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Managing ConflictConflict can destroy a relationship.Managing conflict can make a relationship stronger and moresecure.

Conflict is a disagreement between two or morepeople who have different ideas. Conflict occurs inall relationships at one time or another.

■ When a relationship is healthy, people talk about whatis causing the conflict and work together to find a solution.

■ When a relationship is not healthy, conflict can gounresolved. Unresolved conflict interferes with well-being and can cause stress, depression, anger, andresentment.

Managing conflict does not always mean eliminating theconflict completely. It means you are able to recognizewhat is causing the conflict, and that you can cope with itin an honest and respectful way.

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There are different types of conflict. The way yourespond to conflict depends on what it is and how itaffects your well-being.

Some conflict is minor and short-lived—such as dis-agreeing with your friends about where to sit in a movietheater or with your sister about whose turn it is to washthe dishes. You can usually resolve minor conflicts easilyby talking about them and coming to a compromise oragreement.

Some conflict is serious or ongoing—such as refusing tolie for a friend or disagreeing with a classmate aboutusing animals for medical testing. Serious conflicts oftencome from conflicting values and may be difficult—orimpossible—to resolve. You may not want to compro-mise your ethics or values. You might have to agree todisagree.

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Causes of ConflictAny disagreement can cause conflict. Sometimes understanding what causes thedisagreement can help you resolve the conflict more quickly.

■ Differences in values and standards cause conflict. You might want to meetwith a study group on a Sunday afternoon instead of on Saturday night, butsomeone else in the group might spend Sundays with his family.

■ Ineffective communication and misunderstandings can cause conflict. If yourparents don’t tell you that your grandmother is coming to dinner, you mightmake other plans. Then you are angry when you must cancel your plans.

■ Conflict may be caused by personal qualities such as stubbornness or conceit.Your sister might refuse to wear headphones or turn off the radio when you aretrying to study.

When you recognize the cause of the conflict, you can take steps to find a solution.

Avoiding ConflictYou cannot avoid conflict. It occurs in all areas of your life.

■ Conflict is almost constant in families. You live together and share mostresources. You might feel as if you are always fighting with your parents andsiblings about something. You might disagree about what to watch on televi-sion, how late you can stay up, who gets to use the bathroom first, and the wayyou dress.

■ Conflict with friends occurs often as well. You might disagree about where tosit on the bus, what to do after school, what music to listen to, and who toinvite to a party.

■ At school, you might have conflict with teachers about homework or otherassignments. You might have conflict with coaches about practice schedules orplaying time.

■ If you work, you might have conflictwith co-workers about responsibilitiesor with your employer about yourschedule.

■ In your community, you might haveconflict with a neighbor who has abarking dog or a kid who teases you.

Sometimes you can walk away from theconflict. More often, you must face theconflict in order to resolve it.

AAnnggeerr MMaannaaggeemmeennttConflict can make you mad. Whenyou are angry, you might not be rea-sonable or realistic about the conflict.You might say or do something youwill regret later. What if you are tooangry to talk to the other person?✭ Take a deep breath.✭ Count to ten.✭ Exercise.✭ Identify your role in the conflict.✭ Brainstorm solutions.✭ Consider what you could say to

start resolving the conflict.✭ Ask someone you trust for advice.Once you calm down, you will bebetter able to think critically aboutwhat is causing the conflict and howto resolve it. Your brother takes yourMP3 player without permission andrefuses to give it back. How can youcontrol your anger and resolve theconflict?

You might feel as if you are alwaysfighting with your family. How can you work together to minimizefamily conflicts?

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Resolving ConflictThere is a problem at the root of all conflict. Recall from Chapter 2 that a problemis something that blocks you from achieving a goal. You can use the problem-solv-ing process to find a solution.

You will be more successful in resolving or minimizing the conflict if you workwith the other person or people who are involved in the conflict.

■ Together you can identify the disagreement or problem.

■ You can negotiate, or work together, to think of a goal that works for everyone.

■ You can all compromise and select and implement the best solution.

Sometimes you might not be able to get the other person to cooperate. He or shemight not want to resolve the conflict or might refuse to admit there is a conflict.Then, you will have to decide whether you need to take action on your own, orjust walk away.

Taking Responsibility for ConflictWhen you must take steps to solve a conflict, you should try to remain calm andobjective. It is easier to focus on the problem if you keep your emotions undercontrol.

■ Show respect and understanding for the other person.

■ Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings, without blaming anyoneelse.

■ Remember to use the six key factors of effective communication (Chapter 2),including sending a clear, concise message, listening carefully, and using “I”statements to focus on your point of view.

■ Insults hurt and cause new conflicts. You can attack the conflict without attack-ing the other person.

The hardest thing of all might be to apologize. Even if you don’t think you causedthe conflict or did anything wrong, you can apologize for making the other personfeel bad.

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When you disagree with your friends,you can go home. When you fightwith your family, it’s hard to getaway. Some things that can help youcope with conflicts at home include:

✔ Talking it out

✔ Agreeing on some rules

✔ Asking another family member to help

✔ Respecting each other’s right toprivacy

✔ Taking turns instead of sharing

✔ Going for a walk or a bike ride,or just getting away to your personal space

Sometimes you have toapologize to resolve conflict.How can an apology showyou understand that theother person is hurt orangry?

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Team ConflictsConflicts in a team can interfere with the team’s ability to achieve its goals.Because there are many people involved, the type of conflict can vary:

■ Sometimes, the conflict might have nothing to do with the team. One membermight have a personal conflict that is getting in his way. For example, yourbrother might not be helping the family clean the house, because he is on thephone arguing with his girlfriend.

■ There may be conflict between two team members. You and your sister may notagree about who should clean the toilet and who should sweep the floor.

■ There may be conflict between one team member and everyone else in theteam. Your mother might want the whole house clean, but the rest of you wantto clean downstairs today and upstairs tomorrow.

To be successful, the whole team should work together to resolve the conflict.Each team member can contribute to identifying the problem and brainstormingsolutions.

Unresolved ConflictWhen you let conflict go unresolved, it can slowly eat away at a relationship.You might not want to speak up about what is bothering you. You might think it is silly. You might worry the other person will be hurt or angry. When you don’t speak up, you can start to resent the other person, or blame him for yourunhappiness.

Do you expect the other person to knowwhat you are thinking or feeling? Youmight be annoyed because your frienddid not respond to your text message. Youmight be hurt because you think she isignoring you. It is possible she did notreceive the message. Or that she acciden-tally hit delete instead of send. Unless youspeak up, you will not be able to resolvethe conflict and stay friends.

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Follow these important steps forresolving conflicts as a team:

✔ Give all team members a chanceto express their views.

✔ Be respectful of all team members.

✔ Deal with one problem at a time.

✔ Focus on your common goals.

✔ Find ways for all team membersto be involved in the solution.

✔ Encourage all team members totake responsibility for theiractions—positive and negative.

✔ Avoid blame.

Leaving conflicts unresolvedcan ruin a relationship. Howcan effective communicationhelp you resolve conflicts?

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