SEMINAR 2

The Emotional Divorce Process

Chapter 4, Emotions Involved in Divorce, Step-by-Step Manual

Emotions Likened to a temporary mental

illness Usually diminishes in mediation What is the psychology of the

marriage breakdown?

The Emotional Divorce Process No research indicates how long it takes

for a marriage to break down After a “period of discontent” One spouse first contemplates it That spouse makes a private decision So even the negative intimacies are

gone Distancing behaviors Moving away emotionally Moving away psychologically No engaging arguments, no fights Initiates mediation/divorce

This spouse’s behavior may be a relief to the other spouse

Misinterpretation

Denial

Then shock, anger, fear, or continued denial

The spouse who initiates the divorce process impacts mediation tremendously.

They may not be emotionally ready, certainly not on the same page

Even when they both say they want a divorce quickly

“Clients are emotionally ready to begin mediation when they have spent time with a counselor, are physically separated and have had time for each to adjust to the idea of divorce.”

The Relationship Circle

“When clients understand this process, often they change their behavior and begin to cooperate with each other because they see that they have the same goal: to establish a more businesslike relationship with written agreements about their conduct in the future.”

The Relationship Circle Brings them to a certain reality Produces a sense of relief Allows them to feel able to go on Defines what they are doing, going

through Ends a sense of isolation

PHASE 1: FRIENDSHIP Courtesy Fun Compatibility Respect Casual Positive Enjoyable Inclusive Meaningful Committed Long-term

PHASE 2: POSITIVE INTIMACIES

New chores New roles New expectations Unique sharings Private understandings Confidings Resolved conflicts Forgivenesses

PHASE 3: NEGATIVE INTIMACIES

Criticisms Putdowns Name calling Power struggles Cheapshots Abusive anger

Reasons Major breach of trust, e.g., physical abuse,

affair Arguments that escalated into fights, not

resolved, not forgiven Overburdened relationship Stress Disorders Addiction Financial problems Medical crisis No conscious effort to ensure positive

intimacies dominate

PHASE 4: BUSINESSLIKE RELATIONSHIP

Developed with the mediator Work toward feeling emotionally safe Can re-enter the family circle of children,

friends in common, extended family Avoids re-hashing the past Minimizes a custody investigation Instead of digging into poor parenting of

the past, develop a plan for future parenting

Permits parents to grieve, what they lost, what they hoped for but never had, what they won’t have with each other

Grieving

“the deepest loss is the loss of a dream”

FACILITATIVE MEDIATION Mediator structures a process toward

resolution by assisting parties Mediator is a 3rd party that lacks the

authority to impose a solution Assumes that the parties are intelligent,

capable of understanding their situations better than the mediator and lawyer

Based on two guiding principles; Self-determination of the parties in

resolving their disputes Neutral 3rd party facilitator Thus, parties can create better solutions

Facilitative vs. Evaluative Mediation

How to Facilitate Asks questions Validates, normalizes each point of view Searches for underlying interests Finds and analyzes options Does not recommend Does not advise Does not give opinions Attempts to avoid the influence of the

attorneys Mediator not necessarily familiar with

legal substance

“The mediator is in charge of the process, while the parties are in charge of the outcome.”

EVALUATIVE MEDIATION

Modeled on settlement conferences held by judges Points out weaknesses of a case from a legal

standpoint Concerned with legal rights of the parties more

than needs, interests Often meet separately, “shuttle diplomacy” Weigh costs vs. benefits of legal settlement vs.

mediation Attorney may meet alone with mediators, but

most are attorneys

How to Evaluate

Finding facts Properly weighing evidence Judging credibility Allocating burden of proof Determining and applying relevant

law,rules or customs Rendering an opinion

End Result

Mediator influences the outcome Can compromise a mediator’s

neutrality in the eyes of the parties Promotes positioning and

polarization, which is antithetical to the goals of mediation

Sources:

“Styles of Mediation: Facilitative, Evaluative and Transformative Mediation” by Zena D. Zumeta www.learn2mediate.com

“Facilitative Mediation: The Classic Approach Retains its Appeal” by Carole J. Brown, December 2002, www.mediate.com

The Continuing Story of Angela and David

In this week's Seminar, we return to our fictitious couple, David and Angela, who met as high school seniors and dated for three years prior to their marriage. The couple is now in their seventh year of marriage. There are increasing problems over money. David, who was more outgoing in the earlier days of the relationship, has become more distant during the past year. Angela suspects that David is having an affair, and often raises this issue. David denies that he is having an affair.

David & Angela (cont.)

The couple has decided to divorce and has come to you for family mediation. David and Angela have two children, Benjamin (age two) and Connie (age four). David is a Certified Public Accountant. He works many extra hours during the spring each year. Angela is also an accountant but is not a CPA. Angela hates accounting and would prefer to be writing screenplays. She has worked outside the home, in an accounting job, on a part-time basis since the birth of Connie. David believes that Angela does not work hard enough at her job. Angela believes that David is not ambitious enough to move ahead at work.

Angela & David (cont.)

What mutual concerns do David and Angela have? What are their individual concerns?

Angela & David (cont.)

How would you, as a mediator, begin to facilitate avenues of communication between Angela and David?

Angela & David (cont.)

What problems currently impede a divorce settlement between David and Angela?

Angela & David (cont.)

What problems must be resolved in order to promote cooperative parenting for their children?