“When I Call for Help” A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against

Women

A Statement of the U.S. Catholic Bishops

“In the beginning, I was young…he was handsome. He said I was beautiful, smart, worthy of love… made me feel that way.

And so we were married, walking joyfully together down a church aisle, our union blessed by God.

Then came the angry words… the verbal tearing apart… Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love, God’s

or man’s.”

An Overview of Domestic An Overview of Domestic ViolenceViolence

Domestic ViolenceDomestic Violence is any kind of behavior is any kind of behavior that a person uses to control an intimate that a person uses to control an intimate partner through fear and intimidation. partner through fear and intimidation.

It includes physical, sexual, psychological, It includes physical, sexual, psychological, verbal and economic abuse. verbal and economic abuse.

Examples include battering, name calling and Examples include battering, name calling and insults, threats to kill or harm one’s partner insults, threats to kill or harm one’s partner or children, marital rape, or forced abortion. or children, marital rape, or forced abortion.

“Next came the beatings… unrelenting violence.. unceasing pain. I shouldn’t stay, but this is my husband…promised forever. He says I deserve it… maybe I do… if I could just be good. I feel so alone… doesn’t God hear me ?”

An Overview of Domestic An Overview of Domestic Violence (Cont’d)Violence (Cont’d)

WHY MEN BATTERWHY MEN BATTER Men who abuse Men who abuse

generally share some generally share some common common characteristics. They characteristics. They tend to be jealous, tend to be jealous, possessive and easily possessive and easily angeredangered. .

Hold a view of Hold a view of women as inferiorwomen as inferior

Alcohol and DrugsAlcohol and Drugs

WHY WOMEN WHY WOMEN STAYSTAY

FearFear : : for for themselves, for their themselves, for their children, fear that children, fear that they cannot support they cannot support themselvesthemselves

Religion: Resource or Religion: Resource or RoadblockRoadblock ??

As a resource, religion encourages As a resource, religion encourages women to resist mistreatmentwomen to resist mistreatment

As a roadblock, its misinterpretations As a roadblock, its misinterpretations can contribute to the victim’s self can contribute to the victim’s self blame and suffering to the abuser’s blame and suffering to the abuser’s rationalizations. rationalizations.

Religion: Resource or Religion: Resource or RoadblockRoadblock ?? A correct reading of Scripture leads to an understanding of A correct reading of Scripture leads to an understanding of

the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships based on mutuality and love. based on mutuality and love.

Husbands should love their wives as they love their Husbands should love their wives as they love their own body, as Christ loves the Church.own body, as Christ loves the Church.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the abuse or Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending it did not happen. Forgiveness is not pretending it did not happen. Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. permission to repeat the abuse.

An abused women’s suffering is not punishment An abused women’s suffering is not punishment from God. This image of a harsh, cruel God runs from God. This image of a harsh, cruel God runs contrary to the biblical image of a kind, merciful, contrary to the biblical image of a kind, merciful, loving God. loving God.

No person is expected to stay in an abusive No person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. We encourage abused persons who marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulmentseeking an annulment

First Responders: First Responders: Priests, Deacons and Lay Priests, Deacons and Lay

MinistersMinisters Intervention by Church ministers has Intervention by Church ministers has

three goals: three goals:

1.1. Safety for the victim and childrenSafety for the victim and children2.2. Accountability for the abuserAccountability for the abuser3.3. Restoration of the relationship ( if Restoration of the relationship ( if

possible) or mourning over loss possible) or mourning over loss

First Responders: First Responders: Priests, Deacons and Priests, Deacons and Lay Ministers Lay Ministers

First responders: First responders: • Listen to and believe the victim’s storyListen to and believe the victim’s story• Help assess the danger to oneself and childrenHelp assess the danger to oneself and children• Refer to counseling and other specialized Refer to counseling and other specialized

servicesservices

It is important to note that when dealing with It is important to note that when dealing with people who abuse, church ministers need to people who abuse, church ministers need to hold them accountable for their behavior. hold them accountable for their behavior. Couple counseling is not appropriate, and can Couple counseling is not appropriate, and can endanger the victim’s safety. endanger the victim’s safety.

What You Can Do to HelpWhat You Can Do to Help For Abused WomenFor Abused Women You are not alone, and help is You are not alone, and help is

available for you. available for you. Talk in confidence to someone Talk in confidence to someone

you trust.you trust. Set up a plan of action to ensure Set up a plan of action to ensure

your safety. your safety. Find out about resources in your Find out about resources in your

area, such as your diocesan area, such as your diocesan Catholic Charities office or family Catholic Charities office or family life office. life office.

National Domestic Violence National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE, provides Hotline: 800-799-SAFE, provides crisis intervention and references crisis intervention and references to local services. to local services.

For Men Who For Men Who Abuse Abuse

Admit that abuse is your Admit that abuse is your problem, and begin to believe problem, and begin to believe that you can change your that you can change your behavior if you choose to do so. behavior if you choose to do so.

Be willing to reach out for help.Be willing to reach out for help.

The Church is available to help The Church is available to help you. you.

Find alternative ways to act Find alternative ways to act when you become frustrated or when you become frustrated or angry. angry.

When I Call For Help: A PrayerOne source of healing that we have in our lives as Christians is

prayer.

Listen, God to my prayer; Do not hide from my pleading

Hear me and give answer. If an enemy had reviled me,

That I could bear; If my foe had viewed me with contempt,

From that I could hide. But it was you, my other self,

My comrade and friend, You, whose company I enjoyed,

At whose side I walkedIn procession in the house of God.

But I will call upon God,And the Lord will save me.

At dusk, dawn and noonI will grieve and complain

And my prayer will be heard.

What You Can Do To What You Can Do To Help.. For Pastors and Help.. For Pastors and

Pastoral StaffPastoral Staff Include information about Include information about

domestic violence and local domestic violence and local resources in parish bulletins, resources in parish bulletins, newsletters and websitesnewsletters and websites

Place copies of this brochure and Place copies of this brochure and other information about domestic other information about domestic violence in women’s restroomviolence in women’s restroom

Keep an updated list of resources Keep an updated list of resources Find a staff person or volunteer Find a staff person or volunteer

to receive in depth trainingto receive in depth training Provide training to all church Provide training to all church

ministers on domestic violenceministers on domestic violence Participate in “Domestic Violence Participate in “Domestic Violence

Awareness Month” (October)Awareness Month” (October)

Use liturgies to draw attention Use liturgies to draw attention to violence and abuseto violence and abuse

Describe what abuse is so that Describe what abuse is so that women recognize what's women recognize what's happening to themhappening to them

Identify violence against Identify violence against women as a sin in parish women as a sin in parish reconciliation services reconciliation services

Ask direct questions if you Ask direct questions if you suspect abusesuspect abuse

Have an action plan in place Have an action plan in place incase an abused women calls incase an abused women calls on you for helpon you for help

Discuss domestic violence in Discuss domestic violence in marriage prep. sessionsmarriage prep. sessions

ConclusionConclusion

““Finally came the release, the Finally came the release, the realization. Its not me, it’s him... realization. Its not me, it’s him... I am worthy of love, God’s and I am worthy of love, God’s and man’s” man’s” - A battered wife- A battered wife