CLASS 11EWRT 1B

AGENDA

0Surface Revision: Essay #2 0Discussion: QHQ SBB 0In-class writing: SBB

SURFACE REVISION

EDITING YOUR REVISED ESSAY

WordinessA sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains

only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.

Nonessential Word Categories:

0Deadwood0Utility Words0Circumlocution

Deadwood

0Wordy: There were many factors that influenced his decision to become a teacher.

0Concise: Many factors influenced his decision to become a teacher.

Unnecessary phrases that take up space and add nothing to meaning.

Examples

Hint: omit the filler phrases "it is," "there is," and "there are" at the beginning of sentences; these often delay the sentence's true subject and verb.

0 Wordy: They played a softball game that was exhausting.

0Concise: They played an exhausting softball game.

0Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade computer systems.

0Concise: Upgrading computer systems is expensive.

Some familiar expressions that are Deadwood

0There is/There are0I feel0I think0It seems to me0All things considered0Without a doubt0It is important to note0In my opinion0The reason why0In conclusion

Utility WordsFillers that contribute nothing to a sentence.

Examples of Utility Words to Eliminate or Replace

Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree0Thing (something,

anything, everything)0Situation0Kind0Type0Aspect0Sort 0Area

0Basically0Very0Definitely0Quite

Circumlocution

0Problem: Taking a roundabout way to say something (using ten words when five will do) is called Circumlocution.

0Remedy: Instead of using complicated phrases and rambling constructions, use concrete, specific words and phrases and come right to the point.

Omit "which" or "that” when possible.

0Wordy: Because the fluid, which was brown and poisonous, was dumped into the river, the company that was negligent had to shut down.

0Concise: Because the brown, poisonous fluid was dumped into the river, the negligent company had to shut down.

PunctuationUsing commas and semi-colons

Checking the Details

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Miscellaneous Questions

0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?0 Is the page length within assigned limits?0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?0 Does the Header or Footer follow the assignment

guidelines?0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore0 Is your name spelled correctly?0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in

the appropriate location?

Writing Tips0Write about literature in present tense0Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and

“anything.”0Avoid writing in second person.0Avoid using contractions. 0Cut Wordy Sentences0Fix run-on sentences0Check for misused words

A Work in an Anthology, Reference, or Collection

0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this sort of citation is as follows:

0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.

0 Example:0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A

Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth. Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.

Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of original publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.

Langston Hughes“Passing”The Ways of White FolksNew YorkVintage 1990 1934No Editor in this casePages 51-55Print

A Work in a Collection or Anthology

Toni Morrison“Recitatif”Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of African American WomenPublisher: MorrowEdition: 1983Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina BarakaPlace Published: New YorkPages 243-260Print

Recorded Films or Movies

List films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and the release year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use the abbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate medium of publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).

Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.

The Human StainDirected by Robert BentonPerformers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman, Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise. Distributor: MiramaxRelease Year: 2003Medium: DVD

An Article in a Scholarly Journal

0Always provide issue numbers, when available.0Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal

Volume. Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.0Example: Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The

Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devi's Bashai Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature 15.1 (1996): 41-50. Print.

Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in PrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.

Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to the Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases 6.6 (2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.

Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication): pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.

Randall Kennedy“Racial Passing”Ohio State Law JournalVolume 62Issue 114520011-28Web8 Feb. 2013

William Pickens“Racial Segregation”Opportunity: Journal of Negro LifeDecember, 1927364-367Web.8 Feb. 2013

Hughes, Langston.Passing (the poem)Phylon Vol. 11Issue 1(1950)15Web

Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in PrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.

Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication): pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.

Discussion

QHQStone Butch Blues

“I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.13

0 This stood out to me because I think that people should be able to be whoever they want and not have to worry about being judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no map to how a kid should act, everyone is different. Parents are suppose to not worry about what you enjoy doing, or your preferences, they are just suppose to love you unconditionally. Kids should not have to change or try their hardest to please and impress there parents or family, it should just happen, with whatever they choose to be doing. Everyone has the right to be whoever they want, no one should scare them into taking that away. Everyone is unique in there own ways.

These lines bothered me because I can’t believe that an adult would judge a young person this way. I don’t understand it because this has never been a problem for me. What is sad is the fact that she just wants to please them but because she is different the deny her. I just felt like she shouldn’t be judged because the adults at this time period were ignorant.

"Crow, are you a boy or a girl?""Caw, Caw!" (17).

0The quote shows what horrible treatment the character goes through just because he/she is different. Difference is not coped with well in society so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we are doing the person who is being treated badly. The character never had the courage to stand up to the people that kept asking him/her the question which I wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more confident about who he/she is.

There is a lot of hurt behind these words. This is more than just admitting someone was hurting them, this was her accepting what society thought and said about her. This was acceptance of the fact that society perceived her behavior and feelings as “wrong.”This quote just goes to show how much power societal pressures have over us, even our perception of ourselves. It’s striking… and a little scary.

“Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I finally began to agree they were right” (23)

I felt sentimental as I read this because been different doesn’t make us inferior, it simply means we are distinguishable, and unique.

“I tried to read the words in a flat sing-song tone without feeling, so none of the kids would understand what his poem meant to me, but their eyes were already glazed over with

boredom. I dropped my gaze and walked back to my seat. Mrs. Noble squeezed my arm as I passed, and when I looked up I saw she had tears in her eyes. The way she looked at me

made me want to cry, too. It was as though she could really see me, and there was no criticism in her eyes.”

0 This caught my attention because I felt bad for Jess, knowing how nerve racking it is trying to get up in front of your peers that may not know you very well, or that you have to convey that you like something or how you feel. There is the fear of what your peers will think about you as well as what that teacher is going to think. She knows she’s female but at the same time is a Butch and doesn’t really want the other students to know so she passes, but wants the teacher to not exclude her from class just because of her beliefs and not be judged by the teacher. I think she was pretty lucky in that the teacher saw Jess for who she really was and had the heart and totally did the unexpected . I thought it was kind of typical that the other students were bored and not paying attention and sometimes you learn things about yourself that you didn’t know, or associate more meaning with when things don’t go as you planned or you get a different reaction out of the teacher or professor than you planned. The pressure we get from others and the fear of being judged a certain way, drives us to decide what we decide to share and what we keep to ourselves.

These lines from the novel truly repulsed me and disgusted me because of how graphically Feinberg described the scene. To give some context, Jess, the butch lesbian had just been gang raped by six boys from the high school football team she attends. She had also been beaten by them while they viciously assaulted her verbally. When the coach saw what was happening and blew his whistle, one would expect that he had come to Jess’s aide. However, not only did he not help her whatsoever, he even goes on to do the exact same as the boys who raped her and call her a derogatory term. I found this to be horrifying and totally inappropriate even considering that it was around the 1960’s. When part of the school staff does not even defend a student who was raped and beaten but goes on to call her names, there is something wrong with the system. To hire a person who is prejudice and discriminatory defeats the purpose of going to school because school should be a place of neutrality where a student can feel safe. Overall, this part of the novel seemed wrong and immoral no matter how you spin it because there is absolutely no reason for someone to have to endure such an injustice.

“I was alone in the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, staring. I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on my skirt and blood and slimy stuff running down my legs. ‘Get out of here, you little whore,’ coach Moriarty ordered” (41).

” ‘You little slut,’ he whispered… ‘you are in a whole lot of trouble. What the hell were you doing?’‘Nothing, Miss Moore. I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to talk to Karla.’She smiled at me. ‘Sometimes you don’t have to do anything wrong to be in hot water.’ …He looked at her with an open hatred. I could see what a racist he was.” (43)

0This section of the book stood out to me most because it is when I realized that not only is she battling oppression in the form of sexual identity, she is also battling it through the color of one’s skin. I wasn’t able to quote many of the quotes and dialogue throughout the book but this stood out the most because the main character really didn’t do anything whatsoever. Reading this part of the book really made me emotionally angry and in disbelief that at some point in time, self-proclaimed “teachers, principals & faculty” would be so closed minded and ignorant when they are people in high standing and educators. These are people who spread ignorance and hatred with no substantial justification. This book was a constant shock and reminder to what it was back then and how appreciative of the time I live in now.

“For the first time I might have found my people. I just didn’t know how to penetrate

this society.”

0This showed me how out of place she was and how she kept digging to find a place to fit in, but when she did she didn’t know how to interact with them, she just seemed socially damaged.

“When I came into the bar in drag, kind of hunched over they told me, ‘Be proud of what you are,’ and then they adjusted my tie sort of like you

did” (Feinberg 7).

0 Although these few lines were presented in the very beginning of the novel, I believe that it stood out the most because, so far, reading the story it teaches the reader that being of a different sexual orientation may have its disadvantages, but it is who you are and it should not matter what other people think of you. Also, I believe that this quote stood out to me because I have a cousin who is lesbian and although our family members think it is “not normal” to be gay, her cousins including me have always told her to be proud of who you are because the person you are is what God created; He made no mistakes, whatsoever. Lastly, this quote can teach others to be proud of the person they are as whole because each person is different in his or her way. In other words, each person is unique and he or she should be proud of that.

“We learned fast that the cops always pulled the police van right up to the bar door and left snarling dogs inside so we couldn’t get out. We were trapped

alright.” (pg 8 the letter)

0 I know this is a pretty early passage but it really enlightened me to the story before I even got too in depth with the book. This passage opens the door to what kind of prejudice we can expect in this book. It also gives an opening first person view of exactly how helpless these people were. They couldn’t eve turn to the police to help them against the hate of the city. They were literally all alone.

“You think you’re a guy huh? you think you can take it like a guy? We’ll see. what’s these? her said. He yanked up her shirt and pulled her binder down around her waist. HE grabbed her breasts so hard she gasped” (56).

0This quote caught me off guard and adds to the list of actions described in this book I would call inhumane. How could officers of the law, people who are to protect and server, able to treat someone like this? A giant violation of rights and body.

“I felt woozy with fear. It reminded me of when my parents had me committed, or the cops opened my cell door. So many people in the

world had so much power to control and hurt me. I shrugged as though it wasn’t important to me”(Feinberg 93).

0This quote at this point in the story showed me that she was harboring so many demons from her past. Her “stone” attitude comes from so many terrible situations. The way Jess just shrugs it off as if it doesn’t matter also shows her attitude. I figured she would be upset or furious but instead she acted as though she didn’t care. The anxieties of those situations from her past still haunt her and it shows how many times she has been violated. I figured she would have been more upset by this point in the story with her experience but she still just lets it happen.

“Either eat me or eat my shit, bulldagger. It’s up to you.”

0Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being a mere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t get past. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the way she was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such a reaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me to tears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a daily basis it made me burn with hatred for these cops that went specifically out of their way to terrorize butches and femmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexual orientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, as broken as she was for a long time, gave me great respect for jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was hurt, and relentlessly she fought.

“ Guess the street makes us old before our time, huh, kid?’ (118)

0This is hurtful to read. It made me angry! What is life without been a kid first? it made me sad that they had to grow up before their time just because society fails to realize their differences. And instead of encouraging who they wanted to become, rather they made life a living mess for them. pathetic!

“Baby, I’m sorry they hurt you. But more than anything, I’m sorry you got no place to go with it” (122).

0 so often people are being abused, picked on, and even oppressed. But what makes them more vulnerable is the lack of guardianship and counsel. They are left to handle the situation by themselves, which makes them more susceptible. And they are not comfortable enough to talk about their feelings and it doesn’t get any better than way.

“I felt like a nonperson, even Outlaws had more ID's than me”

0I never considered the need of an I.D. as a challenge for someone that has not broken the law. This was a shocking realization for me thinking of her being free since she was viewed as a man but not being able to do anything such as visit Canada or being pulled over by police, In these scenarios she is just as trapped as before. Only this time there are different challenges she faces. In these instances she may be more comfortable in her body but not really any better off otherwise.

“Things don’t change back,” [Theresa] sighed, “they just keep changing” (Beginning of chapter 13).

0 This line caught my attention the moment I read it. Nothing in life is constant. This is something that’s hard to grasp as a child, but as you grow older these words begin to resonate with you. You’re never the same person you were back when you were a child. You’re growing and changing as you constantly interact with the environment around you. This concept also applies to the people you meet and the friends you make over the years; they come and go. Oftentimes good, lifelong buddies stick around, but the relationship you had when you were both thirteen isn’t the same relationship you have when you’re twenty-one. Sometimes friends turn into acquaintances and even in some extreme cases they become your worst enemy. Likewise, the aspect of change is true for social norms in our society. Things like homosexuality are starting to become a bit more accepted. That’s certainly not to say that there is no longer discrimination—there’s still plenty of that—but in the story that Feinberg has painted for us, we can look and see that things are different now.

In-Class Writing

0Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?

0Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

HOMEWORK0Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our

next class by emailing a copy saved in MS word to palmorekim@fhda.edu Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End). Post #16: Finish in-class writing; Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in various ways throughout the novel. Explore an experience Jess has with a medical professional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a quotation. Studying: Terms