Introduction to Communication

These basic axioms are necessary to have a functioning communication between two individuals. If one of these axioms is somehow disturbed, communication might fail.

It's not possible not to communicate: Every behaviour is a kind of communication. Because behaviour does not have a counterpart (there is no anti-behaviour), it is not possible not to communicate. Every communication does have both a setting of content and one of relations: This means that all communication includes, apart from the plain meaning of words, more information - information on how the talker wants to be understood and how he himself sees his relation to the receiver of information. The nature of a relationship is dependent on the punctuation of the partners communication procedures: Both the talker and the receiver of information structure the communication flow differently and therefore interpret their own behaviour during communicating as merely a reaction on the other's behaviour (i.e. every partner thinks the other one is the cause of a specific behaviour). Human communication cannot be de-solved into plain causation and reaction strings, communication rather appears to be cyclic. Human communication involves both digital and analogue modalities: Communication does not involve the merely spoken words (digital communication), but non-verbal and analogue-verbal communication as well. Inter-human communication procedures are either symmetric or complementary, depending on whether the relationship of the partners is based on differences or parity.

Watzlawick’s Five Axioms of Communication

The TA-model of communication (Transactional analysis)

Transactional analysis is a model of human communication – discovered from Eric Berne - in which the basic element is a transaction: a signal from one person – it doesn’t matter if it’s verbal or non-verbal – and a response from another person.

From Watzlawick we know, that you cannot have no communication: you are sending signals if you are aware of it or not. That is why it is so important to be able to notice, who is sending what kind of signals to you and what you are sending to another person.

Within the transactions we send well-liked signals as praise, appreciation, comforting, but we also give negative signals like criticism, suffering words, and reproach.

In the TA model a person is considered in 3 parts:

Adult ego-state

Parent ego-state nurturing

critical

Child ego-state rebellious

adaptedfree

The ego-states and some typical expressions

CriticalParent (cP)

nurturingParents (nP)

Words: you should, must, never; you cannot do that; that’s childish; everybody knows that; how could you?; proverbs, idioms, moralising comments

Voice: sharp, decisive, strained, impatient, patronising, dressing-down

Gesture, mimicry, attitude:Point-finger arouse, eyebrow high, head trembling, shoulders stiff;

Words: good, nice, lovely, you poor,We’ll arrange/ manage this, what kind of wishes do you have?, can I help you? Don’t worry, don’t get angry, ...

Voice: with love, smooth, comforting, attentive, soothing

Gesture, mimicry, attitude:Body towards the receiver, arms aremoving towards the r., stroking the other’s hair, with understanding, …

Words: what, why, how, where, who; correct; practical; what are the facts?; What follows?; What is necessary, what fits?; I conclude …

Voice: objective, balanced, correct, monotone

Gesture, mimicry, attitude: thoughtful, observant, open, eye contact, upright, open-minded, interested, perceptive, testing, concentrated

The ego-states and some typical expressions

Adult (A)

The ego-state and some typical expressions

Free child (fC)

Rebellious child (rC)

adapted child (aC)

Words: Great!, nice!, *$!#ing great!; I need…; I don’t like …; I’m angry,

Voice: loud, free, energetic

Gesture, mimicry, attitude:Laughing, air-kissing, direct anger, crying, bright-eyed, open mouth, lively, excited, relaxed, playful, spontaneous, curious, expressing feelings

Words: phh; i didn’t do it; no!!; you must be joking!; Why me?; I won’t take that; quit that!; you’re nuts!; that’s none of your *$!#ing business!

Voice: defiant, demanding, moody, loud, grumbling

Gesture, mimicry, attitude:Closed up, chin and lipsforward, sprawled, stamping, pouting, sticking the tongue out, refusing, protesting

Words: thank you, please, perhaps, I hope so, i would like to…, I don’t know, I’ll try, that’s unfair, it’s always me…

Voice: monotone, humble, tearful, soft, pleading

Gesture, mimicry, attitude: restrained, sad, pouting, closed, dejected, hanging shoulders, downcast glance, crossed arms and legs, shrugging, shy, fearful, gives in easily

TA-model of communication

All these parts are included in every personality – but in different percentages. It depends on education/ socialisation, on the context, which part will dominate in a concrete situation. By reflecting you will find out, which part ist more dominant in which situation in your life and how useful this combination is for a successful communication.

In general, the combination of the adult ego-state, the nurgering parental style and the free child ego-state makes working together easier, since it improves information flow and feedback.

With practice, the adult ego-state can take the role of an arbitrator.

Transactions

In the TA model there are three patterns of transactions:

1. A B 2. A B 3. A B

Parallel = complementarytransaction

Crossed transaction

transaction “underthe carpet”

Your own experience

Think about situations in your life, where you are using elements of the different ego-states while communicating.

What kind of experience have you made? What did you say? What did the other person say? What kind of non-verbal signals were sent? What is your hypothesis about the ego-states? What was your inner reaction? (feelings, impulse to act or speak) How have you and the other person behaved? How successful was the communication? which of your reactions have been appropiate/ which not?

If you are thinking about a problem in your profession, try to distinguish your sentences, which you are planning to say in such, which will be appropriate to the parent-ego, to the child-ego and to the adult ego; it will be a good preparation to avoid misunderstanding or conflicts.

You will see, if you reflect like this, that it is usually possible to identify the ego-state: through your behaviour, both you and your partner have an idea of what ego-state you are in and what state you provoke in the other person (you can draw conclusions from your automatic reaction to the other person’s ego-state).

Conclusions from the model

1. Berne found out that some ego-states are more productive for our communication than others (A, nP, fC)

2. The ego-state-model is a good instrument for the analysis of confusing discussion situations and for finding solutions or decisions

3. The model widens the possibilities for making choices4. It helps me guide my behaviour in a better way5. Avoid putting people into boxes or categories6. Become more aware of your own blind spots (that usually stem

from adult or child ego-states), e.g. use the Johari window7. A mature personality is conscious of their current ego-state and is

able to change it – depending on the situation – in the interests of positive communication

The four-ears model of Schulz von Thun

Self-disclosure Ear

Facts Ear

Appeal Ear

Relationship Ear

Sender MessageFacts Relationship

Appeal

Self-disclosure

Receiver

Relationship Side

What’s my attitude towards you and our relationship? Messages contain a statement about how one person views the other as well as

about the state of their relationship. This shows itself in The chosen formulation Cadence or tone of voice, Non-verbal expressions (e.g. mimic, gestures,)

It is impossible to discuss on the facts level without in some way coming into contact on the relationship level.

The relationship level dominates the facts or information level (iceberg model If problems in the relationship sharpen, the only thing that helps is to talk about

it: the information must wait until the relationship is restored.

MessageSender Receiver

Facts / Content

Self-disclosure

Appeal

Relationship

Mother“Put on your jacket as well! - It is cold outside.”

You won’t make the right decision on your own!

Daughter

Facts Side

What am I informing about? Messages contain factual information, i.e. Concrete information about a particular

topic. Objectivity is a given when I can make myself understood by the receiver without

one of the other three sides gaining the upper-hand.

It is cold outside!

MessageSender Receiver

Facts / Content

Self-disclosure

Appeal

Relationship

Mother“Put on your jacket as well! - It is cold outside.”

Daughter

Self-disclosure Side

What am I saying about myself? A message also says something about the sender, the person speaking.

This self-disclosure can either be conscious or unconscious.

I’m concerned about you!

MessageSender Receiver

Facts / Content

Self-disclosure

Appeal

Relationship

Mother“Put on your jacket as well! - It is cold outside.”

Daughter

Appeal Side

What am I trying to induce you to do? What effect do I want to have?

A message contains not only information, but also the intention to influence the other person to do, not do, think or feel something. There are three variants:

Hidden Appeal The sender tries “softly, softly” to generate some “good weather” for his undertaking, without his competitor noticing

Paradox Appeal The sender says the opposite of what he intends to achieve, since he knows that the receiver doubts his word anyway

Open Appeal A direct expression of wishes or demands

Put on your jacket!

MessageSender Receiver

Facts / Content

Self-disclosure

Appeal

Relationship

Mother“Put on your jacket as well! - It is cold outside.”

Daughter

Questions for the Sender

Factual aspect

How can I communicate the factual content clearly and without misunderstanding?

Relationship aspect

How do I treat other people through my style of communication?

Self-disclosure aspect

What do I want to disclose about myself

Appeal aspect

Do I induce someone to behave in a particular way due to my style of communication, without realising it?

The Four Sides Of A Message – Example

Factual aspect

What I’m informing you about:

“The traffic light is green”

Relationship aspect

My attitude towards you and our relationship

“You need my support”

Appeal aspect

What I am trying to induce you to do?

“Step on it!”

Self-disclosure aspect

What I’m saying about myself:

“I’m in a hurry”

Sender

(Husband)

Receiver

(Wife)

“Hey, the light’s turned green!”

The Situation:Wife is driving, husband is passenger

The “message”

Communication Tips

Facts

1. Remain factual

2. Speak understandably

3. Listen analyticallyAppeal

10. Present convincing arguments

11. Ask questions

12. Steer fairly

Relationship

4. Listen actively

5. Mention feelings

6. Give and receive feedback

Self-disclosure

7. Speak in the first person

8. State your own opinion

9. Clarify intentions and goals

Discussion

Tips for Conversations – Facts

1. Remain objective Place the topic as focus of the conversation, rather than yourself

or your own interests. The following behaviours could support objectivity: Formulate the topic as a common problem-in-common Analyse the problem Collect various solution ideas Ask for information Designate opinions as personal evaluations Compare estimates with current values Discuss the consequences in several dimensions (financial, personnel,

technological, organisational)2. Speak understandably

Messages are easier to understand when the speaker organises his thoughts and presents them in a logical order. The following tips help: Use short, simple sentences with common words; explain foreign

words and jargon where necessary. Present the information in a logically-constructed form, with a

recognisable path. Keep the message short and concise, sticking to the important points. Use additional stimuli: pictures, comparisons, illustrations (possibly

also visually).

3. Listen analytically Factual content can be discussed more clearly when the

discussion partner listens analytically and not associatively. Listening analytically means:

Don’t lose your train of thought through stimulating words. Stick to the statements of your discussion partner and don‘t go on

tangents. Check the validity of the arguments rationally, don‘t let emotions

deflect you. Check the arguments for unspoken assumptions and superficially

plausible rationale.

Tips for Conversations – Facts

4. Active listening Listening in people-centred discussions is called active, when it is

not limited to a passive reception of information, but rather involves a range of highly active processes: To put oneself in the other person’s shoes, to think and feel from his

perspective To attempt to comprehend what the other person really means and

wants to say (i.e. not to get stuck on certain sayings or key words) Try to sense the emotional state and mood of the other person Keep back one’s own evaluations, suggestions and spontaneous

reactions or sometimes for a while knowingly suppress them Let the other person know that you’re following his statements by use

of body signals (eye contact, “hmm”, nodding) Actively listening is recognisable, when the listener

Summarises the sender’s statements and attempts to repeat Notes the emotional state of the other person and addresses it; Sticks to the main message with open questions, or those that invite

further reflection; Can withstand pauses; Sends nonverbal signals (see above)

Tips for Conversations – Relationship

5. Discuss feelings directly Emotions are usually recognised and decoded from non-verbal

signals. Physical responses typically fall into one of three basic categories: Like (joy, trust, sympathy, satisfaction, hope) Dislike (Aggression, Antipathy, defensiveness, discontent) Anxiety (fear, doubt, disappointment, pain, evasion)

At work people are generally shy about mentioning the discussion partner‘s emotions. It requires sensitivity and practice to formulate the observed emotional state accurately and appropriately.

Tips for Conversations – Relationship

6. Give feedback One should lets one’s discussion partner know how you’re

experiencing the situation and the other person, after certain episodes or passages. Such statements are helpful when there are misunderstandings or conflicts.

With feedback, you let the other person know how you have understood his statements, what wishes you have, and how you have experienced him. It is just as important to receive such statements, as to give them, without reacting crossly, out of sorts or defensively.

Such responses are better received, when you Describe content instead of passing judgement; Formulate emotions directly instead of indirectly; Speak in the first person (“I”) instead of third person (“One”, “it”); Allow reciprocity, i.e. staff can speak to their manager in the manager

that he speaks to them. State your own wishes (concretely what the other person should do

differently)

Tips for Conversations – Relationship

7. Speak in the first person A discussion partner seems more believable, when he

expresses his beliefs and emotions. It is particularly import in conflict situations, to admit one’s feelings and discuss them openly.

Personal statements can be recognised since They are in the first person (“I’m annoyed every time that

you’re late.” “I don’t dare consult the director about this matter.”)

Formulations in the second or third person are omitted. (“You can never be on time!”)

One leaves out “one” formulations. (“One cannot talk to the director about such a matter!”) At work the focus is on concrete decisions and individuals, not general pearls of wisdom

Observations and wishes are expressed directly and in a timely manner (not: “I could imagine you taking over this task...”, but: “I want you to take over this task”).

Tips for Conversations – Self-disclosure

8. State one’s own opinion Every supervisor has his own opinion; some, however, believe they

should not state it (e.g. at evaluations) or that they have to align themselves with the authorities (their supervisors or experts). Supervisors are often recommended that they should withhold their opinion. However, it helps their credibility and the teamwork, when the supervisor Has the courage not to shy away from unpleasant messages and

personal statements; Develops a sense for when his opinion is needed or wanted, and when

not; Doesn’t present his opinion as scientific truth, but lets people recognise

the subjectivity (“In my opinion …”, “My experience tells me …”)

9. Clarify intentions and goals Meetings can be shorter and more concentrated when the chair

states his intentions and goals clearly. For this he should State his personal ideas and goals Pay attention to the ambiguity of goals; they can have human, technical,

financial and organisational aspects Discuss conflicting goals (between people or different aspects) openly

Tips for Conversations – Self-disclosure

10.Argue convincingly The persuasiveness of an argument is increased when it connects with the

listener’s ideas, frame of reference and motives. The following approach brings someone to the required consequences: Set goals Take expectations and experience of staff into account Analyse approaches Take positive and negative consequences into account Determine concrete measures

11.Ask questions Questions mark the “royal path” through a discussion. Who asks questions,

forces his listener to answer. So that someone cannot avoid answering, you should not ask several questions at the same time. One can distinguish between closed, open, direct and indirect questions: Closed questions can only be answered with “yes, “no” or with facts (“Have you

finished the experiment?”) Open questions allow the person questioned to give his view (“How far are you

with the experiment?”) Direct questions explore what the questioner wants to know (“What do you think

about Smith’s suggestion?”) Indirect questions follow a particular strategy (leading or ambiguous questions)

(“Do you not think Smith’s suggestion is too expensive?”)

Tips for Conversations – Appeal

12.Steer fairly

The other person must be able to recognise what you intend and have a chance to propose an alternative. The following behaviours differ from manipulative techniques in that they are open and transparent:

Define and formulate issues: Where are we? What’s it about?

Propose the method for resolving the issue: a scheme for analysing the problem, meeting minutes, facilitation, set a time limit etc.

Make suggestions and ask others to also.

Make statements concrete: request, clarify, refer to the topic

Ask for and give information

Summarise statements occasionally, and draw conclusions

Bring about a decision and make it binding.

Tips for Conversations – Appeal