# 5 the leader’s job: understanding the...

Leadership and InfluenceAmerican College of Physician Executives

Kevin E. O’Connor, CSP

Kevin E. O’Connor & Associates Ltd., 847-208-8840 (US) [email protected]

Welcome to this workshop on your leadership.

This guide will cover the main topics for today and beyond. You will find major topics, resources, and ideas to use tomorrow and in the future.

We have found your note taking will be more useful if you take notes on what you need to and will do, not on what I put on PowerPoint. For that reason, upon request, I will furnish you with the complete PowerPoint slide deck after today’s program if that is useful for you. Simply give me your email address, and I will send it to you by week’s end.

Today, I’d like you to allow yourself to think rather than transcribe. In effect, this paper and your notes will quickly go into storage—filed forever. But if you take only a few notes that focus mainly on what you will do, I think you will be pleased with the results from our time together.


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Today’s Topics

#1 The Leader’s Edge: Influence

Building Influence in Your Scope of Leadership and BeyondUnderstanding Value from the Receiver’s PerspectiveDeveloping a Practice of Knowing the Product of the Product

#2 The Leader’s Way: Through and With Others

The Nature of Change for Individuals, Teams, and for OrganizationsFinding Access within your OrganizationThe Nature of Connection and Inclusion for Teams

#3 The Leader’s Task: Eliciting From

Questioning Techniques and TacticsCooperation and its Impact on Team EfficiencyMeeting Strategies for Creativity and Movement

#4 The Leader’s Skill: Staying Focused With Differences

Dealing Effectively with Difficult Personalities and StylesInevitable Conflict and Your Role as LeaderThe Skillful Business Relationship

# 5 The Leader’s Job: Understanding the Customer

Customer Awareness Differentiated from Customer Preference and Customer InsistenceLanguage and its Role in Your LeadershipPlanning for the Future


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The Leadership Mission

Our goal today is to give you a language and a mindset to help you lead more effectively tomorrow and beyond.

Many leaders confuse busy with productive, change with improvement, and telling with influence.

Today, consider what you can do differently by thinking and approaching everything with a different perspective.

The leader’s job is to think-view-rethink-review-envision …and then find the right people for the job.

The next few pages are resources for this work.


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#1 The Leader’s Edge: Influence

Building Influence in Your Scope of Leadership and BeyondUnderstanding Value from the Receiver’s PerspectiveDeveloping a Practice of Knowing the Product of the Product

Leaders Lead. Leaders are not content to stand still. They act. They are more captured by the words of others than by their own. Leaders know how to listen.

Why are some of us successful and some not? It is not luck, outside wealth, accomplishments or talent; it is simply that leaders take what they been given and make it better. Leaders are those rare people who understand that what’s inside us makes us strong.

Although being good at what you do may help you to be promoted to a position of leadership, it is not a requirement for leadership. What is necessary is the ability to communicate your ideas and link them to people and their eventual behavior.

Leaders do what is necessary to move forward, one step at a time, with others.

Who are your favorite leaders…the ones you respect? What effect have they had on you…what did you do differently because of

them? What did they do to have that effect…what did they do differently than other

leaders you have had?

Remember these leadership qualities as you make decisions and lead your organization.

The best leaders empower. The best leaders know when to wait and say nothing. The best leaders make others, whoever they are, the most important

priority. The best leaders know where they need to be. The best leaders focus. The best leaders thoughtfully plan their work before all else with the end

in mind. The best leaders are sometimes servant leaders. The best leaders know it is difficult for people to change, and provide the

time and training to do so.


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Leaders Influence. Leaders take action on what others are unwilling or fearful of considering. This action is called animation. Like a cartoon animator, a leader links distinct images or actions that when joined together create the flow of movement.

Leaders can choose to foster flow of movement either through encouragement or fear. Through your influence, you can inspire trust or resentment. Whichever way you choose, you influence by how you choose to view those who work with and for you.

Effective leaders know that influence has everything to do with respect. People are sensitive to feeling respected. Being able to treat everyone with respect and to influence those both above and below you is a critical leadership skill.

Who respects you at work? How do they show it? What exactly are they doing that shows you they respect your advice? Do they still respect you in spite of what you say?

Influential leaders have a base of knowledge and the ability to transmit that knowledge to others. When you are able to link ideas to people and their subsequent behavior, you reach the ultimate objective in empowering leadership.

Understand that the simple gestures we associate with relationships can be as vitally important as “the big meeting” or “the almighty agenda” or “my time.” When you win cooperation you tap into real motivation that lasts. People function best when viewed as capable partners who want to do what needs to be done, not when they are told what must be done.

Three Hallmarks of Influential Leadership: Empathy, Trust, and Communication.

Empathy is a meeting based on understanding of the other. Trust can only be established with time and respect through communication. Communication is critical to the type and quality of people’s motivation, productivity,

and the overall bottom line…communication that leads to something more important—connection.

Office Politics: A Buzz for Success.

Leaders use their influence to utilize the energy of others. They think of influence as a way we interact with one another. They recognize the situations, political and personal, in which others are involved. They increase listening on all levels. They provide a forum for


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positive group input and discussion. They partner individuals and groups together on projects in order to break down stereotypes. Leaders understand that politics, personal and organizational, are a normal aspect of group dynamics, and they use that dynamic to overcome obstacles and achieve success.

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” Mary Pettibone Poole, writer.

Leadership Line

Analyze your influence. Do you strive to move others and keep them “on track” rather than make them do only what you want? Are you aware and open to everyone,

regardless of their status, that you come into contact with every day? Can you notice and remember small details? Do you pay attention to context? Do you hurdle your greatest obstacles at the beginning of each day? Do you go to the source whenever possible? Do you make promises or fulfill them? How do you create momentum? Do you understand

how the quality of your relationships affects the level of your own influence?

Leaders Communicate and Present With Influence. You must intend to make a positive impression every time, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant the venue. Think of the minutes in a presentation as crucial moments when other people capture who you are, what you know, and what you can offer.

You will be visible when you are aware of what people see from you, what they hear from you, and how they feel when they share their professional time with you. Real success in communicating is measured by the effectiveness of your connection with your listeners.

Know your audience – whether it is two hundred sales reps in a ballroom … or six project managers around a conference table.

Are you diligent and proactive when someone asks you to make a “few brief remarks” about the latest add-ons to a business plan?

What do you like the most – Your Content, Yourself or Your Listeners? Are you able to communicate and reconcile the big picture – yours and theirs?


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“The greatest problem in communication is the assumption that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw, playwright.

Influence Requires Empathy

When we wish to influence, we need to know others in a special and unique way. Empathy requires accurate listening, but it also requires an ability to communicate your understanding.

Summarize what you think you heard and ask if you have accurately understood. This shows the participant and the rest of your audience that you take the feedback seriously and that you are open to their viewpoint.

Influence Means Action

You must take action on what others are unwilling or too fearful to consider at any given time. Influence is about having a vision and a plan that is so elegantly simple that others will have a “why didn’t I think of that?” experience.

In presentations, that can simply mean helping your listeners figure out how they feel about a new idea or perspective. Take a poll. Share visions. Brainstorm solutions.

Afterwards, pay attention to their verbal and nonverbal feedback. See where there is room for improvement, where there is an opportunity to smooth out sections or make areas more clear.

Influence Through Simplicity

Everyone always has at least two major concerns as they enter meetings or presentations: “What is this about and what does it have to do with me?” Answer those questions, and you will increase your influence.

Steer clear of surprises. Use less jargon. Don’t create confusion by using less than clear language. Avoid acronyms. State the words until you know your audience understands

what the acronym letters stand for. Use smart analogies that make sense, not worn out clichés that no longer

connect with the listener.

Finish Strong


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When you conclude a presentation, you need to reach inside other people and encourage them to be innovative and to try new things: “what would happen if we did this?” Always remain open enough to change your mind to welcome new ideas.

Polish Your Communication Skills

Influencing people means recognizing, appreciating, and utilizing people’s best qualities. Have you presented the day’s agenda so clearly that even a non-specialist could follow?

Were you concise, to the point, and aimed for action? Did you ask, listen, and act on information?

Leaders Develop the Skills of a Master Teacher.

The best way to learn anything is to teach it. Reading, researching, and even knowing are very different than communicating for understanding. See yourself as a master teacher with every presentation you give and information-based conversations with clients or colleagues.

Don’t lecture; become a master at explaining. Expert doesn’t mean “easy to understand.” A master teacher focuses on his or her listener.

Too often we think of ourselves as experts. We are experts, of course, but we should not believe our own advertising. That wrong-headed approach often befalls other experts; it’s an attitude that says, “People should come to me.” We then rely on lecture as the only means of communicating.

In the scientific community, for example, this is widespread, accepted, and unfortunate. Often, we have heard scientists come out of a meeting lauding the expert for her knowledge, but shaking their heads out of boredom or frustration. Experts tend to rely on superior knowledge. Many experts are teachers with superior knowledge. They just aren’t master teachers.

Sometimes we see ourselves as celebrities. We may be famous in our own right or in this local community or with this audience. There is certainly nothing wrong with enjoying our fifteen minutes of fame. But banish that attitude as soon as you open your mouth to


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speak. Celebrities speak adoringly of themselves. Famous master teachers are concerned with the listener.

Other times we feel “less than” other people, like we are the one who needs to learn more. But what if you remind yourself to focus? What if you remember to teach them the very information they wanted from you? What if you knew and shared with them the essence of what they most needed to know? Then you have conquered your fears and accomplished your mission – to share information with your listeners in an intelligent and also accessible way. “Regret and fear are the twin thieves that rob us of today,” a wise person once said. Don’t be motivated by either.

Leaders Utilize Internal Consulting. The Wall Street Journal recently featured an article on consulting, its key players and speculation on the industry’s future. I was struck by how often we look outside of our organizations in order to solve an intrinsic problem. Instead, try some of these strategies to better utilize your internal resources.

1. Listen, speak and act in ways that position you as an inside expert who listens with an outside expert’s ear and eye to the marketplace. One of the things that make a consultant worth their weight in gold (or platinum) is their ability to detach from the details long enough to see the bigger picture. When a consultant does their job well, insiders often have one of two reactions. The first is the familiar, “Why didn’t I think of that?” The second reaction is a more tentative, “Really? I never would have thought . . . but it does make sense.”

Solution finding is helpful to organizations because it comes from a “close-distance” unencumbered by prejudice, bias or one-way thinking that can characterize any of us (even consultants) when we become too closely involved or driven by the facts of the case. Consultants listen and look from a neutral vantage point that allows them to move in close. The next time you are in a position to observe and study your organization or team, ask the questions that no one else does:

What if that is not the case? What might happen if our assumptions are wrong or a little “off”? What is our real goal here? What are the assumptions about the marketplace that our competition has

made?

2. Invite others to be involved early and often. An airline pilot was discussing the merits of some newly introduced regional jets. “Marketing and sales departments developed and designed those jets,” he said with more than a bit of dismay in his voice. “If only they had thought to ask the pilots for their input early on, they could have caught a lot of the little problems before they became bigger ones.” Then he added with a smile, “But I guess they


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know what would happen if they let us get involved. We just don’t always think the same way as they do!”

Whether others think like you or not, ask for their input before, during and after the process. If you are leading a task group, purposely appoint some of your most vocal or most likely critics to the group. Involvement creates partners, not critics.

3. Exemplify how to recognize, enjoy and solve problems. Be aware of your modeling when it comes to problem solving—others watch you and take their cues from your actions. How you speak, approach difficulty, seek and listen to input, and talk about customers, colleagues, the people in the plant, and the trends of the marketplace will attract the attention of others.

One executive tries to heighten his committee’s concern about the problem because he wants them to be very personally motivated when they attempt to solve it. Increased involvement makes it a collective obstacle; he wants them to solve “their” problem. Chicago psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs taught that, “The only way to teach responsibility is to give it.” Give the responsibility at a time when the person or group is “slightly not yet ready” for it so they have to come to grips with the fact: “It’s up to me/us to make this work!” 4. Help courageous commitments to be made as conservatively as is needed. Courage is a series of small steps taken in the right direction at the right time regardless of the “prevailing wisdom” of those who remain at a standstill. It can be large, risky moves, but not always. In fact, too many large steps will not energize a group. Eventually they will perceive that they are near the edge of error and withdraw. Conversely, when you see the group making positive steps forward, acknowledge them as courageous. Ask in an upbeat, yet curious fashion how the group decided to think this way or that way, or proceed in this or that direction. This query will help the group develop a consciousness about their decisions and serve as a reward for progress. Reward your small risk takers.

5. Seek patterns, accomplishments and challenges. Leadership can be an extremely draining effort unless you reflect upon and remind yourself of what you are doing correctly, what is going well, and what ground you’ve already covered. In fact, regular review is a great way to chart your progress as long as you keep it “accomplishment focused,” centering on what happened well and which actions contributed to that success. Your past accomplishments (even the almost unnoticeable ones) hold the key to your forward movement, not your past mistakes. More importantly, summarizing the parts of the whole in your own success plan increases the likelihood that you will also do the same for the group. 6. Diminish disputes by teaching how to negotiate fairly. Psychologist Frank Walton advises that the one who can say “no” in any negotiation has all the power. “If I want you to


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say ‘yes,’” Walton suggests, “and you have the power to say ‘no,’ you can defeat me at every turn.” We have heard for years that negotiations should be win-win. However, that is often easier said than done. The great negotiators know the value of tenacity, moving ahead one step at a time, and remaining cooperative with the other side (which is not the same as constantly agreeing with them.

Great negotiators always give the impression that any obstacle can be collectively overcome. However, when the other side pushes too hard, these negotiators stay cool, yet stand their ground with such responses as, “well that’s an idea. What other ideas can we come up with?” or the ever popular, “I guess we can’t do this today, but I’m sure we’ll work something out eventually.”

Sometimes a more powerful message can be given non-verbally with a smile, a pause, or a move to another topic, a future meeting, etc. When you are on the inside negotiating with your peers, teach them to be fair, level-headed and personally interested by emulating someone you would like to negotiate with. Be certain to always emanate a win-win message, even if you have to say “no” or better “not yet” once in a while. Become a role model for the behavior you seek in others.

WHEN THE TEAM SEEMS TO BE GOING NOWHERE . . .

1. Listen a bit longer than you think might be necessary.

2. Interrupt and make a metaphorical observation (i.e., brick wall, boat without oars in the middle of the ocean, etc.) As you do this, watch for signs of agreement like head nods or smiles.

3. Invite a response from the group as a whole or suggest a response by forming discussion groups.

4. Use a flip chart to record responses, or use individual 4 x 6 index cards attached to the wall.

5. Determine as a group the small steps required to proceed to the next level in the process.

7. Build collaboration by aligning goals. When beginning the solution process, take time to align your goals and establish respect, through discussion, agreement on basic procedures, consensus of approach, a sense of what the finished product would look like, and a vision of the goal. Establish these goals before you proceed to avoid many “I told you so’s” later on.


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When employees of all levels feel respected and taken seriously, contribution happens, as does a kind of productive contentment. “Most union drives are about fairness and dignity, not about the particulars of compensation and benefits per se,” writes Susan Schurman of the George Meany Center for Labor Studies. There are few problems that can’t be solved inside of your organization by its members. You’ll achieve a more complete result when you use a more diverse and multi-layered group of people working on the problem. Start everyone on the same path by establishing your goals together.

8. Build consensus by noting small moves toward similar goals. Align goals at the start and refer to them often by noting the each step that brings you closer to them, even in seemingly insignificant ways. For instance, if teamwork is essential, compliment the unique contributions of individuals intermittently or, if the finances require more attention from everyone, speak about product shipped, time invested and happy customers. “People work for money, but they work even more for meaning in their lives,” says Stanford professor Jeffrey Pfeffer. “In fact, they work to have fun. Companies that ignore this fact are essentially bribing their employees and will pay the price in a lack of loyalty and commitment.” Augment your team’s enjoyment of the task at hand daily.

9. Encourage communication and feedback systems within the team. “Where would you consultant-types be without stickers, poster paper and tape?” It was more of an exclamation than a question from one of the participants at a meeting I recently facilitated. We’d spent time brainstorming, discussing, and were in the process of reaching a consensus through everyone’s active involvement. She added, “I like this a lot more than just discussing!”

Outside consultants spend a lot of time listening, encouraging others to talk, and looking for ways to receive input from all sectors organization. “A persuader should make a concerted effort to meet one-on-one with all the key people he or she plans to persuade,” writes author and USC professor Jay A. Conger. This effort is made for the benefit of the group as well as the consultant, as it is a surefire way to become quickly acquainted with a group. Thoughts and ideas tend to take on a different meaning when they are actually voiced. In an interview—we have to think and respond in ways we weren’t sure we knew.

Similarly, when we are in a group that is actively collaborating on a project, we form a group of empowered individuals much more talented than its individual parts. Professor Conger quotes one of his most effective executives who participated in his research, “The most valuable lesson I’ve learned about persuasion over the years is that there’s just as much strategy in how you present your position as in the position itself. In fact, I’d say the strategy of presentation is the more critical.” Discover new, fun and useful ways to do more than just discuss.


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10. Assess and proceed in a positive manner. “Another idea that just came to me…” or “Let’s look at this from a little different perspective…” are all ways to help teams and individuals transition to and focus on the next step in the process. Additionally, confirming what has already happened is a subtle and powerful way of getting more from a team. A simple, “may I tell you what I’ve noticed today?” combined with a restatement of the highlights from your perspective can be a powerful and affirming tool for those engaged in the details of the work. “We’ve come a long way and I think that is due to the fact that we….” or “I am very impressed with the way all of you have….” or “I see three things that you are doing that I’ve not seen any other group do…” are all ways to help frame your comments. Never underestimate the power of a specific, straightforward “this is what you are doing right.”

Internal consultation is an essential ingredient to the success of any group endeavor. Involve each member by staying on the targeted course and positively assessing each step in the process before proceeding to the next level to ensure a collective and concentrated success.

WHEN YOU ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY GAINING APPROVAL FROM THE "POWERS THAT BE" . . .

1. Brainstorm with the team for possible ways to gain influence.

2. Invite key decision-makers to a “working lunch” presentation with the team for an “interim” report.

3. Check your courage level. Does the team and the decision- maker need you to be more direct?

4. Request a consultant to help you move “past this sticking point.” 5. Ask for their guidance.

When What You Say Is Important …

Don’t sell the data … sell the idea.Don’t sell the project … sell the benefit.Don’t sell it as yours … sell it as theirs.

In short, sell your knowledge.


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Influencing Levels

Observers or watchers are concerned with inclusion

Implementers are concerned with security.

Managers/supervisors are responsibility minded, concerned with upward mobility, risk averse.

Innovators—Questioners—Obstructionists

Executives are strategic, motivated by power, do what they need to do, and find the time/$$/resources they need to accomplish their objectives.

Visionaries see what no one else does.

Notes:

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Additional Resources:First Among Equals by Patrick J. McKenna and David H. Maister, (New York: The Free Press, 2002)


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#2 The Leader’s Way: Through and With Others

The Nature of Change for Individuals, Teams, and for OrganizationsFinding Access within your OrganizationThe Nature of Connection and Inclusion for Teams

Leaders Set the Tone. People crave two things: they want to feel connected and included. Instead of jumping headfirst into the content of your information, take time to make sure your listeners feel at home with you and their surroundings.

Create the atmosphere right from the beginning with your introductions and opening. Be enthusiastic, but maintain your calm as you begin to give directions.

Make sure you introduce key participants and define their role in the group. Clearly set out the agenda and overall goals for the meeting.

An audience who feels welcome and included will work harder to reach positive outcomes under the guidance of you, their leader. Here’s how to settle them in.

Always suggest, never demand. “Consider XYZ” instead of “Clearly, XYZ presents the most effective option.”

Question. Lace your presentation and their discussion time with relevant questions. “In your clinical experience, what three areas proved most important?”

Review. Guide them through their own learning. Use a flipchart to post statements. “What do these points mean to you?” Discussion always ensues.

Managing Fear and Bad News

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” Florence Nightingale, nurse

When we label fear as fear, it controls us. Be wary of how fear can outmatch the goal. When you deliver unpleasant news or when you face a hostile client or group, make sure you prepare them for what you have to say.

Frame your message in terms of their concerns, even if you need to be focused on a specific topic.

Revitalize the group’s energy by allowing them to share the things they worry about – professional and personal implications.

Avoid letting the “we” become “me.”


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Capture the power of metaphors. Has someone used an image you can piggyback off? Are you climbing a mountain together? Hurdling an obstacle?

Leaders Take Risks. Successful leaders understand that risk taking is an essential component to a fulfilling career. The issue is not in the risk activity itself, but in how a leader can take risks and display courage in order to lead effectively and influence others.

Courage can often be a series of small steps taken in the right direction at the right time regardless of the prevailing wisdom of those who remain at a standstill. Often risk is scary not because of the task that needs to be done but because of the uncertainty of the outcome.

“There are risks and costs to a program of action, but they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction.” John F. Kennedy.

Smart leaders help make courageous commitments as conservatively as needed. A leader’s role is to move the team, not just take the risks themselves. A successful leader will focus on the small steps that will lead a group to the end goal.

Will you make sure expectations are in alignment through candid discussion with your team?

Will you fight against ambiguity within your team environment by not promoting secrecy or confusion?

Will you view encouragement as a vital way to empower and encourage your team members?

A leader rewards those who attempt even if they fail. Make a point to console your team members who become discouraged when their attempts fail. Enjoy their successes and bestow some positive publicity whenever possible. Share the times when your own risks paid off or when your own failures led to growth in other areas.

“I think all great innovations are built on rejection.”sculptor Louise Nevelson.

A leader ensures that all ideas are up for discussion. Strive to encourage disagreement, diversity and openness. Work to create an environment that fosters contribution and cooperation instead of competition and secrecy, an environment in which your team members feel free to share their talents.


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All Risk Involves Movement: A Step, Jump, or Leap.

A step is moving forward incrementally, as you do when walking. Jumps are a series of calculated moves designed to achieve a goal. Leaps are the most risky, undertaken because of an underlying belief that

you (and your team) will have sufficient momentum to reach your target.

When Risk Runs Relationships

The way a leader responds or reacts to normal natural conflict sets the tenor of events to come. Regardless of what the other person does, decide what you will do. This is the essential heartbeat of leadership. In Latin, it is called “locus” or the place of control deep within you. Know your locus-of-control and you will always have the choice to act as you need to act.

Leaders who work to elicit ideas from team members allow for people to feel what they want the most – involvement, affirmation, and ownership. Making change happen is a leader’s riskiest move. It is a test of whether you know and are known, whether you listened and are listened to, and whether your leadership will move or stagnate.

“A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.” Grace Murray Hopper, mathematician and computer pioneer.

Leadership Line

Embrace risk. Can you assess risk based on fear or with an eye for what is possible and likely? Will you take the risk of asking for help? Do you allow the lessons you learn from your failures to help define your leadership by sharing them with others? Do you always look for buy-in from your team? When you change things, do you do

so with others instead of for others?


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Insuring Change Happens: Five Key Questions To Ask Yourself(University of Michigan)

What are we doing?Why are we doing it?How will it be done?

Measurement, Communication, Training?What is my role?

Four Elements of Change

I feel listened to.I feel you are interested in me.

I feel you have helped me focus.I feel encouraged.

“Cooperation isn’t getting people to do what you want them to do. It’s getting them to want to do what you want them to do.”

Earl Nightingale.

Notes:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Additional Resources: The Success Principles, by Jack Canfield, (New York: Harper Resource Books


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#3 The Leader’s Task: Eliciting From

Questioning Techniques and TacticsCooperation and its Impact on Team EfficiencyMeeting Strategies for Creativity and Movement

Leaders Use Open-Ended Questions. Consider your personal relationships with teenagers and how conversations hinge on the details: “How was school today?” is a question that most certainly will elicit an “okay” or a noncommittal shrug of the shoulders. “Tell me about your day” may still get a rolling of the eyes from a teenager, but it opens up the question and allows a possible answer about anything and everything. “How did you feel when the teacher did that?” is more likely to elicit a personal response.

Adults do not vary much from that analogy. Asking the appropriate open-ended question during a meeting provides you with a powerful tool. Likewise, a close-ended question is unforgiving. “What do you think of the material we covered in today’s discussion?” begs for a “liked it-didn’t,” shrugging-shoulders type of answer. But “what was the most helpful section of the presentation today?” entices a listener to offer an opinion; it flatters their innermost analyst and gives the person a chance to contribute.

The University of Pennsylvania did a study many years ago contrasting the way waiters and waitresses speak with us after our meal is served. “Everything OK?” is the traditional question from a waiter. Sometimes the customer even lies just to move things along. But what if your waitress said: “What is the one thing I can do to make this meal more pleasurable for you?” You would probably be more inclined to answer with the truth. The study also found that those who used the open-ended questions also received the higher tips!

And they should get more money. They are allowing their guests to say whatever they want, to reach down deep and offer up any real concerns. When you direct your listeners to questions that are close-ended, you very effectively diminish discussion and overall focus. People will respond as we set them up to respond.

Leaders Listen and Respond. Ask for feedback often and in real time. When you are open to what others say, you have remarkable influence with them. When you ask a question, let time elapse, at least thirty seconds. Listen for possible


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answers, unique answers … not just the correct one. Always listen for any issue or question behind the question.

Your goal is to make a transformational experience for your audience, a conversation, an ongoing cooperative work, and an adventure into relevant concepts. You want your audience to leave with an experience in their memory, not pages of data crammed into their head.

“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears.” Dean Rusk, former U.S. Secretary of State.

The Value of Feedback

Find ways to give and receive feedback encouragingly. When you receive feedback, find a workable place within yourself that has perspective. Taking feedback personally is never productive.

Likewise, when you are asked for feedback, be honest and begin with what you liked, admired, or noticed. Speak to real strengths, improvements, and skills. Suggest that your listener “consider” something different rather than mandate it.

Take a few minutes to summarize what you hear people commenting upon. Summarizing takes your listening skills to a whole new level. Listening is more than hearing words; it is processing meaning and intent.

You can always show interest in people by using the questions “Really?” and “What else?”

The Rule of 3s

One summary strategy is to listen for 3s and respond in 3s. Three is an important number that unifies, clarifies, and strengthens. For every talk you give, find a way to mention three ideas or thoughts or reasons somewhere in the talk.

Try these:

In a briefing: three reasons to listen today.

In a technical presentation: three reasons I’m excited about this drug.

In a sales presentation: three ways we have turned the technology around.


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Leaders Compel Creativity. Those leaders who appear to be naturally creative are often people who “see things differently” than their peers. Creative people look in a new way, from a different vantage point, or with greater intensity. This creativity propels new discoveries.

Strive for transformation, and inject your creativity into your next meeting. Creativity inspires growth within teams and towards objectives. Doing something different can be a logical thought process or simply a spontaneous, random, even illogical response. Truly successful leadership may depend upon the principle of doing something differently more than any other maxim.

Creativity can also refer to a leader’s ability to help others think differently about a problem using techniques and approaches beyond what is known or learned. This creativity then serves as a catalyst to new discoveries. Creativity is a vital quality of leadership, fostered through the leader and passed on to each team member.

Do you value creativity enough to allot specific time for your staff to think creatively?

Do you give your staff cross training opportunities and more direct contact with the end consumer or customer?

Are you a dream-maker in that you keep goals out in front, real, achievable and, most importantly, personal for each staff person?

Do you provide interest and support for new ideas that emerge from the grass roots level?

Creative People Skills

A leader who thrives on creativity will avoid taking a stand when a spirited discussion is happening during a meeting. Instead, focus on listening until the end, then offer a brief summary of what was discussed, and maybe “another idea” presented casually. Never stifle the energy or passion of a discussion by haphazardly throwing in opinions. Listen.

A creative leader never assumes that academic degrees, occupational experience, or professional titles guarantee the value or soundness of an idea or position. Take each contribution for what it is worth, not for who said it.

Hire different personality types and always look for uniqueness, creativity, and difference. Understand that creative people might have an unexpectedly unique piece to their education, professional experience, or personal interests.


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Three Key Creative Factors for Leaders

Teresa M. Amabile, author of Creativity in Context, provides these three key factors that allow leaders to exercise professional creativity.

Expertise. Know what you know, who can help you, and how you can utilize your knowledge to move forward. Cultivate your expertise on a daily basis until you are unaware you are even utilizing it.

Creative Thinking Skills. Introduce the goal or problem in a new or different way; take the initiative for the first attempt at implementing an idea or solution; and help others feel valuable enough to take their own first step.

Motivation. Recognize what motivates your team and adjust accordingly. Intrinsically motivated people use their inner dynamic resources to move forward while extrinsically motivated people crave outward signs of appreciation.

“Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work.” Rita Mae Brown, writer, poet, activist.

Leadership Line

Become a “dream-maker.” Do you observe, take notes, and keep judgments to a minimum? Can you give your staff latitude to make their own decisions? Will you supervise the decision-making process instead of controlling it with an iron hand?

How will you articulate your organization or team’s final goal? Once articulated, can you provide an environment conducive to achieving your goal?

Listen, Listen, Listen

Paraphrase … what you heard.Empathy … with feeling.

Respond … proof you listened well.


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Notes:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Additional Resources:

How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie (New York: Pocket Books, 1990) A great favorite. A classic. Written before any of us were born!

The Art of the Start, by Guy Kawasaki, (New York: Penguin Books, 2004) Written from an entrepreneur’s business point of view, this book has many “self” applications.


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#4 The Leader’s Skill: Staying Focused With Differences

Dealing Effectively with Difficult Personalities and StylesInevitable Conflict and Your Role as LeaderThe Skillful Business Relationship

Leaders Show Their Patience. Some people want to talk, to argue, to look better than the rest. Somehow these people will find you, whether they sit in your office or in an audience. Rather than try to fight them yourself, think about using peer pressure.

If you are in a group situation, after Dr. Difficult outlines his thoughts, summarize what he has said as accurately as you can in words or in a graphic image on a flipchart (three interlocking circles, etc.). Then ask: “What do you like most about this idea?” Take their responses, then ask: “If you were to change this idea to make it closer to how you feel, what would you add?” This will be perceived as less threatening to Dr. Difficult and allow for others to add to the learning.

If your enemy is within, work through your anxiety, nerves, and bad karma. Breathing is a vital function for leaders, presenting or not. We really do breathe differently when we get nervous – from the top of our chest rather than deeply into our chest. If you were going to do only one thing to help yourself here, take a deep breath and remember that you have something great for the audience, those who came to see and hear just you!

Capture the power of metaphors. Sometimes we hear someone use

Metaphor that simply captures everything we are saying. “So this project is a little like mountain climbing — not for the faint of heart!” someone might say. Use the mountain climbing then in your answer. “Indeed this is like a mountain climbing expedition in three ways: it is risky as you say, it is also very possible with the right team, and, like the mountain, it is before us just waiting for us.” This kind of an answer is much more powerful than simply ignoring the metaphor altogether.

Frame your message constantly in terms of participant concerns, even when you need to be focused on a specific topic. The more you speak of their concerns, the more you will get from them. You will revitalize the group’s energy level whenever you make it group centered.

Use self-disclosure strategically. Don’t tell a group what you think about an issue they are debating until you are ready to shut down the discussion. The longer you wait to contribute, the more they will discuss.


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Avoid letting the “we” become “them versus me.” Sometimes it is

easy, despite our best intentions, to come across as a know-it-all. Some of us are experts. We often know more than the group does, but thinking this way will get you into trouble.

Always have an air of inquiry, interest in the other person, a question that seeks more, and a kind of innocence of a child. When you take this approach, it is more likely that the audience will feel you are one of them, rather than you being a big shot.

Leaders Respect Others. A leader who can work with different personality types and generations of people is a leader who relates well to individuals as people and understands that beyond the personality, there is first a person.

Respect is the foundation of all successful relationships, regardless of age, ability, status, or intelligence. A leader recognizes that despite all the differences between people, the single most common element we share is a need for respect.

A leader does not strive to change the way others think but instead shows respect by talking with them to understand how they feel. To excel as a leader, you must firmly control two internal components of your own psyche: your self-esteem and your social interest. Self-esteem is our regard for self while social interest is our regard for others. It is imperative that you always choose to respond to others with a positive, respectful presence.

Do you try to always assume the best about someone? Have you developed a personal strategy for adjusting to and working with

different or difficult people? Do you work diligently to avoid negatively framing or stereotyping people? Have you noticed that respect is the foundation for customer service?

Assuming the best about a person (even if you know otherwise) is always an effective strategy. This does not mean you fail to prepare, blindly trust, avoid negotiating, refuse to seek a change of heart, or fail to win cooperation. You can’t lose in most face-to-face business meetings when you assume good about the participants.


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Beware of a frame that doesn’t fit. A respectful leader avoids putting negative frames around people, frames like: “He’s lazy. She’s strange. He makes stupid mistakes.” Understand that negative frames don’t allow you much maneuvering room. Instead, reframe people. “He’s not lazy. I think he might be discouraged at the lack of progress. She’s not strange, just very creative – she might need a bit more time to present this idea. He doesn’t make stupid mistakes for no reason. I’ll bet he isn’t aware of what he needs to do.” This gives you and the person room to grow and improve.

Three Strategies for Challenging Relationships

A respectful leader develops a plan for working with different or difficult people. Remember, often the simplest of plans work the best with those who are very difficult or averse to change.

Talk with the person about the problem. Put the person into a work group with a mentor or partner. Construct both a medium and a long-range goal around their

responsibilities.

A respectful leader adjusts and maintains composure. Modify your own thinking, behavior, feelings, and attitude in order to stay in control of your emotions. Ask others for their opinions, lunch with groups of employees, conduct listening sessions, learn another’s native language, and encourage ongoing education. Take time to demonstrate your respect through your actions, not just your words.

“Be friendly and firm. Friendly shows respect for them. Firm shows respect for you.” Rudolph Dreikurs, MD.

Leadership Line

Be willing to respect others. Can you experiment with various ways of respecting those who are different than you? Have you recognized your power to

cooperate more? Understand more fully? Work around former roadblocks? Brainstorm for more realistic goals? Coach a willing player? Have you learned from others who come from a different generation, either in front of or behind yours? Do you see that concern and creativity can be of equal value and that collective security

and personal significance can co-exist?


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Leaders Understand and Respect Difficult People. One exasperated manager shared his frustration: “We’ve learned about the “personalities’—the four of this type and the six kinds of that. What we really need to learn is how to work well with all of these people in selling, management and just plain getting along.”

How is it we can be so inundated with information about types of people, leadership ideas and healthy habits, yet continue to yearn for more and different insights in order to work better together? Some of us have a knack of working with others productively, but like all well-developed skills, habits or natural gifts, this talent of compatibility is usually culminated through personal experience. Although experience may not always the best teacher, it is the only one we cannot argue with.

Unfortunately, we sometimes regard or believe our experience too much. Police and prosecuting attorneys know that witnesses sometimes cling to their memory of an event even when videotapes are produced to refute their testimony. Are they lying? More likely they are constructing their own experience through a process called "selective perception." We sometimes see what we want to see. And, of course, everyone enjoys being right.

"The problem with difficult people is not them, it is with us.We don’t know what to do with them." Kevin E. O’Connor

Right now, you have an opportunity—the opportunity to look at the difficult and different people with whom you live and work and learn from them. Like all acquired skills, the skill of respecting difficult people necessitates your involvement before you can improve your adeptness. Here are some ideas for improving your skills.

Time and Practice

These are essential elements of success. Like any skill we attempt to learn, we want to become competent immediately. Resist the urge to be overly ambitious. Instead, try one per day and take note of the different outcomes, for you and for others. The key to improving your skills is awareness. Use the next week to listen more than talk, really hear more than just listen, and strive to understand rather than be “right."

Beyond the personality, there is first a person. Humans habitually seek significance for themselves. We all want to feel worthwhile, loved, valued and wanted. From our first approbations of "big girl" or "good boy," we live our life as if we are observing it from deep within ourselves.


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Employee surveys continually illustrate this search for significance to supervisors by stating they want to “be in on the decision," "have their opinions heard," and "participate" in their working world. We live in a democratic society, one where psychologist Michael Popkin has written that "we may not always get our way, but we can always have our say." Sometimes this takes the form of dialogue sessions, one-on-one conversations, formal data gathering, or even unfinished or poorly done work. Unionized or not, high level or not, employees find ways to be heard, if only through their behavior.

USAA Financial Group in San Antonio conducts regularly scheduled listening sessions where vice-presidents host employee town meetings for all of their reports. The operative word here is regularly scheduled. Never underestimate the power of dialogue or an employee’s great desire to be regarded as worth listening to. All of us want to feel significant.

Significance and Control

Inside of each person are two highly important factors that influence behavior. While significance is a primary goal we all strive for (or avoid), control also influences us. The two internal things we have absolute control over include: our self-esteem (our regard for ourselves) and our social interest (our regard for others). Although others may influence us, we are not imitations of them. And, while we cannot always choose whether we will interact with others, we can still choose the way we react to them. Personal choice is the key component of dealing successfully with difficult or different people.

When confronted with a person you find to be difficult, the first thing to be aware of is the choice you are making. How are you regarding this person, what are you allowing them to do to you, and what subtle choices are you making at that moment? The more you stereotype others, the louder you complain, the quieter you are around them, the more you engage in arguments or collisions, the less influence you will have over them and, more importantly, over yourself. Think of some of the leaders you admire. How do they handle others with whom they seem to be at odds? Observe that particular leader in action, or better yet, interview them and listen and learn from their experience and guidance.

Difficult people are similar to you and I in one important way. Some of these people realize they are difficult (and make a point to be), but most are deeply troubled by the fact that others are distanced from them. They find they have few options and are deeply rooted in one way of doing things. They have not yet learned that self-change is the only kind of successful change there is—with difficult people and with life!


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Respect

Difficult or challenging people seek what you and I seek: respect. Regardless of age, ability, status, intelligence or any other distinguishing personal marker, respect is the foundation of all successful relationships. Each of us wants to be respected for who we are. Even those who allow others to use and abuse them are fighting for respect, a respect that continues to elude them.

Respect is the quality of and the reason for customer service. It encourages cooperation during difficult times, and it is the negotiator’s most trusted ally. If it is absent from your workplace, it will be the first thing visitors will notice. Likewise, if it is not in your dealings with those you patronize, you simply will not return.

In your workplace, consider how difficult situations may be caused by a lack of respect. During these times, you may hear (or feel) such avowals as: "My right to decide is being questioned," "My feelings don’t seem to count here," "My right to control is being jeopardized" or "My prestige and my status are being questioned by this other person." Additional issues of respect include the person feeling inferior, powerless, defeated or helpless. You as the leader cannot remedy all of these feelings, but you can help to prevent them.

You cannot change the way another chooses to think, but you can show respect by talking with them to discover how they feel. Asking others for their opinion, having lunch with groups of employees, conducting listening sessions, learning another’s native language (i.e., Spanish), or encouraging ongoing education are all ways to demonstrate respect.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when confronted with difficult people:

1. Think about uniqueness before you categorize or stereotype. Regardless of what you know about personality styles, it is very easy to categorize someone. "She’s a definite relator” (or ENFJ, amiable, etc.) can be heard after many programs on personality styles. Naturally, we like certainty and descriptors; they help us take what may appear to be disparate pieces of a puzzle and construct a complete picture. One of the problems comes from using the descriptor to evaluate others, but not ourselves, which makes it easy to fall into a pattern of trying to change others instead of ourselves.

2. Develop a plan for dealing with different people. Give yourself time to plan your next move, especially when the person is extremely difficult. Be aware though, that the more elaborate the plan, the more margins for error. I have found that simple solutions work best with those who are very difficult, such as talking with them Kevin E. O’Connor & Associates Ltd., 800-462-6657 (US) [email protected]

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about the problem (not about their "difficult-ness,") ignoring them, putting them in a work group with a mentor-partner and constructing goals around their responsibilities.

3. Experiment with various ways to influence the behavior of the difficult person. Chicago-based marketing consultant, Patrick Shea, says, "Information doesn’t change behavior, support does." Sometimes we attempt to use literature and seminars to tackle difficult situations, but information and theory can only go so far. When information giving works, results will be immediate. Some students in your workplace will benefit greatly from such seminars and workshops. For the rest, you’ll need to support their efforts and challenges on a person-to-person basis. You may even need to make this support a higher priority than it currently is. It is not uncommon for managers to regard this support as somehow separate from their day-to-day responsibilities. Place it high on your own goal list—even equal to your highest goal—and then watch what happens. Mentor others, but don’t lecture. Let them think for themselves while you act as their coach. The conclusions they reach on their own under your guidance will much more effective and likely to be acted upon than your ideas alone.

4. Use yourself as a tool for change. Ann Landers wrote that people do things to us for many unknown reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with us. The old-fashioned virtues of kindness, fairness, and "looking the other way" are strategies that can work if applied with gentle pressure. There will always be time for confrontation, discipline, contracts or heavier measures. Sometimes just a heart-to-heart talk with employees is enough to start the change process. But be careful to let them do the talking, research, and set the goals of the coaching with you. By all means, keep the conversation focused on them, their choices, their goals, and how your collective findings fit into their future. You can capture and hold their attention if you speak to them as their leader and not as their counselor.

5. Adjust and maintain your composure. When confronted with a difficult person, modify your thinking, behavior, feelings and your attitude respectively. Stay in control of you. Realize you may never really change a difficult person. However, you do have the power to cope better, cooperate more, understand more fully, work around former roadblocks, brainstorm for more realistic goals, coach a willing player, teach a student, describe what you need more fully, or any of a hundred mutually beneficial strategies.


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All of This Happens Over Time“The main work of a trial attorney is to make a jury like his client.”

Clarence Darrow

Notes: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Additional Resources:The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution, by Dudley Weeks, New York: Putnam, 1992. A very good text, one you’ll refer to often.

Getting Past No: Negotiating Your Way From Confrontation to Cooperation, by William Ury, New York, Bantam Books, 1993. This is a classic text. Easy to read, hard to put into practice!


Could it be that your difficult person is:

Impossible . . . or perhaps hard to understand? Unfeeling . . . or just blunt? Cold . . . or merely concerned about the task at hand? Relentless . . . or goal driven? Impolite . . . or unaware of their effect on others? Hypercritical . . . or have an acute concern that things be done right? Manipulative . . .or unskilled in gaining others’ cooperation? Mean . . . or perhaps insecure? Overly sensitive . . . or concerned about where they stand with you? Stupid . . . or needing to be educated by you or your team? Political . . . or worried about their own security? Fearful . . . or anxious about their own place in the organization?

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# 5 The Leader’s Job: Understanding the Customer

Customer Awareness Differentiated from Customer Preference and Customer InsistenceLanguage and its Role in Your LeadershipPlanning for the Future

Leaders Prepare. Picture yourself as a master teacher, a person more concerned with your learners than yourself. Share with your clients, your staff, or your audience the very information they want and need to hear, the essence of what they most seek to understand. Prepare with intentional design to connect with others.

Maintain a genuine interest in the people who sit before you. Prioritize their needs, and move into their perspective.

Simplify but not in a way that patronizes or “dumbs down” the material. Use a metaphor or a demonstration to drive home important material. The art of simplifying helps the learner grasp the importance of the subject.

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” Leonardo da Vinci, painter

When do you engage in a dialogue with others? Before, during, or after a presentation?

How do you feel when a speaker dumps data on you during an hour-long scientific presentation? How can you present your information differently?

Think of a memorable presentation you have listened to. What techniques did the presenter use to engage you?

“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that’s creativity.”

Charles Mingus, jazz composer.


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Leaders Soar With Solutions. A leader’s challenge is not to eliminate problems, but to illuminate their potential solutions. Solutions exist. A leader recognizes that all life is interpersonal. Problems and solutions happen between people. Focusing on solutions is positive thinking and doing. A leader will try something different and then note what changed as a result – for good or bad. It matters less what you do and more that you do something in order to succeed.

Our interpersonal interactions are maintained by a unique set of inner talents that we use, for good or ill, to influence others. Over time a pattern develops which is unique to us. We have the power to influence problems and solutions by using our own style.

By developing our own talents and that unique pattern of interactions, we expand our repertoire of responses to problems that confront us. Solutions are there but focus is the key. By focusing on the solutions, especially the ones already happening but unnoticed, we can be revived and renewed.

What’s it like when it’s not like that? What are some indications that we are on the right track? What should we do to cause this to happen more often? How exactly is that success different than in the past?

Witness the value in “That was an exception.” A leader focused on solutions can effect great changes by pointing out those times when the problem doesn’t occur. Exceptions happen to all of us, and precisely because they are exceptions, we tend to forget or at least discount their value. The exceptional times or solution-focused times are the ones which need repetition. They aren’t accidents; they are merely too easily forgotten.

A leader focused on solutions applies the “miracle question” to difficult dilemmas. “Suppose a miracle happened tonight, and tomorrow this problem was gone. What would be different?” This approach empowers people not only for what they can do, but also for the knowledge of actions they’ve already taken to make the difference.


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A leader utilizes these important elements of Solution Focused Management:

You can win another’s cooperation without having to ask for it (known as the “I can only change me” rule of human relations).

If one person makes a small change, the whole situation can change – the ripple effect.

Dramatic change isn’t perfection. Nothing works all the time (known as the “wish it could be” rule).

The task can be varied and have the same effect (known as the “let’s experiment with success” principle).

Leaders who utilize solution-focused techniques tap into solutions that already exist. The same information is inside of our team and our organization. It exists to such a degree that discouragement becomes encouragement, defeat becomes revitalization, and confusion becomes clearer direction. All of this happens “from the inside out.”

Focusing on solutions is positive thinking and doing. You avoid the often repetitious and frustrating historical (and hysterical!) details about the problem or the environment, or the other people involved. Instead of worrying about what doesn’t happen and why, free your time and energy to examine what is working well and how that translates into other areas.

Leadership Line

Begin to ask the question “How did you do that?” What is your inner ability or unique pattern or problem solving talent? Do you spend your time cultivating a variety of solution-focused alternatives or do you find yourself stuck on a single problem-solving methodology? How can you adjust your own habits in order to influence others’ behavior? Are you prepared to ask one question … wait … and listen for the answer?


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Leaders Master the Art of Change They guide their teams through changes, large or small. Change evokes anxiety. And whether we like it or not, at times the changes we establish will not be seen as a change for the better by our teams, our colleagues, and our superiors. This is when we as leaders encounter “resistance.”

Our job, however, is to initiate change and guide it through our organizations in a special way—a way that will lead to positive change.

“Genius is hard work, stick-to-it-iveness, and common sense.”

Thomas Edison, 1880

All great inventors, scientists, and thinkers allow themselves to think the unthinkable, to do what has never been done before, and to encourage themselves and others to risk failure in order to succeed. Some of the best doctors, counselors, and attorneys are the new ones. They have not been spoiled yet by what they “know.”

They may lack the sophistication and experience of those in their field who are not so new—but their ideas are purer and many times more innovative. One professor of architecture at the University of Wisconsin in Milwaukee addressed his class, “You will never have better original ideas than you do right now. Now you are pure. You are more open now than you will ever be. Don’t lose that as we teach you how to also be a great architect.” Wise professionals in all areas of study like to have graduate students, fellows and interns, as well as the newly hired as their associates. It keeps them thinking “new.”

1. Develop the attitude of seeing possibilities that do not yet exist. Become more comfortable with discussions that speak of possibilities. Scientific research for years has always encouraged students to use the final part of their research papers to speak to new research that needs to be done. You can do the same, but don’t wait until the end. Incorporate these change ideas in your daily briefings. Speak to possibilities in your formal presentations. Make the phrases “What if….” and “What other ideas….” or “I have another idea about that…” a standard for you at meetings with others. Reward team members who see the possibilities, and make sure you do so publicly: “George, I really like the way you…”


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2. Become known as an idea person constantly seeding new ideas in all of your meetings and interactions. The best idea people are good questioners…they do not force answers—they simply ask terrific questions. Use meetings to do this, but also use your informal contacts as well. Lunches, coffee breaks, dinners, teambuilding events, and informal emails, even better, informal phone calls to “run this idea past you” are all effective ways to “seed” new ideas in the fertile ground of your team’s mindset. Give your boss immediate feedback when you get one of those “immediate e-mails.” Don’t be critical but rather, ask a good question.

3. Consult with as many team members as you can during the earliest development phase. Team members, other staff (especially those who will be impacted by the change the most—administrative staff, remote salespeople, customers, etc.), those who can ultimately veto the change at will, as well as those who know little of your operation but might have a good idea anyway (security, maintenance, your college roommates, a neighbor who works in another field, etc.) Start with, “I need your help” or “May I ask you a question?”

4. Determine your target and work your plan backwards from it. Targeting is a very important leader quality. When a leader defines the goals and makes the target something that others want also, movement towards becomes easier. You can achieve this by speaking of goals rather than positions. As in negotiations, goals help us come together—positions tend to split us apart. Wise leaders begin with goals, speak of them often, remind us of them when we are differing, and use them as measures of success. Remember to make sure the goals are simple, achievable and measurable…and very, very publicly known, especially by your team.

5. Encourage your staff, your colleagues and your superiors. Change is hard work. Change is risky work. Change requires someone who will help us take the risk and do the work to make it happen. Reward good ideas, praise good implementers, and encourage good experimenters both privately and publicly. Include recognition of others by name in your formal presentations for all to hear. Use the phone, post-it notes, cards, formal letters send through the mail, a favorite chocolate or coffee gift certificate, or even a “spontaneous” invitation to lunch to say thank you for great work. Of course, invite


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those who least think you will invite them to lunch. Steer clear of those you always go to lunch with—you will get exactly the same ideas you have been getting for years!

Always act as a cheerleader for the changes you have seen happen, even on the seemingly most insignificant level. You can do this while at the same time being internally unsatisfied with the status quo.

Be aware of what you resist. Some ideas that come our way like the ones I have presented today, the one your spouse said this morning at breakfast, or the one your boss mentioned during your performance appraisal—some of these ideas we reject out of hand. This sets a dangerous precedent for leaders.

That which we resist will persist. Picture a large overgrown forest with no easy way in and no way out. When you and I pay special attention to those ideas we find least useful, we give ourselves a terrific advantage—the benefit of clearing out an overgrown path and maybe even finding a way out of the forest. Leaders Favor Common Sense Reality

This is a subtle, highly visible and important skill for a leader. Pessimists do not make good leaders of teams. Neither do raging optimists. “Common sense realists” are the best—they compliment progress and are encouraging of change and growth. I call them “common sense realists” because leaders of this sort know there are certain “givens” with any type of change…it may be threatening, it may be resisted, it may be a difficult sell, and its true benefit may not be immediately seen. Their common sense provides the wisdom and patience to work with others through these predictable times. On the other hand, these leaders are also realistic enough to know that individuals and teams thrive on certain other “givens”…encouragement, skill development, challenge, some competition, cooperation, and the knowledge their leader sees beyond what is now—the leader sees a future that includes all.

The next time you have to guide a change through your team or your organization, remember what leaders do best…what you do best.


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Leaders Utilize Empathy More Now Than Ever. Traveling since September 11th, I’ve made a habit out of interviewing flight attendants. As we talk, I have learned two things: first, they notice that passengers are much nicer than before, and, second, the flight attendants themselves are very willing to share their personal feelings about our mutual return to the skies.

Have you noticed how people are different where you work? What have you noticed that is different? What about the quality of conversation between you and your fellow colleagues? What I have noticed is a deepening of the quality of relationships.

The Skill of Empathy

Do you remember the last time you felt “fully understood?” Not just that feeling you have when you know the other person heard what you said…being “fully understood” is the experience that the other person understands the depth of your emotions, the content of your message and the significance for you. This is empathy.

Empathy is a psychological skill—a skill we use to deepen relationships. Empathy is also an experience of the spirit. To see and use empathy only as a skill would be like a surgeon uses a scalpel. The surgeon’s skills with the scalpel are important, but so are the surgeon’s understanding and sensitivity. She uses the skill for a greater purpose.

A friend of mine was studying to be a chaplain on the West coast a few years ago. He was engaged in a Clinical Pastoral Experience (CPE) at the hospital where he was also a chaplain in training. One of the first experiences required of him and his class was to watch an autopsy. He told me he dreaded this experience. He was worried he would become ill, embarrassed, and wanted very much not to do this!

When the physician entered the room, the body was draped with a white cloth, and the students were lined up on the other side of the table. The doctor said: “Today we will perform an autopsy on a body, a body that now belongs to a family, a family that is desperate for answers. Our job, our work, is to help them find those answers. These tools and our skills will help us help them. The gift we will give them is the gift of understanding.


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Shall we begin?” My friend said that to his surprise, he leaned forward and watched with rapt attention.

Empathy is a skill you can learn. More importantly, it is a window into the soul and being of another person. It is also a great gift.

The Skill Defined

Perhaps a friend says to you: “Every time I think I am going to get all my sales calls done, something else comes up and before I know it the week has flown by.” How would you respond? You could say:

a. “Didn’t get your work done again Phil?” b. “Me too, they just load it on don’t they?” c. “I did mine…what’s so difficult?”d. “You must feel discouraged that despite your best efforts,

you still feel behind.” (PS: That’s the empathic one!)

The dictionary definition of empathy is “entering into the feeling or spirit of a person…appreciative perception or understanding.”

Gerard Egan, author of Interpersonal Living, looks at empathy not as a definition, but as an activity. He writes:

“You are accurately empathic if you

(1) discriminate—get inside the other person, look at the world from (that person’s) perspective or frame of reference, and get a feeling for what (that) world is like; and

(2) communicate to the other this understanding in a way that shows (this person) that you have picked up, generally, both (the) feelings and the experiences and/or behaviors underlying these feelings.”

So, empathy is about understanding and communicating what the other person has said to you. It is not about what you think or feel about what they have said, any advice you might offer, and possible solutions. It is only about understanding and communicating.


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Empathic understanding allows for the experience of “you understand me.” It is not the “Oh, I know just how you feel” response. The difference here is huge. Real empathy is plainly and simply about the most sacred of places—inside the other person. As Allan Schnarr, from Chicago’s Loyola University, has written, “The other doesn’t know I get their inner world unless I first understand it, and then communicate it to them.”

More Than Ideas

As an empathic listener, I am more than an idea reporter. If all I do is say again what the other has told me, I have not demonstrated empathy.

Bob: “I just lost my job…the one I’ve had since college. I have no idea what else I can or should do. They just…fired me! Just like that.”

Non-Empathic Ed: “You got fired? Just like that! What the hell! Holy cow! Guess it really can happen to anyone…maybe even me!”

Empathic Randy: “You’re shocked and sad that something you counted on is now gone so quickly.”

Bob: “You’re right, how could it just go so fast? I was shocked.”

Non-Empathic Ed: “You lost your job! Yea, bam, gone! Wow…glad I’m still working!”

Accurate Carita: “Ed, let’s go have a little talk!” Non-Empathic Ed: “I feel like Bob didn’t appreciate what I said. Did

I do this empathy thing wrong again?” Accurate/Empathic Carita: “You feel embarrassed because you feel

you didn’t listen with empathy to Bob?” Ed: “Boy, you got that right.”

What Empathy Is

Remember these keys to empathy: discriminate, communicate and take the risk to name the feeling.

What Empathy Is Not

So, empathy is about understanding and communicating—what the other person has said to you. It is not about what you think or feel about


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what they have said, any advice you might offer, and possible solutions. It is only about understanding and communicating.

Leaders Remember Empathy is the Art of Feeling With One Another. They risk using empathy regularly at work and at home…and then they notice and appreciate the difference it makes.

Many Ways To Understand

Sometimes we can have the experience of empathy with a word, a gesture, and a touch. The experience of empathy—you understand me and communicate that to me—happens to us at many different levels, sometimes on an almost accidental level.

Once I was skiing a particularly challenging and exciting hill in Colorado with a friend, the friend who had taught me to ski. We skied together down this hill for 20 or 30 minutes only catching glimpses of one another, both intent on making it to the bottom in one piece. As we both came to a stop, Larry looked and me and simply said, “Wow! Was that cool or what?” I replied with a little dance and simply said, “Ooh, baby!” Twenty years later Larry and I met, and one of the first things we spoke about was that interaction. He and I both understood on a deep level what the other had experienced.

This is an experience of empathy without even being conscious of the using the skill of empathy. It can also happen when we share something of significance with one another.

Recently, I was teaching an international class and using a common American expression. I said something to the effect of “I had a monkey on my back” meaning I was burdened—had an annoyance hounding me.

An African in the group looked puzzled by the analogy and I recognized I made the error of assuming that everyone used this expression. We spoke a bit as I explained the meaning of this expression. His eyes lit up and then he said, “Oh, your cow fell in the river!” With that common expression from his village, I felt completely understood. Empathy across cultures!


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Now the sharing of a ski adventure and some cultural idioms does not qualify as the skill of empathy, but the experience of the understanding does. Therefore, continue to pay close attention in your daily life of the times when you have felt understood. You need not consult a counselor or a classmate for this, simply be aware of the times you felt understood.

This experience of being the receiver of empathy will help you learn the skills of accurately listening with empathy.

“Good listening is about good responding.”Gerald Egan

Many Ways To Understand…One Skill to Ensure Understanding

Just because you and I experience empathy, does not mean we can create it whenever we wish…unless we know the skill. Using the skill of empathy, we are engaging in the sweetest of all understandings—I have told you something important to me, which has meaning and emotion—and you have understood.

Practicing empathy certainly involves the skills of self-reflection, attending, paraphrasing, and listening to the self-disclosure of another. Empathy builds on these important skills.

Using the skill of self-reflection, stay aware of what you are sensing, thinking, feeling, and imagining as you listen.

Build on the skills you are learning. Attend to the other person by making sure you are sitting or standing squarely to them. Use an open position, no crossed arms or legs. Lean forward slightly to show interest, communicate closeness, and allow for intimacy. Using appropriate eye contact will also show interest and help you decipher emotion. Finally, relax. Empathy, though important, is not difficult. It is, however, a skill that can be learned and practiced.

When I use empathy, it is about the other, not me. When the other is willing to self-disclose, and I am able to listen attentively, I am much less likely to assume, project, or impose my thoughts on the other. I am then more open to their response. Self-disclosure allows mutual discovery.


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Being aware of your own feelings and emotions will help you tremendously with empathy. My experiences of empathy and my understanding of my own feelings are the basis for empathy with yours. If I can’t empathize wit certain feelings in myself, my empathy for another is limited.

Although your feelings are not the feelings of the other person, it is important you be aware of yours as you listen to theirs. Be aware of the feelings you are having right now as you listen to the person self-disclosing. If I am angry and aware of that, I will listen differently to your hurt than if I am angry and unaware of it. When I am preoccupied with my own pain, I won’t have any room to hear yours.

A Tale From Far Away

On the television series Star Trek, a science fiction story about travelers in space seeking out new life and exploring where no one has gone before, the explorers were on a planet with a labyrinth of mines. As they explored, the crew and the miners were being harassed by a huge, living, deadly, moving stone-like being. Like a huge boulder or mound without eyes or any markings, this terrible “thing” was ravaging the miner community. This monster could cut through solid rock at a moment’s notice. Miners were being killed, seemingly nothing could stop the carnage. The boulder seemed impervious to all weapons.

One of the crew members noticed there were also “little” boulders scattered all around the area…and they were moving! Finally, one of the crew, the half-human, half-Vulcan Dr. Spock decided the huge mass needed to be communicated with. He used an ancient Vulcan method called the “Vulcan Mind-Meld.” In it, he laid his hands on the huge stone and then with great emotional and physical pain, there was a transfer of energy from the living boulder to Dr. Spock’s awareness. Spock understood that this strange, deadly creature was…. pregnant! Like all moms, she was concerned for her “little ones” (who were being harvested by the miners!) Once understood, all came to terms. Empathy in outer space!

Likewise, empathy well done will achieve a similar kind of understanding. Just consider who you would choose to tell your deepest


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secrets and desires to? Did you choose your smartest friend, your funniest one, or did you choose the one with the most understanding?

Whether this friend knows it or not, they are your “empathy buddy.” They may not even know what they are doing when they do it, but they are empathic. You come away enriched by their presence and their response.

Go beyond words and communicate understanding on a deeper level than merely listening. Schnarr writes, “Communicating understanding of another’s feelings creates a moment of intimacy that both parties need to choose.”

As friends we often have the experience of empathy. George Eliot captured it this way:

“Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring all right out just as they are, chaf and grain together, certain that a faithful friendly hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away.”

In our work with new relationships, the skill of empathy helps to deepen our understanding of one another, and make friendships possible. You never know…on some distant planet, in a galaxy far away, it could someday even save your life!


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Leaders Coach From Strength To Handle Confrontation.

You can love me, but I must make me happy.You can teach me but I must do the learning.You can lead me, but I must walk the path.You can promote me, but I have to succeed.You can coach me, but I must win the game.You can pity me, but I must bear the sorrow.

For the gift of love is not a food that feeds me.It is the sunshine that nourishes what

I must finally harvest for myself.So If you love me, don’t just sing me your song;

Teach me to sing.

For when I’m alone, I will need the melody.-Dan Baker, Houston, TX

Awareness and Relationships

There are many things that can pass by our awareness. I am not always aware that I have offended you. You may not always be aware when you have a serious expression on your face. We are not always aware that we forget common courtesies: holding the door for a friend, eating before the rest have been served, making a joke of something that another takes quite seriously. Sometimes I am not even aware of my strengths.

In many of our relationships, we rely on a friend or partner, a trusted colleague or boss to let us know when we are “off track.” This is especially useful during performance appraisals and feedback sessions.

Confrontation: A Skill That Can Be Learned

Psychologists call growing from your strength the skill of strength confrontation. Confronting someone with their strengths can be an extremely encouraging and positive experience for both you and for them.

Confrontation from strength is defined as “Pointing out to another the strengths, assets, and resources they are failing to use or are not using fully.” (Egan) Strength confrontation is a direct appeal to the other person to use


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more of what you find valuable about them that they seem to be using less of.

Let’s say a colleague has a gift for insight with groups—a sixth sense about people and the dynamics involved, but she is very shy and reticent to speak up. She processes her reactions with you after the group. Often you wish she would push herself a little more so that the group would benefit from her wisdom. You might say: “I find our conversations after work to be fascinating. Your insight into others and into the team process is intriguing. You are gentle in your interpretations, never judgmental, and you always see others in a positive light. I wish you would say these things to the group. I think they would react positively to your insights. I know speaking up is hard for you, and I want to encourage you to consider speaking to them…to all of us and not just me.”

Confrontation Is Not

It is not demanding: “How hard is it to tell Ann what you think? Just say it! Do it! What is wrong with you?”

It is not judging: “My parents had a word for people like you…they called them ‘whiners’…when you don’t get your way, you just make the rest of us miserable by complaining all the time. I wish you would stop.”

It is not accusing: “It’s obvious you don’t like Bob and frankly I don’t think you have given the guy a chance. He’s not that bad.”

It is not questioning: “How long are you going to hide behind that ‘shy’ label of yours? I think it is an excuse myself.”

It is not sarcastic: “What is the problem? You are so American in your views! Can't you see the nose in front of your face? None of you people seem to care about anyone but yourselves.”

It is not name-calling: “You are so crabby all the time. We are all getting so tired of that.”


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Confrontation Can Be Descriptive (when you focus on strengths)

“I notice that when Barb is in the room, you seem different, quiet. When you are with us, you seem more open, more spontaneous. I wonder what would happen if you would speak up when she is here. I think you have very good ideas and I really think she too would like to hear them.”

“You often speak of Tom as a difficult person to get along with. You seem to have a critical comment about his management style, how he is with the team, even the way he dresses. I have known you to overlook much of that with me and others on our team, but you focus on him a great deal. I wonder if the team would go better for you if you could overlook his shortcomings and just focus on what you need to learn. Perhaps your talent for noticing details will allow you and the rest of us to grow without criticism of others.”

The skill of confrontation from strength for a coach is twofold:

1. I identify a strength I know you have and I have seen you use. Here we are observing the person over time, we are especially aware of the descriptive data that we have noticed: how they behave under stress, how they communicate, how their patterns of behavior repeat over time.

2. I invite you to use it more. Taking this strength and detailing it for you using specific data and specific examples, I encourage you to use this strength more for the betterment of us all. You may notice I have excellent communication skills in one forum but not in another. You might see that I respond to one person in one way and to all the others in another way. Or you might observe that I am too quick to judge, put down, or use sarcasm when I am under pressure…even though I do none of that, ever, with you.


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For Coaches, confrontation from strength is used in at least four ways:

1. To Give Feedback. Here is what I observe, what I notice, and what I wish you would do more of.

2. To Encourage. I see you are struggling with these relationships on the team and I offer this feedback to you in the spirit of helping you grow as you have helped me grow.

3. To Uncover for the Other Their Natural Gifts. Sometimes what we take for granted in ourselves, when valued and highlighted by others, is a very strong affirmation of where we can develop “the more” and “the better” now.

4. To Promote Movement or Change in Our Relationship. We might be “stuck” at a place in our relationship and I articulate my thoughts on you, your strengths and your ability to grow. This is especially helpful when you need to take the initiative.

The secret to successful confrontation lies in four things: intention, timing, delivery, and follow up.

Your intention must be to enhance the relationship and to grow closer. If you deliver a strength confrontation out of hostility, anger, or sarcasm, it will distance you from the other.

Your timing is important because readiness is an important feature of the skill. Why should I listen to you if it seems to me, that you’re only concerned with you, your schedule and when you want to talk rather than what is the best time for us to talk?

Your delivery must come from careful concern and honesty. This must be and be seen as genuine.

Your follow-up is important to see how the other responds to what you have told them. If you simply say it and leave, you have in essence, hit and run.


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The Responses

So how do people respond to a coach who confronts from strength? When delivered well, strength confrontation helps one grow, identifies areas of strength, and allows one to move forward in relationship with you. The fact is we cannot predict how someone will respond, we can only control how we are and what we do. Strength confrontation is not a guarantee of anything. It is an invitation.

Components of the Skill

As with all other skills, this skill of strength confrontation has some important components woven inside of and under the skill itself.

Relationship: Strength confrontation only works in a relationship born of trust and respect. Without these two essential elements, it is easy to mistake strength confrontation for accusation or criticism.

Encouragement: This comes from the French word, “cour,” meaning heart. When we encourage we ‘give courage to’ or ‘draw courage from’…when we encourage, we speak of the other and their strengths, their skills, their gifts…we speak to their heart.

Confrontation: Here we identify the s-t-r-e-t-c-h that is involved in growth. We ask for forward movement. In much the same way a parent encourages a toddler to let go of the coffee table in order to take the first steps…so too we are asking the other to take a risk and do more—to stretch their skills beyond what they currently believe them to be.

Coaches: Who Can Do This?

You can confront another in this way when: You have a relationship with them. You have spent time understanding the other person…from their point

of view. You have disclosed yourself to them over time and have not merely

been a casual observer of their behavior. You are aware of how they and their patterns impact you personally. You care about the other and are willing to grow with them.


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You are willing to have others strength confront you as well…you see it as a good, positive force in relationship.

Coaching Intervention

Action or change is not always the point of the experience. The point is that this relationship is secure enough to challenge the status quo and encourage growth, a growth based on a current and real strength. When done well, strength confrontation results in an increased relationship based on trust, respect, and a choice for action. When we identify a particular strength in another, we are honoring them. When they listen openly, they honor us. When they take action, they honor themselves.

Who will you honor today?

To Do …

Top 25 Influencers

Every 30 Days

Evangelize Those Who Are Away

Discouraged Leadership Styles

OverprotectiveOverindulgenceAuthoritarian

PermissiveExcessive Standards

InconsistencyCompetition


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Six Leadership Styles

Coercive = Do what I tell you.

Authoritative = Come with me.

Affiliative = People come first.

Democratic = What do you think?

Pacesetting = Do as I do … now.

Coaching = Try this.

Use and Build … On Their Ideas

Focus on strength.Look for forward movement.

Use humor and rapport.Encourage cooperation.

Notes:

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Additional Resources:Heroic Leadership: Best Practices from a 450 Year Old Company that Changed

the World, (Chicago: Loyola Press, 2003) The history of the Jesuits and what they did, and are doing, for the world.


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About Kevin E. O’Connor

Kevin E. O’Connor, CSP, is a leadership consultant and professional speaker. He

specializes in working with professionals – physicians, engineers, information

technologists, dentists, nurses, and others – who have been promoted to leadership

positions where they now lead their former peers.

Since 1976, Kevin has spoken professionally more than 85 times per year on

average. He coaches 125 professionals around the country and teaches graduate students

at Chicago’s Loyola University. He has taught at the Weatherhead School of

Management at Case Western Reserve University as well as the Katholieke Universiteit

in Leuven, Belgium, outside of Brussels.

He received his MA in Education from St. Xavier College; an MA in Counseling

Psychology from the Alfred Adler Institute; and an MA in Spirituality from Loyola

University.

Kevin’s book Present Like A Pro: A Field Guide to Mastering the Art of

Business, Professional, and Public Speaking, co-authored with Cyndi Maxey, will be

released in July, 2006, from St. Martin’s Press. Also, his book Winning Over Your

Toughest Critics: Leading Your Professional Peers will be available in April, 2006.

He has also written: A Handbook for Ministers of Care (1997, Liturgy Training

Publications), When All Else Fails: Finding Solutions to Your Most Persistent

Management Problems (1992, 1997), Profit-Ability: Leading Teams to a Better Bottom

Line (2002), and a contributor to Skills for Success: A Career Education Handbook for

Children and Adolescents with Visual Impairments (1999, AFB Press), Replenishing the

Well: Insights and Inspiration for the Field of Visual Impairment (1997, Ozark

Learning), and an as yet untitled and unpublished book on Parenting and Blindness

(2005, Hadley School for the Blind) as well as the video Birth Order (1992, Learning

Seed).

Kevin holds the CSP designation (Certified Speaking Professional), which is the

highest earned honor in the speaking profession. Less than 450 people in the world hold

this honor for speaking excellence. Kevin is married, has two children, and lives in

suburban Chicago.


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# 5 the leader’s job: understanding the...

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