17 days in harborview

17 Days at Harborview

June 30 - July 16, 2009

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is His faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23

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Prelude: Fortunately...HOPE...

Sunday, November 9, 2008 at 4:55 p.m.— written while Ryan was in the ICU at Southwest WA Medical Center, after a relapse that left him with profound hearing loss & brain damage.

Did you ever read the picture book Fortunately by Remy Charlip when you were little? I used to read it a LOT to our kids when they were preschoolers. Each page was one line, like this: Fortunately Ned was invited to a surprise party. Unfortunately it was a thousand miles away. Fortunately a friend loaned Ned an airplane. Unfortunately the motor exploded. Fortunately there was a parachute on the plane. Unfortunately there was a hole in the parachute. David Sheff, the author of Beautiful Boy, wrote his own version: Fortunately I have a son, my beautiful boy. Unfortunately he is a drug addict. Fortunately he is in recovery. Unfortunately he relapses. Fortunately he is in recovery again. Unfortunately he relapses. Fortunately he is in recovery again. Unfortunately he relapses. Fortunately he is not dead. Unfortunately, Mr. Sheff does not have the certain HOPE that we have...however, his book, Beautiful Boy, is one of my all-time favorites, and God used it to help heal our hearts, and to help us understand and validate the trauma that our family has been going through the past two years since Ryan has been dealing with the horrific disease of alcoholism/drug addiction. Unfortunately we relate to his words...and cry each time we read them, because they echo our feelings so well...and capture the emotions of a parent whose child is battling addiction. Fortunately we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love Him, and He uses them to conform us to the likeness of His Son!! (See Romans 8:28-29) Fortunately we also rejoice in our sufferings because: We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.(See Romans 5:3-5) Fortunately because of Jesus Christ, we have CERTAIN HOPE!!

http://www.facebook.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=34191686444&h=320a93ca742f3026e343815c1f028e3e&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FFortunately-Remy-Charlip%2Fdp%2F0689716605%2Fref%3Dsr_1_2%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1226278387%26sr%3D1-2

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7.01.2009 - Update on Ryan...Day 2 of Coma

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 at 1:00 a.m.

Please pray for Ryan in critical condition at Harborview Medical Center via Facebook for iPhone







Please pray that we and the Harborview ICU docs will have wisdom as we wait to see how much brain damage has been done and if Ryan will wake up. We sense God's presence here. via Facebook for iPhone

Update on Ryan...Thank you so much for your prayers. Ryan was brought to Harborview yesterday afternoon, about 4 pm, after overdosing on heroin sometime on Sunday or Monday, then lying unconscious and not getting enough oxygen for well over 36 hours. We were called by Harborview’s social worker shortly past 7 pm last night, June 30th. This is Ryan’s first relapse on IV drugs - SO heartbreaking. He is in kidney failure, has pneumonia, has awful sores on his body and is unconscious. The doctors don't know if he will wake up or not...they say we have to wait and see. We just thank God we are here with him and we want to be here if he does wake up. We are so grateful that we have such a precious relationship with Ryan - and that we are so sure he knows how much we love him. Otherwise, this would be far more difficult than it already is. We are going to trust that God knows how much pain Ryan has been in, and that He loves Ryan more than we do, which is hard to fathom, but we know it is true. And we are going to try to take one moment at a time, knowing that our faithful God will see us through whatever He allows.

We can't thank you enough for your prayers...we feel as if we are being carried through this...we must be, because we've had so little sleep. Ryan has a collapsed lung and his kidneys are not working, so the doctors are completely focused on those two things right now. Everything else is secondary, at this point. We’ll try to give you a more complete update as soon as we can.

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We can't thank everyone enough for your prayers, offers of help, love and support, since Ryan was admitted to Harborview Medical Center on June 30, and we received the phone call that changed our lives. Apparently Ryan accidentally overdosed on heroin, then was unconscious and was not getting enough oxygen for 36 hours before he was brought to Harborview. We would definitely not be making it through this without you. As far as Ryan goes, our beautiful boy has taken a bit of a turn for the worse today, even though he is getting such excellent care here. The doctors are on top of every little thing. His kidneys are producing less urine but the nephrologists still feel that they can watch and wait a while before starting dialysis. They are keeping a very, very close eye on him. The neurologists came and examined him today and made a plan with us for several tests that should give us a better idea of any higher level brain activity going on (there are only signs of basic brain stem activity upon all of the neuro exams they have done so far). We are so grateful to be here at Harborview...in spite of the fact that Ryan is in a coma, the nurses and doctors talk to him constantly, and treat him with so much kindness and dignity. Because this is a teaching hospital, the doctors are constantly teaching the interns and residents, as well as US! It is so helpful. Ryan is getting FAR MORE attention than he received at either of the two other ICU's he’s been in...he is never left alone, and we see doctors all the time. We are so thankful. We are so very, very thankful that our relationship with Ryan right now is the best it has ever been...God has given us the most open, honest and loving relationship with our adult son that parents could ever hope for. We just had the most precious Father's Day with him...he wrote Rob a priceless letter that I am going to post in my next note, so that you can see the kind of heart that Ryan has....an incredibly beautiful one. Just this last Friday we spent the morning together...I have such precious memories of walking with him from his apartment on Capitol Hill through his neighborhood, and across bustling Broadway, hand in hand. We were heading for his first appointment with his Hepatitis C doctor and we had such a good time on the way...chatting and enjoying the gorgeous day. The thing that makes me smile the most from that day is how completely and totally honest Ryan was (and always is) with the doctor. Rob and I sat there and watched the doctor's eyes widen a bit...Ryan answered every question about his prior and current drug use and sexual activity with complete, utter frankness and openness, reassuring the doctor that Rob and I know everything anyway. He told me later, when I mentioned how highly I respect him for always being so honest with doctors and counselors, that he saw no reason to do otherwise...he wanted the doctor to know everything so that he could do his job to the best of his ability. I ADORE this boy. So many of you have offered to help...and there are going to be ways that you can, if you really feel you want to, and if it wouldn't be a burden to you. It is possible that we will be here for weeks and maybe even months, although we are praying that God will bring Ryan deliverance and healing, either on this earth or in heaven, more quickly than that...

Thursday, July 2, 2009 at 8:00 p.m.

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7.02.2009 - Update on Ryan...Day 3 of Coma, continued

...The biggest thing, clearly, though, that you can do is simply what you've been doing...to continue to love us, to pray for us and for Ryan and to be our friends even though we can't really take your calls or answer your e-mails and text messages. Thank you for understanding that we are exhausted and that we have our hands full being with Ryan and talking with doctors. Our prayer requests: 1. That God would give Ryan peace and let him know how much He loves Ryan, even while Ryan is unconscious. 2. That God would restore and heal Ryan...either by miraculously healing him physically or by taking him home where he will be eternally with God, healed forever from all addictions, pain, brain damage, Hepatitis C and hearing loss. 3. That God would take care of Lindsey, Riley and Larissa and the impact that this is having or may have on them...He knows exactly what they need far better than we do. 4. That Rob and I would not worry about Ryan's future, or our future, but would trust God for each and every thing that is concerning us (Philippians 4:6-7). 5. That God would supply our needs: I will not be working while Ryan is hospitalized, so won't be bringing in income, and we need to trust God that I will not lose my job, and that we will be able to pay all hospital co-pays, etc. without my income. Yikes...I need to read Philippians 4:6-7 again. 6. That God will help us to embrace this challenge with confidence and that He will see us through this dark valley just as He has so many others - that God will give us the strength to lean into Him and His faithfulness even in the most difficult of circumstances. 7. That God, who has been so incredibly good to our family over and over and over again, will be honored and glorified no matter what happens in this hospital room. Love you all so much...I need to run for now...more soon... linda


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Ryan's Father's Day Letter to Rob - Written on 6.21.2009

I am posting this because I believe it reflects the true beauty of my son's heart. It disproves the lies that he has believed about himself...that there is nothing good deep within him. Through this letter you will get a glimpse of the Ryan that we know and love...the real Ryan...the Ryan who has been such a gift in our lives. As well, it is an incredibly well-articulated tribute to the fabulous father that my beloved husband has been through some very, very difficult times. Ryan, you are our most beloved firstborn son, and we are so honored and proud to have been chosen to be your parents. You are precious...fearfully and wonderfully made. We love you more than you will ever begin to imagine. Thank you so much for giving Dad this priceless Father's Day gift...and yes, it was more than okay. June 21, 2009 Dad, I'm SO proud to be able to say that you are my father, and I always have been. When I was little you were my hero. When we had our differences, the pain I felt reflected the depth of my love for you. When we were estranged from each other, I still bragged about my dad, the firefighter. I don't know how it is possible, but today, I am more proud to be your son than ever before. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have the rare quality of relation-ship that I have with you. Things have definitely changed now that I am an adult, and the respect which you have shown me upon that transition is almost uncanny, but it is love in its truest form. I feel I should, in turn, show you a gesture of respect, from the bottom of my heart, due to realizations upon my maturations. In my mind, it would be a great shame to let you say you have come up short as a father. You are the best damn Father that I know of, and I can guarantee that 99% of the human population would have miserably failed if they tried to walk in your shoes. The responsibility that you have carried in our family has been enormous, and I am at a loss to understand how you are still standing. Well, I do know...it is because of your faith in God. You have shown me again and again what it means to be a real man. To love unconditionally, to treat people with dignity and respect, to persevere through seemingly insurmountable tasks, to protect those dear to you, to stand up for your beliefs, to do the right thing even when others disagree, to give your best in everything you do and to trust God above all else. You have always loved me deeply, and have done what you thought was best for me. How could that ever have been a mistake? Dad, you are my role model. I love you more than you can know. - Ryan


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Today has been a quiet day here, as we have been doing a lot of waiting on the results of the MRI that was done last night on Ryan's brain. As I posted earlier, the doctors on rounds this morning reported that tests done on all of Ryan's major organs are trending downwards...his body is not recovering as they would like. He also has some kind of infection of unknown origin, so Dr. Patel, the fellow on Ryan’s team, did a bronchoscopy today, where he went down through the ventilator into his lungs, taking a sample from the fluid there, so he could try to find out exactly what bacteria is causing his fever to keep spiking. Most of the procedures are done right here, with the exception of the MRI, so we are able to stay with Ryan through everything, really. They rarely take Ryan away...everything & everyone comes to him, instead. We are thankful; right now, we want to be with Ryan every moment possible. There is a whole team of nephrologists taking care of his kidneys, one specialized nurse who has a masters degree in wound care who is attending to the pressure wounds he has on his feet and his side (from laying still while unconscious), a whole ICU team of doctors, and a ventilator team...in addition to a nurse who attends only him 24/7. Oh...and of course, his neurologists, as well. And the amazing thing is, they ALL treat Ryan with the utmost dignity and kindness...this was, unfortunately, not our experience at the other two hospitals...so we are overwhelmed with gratitude for the staff at Harborview Medical Center. Although Ryan is in a coma, he is resting peacefully and we are talking to him, loving on him and reading to him. Believe it or not, our time with him here is actually so precious, though of course this wouldn't be our first choice of places to bond with our son. But given the situation, we are treasuring every moment we have with him. God is good. We are also allowing ourselves to grieve today, as this is obviously very sad. We have cried a lot today. But at the same time, we have an immense amount of peace. We know that whether God chooses to heal Ryan on this earth (that would be, of course, INCREDIBLE), or He chooses to heal him by taking him home to find eternal peace, joy and relief from pain, Ryan WILL be healed. We are confident in our faithful God and because of that, both Rob and I are okay. We should get the MRI results tomorrow...so will post more news as soon as we get it. Thank you SO much for your prayers...we feel God's presence all around us. We love you all.

Friday, July 3, 2009 at 7:29 p.m.

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This I call to mind, & therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23 This is the first time I have had a quiet moment today...it has been very busy. The ICU team, the nephrology team and the neurology team have all been here...and Ryan's central line had to be moved (a procedure which took quite some time) and our friends, who are also both physicians (Brock is an internist & Fernette is a neurologist...you can see their Web site at MislabeledChild.com) came by and spent a long time speaking with us, looking at Ryan's test results, talking with his doctors and providing us with priceless wisdom. We feel much more prepared to go into the next few weeks after speaking with them. Ryan's MRI basically is inconclusive at this point. It does show quite a large amount of irregularities in his brain, but those irregularities may be from the toxins in his system, and could clear up, in time. And they may be from permanent brain damage. We just do not know yet. It looks like it may be quite a while before we do. Ryan's kidneys are also still in question...we do not know if they will recover on their own, or if he will be put on dialysis. So we are waiting. And in the meantime, the staff here at Harborview is doing everything they can to keep him comfortable, making sure that he has the very best medical care possible. We are getting to know the ICU nurses really well and we have the utmost respect for their skill and their commitment to their job. The love they show for Ryan is incredible to us. They are treating us, too, with such kindness...and that is such an answer to prayer. It makes an ENORMOUS difference for us. Since we’ve had the opposite experience, we know how priceless this is. The Eides told us that if Ryan wakes up, he may well remember the things we have said to him...he may very well have "snippets" of memory of this time...and of knowing we were here with him. So we are going to keep on talking and loving on him!! Thank you so very much to those of you who sent us Jamba Juice, Starbucks, and QFC cards...BLESS YOU! What a generous and kind gift!! Rob can easily go get food at the nearby QFC and Jamba Juice is about all that I can keep down right now (thank you, Mom & Dad, for keeping me sustained...otherwise I would have passed out from malnutrition by now!), and Starbucks is, well, basically something that is a real help (not to mention VERY delicious) during these long hours sitting in one place, day after day. God really showed His faithfulness to us today through the Eides...and through Emily and Nathan Grimm bringing those gift cards from you...our beloved friends...

Saturday, July 4, 2009 at 7:31 p.m.

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...Last night Emily's parents, Don and Leanne, came and sat by Ryan's bed while we ran home for showers and a change of clothes...what a blessing that was. Ryan is close to all of their family, so would have felt very comfortable with them - if, on the slim chance, he did wake up, he would have seen familiar, loving faces. And all of you who are posting notes to us, praying for us, thinking about us and just loving Ryan and us are a HUGE gift to us. We can't tell you how much each and every one of you mean to us. We may be here in the ICU for quite a while so we are really thankful that we have friends who are willing to stand by us for the long haul. Lindsey, Riley and Larissa: We love you more than we can ever begin to express. God has given us, and Ryan, such unbelievably loving (see the definition of love in I Corinthians 13), thoughtful, unselfish, sensitive, affirming, and supportive gifts in the three of you. No wonder your brother adores each of you so much...after all he has been through, he recognizes how priceless his relationships with each of you are and how uniquely gifted God has made each one of you. We are so proud of each of you..and so excited to see how God is working in each of your lives. Thank you for being supportive of us in this time while we are caring for Ryan...you have each been amazing. Thanks again to all who are reading these and praying with us...we love you. linda

Saturday, July 4, 2009 at 7:31 p.m.

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Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:1b-3a Today, as we are with Ryan in his new, private, "I-pod" room, due to his C.diff (Clostridium difficile) infection, we are treasuring the precious time we have with Ryan talking to him, singing to him and basically loving on him as much as we can amidst all the tubes and monitoring devices attached to him. This time when just Rob, Ryan, God and I are together (and his nurses in his room), feels truly sacred to us. Oh...on the lighter side, this really is the B pod, but the nurses call it the I-pod because it is the Isolation pod...I-pod is just so much more fun than calling it the B pod. :) I had an INCREDIBLY encouraging talk with the hospital chaplain today...what she said was JUST what I needed to hear. God is so good. Then, we asked some "random" people in the waiting room to watch our things while we used the restroom, and when we came back to our things, they asked if they could pray with us for our son. Long story short, the group turned out to know, very well, one of the pastors at our church with whom we are closest...Steve Parsons...and who was here visiting Ryan just a cou-ple of days ago. It was such an encouraging exchange - another thing to be grateful for today. Ryan's kidneys are continuing to fail, so the nephrologists are planning to start dialysis tomorrow. The nephrology team has been incredibly communicative with us so we are feeling a lot of peace about it. We will also meet with Ryan’s neurology team again tomorrow to discuss our next steps there...but we know that, for the most part, we are just waiting to see what happens. Right now they really don't have a good way to predict the outcome of individuals in this level of coma. So, we wait...and trust that whatever happens, our God will be with us and, more importantly, will be WITH RYAN. Thank you again for praying...for posting notes of encouragement...for messaging us...for asking others to pray. We read all of them in between caring for Ryan even if we don't have time to respond. Short update tonight...I want/need to go be with Ryan. We love you all. With certain hope, rob and linda

Sunday, July 5, 2009 at 10:19 p.m.

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We're waiting for Ryan to start dialysis today; we are thankful because Ryan has gained over 45 lbs. in fluids that his kidneys aren't processing. He is still fighting pneumonia, C.diff & maybe something else...and has not begun to come out of his coma, but we are filled with hope and peace that he knows we are here & that he is LOVED beyond all measure because he is fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

Monday, July 6, 2009 at 10:19 a.m.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009 at 12:34 p.m.

Ryan's condition is worsening; we will know more after a meeting this afternoon with all of his attending physicians. We are spending every moment we can with our beloved, beautiful boy. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

7.07.2009 - 2nd Update on Ryan...Day 8 of Coma


The team of doctors from ICU, Nephrology and Neurology met with us this afternoon to tell us, and show us, that the heroin did catastrophic, completely devastating damage to his brain...and they have decided to discontinue life sustaining treatment. We are grieving beyond words...but not without hope because we know we will see Ryan again in Heaven. Posting note now...

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The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18 I expected this post to be about Ryan's 13 wounds that his expert wound care nurse, Sunniva, is caring for, his recent tachycardia that the doctors are working to control, his elevating white count, and his first round of kidney dialysis. However, since the neurology team has spent the last 2 days consulting with the top experts in radiology, neurology, and doctors who deal with stroke victims (I don't know what you call those docs), and since Ryan's neurological status has not improved at all since coming into the hospital, the team caring for Ryan called us into a family meeting today to dis-cuss Ryan's condition. Basically, they told us that the heroin overdose caused massive damage to all the areas that control higher level thinking brain functions. They showed us the MRI and it was very difficult and emotional to look at. They then told us that they had made the decision, in order to carry out Ryan's wishes, to discontinue life sustaining treatment. We are numb...grieving...and waiting for Lindsey, Riley and Larissa to arrive here. They should all be here sometime tonight so they can say good-bye to their brother. We don't really know when he will leave this earth and enter the Kingdom of Heaven...the doctors say it could be anywhere from 1 day to 10 days, but he will never suffer. They are continuing to treat Ryan with incredible love and great care. Rob and I are hanging on to God and to each other with all of our might and letting ourselves cry whenever the tears come. We have never been so sure of God's faithfulness, while at the same time, we are feeling a great deal of sadness...but if anyone understands that, it is Jesus (Hebrews 5:7-8, Hebrews 4:14). Okay...we love you all so very, very much...but I think that is all I can write for tonight. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. They HAVE been answered. We have been given incredible, supernatural strength and hope, in spite of these unthinkable circumstances. And Ryan will soon be healed from hearing loss, brain damage, Hep C, addiction, depression and all the pain and guilt he has been carrying for so long. And though we will miss him every minute of every day and we will shed millions of tears, we will know that he HAS been healed and is waiting for us in Heaven. With certain hope because of God's great faithfulness, Rob and Linda


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It is very early in the morning and I am sitting by my son's side, talking to him and feeling very sad as he struggles to breathe through his breathing tube. The tube is so very uncomfortable and it is becoming harder and harder to swallow and cough, so the nurses come in frequently to suction the tube and give him pain medicine to help him relax. In the morning, after Lindsey, Riley and Larissa arrive back at the hospital, the breathing tube will be removed, and then it is up to the Lord as to when Ryan will go home. In the midst of this horrific situation, God keeps showing us His goodness...surrounding us with comfort...and things keep happening that can have NO other explanation than that God is intimately involved in Ryan's life AND in his death. We are continually astounded; but shouldn't be, because God has an incredible track record. He has been our Good Shepherd, walking us through some very dark valleys these past eight years. So many blessings today...such precious time with Ryan...a letter written to us by Ryan back in May and one which we will treasure forever was found by his roommate...another very helpful and encouraging talk with the chaplain...several very old and treasured friends of Ryan's who either came by or wrote to us about their love for Ryan, which we got to read to him...three of the team working on Ryan came by to check on him and on us, even though they were off work...another called us from home because she was sick and not in today...and everyone working today bent over backward to care for Ryan and to keep him completely out of pain, and to care for each one of us, too. Oh...and an entire Palliative Team who came to help us plan how to best keep Ryan comfortable and completely out of pain during this transition to his eternal life. I could go on and on...but I need to sleep so I will have energy left to keep caring for all of my family in the morning....and to treasure every moment we have left to talk to and love on Ryan. Once again, thank you for praying. Please continue to do so...especially for Ryan not to suffer during this time but to have assurance of our love and God's love...and for Lindsey, Riley and Larissa as they grieve the loss of their brother. Those are the biggest burdens on Rob's and my heart right now. And know that your prayers are making an enormous difference...there is no other explanation for all the peace - peace that is far beyond understanding - that is filling Ryan's room right now. Trusting in His grace & mercy alone,

Rob and Linda

Heidelberg Catechism Question One: What is thy only comfort in life and death?

Answer: That I with body and soul, both in life and death, am not my own, but belong unto

my faithful Savior Jesus Christ; who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my

sins, and delivered me from all the power of the devil; and so preserves me that without the

will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; yea, that all things must be

subservient to my salvation, and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal

life, and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him.

Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 2:58 a.m.

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All six of us had precious time together Wednesday...Lindsey, Riley & Larissa arrived late Tuesday night and though Ryan is not conscious, we are having sacred time praying over him, talking with him, telling him how much we are going to miss him...weeping, though with such certain hope that we will all be together again.




Plans have changed; the ICU team has decided to keep Ryan here for awhile. We won't be receiving visitors or replying to messages during this time, because we need to focus on Ryan. Please pray for the doctors to have wisdom in treating Ryan and for our family to keep remembering that this is GOD’S story and He loves Ryan far more than we do.



We are moving to Evergreen Hospice at 12:30 this afternoon; the staff here tells us we are amazingly blessed that there is an open bed - they are extremely difficult to get. Ryan is resting much more comfortably now that his breathing tube has been removed.

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We apologize for not posting updates for awhile; we realize that so many of you have been faithfully praying and waiting to hear about the change in Ryan's condition. Thank you for your grace and patience. Since the time when we were supposed to move Ryan to the hospice, we have been in an absolute whirlwind of emotions, extremely busy with Ryan and in seemingly continual meetings with our fantastic medical team who are making decisions about Ryan's care. Basically, Ryan's prognosis has not changed. We are still at Harborview, though we've been moved to a large private room on an acute care floor where Ryan's doctors felt it would be quieter for Ryan and for our family (we are still in no visitor and isolation mode because he has C. diff, which is actually a very nasty contagious diarrhea). A group of nine doctors met with us today for over an hour and a half and their medical consensus is that Ryan will most likely die from the damage to his body caused by the drug overdose and the subsequent oxygen deprivation. However, we were given an ENORMOUS, miraculous gift on Thursday...something NONE of the doctors at Harborview Medical Center have ever seen, heard of, or found documentation of happening before. After being completely unresponsive for 10 days, with no body movement or improvement neurologically, we experienced something absolutely incredible. As Ryan was being moved from his bed to the gurney for transport to the hospice, the EMT moving him asked if he was doing okay. He answered, "Yup. 100 per-cent." Everyone in the room audibly gasped. He went on to answer when asked his name and to tell us that he was not feeling pain. He was still not moving, his eyes were roving (didn't seem to be seeing us at all) and he was speaking in a somewhat robotic sounding voice. But for the next several hours, Ryan interacted with us!! He continued to answer questions in an intelligent, cogent manner...astounding the doctors who have an MRI that shows that his brain should not be capable of any speech whatsoever. When Rob asked him what he wanted, he said, "That is a complicated question." After Rob had given him a drink of water, and he was able to swallow well, Larissa told him that he had done a good job, and he asked, "Are you being sarcastic?" When the neurologist came in and introduced himself to Ryan, Ryan said, "Whassup?" It gets even better...God is SO good....when Rob asked Ryan if he knew how proud he was of him, Ryan said, "Yes, I know." And when I told him I loved him, he replied, "I love you, too." When Larissa expressed her love (Lindsey and Riley were not there at the time), he told her he loved her, then said, "...and Riley, too." I wish you could see me smiling as I am writing this...how could God have given us a more precious gift? At one point, Rob asked him a question that he used to ask the kids every night before bedtime when they were lit-tle.."Who loves you the most?" Ryan answered, "God." The best way you can support us is to join us in taking one day at a time...not jumping ahead to predict what God is going to do or not do, but simply being with us in the moment, rejoicing with us that we got to talk with our son, but also knowing that we do not know...

Saturday, July 11, 2009 at 4:30 a.m.

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7.11.2009 - Update on Ryan...Day 12, continued

…what tomorrow will hold, therefore our entire family is feeling very raw right now. The five of us, thanks to your prayers, are so blessed to be so close to one another, and to be together as we come around Ryan in love and in grief that he is enduring such a traumatic thing. It is hard for all of us to see him unconscious and unable to move his body or to see us...but we are all remembering (thank you, Pastor Steve) that this is God's story, and, again, He loves Ryan far more than all five of us put together. And if you could feel the love in this room right now, that is an ENORMOUS amount of love, let me tell you. We are feeling OVERWHELMED with gratitude...our list is so long that I would be up all night writing if I listed everything, but I am going to just tell you the few things that have reminded us of how faithful our God is to us during this extremely difficult time of our lives. And He is using many of you to bless and encourage us...we have been so moved.

Our head nephrologist (kidney doctor) actually offered to let us come to her home to shower, sleep and do laundry!!

Our head ICU doctor just came upstairs tonight and gave us his personal cell phone num-ber so that if we have ANY problems on the new floor we are on, we can call him to come help us, even though he is technically not our attending doctor anymore...we are AMAZED at the care we are getting here!

Two of my dear friends, Tracy and Mary (from the company where I worked in the late 90's), went to our house and thoroughly cleaned it from top to bottom...which hasn't been done in...never mind.

Five of Rob's dearest firefighter friends, Paul, Dustin, Doug, Andrew and Jesse came and did work in our huge forested yard, pressured washed everything. They basically did all the jobs that have been making Rob feel terrible that he was not doing (while he has been making our family healing and reconciliation with Ryan a priority).

Someone anonymously dropped off a VERY generous sum of money on two QFC gift

cards, which took off a great deal of stress and worry about the money we've been having to spend on eating out this week while I am not earning any income.

My brother, with whom Ryan is very close, arrived today from California, and has been an incredible help in caring for Ryan, allowing Rob and me to take breaks and talk with the doctors or Lindsey, Riley and Larissa. Because he was by the side of two loved ones while they were dying from AIDS, he is, sadly, very comfortable in a hospital setting and not only extremely loving to Ryan, but very gracious to his nurses, as well. Don’s timing in coming could not have been more perfect. Tomorrow night Rob and I are going to take our first night off and go home together for the evening, leaving Ryan with his Uncle Don, because we know that if Ryan were to wake up with Don here, he would feel completely surrounded by unconditional love (and Don would call us immediately so we could break all speed limits coming back. :-)

Thank you, so much, Don and Leanne H., for so lovingly coming to sit with Ryan so that my Don could go into the family meeting with us. Then staying not only to support us...


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7.11.2009 - Update on Ryan...Day 12, continued

….but to be a huge support to Lindsey, Riley and Larissa...they appreciated it so very much...you have loved them like your own children.

Two of our pastors, Chuck and Steve, as well as our dear friend and physician

Scott, all came last night to pray with us over Ryan and to help us make sense of what seemed like, from what the doctors were telling us, a very confusing, upsetting and rather grim day. Pastor Chuck, Pastor Steve and “Dr. Scott” helped us "reframe" the day...to realize that even though we had been on kind of an emotional rollercoaster, that we could only choose to view the day as a precious, priceless gift from God...and to treasure it, no matter what the future holds. We do not know, but our faithful God does, and He has ALWAYS carried us through every storm that has come our way, so we KNOW that we can trust Him.

Thank you for taking the time, if you have read this far...to actually sit through this lengthy and probably inarticulate retelling of the last 40 or so hours. It helps me to process it all...and I don't ever want to forget all that God has done to prove His great love for our family...and to show us that He really does walk with us through the valley of the shadow of death. And thank you SO much to those who have, through Emily, provided us with meals, loaded gift cards and donated to the benevolent fund that June Blender so kindly set up...well, we cannot begin to thank you. Words will never ever adequately express our appreciation. We are so very aware that we in no way deserve all the love that you are showing us, and will never be able to repay it...we are overwhelmed by how loving, unselfish and generous our friends are. We are the most blessed, and rich of all families to have friends like you. I am probably going to get lovingly scolded by my beloved, wonderful husband for staying up so late to finish this but there is never time in the day to post updates. So I'll head to bed now, in my recliner chair next to Ryan (he has been quiet, lying unconscious right next to me the entire time I've been writing this...except for a bit of coughing). And as I get ready for bed, my mind is just brimming with all these things I am thanking God for...what a great way to end this day. We love you ALL. I'll do my best to post an update this weekend...or especially if anything changes. Again, thank you for your understanding and grace. The doctors keep us very busy and when we're not busy with them, we don't want to miss a single minute with Ryan since we don't know how many more we'll have left. Trusting in His grace & mercy, Rob and Linda


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On this Sunday afternoon, we are truly filled with joy that we KNOW Ryan is hearing us and is aware that we are here, loving him, even though today he has not spoken at all. He seems to be very, very tired. Every few hours we sit him up to feed him and it is probably the most precious, sacred thing we have ever experienced in our lives. Rob is finding unspeakable joy in nursing and feeding Ryan, and each of the kids (and I, of course) are taking turns feeding him. It is the definition of sweet, unconditional, pure love. Lindsey and Ryan shared cherry jello together yesterday; it is a memory none of us will ever forget. He is able to drink and swallow out of a straw, and ravenously downs Muscle Milks, juice and water like he has been in the desert for a month. As I said before, he isn't talking today but he is still, obviously, hearing us, because he responds when we are feeding him and when we ask for a kiss. Yes, he puckers up and gives us gentle kisses; they are the sweetest kisses we have EVER received, bar none.

As a family, we've talked about how we have seen God be so faithful to us throughout the past 8 years of difficulty, that we know that we know that we KNOW that our God is going to see us through no matter what. So we are walking by faith, not by sight...trusting that His grace is sufficient...and that He will do what is best for Ryan and will take care of each of us whatever happens. We are not able to look beyond tomorrow. We feel like the Israelites wandering in the desert, who were depending on God for His manna for each day and could not store any up for the future. But God was faithful to provide them with that daily manna (bread)...and God has been MORE than faithful to shower us with manna each and every day here at Harborview.

Because Ryan's case is so extremely rare, (actually, what do you call it when the case is so rare that the doctors haven't seen it before EVER? We're calling it a miracle but I doubt that is a medical term :). Our medical team is still saying that they expect Ryan to leave this earth for eternity due to the severity of his injuries, but they are also saying that they don't know anything for sure. And so we wait, and put our beautiful boy in God's hands.

The fact that so many of you have passed on our prayer requests to others and are lifting our family up in prayer so regularly is more meaningful to us than we will EVER be able to express. Your posts and messages bring us so much hope and encouragement...to know we are not alone in loving Ryan and lifting him up before God is such a comfort. We KNOW that God is here in Ryan's room with us; we can feel His presence as certainly as we sense each other here.

Ryan has recognized by name two of us, even though he isn't seeing us with his eyes. After Rob gave him a gentle kiss on the lips, he opened his eyes just a little and said, "Oh, hi, Dad." And yesterday when Lindsey was talking with him and asked him if he knew what her name was, he answered, "Lindsey Robertson." Okay, I am grinning again. How can I not rejoice, in the midst of this great sorrow, when given this gift of knowing that our son knows that his family is here...that we are around him...that we love him unconditionally? Grief and joy are two emotions that are flowing freely here and we are letting them come whenever they do, thanking God that He knows our hearts, and has felt our pain.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your continuing prayers. Thank you for not giving up on Ryan or on us. Thank you for your incredible support, even as this journey goes longer and longer.

Clinging to the Solid Rock on which we stand,

Rob and Linda

Sunday, July 12, 2009 at 4:30 a.m.

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Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever And take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Psalm 61:1-4 Tonight, Monday night, both Rob and I are very tired...it has been an incredibly busy day with visits from doctors, the palliative care team lead, the nutritionist and caring for Ryan. We keep saying that we've won the nurse lottery because we keep getting the best nurses....Thank you for praying for us - this is one of the ways we really see your prayers answered because our nurses make such a HUGE difference in Ryan's care and, therefore, our peace. We have never been more grateful for, or respectful of, the nursing profession. Today Ryan has been very quiet and has not wanted to eat as much as he did the last two days...but he continues to amaze us, causing us to praise God for the incredible gift He has given us in Ryan's ability to hear us, to show us he knows we are here, and to communicate his needs to us. This morning when the nutritionist came in to see if Ryan was getting all the liquid diet foods that he needs and if we had any questions, etc, she asked what flavors of Ensure Ryan preferred. Rob suggested that we ask Ryan, and she looked at Ryan lying in the bed, looking like he was completely comatose and unaware of anything that was going on around him and looked back at Rob VERY skeptically. But Rob asked Ryan, "Ryan, would you rather have chocolate, vanilla, or both?" Then Rob whispered to both the nutritionist and me to wait a few minutes and give Ryan chance to answer. Sure enough...after some deep sighs and a few coughs, he definitely said, "BOTH." It was a great moment! Another precious thing has been the way that Rob and Ryan have developed their own father-son "language" during this crisis...Rob can ask Ryan if he wants ice, a drink of water, Muscle Milk, a kiss or something to eat and Ryan responds with an appropriate, unique affirmative or negative response for each of these requests. It is absolutely INCREDIBLE to watch. I wish you could see it, because I cannot do it justice in writing...especially when I am this tired. But Ryan certainly knows the difference between a drink, ice, getting a kiss or eat-ing something...and he shows Rob with his mouth. It is the most beautiful picture of absolute trust...Ryan simply trusting that his daddy is taking good care of him and placing himself completely into Rob's care without worrying about a thing. I am inspired to trust my Heavenly Father more by just watching this example of childlike faith. I keep thinking of the scripture in Luke 11:13, where it says that if we, as broken and flawed earthly parents can give good gifts to our children, how much MORE can our Father in Heaven shower us with His far greater gifts?!!?

Another huge answer to prayer came in the person of Hadas, our Patient Rep from the Finan-cial Counseling Office here. She came to visit, and was SO gentle and extremely kind. Rob had brought his Bose CD player in from home so I could bring in music that Ryan and I both really liked (and shared together), and so we were playing the Kutless Strong Tower CD. Ha-das heard it playing and mentioned that it was one of her favorite songs...

Monday, July 13, 2009 at 11:54 p.m.

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7.13.2009 - Update on Ryan...Day 14 of coma, continued

....which led us to a wonderful conversation in which I found out that this gorgeous young woman from Eritrea was not only my financial counselor but also my sister in faith. It was a great encouragement to me and a big reminder to me, and to Rob, that God has done anything BUT abandon us in this dark valley. We are overwhelmed with gratitude to God for bringing my brother Don up for the past four days...he has been here at the hospital with us every waking moment and has been EXACTLY what we needed so many, many times. God so knows what we need before we do....I would not have known that we would need him so badly...but we certainly did. He has been SO wonderful and Rob and I couldn't be more grateful for a brother who is our beloved friend, Ryan's much loved and admired Uncle, a one-in-a-million older brother AND a very, very experienced LA County Sheriff with so much personal experience in the hospital with loved ones. We are so grateful that God brought him here just when Ryan, Rob and I needed him the most. The doctors are saying now that it is looking like Ryan is returning to the group of patients studied for whom heroin caused such massive brain damage (subjects with brains that looks like just Ryan's MRI) that they did not survive. They still have no explanation for why he has been able to talk, but we KNOW that his communication with us has been a gift from God alone, tailored specifically for the needs of our entire family. However, we continue to hope and to know with absolute certainty that God will provide for Ryan's needs, no matter whether Ryan goes home to be with his Father in Heaven, or spends some additional time on this earth with us. We are so very grateful for each moment we are given with him. Every second is a gift. I am falling asleep at my laptop, while sitting up...so I think I should probably say good-night before I really type something that makes no sense at all. I have been using the delete key WAY too much in the last 30 minutes. So incredibly thankful for your prayer support...it is a priceless and eternal gift to us. Grieving, but with certain hope because of His faithfulness, Rob and Linda

P.S. One other amazing note...our friend Scott, who is a physician, asked us, right after Ryan began speaking, what cuss words Ryan had said. Rob and I, puzzled, told him none. Scott then responded—amazed—by telling us that it is normal for coma patients, as they wake up, to go between talking nonsense and to saying a very colorful variety of four letter words...even if they have never used those words before in their everyday language. But Ryan, who used drugs for 2 years on the streets of Seattle, never uttered a word of nonsense nor one word of vulgarity. We witnessed a miracle from our God, to be sure.


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I will bless the LORD at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul will make its boast in the LORD;

The humble will hear it and rejoice.

O magnify the LORD with me,

And let us exalt His name together.

Psalm 34:1-3

We are praising God for answered prayers today...there have been so many of them,

but we'll share just a few.

Last night Ryan's INCREDIBLE nurse Erin was able to stop his constant sweating and inability to regulate his body temperature, as well as relieve him from some pain that had begun. She changed his bed, bathed him and started him on a low dose of morphine before we turned the lights down for the night. He had the best night he has had since we've been here, and today Ryan seemed much more peaceful after sleeping well. We are so grateful for such loving, attentive care.

The Palliative Care Team here has been encouraging us to take a break and visit the hospice options in the area, and until today, neither Rob nor I have had any peace about leaving Harborview for a hospice, especially after being in 4 different rooms here (each time we move it is draining on all of us emotionally). But today, after visiting the first hospice, we both knew we had found the perfect place for Ryan and for us. So the plan, as of now, is that Ryan will be moving to the Bailey-Boushay House on Thursday. When we arrived there, the admissions nurse and the staff at the front desk asked us if we knew anything about Bailey-Boushay. We told them that we had dear friends from church whose son had been there (but it was a while ago...I think 5 years now), and that we would never forget how many of the staff came to his memorial service. They asked who, and we had barely spoken the first names of our friends when they exclaimed the name of our friends’ son, and said, "Oh, David! We all loved him here! We'll never forget him!" What a great start that was for us! The staff clearly LOVES their patients and gets to know them well...they are not just one more nameless, unimportant person taking up a bed. We were SO comforted. The rest of the visit was one continual confirmation...Bailey-Boushay is all about what we as a family are passionate about...bringing comfort and grace to those who are hurting, and giving dignity to each person as a child of God. We'll be able to decorate Ryan's room with family pictures and things that he loves...and they had already held a room for Ryan close to the nurses' station, since Ryan's condition will require extra care. I think Ryan will be the youngest patient they've had...but it sounded like they were getting ready to roll out the red carpet for him...they already had all his records, have been working with our insurance company and want to do everything they can to make his stay at Bailey-Boushay a good experience for our entire family...


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...And...it is in a BEAUTIFUL part of Seattle...absolutely gorgeous. We are filled with peace about our decision to move Ryan there. Ryan's wound care nurse from Harborview, who is BEYOND fabulous, told us this afternoon that she drives right by there on her way to Harborview every morning, and she'll stop in and check his wounds as they heal, to make sure they aren't causing him any pain or discomfort of any kind. What a blessing!! This is a HUGE answer to prayer for us!

Today Ryan was, like yesterday, very quiet, and it has been taking him a great deal of energy to communicate in any way. He hadn't talked all day. And then, we wit-nessed a pure miracle. A very dear friend of Ryan's, whom he has known since 7th grade, e-mailed us a letter to read to him. They have not been close the past couple of years and she was writing to ask his forgiveness for pulling away, and to express her love for him. This is someone about whom Ryan cared deeply. The letter went on to list memory after memory from junior high and high school of endearing and funny times they spent together, and as I was reading the memories, Ryan began to joyfully laugh! Suneeva, his wound care nurse, Rob, Leanne Hjort (who was preparing to stay with Ryan while we went to visit the hospices...Leanne has been SO wonderful to help us in this way) and I could hardly believe it...but we were all smiling so hard our faces hurt. Rob and I haven't heard Ryan laugh since June 26th, when we spent the morning with him on that gorgeous day in Capitol Hill. His laugh was the laugh of someone who knows they have been forgiven...whose burden has been lifted, and who is free to rejoice in the love of his friend. It was a moment we will NEVER forget. Grace and mercy have incredible power....

Right after Ryan laughed I was so happy...and I thanked him for showing us that he heard the letter and that he really understood. I told him how much I loved him and he said "I love you, too," as clearly as we have ever heard. Those were his only words today, I think...nope...he told Leanne yes when she asked if he was in pain, as well. He had started to grimace and look distressed, so Leanne simply asked him. He answered, and she called the nurse and they started the pain meds again. Within minutes, he was comfortable again. Thank you, Lord.

One of our earlier prayer requests was our concern about the fact that I am not earning any income this month and unfortunately, we still have student loans, a car payment, etc, etc. to pay. But God has answered prayer AGAIN....Rob's father sent us a very generous, unselfish gift that will significantly help us make it through the month and tonight a dear friend quietly dropped off a check and then left...that gift brought the total to exactly what I make in a month of work. It was completely unexpected...we are overwhelmingly blessed. We are feeling so relieved and thankful that we don't have to worry about not being able to pay the bills, or how we are going to buy groceries for the family once we get home. This was an unimportant, practical need that doesn't really matter when compared to Ryan's life....but it means so much to us not to have to worry about getting behind on our bills during this time while I am unable to work. We are thanking God for using these generous souls!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 11:59 a.m.

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Again, please forgive us if we haven't replied to your e-mail or FaceBook message...but don't think that we aren't encouraged by them...each one means SO much to us! During the day we just don't have time to get on the computer at all....and then by the time things quiet down, we are exhausted. Last night I fell asleep with all my clothes on and with all the lights on, lying face down where I was SUPPOSED to be doing my nightly neck exercises. Yikes...I sound like I am making excuses. I guess I am hoping that all of you will know how much we appreciate all that you are doing for us in sending us messages, having friends and family pray, helping us with meals through Emily Grimm and donating to the benevolent fund...we feel so embraced by a community of love and support from all different circles, faiths, places and walks of life that it is REALLY helping us to keep going. Grieving, but with certain hope because of His faithfulness, Rob and Linda

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 11:59 a.m.

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Our nurse, Erin, is giving Rob and me strict orders to go to bed earlier tonight since I am really fighting a bad cold and Rob and I are both weary from watching our son suffer. So Rob and I have decided that I will post an update tomorrow...we should have news about the insurance company's decision then (we are really trusting that God is going to make a way where there is no way...He is so good at that, and has proven Himself so many times to our family in the past). We'll be able to better update you on Ryan's condition when we ourselves aren't so worn out and emotional. Right now I just know that we are so grateful to God for taking such good care of us through this...and that I never knew that I could love Rob more than I did BEFORE June 30, 2009. I am far more in love with him now than ever before in the almost 26 years of our marriage. This experience has caused me to be so thankful to have a husband for whom I have so much respect, and who loves God, me and our children with such tender, tenacious, fierce and unending love; I can't imagine going through this without Rob beside me. Thank you, Lord, for giving me such an enormous gift in Rob. You knew exactly what I would need today when You brought him into my life back when I was 18. More tomorrow...thank you for continuing to support us and continuing to pray.




Thanking God for providing an answer to our dilemma about hospice care for Ryan...treasuring each moment with Ryan as a gift from our Lord...trusting Ryan's destiny to God's infinite wisdom, one moment at a time.



Linda Robertson asks for urgent prayer...our insurance provider, First Choice Network, is denying payment for Bailey-Boushay House, saying we need to go to one of their preferred providers. Bailey provides specialized, acute care that Ryan needs...Please pray that they will change their decision, and we will be able to go to Bailey, where Ryan will have continuing care with Harborview staff and where we felt such PEACE.

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Ryan David Robertson entered the Kingdom of Heaven at 4:55 pm today, July 16, 2009 with his family by his side and is now knowing the complete joy and love of our Lord. We already miss him desperately, but we rejoice for him at the same time. "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" 1 Corinthians 15:55 ...more info when we know it...It is time to grieve.




Ryan is not moving - he has become too sick to move. All of our kids are coming back and we are preparing for Ryan to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Please pray that Ryan will not suffer and that our children will be comforted.



Linda Robertson still asks for urgent prayer...our insurance co., First Choice, is denying payment for Bailey-Boushay House, saying we need to go to one of their preferred providers. Bailey provides specialized, acute care that Ryan needs. Please pray that they will change their mind and approve Ryan’s admission to Bailey.

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7.17.2009 - Update on Ryan…

Day 2 of his new life with his Heavenly Father

Friday, July 17, 2009 at 6:11 p.m.

Thanks so much to all of you who are praying for us as we grieve...we miss Ryan so much that the pain is indescribable, and yet at the same time, our faith and hope has never been stronger. Lindsey, Riley and Larissa have all come home and we are here together where we can talk, cry, watch old family videos and pray. God is holding us close...and we are feeling His presence as we let ourselves mourn, because it will be a while before the six of us are all together again in Heaven. I will let you know more about what happened yesterday, which surprised us all, after we have had some time to get over the initial shock and intense physical grief. Right now God is simply giving us the grace to put one foot in front of the other. We are incredibly grateful for the help of so many dear friends who are stepping in to help us with practical tasks and decisions. For now, I will tell you what we have decided today. Our family would like to have a memorial service to honor the gift that Ryan was in our lives as well as God's faithfulness to our family throughout Ryan's life on Tuesday night, July 28 at 7 pm. It will be held at the church Ryan grew up in and where we still attend, Westminster Chapel in Bellevue. There will be a short reception following the service. For those of you who knew Ryan, we are creating a booklet of memories of our beloved son...truths about the gifts that God gave Ryan that were his alone...if you would like to contribute to the booklet, please send your memory/message to my dear friend and very skilled graphic designer Chelsea Lee. And thank you for considering this...we would really like to honor all the beauty, goodness, and unique, special gifts that God gave to Ryan; especially because he was not always able to see them in himself. Thank you so much to those of you have contacted Emily Grimm about helping us with meals and June Blender or Leslie Andrews about the benevolent fund; we are overwhelmed with gratitude. Instead of flowers, we will be designating a charity to which you can donate...we need to contact Harborview, Bailey-Boushay, and AA about our options...we will let you know.

Thank you, Dave and Sue, for being willing to share with us the comfort you received from Christ after Madeline went to be with Jesus, for your advice and wisdom from walking through this yourselves and, most of all, for holding us while we sobbed.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

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Day 4 of his new life with his Heavenly Father


Each morning, when Rob and I wake up, we remember the painful truth...that Ryan has left this earth and with him, he has taken a large piece of our hearts...and the pain that we are feeling right now is far beyond anything we could have imagined. We have walked along-side friends for years who have lost children...Dave and Sue, Judy and Hank...they were willing to open themselves up and let us in to see the love they had for their daughters and the grief that was overwhelming at times, even years after they had gone to be with the Lord...but I guess there is nothing that prepares one for experiencing this yourself. We know that it won't always hurt so acutely, but we also know that the measure of this pain we are feeling reflects the measure of our deep, deep love for Ryan...and how much he will be missed. I remember vividly when one of Ryan's best friends, Ben, who is now a young adult and a much beloved friend of our entire family, lost his mom. He had spent the night at our house when she went to be with the Lord, after he had said good-bye to his much loved mom. In the months that followed her death and resurrection to Heaven, Ben watched his father grieve WELL...so very fiercely for the wife who had been the love of his life for over 31 years. I will never forget being intensely struck by the honor his father was showing his mom, by grieving her absence so fully. Had he simply smiled, pasted on a false faith-joy, and gone on with his life, ...what would that have said to his six children about how much love he had for the woman he had shared his life with? He had adored her...treasured her...she was his childhood sweetheart, best friend, his only love, the amazing mother of his children, and an incredible wife for 31 unforgettable years. I remember telling Ben that his Dad's tears were such a tribute to his mother. His dad's faith never wavered...each time I talked with Ben's dad he would tell me of how God had provided grace to get him through the day and how he was clinging to God's promises to keep him going. But he grieved well and fully. I will always be grateful for the way God spoke to me as we helped care for Ben in those months, giving me a daily, living example of a man whose faith was rock solid but whose tears reflected how deep his love for his wife was. I remember wanting to be that kind of wife...one who would love Rob with such pure, unconditional love and respect, that if I died, though Rob would know, because of His faith in Christ, that he had a sure and solid hope, he would miss me as much as Ben's dad missed his beloved wife. My friend Sue also reminded me, right before Ryan died, that Jesus wept over Lazarus' death, even though he knew that He was going to perform the miracle that would bring Lazarus back from the dead. WOW. Jesus allowed Himself to grieve...He didn't say, "God is going to use this for good..." or "Don't cry...God wants us all to be joyful always in Him." He cried, because his dear friend was dead. That is so comforting to us...because Jesus knows our pain and comforts us intimately. Hebrews says that because Jesus came to earth and was fully man, He is our High Priest and He knows our weaknesses. We can “come boldly before His throne to find grace in time of need.” And right now, we are overwhelmed with gratitude that we can go to Jesus to find that grace, as we are truly in need. So the reality is this...we are in great pain and grief. Far greater than we ever imagined possible. But your prayers are being answered, because still, we have no sense of hopelessness or despair and we sense God's presence and reminder that He is with us in this pain so intensely it is almost tangible….

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Day 4 of his new life with his Heavenly Father, continued


...Also, we are amazed at the unity God has given the five of us...Really, we are all five individuals, each grieving in our own way, but there has been absolutely no dissension or even tension amongst us...each of us has been able to give each other full permission to express how we are feeling, what we need at the time and to respect each others' way of grieving and/or processing. We have had complete unity in the decisions we have had to make...which is a first for our spirited and opinionated family! We know this is a direct an-swer to all the prayers that are being said on our behalf...and that God is so faithful and good to hear and answer. Rob and I could not be more thankful for the way that Lindsey, Riley and Larissa are each leaning hard on God right now, are telling us what they feel/want/need and are allowing Rob and I to grieve Ryan's death without worrying that our faith is shaken, or that our marriage will be even a bit threatened. They know that God has brought us through so many dark valleys before this...He will not let us down now...and they are confident that Rob and I are more grateful for each other now than we've ever been in the almost 26 years of our marriage, as we mourn together and point each other to The Truth that is our only Hope. I have not yet told you what happened the day Ryan died and then immediately was resurrected to be with the Lord. The night before he was still able to communicate with us...and had a very special time with Pam and Gary Keller, who he has loved like second parents since he was 12. Gary was his D-Group leader at church when Ryan was in 7th grade and I'll never forget Ryan coming home from camp the summer before 7th grade and telling me, "Mom, I had the best counselor in the ENTIRE WORLD. His name is Gary, and he is the coolest, wildest, bravest guy I have ever known." He also told me a long tale about how the boys all had to put their boxers in a betting pool, and only getting them back if they did very hilarious, crazy things...but Gary or Ryan's friends Graydon or Evan will have to tell that story. Anyway, the night before Ryan died, Gary and Pam had a long talk with Ryan and Ryan was able to hear them and respond...and Ryan communicated to them that he was ready to go be with Jesus and that he was at peace with God. What an incredible blessing! Also that night, Ryan's favorite nurse, Erin, wanted to brush his teeth and he obeyed her instructions exactly...opening his mouth for her, allowing her to brush and even swishing the toothpaste around when she told him to...but then his pain medications kicked in. His brain got stuck on the "swish cycle"....and there he was, swishing away like crazy...and he was too medicated to follow Erin or my instructions to spit. He was so sweet! We all got the giggles. Erin had to figure out how to get all that liquid out of his mouth so he wouldn't choke on it, which she finally did....but Pam and I agreed that after that experience, Erin probably deserved a second degree in dental hygiene. That night is a precious memory. Later than night, Ryan began to experience pain that we had not seen before...in between then and the next day at 4:55 pm, he lost the ability the communicate with us and began showing more and more signs of severe neurological damage. It wasn't until a little past noon on Thursday that the doctors told us that they weren't going to move Ryan...that his brain and body were shutting down and we needed to prepare ourselves to say good-bye...

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Day 4 of his new life with his Heavenly Father, continued


...God was so good...we had time to call Riley and Larissa to let them know that IF they wanted to come they could (they both raced to the hospital...for which we are very grateful, though we would have never expected or demanded that they come), had time to call Lindsey so my brother could start booking her flight up and she could go be with Rob's mom for the afternoon and both our nurse and the Palliative Care Team at Harborview were there - invaluable in helping us during those last hours (Palliative comes from the Latin word "to cloak"..to protect, and to cover...thank you, Don Hjort). We spent Ryan's last hours holding him, talking to him, loving him and playing his favorite worship CD, Kutless' Strong Tower, in the room. Rob told him that he would not leave him or let go of him until he opened his eyes in heaven and was no longer suffering. We prayed over him; we all had taken off our blue d-con robes and were skin to skin with Ryan, touching him and loving him. He was BEAUTIFUL and BRAVE to the very end. Riley arrived within moments of our call, but Larissa had to take a ferry from Bremerton to get there, and Ryan clearly waited until Rissy arrived. Rob told him that we were all there, and although Lindsey was in California, she was okay with him stopping the fight...that she knew she'd see him again...and within a matter of minutes he stopped breathing, and went to be with Jesus. Of course, then, we wept. Loudly. But God was so present in the room, I am surprised we did not see Him. We did not weep for Ryan...we were rejoicing for Ryan. Our tears were for our own broken hearts, at the harshness of losing Ryan at age 20...we who will miss Ryan so desperately, because he is irreplaceable. In the next several hours, as Ryan's empty shell of a body lay in the room (it was so obvious that he was no longer there...though his body still looked so handsome, his soul was completely gone. I have heard about this, but have never seen it for myself more clearly), several of his doctors and nurses who cared for him over the past 17 days called or came to the room weeping, and simply mourned with us. Which was, and is, exactly what we need. The Bible says to mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep...and I don't know if wiser words have ever been written. Thank you to all who have simply cried with us, listened to us talk about Ryan, sent us your memories of Ryan and have not tried to give us any answers or reasons to be happy right now. We know that we know that we KNOW that Ryan is in a much better place...oh, so much better...he is done with all suffering and pain and we have never been more sure of God's goodness to Ryan and to us. But now is a time to mourn and we are most grateful for friends who will simply cry with us and allow us to grieve well. Please trust our God to hold us up...He WILL. He is big enough to handle our grief, and to use it to make us even more dependent on Him. I have a whole list of scriptures for that...Romans 8:28-30, II Corinthians 1:8-11, etc...but I won't bore you with my Biblical study on this topic. Thank you, though, for letting me tell you honestly what we need. We are a family that feels, and feels deeply. We are also a family for whom God has proven His faithfulness, and so our faith is like SOLID ROCK. It is as firm as the earth that we walk on. So if you listened in at the Robertson home, you may hear us wailing, or you may catch us in the numb part of the grief cycle, or you may hear us laughing hysterically as we watch videos of Ryan at two and a half doing Mission Impossible tricks to rescue fallen teddy bears from cribs...but you will know...the Robertson Family is grieving the loss of their son, but rejoicing at the same time that he is now completely healed, in Heaven with his Lord.

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7.27.2009 - Thoughts on Grief & Faith…

The day before Ryan's Memorial Service


This morning I woke up to this text message from Riley, who is counseling at camp Sambica this week: "Our God ....is so awesome!!! I love you guys so so much and am claiming Isaiah 41:10 for us this morning. He WILL provide." Isaiah 41:10 says, So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. In this very, very unfamiliar, confusing place, God is more present with us than He has ever been before in our lives. Each day, He is giving us strength to face things - with grace - that we, in no way, could handle on our own. He is holding us up when we feel completely broken, empty, raw, vulnerable and just want to crawl up in a fetal position and cry until there are no more tears. Rob and I have never known deeper pain. But we have also never known greater intimacy with our Lord and Savior...we have never felt God's love more tangibly. This brings all new meaning to the verse "His grace is sufficient for you...." And so, in what may seem like a strange thing to some, we feel blessed...for in this unspeakable grief, we have glimpsed the Almighty...and the magnitude of His love for us, and for Ryan. And that has been our greatest comfort. We also know that without the pain, difficulties and trials of the last eight years, we would never be standing today. God has truly been the Author and Perfecter of our faith and has built our trust in Him by proving His faithfulness to us over and over again as our suffering only continued to increase as the years went by. Had He not taken us through each of these dark valleys with such tender care, we would not have had such absolute confidence that He IS our Good Shepherd and that He will NEVER abandon us. Our family has come to believe the truth of Romans 8:28-30 with more certainty than we know our own names: that our God will use ALL things for good, to make us more like Jesus...that He is the great Healer and Redeemer of even the most unthinkable circumstances. In reflection, we are also utterly AMAZED at the miracle that happened at Harborview....before Ryan's overdose, he had suffered profound hearing loss and some permanent brain damage after being found having seizures due to...they think...oxygen deprivation after using a mix of alcohol and weed (these were all that showed up on his tox screen). This was in November of 2008 and was one of the relapses on his road to recovery. That relapse had such serious consequences, that both his ear, nose & throat doctor and his neurologist told him that if he...

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7.27.2009 - Thoughts on Grief & Faith…

The day before Ryan's Memorial Service, continued

Monday, July 27, 2009 at 10:50 a.m.

...ever used drugs again, the rest of his hearing would most likely be the first thing to go...and his hearing aids would no longer be of any use. So, during the first eleven days at Harborview, while all the staff kept talking with him, and we did, too, Rob and I, inwardly, wondered and prayed about his hearing...and were concerned that he was now COMPLETELY deaf. When the MRI came back showing that ALL of the white tissue in his brain was completely devastated, we felt that it was confirmed...Ryan could no longer hear. But we all kept talking to him anyway...telling him how much we loved him, recalling memories with him, reading to him, praying with him, singing to him and explaining to him what was going on. And so, you can see...we are absolutely IN AWE of the miracle that our God did to preserve Ryan's hearing, in spite of all of the brain damage he suffered. Though he could not see or move anything below his neck, and he never regained consciousness, HE COULD HEAR US!! And HE RESPONDED TO US!! We know for certain that he was hearing us all along and that he knew we were with him those entire 17 days; we were all able to communicate with him and tell him how much we loved him, and say our good-byes before he left us for Heaven. We praise our Almighty God, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, for creating Ryan so beautifully...and working so miraculously during the last 17 days of his life in this world. This journal is dedicated to our beautiful boy, Ryan David, and the way his unfailing honesty, courage and commitment to loving our family and truly desiring, pursuing and seeking authentic, deep relationships with us has changed our lives forever. Ryan, you asked us never to forget you...and we never, ever could...even if we tried. You are far too loving and far too lovable...and now you know that it is true...God really does love you the most. This journal is also dedicated to all those, like Ryan, who struggle with the disease of addiction, and choose to face the battle of this insidious disease each day with determination and bravery, knowing that though you are powerless against it, God is with you and will give you the strength, one day at a time, to lean on Him, and to continue choosing life. Lastly, this journal is dedicated to all the nurses, medical aides, respiratory therapists, and other medical staff who serve tirelessly, and often thanklessly, for long hours and doing extremely difficult work, in order to make the lives - and deaths - of people they have never met before more healthy, safe, comfortable and full of worth and dignity. We thank God for all of you.

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5.28.2010 - Continuing to Grieve & to Remember Ryan with Grateful

Hearts…Ten Months After His Death

If you would like an electronic copy of this journal, please e-mail us, and we’ll be glad to send you one. Additional journals/notes have been posted on Linda’s FaceBook profile, which you can find using our e-mail address or by going to:

http://www.facebook.com/LindaDRobertson

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for walking alongside our family in this journey of grief. We will be eternally grateful for your love and, especially, for your prayers. Thank you for weeping with us as we weep, mourning with us as we mourn, and rejoicing with us as we rejoice. Rob, Linda, Lindsey, Riley & Larissa Robertson

4416 228th Ave NE Redmond, WA 98053

[email protected]

Friday, May 28, 2010 at 3:00 p.m.

http://www.facebook.com/LindaDRobertson

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The day will come,

when we will all stand together in unity,

sins atoned,

worshipping our gracious

and merciful God.

Never forget that day will come.

– Ryan Robertson, May 2009

17 days in harborview

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