HANSEL & GRETEL: EXTREME MAKEOVER EDITION

A New Adaptation of the Classic Grimm’s Fairytaleby

Brad Lyons

*Originally produced at Timber Lake Playhouse, May 13-16, 2008

CHARACTERS

MALE:TY BENNINGTON – Mike MorinHANSEL – Alex MarloweWILHELM GRIMM (younger, scaredy-cat) – Evan EnderleJAKOB GRIMM (older, bossy ringleader)—Neal EcholsDAD/DUCK – Greige Lott

FEMALE: GRETEL – Kaitlin DoughtyWICKED STEPMOTHER/SOCCER MOM – Melissa “Kentucky” MattinglyWICKED WITCH (“Gramma Goodbar”) – Sam Dubina

Brian Hoehne – will design & runCarrie – costumes and LBO, or backstage

1

LX – House to half

SFX – Opening music/announce

LX – Black out

Scene 1: The Wood House . A special LIGHT comes up on a large book center stage that reads “Grimm’s Fairy Tales” in large, bold letters.

The SOUND of soft music begins to play as JAKOB and WILHELM GRIMM enter on opposite sides of the stage. They are dressed as dourly as their

last name suggests, speaking in German accents and mirroring each other’s moves.

JAKOBGoot morning, boys und girls! I am Jakob (“Yah’-kobe”) Grimm –

WILHELMAnd I am Wilhelm (Vil’-helm) Grimm, and vee are here to tell you vun of our –

BOTH (as they gesture at the book)“Grimm’s Fairy Tales.”

JAKOBZees are vay-mous stories we wrote in Germany --

WILHELM-- about two hundred years ago!

JAKOBVee wrote many vay-mous stories, some of vitch I’m sure you’ve hurt ov:

WILHELMRotkappchen! (pronounced “wrote-cape-shen”)

JAKOBIn English, Wilhelm.

WILHELM (To audience)Och, sorry! “Little Red Riding Hood!”

JAKOBAnd vee wrote “Rumpelstilskin”!

WILHELM

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And also, “Rapunzel”!JAKOB

Today vee are here to tell you vun of our mozt amazing stories of all:

WILHELM“Hansel und Gretel”!

JAKOBIn English, Wilhelm!

WILHELM“Hansel and Gretel!”

JAKOB (has the book now and reads:)Our story begins … Once upon a time!

SOUND (music) begins as lights come up on the rustic CABIN of Hansel & Gretel. (See notes on “SET” at end of script.)

“Once upon a time –

WILHELM-- about 200 years ago –

JAKOBThere lived a brother and sister.

WILHELM (reading next to JAKOB)The boy was named Hansel Wood …

HANSEL enters. He is in traditional lederhosen shorts and Austrian hat.

JAKOBAnd the girl was named Gretel Wood.

GRETEL enters, curtsies. She is miserable in her Alpine outfit, looking like “Swiss Miss” with flowers in her braided hair.

They lived in a cabin, deep in the woods, in the Black Forest of Bavaria.

WILHELM (Scared, to JAKOB)I don’t like ze Black Forest, Jakob. It’s dark and spooky.

JAKOBI know, Wilhelm, I know. (Back to story :) Hansel and Gretel were very, very poor.

GRETELI wish we had something to eat.

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HANSEL (matter-of-factly, looking at GRIMM’s BROTHERS)But we don’t. We’re very, very poor.

JAKOBThe children lived in the woods with their father.

DAD comes on in flannel, with an ax. HANSEL & GRETEL run to him.

H & GPapa!

WILHELMHe was a nice man, and his children loved him very much. But he had no money. He was a poor lumberjack.

DAD (to audience)It’s hard to sell wood to people when you live in a forest.

JAKOBAnd the children had no mother. The lumberjack’s wife had died several years before.

WILHELMThe three of them were very sad, indeed.

THE FAMILY sobs and cries.

JAKOBBut, then, the lumberjack suddenly had an idea.

DADI suddenly have an idea!

GRETELWhat is it, Papa?

DADI will find a new wife. You children will have a mother again, and we can all be happy!

JAKOBAnd find a new wife he did!

MOM enters, nicely, and kisses DAD -- freezeThey were married in the spring!

H & G

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We have a new Mama! Hooray!WILHELM

But by the time summer came, the Mother had turned into an evil, wicked STEPMOTHER!

H & GAwwwwwww!

MOM, kissing DAD, pushes his face away. HER looks turn sinister.

MOMHansel and Gretel, go outside and rake up all the leaves.

HANSELBut we live in a forest!

GRETELRaking up all the leaves would take forever!

MOMRight. And when you’re done with that, you can clean the house.

DAD (to MOM: )But, dear –

MOM turns viciously and stares at DAD, scaring him. To H & G:You two do as your mother says.

H & GYes, Papa.

HANSEL & GRETEL exit.

JAKOBSo Hansel and Gretel’s lives were made even sadder than before.

WILHELMOne day, while the children were outside, the step wife quietly said to her husband:

MOM (screaming)GEORGE! GET OVER HERE!

DAD (running to HER)Yes, dear!

MOM

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I’ve been thinking –

DADYes, dear?

MOMWe’re poor because you’re terrible at your job.

DAD (miserably)Yes, dear.

MOMWe’re so poor that we barely have anything to eat. (coyly) Not enough for the four of us, anyway.

DAD (sad)Yes, dear.

MOMSo, I have a plan that will make us all happy!

DAD (hopeful)Yes, dear?!

MOMTake Hansel and Gretel deep into the forest and leave them there forever. With them gone, there will be plenty of food for the two of us!

DADBut, dear … we can’t do that. How will they survive in the forest?

MOMNot my problem.

DADThey’re just kids. They’ll starve to death.

MOMNot my problem.

DADOr worse yet, they’ll be attacked and killed by wild animals!

MOM

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What’s your point, George?

DADIt’s mean. I can’t do it! I won’t do it!

MOM glares at him.Yes, dear.

MOM (yelling off)HANSEL! GRETEL! Come in here!

HANSEL & GRETEL enter. TY BENNINGTON begins making his way to the stage through the audience as HE listens to the story.

H & GYou called, stepmother?

MOM (happy at last)Yes, children. I have some wonderful news!

H & G (excited)What is it, stepmother?

MOM Your father is going to take you deep into the forest and leave you there forever!

H & GWhat?!

MOMI mean, uh … Your father is going to take you deep into the forest and … work with you together.

H & GHooray!

JAKOBSo, things were looking very, very gloomy for Hansel and Gretel.

TY (loudly, through his “blow horn”)Gooood morning, Wood Family!

ALL (scream)Ahhhhhhh!

ALL scream, as WILHELM jumps into JAKOB’s arms.

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JAKOBWho are you?

WILHELMJa, who are you, you … loud man!

HANSELGretel, look! It’s Ty Bennington!

TY (still through blow horn)That’s right, I’m Ty Bennington, from the TLP Network’s “Fairy Tale, Extreme Makeover Edition.” (To audience, no blow horn) Good morning, boys and girls! (Audience response.) Oh, you can do better than that. I said (through blow horn) “Good morning, boys and girls!” (Audience response.)

JAKOB (pulling a scared WILHELM behind him)Loud man, vat are you doing here? Ve are right in the middle of a fairy story.

TYThat’s why I’m here. I received a very sad letter from a boy named … Hansel Wood. (in blow horn) Hansel, where are you?

HANSEL runs forward and shakes TY’s hand.

HANSELI’m right here, Mr. Bennington! It’s a pleasure to meet you!

TY (in blow horn)It’s a pleasure to meet you, too!

ALL have their fingers stuffed in their ears because TY is so loud.

WILHELMCould you please stop doing zat?

JAKOB (with fingers in ears)Ja, it’s making mein ears rink.

TYOh, sorry. At any rate, I’m here because I received a very sad letter from Hansel, here. (To audience) Would you like to hear it? (audience, Gretel & Dad respond) Would you? (Response) Okay! (reading letter) “Dear Mr. Bennington …

The SOUND of “Sad music” begins. As TY reads the letter, the characters cry. I watch your show all the time and really think it’s great. I’m wondering if you can help me and my family with a makeover. You see, we’ve been trapped in the same fairy tale for TWO HUNDRED YEARS. Me and my sister are always poor, and my father is always sad.

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Every time the story is told, we have nothing to eat. My father always marries the same wicked woman, who becomes our wicked stepmother. She makes my father take Gretel and me to get lost in the forest, where it’s dark and spooky.”

ALL look at MOM.

MOMWell, don’t look at me! (pointing at the Grimms: ) It’s their fault. They wrote the story and made me this way.

TY (to MOM)Hello? I’m trying to read this sad and touching letter?!

MOMOh. Sorry.

TY (reading again)“We are always starving and scared. Can you please help us? I’d like our story to be happier. Yours, truly … Hansel Wood. (Beat) PS – I only have one outfit and it’s two-hundred years old. Can I maybe have some new clothes, too?

ALL are crying and sad from the letter.

TYThat’s one sad letter, huh? So, I thought to myself … I have to help the Wood family out, because this fairy tale sure is “Grimm.” (To BROTHERS:) “Grimm,” Get it.

WILHELMJa, we get it.

JAKOBLike it’s the first time we’ve heard zat one before.

TY (into blow horn)So, AUDIENCE, ARE YOU READY? (Audience response) GRIMM FAMILY … ARE YOU READY?

HANSEL, GRETEL, MOM & DADYEAHHHHH!

TY (in blow horn)BECAUSE YOUR MODERN, FAIRY TALE MAKEOVER STARTS RIGHT … NOW!!!

The FAMILY runs off stage to change clothes.

9

SOUND of happy music starts under as TY takes the FAIRY TALE book from the GRIMMS BROTHERS.

*NOTE: Throughout the following, TY, the BROTHERS and the family help change the set and help with costume changes to “make” the new

story/set.

TY(reading, thinking, and changing as HE goes)

"Once upon a Time in a forest far, far away." … Now, this time wasn't as long ago as you might think. It wasn't yesterday, oh no! It was more like … two weeks ago. And the forest wasn't as far as, say, Peoria … but it wasn't as close as Northbrook, either.

THE LIGHTS come up (bright and happy) on HANSEL & GRETEL's home.Our story begins here in the humble home of two adorable children, who are much like you. Their names are Hansel …

HANSEL enters. HE is “street,” with baggy jeans, big “bling” around his neck, and a baseball hat tipped to the back.

HANSELYou can call me Little How Wow. (Flashing his sign:) How Wow in ‘da house!

TY… and Gretel.

GRETELCool new clothes. Thanks, Ty!

TYNo problem. They lived in the forest with their father, an ____________________ (decide on new career and wardrobe.) …

DAD enters.… and their wicked stepmother.

MOM (to TY)Excuse me.

TYYes?

MOMDo I have to be “wicked”?

TYWhat?

MOM

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Well, everybody else is getting a makeover, why can’t I? GRETEL

She’s right. Why does the stepmother have to be wicked?

WILHELMSo she can throw zee children out of zee house!

GRETELThat’s just so sexist. All of the villains in your stories are women.

TYShe does have a point, guys. There’s the evil queen in “Snow White,” the evil fairy in “Sleeping Beauty,” the wicked stepmother in Cinderella … The women in your stories tend to be on the mean side. It wouldn’t hurt to make the step Mom a little nicer.

MOM (to TY, excited)Oo! Oo! Can I be a soccer Mom and drive an SUV?

BROTHERSSoccer Mom??!!

TYOkay. Sure, why not? (resuming story): Hansel and Gretel lived with their father, and their wonderful, soccer step-mom, who drives an SUV.

GRETEL helps MOM pull off her “old” fairy tale garb revealing a modern outfit.

GRETELTa-da!

WILHELMThis is ridiculous!

JAKOBYa! Now there is no conflict!

TYConflict?

JAKOBSomeone has to get lost in the forest or there is no story to tell!

WILHELMExcept a nice, happy family sitting around the house. (Sarcastically) Great story.

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TY (to FAMILY)I’m afraid they have a point, there. Someone does need to get lost in the forest, or it’s going to be a pretty boring story. (Thinks) Hmmm. (An idea:) I got it! (To DAD:) Why don’t you get lost in the forest?

FAMILY (ad-lib)What?! Etc.

TYWell, someone’s gotta get lost. It’s you or your children. And I figure you go in the forest all the time since you’re a lumberjack. You’re used to it.

DAD (grabbing his coat, heads toward door)That’s true! I’ll know how to defend myself!

HANSEL, GRETEL, MOM (ad-libs)No! Don’t go, etc.

DAD (hugging them)Don’t worry everybody. I’ll be fine! Goodbye!

DAD exits.

TYThere! Now, we’re all set. (to BROTHERS) Happy?

WILHELMNo! A not-wicked step mother?

JAKOBAnd the father lost in the woods?!

WILHELMYou are completely ruining our fairy story!

TY (to audience & family)Okay, we’re going to have to get rid of these guys or they’re just going to keep getting in our way. (To the GRIMMS) And, as you know, we always like to send people away while we do our extreme makeover, so we are going to send you two to … DISNEY WORLD!

JAKOB (not liking the idea)Disney World?

WILHELM (loving the idea)

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Ya-hoo! I love Mickey Mouse!TY (pushing them offstage)

So, here are your airplane tickets and your tickets to Disney World –

JAKOBBut what about our story?!

TYWe’ll take good care of it!

WILHELMDisney World! Hooray!

TY pushes GRIMMS BROTHERS offstage. THEY are gone.

TYI thought they’d never leave! And now … on with our story!

TY moves off to the side, watching.

MOMHansel, Gretel!

H & GYes?

MOMYour loving stepmother is going to go out into the garden to pick some lettuce. I want to make a nutritious salad for dinner. You two stay inside and play, okay?

H & GYes, wonderful stepmother!

MOMI love you!

MOM blows kisses and exits.

HANSEL (to GRETEL)Okay. She’s gone now. You keep watch while I sneak out the back door.

GRETELSneak out?! Where are you going?!

HANSEL

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Hello?! Didn’t you hear? Our father is lost in the forest! I’m going to go and find him!GRETEL

Wait a minute, Hansel. If you go into that forest, you’re going to get lost, too!

HANSELWhat do you think I am, a baby?! I know my way around, yo.

GRETELBut –

HANSEL (grabbing his coat to exit)Don’t you worry about the How Wow. I’ll find Dad and be back before Mom even notices I’m gone. Catch you later, G-girl!

HANSEL runs out the door.

GRETELOh, dear, what am I going to do? (See TY) Hey, Mr. Bennington! I need your help!

TYSure. What can I do?

GRETELWell, Hansel just ran into the forest. He’s going to get into trouble, isn’t he?

TYHow should I know?

GRETELYou’ve got the story book! Look it up!

TYGood idea! (Skimming storybook:) “Hansel and Gretel … Hansel and Gretel … Gretel and Hansel -- ” Uh, oh!

GRETELWhat “uh, oh”? Does Hansel get in trouble?

TYUmmm … kinda-sorta.

GRETELHow?

TY

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I can’t say. It’ll ruin the story for (points to audience) them.GRETEL

Oh. (To audience) Sorry. (To TY:) Well, can’t you at least give me a hint?

TYWell, I suppose so.

GRETELWell? What happens? Is he in danger?

TYHe, uh … (looks at audience, not wanting to give it away) … uh … Oh! I know!

TY sets the book down and starts doing charades. HE makes the “movie” sign.NOTE: Once GRETEL catches on, this sequence happens very quickly!

GRETELWhat’s this? What are you doing?

TY switches to “song” sign.Oh, I get it! You’re playing “Charades”! (TY nods his head and points to his nose, “On the nose!”) You’re going to give me a clue by playing “Charades”!

TY nods ecstatically, then holds up four fingers.Four words.

TY nods and holds up 1 finger.First word.

TY runs and points in the direction HANSEL exited, does his “sign.”Hansel.

TY nods and points at his nose, then holds up 2 fingers.Second word.

TY puts his finger to his ear.Sounds like. Second word sounds like …

TY “beats” the air, punches …Hits … punches … strikes … pounds …

TY switches to holding a mixing bowl and “beating” some eggs.Whips … beats …

TY points to his nose!Second words sounds like “beats” … um, cleats, heats, cheats, sheets, meets

TY points to his nose!The second word is meets! “Hansel meets”!

TY holds up three fingers.Third word!

TY (two fingers close together)Little word. The Democratic Primary Election! Hansel is going to meet Barack Obama!!!

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TY does a take to audience, then shakes his head “no” and does “small word” sign again.

GRETEL (con’t)-- Little word … the, at, by, and, a –

TY nods franticallyThird word is “a” – “Hansel meets a -- ”

TY nods, holds up four fingers.Fourth word …

TY puts is finger to his ear.… sounds like …

TY begins to “itch” and scratch rapidly.Scratch … rub … itch.

TY nods frantically!Fourth word sounds like “itch.” (TY is going crazy, while GRETEL becomes slow and ponderous) “Hansel meets a itch.” Whatever could that be?

During the following, HE is holding his hands over his mouth trying not to say the answer.

Hitch! Pitch! Stitch! “Hansel meets Lilo and Stitch!” TY collapses.

Yeah! Hoo-hoo! I got it!

TY Do you really think Hansel would be in danger if he met Lilo and Stitch?

GRETELThat’s the wrong answer?

MOM (offstage)Hansel! Gretel!

GRETELIt’s Mom! I better go find Hansel before she realizes he’s missing!

SHE starts to run off. TY is thumbing through the BOOK.Ooo! I better take something to leave a trail so I don’t get lost.

SHE picks up a loaf of bread.Bread! I’ll leave breadcrumbs so I can find my way home!

TY (looking in book)Trust me. That’s not a good idea.

GRETELWhy not?

TYBirds will eat the bread crumbs and then you’ll get lost … duh!

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GRETEL (find it “Post It” notes)How about these “Post It” notes? (Picks up a marker) I can stick them all over the forest, and draw arrows on them pointing the way back home!

TYThat’s a great idea!

MOM (offstage)Gretel!? Hansel!!

GRETELI gotta go! See ya later!

GRETEL runs off with a marker.

TYHey, wait! I still didn’t tell you what Hansel meets in the forest! You’re in danger!

MOMGretel!? Hansel!! Now, where are those two? (TY acts nonchalant) Hey, Mr. Bennington.

TYYes?

MOMHave you seen my children?

TY Um, yeah. They, uh ... they went to buy you a Mother’s Day present!

MOMBut Mother’s Day was last weekend.

TY (sheepishly)They’re shopping early for next year?!

MOMOkay, what’s going on here?

TYAll right, I’ll tell you. You see, Hansel went out to find his father in the forest.

MOM

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What?! Oh, heavens! He’ll get lost! (Calling for her) Gretel, come quickly! Hansel’s gone! Gretel! Gretel!!

TY (tapping MOM on shoulder)Gretel’s not here.

MOMWhere is she?

TYShe’s gone off to find Hansel.

MOMWhat?! Do you mean to tell me that now my entire family is lost in the forest?!

TYUm. Yeh.

MOMI thought you were giving us a “happy” fairytale makeover?!

TYI am. You’re not “wicked” now and your kids like you!

MOMA lot of good that does me! They’re still lost in the woods! (Grabbing her coat) Oh, my darling babies! I have to go and find them! (to TY) Well, thanks for nothing!

TY (happily)You’re welcome!

MOM runs off. TY looks at the “Grimm’s Fairy Tale Book.”Uh-oh! I forgot to tell Gretel what Hansel is going to meet in the forest! (In his megaphone:) Ty Bennington to the rescue! (A trumpet fanfare:) Ta-ra-ta-ra-ta-ta!

TY runs off, taking FAIRY TALE BOOK as the lights FADE TO BLACK

SOUND – MUSICAL TRANSITION

After the scene shift, the LIGHTS come up on:

SCENE 2: THE BLACK FOREST, at dusk . The forest is covered with post-it notes and Gretel is seen putting one up.

GRETEL (placing post-it)

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There. Now I can’t get lost. All of these post-it notes have arrows pointing right back home. (looking around) All I have to do now is find Hansel … and Dad … and get the heck out of this creepy forest! (calling out: ) Hansel! Dad?! Hansel!

GRETEL runs off. After a moment, HANSEL enters.

HANSEL (scared)Hello? Is anybody there? (Beat) This is wack. I thought I heard someone calling my name. This forest is starting to play tricks on my mind, yo. (Beat, looks around.) They said there are a lot of creatures out here that eat little kids (to himself: ) Don’t think about it, Lil How Wow. Just find Dad and get the heck out of here!

HANSEL runs off. After a moment, MOM crosses.

MOMHansel! Gretel! Where are you?! Hansel! Gretel!

MOM runs off. After a moment, TY crosses.

TYGretel! Gretel, where are you?! I forgot to tell you something! Something important! Gretel!

TY does a leap and exits. The GRIMMS BROTHERS enter. JAKOB is scared. WILHELM is petrified!

WILHELMJakob?

JAKOBYes?

WILHELMAre you scared?

JAKOBN-n-no. (Beat) Wilhelm?

WILHELMJa?

JAKOBAre you scared?

WILHELM

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No, I’m not scared.There is a loud SOUND of a scary forest creature! WILHELM jumps

into JAKOB’s arms.

WILHELM (con’t)I’m terrified!

JAKOB drops WILHELM.Oh, why did I ever let you talk me into this frightening mess? We could be in Florida right now with the Mickey Mouse … but, noooo!

JAKOBAre you crazy? We can’t go to Disney World! We have to find some … (looking around) you-know-what for you-know-who.

WILHELMWhat’s “you-know-what”?

JAKOBWhat?

WILHELMWhat’s “you-know-what” we are having to find?

JAKOBYou-know-what.

WILHELMNo, I don’t.

JAKOBYes, you do.

WILHELMNo, I don’t.

JAKOBYes, you do. WE have to find children.

WILHELMFor “you-know-who”?

JAKOBYes.

WILHELM

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Who is “you-know-who?”

JAKOBYou-know-who.

WILHELMNo, I don’t.

JAKOBYes, you do.

WILHELMNo, I don’t.

JAKOBYes, you do. WE have to find children for the (whispering and looking around) witch.

WILHELMThe who?

JAKOB (a bit louder)The witch.

WILHELMThe who?

JAKOB (shouting)THE WITCH! THE WITCH! WE HAVE TO FIND CHILDREN FOR THE WITCH! (HE suddenly clamps his hands over his own mouth.) Now look what you made me say!

WILHELM (beat, scared, clutching JAKOB)Maybe she didn’t hear you.

JAKOBShe always hears everything … and then she appears!

WILHELM (Beat)Nope, the coast is clear. I don’t think the witch heard you.

Suddenly, all heck breaks loose. The SOUND of THUNDER, LIGHTNING flashes and the WITCH appears.

WITCHDid somebody mention my name?

BROTHERS

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N-n-n-no!WITCH

Why if it isn’t my favorite brothers … Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber! Do you two have something for me?

WILHELMLike what?

WITCHLike children, you dolt!

JAKOB (pulling WILHELM away from her)We haven’t found any children yet, your nastiness.

WILHELMThere aren’t many children in this part of the forest.

WITCHHave you two forgotten our deal?

BROTHERSNo, your crabbiness.

WITCHWell, maybe I better remind you. Once upon a time, in a forest just like this one, I captured two brothers. When I told the brothers I was about to eat them for supper, they cried and cried.

WILHELMThis story sounds very familiar.

WITCHAnd so the brothers begged and pleaded with the witch. They promised they’d do anything for her as long as she let them go free.

WILHELM (entranced by her story)Oo, oo, what did they promise?!

WITCHThe brothers – you brothers – promised me an exchange.

WILHELMAn exchange? What kind of exchange?

WITCH

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The brothers promised to exchange their lives for the lives of two children. Two plump and juicy children, if you get my drift.

WILHELM (beat)I don’t.

WITCHYou promised to find me two children to take your place.

WILHELMTake our place? Where?

WITCHOn my menu.

WILHELMOn your – ohhhh! Now I remember. We promised we would find you two children to eat!

WITCHYes!

WILHELMInstead of us!

WITCHYes!

WILHELMSo that you’d let us go free!

WITCHNow you’re talking!

WILHELM (beat)But we were just lying so that you’d let us go.

WITCHWhat?!!!

JAKOB Wilhelm!

WITCHWhat did you just say?!

JAKOB (clamping his hand over WILHELM’S mouth)He’s joking, your wretchedness.

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WILHELM (pulling hand off)No, I’m not!

JAKOB (clamping WILHELM’S mouth)Yes, he is!

WILHELM (unclamping)No, I’m not. (To witch :) You didn’t really think we’d bring you children to eat, did you?

WITCHOf course, I did. You promised.

WILHELMWe had our fingers crossed.

JAKOBNo, we didn’t!

WILHELMYes, we did. Remember, Jakob? You said to me, (imitating him: ) “Wilhelm. Don’t forget to cross your fingers when we promise the witch to bring her children. That way, it doesn’t count.”

WITCH (moving towards the brothers)Why, you conniving, cheating little –

WILHELM (pointing “at” witch)Duck!

JAKOB and WITCH duck down and cover their heads. Beat. A DUCK enters. (It is the DAD in disguise.)

WILHELM (going to pet him)Hi, Duck.

DUCK (DAD)Quack.

WILHELMHey, Duck. You look familiar.

DUCK (DAD)Quack.

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WILHELMQuack.

DUCKQuack.

JAKOB (rising, to WITCH)What’s with the duck?

WITCHOh, it’s just some guy I found wandering around in the forest. He made me mad so I turned him into a duck and made him my helper.

WILHELMHey, Jakob, watch this! (To DUCK: ) What do you call a doctor who isn’t very good?

DUCKQuack.

WILHELM (laughing hysterically)Get it? A doctor who isn’t any good is a quack!

JAKOB (to WITCH)Why did you turn him into a duck?

WITCH (making a joke)Because my platypus spell is a little rusty. (vaudeville drum lick: ) Ba-doom-boom-cha!

ALL three are now rolling with laughter.

WITCH (suddenly)Wait a minute! I’m mad at you!

JAKOBDarn. I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.

WITCH (approaching the brothers menacingly)You two have twenty-four hours!

JAKOBTwenty-four hours for what?

WITCHYou have twenty-four hours to bring me the two children you promised me!

25

WILHELMBut we had our fingers crossed!

WITCHOh, that’s right. Silly me. (To the DUCK: ) Hey, bird brain.

DUCKQuack.

WITCHGo and build me a fire. It looks like I’ll be having something Grimm for dinner!

BROTHERSNo!

WILHELM (kneeling in front of her)Please, your nastiness, give us one more chance!

WITCHYou had your chance and you blew it!

JAKOBGive us the twenty-four hours. We’ll bring you the children!

WITCHI’m not so sure!

JAKOBWe actually know two children.

WITCHYou do?

JAKOBYes, we just left their house! They’d be perfect for you to eat!

WITCHThey would?

JAKOBYes, they would. Tell her, Wilhelm.

WILHELM

26

Tell her what?

JAKOBTell her about Hansel & Gretel! Remember, those tasty little children we met today?

WILHELMOh, them! Well, I don’t know if they’re tasty, but (JAKOB nudges him) they sure look delicious.

LIGHTS – start a slow fade to NIGHT over the next two pages.

WITCHWhere are they?

JAKOBThey’re in a cabin at the edge of the forest!

WITCH (delighted)Mmm. So close, I can almost smell them. (Beat) Oh, all right. Do you promise to bring them to me?

JAKOBYes, of course!

WITCHDo you really promise this time?

JAKOBYes, we promise!

WILHELMHey, Jakob. Are we crossing our fingers this time?

JAKOB (mortified, looking at WITCH)Of course not! This is a real promise.

WITCHI don’t trust you! Put your hands out where I can see them.

The BROTHERS put their hands out in front of them.Now, do you promise to bring me this … Hansel and Gretel within twenty-four hours?

BROTHERSWe do.

WITCH

27

And if you don’t?

JAKOBAnd if we don’t what?

WITCHAnd if you don’t, you’ll take their place on my dinner table!

BROTHERS (reluctantly)And if we don’t, we’ll take their place on your dinner table.

WITCHOkay, now cross your heart and hope to die. (THEY do. Beat) Well, what are you waiting for? You got twenty-four hours until you’re dinner! (pointing at watch) Tick-tick-tick!

The WITCH laughs wickedly and exits. Beat.

DUCKQuack.

The DUCK exits following the WITCH.

JAKOB (sarcastically)This is just great.

WILHELMReally? I think it’s awful!

JAKOBI know that! Let’s go!

WILHELMWhere are we going?

JAKOBBack to Hansel and Gretel’s cabin! We only have twenty-four hours to lure them to the witch’s house … or else!

WILHELMOr else what?

JAKOBOr else it’s suppertime … and we’re the main course!

WILHELM

28

Well, that’s not very nice, giving these children to the witch!

JAKOBI know that, too! But what choice do we have?

GRETEL (off)Hansel! Hansel!

JAKOBDid you just hear what I heard?

GRETEL (off)Hansel!

JAKOBThat sounds like Gretel!

WILHELMJa. That’s what I was hear-ink, too.

JAKOB (pointing off)Look! It is Gretel! Oh, happy day!

WILHELMWhy?!

JAKOBShe came to us and we can give her to the witch for dinner.

WILHELMThat doesn’t sound very happy to me.

JAKOBNot for her, anyway.

GRETEL (off)Hansel!

JAKOBQuick! Hide!

The BROTHERS hide. The SOUND of SPOOKY MUSIC starts. GRETEL backs slowly on stage, scared. After a moment, HANSEL begins

backing on from the opposite direction. They get near each other, and then,

29

as they are back to back:

GRETELHansel?

HANSELGretel?

THEY both spin and see each other and scream.

H & GAhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

GRETEL (hugging him)Oh, Hansel! Is it really you?

HANSELIt’s me!

GRETELThank goodness! My mind was starting to play tricks on me out here in the dark.

HANSELYeah, this forest is scary at night, yo.

GRETEL (teasing)My big, strong brother? Scared?

HANSELWell … just a little. Hey, Gretel, have you seen Dad?

GRETELNo. Have you?

HANSELNo. He’s probably lost in the forest forever. Just like us.

THE BROTHERS peek out from their hiding place to overhear the following.

GRETELWe’re not lost!

HANSELWe’re not?

30

GRETELDo you see those post-it notes?

HANSELThe ones with the arrows on them?

GRETELYeah. I put them there. The arrows point the way back home!

HANSELYo, you’re a genius! You know, it’s times like these I’m glad I have a smart sister.

GRETELAw, Hansel. That’s sweet.

HANSEL (flashing his sign)Sweetness in ‘da house! Come on. Let’s go home.

GRETELYou know, I’m really tired. Could we maybe take a little nap first?

HANSELI thought you were scared in the forest.

GRETELI’m not anymore. Not when my brother’s with me. (SHE holds his hand.) Just a little nap?

HANSELOkay. (pointing off) How about over there, under that big tree?

GRETEL (yawning)Okay. (As they are walking off) I love you, Hansel.

HANSELI love you, too.

HANSEL and GRETEL exit, holding hands. BROTHERS come out.

JAKOBDid you hear that?

WILHELM (crying)Ja, it’s touching. (Hugging him) I love you, too, bro.

31

JAKOB (pulling away)Not that. I meant did you hear the part about the arrows?

WILHELMJa. They point the way back to Hansel & Gretel’s house.

JAKOB (taking a post-it note down)Not if we change them around, they don’t.

WILHELMI don’t understand.

JAKOBAll we have to do is change these arrows so they point towards the witch’s house.

WILHELM (not understanding)But then Hansel and Gretel will go to the witch’s house instead of home.

JAKOBExactly. (Pause. WILHELM is deadpan. To the audience: ) Wait for it. One, two, three: (He points at WILHELM)

WILHELM (when JAKOB points)Ohhhhh, now I get it. These little arrows will do our dirty work for us.

JAKOBExactly! When those two wake up, they’ll follow the arrows ---

WILHELM-- right to the witch!

JAKOB (pulling down an “arrow”)And they’ll be her dinner instead of us!

WILHELM (starts to move an “arrow,” but stops)I feel kind of bad about this.

JAKOBMe, too. But it’s either them or us. Now come on, before they wake up. Help me change these arrows!

As the BROTHERS start to move the arrows, THE LIGHTS fade to BLACK

MUSIC – “Happy Morning”

32

After the scene shift, the LIGHTS come up and music fades out. We are at:

SCENE 3: THE WITCH’S HOUSE . It is a bright and cheery morning. A few of Gretel’s post-it notes are seen leading right up to the witch’s house and

right in her front door.

HANSEL & GRETEL enter, following the arrows.

GRETELI’m telling you, Hansel. None of this looks familiar.

HANSELWell, we followed your arrows so it has to be the right way. It probably just looks different in the daylight.

GRETELNo, something is wrong. I can just feel –

BOTH stop suddenly upon seeing the house.Hansel, are you seeing what I’m seeing?

HANSELI think so … what are you seeing?

GRETELIt looks like a house made out of food.

HANSEL (closer to house now)It’s better than that! This is a house made out of JUNK food! The roof is made out of candy bars.

GRETELI know I didn’t pass that house on my way into the forest.

HANSELAnd the shutters are made out of __________________!

GRETELAnd there’s Ho-Ho’s and Doughnuts!

HANSELAnd there’s ______________ and _______________________.

GRETELThis tree … it grows Cool Ranch Doritos!

33

HANSEL (inspecting it)And this garden grows Oreo Cookies instead of flowers! (picking one to eat) Awesome!

GRETEL (grabbing his hand to stop him)Don’t eat them, Hansel!

HANSELWhy you always gotta be up in my grill, Gee?

GRETELThis food doesn’t belong to us, yo!

HANSEL (beginning to eat)Either I eat this house or die of starvation, a-ight?

GRETELBut it’s all sugar and carbs! Mom wouldn’t like us eating this before we’ve had our breakfast.

HANSELWell, Mom’s not here. And besides, we don’t have any breakfast!

GRETELOh, I have a funny feeling about this.

HANSEL (his mouth full)Yo, Gretel … this is SO GOOD!

GRETELOh, all right. Just one bite couldn’t hurt.

GRETEL picks a cookie and takes a bite. HANSEL chews noisily.

WITCH (Offstage)Nibble, Nibble like a Mouse.

GRETEL (stopping Hansel)Shhh! (Beat) Did you hear something?

HANSELYeah, it was my stomach growling!

GRETELOh.

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THEY go back to eating.

WITCH (off)Nibble, Nibble like a Mouse.

GRETELShhh!

WITCH (off)Who is nibbling at my house?

GRETELSomeone’s coming! Hide!

HANSEL and GRETEL hide and the WITCH enters. SHE is currently disguised (overdressed) in a house dress and little old lady wig.

WITCH“Nibble, Nibble, Like a Mouse. Who is nibbling at my house?” Hmmm … I don’t see anyone around!

GRETELLet’s get out of here!

HANSELWait! I’m still hungry.

GRETELBut she looks scary!

HANSELNo, she doesn’t. She’s just a sweet, little old lady …. Who likes to grow cookies!

WITCH (angrily)Someone has been eating my Oreos!

GRETEL (coming out behind her)Hello.

WITCH (screams)Ahhhh!

GRETEL (scared, screams with her)Ahhhhh!

35

WITCH (angry)What are you doing in my yard?!

GRETELI … I’m sorry! I ate one of your cookies.

WITCH (angry)Why, you little … (composing herself, “sweet,” moving towards her) … sweet, adorable girl! What are you doing here? (moving in to grab her) All alone, are you?

GRETELNo. (WITCH stops) My brother Hansel is here with me.

WITCH Hansel? Did you say Hansel?

GRETELYes. And I’m Gretel.

WITCH (to herself)Well, what do you know? It looks like the Dimm brothers came through on their promise.

GRETEL (calling)Hansel, come on out!

HANSEL (coming out, nodding)‘Sup? (What’s up?)

WITCH (smacking her lips hungrily) Well, hello little boy!

HANSELYour crib is da bomb, yo!

WITCH (ducking and covering her head)A bomb!?

GRETELThat means he likes your house.

WITCH (rising)Oh.

The WITCH measures HANSEL with tape measurer through the following.

GRETEL

36

I just wanted to say, we’re sorry we ate some of your cookies. We’ll pay you back after we find our Dad, okay?

WITCHFind your Dad?

GRETELHe’s lost in the forest. We went to look for him, and now, it seems we’re a little lost, too.

WITCHOhhhh, that’s too bad. Don’t you have a cell phone?

GRETEL (looking at cell phone)I do, but the reception out here is lousy. I’m getting zero bars.

WITCHOhhhh, that’s too bad. (to HANSEL: ) And me, without a land line.

GRETELYou don’t have a phone?

WITCHWho would I call? I don’t have any friends?

HANSELNo home boys?

WITCHNo.

GRETELNo boyfriend?

WITCH (sincerely)No. And I’ve tried to find one. Look. (SHE holds up a large book that says 101 WAYS TO MEET BOYS.)

GRETEL (reading book title)“101 Ways to Meet Boys.” And none of them worked?

WITCH (pulling out a hanky, sniffing)I wouldn’t know. There aren’t any boys to meet out here in the forest.

GRETELThat’s sad. You must get awful lonely out here.

37

WITCH (regaining her composure)Oh, don’t you worry about me. I’m going to be just fine. But you … you two must bestarving. (To HANSEL: ) You’re so skinny, those pants are falling right off of your body!

HANSELThat’s the style, yo?!

WITCH (hugging him to her bosom)It’s a good thing you ran into Grandma Goodbar. She’s going to fatten you up … (aside to audience) and COOK you for her dinner!

GRETELWhat did you just say?

WITCHNothing.

GRETEL (uncertain)Oh. (dragging HANSEL away) Come on, Hansel. We better get going.

HANSELBut, Gretel, I’m starving!

SOUND: “A GOOD HEARTY BREAKFAST” starts under

WITCHYeah, he’s starving.

GRETEL (to HANSEL, pulling him offstage)We’ll find Dad, find our way home, and then we can eat.

SOUND starts under for “GOOD HEARTY BREAKFAST”

The WITCH runs in front of them.

WITCHHey, kiddies … (pulls out two giant lollipops) … what’s the rush? (Sings)

HAVE A GOOD HEARTY BREAKFAST, A GOOD HEARTY BREAKFASTGRANDMA GOODBAR HAS A LITTLE TREAT.HAVE A GOOD HEARTY BREAKFAST AND ONE DAY YOU’LL BE …AS STRONG AS ______________ (need pop culture name, wrestler?)AND AS TOUGH AS _________________ (ditto)

HANSEL & GRETEL can’t resist and begin eating.

WITCH (con’t)

38

HAVE A BOX OF DUNKIN DONUTS, THEY’RE NUTRITIOUS AS CAN BETOP IT OFF WITH HERSHEY’S SYRUP, YOU NEED VITAMIN CHELP YOURSELF TO DING DONGS AND LITTLE DEBBIE CAKES.MIX THEM ALL TOGETHER, THAT’S ALL IT TAKES TO HAVE A …

ALL (H & G singing with mouths full)A GOOD HEARTY BREAKFASTA GOOD HEARTY BREAKFAST

WITCHDON’T BE SHY, NOW. EAT, EAT, EEEEEEEEEEAT!

H & GHAVE A GOOD HEART BREAKFAST AND ONE DAY WE’LL BE …

WITCH (aside)PLUMP AND JUICY AND FAT ENOUGH FOR ME!

HANSEL & GRETEL react to this quickly, but the WITCH smiles and brings them more food.

WITCHHAVE A HERSHEY’S KISSES OMELETAND TRY A DOVE BAR, TOO.

(force feeding HANSEL:)OPEN UP AND SWALLOW, NO NEED TO CHEW!HOW’S ABOUT A BROWNIE?WASH IT DOWN WITH CREAM!GRAMMA GOODBAR’S BREAKFAST IS EVERY CHILD’S DREAM!

HANSEL (food pouring out of his mouth)Thanks, Gramma Goodbar.

WITCHKeep eating, kid!

GRETELWe’ve never had a breakfast quite like this before.

HANSELI could really get used to this! (sings)

THIS IS REALLY QUITE TASTY!IT’S LIGHT AND NUTRITIOUS!

(handing candy bar to GRETEL mouth)TRY THESE, SIS, THEY’RE DELICIOUS!

39

GRETEL (spoken in rhythm)CHOCOLATE? FOR BREAKFAST? DO YOU REALLY THINK I SHOULD?

HANSEL (looking around)WHEN MOM’S NOT HERE TO STOP US, IT’S REALLY GOOD!

GRETEL (rising)Well, we really should be going now. We have to find our father. (sings)

THANK YOU FOR BREAKFAST

HANSELYES, THANK YOU FOR BREAKFAST!

WITCHDON’T LEAVE NOW, WE MIGHT TRY SOMETHING NEW.

coaxing them towards her door, HANSEL in the lead, enters the doorway, with GRETEL just outside:

COME MY LITTLE DARLINGS! COME TO THE TABLE!H & G are smiling, looking at each other, NOT THE WITCH, who is pulling

off her disguise:THE MAIN COURSE OF MY BREAKFAST WILL BE YOUUUUUUU!

SOUND – immediately after song out, THUNDER!LIGHTS – lighting

HANSEL & GRETEL now look at the WITCH, her true identity revealed.

GRETELHansel, it’s a witch! Run!

WITCHToo late!

The WITCH gestures and prison bars slammed closed on her door (SOUND EFFECT), trapping HANSEL inside. The WITCH laughs.

GRETEL (going to WITCH)You let him go!

WITCHMake me!

HANSELRun, Gretel! Save yourself.

40

GRETEL (to HANSEL)I just can’t leave you locked up in that house!

HANSEL (sadly flashing his “sign”)How Wow in ‘da house!

WITCHHow sweet! I think I may be sick.

GRETEL (to WITCH)So, I’d appreciate it if you’d just lock me up in there with my brother.

WITCHNo, way, girly-girl. You’ve got work to do!

GRETELWhat work?

WITCHYou’re going to be my slave girl. And you can start by gathering wood to make a fire.

GRETELA fire? For what?

WITCHSo I can cook your brother and eat him for dinner!

H & GEat him for dinner?!!

GRETELI thought that was what you said before.

WITCHCongratulations. You have twenty-twenty hearing!

GRETELBut … what about this book? (SHE holds up “101 Ways to Meet Boys” book) I thought you were just a sweet little old lady trying to meet the right guy?

WITCHOh, yeah … about that.

41

The WITCH pulls off a piece of tape that said the word “MEET” and underneath it is the word “EAT.”

GRETEL (reading)“One Hundred and One Ways to Eat Boys”?!!

HANSELGretel, help me! I’m too young to die!

WITCHAnd too skinny, too! (taking him some food) Here, eat this.

TY runs on, out of breath, seeing GRETEL but not seeing the WITCH.

TYGretel! There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! (waving the “Grimm’s” book) You left before I could tell you what happens in the story. Hansel is going to meet a –

WITCH (tapping TY on the shoulder, ala Barbra Streisand)Hello, gorgeous!

TYWitch! Ahhhh!

HIS SCREAM makes everyone else scream. TY runs to hug GRETEL

ALLAhhhhhhhh!

TY (to GRETEL)What is going on here?

HANSELThis witch lured us into a trap with her house made of junk food.

GRETEL (to TY, pointing at the “Grimm’s” book)Didn’t you see this coming? I thought you read the fairy tale.

TYWhat with all the makeovers, I only had time to read the (pulls out “Cliff Notes” on “Hansel & Gretel”) Cliff notes. Wait a minute. (to WITCH) You look familiar. (picking up her “old lady” disguise from the ground) Aren’t you the sweet little old lady who had the gingerbread house and asked me to make it over out of junk food?

42

WITCHNobody eats gingerbread anymore.

TYAnd is this why you did it? To lure children here so you could eat them?

WITCH (coyly)Guilty as charged!

GRETELQuick, Ty! Makeover the fairy tale!

TY That’s a great idea! (opening “Fairy Tale” book) Why didn’t I think of it?

WITCH (snatching the book)Not so fast, Mr. Megaphone. You’ve done quite enough making over and now it’s my turn. (Looking in book) But what kind of makeover to give you … hmmm. Aha! Here’s a Grimm’s fairy tale that gives me an idea! “The Frog Prince”!

GRETEL (to TY)What is she going to do?

The WITCH sets the book down on the table (it’s needed later) and goes into “spell mode” – waving her arms, etc. SOUND of spooky music starts,

LIGHTING effects, etc, scaring TY & GRETEL to hide behind the table. It gets dark (especially by table to help hide TY, who is quick changing to “Frog

Prince.”)

WITCH (conjuring mysteriously)Man of the tool belt, handsome and strong,You’ve been a man for far too long!You’re in my way when I’ve work to do!My makeover takeover’ll take care of you!Come lipstick, Come rouge, disgusting and green,My home beauty makeover’s nasty and mean!With a perm and some highlights and a nice henna rinse!You’ll be quite a Frog, but never a Prince!

There is a flash of lightening. Then everything is quiet and normal.

GRETEL

43

Well, thank goodness that’s over, right, Ty? (Beat) Ty?

TY pops up from behind the table. HE has a green curly wig, green beady eyes, green lipstick and rouge and a tiara. HE is a female frog.

TYRibbit.

H & GAhhhhhhhh!

TY (clamping a hand over Gretel’s mouth)Hey, knock that off. What’s all the commotion?

GRETEL lifts a mirror up from the table and holds it up so TY sees himself.

TYAhhhhhhhhhh!

GRETEL (clamps hand over TY’s mouth)Stop that!

TYBut I’m a frog prince!

WITCHCorrection: Frog Princess.

TY (screams high pitched like a girl)Ahhhhhhhhhh!

GRETEL clamps her hand over TY’s mouth, and he licks it.

GRETELYou licked my hand! Gross!

TY is becoming more “froglike,” darting his tongue in and out of his mouth, etc. HE hops over to HANSEL and we see that he has green webbed feet

(painted swim fins.) (Note: Throughout the following, though TY has girly hair and makeup, it is probably funnier to keep him acting masculine.)

GRETEL(to WITCH:)You change him back right this minute!

WITCH

44

What’s the magic word?

GRETELPlease.

WITCHUn-uh.

GRETELBut I said “please.”

WITCHSo?

TY (to HANSEL)Dude. Do you have any flies?

HANSELWhat for?

TYI’m hungry.

HANSELThat’s wack, man!

TY (seeing a fly)Ooo, there goes one! Come here, fly!

TY, hopping on all fours now, tries to catch flies with his tongue as he hops over by the WITCH.

HANSELGretel, do something. He’s getting more froggy by the minute!

GRETEL (running to WITCH)Please, change him back! I’ll do anything you want!

WITCH“Anything”?

GRETELYes, anything!

WITCH

45

Okay. (maliciously:) Build me a fire.

GRETEL (looking at HANSEL, knowing what she means)A fire?

WITCHYes, a fire.

GRETEL (beat)Oh … all right.

HANSELGretel, no! She’s going to cook me!

GRETEL (aside to HANSEL, as WITCH is distracted by “frog”)I have to build the fire so she’ll change Ty back. We need him to makeover the fairy tale and save us from the witch!

WITCHStep away from my dinner, girly, and let’s get that fire going.

GRETELChange Ty back first.

WITCHNo way, Jose. You build the fire first, and then I’ll undo my spell.

GRETEL (grudgingly)Okay. Lead the way.

WITCH (to HANSEL)We’ll be right back. Don’t go any where!

GRETELHow did you ever get to be so mean?

WITCHLots and lots of practice! (sinister laugh:) Ah-ha-haaaaaaaaaa!

The WITCH exits, dragging GRETEL with her. There is a moment of silence as HANSEL watches TY. TY is jumping high, trying to catch a fly.

HANSELPsst. Ty. (No response.) TY! (No response) Hey, Froggy!

TY

46

Yes?!

HANSELHow’s about you hop on over here and bust me out of prison?

TY (dumbly)Okay.

As TY tries prying and chewing on the bars, JAKOB and WILHELM enter.

HANSELLook! It’s the Grimms Brothers!

JAKOBJust what do you think you’re doing?

TYI’m helping Hansel break out of the slammer.

WILHELM (to TY)What happened to you?

TYRibbit.

WILHELMOh, that’s very sad!

HANSELNever mind that! Can you help us?

WILHELMOoooo, no! The witch wouldn’t like that!

JAKOB (slapping HANSEL’S hands away from bars)Ja! You stay in there or you’re going to get us all in trouble!

HANSELPlease! The witch will be back any second!

JAKOB (scared)She will? (walking away:) We have to be going.

WILHELM (waving, walking away)

47

Auf wiedersehen!

HANSELCome back here and help us!

JAKOBNo, thank you.

WILHELMNein, danke! (“No, thank you.”)

JAKOBBesides, there’s nothing you can do.

WILHELMYou’ll never break through those bars.

JAKOB (aside to WILHELM)We’ve kept our promise to the witch –

WILHELM (aside to JAKOB, waving the tickets)And now we’re off to Disney World --

JAKOB (to ALL, waving goodbye)That’s the end of our fairy tale!

WILHELM (to ALL, waving goodbye)Happily ever after!

JAKOB and WILHELM are almost offstage.

HANSELCome back here!

JAKOB (stopping, annoyed, to HANSEL)What is it now?

HANSELSomething you said just gave me an idea.

WILHELM (plugging his ears)Don’t listen to him, Jakob.

HANSEL

48

It’ll only take a minute! Please!

JAKOB (returning, pulling WILHELM with him)Okay. You have sixty-seconds. Go!

HANSELYou just said this is your fairy tale, right?

JAKOBIt’s ours, ja!

WILHELMCopyright 1836.

HANSELSo you can change what happens! Quick, Ty! Grab the book and a pen!

TY retrieves the “Grimm’s Fairy Tale” book and a pen.

WILHELMI don’t understand.

HANSELTake the book and write a different ending!

WILHELMWill that work?

HANSELIt’s worth a try. Make it over! Give us all a “happily ever after!”

JAKOB (gesturing to TY)Why don’t you have Mr. Extreme Makeover smarty-pants here do it.?

HANSELHe’s a frog princess! He can’t makeover anything!

JAKOBA frog princess? But we wrote about a Frog Prince!

HANSELThe witch changed it!

WILHELM

49

Why can’t people just leave our fairy tales alone?

JAKOBShe changed our story? That’s the last straw! Give me that book! (TY hands him the book and the pen.) Now, where are we? A-ha! (Reading) “Hansel was trapped in the witch’s house … (writing this) when suddenly the bars flew open!”

SOUND EFFECT and the bars to the house open.HANSEL (stepping out)

It’s working! Quick! Write some more!

JAKOB (to HANSEL)What should we write?

HANSELI don’t know! (Beat) I got it! Have my Mom and Dad find us! They’ll know what to do!

WILHELM (dictating to JAKOB, who writes it in the book)“And then, Hansel and Gretel’s father and step mother found the witch’s house!”

The MOM (carrying her bag for later) and DAD (still dressed as theDUCK) run on from opposite *The next twelve names/words are spoken in tempo/rhythm.

MOMHansel!

HANSELMom!

MOM (seeing DUCK)George?

DAD (DUCK)Quack.

GRETEL enters with firewood.

MOMGretel!

GRETEL (running to her)Mom! (seeing TY) Ty?

TYRibbit.

50

The WITCH enters (from where Gretel entered).

GRETELHansel!

HANSELGretel!

WILHELMThe witch!

DAD (DUCK)Quack!

WITCHWhat is going on here?!

ALL (nonchalantly)Nothing.

WITCH (approaching the GRIMM BROTHERS)What are you two doing with that book?! Are you changing my fairy tale?

As the WITCH goes for the book, JAKOB tosses it over her head to WILHELM.

JAKOBRun for it!

HANSELDon’t let her get that book!

SOUND – Chase music. A chase ensues through the audience with everyone trying to keep the book away from the WITCH. (NOTE: TY and DAD

have to sneak off so they can change back into their human selves.) HANSEL and the GRIMM’S BROTHERS make it back on stage first, setting up to “rewrite” the story. The WITCH is trying to get at them, but GRETEL and MOM block her with Karate moves.

HANSELQuick! Write a new ending for the story!

WILHELMBut I don’t know what to write!

WITCH (to BROTHERS)

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Don’t you dare makeover that story!!

ALL (talking at once):

HANSEL/JAKOB (to WILHELM) WILHELM (to JAKOB) MOM:Write something, quick! You’re making me nervous! Stay back, witch, etc.

GRETELEverybody BE QUIET! (ALL are silent. Beat.) That’s better. Now, this “makeover” business has given me an idea for a happy ending.

WITCHI don’t like happy endings!

GRETELYou’ll like this one, trust me. Mom, grab your bag. We’ve got work to do!

WITCHBut –

GRETELDo you want a happy ending or don’t you?

WITCHWell ….

GRETEL (grabbing WITCH by the hand)Follow me!

MOM pulls the WITCH offstage and GRETEL follows.

HANSELHey, where did Ty and my Dad go?

JAKOBThe frog and the duck are probably off at a pond some where –

WILHELM-- chasing flies and and having a schwim.

HANSEL (pointing at the book)Well, break their spells!

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JAKOB (dictating to WILHELM)Good idea! “Suddenly …

THE lights begin to flicker. SOUND effects.the witch’s spells over The Frog Princess and Hansel’s father were broken!”

DAD and TY spin onto the stage. The spell ending, they are back to their normal selves and the SOUND goes out and LIGHTS return to normal.

TYWhat happened?

DADQuack.

HANSEL (as ALL run to DAD)Uh-oh! Something didn’t work!

DADThat witch is a quack. She turned me into a duck!

HANSEL (as ALL sigh with relief)You’re okay!

DAD (to HANSEL)Where’s your mother?

MOM and GRETEL enter.

MOM (running to hug DAD)George! You’re back!

HANSEL (to GRETEL)Where’s the witch?

GRETELWell, you remember how the witch said she didn’t have any friends?

HANSELYeah.

GRETELI thought maybe Mom and I could help her out with that.

MOMSo we did a little “making over” of our own.

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GRETELBrace yourselves, boys …

MOMAnd allow us to introduce the new (calling out: ) MISS GOODBAR!

The WITCH enters. She has had a “makeover” and now wears a fancy new dress, bright red lipstick and makeup, and a new hairstyle. She looks

ridiculously glamorous.

WITCH (to herself in her hand mirror, ala Barbra Streisand)Hello, gorgeous!

JAKOBGott in Himmel!

WILHELMShe is ravishing!

The GRIMM BROTHERS fall to their knees at either side of the WITCH, kissing her hands and trying to push each other away.

JAKOBShe’s mine!

WILHELMNo, I saw her first!

WITCH (to GRETEL and MOM)Oh, ladies, I’m so happy! I don’t know how I can ever repay you!

GRETELYou can start by promising that you won’t eat any more children!

WITCHI promise!

MOM (to WITCH)I’ll give you some healthy, vegetarian recipes!

WITCHThanks.

GRETEL (holding out her hand)Friends?

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WITCH (shaking it)Forever!

TY (to audience)Well, I think that about raps up our fairy tale makeover!

JAKOBAnd don’t miss our tale of “Sleeping Beauty” –

WILHELM-- appearing here at Timber Lake Playhouse this summer!

TYAnd we’re doing “Treasure Island,” too!

WILHELMWho cares?

JAKOBWe didn’t write that one.

GRETEL (handing JAKOB the “Fairy Tale” book)Oh, boys. Aren’t you forgetting something?

JAKOBWhat?

HANSEL (handing WILHELM the pen)The end of our story, yo!

WILHELMAch! It almost schlipped our minds! Would you like to write it, Jakob?

JAKOBYou do the honors, Wilhelm.

WILHELM (writing, as JAKOB holds the book)“And they all lived -- ”

ALL (striking a tableau pose)“—Happily Ever After!”

THE MUSIC SWELLS. There is a flash of bright light, capturing the moment, and the LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.

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AFTER A MOMENT, THE LIGHTS COME UP FOR BOWS.THE CAST EXITS THE HOUSE.HOUSE LIGHTS UP AND EXIT MUSIC.

PRODUCTION NOTES

SET:

The Wood Home: The “modern” house that TY conjures up needs to be a surprise, and should start out feeling like the rustic cabin from the original tale. This can be done by designing the “modern” house first, then creating rustic pieces to cover it for the first 10 pages of the show. For example, a modern refrigerator or TV might be painted on the wall, but covered with an old tapestry or curtains that can be pulled away to reveal the “modern” house as TY rewrites the story. Likewise, the kitchen table can be covered with an old, dingy table cloth that is pulled away to reveal the new, brighter table and/or table cloth.

What is most important is that the opening CAB IN be very gloomy and dull, and the “MODERN” house be very bright and cheerful. Kids need to be able to SEE the difference in the “makeover.”

CostumesTY wears long sleeve t-shirt under bright colored polo; bead necklace (a little longer than a choker), jeans, tennis shoes or work boots.

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