rCONTINlIlW FROM ','RON1' ('OVI-JIII

• Men: Unleashthe Latin LoverInside You p. 54

• Women: Deflatethe Latin LoverBehind You p. 56

VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE"Vada via che sa di aglio."

Buzz off, garlic breath.

"Non mi tocchi."Don't touch me.

Say ciao tochaos with

the phrasebookthat puts you incontrol."Fa schifo."

You're disgusting.

"II sole siciliano Ie ha cotto iI cervello!'The Sicilian sun has cooked your brain.

"Neanche se lei fosse I'unico uomo sullaterra."

Not i(you were the last man on earth.

"Mi lasci in pace."Leave me alone.

"Chiamo la polizia."I'll call the police.

WORKMANPUBLISIDNGNEW YORKISB -13: 978-0-89480-617-9

ROOK LAND EAN

III~IIIIIIIIII~ 1I1I1 IlfII1~4~illf!'9 780894 806179

• The Taxi Driver:How to Plead, How toThreaten p. 10• Beautiful Names ofRevolting Dishes ..p. 32• Lying to Policemen:The NationalPasti me .....p. 28• Let YourHands Do theTalking p.6• Cursing aPerson's Familyfor Generationsto Come ..p. 24• MeaningfulThings to SayAbout OliveOil... ....p.36

BY HOWARD TOMB

"II sole siciliano Ieha cotto iI cervello."

The Sicilian sunhas cooked yourbrain.

WORKMAN PUBLISHING • NEW YORK

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSMany thanks to Ilaria Lemme and her family, PattyBrown, John Boswell, Michael Cader, SallyKovalchick, Carol McKeown, and Ben Stoner.

Copyright C 1989 by Howard ThmbAll rights reserved. No portion of this book may bereproduced-mechanically, electronically, or by any othermeans, including photocopying-without written permissionof the publisher. Published simultaneously in Canada byThomas Allen & Son Limited.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataTomb, Howard, 1959-

Wicked Italian.1. Italian language-Conversation and phrase

books-Humor. 2. Italy-Description andtravel-1975-Guide-books-Humor. 3. Voyages andtravels-Humor. I.Title.PN62S1.I84T66 1989 458.3'421 88-40247ISDN-13: 978-0-89480·617-9

Illustrations by Jared LeeCover and book design by Paul Hanson

Workman books are available at special discounts whenpurchased in bulk for premiums and sales promotions aswell as for fund-raising or educational use. Special editionsor book excerpts can also be created to specification. For details,contact the Special Sales Director at the address below.

Workman Publishing, 225 Varick Street, New York, NY 10014

Manufa.ctured in the United States of AmericaFirst printing June 1989

30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23

CONTENTSWELCOME TO ITALY• Welcome to Italy ..... 5• Hand-to-HandConversation 6Linguistic Disclaimer. 7

THE PRACTICALTRAVELER• Classic Border Pleas .. 8• Ending Taxi Terror .. 10Understanding YourFare 11

• Doing theLocomotion 12Note to Men 13Train Travel Tips 14

• Throwing theSwitch 15• You Can Win at HotelNegotiation 16• Fending Off GypsyCurses 18A Rose Is a Ruse 19

• The Italian PhoneSystem 20Prayer to Saint Ilaria,Virgin of Naples .... 21Italian Drugs YouMayNeed 22

• How and When toQuote Dante 23• ElementaryCursing 24

DRIVE AND SURVIVE• The Automobile: AnItalian Love Affair .... 26Prayer to Saint Lauraof Rome 27

• Lying to Policemen:The National Pastime :28• Assorted InternationalSymbols 30• Shouting in Traffic .. 31

4 WICKED ITALIAN WICKED ITALIAN 5

FOOD AND DRINK• Beautiful Names ofRevolting Dishes andVice Versa 32• Declining theImperative 34• Secrets of the ItalianCoffee Shop 35• Meaningful Things toSay About Olive Oil ... 36Your InevitableStains 37

• Your MedicalEmergency 38

THOSE FRIENDLYITALIANS• Men: Unleash the LatinLover Inside You 54• Women: Deflate theLatin Lover BehindYou 56Pet Names: Animal .. 57

• Making Love 58Pet Names:Vegetable 59

• Denying YourInfidelity 61Pet Names: Celestial.62

+EffectiveLetter-Writing 63

RELIGION, POLITICS, ANDSPORTS• Your EmergencyConfession .48• Political Discourse 50• Authentic Screamingfor Spectators 52

SHOPPING ANDSIGHT·SEEING• The Shoe and theWallet 40Prayer to SaintFerragamo .41

• Armani Versus OurMoney 42• Understanding ItalianBusiness Hours .44• Solving the Riddle ofMuseum Hours 46

WELCOME TO ITALYItalians will love you in the same way they loveagood prosciutto: They will admire your color andyour firm, lightly marbled flesh. They may evenrevel in your aroma. Then they will devour you.

And even before the last morsels of your bodyand soul have been consumed, they'll be thinkingabout the next course.

If being torn to pieces and eaten alive soundslike the perfect vacation experience, this bookwill help you choose exactly whose menu you endupon.

If you prefer instead to see a few museumsand do a little shopping, this book will help youstay out of the slaughterhouse altogether.

Wicked Italian is meant to transform you intoa complete traveler, capable of subtle understand-ing, intelligent discourse, and effective verbalassault.

WICKEDITAU,," 7

HAND·lO·HAND CONVERSATIONIn order to have the slightest chance of makingyourself understood in Italy, you need to take alittle care in pronunciation, and use a few basichand motions. Gestures clarify the underlyingmeaning of Italian phrases.

The most popular gesture is made with thefingertips of one hand drawn together, chest high,pointing skyward, while the hand makes littlebouncing motions. This gesture adds emphasis toany statement or question, such as "Ma che seiscemol" (You nitwit!) and "Grazie mille per averrovesciato il sugo sulla mia cravatta nuoua"(Thank you very much for spilling sauce on mynew tie.) Two hands are twice as emphatic as one.

One of the most famous Italian gestures, bit-ing the middle knuckle of the index finger, meanseither a) Ti spezzerei in ~due" (I'll break you in ~half) or b) "Sei tropposexy; non 1,0 sopporto"(You're too sexy; I can'tstand it). Ii_ ~~.I~

Italians have a gesture that replaces the tela-tively unwieldy British phrase "wink, wink,nudge, nudge, say no more." It can also be takento mean "very clever!' The index finger is placedjust below the eye, touching the cheek, pulling thelower eyelid down ever so slightly. "Ci capiamo,eh?" (We understand each other, eh?)

The key dinner-table gesture has the index

~ "'1"~'~Sl"~'" t1W~J!,»1iJS-.';I

-, ': r;·.~, .:s.,. .>':'&/!'',.- f+:

finger pointing into the cheek like a pistol, turn-ing back and forth. The eyes are rolled towardheaven. "Che cuocal" (What a chef!)

Every traveler needs a gesture to express gen-eral disdain. In Italy, the lower lip is extended. Aflat hand is held horizontally with the palm down-ward and brushed against the chin as if feelingwhiskers. "Non me ne importa un accidente." (Idon't give a darn.)

Now, if you can roll your r's, you're ready tobegin. Buona fortuna!

WICKED ITALIAN ,

Ah hal This Isn'tmy bag!

CLASSIC BORDER PLEAS Ah ahl Questanon e la mlavaliglalThe Italian frontier is fairly porous; innocent peo-

ple entering the country may not even see anagente di dogana (customs agent). Visitors whocarry contrabbando, however, are usually met atthe airport by some heavily armed soldiers andtheir large carnivorous dogs.

Ah ahl KWEST-ah rwan ay lahMEE-ah uah»LEE-jahl

I'm sorry, butstrip searchesare against myreligion.

Spiaeente,ma Ieperqulsizionisono eontrariealia mlareligione.

SPEE-aJv.CHENT-ay, mahlay pair-KWEEZ-eat9-ee-OWN-aySO-noh cone-TRAR-ee-ay AH-lah MEE-ah ray-lee-JOAN-ay.

I was not at my Non ero molto inbest when the forma quandophoto was taken. ho falto la foto.

Noon AlR-ohMOLE-toh eenFORM-ahKWAN-dohohFAH-tohlahFOH-toh.

What's thatrubber glovelflashlight for?

A cosa servequel guanto digommaRampada?

Ah COZE-ahSAIR-vay kwellGWON-toh deeGOME-ahJlomm-POD-ah?

I have nothing to Non ho nulla dadeclare. dlehlarare.

Noan oh NOOL-ah dah DEE-kyah-RAR-ay.

Aspettl.Confesso.

Ah-SPETT-ee.Cone-FESS-oh.

Walt. I'llconfess.Well, not much,

anyway. Nicedoggie!

Beh, non molto.Bel eagno/lno/

Beh, noan MOLE-toh; Bell CON-yoh.LEAN-ohJ

I don't think youwant to look Inthere.

Non credo ehelei vagllaguarrlare aneheIi dentro.

Noon CRAY-dohkay lay VOLE· .yah gwar-DAR-ay ONK-aykeDEN-troh.

I've never seenthat before.

Non homalvlsto quella cossprima d'ora.

Noanoh myVEEST-ohKWELL-ahCOZE-ah PREE-mah DORE-ah.

WICKED ITAUAH 11

ENDING TAXI TERROR~ .. ,.~(:.:: ...

... " ."'~''''''' So this Is the Quindi, questo II KWEEN-dee,new Italian iI nuovo aereoda KWEST-oh ay eelfighter Jet! comballimento NWOH-voh ah-

italiano/ AIR-ay-oh coa~BAT-ee-MENT-ohee-talrYON-oh.

Ingenious Ingegnosa Een-jen- YOH-sahcamouflagel mimitizzazione! mee-mee-teet-ZOT-

zee-OWN-ay!

If you don't slow Se non rallenta, Say noan rah-down, I'll barf. vomito. LENT-ah,

VOME-eet-oh.

Frequent travelers to Italy are familiar with thesymptoms of Taxi Terror: feverish prayer, piercingscreams, loose bowels, and cardiac arrest.

But there is hope. Every taxi ride doesn't haveto feel like your last. Brace yourself, close youreyes, and repeat these phrases to yourself:

"This driver is a professional.""This driver knows the exact width of his car?'"This driver is accurate to within milli-

meters, even at high speeds.""This driver carries full liability insurance?'

If your vehicular hysteria is not soothed by thesemantras, or you think you're being cheated on thefare, repeat these phrases to the driver.

Please slow Ral/entf, per Rah-LENT-ee,down. favore. pair fak- VORE-

ay.

I'd like to go to Vorrel andare Vore-AY on-DAR-the train station, aI/a stazlone, ayAH-lah

not Into orbit. non vada in STOT-zee-OWN-

orblta. ay, noan VAH-dah in ORB-eel-all.

Sir, If you truly Signore, se Seen- YORE-ay,have a death veramente say VAlR-ah-

wish, I'll be vuole morire, MENT-ay VWO·lay moh-REE-

happy to oblige I'accontento. ray, lab-cone-you. TENT-oh.

WICKED ITALIAN 1:

DOING THE LOCOMOTIONMen who hope to meet Italian women on trainswill need more than body language. They'll alsoneed semiplausible opening lines, silky voices,and expensive cologne. Armed with these accou-trements, Englishmen and Americans have aslight advantage over their Italian counterparts:We are thought to be more sincere.

Traditional railway seduction begins with along conversation.

What role doesthe Catholicchurch play Inthe Italy oftoday?

Cheruol0 ha lachiesa CaltolieaIn /talla oggi?

Kay rrvOLE-ohah La key-AZE-ahcah-TOLE-e~caheen e~TA[,yaOH-jee?

How unfaithfulare Italian men,really?

Quantosonoinfedeli, inrealla, gliuemln! italian/?

Pardon me.Could yourecommend anyvineyards orrestaurants InTuscany?

Seusl, PUDIndlearmlqualche vigna 0rlstorante InToseana?

SKOO-see, pwohEEN-de~CAR-mee KWALI,hayVEEN-yahohREEST-oh-RONT-ay een toe-SKAH-nah?

How did Milansurpass Paris asthe capital offashion andcuisine?

Com'e eheMilano hasuperato Parlgiell It diventata lacapllale dellamoda e dellacue/na?

Coh-MAY kayme~LON-oh ohSOOP-air-OT-ohpah-REE-jee edayDEE-ven-TOT-ah lahCOP-e~TA['ayDELI,ahMODE-ahayDELI,ah coo-CHEEN-ah?

Tell me aboutGaribaldI.

MI raeeontl diGaribaldi.

Mee rah-CONE-tee dee gor-ee-BALD-ee.

WICKED ITAUAH 16',1' ':. 'tf' .-') -" r.~ i .j ~:"" '1.1.

}.t'~l"';oI' :i: ','r'.' ';'''~'J:~\I.. ' '::.\}-c~ f..::,,:,

THROWING THE SWITCHPeople who want to avoid getting to know theirfellow train travelers need a few pointed phraseseither to stop conversations in their tracks orderail them completely.

Do you do your Fa J suo; vest/tl Fah ee swoy ues-own tailoring? da solo? TEET-ee dah

solo?

And you cut E laglla anche ; Ay TALL-yayour own hair, suol capelli? ONK-ay ee swoytoo? cah-PEL£.ee?

Have you Lei ha accettato Lay ah AH-chay-accepted Jesus Gesti Cristo TOT-oh jay-ZOOChrist as your come II suo CREEST-ohpersonal savior? salvatore? COH-mayeel

SOO-ohSA£.uah-TORE-ay?

want to see a Vorrebbe vedere Vore-ABE-ay vay-really big boll? un vero e DARE-ayoon

proprio VAIR-ohayloruncolone? PRO-pree-oh for-

OON-coh-LOH-nay?

Lat's discuss Parliamo della Par-lee-YAH-moyour Insurance sua DELL-ah SOO-needs. assicuzazioni. ah ah-seh-coo-

zah-zee- OH·nee.

WICKED ITALIAN 17

YOU CAN WIN AT HOTEL NEGOTIATION There Is no hot Non c's acqua Noon chay OCK-

An unscrupulous hotel manager may attempt to water. The cold calda. L'acqua wah CALD-ah.

palm off an inferior room on unsuspecting tour- water Is brown. /redda e LOCK-wahmarrone. FRAID-ah ayISt_s. o~ to extract a mancia (literally, tip; actually. malvRONE-ay.

bribe) In exchange for a room by insisting that thehotel is full. Is this a towel or tun Ayoon ah-

a postage asciugamano 0 SHOOG-ahrWe made these Abblamo Ah-bee-OM-oh stamp? un /rancobollo? MON-oh ok oon

reservations six riservato sel REE-zare- VOT· FRONK-oil,.

months ago. mes/Ia. oh SAY MAY-zee BOWL-ok?fah. Four stars my Quattro stelle un KWAH-trok

Then we will Allora dormlamo Ak-LORE-ah assl More like accldente! Direi STELL-ay oon

sleep here In the nella lobby. DOR-mee-YOM- four dogs, I'd quattro cani, OTCH-ee-DENT-

lobby. ohNELL-ah sayl invece! ayl Dee-RAYLOBE-ee. KWAH-troh

CON-ee, een-

We reserved a Avevamo AH-vay- VOM-oh VAY-chayl

room with a riservato una REE-zare- VOr- Get me a taxi. M/ ch/ami unview. camera con oh OON-ah Me KYAH-mee

vista. COM-air-ah cone taxi. oon taxi.VEEST-ah.

This Is a much Questa stanza KWEST-ahThe sheets are Le lenzuola sono Lay lens-WHOA- better room. va molto meg/io. STON-zah vahstili damp. ancora umide. la SO-noh on- Thank you. GrazJe. MOLE-toh

CORE-ah OOM- MA/L-yoh.ee-day: GROT-zee-ay.

What Is that Cos'e Coze-AY kwellr Here's Questo per il KWEST-ohpairsmell? quell'odore? ohrDORE-ay? something for d/sturbo. eel dee-STAIR-

your trouble. boh:

Something Is e'e qualcosa nel Chaykwallrliving In the bagno. COZE-ah nellbathroom. B(lN-yo.

18 WICKED ITALIAN WICKED ITALIAN 19

FENDING OFF GYPSY CURSESBecause of its proximity to Eastern Europe, Italyhas more than its share of the permanent touristsknown as Gypsies. If you don't give a' zingara(Gypsy woman) money on demand, she will curseyour entire family, your rental car, your stock-broker, and your reproductive organs. Then herchildren will pick your pockets.

They usually work in pairs: One slobbers onyou, eyes crossed, while the other rummagesthrough your clothing for valuables and unusualpostcards.

The threat of a schiaffo (slap) may be enoughto disperse the urchins, but phrases are providedjust in case.

Okay,here's fifty OK, eeeo Oh kay, EK-ohcents. einqueeento lire. CHEEN-kwa~

CHENT-ohLEER-ay.

Now, leave us AI/ora, laseiaei Ah-WRE-ah,alone. In pace. LOSH-ah-chee in

PAH-chay.

Stop thlefl Alladro/ Ahl LAH-droh!

Arrest these Arrestl questi Ah-REST-eechildren. bambini. KWEST-ee bam-

BEAN-ee.

I haven't any Non ho soldl Noan. ohSOLE-coins. spleeloll. dee SPEECH-oh-

u.Now get lost. Allora, vanene. Ah-LORE-ah,

VAH-tay-nay.

On your Sulla tomba dl sooia. TOME-mother's gravel tua madre/ bah dee TOO-ah

MAH-dray!

And may the E possano I tuo; Ay POE-sah-nohrest of your dentl marcire ee twoy DENT-eeteeth rot before prima di Natalel mar-CHEER-ay

Chrlstmasl PREE-mah deenah-TALay!

WICKED ITAUAN 21

THE ITALIAN PHONE SYSTEMItalian phones are scarce and unreliable. Callersmust dial slowly, but not too slowly, spacing thenumbers evenly. Long-distance rates are simple:Each thirty-minute call costs as much as first-class airfare to the same location.

Operator? I'd Central/nlsta? Chentrah-lee-like to call New Vorrei chlamare NEEST-ah?

York. New York. Vore-AY kyah-MAR-aynewyork.

Please speak Parli pliJ PAR-leepyumore slowly. lentamente, per LENT-ah-

favore. MENT-ay, pairfah- VORE-ay.

Could I have an Pub passarmi un Pwoh poss-ARE-

Engllsh·speaklng eentralinista ehe me oon chentrah-

operator? parli Inglese? lee-NEEST-ahkay PAR-lee een-GLAZE-ay?

Are you Parla Inglese PAR-lah een-speaking English allora? GLAZE-ayah-

now? LORE-aM

How long will It Quanto e; vorra KWON-toh chee

take to get peravere la vore-AH pair ah-

through? eomun;eaz;one? VAIR-ay la coh-MOON-ee-COT-zee-OWN-ay?

f~ ....:;;:;7.'l.~~;;.f~~\'~·;:;; r ....~>;,~' ......... ~ ~~

h'X_r,,:-<f.:..'::i , r 4. »: ~' ',,,:,. {'_ .. ~~.~. / _;.,';

I can walt for Posso aspettare POE-soh ah-spet-only four days. solo quattro TAR-ay solo

glornl. KWAH-trohJOR-nee.

How much will Quanto verra a KWON-toh uair-that cost? costare? AH ah coast-AR-

ay?

Make that a A spese AhSPAZE-aycollect call. rieevente, per reech-oy- VENT-please. favore. ay, pair fah-

VORE-ay.

WICKEDITAUAH 23

HOW AND WHEN TO QUOTE DANTEDante Alighieri was not your average Florentinepoet. He was and is Italy's Shakespeare.

Natives will be flattered by non-Italian visi-tors who quote Dante. But quoting il poeta dellaDiuina Commedia (the poet of the Divine Comedy)at length is considered pompous. Better to drop afew lines in appropriate situations.

At the station entrance during a general strike:

Abandon allhope, ye whoenter here.

Lasciate ognisperanza, voiche entrate.

Losh-AH-tayOWN-yee spare-ON-za, voy kayen-TROT-ay.

After a really huge helping of pasta al pes to:There Is no Non c'e nessun Noon chay nay-greater ache maggior d%re SOON mah-JOREthan to che ricordarsi doh-LOAR-ay kayremember the de/tempo felice RE-core-DAR-see

dell TEMP-ohhappy times In nella miseria. fay-LEECH-aymisery. NELL-ah mee-

ZAIR-ee-ah.

At a passing busload of tourists tackier than thou:o foolish 0 creature Oh crayah-creatures, what sclocche, quanta TURE-ayIgnorance Is this Ignoranza e SHOKE-ay,which torments quella che KWON-tah EEN-you? v'offende? yore-ONZ-ah ay

KWELLahkayvoh--FEND-ay?

WICKED ITAUAN 26

ELEMENTARY CURSING An utter Un perfetto Oon pair-FETT-

Italian is a sharp, crisp language, and Mediterra-scoundrel, and masca/zone e oh MAH-sca/rugly, too. anche brutto. ZONE-ayay

nean tempers are hot. As a result, Italians enjoy a ONK-ayspecial expertise in cursing. BRUTE-oh.

Hurting someone's feelings is plenty of fun Complete Proprio uno PRO-pree-ohuntil he breaks your legs. As with all curses,these are best used when the subject is well out of

asshole. stronzo. oos-«earshot.

STRONE-za

Filthy paraSite. Sporeo SPORE-cohTurd. Stlonzo. STRONE-ZQ parassita. PAR-alvSEET-

ah.Cretin. Cretlno. Cray-TEEN-ok.

Hateful fool. Odioso zuccone. OH-dee-OH-sohWimp (human Larva umana. LAR-vah 00- zco-CONE-ay.larva). MON-ah.

Your father Is as Tuopadre e un TOO-oh PAH-

He Is a worm. Lui e un verme. LOO-ee ay oon smart as a pOlio. dray ay oonVAIR-may. chicken. POLE-oh.

She's brainless. lei e senza Lay ay SEN-sah May your TI possano The POE-sonrohcervello. chair-VELLoh. children have venire del flgil ven-EER-ay day

the faces of con /a faccla da FEELyee coneThey are all bad Son tutte uova Soan TOOT·ay baboons. babbuinl. lah FOTCH-ah

eggs. maree. WHOA-vah dahBOB-oo-MAR-ckay. EEN-ee.

Screw yourself. vaffanculo. VA-(onrCOOLoh.

You have no lei e uno LAY ay OON-okclass (literally, scaricatore di SCAR-ee-calv

"You're a porto. TORE-ay dee

dockworker"). PORT-oh.

WICKED ITALIAN 27

THE AUTOMOBILE:AN ITALIAN LOVE AFFAIRBecause gas is so expensive, few Italians canafford to drive Ferraris, Lamborghinis, or thelarger Maseratis. Instead, they endow their Fiatsand Alfas with features more common on exoticcars, such as delicate fuel-injection systems andimpossible-to-find parts.

Travelers who plan to drive in Italy shouldlearn a little authentic car talk in order to speakto service-station employees and mechanics.

Fill It up, please. II pleno, per Eel pee-AY-noh,favOI8. pair fah- VORE-

ay.

Premium. I need Super. Ho SOOP-air. Oh

that extra blsogno dl pili bee-ZONE-yoh

horsepower. potenza. dee pyu poh-TENZ-ah.

Only sixty-five Soltanto ollanta Sole- TONT-oh

dollars? Hell of mila? Che oh-TONT-ah

a deal. buon'affare. MEAL-aM Kaybwone ah-FAR-ay.

Oh my Godl Dh mlo Dio[ OhMEE-oh

What's that Cos', DEE-oh! Cou-AY

sickening quell'orriblle kwell ore-EEB-ee-layrocrMORE-

sound? rumore? ay?

Perhaps It's the folSe e II FOR-say ay eeltransmission! camblolmotore/ COM-bee-ohlengine/exhaust. tubo di moh- TORE-ayl

scappamento. TOO-bo deeSCAH-pah-MENT-oh.

can It be fixed? Si puiJ riparare? See pwoh ree-How long will It Quanto ci VOTTa? par-ARE-ay?take? KWON-toh chee

uore-AH?

Where may we Dove possiamo DOH-uay POE-buy train comprare de; see-OM-oh coam-tickets? blgliett! del PRAR-ay day

treno? beef,.YET-ee dellTRAIN-oh?

WICKED ITALIAN 29

LYINGm POLICEMEN: But to tell you Ma a dire II MahahDEER-

THE NATIONAL PASTIME the truth, I veTO,non stavo ay eel VAIR-oh,wasn't behind guldando 10. noan STAH-lJoh

The stupidity of carabinieri, the Italian -military the wheel. gwe~DON-dcJh

police, is so legendary that a garden slug would be EE-oh.

embarrassed to join their ranks. That was my Quel/ola era il KWELLoh/·ahNo one knows how the military finds replace- twin brotherl miD gemellolla AIR-ah eel MEE-

ments for the hundreds of officers who annually sister. mla gemella. oh jay-MELL-ohlshoot themselves with pistols they thought lah MEE-ah jay-weren't loaded, set their pants on fire, and drive MELL-ah.off cliffs in broad daylight. Yet fresh carabinieri He'slShe's out of E fuorl clna AyFWOR-eeare found, ready for long hours, low pay, and thescorn 'of an entire nation.

town this week. questa che~TAHsettimana. KWEST-ah SET-

e~MON·ah.Is there a C', qua/cosa Chay kwalf,.problem, che non va, COZE-ah kay I'll have hlmlher La IarO chlamare La far-OH kyah-oHlcer? agente? noan oah; ah» call you when quando rltorna. MAR·ay KWON·

JENT-ay? he/she returns. doh re~TORN·ah.

I thought the MI sembrava Mee sem-BRAH·light was green. che II semaforo uah. kay eel sam~ Yes, of course. st. See, NOT-ur-ahl-

fosse verde. All-fore-oh: I'll tell hlmlher natura/mente. MENT-ay.Lyee/FOSS-ay VAIR- to drive more GIiILe diriJ di Lay deer-Oil deeday. carefully. guidare piil gwee-DAR-ay

prudentemente. pyu pru-DENT-A one-way Senso unlco? SEN-soh OON- eh-MENT-ay.street? Is that Oavvero/ e~coh?Dah-sol VAIR-oh!

I am truly sorry. MI displace Mee DEE-spe~davvero. YOTCH-ay dah-

VAIR-oh.

ASSORTED INTERNATIONAL SYMBOLSAll motorists must learn to decipher basic roadsigns. But there are many obscure internationalsymbols that alert the astute driver to culturalhazards and opportunities.

PICTURESQUEOLD MENAHEAD

SAINT'S TEETHNEXT LEFT

OUTRAGEOUSPRICES

NEXT20KM

VIRGIN500 METERS

WARNING:HORNY MENNEXT10KM

SHOUTING IN TRAFFICAn epiteto (epithet) is satisfying only if the in-tended victim understands it. Visiting driversmay start their own authentic Italian shoutingmatches with these phrases.

(Note: Italian tempers are not just the stuff oflegend; they are real. Before using these lines,lock the doors and put your vehicle in gear.)

What a Jerkl Che pezzo di Kay PET-zoh deestupldol STOO-pee-doh!

What are you? Ma e pazzo? Mah ay POT-soh?Crazy?

Move that Junk Muova quel Moo-OH-vahpile, you cretinl rottame, cretlno/ kwell rohrTOM-

ay, cray-TEEN-oh!

You drive like a Guida come una GWEE-dah COH-nlnety·year·old novantenne! may OON-ahwomanl NO-vOTlrTEN-ayl

Have you 1/ sei bevuto it The say bay-swallowed your cervello? VOOT-oh eelbrain? chair- VELL-oh?

Maybe they will Speriamo ehe SPARE-ee- YOM-teach you to all'inferno Ie oh kay abl-in-drive In hell. insegnino a FAIRN-oh lay iTlr

guidare. SANE-yai,..ON-ohah gwee-DAR-ay.

WICKED ITAUAH 33~""'>lJ""""" I~:~,~(;.;t ~, ('.: .;~:;~y.:I>'~~II> ' ~,.

t.,.·i,>:::~, ~.~j(h:":}'~-:7';:

BEAUTIFUL NAMES OF REVOLTING I'm violently Sono davvero SO-noh do-VAIR-DISHES AND VICE VERSA allergic to allerglcola aile oh ah-LAIR-jee-

pickled eels. angullie sotto coh/cah. AH-layItalian chefs have some unattractive, names for aceto. on-GWEEL-ay

SOTE-oh ah-wonderful dishes. Pasta alla puttanesca, for exam- CHET-oh.ple, means "spaghetti of the slut:' so called be-cause it doesn't require hours in the kitchen. Also to stewed Ed anche agll AidONK-aySaltimbocca, a classic Roman dish that translates frogs and stumtl dl rane e AHL-yee stoo-as "jump in the mouth:' is sliced veal with Mar- reptiles of any relllli dl ognl FOT-ee dee RAH-sala, ham, and sage. Zuppa dei poveri, «soup of kind. genere. nay ay RAY-tee-the poor:' is a hearty mixture of greens, oil, lee dee OWN-yeecheese, and stale bread. JEN-ai,...ay.

Just as great dishes may have unfortunate The rabbit La lepre LahLEP-raynames, revolting dishes may sound delicious. smothered In plemontese ml PEE-rrwan-Even astute travelers can be fooled. Those with bitter chocolate rlsulta un po' TAZE-aymeedelicate sensibilities should take note of the fol- sounds a bit pesante. ree-SOOLT-ahlowing phrases, in order to recognize and decline heavy. oon poe pay-alien entrees. (Euphemism has been eliminated ZONT-ay.in the English phrases.) Excuseme, but Scusl, ma che SKOO-see, mah

which organs organl sono kay OR-gan-eePlease cut the Per placere, mi Pair pee-ah- are these? quest!? SO-noh KWEST-head off. tag/I quella CHAIR-ay, mee ee?

testa. TAL-yeeKWELL-ah You're out of Non ha pliJ Noan ahpyuTASTE-ah. grilled lamb's nessuna nay-SOON-ah

guts? cordula? core-DOOL-ah?Thank you, but Grazle, ma ho GROT-zee-ay,I had blood gla avuto una mah oh jah ah- What a pltyl Chepeccato! Kay pay-COT-oh!VOOT-oh OON-pudding for torta a/ sangue

ah TORT-ah al Perhaps the Allora, cervella Ah-LORE-ah,breakfast. per prima SAHN-gway pair brains with con i capperi. chair-VELL-ah

co/azlone. PREE-mah coh- capers, then. cone ee ca-LATS-ee-OWN- ay. PAlR·ay.

WICKED ITALIAN""..fo', ..",.~~ '1'C\~'~':{~:r. . . ~~.-DECLINING THE IMPERATIVEItalian cooks may be genuinely hurt when guestscannot eat everything they serve. They don't real-ize that people in other civilizations consume lessthan their own weight at mealtime.

When you've had your fill, you can help a cookpreserve her respect for you and for herself with afew carefully chosen phrases.

This Is the bestfood I have evertasted In my life.

Questo B IImlgl/or clbo cheabbla maiassagglato.

KWEST-oh ay eelMEAL-yoreCHEE-boh kayAH-be~yah myah-sah-JAH-toh.

I am your slave. Sona II tuaschiavo.

SO-noh eel TOO-oh skirOV-oh.

This meal hasgiven me metrictons of Joy,butI'm stuffed tothe gillS.

Questa pasta mlha data milletonnel/ate digioia, rna sanaplena fin soprala testa.

KWEST-oh PAH-stoh me ak DOT-ohMEAL-ayTONE-e[,.AH-taydee JOY-oh, maSO-noh pee-EN- .oh feen SOAP-rah la TASTE-ah:

Please. No morefood. Thank you.

Per favare. Nondatemlnlent'altro damanglare.Grazle.

Pair~VORE-0)( Noan DOT-ay-me net:-EN-TAL-trohdamorvJAR-ay.GROT-zee-ay.

WICKED ITAUAN 36

SECRETS OF THEITALIAN COFFEE SHOP~ices in a b~r, or coffee shop, differ depending onPIe c~~tomehrs posture. and geographical location.

~ ln~ t e. mysteries of this pricing systemrequires rour simple questions.

How much Is Quanto e /I calM KWON-toh ay eelcoffee standing al banca? eah-FAY allup? BONK-oM

How much If I Quanto IJ al KWON-toh ay allsit here by the tavollno?bar?

TAH-voh-LEEN-oh?

How much I quanto suI/a A,y KWON-tohseated on theterrace?

terrazza? SOOLah tare-OTZ-ah?

How much In t quanto al Ay KWON-toh allthe restaurant ris/orante REEST-oh-next door? accanto? RONT-ayah

CON-toh?

WICKED ITAUAN 37

MEANINGFUL THINGS TO SAYABOUT OLIVE OILGood Italian olive oil is so delicious that philoso-phers have cited it as proof of the existence of God.Italians take olive oil as seriously as the Frenchdo wine, and an ability to comment on olive oil isa sign of sophistication in the traveler.

This olive 011 Questo olio KWEST-oh OH-has a subtle, d'oliva e di una leo doe-LEFrvah

sweet virginity. verginita molto ay dee OON-ah

sottile, molto vair-JEEN-ee-TAH MOLE-toh

dolce. soh.TEEL-ay,MOLE-tohDOLE-chay.

One taste tells Un assagglo tI Oon ah-SAH-joeyou the olives dice che Ie olive tee DEE-chay kay

grew In full view sono maturate di lay oh-LEE-vaySO-nohMAH-

of the cathedral. fronte ad una too--ROT-aydeecattedra/e. FRONE-tay ad

OON-ah COT-ay-DRAHL-ay.

They were Sono state SO-noh STAH-

hand·plcked by raccone dalle tay rah-COLT-ay

the Blind Nuns suore cleche DAH-lay

of Tuscany. della Toseana. SWORE-ayCHECK-ayDELL-ah toe-SKAH-nah.

And cold·pressed Justbefore puberty.

Sana slatespremuteappena primadella pubert8.

So-noli STAB-iayspray-MOOT-ayah-PAiN-ahPREE-mahDELL-ah POO-bare-TAB.

Just walt untilyou taste theextra Virgin!

Ma aspetta d/assagglareque//o extraverginel

Mah ah-SPETT-ah-dee AB -sah-JAR-ay KWELL-ohEX-trahVAiR-jeen-ay.

r=============::::::f==============iii WICKED ITALIAN 31

YOUR MEDICAL EMERGENCY When should I Quandoposso KWON-doh POE-remove the rlmuovere /e soh ree-MWOH-

Explaining ailments to foreign doctors is never leeches? sangulsughe? vair-ay layeasy, and covering all medical terminology is be- sahng-gwee-

yond the scope of this book. Phrases are provided SOOG-ay?

for a restaurant setting, where Italian medical I'm afraid I don't MI displace, ma Me DEE-spee-emergencies are most likely to occur. have that much al momenta non YOTCH-ay, mah

cash at the ho tutto questa al rrw-MENT-ohIs there a doctor C'e un dottore in Chay oan doe- moment. contante. noan oh TOOT-In the house? casa? TORE-ayeen. ohKWEST-oh

CAH-zah? con.-TONT-ay.

I don't know Non capisco Noancah- Perhaps you ForsePUD FOR-say pwohwhat's wrong. cos'« che non PEACE-coh coze- could mall me spedlrmlll specf..EAR-me eel

va. AY kay noan vah. your bill. canto. CONE-toh.

He started LuI sl e LOO-ee see ay at- Isn't It too early Crede sia troppo CRAY-do SEE-drinking the atlaceato alia ahrCOT-oh AH- to administer presto per ah TROH-poh

olive 011straight. bottlglla del/'ollo lah boh-TEEL- last rites? I'estrema PREST-oh pair

d'oliva. yah dellrOH-leo unzlone? letrTRAY-mahdoe-LEE-vah. oan-zee-OWN-ay?

Then he fell over Pol ha perso I lby ah PAIR-soh Okay,okay, I'll va bene, va Vah BANE-ay,unconscious. sensl. ee SEN-see. pay upl bene, pagherol vah BANE-ay,

pahrgare-OH!Yes, It certainly 5i, e certamente See, ay CHAIR-Is good 011.Extra un buon olio. tah-MENT-ay I didn't know Non sapevo ehe Noan. sahrPAY-

virgin. Extra vergine. oan bwone DH- you accepted accetlavate la voh kay ah-lea EX-trah Mastercard. Mastercard. CHET-ah- VOT-VAIR-jee,.".ay. ay la Mastercard.

I'm happy to MI fa placere Me fah pee-ah-hear you think sentlre che sl CHAIR-ay se,.".

he'll recover. rlmetlerS. TEAR-ay kay seeriTTlrET-air-AH.

THE SHOE AND THE WALLETItaly is the undisputed arbiter of style in scarpe(footwear). Italian cobblers create shoes from theskins of an incredible variety of organisms. Colorsand materials range from basic black canvas to'Iechnicolor leather.

Dealing with shoe salespeople requires a fewsimple phrases.

Those crocodileloafers are reallybeautiful.

Quells pantofoledl coccodrillosana veramentestupende.

KWELL-ay pan-TOH-foh-lay deeCOKE-oh-DREEL-oh SO-noh VAIR-ah-MENT-aystoo-PEND-ay.

I had better buya pair beforethey're extinct.

Megllo che neprenda un paloprima cheflnlscano.

MAIL-yo kay nayPREND-ah oonPIE-yo PREE-mah kay fee-NEE-scahrnoh.

Do you have It In Ne ha dl un aUTO Nayah dee oonanother color? colore? AHIAroh cob-

LORE-ay?

The pale blueclashes with myslacks.

/I celeste stonacan I mlelpantalonl.

Eel chay-LEST-ay STONE-a.hcone ee me-AYPONT-ahrLONE-ee.

r:_: '~;:~~-:<f ...~~,.).~~;.<t;J";1IIr.1(,(~I~";ol.t.~; '1[(-"

L~.~~(,.:~.:v ~~')j~~.\....\' /:;iie5tJi :.~}}~'lt"~h-",'tj

I'll take them.By the way, howmuch are they?

Le prendo.Quanto castanopiiJ 0 meno?

Lay PREND-oh.KWON-whCOAST-ahrnohpyu oh MAIN-oil.

Fine. But let mecall my banker.

~bene. Mami/accla chlamarela mla banca.

Yah BANE-ay.Mah me FOTCH-ah kyah-MAR-aylaMEE-ahBONK-ah.

ARMANI VERSUS OUR MONEYItalian men's clothing is at the cutting edge offashion and price. But even if you can afford it, agood Italian suit is simply too stylish unless youare slim, live in Manhattan, and use mousse.People caught wearing Versace in Cincinnati usu-ally spend the night in jail.

Nevertheless, tryingon suits in a sleek littleItalian shop is an enter-taining way to waste asalesman's valuable time.

WOw.This Issome snazzysuit.

Wow. Questovestlto e divino.

Wow.KWEST·ohves-TEET-oh aydee-VEEN-oh.

Could I getwider lapels?

Fosso avere Irlsvoltl dellag/acca piligrandi?

POE-soh ah-VAIR-ay ee reez-VOLT-eeDELL-ah JOCK·ah pyuGRON-dee?

I'd like them tomeet In back.

Vorrel che siconglungesserosui dletTO.

Vore-AY kay seekon-joon-JESS-air-ob. 8001 dee-AY·troh.

Ahl This duffelbag matches thesuit.

Ahl Questasacca sllntonacon II vestlto.

Ah! KWEST-ahSOCK-ah seeeen- TONE-ahcone eel ves-TEET-oil.

Oh, this Isn't a Dh, non e una Oh; noan ayduffel bag. This sacca. Sono del OON-ah SOCK-Is a pair of pantalonl. all. SO-noh daypants. PONT-ah-WNE-

ee.

I could never Non potrel mai Noon poe- TRAYwear this suit In portare questa my por.TAH •rayMidland. vestito a KWEST-oh veil-

Midland. TEET-ohahMEED-Lon.

But I'd love to Ma sarebbe Mah sah-RAY-wear It around stupendo bay sto<rPEND-Rome. portarlo In giro oh por-TAR-Loh

perRoma. in JEER-oh pairROME-all.

Could I rent It? Fosso POE-soh no-lay-no/egg/arlo? JAR-10k?

WICKED ITAUAN 4S

UNDERSTANDING ITALIANBUSINESS HOURSEvery traveler knows that Italians keep schedulesthat are different from ours. The Wicked Travelerknows how they actually fill those schedules.

What They're What's HappeningDoing to You

9:00 Shooting espresso.10:00 On the phone at work,

making "lunch" plans.11:00 DIscussing opposite

sex with fellow em-ployee.

12:00 Pre·lunch grooming.

Woken bynoises.WOken by maid.line at bank is evenwider than It Is long.Car rental clerks chat·ter endlessly amongthemselves.Pharmacist Invisible.

1:00 Racing to arms of Museum closed forlover. "lunch!'

2:00 Consuming enormousamounts of food.

3:00 Even more food.4:00 cappuccino In caf6.

Restaurant hasstopped serving.Egg salad sandwlc~.Meet charming stranoger In caf6. Camparibegins taking effect.

;~ ":",1'.""" ~.... J" l',"N\'>::_~f' 4~ '}

l' "':""...", ,i \ ..> I'.".~{,~'~ ;(,;.;,

5:00 StrOlling back to work. Meet charming stranoger on street.

6:00 Sweet·talklng spouse by Make eyes with bar·phone. tender, who Is on the

phone.7:00 Changing clothes at Camparl recharge Is

home. Family shouting effective, but charmingmatch. strangers are gone.

8:00 Meeting lover. Restaurant filled withtourists.

9:00 StrOlling along river. Make eyes with eherm-Ing strollers.

10:00 Quiet dinner at home. Streets deserted.

1

12:00 Retiring to separatebedroom to read.

1:00 Well·earned sleep.

WICKED "ALlAN 47~ ;\Ff~:s.<'f~M-.r#R~~r~~~~:':~~~~1't~sat~".,~~~}<}'1liI1fr(~mJt(~

SOLVING THE RIDDLE OF How long will Quanto tempo KWON-toh

MUSEUM HOURS they be on staranno In TEMP-oh star-strike? sclopero? ON-oh een

The museum hours published in guide books areSHOW-pai,...oh?

almost totally useless. Ifa museum chiude (closes) Is It true that the t vero che II Ay VAIR-oh kayat 1:00 P.M., it means that at 12:45 the building renovation restauro e eel res~OW-rohwill be empty and the employees will already be began In 1954? comlnclato nel ay cob-meet»home eating lunch. Of course, there will never be mille novecento CHOT-oh nell

a schedule for strikes, renovations, whims, or acts clnquantaquatlro? MEALay

of God.NOVE-ay-CHENT-oh

Why Is the Ma perche echee","KWONT-

Mahpai,...KAY a~KWAH-troh?museum closed chluso /I museo ay CUE-soh eeltoday? oggJ? moo-ZAY-oh OH- Ah, the 0, I'Imprendltore Oh, lim-PREND-

jee? contractor Is the e /I nlpote del ee-TORE-ay ay

Who the hell Is Chi dlavolo e cardinal's cardlnalel eel nee-POTE-ayKey dee-All-voh- nephewl dell car-dee-

Saint Santa 10h ay SAHN-tah NALay!Flammetta? FJammetla? fee-a~MET-ah?

We Justwant to Vogl/amo Vole-YAH-mohOne ecstatic Una sola vlsione OON-ah SO-lah see the soltanto vedere sole-TONT-oh

vision and she estatlca ed ha VEEZ-ee-OWN- Madonna. la Madonna. vay-DARE-ay lah

gets a national avuto un glorno ayay-STOT-ee- ma~DOAN-ah.

holiday? fest/vo kah aid ah a/r;- Please. We're In Per lavare.VOOT-ohoon Pair f~VORE-naz/onale? JOR-noh fes~EE- love. Slama ay. See-YA-mo

voh NOTS-ee-o~ Innamaratl_ EEN-~more-NALay? AH-tee.

Why Is the Ma perchell Mahpai,...KAY Oh, thank you so 0, graz/e mille. Oh, GROT-zee-aymuseum closed- museD e chluso eel mo(}-ZAy..oh much. We'll Non la MEALay. Noan.

tomorrow? domanl? ay CUE-soh doh» never forget you. dlmenticherema lah dee-MENT-MAH-nee? mal. ee-care-Ay..moh

my.

WICKED ITALIAN 41,.:. ~~·f1''''IJo'''''" ...~~f'-v#~,;,«~.....,.-;" t.R "',", "~$1'';f~,~L. :..;..';.:".....»......1;;.:1 ":;..:.:i~~,'·:p"::'/!1",<./ \ ,;_..' "~;"h;

YOUR EMERGENCY CONFESSION I didn't come Non sono venulo NoanSO-noh

Visitors should be warned here to be qui per rlcevere vay-NOOT-ohcongratulated, delle kwee pair ree-

that Italian priests are father. congralulazionl, CHAY-va;""ayvery different from the padre. DELlray con-ones at home. But if a GRAH·too-LOT-confession is absolutely zee-OWN-ay,necessary, there are a few PAH-dray.

phrases worth knowing. lWo Hall Marys Due AveMarie DOO-ay AH-vay

MI perdonl Mee pair-DOAN-Is a little light, sono un po' mah-REE-ay SO-forgive me don't you think? poco, non nohoonpoh

father, for I have padre, perche ee PAH-dray, crede? POH-coh, noansinned. ho peccalo. pair-KAY oh pay- CRAY-day?

COT-oh.How about a Piulloslo due Pyu TOAST-oh

It has been two Sono passa'i SO-noh pan- couple of Our Padre Noslrl? DOO-ayPAH-hoursldaysl due orelglornV SOT-ee DOO-ay Fathers, too? dray NO-stree?weekslmonthsl selllmane!mesV ORE-ay/JOR-

years since my annl dalla mla nee/SET-ee- Thank you, Graz/e,padre. GROT-zee-ay,MON-ay/MAY-last confession. ultima zee/ON-ee father. PAH-dray.confesslone. DAH-lah MEE-

ah OOIAeerrvah But I'm busy Masono MahSO-nohcon-FESS-ee- this evening. Impegnalo EEM-pain- YOT-OWN-ay. quesla sera. ohKWEST-ah

SAIR-ah.I've made love oal mlo arrlva Doll MEE-oh ah-to six womenl ho lalto I'amore REEV-oh oh Is tomorrow oomanl sera Doh-MON-eemen since my con sel donne! FAH-toh lah- night good? andrebbe bene? SAIR·ah on-

MORE-ay cone DRAY-bayarrival. uomln/. SAY DOAN-ay! BANE-ay?WHOA-me-nee.

About eight Aile olto allora? AH-lay OAT-ohYesterday. /erl. Ee-AIR-ee. then? ah-LORE-ah?

POLITICAL DISCOURSEIt's usually best to avoid sharing political views incountries where people take these things seri-ously. Fortunately for those who can't keep theirmouths shut, Italian politics aren't taken seri-ously by anyone.

Italian politicians hold office so briefly thatincluding names here would be pointless. Instead,general comments are provided.

I love Italianpolitics I

Adam la pollllcaItallanal

Fifty-eightgovernmentssince WorldWar III

ClnquantoUogoveml dallaseconda guerramondlalel

cardinals andgangsters vyingfor polltcalpowerl

Cardinali egangster che slcontendono IIpotef8 political

Porno queens InparliamenUGreaU

E stelle delporno Inparlamentolfantastical

Ah-DOOR-oh lahpoh-LEE-te~cahee-tal- YON-ah!

CHEEN-kwan-TOTE-ohgo-YAIR-nee DAH-lah say-CONE-dah GWARE-ahmoan-dee-All-lay!

Car-de~NAlreeay GANG-stairkay see cone-tend-oh-nob eelpoh- TARE-aypoh- LEE-te~co!

AySTELlraydell PORN-oheen PAR-laIvMENT-oh! Fon-TOST-te~coh!

Workers andIntellectuals Inthe same partyl

Operai eIntellettualinegll slessipartitil

WICKED ITALIAN 61

OPE-air-eye ayEEN-tay-LEH-too-AH-lay sm.yee STESS-eePOr-TEE-tee!

Just like the olddays In mycountryl

Proprio come almlel tempi!

The ItalianpOlitical systemIs the world'sfairest.

II sistemapollt/co Italianoell pliIdemocrat/co delmondo.

Sooner or latereveryone gets tobe preSident, forfifteen minutes.

Tutti prima 0 poi!anno /I.presldente, perqulndicl mlnutl.

PRO-pre~ohCOH-mayeyeme~AYTEMfleel

Eel sees-TAME-ah poh.LEE-te~coh ee-tal- YON-oh ay eel pyuday-moIvCROT-ee-coh. delMOAN-doh.

TOOT-ee PREE-mah oh pay FAH-noh eel prez-ee-DENT-ee, pairKWEEN-deetclvee me~NOOT-ee.

WICKED ITALIAN sa

AUTHENTIC SCREAMING FOR Up the ass of In cu/o alia Een COOL-ok

SPECTATORS the whalel balenaf AH-lah bah-LAIN-ah!

Italians hate to die on Saturday, because it means Hope he doesn't Speriamo che SPARE-ee- YOM-they have to miss Sunday's calcio (soccer) match. fartl non scoreggll ok kay noonCalcio enthusiasts are loud and obscene, but soore-EDGE-ee!

Italian fans are, by international standards, re-strained. They kill fewer than a dozen of their 1b the referees:fellows each season. Blockheadl Se/ dl tekl Say dee tekJ

Visitors who wish to understand what is be-ing shouted at a calcio match should study the lhIltorl Tradltoref TraJvdee-TORE-following phrases. ay/

1b players of the opposition: Get some Menltl un palo MelvTEE-tee oonYouslssyl Fmc/of FROH-chohl glassesl d/ DCchla/lf PIE-oh dee OAK-

ee-AHL-eelGo home to Tornat8ne dalla TORN-ah-TAY-Mommyl mammlnsf nayDAH-lah Snakel Serpenlel Sai,...PENT-ayl

mah-MEAN-ahlWhose payroll Ma chi I'hs Mah key tah pah»

You play like an Glochl da cane JOKE-eedah are you on? pagalo? GOT-oh?old dogl vecchio I CON-ay VECK-

ee-oh!

1b the home team:Into the mouth In bocca allupol Een BOKE-ah alof the wolfl WOP-ohl

May the wolf Crepillfupo/ CRAY-pee eel ®/dlel WOP-ohl'j:'.~ .

-

WICKED ITALIAN 66

MEN: UNLEASH THE LATIN LOVER Your name Is II luo nome Eel TOO-oh

INSIDE YOU like an ageless suona aile mle NOH-mayaria to my ears. orecchle come SWONE-ah AH-

'Ib compete with the natives, non-European men una melodia lay MEE-ay oh-

must know two things: Italian men are willing to senza eta. RECK-ee-ay

exaggerate beyond all the bounds of reason, andCOH-may OON-ah may-lohrDEE-

women are willing to believe them. yah SEN-sah ay-

Sometimes. TAH.

I have never Non homal Noan oh my What? This man Checosa? Kay COZE-ah?

known love until conoscluto CONE-oh- Is your Ouello ~ luo KWELL-ohay

now. I'smore fino ad SHOOT-ok la- husbandl? marltol? TOO-oh mah-

oggl. MORE-ay REET-ohl?FEEN-okodd You deserve Merill ben allraOH-jee. MARE-ee-tee

greater loy than glola ehe quella bane AHIArahThe profound II profondo Eel pro-FOND·oh such a man che puo dare un JOY-akkay

mystery of mlslero dl elo mee-STAIR-oh could ever Ilpo cosl/ KWELL-ak kay

whatever you che sial dlcendo dee eho kay sty provldel pwohDAR-ay

lust said sets my mllnfuoca II dee-CHEND-oh oon TEEP-oh

heart on fire.me eeTlrFWOKE- eohrSEE.

cuore. ah eel KWORE-ay. You deny our Neghll'amore NEO-ee lah-

everlasting eternol? MORE-ayay-

I will kill myself Se mllasel ml Say mee LOSH- lovel? TAIRN-oh/?

If you ever leave ueeido. ee mee 00-

me. CHEE-doh. Then at least Almeno dammlll AhlrMAIN-ohgive me your luo numero dl DAH-mee eel

Whit Is your Come tI chlaml, COH-may tee phone number, leletona, mio TOO-oh NOOM-

name, my mlo cestlno dl KYAH-mee, my heavenly sugo alia air-ob dee tay-

celestial fruit fruita celesllale? MEE-oh chee» marinara sauce. marinara. LAY-fok-noh,

basket? TEEN-oh dee MEE-oh SOOO-FROOT-ah ehay- ob:AH-lah MAR-LESS-tee..AL-ay? ee-NAR-ah.

WOMEN: DEFLATE THE LATIN LOVERBEHIND YOUAn Italian man is unlikely to be dangerous indaylight, but he might act like a caveman in frontof (or behind) women he doesn't know personally,particularly those in shorts. The wise female visi-tor arms herself with a few appropriate phrases, aspine-tingling scream, and a large pair of scissors.

Don't touch me. Non mi tocchl. Noan meeTOKE-ee.

Buzz off, garlic VIda via che sa VAH-da VEE-ahbreath. dlaflllo. kay sah. dee

AH[,yoh.

You're Fa schllo. Fah SKEE-foh.disgusting.

The Sicilian sun /I sole siciliano Eel SOLE-ay see-has cooked your Ie ha cotto II cheel-YON-oh laybrain. cervello. hah COAT-oh eel

chair- VELLoh.

Not If you were Neanche se lei Nay-ONK-ay saythe last man on fosse I'unlco lay FOSS-ayearth. uomo sulla LOON-ee-coh

terra. WHOA-mohSOO-lah TAlR-ah.

Filth I Sporeol SPORE-coh!

Leave me a'one. Mllascl in pace. Mee LOSH-ee inPOTCH-ay.

You've got a lot Lei ha molta LayahMOLE-of clw. classs. ClaSH tah KLOSS-ay.Working class. proletarla. KLOSS-ay PRO-

leh-TAR-ee-ah.

"II call the Chlamola KYAH-moh lahpOlice. po/lzla. poh-leet-SEE-ah.

Helpl Alutol Eye-YOU-toh!

WICKED ITALIAN 69

DAY-vee ess-a»ay pyu BELL-ahnell oh-SKOOR- La cena eraee-TAH. Lah CHAIN-ah

squlslta. Cosa AIR-ah

Gra-DEESH-eeC'e per dessert? SQUEEZE-ee-

tah. COZE-ahoon com-PAR-eel chay pair dess-kee-YONT-ee? AIRT?

Vay-REST-ee ak Would you like 11piacerebbe The pee-OTCH-CHAIN-ah cone to see my vedere Ie mle air-ABE-ay vay-may? sculptures? scunure? DARE-aylay

MEE-ay skoo~MEE-ah MOLE- TURE-ay?yay ay grcrSEES-ee-mah aid ay May I show you Possomoslrartl POE-soh moh-pee-EN-ah dee my obelisk? II mio obelisco? STRAR-tee eelPORR-ee. MEE-oh OH-bay-

LEES-coh?NoanmeeAH-mahpyu. Take off your Spogllatl. SPOLE-yalvtee.

clothes. (CONTINUED)

MAKING LOVEThe following phrasesare provided for the manwho wishes to masterthem, and for the womanwho wishes to recognize them.

You lookbeautiful In thecandlelight.

5ei bella al Say BELL-ahlume di candela. AH-lah LOO-

may dee con-DEL-ah.

You must beeven morebeautiful In thedark.

Owl essere pilibellanell'oscurlta.

WOuld you like aCamparllsomeChianti?

Gradlscl unC8mparllChiantI?

Will you Join mefor dinner?

Verrestl a cenacon me?

My wife Is veryfat, and hasmany warts.

Mia moglle egrass/sslma ede plena dl pom.

She no longerloves me.

Non ml ama pili.

WICKED ITALIAN B1J~':(I:II' ,it ~- <:' ~ '~ .. '. .., ,'") ..v,~>.;. ';.<; )-. _. •••• t ~.

Takeon my Spogllaml. SPOLE-yah-mee. DENYING YOUR INFIDELITYclothes. Italians are naturally suspicious of their lovers.Youare very S8I mo/to bel/a. Say MOLE-toh Any tourist lucky enough to get embroiled inbeautiful. BELL-ah. Italian romance will need a few bold-faced lies.

Your breasts are II IUD seno e Eel TOO-oh Here are some fcco del flori. ECK-oh day fee-like melons from come i meloni SANE-ohay flowers. ORE-ee.

1\Iscany. loscani. COH-mayeemay-LONE-ee Sorry I'm late. Scusa II rilardo. SCOO-sah eeltoe-SKAH-nee. ree-TARn-oil.

Hug me. Abbracclaml. Ah-BROTCH-ah- But I love only Ma amo solo te, MahAH-mohmee. you, my sweet. dolcezzamla. SO-loh ta~ dole-

CHETS-ah-MEE-Kiss me. Baclaml. BOTCH-ah-mee. ah.

My treasure. Tesoromlo. Tay-ZORE-oh What are you Chesial Kay sty dee-MEE-oh. talking about? dlcendo? CHEND-oh?

Slower. Plu plano. Pyu pee-AH-noh. Her/Hlm? Don't lei/Lui? Ma non LAYILOO-ee?make me laugh. ml far fldef8. Mah noan mee

Faster. Plu In fretts. Pyu een FRETT- far REED-ai,...ay.ah:

I could never Non polrei mal Noon po- TRAYOh my God. Dhmlo Dla. OhMEE-oh love a womanl amare una my ah-MAR-ay

DEE-oh. man like herl donna/un uomo OON-ah DOAN-him. come lemul. ahtoon WHOA-

I love you. TI sma. Tee ah-moh; moh COH-mayLAYILOO-ee.

I will naver Non tllascerO Noon tee LOSH-leave yoU. mal. a~OHmy. ShelHe Is twenty Ha venl'annl Ah vain-TAH-nee

years youngerl menolplit di mel MAY-nohlpyu deeolder than I ami may!

(CONTINUED)

WICKED ITAUAH 83

Her breasts are Le sue telte LaySOO-aymuch too large sono troppo TET-ay SO-noh

tfor my taste. grandl per I mlel TROH-pohgust/. GRON·dee, pair

Iee mee-AYGOOSE-tee.

You know I don't Lo sal che non Loh sigh kaylike macho men. mi placclono I noan mee pee- lmaschlonl. OTCH·oh-noh ee

MASK-ee-OWN-ee.

Besides, shelhe Perdl pili e Pair dee pyu ayIs married. sposato/a. sJ»ZOT-oh/ah.

You're Imagining Tu sognl. Tho SOAN-yee.things.

EFFECTIVE LETTER·WRITINGSeasoned tourists always send biglietti di grazie<thank-you notes) to their hosts and drop cards topeople they meet during their adventures. Theseare the travelers who are invited to stay in thehomes of natives. They have richer cultural expe-riences and lower hotel bills.

Letters and cards are more effective when theauthor makes a sincere attempt to use the nativelanguage. The following are phrases commonlyneeded in this type of correspondence.

Dear JohnlMartha, Carola GlovsnnVMartlna,

It was a great pleasure tomeet you.

E stato un vero placereIncontrartl.

Your entire family Iswonderful.

JUlia la tua famlglla efantast/ca.

I've never heard so muchshoutlngl

Non ho mal sentito urlarecos; tanto/I

tI admire the Italianpassion for debate.

Ammlro la passloneitaliana per Ie dlscussioni.

Sorry about the tomatosauce episode.

Mi dispiaee per I'ineidentedella pommarola.

I hope the stains cameout.

Spero che Ie macchiesiano venute via.

(CONTINUED)

84 WICKED ITALIAN

That grappa was thesmoothest rocket fuel I'veever tasted.

Ouel/a grappa era iIcarburante piiJ morbidoche abbia mai assaggiato.

Sorry If my pope Jokesoffended anyone.

Scusaml, S6 /I miD scherzosuI papa ha offesoqualcuno.

I admit that the one aboutthe blind virgin was Inpoor taste.

Ammeno ChBquello suI/averglne cleca era dlcanlva gusto.

Sorry about yourparentalspouse catchingus In the act.

MI displace che i tuolgenitorihuo marlto clabblano/cl abbla sorpresosui pili bello.

By the way, I don't believethe baby Is mine/you'llsoon be a father.

A proposilo, non credo cheiI bambino sia mio/prestosarai padre.

I miss you very much. Ma e linita tra di noi.

But It's over between us. Ma e linito tra dl nol.

Yours truly, (Your name) Caramente, (your name)