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TOPIC 4: COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL TRAINING –

Mark Le Messurier, slide 1

Welcome back! We’re on our last leg – and, that different from being on our last legs.

How are you holding up?

Well, let’s see.

Here’s a test – let’s play, ‘Have you ever?’



‘Have You Ever?’ is really hard to play – it demands great listening skills, a quick response and pure honesty, so listen very carefully.

I’ll ask a question.

‘Have You Ever?’ (whatever)…..

If your answer is “YES” you’ll ‘stand up and move to a different seat’ - at your table or at a nearby table.

Get ready – here’s your first question…..

‘Have You Ever?........ Been in love Fallen out of love Been a parent Been a teacher Been a School Support Officer Felt sad about Autism Seen a joyful side to Autism Picked your nose Been frustrated by a student or by your own child Been frustrated by your partner Kissed your dog or cat Had a day off work just because you felt like it Kicked or threw a winning goal

Well done…



Wow, thanks for your honesty. So, most of you pick your nose, do you?

Too much information – I think?

Like most of you, I advocate for - children in families and students in schools - whose lives are complex.

With or without ASD they struggle to attach to the school culture, to engage, to accept personal responsibility, to feel acceptance and find achievement.

They’re often in constant dispute.

These are the kids that inspired me to write… Cognitive Behavioural Training: a How-to Guide for Successful Behaviour



This book was designed for special education coordinators, class teachers, school support officers, counsellors, psychologists and leaders in schools, as well as for parents at home.

I wrote it as a link to enrich those special moments that arise - when a young person reaches out for help and acknowledges their frustration as they battle with reactivity, organisation, memory, participation, persistence, confidence, friendship or a tricky emotional situation.

Over the years it’s affectionately been dubbed the green book.I’ve been delighted by the way it’s been embraced by so many countries and still continues to be evergreen.

Above all, it promotes the theme that the ‘best management strategy’ is one that radiates from authentic relationships.

Everything worthwhile radiates from humane engagement – it underpins better learning, better choices, better chances and protects against alienation, loneliness and violence.

I think, in part, its popularity has also sprung from the deep collection of engaging visual exercises and flexible therapeutic tips to support the wavering emotions, behaviour and performance of all kids and teens.



In a nutshell, CBT is based on the idea of linking our feelings and thoughts to our behaviours.

CBT promotes that we can ALWAYS change the way we think do be. We can always do better.

It is a way of understanding:

• how we feel about certain things

• what we usually do when we feel like this

• how our reactions are affecting us and others around us

• And, how we night change our thinking to manage better

It’s not tricky, and can be delivered by all kinds of adults to all kinds of kids.

What’s more, the clinical research shouts that it works!



Our role is to lead with questions and discussion.

Rather than telling young people what they should do.

We need to listen, and then help them fill in the gaps.

We help the student to make sense of what may be a problem, an impasse or an upset by breaking it down into smaller more easily understood parts.

The goal is to find a constructive way for them to move forward and unearth new possibilities.

So, CBT is much more than "just chewing over the fat”.

It is goal directed.



CBT is based on 2 crucial FACTS;

FIRSTLY, that the brain is plastic. It is a dynamic organ that can unlearn unwanted habits and responses – and, develop new ones!

SECONDLY, it’s human nature to want to put ourselves in a better position, to make use of our intelligence, knowledge, energy and resources – to advance ourselves.

We have learnt that growth occurs when individuals confront problems, struggle to master then, and through that struggle develop new aspects of their skills, capacities, views about life.

In essence, we’re teaching kids ‘how-to’ - ‘how-to’ develop new skills and new perspectives.

So buckle up! Here is a collection of practical CBT tips.

They’re ever so simple, and may well prove the greatest gift we ever pass on.

But, be warned! I’ve only time to pop in ‘just a taste’ of ideas from my book.



Yes, the brain is a dynamic organ, and students need to know this so they are reassured that they can make changes!

They need to know that by actively participating new learning actually causes intelligence to grow!

Teachers and parents need to know that we are part of this miracle - what we say and do in class, or at home, on a day to day basis has a direct influence on how our kid’s brains develop.

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A good place to start… ‘How you think and react’ That some people are reactors, and learning this as well as learning how to buy time is precious.

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Then… cool, weak and aggro tool box

Emphasise that the more they use their brain it will make a connections and this will increase their memory and learning.

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A visual strategy is any visual way to stretch or support understandings about what to do, when to do it and how to do it.

They come in a variety of forms, as you can see on screen. Wait.

They offer a permanently available and personalised way to improve social/ emotional competencies, as well as being brilliant little anxiety life savers for kids, teens and adults alike



Most people are advantaged when working in a climate of routine and order –not just those with memory disruption and organizational challenges .

At home…

Get a white board and set it up in your child’s bedroom. Organise it so your child can see how the coming week looks, each and every week. Get them to fill it in with you and help them add things and take things off as changes crop up. By doing this they have a permanent visual reference to refer to.

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At school…

As students enter the classroom each day do they see the lessons and the materials required written on the blackboard or whiteboard?

In this way they can see how the morning, or a particular lesson, will unfold and know the things they need.

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Attaching a personalised mini-daily timetable or a checklist to the student’s desk can be stabilizing for many students. Suddenly students ‘tune into’ what’s about to happen and can get prepare for it. Sometimes it’s a great idea to have a photo of how-to lay your belongings out on the back of the personalised mini-daily timetable .

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Use planners to underpin the daily routine. Construct a two or four week planner onto their whiteboard and make a point of adding and deleting things with students participating in the process. This immerses students into knowing what’s coming up, and when they forget, they can look at it!

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Many students, especially those who suffer from poor planning and organisation, struggle to meet deadlines with larger pieces of schoolwork. In the end, their procrastination makes the task look so daunting, that they’d rather let it slip by than tackle it.

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Become expert CHUNKERS and break long assignments into smaller tasks and assign mini-timelines for completion of each

As well, there are more supportive strategies to help students to stay with tasks:

• Teach kids to use stickies on their desktop as reminders

• Use Google Calendar to keep all of your student’s important home events, homework and school tasks. Google Calendar is easy to use and can be constantly accessed and updated by all. And, best of all it’s free and easy to use.

• Provide a jump start – organise an SSO, an older student, a parent or yourself to provide the momentum to get off to a quick start

• Use goo timers. To help kids see how much time is left while they persevere with boring maths exercises

• Predict anticipated problems and short-circuit them.

• Check in frequently and break down the remaining tasks into more easily managed pieces.

Assist students to self-monitor their progress can be as simple as a student knowing the task will be completed once the six sub-tasks are done. For example, each time they complete a sub-task they place the matching card in a box. When all six cards are in the box the task is done!



Developing a student’s self awareness, anyone’s self-awareness, is key.

As students become more aware of what they’re doing, and how their behaviours impact on others, they can move to a position to make adjustments and try new ideas.

‘How close are you to having the tough stuff under control?’

This was inspired by one of my daughter’s ‘girly magazines .‘ It was a questionnaire that asked how good a lover is your partner…. Well, I filled it out…. Hey, it was okay for me to lie, and for kids to not tell the whole truth. The important part is that it alerts students to their challenges – to habits or behaviours that can be refined.

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Similarly, there’s ‘Family hotspots’

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And, classroom hotspots

It helps to talk around the idea that the tough stuff does not have to be a problem forever.

The brain is plastic and change is always possible.

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“How well did you pay attention?” is a practical way for students to monitor their attending skills.

Prior to an activity requiring attending skills let them know that once it is completed you will ask them to record how well they were paying attention.

Ask students to mark on the continuum how well they used their attending skills.

This explicit approach keeps in rehearsal how individuals need to look to effectively attend and persevere.



Looking and listening are complex skills. They longer to cultivate for kids with distractible traits, or those who do not pick up on the social cues as well as others.

They benefit from being given explicit steps on how-to do these.

Encourage students to think about and brainstorm behaviours that are indicative of careful looking.

Rehearse, rehearse and rehearse – this is training to proficiency!

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When it comes to listening teachers of young (and sometimes not so young students) have taught students to listen with SLANT -

Sit up Lean forward Act interested Nod Track the teacher.

Another approach, to encourage good listening are the five Ls are:

legs crossed hands in laps eyes looking forward ears listening lips closed



A few years ago Loretta Giorcelli raised a healthy concept called, ‘Islands of Competence’.

Her idea was that it is therapeutic for kids to discover other people in the world who have had to struggle, and have made their way successfully into the world.

Do what you can to help students find heroes.

You’ll find a host of websites when you enter; famous people with Asperger syndrome/ autistic traits/ ADHD/ learning difficulties/ dyslexia/ epilepsy/ cerebral palsy and so on.



There are more and more references to Asperger syndrome in movies and TV series.

I think it’s wonderful because it helps to educate more and more people in communities about ASD.

Sure, some of it is stereotypical, but it is also educative.

There are some fictional characters who show variable signs of Asperger Syndrome

Basil Fawlty (played by John Cleese in Faulty Towers) Mr Bean (played by Rowan Atkinson) Mr Spock (played by Leonard Nimoy in Star Trek) Data (played by Brett Spiner in Star Trek the Next Generation) Rodney McKay from Stargate Atlantis



Michael Palin - English comedian, actor, writer and television presenter best known for being in Monty Python and for his travel documentaries.

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Alfred Hitchcock - the iconic director and producer who pioneered many techniques in the suspense and thriller genres.

George Orwell - writer, journalist and novelist. Most admired for Nineteen Eighty-Four, and Animal Farm.

Albert Einstein - physicist and best known for his theory of relativity. He also received the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1921.

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Dan Aykroyd - Emmy Award-winning Canadian-American comedian, actor, screenwriter, musician, and ufologist. He is the originator of the Blues Brothers and Ghostbusters.

Woody Allen - three-time Academy Award-winning American film director, writer, actor, jazz musician, comedian and playwright. One of the most respected and prolific filmmakers ever.

Julian Assange - an Australian publisher, journalist, computer programmer and Internet activist. He is the editor of WikiLeaks, for worldwide news leaks to create open governments.

And, of course the list continues!



Every student at school who battles with variable emotion, tricky behaviours and impersistence benefits from a token or reinforcement system.

It’s an optimistic agent to –

improve structure create stronger motivation collect data to reinforce improvement

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Place the spotlight on strengthening a ‘positive’ behaviour you want to see more of.

POSITIVE REINFORCERS are used to kick start their investment for ‘new thinking’.

It’s a good idea to develop a ‘secret signal’ to remind them when to use the ‘new thinking’.

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NEGATIVE REINFORCERS are used when ‘old behaviour’ gets in the way of ‘new thinking’

Record the desired behaviour on the ‘success plan’

Specify how often/ and when this new behaviour is needed

Some take photographs of the student acting out the desired new behaviour and attach it to the plan – a wonderful thing to do for those who love to act and pose for shots!

Select a mutually agreeable place to keep them.



Kids stay excited about chasing the goal by using a visual method.

Let the student choose the one they like.

Different kids respond to better to different systems

- younger kids need more constant feedback

- older students are able to delay gratification a little longer

What a student earns cannot be taken away – instead, it just takes longer for them to achieve the incentive or reinforcer

Once again, train to proficiency - in other words, use it every day!

Once the plan ends (always have an end date) – then, build the standard out or take on the challenge of achieving a new ‘desirable behaviour’.



Group contingency systems’ are practices where a teacher earmarks a set of specific behaviours desired from the class.

As students, display the targeted behaviour there is a tangible recognition in the form of a symbol or token.

After all, the experts have long told us influencing positive behaviours and improved levels of achievement result from a focus on “catching the behaviours we value”.

Designs most likely to improve outcomes are where a good part of the focus is on guiding kids to success.

Designs least likely to improve outcomes are where a good part of the focus is on speed, competition, humiliation and disadvantaging those who can’t keep up.

A simple idea is to write SPORT or GAMES on the board.

Every time you catch a group of students doing well or being cooperative begin to fill the letters in. Once they’re filled in take them outside for 15 minutes for sport or games.

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LUCKY DIPS

During lessons students are handed a small post-it note by the teacher as a way of acknowledging praising them for something they have done well. The student writes their name on it and inserts it into the lucky dip box.

This is a fabulous motivator for kids of all ages.

STAR CHARTS

Attach the star chart, or similar, to a student’s desk or a group of student’s desks. Use this idea to encourage kids to show kindness, improved organisation, better listening, a tidy table, working co-operatively and so on.

Each time you notice something noteworthy from the group add a sticker to their star chart. The table with the most stars at the end of the week/ day attracts a group reward.

GOLDEN TIME/ REWARD TIME or PRIVELIDGE TIME

A popular idea in that students are eligible to receive six five minute vouchers from their teacher during the week that they can trade in for Golden Time each Friday afternoon.

Earning all six vouchers provides a student with thirty minutes of Golden Time. Golden Time is usually play based and offers a choice for students to play; card games, board games and puzzles such as Connect 4, Mastermind, Jenga, Kerplunk or the more traditional games of chess, draughts and backgammon.

Activities as; soccer, basketball, sewing, beading, origami, knitting, indoor, bowls, air hockey, reading or listening to music are also popular.

LUCKY GOLD NUGGETS

This is a motivating idea that is VERY visual. Use gold spray paint to paint a selection of nuggetty looking rocks. Presto, you have GOLD NUGGETS at your disposal! Make sure that the collection weighs in at a kilogram. Get a set of kitchen scales or similar where students can easily keep an eye on the weight. The lucky gold nugget game is continuous. Keep adding a new nugget to the load being weighed whenever something good happens in class that attracts your attention and comment on it at the time. When a kilo of gold is reached – it’s reward time, and it’s best to pre-arrange rewards.

CHOCOLATE WHEEL

WATER SOAKER TIME



TOKEN SYSTEMS help family life run more smoothly because they take parents out of a negative, nagging cycle.

Plus, they are interactive and fun.

Here are a few examples.

Use them yourself, or let them be a catalyst to design an idea specifically for your children.

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Let’s start with “Yes jars”

Buy a large plastic jar for each of your kids. Have them decorate the jar with their name on it. Every so often, perhaps once or twice a week put coloured plastic tokens (each child can have their own colour) on the bench next to the jars.

Tell your children that during this hour you want to see smiles, hear “Yes, mum” or “Yes, dad” and witness cooperative behaviours. Promise that each time you see a positive effort or response you’ll get them to place a token in their jar. Then, at the end of the hour they add up the number of tokens they’ve received. Set up a menu that boldly shows them what 5 or 10 or 30 tokens can purchase. Allow your kids to save tokens from one time to the next so they can earn the more impressive incentives.

Avoid overplaying your hand; tokens earned shouldn’t be removed if things happen to go badly.

The other variation to this is to use raffle tickets. Then, at the end of the allocated time a raffle is drawn. The more tickets a child has increases their chances of winning! This practice is pure fun and recognises their persistence.

STAR CHARTS combined with a ‘magical mystery tour’

Here’s an idea used by one of our resourceful families. They have two girls, delightful and strikingly strong willed, around middle primary school age. When either of the girls achieve their star chart objective - completing chores, being ready for school on time, getting ready for bed independently, happily taking a shower, tidying up the bedroom, putting away toys, remembering to clean teeth, and so on - their parents organise a family day or half day that involves visiting a series of surprise places. The ‘magical mystery tours’ are always joyful

and these parents are certain that this idea, brimming with anticipation, provides them with loads of leverage towards influencing the girls’ more desirable behaviours.



DS, computer games and DVD ‘cut ups’

To encourage the persistence of her son to develop a new behaviour, one mum agreed to deliver a new DS game, computer game or DVD when her son met a behavioural goal they set together (these things were of course very, very important to him). Here’s the thing, and it’s clever; she bought the item, photocopied the cover and cut it into 10, 15, 25 or 30 pieces just like a jigsaw. They agreed that he could have it when he’d earned each of the pieces for achieving a new targeted behaviour, bit by bit. Clever, eh?

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Dinner time - a bright idea!

Alexis was a tricky to manage 10 year old. Her moodiness especially around dinner time often resulted in conflict. Once at the table her mood simmered and it wouldn’t be long before she made an offensive remark about the food, her day or a family member. Very quickly she’d find a reason for not wanting to eat. Family tension intensified as parents played right into her hands and rewarded her negative behaviour with more and more attention; voices became raised, and Alexis would eat a few morsels at her parent’s insistence.

To improve the dinner time climate Alexis’ parents used a unique TOKEN REINFORCEMENT SYSTEM. As she sat down for dinner with her parents, she would light a small tea candle set on the table. The idea was that for each tea candle that burnt away, Alexis could receive six music downloads for her iPod. And, this was the only way she had access to music. Suddenly, there was a great incentive to keep the candle burning! Using this system the candle would be blown out as soon as Alexis fell back into her old grumpy or sulky way. As soon as she apologised the candle was lit again. As Alexis was mindful of the candle burning, she spent more time at the table eating and positively relating to her family. Once she had eaten she would blow out the candle and leave the table.

This approach redirected Alexis’ habitual negative dinner time talk into far more optimistic conversations and responses. Four years later the same idea was resurrected for Alexis’s younger brother; he found it tricky to stay seated at the table during mealtimes!

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Technology; iRewardChart

iRewardChart is an iPhone application that helps kids to stay on track with behaviour using a TOKEN REINFORCEMENT SYSTEM . Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJFELXE-y5E to see how it works. Basically, this ‘app’ motivates children to achieve agreed behaviours in return for incentives (e.g. 10 stars will earn a trip to the movies). Each day a child has a chance to earn a star by doing the predetermined activity, chore or task. It might be to tidy up their bedroom and straighten their quilt, and when they do this they receive a star. You can may add as many tasks (and children) as you want. Children also have the option of earning more than one star for additional activities or if they did a great good job.

As we’ve mentioned previously, never take stars away.

Any stars previously earned remain theirs no matter what, even if they have had a bad, bad day.

iRewardChart also keeps track of the data so you can see the improvements in your child’s helpful behaviour.

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A clever point system

Eleven year old Louis and his mum devised a point system which inspired him to contribute more around the house. Each day Louis could earn 1 point for feeding the dog, 1 point for making his bed, 2 points for stacking the dishwasher, 2 points for picking up the doggy doo and 2 points for taking out the recyclables. Louis needed to achieve 30 points. Dianne and Louis decided on a formula to convert points to dollars. But, Diane was clever. She deliberately whetted his appetite with a brief visit to the bookstore. It provided a moment for Louis to hold the book, flick pages and smell the new ink. Oh yes, it set the scene for a successful outcome. In the ensuing weeks Dianne was happy to prompt Louis, but the beauty of their simple system was the way it dramatically reduced his resistance. It was a win/win solution.



Another way to tease out change is to teach students about self-talk and attitude

As you know, sometimes we are able to talk ourselves up so we feel positive and confident, and then at other times, our inner critic begins to dominate and suddenly negative moods and thoughts take control of our thinking.

Explain to kids that swinging self-talk is a normal human trait and it takes practice to control it. Play with ideas about how to switch negative self-talk off and positive self-talk on.

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Rose coloured glasses

To highlight the difference between looking at this positively or negatively get students to make rose coloured glasses and black glasses (use cellophane and pipe cleaners). Get them to look at images of people doing or facing a challenge or something difficult. Ask them to put on the rose coloured glasses and be that person. What could they say to themselves to positively self-talk their way through the challenge. Then do the opposite as the black glasses are put on. (Burrows, 2004).

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I recall doing this with a group of year 5 students. I chose Elijah to be the positive voice and another lad to be the negative voice in the activity. I should add that Elijah is highly impulsive, often shows aggression and deals with a pretty tough life at home. They both stared intently at the challenging image and offered a variety of ideas. Both generated a string of creative suggestions, but Elijah’s positive self-talk was on fire! After we'd finished, he came up to me and said, “You know...I did good didn’t I? I ought to listen to that stuff myself!”



Sometimes BIG PICTURE planning is the way to go.

It may not be the way things eventually work out, but BIG PICTURE planning helps to relieve anxiety and offers hope.

Year 12 looks so far away when you’re in year 8, especially when you have ASD and are juggling so many other balls.

And, struggling year 6 math students are always

gob smacked to hear that there’s choices to do easier math as they get older. Most are convinced it will just get harder and harder, and they’ll never handle it.

So many kids and parents don’t know that there are multiple pathways to tertiary study, and that tertiary study doesn’t just mean getting a degree at university because you went for an ATR score.

There’s often a lot of myth busting to do.

So, look at what’s possible for kids by working backwards from year 12.

Look at their strengths and interests as well as their dreads and hates.

Then physically map out how they can reach their destination. Give them a hard copy to keep.

And, once is never enough.

Do the same every six months so they can see the options, see it’s doable and remain hopeful.



Every one of us, looks for and thrives on positive feedback.

The experts have long told us influencing positive behaviours and improved levels of achievement result from a focus on “catching the behaviours and actions we value and desire”.

Feedback is a powerful motivator.

Australian researcher Allan Luke coined the phrase, “placing the rope in front of students” so that they can continue to reach out to grab it.

Student-monitoring

This is a useful tool for parents, teachers and students because it delivers a quick, systematic way to monitor a student’s progress.

It provides feedback on:

• how well the challenges are being managed

• the quality of the student’s behavioural, social and emotional functioning

• the student’s work-output

• when adjustments to treatments and interventions should be considered.

This style of program relies on the goodwill of a staff member to coordinate it. Completing the monitoring form only takes five minutes or so, and sharing it with the student on a regular basis aids in reflective discussion and stimulates new initiatives.

The information collected through the system is designed to provide everyone with accurate baseline data, rather than being dependent on opinion, which can sometimes plummet when a behavioural or emotional hiccup occurs. The data helps everyone to make informed decisions about the effectiveness of management.

The big boys that wait at my door!



The higher quality of friendship children have with peers, the greater the chances of their mental health in the future.

The research is clear - the impact of attaching to peers is significant.

Friendship, and the way kids do or don’t do it, gives them a reputation. A reputation as a learner, a loner, a nerd, a cry baby, a hitter, a basketball legend and so on. Some of these reputations are beneficial, and some are downright destructive.

It’s hard to cement friendships with someone who doesn’t get it, is too reactive, who thought jumps, who’s a little too in your face, who forgets and may even seem young in their ways.

While teachers AND parents can’t do everything, we can play a vital role in steering kids in safe directions that truly embrace differences, learning, connection and growth.

A formal social-skills training program offers an explicit framework for children to think their way around social situations; how to establish and maintain friendships, how to handle teasing, aggression and peer rejection.

What’s the Buzz? is one of many social skills programs.

However, it falls into a small handful of ‘social skills’ programs that meets the stringent criteria of a SAFE program. In other words, it explicitly breaks skills down into small components and teaches them. It’s kinaesthetic in its approach, so involves muscle and movement through directed role-play. As well, children receive ongoing constructive feedback about their efforts from peers.

It engineers opportunities for kids to feel the warm comfort from interactions with peers.

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Despite educators wanting the best for students, the dynamic, socially demanding environment of school is not always the most rewarding place for all kids to find friendship and acceptance.

The fall-back position for some, is to actively support them to develop social connections outside of school – often where they are able to connect with others through a common interest.

Teachers are in a pivotal position to source the types of clubs, associations and social group that exist in the local community and distribute contacts to expand awareness and support young people and families make connections.

Never forget the value of clubs, associations and social group that exist in the local community and distribute contacts to expand awareness and support young people and families make connections.



A little worry or anxiety is a useful means to plan, prioritise and cope with life’s experiences.

Almost everyone does it.

But, it becomes a problem when it’s ever present - causing sadness, insomnia, under eating or overeating, poor concentration, poor memory, poor access to rational thinking, poor academic performance, and invites disturbing thoughts.

And, for kids with Autism, their little amygdala’s are often stuck at hypervigilant – they’re always worrying and preparing for the worst – and it becomes a habit, a part of their cognition.

One CBT idea, created by Dunn & Curtis in 2003, is ‘The 5 Point Scale’ to help children identify and manage their feeling, whether they be anxiety or frustration driven. Children are coached to identify the intensity of the feeling and a choose a possible solution to keep them in check. It helps to put abstract information into a visible and measurable format.

Here are few CBT ‘coaching tips’ to help kids fend off worry:

• First check or rate your worry against a ‘Worry scale’. It helps to keep it as real as it should be.

• As soon as the same old worry works its way into your thinking, switch to the usual happy thought and stick with it. Develop a positive habit to overpower the harmful one.

• Worry just once a day. Make a time and make it suit you!

• Share the worry with a friend or trusted adult – a worry shared is a worry halved!

• Make a worry journal, a worry box or a worry tin. Then, draw or write your worries into the journal or place them into the box. They become the “keeper” of the worries while you get on enjoying life. Or, use a ‘Guatemalan worry doll,’ available from OXFAM to take care of the worries overnight. Then sleep peacefully!

• Fight the worry with logical thinking. That’s right – teach kids and teens to pit the rational part of their brain against the wildly emotional part of their brain that drives the worry.

• Oh, always deal with worries in the daytime! Never in the evening at bedtime. Why? Because in the gloominess of dark at bedtime everything seems at its very worst and constructive thoughts are hard to gather.

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And, it’s similar for dealing with disappointment.

Disappointment has to be one of the trickiest feelings to deal with. There are so many different disappointments, and their intensity depends on what’s at stake and what other feelings have become entangled.

Plus, the children who are the focus of my work tend to struggle with faster feelings and have experienced more disappointment than most others; last in races, last to learn a new skill, last to be picked for a team and consistently overlooked to be invited to birthday parties. Experiencing more disappointment, more often than most, actually heightens their sensitivity and reaction to it.

Here are few ‘tips’ to fend off disappointment:

• Be prepared! Being prepared and having a plan really counts.

• Move away, get away from whatever has made you disappointed or caused those BIG feelings.

• Tell yourself exactly what the disappointment is; “I feel disappointed because… I missed out.”

• Remind yourself how big the disappointment should be – that’s right rate it on a disappointment scale – keep it in perspective.

• Share the feeling with a friend or trusted adult

Take a deep breath and put a positive thought into your mind;

“I wasn't expecting this, but it will be okay.”

“I can handle it.”

“I’ll just go with it. This feeling won't last.”“This isn't what I wanted, but I can handle it.”

Lastly, do something that helps to carry this positive thought. This is the time to be brave and look forward to doing a favourite thing later to reward yourself

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Many students on the spectrum do not perceive their school day as well as we might see it.

Asking a student to “rate their day" on a sheet similar to this with you before they leave school is therapeutic!

It helps;

1. To build their intimacy and trust with you

2. It helps them to see that there have been some enjoyable moments

It also puts a full stop on the end of the school day, so home can be home, and any problems can be dealt with tomorrow with someone they trust and have shared with.

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Always teach the sunshine shower to kids, teens and adults – gesture to the screen.

It’s a little life saver for some as it buys time to calm down and reframe things!

Don’t forget to teach both ‘diaphragmatic breathing’ and ‘progressive muscle relaxation’ as a wonderful coping mechanism. Teach individuals or whole classes! They’re quick, easy and effective – but, most of all they’re inconspicuous!



Now you’re in for a treat!

I’d like to introduce my friend, colleague and co-author of both ‘What’s the Buzz? programs, Madhavi Nawana Parker.

Madhavi’s amazing reputation precedes her.

Many of you are aware of the highly regarded work she does with so many children and teens identified with ASD, and with their families.

I started working with Madhavi in 2006

I fell in love with her spirit in an instant.

It was evident that we shared a ‘pretty special spirit’ about children with diverse abilities, and searching for ways to support them as well as their teachers and parents.

The rest is history, and our strong connection naturally led to writing our friendship building program for primary aged students, “What’s the Buzz?” together.

It’s success has been overwhelming.

The program is now in full swing in hundreds of schools and organisations in more than 40 countries.

The secret is that we’re just finishing off a new, ‘What’s the Buzz?’ for Early Learners. We’re excited.

I’ve asked Madhavi to join us to build out some very practical ideas to help your kids and your students – yourselves too – to address anxiety and manage it.

Would you please make my friend welcome…



Construct your child’s, or your students, support team for them to see and refer to.

A ‘support team’ – people to inspire, motivate and console - buoys the resolve of kids and adolescents.

Encourage them to think widely and consider what they need from others to stay in a ‘happy place’. Assist them to record their perfect support team. The team may include mother, father, tutor, teachers, relatives, friend – anyone at all.

Select individuals who students trust and know can deliver whatever is asked in a way that is acceptable. Next to each team member’s name, assign their role or roles.

Push this out even further by inviting your child, or student, to attend their regular review meetings, even if it’s only for the last 5 minutes.

How uplifting for a child or teen to be surrounded by their team and hear each of them participating optimistically.

Create a team that works WITH them rather than FOR them. There's a significant difference and it’s highly therapeutic!



QUESTION - why would a child benefit from knowing they have a ‘support team’ who actively participate in their life, and want to be there for them?

ANSWER – Simply turn your attention to Roy Baumeister’s classic study from 2010.

This ground-breaking study described the ‘effects of rejection’ on an individual’s IQ and ability to reason.

The results were astonishing!

Participants, adults and children, who perceived they had been EXCLUDED by their peers were shown to have –

A significant increase in impulsivity A significant increase in aggression IQ dropped down by 25% Analytical reasoning diminished by 30%

The study concluded that rejection, especially from peers, does interfere with a person’s ‘self-control’ or ‘self-regulation’ and will lead to behavioural difficulties, regardless of Autism or any other condition that may exist.

Inclusion and acceptance counts for everything!



Well, here’s my last slide and it brings us to the end of the day.

My mission has been to respectfully nudge your ‘mindfulness’ about the way to think and manage all kinds of kids – but, especially those on the Autism spectrum.

We bravely brought educators and parents together to hear the same message because our children's futures are dependent on how we team our efforts.

Two worlds merged today to celebrate young people with differences and challenges while recognizing wonderful potentials.

Raising a child with a difficulty or disability can feel tough and isolating.

As parents, we look to educators for support, optimism and wisdom. ‘At times you are our only safety net.’

As teachers, we look to parents for your support, trust and contribution. ‘Understand we are fallible, but want what you do.’

To help understand the angst and grief that often surrounds a parent raising a child with a difference Emily Perl

Kingsley wrote ‘Welcome to Holland ’ almost 30 years ago.

I’d like to read it as a way to highlight why teaming our efforts counts…

Well, it's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.

You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice.

You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go.

Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.”

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy.

All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.“

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.

It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips.

Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a

wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Autism is a complex condition.

It truly tests our compassion and tenacity. Yet, if we fail to see our children’s potentials, we shouldn’t be surprised if in the end they can’t their own.

This is where our work lies.

Thank you to my guests today. Thank you to the organisers, and especially to each of you …

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