a gMmesh babushka, don cornecat-eyeshades and hop a pink Cadillac down 1-75 to the turnpike, downto Kirkmanroad and straight to mywaiting arms.

Life lb.ereis a lovely mixture of non-Beach Boys instrumental surf music(I even got CUTIS on my body from being'thrown on the rock at Jensen Beachlast week!), Martin Denny (1 950's Tiki exotica, ~ courtesy of Bob1,Julie London (ask your grandmother), and the Breeders. Whata lovely place!V\1hat lovely vibe! What a lovely life! Can you spare a dime? Corningsoon in the ~ mail will be Scooter Bentley's. Florida Music CompilationNumberOne: The Arrival. Oh, and to quench that quizzical look on yourface, everyone here calls me Scooter. It came from the Muppets and everyonesays I look like the Muppet Scooter. I don't se~ it, but they do, andI like the name. So Boband I are goin' round as Scooter Bentley and JohnnyRefund. Sound gooda me.

Hey! Have you heard of AnswerMe!magazine. It's an ugly magdevoitedto all-around hatred. Anyway,Bobhas a copy with an arti~le that triesto prove that Stephen Spielberg is a boy-lover. It's 2CK called -- getthis -- Pederastic Park. Don't you love it? Myfriend Rob Shapiro (ananimator-"Ett'e collaborating on a bootleg shirt. My idea, his art. :n;:It's a tie in ~ shirt for Vlassic Park, featuring the stork and a bigpickle. With music by the Sculpted hair Experience. So muchfun. Getthee here.

Tongue Tracy for me, then say mynamethree times and masturbate, becauseit wcm't be your fingers that tuchin' ya -- they'll be mine! Once again,sorry the letter's so late, and so dorky. I'm just a shit-ass letter writer.

But I really don't thank you care about that. Tell Tracy I'll write hertoo, and look for Scooter Bentley's Florida Music Compilation. Andhopeyou likeS scenes one and two of the as yet untitled movie.

Yours from Pederastic Park,