THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDSOffering friendship and understanding to Bereaved Parents, Siblings and

GrandparentsJohannesburg Chapter

July 2018TCF Centre Address: 122 Athol Street Highlands North Johannesburg 2192

E-mail: tcfsa@mweb.co.za Fax: 086-203-2355Website: www.compassionatefriends.co.za

Telephone (011) 440-6322 P O Box 323 Highlands North 2037

In This Issue:Editorial

Birthdays

Anniversaries

100 years of calling for children

When it Rains it Pours

Remembering

Warning: Grief Side-Effects May Include Building Emotional Walls

Loving My Son, After His Death

Meetings

Contacts

Dear Friends

Fences and walls, palisades and boom gates – these are common features of our modern suburbs. We try to keep the ‘baddies’ out and lock ourselves inside in the hope we’ll be safe and secure this way. It applies to our homes, our lives and our grief.

It’s natural to want to retreat from the pitying looks and senseless advice as much as from the severe judgements and harsh stares. When faced with that what better response than to walk away and find somewhere quiet and non-threatening to allow us to get on with this seemingly never-ending cycle of grief. Self-preservation in times of physical and emotional danger must take precedence and few times are more perilous than in the aftermath of the death of a beloved child/sibling/grandchild.

While it is important to protect ourselves when necessary it is equally important to know when to lower our defences and welcome others into our spaces. Too often we rebuff our family, friends, colleagues and neighbours who care for us and wish to offer their gifts of understanding and support. True, some of their efforts may be clumsy but their intentions are sincere. We are hyper-sensitive in mourning and finding the grace to accept the ineptness of others is extremely trying, but Oh how rewarding it is to let the barriers down and find solace in talking to sympathetic ears and leaning on helpful shoulders.

When I look back on my own early days of bereavement I realize I turned away from many who would have consoled and accepted me. For too long I battened down the hatches and thought I’d do it all on my own. Now I know differently.

“Retreat” doesn’t only mean withdrawal, it refers to a place and time for contemplation and re-evaluation, both of which are essential to the eventual ways in which the bereaved manage the pain of loss and the use the lessons learnt to find new meanings and purpose for themselves. Soul searching is difficult and daunting but I don’t know how we can eventually survive our tragedies without heartfelt and honest assessment of ourselves and our concerns. Finding that place of sanctuary we long for only comes after this process.

I hope that it won’t be too long before you feel you can unlock some doors when applicable and let in love and compassion.With loveRosemary Dirmeik“A String of Pearls” is available from the office – written by Rosemary Dirmeik

Non-Denominational Self-Help Organization * FOUNDERS: Reverend Simon Stephens (England)Linda Abelheim (SA) Reg. No. 001-308 NPO * PBO No930000335 * Fund Raising No.011004490007

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The National Lotteries Commission relies on funds from the proceeds of the National Lotteries. The Lotteries Act guides the way in which NLC funding may be allocated. The intention of NLC funding is to make a difference to the lives of all South Africans, especially those more vulnerable and to improve the sustainability of the beneficiary organisations. Available funds are distributed to registered and qualifying non-profit organisations in the field of charities; arts, culture and national heritage and sport and recreation. By placing its emphasis on areas of greatest need and potential, the NLC contributes to South Africa’s development.

The Executive Committee – This time every year we start calling for nominations for people to serve on our Executive Committee to give people time to think about how they would like to help TCF. The role of the Executive Committee is a very important one. The AGM will be held in August and nominations need to be in by July please. If you think you would be interested and would like to find out more, please contact Debbie at 011 440 6322. Thank you

100 years of caring for children

The Children’s Memorial Institute, Johannesburg’s first hospital dedicated to children, was a fitting location for the launch of child protection week on 27 May. Compassionate Friends (TCF) joined a number of organisations, including Women and Men Against Child Abuse, Courage Child Protection, Lefika la Phodiso, The Shaken and Abused Baby Initiative and Community Hours, to remember all children who have died over the past 100 years in Johannesburg.

Although no longer a hospital, the Children’s Memorial Institute is now home to over 30 child protection organisations and care facilities. It is the heartbeat of central Johannesburg's community and continues to serve 100 years after its creation, as a living memorial to the children of Johannesburg who died in the Great War.

The day started with the creation of a living memorial in the Ruth Drubin Memorial Garden at the Children’s Memorial Institute. Candles were lit, incense was burned, children and adults attached loving notes to children who have died on the wall amongst the exquisite TCF butterflies that our members had spent the previous few weeks creating.

After a time of contemplation in the garden, we moved to the memorial hall where Luke Lamprecht, the event organiser, recited the lines of a Leonard Cohen Poem….

“So many hearts I find, broke like yours and mine,Torn by what we have done and can't undo”

Compassionate Friends represented by Isobel Ferreira, Cordelia Job (#notinourcommunity) and Kate Shand all spoke and remembered children lost to drugs, violence, suicide and illness.

As part of the day’s events, there was an exhibition of portraits and plaques honouring, and giving a face to the children and babies who have died with no champion to remember them.

It was a heart-wrenching day of grief and pain and loss – a shared cry from the hearts of parents who loved and lost their children, and from the children who died at the hands of their caregivers through neglect and/or violence. We hope this will become an annual event that TCF and our butterflies in the memorial garden will multiple and delight those who visit.

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When it Rains It Pours https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/

The other day we posted on the blog about  different types of grief  and we got a great comment pointing out a grief type we hadn’t mentioned, cumulative grief. The commenter said “I read something a little while ago on cumulative grief, where people have experienced loss after loss. Do you have any info on that?”  I started typing a response to the comment and it quickly went well beyond the length for an appropriate comment reply. Brevity is not always my strong suit.There are several expressions in English that reflect the idea that when one tragic thing happens other tragic things sometimes follow: “When it rains it pours” (or in British English, “it never rains but it pours”) and some people believe “bad things come in threes”. I started wondering if this idea (and corresponding idioms) existed in other languages. Luckily a quick “phone a friend” to Google provided some quick answers. Turns out those in the English-speaking world are not alone.In Hebrew, the phrase is “Bad things come in packages”.In Swedish, German, Spanish, French and a bunch of others, “misfortune seldom comes alone”.In Latin, “troubles are followed by troubles” and “the abyss attracts the abyss”.In Polish, “misfortunes walk in pairs”.In Japanese, “when crying, stung by a bee”.In Chinese, “good fortune never comes in two; bad luck never comes alone”.In Russian, “when troubles come, leave the gate open”.Kind of a downer to see all these expressions for such a painful phenomenon, but I guess on the bright side it shows we are not the first to be overwhelmed by multiple losses (I know I know, a tough sell to find the bright side there, but I figured I’d give it a try). As wonderful as it would be to pretend that every time we suffer a loss we have time to process that loss and integrate it into our lives before we suffer another loss, these idioms found in languages around the world point to the sad fact that it is simply not the case. It is all too common that a death is followed by another death. Pain is piled on pain; fear on fear; the abyss on the abyss. This experience of suffering a second loss before one has grieved the initial loss is sometimes known as “cumulative grief”, “bereavement overload” or “grief overload”.I can hear your question already: when another loss arises, how can you possibly know if you have “grieved the initial loss”? This is a tough question because grief is so individual for all of us. There is no checklist or timeline that works for everyone, as we have said time and time again. But one thing that is common to the  many different grief theories   out there and to the personal experiences of so many grievers is that grief requires time. Be it stages, tasks, or processes, we need time to attend to each loss. If we don’t have the time we need before another loss occurs, we end up overwhelmed by these multiple losses and unable to give them the attention they need.When we become overwhelmed by anything our mind kicks into an incredibly powerful defence mechanism, which is avoidance. There can be an inclination toward avoidance when experiencing just one loss, so it is not surprising that this inclination grows when losses are compiled on one another. Though avoidance, denial, and shock may seem like a really bad thing (and it can be if it is never resolved), it can be our body’s way of keeping us functioning in the short term. When we are overloaded with multiple losses, this avoidance allows us to maintain our day to day activities. What becomes important when losses have become cumulative is an awareness that we may need to make a concerted effort to begin the work of facing the reality of the loss, as this avoidance can’t continue indefinitely.Unfortunately, there is no magic answer for how to cope with cumulative grief. If you have suffered multiple losses, either all at once or before integrating the previous loss, some important things to remember are:1) Be aware of the risk of cumulative loss/grief overload. Knowing is half the battle! Just being aware that multiple losses in a short period poses unique challenges and can put you at risk for a grief process that is especially complicated is important. Cumulative losses do put us at higher risk for prolonged grief. If you are worried your grief is no longer ‘normal’ check out our post on normal vs not-so-normal grief. And don’t panic – even if your grief is more complex, there is help out there!

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This page is sponsored in loving memory of Brendon Ruiters by Jacqueline Becker (Nee Ruiters)

2) Be sensitive to other friends or family members who have suffered multiple losses and are at risk for cumulative grief . When we lose someone we become absorbed in our own way of grieving. We can find it difficult to deal with people who are grieving differently. Being sensitive to the differences between all grievers is important. This sensitivity can be especially important when someone faces the unique challenges of cumulative grief.3) Be aware of the increased possibility of avoidance or denial in instances of cumulative grief . To make it through, one day at a time, you may find yourself more prone to avoidance than you have ever been in the past. This can also increase your risk of alcohol or drug use, as these substances can be tempting to numb pain. Maintain an awareness that you must ultimately grieve both (all) of the losses. Professional support may be a good idea if attending to the grief of these losses is feeling impossible.4) Keep in mind that time is not the only factor in cumulative grief. Though it may be tempting to assume that bereavement overload only occurs when deaths occur in immediate succession, this is not the case. A loss that was never fully attended to years before can be brought back up by a new loss and can be overwhelming.5) Substance abuse can increase the risk for cumulative grief. When abusing drugs or alcohol, people are prone to avoid grieving. Using drugs or alcohol to numb grief can result in never fully grieving losses. This means that when a person stops using drugs or alcohol they may face multiple losses that they failed to grieve over the course of years or even decades. Once someone stops using drugs or alcohol they may find themselves facing multiple losses from the past that they avoided with substances, and hence experiencing grief overload.6) Age can increase the risk for cumulative grief. As individuals progress into their 70s, 80s, and 90s they may find themselves experiencing the deaths of friends and family members more regularly than earlier in life. This can put them at a higher risk for cumulative grief. This is without even considering the other losses they are prone to, like loss of home, independence, and identity, as well as the fact that their grief may be minimized by society if those they lose are elderly (read about disenfranchised grief here). Due to a stigma around seeking professional support, some people in this age group may still have a strong aversion to seeking counselling. A little therapy never hurt anyone, but if therapy doesn’t seem like the right fit, seeking other types of grief expression and exploration is important for people in this age group.7) Grief is as unique as each person we lose, so we cannot rush grieving multiple losses. Though it can be tempting to think that grief is grief, and we can lump our grief work together if we have multiple losses in a short period, the reality is that we must grieve ever loss individually. Grief is not generic to any loss but is specific to each person we lose, our relationship with that person, and the circumstances of that loss. Attention must be spent on each loss in order to integrate them into our lives.’8) Cumulative grief can put a greater strain on our faith. One devastating loss can be difficult enough and can cause us to question our faith in a higher power. When someone suffers multiple losses, this feeling can increase. People can begin to feel they are being punished (remember Job?), have a harder time resolving a benevolent God with all the pain they have seen and felt, or struggle with repeatedly experiencing ‘bad things happening to good people’. This is certainly not true in every case of grief overload. Many will continue to find strength in their faith (again, remember Job?), but it is important to know it is normal if your faith shakes as a result of grief overload.9) It is important for hospital, hospice, and other healthcare professionals to be aware of cumulative grief. Like compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma, the experience of building relationships (even professional relationships with appropriate boundaries) with patients and repeatedly experiencing the death of those patients can take a toll on healthcare providers. Though the grief of professionals may take a different form than friends and family, it is important for professionals to grieve these losses to avoid developing an unhealthy avoidance or detachment. Check out some info on self-care that isn’t totally unrealistic.If you have had multiple losses, pretty, pretty please consider some professional support. Just give it a try. You may be surprised by how much it helps. When you are already emotionally and physically exhausted from the pain of one loss, it can only help to seek support when more losses pile on. If that truly doesn’t feel right for you, consider other ways to attend to each of your losses. Learn about grief. Find a friend or family member to talk to. Write or journal. Find a creative outlet, like art or photography. Join a support group. Just make it something that works for you and that will allow you the opportunity to deal with each of these losses. And remember, even if the abyss attracts the abyss, tomorrow is a new day and hope springs eternal.

Remembering – Kate Shand

I didn’t scream when you were bornYou birthed too easily and gentlyThere was no needJust joyAnd amazement that you were a boyThe midwives ran a bath for usThey brought you to me all naked and slipperyWe floated together peacefully in the glow of warm water Protected from the brittle cold Johannesburg night

Fourteen years laterI didn’t I couldn’t hear the words“You are dead”But I saw the faces of your sisters huddled shell-shocked at the gateAnd of Fikile and Grace standing so sad at the front doorYour father head in hand on the phoneAs I fell out of my carAnd screamed so the gods would hearAs I lay dismembered on the lawn

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Those last few weeks before you leftI kept remembering to you your beautiful perfect birthOf how easily you slipped into this worldHardly making a soundI didn’t know that you were planning to goNot cognitivelyBut a mother’s intuition was whispering to meYou were born my boyIn this remarkable wayI was trying to say you are loved

You are alive I was trying to say to get you to stay

But you’d already made up your mindImagined a planWritten a listPacked your bagYou left without making a soundWhile my scream is still out there Bouncing off stars as it echoes through galaxiesTrying to find youTo hold on to youAs I remember today your perfect birth

Warning: Grief Side-Effects May Include Building Emotional Walls LITSA WILLIAMS

“Grief is the price we pay for love”.   ~ Queen Elizabeth

Until you lose someone, you may not really “get” the love-grief connection thing.  Or you maybe get it intellectually, but you don’t get it emotionally.  Then one day it hits you like a ton of bricks. You realize that when you love someone so deeply and entirely, losing that person means losing pieces of yourself, and it means your world-shattering.  Grief is in many ways the price we pay for love, they do grow from the same seeds, and as beautiful as that can sound, in especially dark moments that connection can be dangerous.On your worst days the realization that the source of the deepest, most unimaginable pain you have ever felt is there because you loved someone so deeply, can be scary.  Really, really scary.  It means that any deep love you experience can also be the source of deep pain and loss.  It is human nature to avoid and protect ourselves from pain, so what are we supposed to do when we realize that opening ourselves to love means opening ourselves up to pain?For some of us, the self-protective instinct kicks in and suddenly, standing in the rubble of grief and loss, we just want to protect ourselves from every feeling pain like this again. So we start stacking that rubble up around us until we’ve built a wall. It is a wall built on the sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious, thought: “If grief is the price we pay for love, it isn’t a price I am willing to pay.”Distancing yourself from love can take different shapes, but some common experiences are:1. Distancing yourself from the people who are already in your life that you love and care about.2. You refuse to open myself up to new people, for fear you will ultimately just end up being hurt.3. You detach from the world around you in general, becoming emotionally numb to avoid setting yourself up to care about something and lose it.It is human nature to avoid pain, so no judgment if this is something that has been part of your grief.  It doesn’t impact everyone, but it certainly impacts some.  If you realize love can, down the road, be a source of not just a little pain, but A LOT of pain, it is no surprise you may develop an instinct to avoid love.  Just reading those words – “avoid love” – is hopefully an indication of why these emotional walls can be problematic.  Yes, they emotionally protect you from grief.  But they also keep you from having connections, intimacy, hope, joy, and so many other things that make life meaningful.   So what’s a griever to do?

Address Emotional WallsTactic One: Remember, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.You can take it slow.  For example, after losing a baby (or sometimes multiple babies) to miscarriage or stillbirth, it isn’t uncommon to build a wall and say “I am never trying again” from a place of self-protection.  If you have decided to look at walls you may have built, it doesn’t mean overnight saying, okay, I am going to try to get pregnant again.  It may mean saying, I am going to open myself to the idea or possibility.  I am not going to say “I will try”, I am not going to say “I will not try”.  Instead, I will not rule anything out, I will do some self-reflection and slowly ease into decisions on how to move forward to make sure they are not part of a problematic emotional wall.Tactic Two: Address avoidance.Sometimes you don’t even realize you have been avoiding people, places, or things. Addressing avoidance requires a little self-assessment.  If you have been creating distance between people and things that were meaningful to you before your loss, take some time to reflect on what that is all about.  It isn’t always about an emotional wall, but it can be, so it is important spending some time with the idea.Keep in mind, avoidance doesn’t always mean you have cut everyone out of your life and are spending all your time alone.   Sometimes we swap out inner-circle people, who we love and care about most, for acquaintances.   This can be a protective

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This page is sponsored in loving memory of Alex Graham by Alastair Graham

way of having contact but with people who feel “safer” because they do not require you to be as vulnerable to love and potential loss.Tactic Three: Be mindful of making radical relationship changes quickly. I was in a fairly serious, but relatively new relationship when my dad died.  I found my journal from that time recently and read through many thoughts I had about ending the relationship despite the fact that it was a wonderful and supportive relationship.  As I peeled through the layers trying to figure out what was going on, I realized that the thought that I might also lose this person was too much to handle.  It felt safer to end the relationship on my own terms at that moment to control my hurt, rather than get further emotionally invested and risk greater hurt. I am very grateful now I worked through that and didn’t end the relationship, but it was definitely an emotional wall I was trying to build.  Even without ending the relationship I did still create an emotional distance that took some time to resolve.Sometimes grief gives us a new lens to see the world.  Sometimes that means we see relationships, friendships, jobs, priorities differently and we make changes for the better.  But sometimes it is the fear and anxiety lens pushing us to close ourselves off from people or things we actually deeply care about.  It is important to look closely and do a lot of self-assessment about what is going on when you have that inclination to make big emotional changes after a loss.Tactic Four: Acknowledge the reality of potential loss and hurt.  Now, you may be screaming, I KNOW the potential for loss and hurt, I have gone through it, and that’s what brought me here!  But when we build these walls we don’t always consciously realize we are doing it to mitigate our anxiety about future pain and loss.  Facing that thought head on and considering the reality of grief and loss is part of being vulnerable and taking steps towards opening back up.  We can’t avoid these anxieties because they will keep creeping up, so at some point, we must consciously face them. If you try to face these anxieties and find yourself stuck, this may be an important reason to see a counsellor.Tactic Five: Learn tools for coping with anxiety.No surprise, coping with anxiety and fear around experiencing hurt again is an important part of opening yourself back up and tearing down emotional walls.  There are lots of general tools and techniques.  We have a post on grief and anxiety here.  But if this is a significant issue for you, seeing a counsellor can make a big difference in learning specific coping tools that will work well for you.Tactic Six: Acknowledge what you are missing.It is easy to feel like it is safer to stay protected inside the safety of your emotional walls and ignore all the things you may be missing on the other side.  To find the inspiration, motivation, and hope required to take a risk and push yourself outside those walls, it is important to consider what is out there that you are missing by closing yourself off.  Especially in the early days of grief, it can feel like none of those things are worth the potential pain of loss.  But as time goes on, you find ways to manage anxiety, and you reflect on things you may be missing through avoidance and emotional walls, it can start to feel easier.  You can slowly begin to open yourself up to love and hope, even with the knowledge that from the same seeds that grow love, grief may someday grow.

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Thank you…… Thank you to the people who pay their subs – Thank you…… Thank you to the people who pay a monthly debit order to TCFThank you……. Thank you to the people who bring cakes and eats to the meetingsThank you……. Thank you to the people who have paid donations and love gifts

Thank you……. Thank you to all our “MY SCHOOL/My Village card holders Do you have a “my village/my school” card? Please apply for one. If you complete the form, we will send it in on your behalf

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We are looking for a sponsor for the program for our Annual Candle Lighting Ceremony to be held on the 14th November. If you, or your company would like to do this please contact us at the office. 011 440 6322 tcfsa@mweb.co.za. All donations made to TCF are tax deductible.

Love Gifts received with our grateful thanks.Given in loving memory of Byron Frank Ball by Margaret BaillieGiven in loving memory of Matthew Bowes by Megan BowesGiven in loving memory of Ruan De Bruin by Estelle, Jeremi, Wesley and Josh De Bruin

Counsellors and one-on-one counselling at Johannesburg Compassionate Friends –

Compassionate Friends is a very unique organisation, a collection of bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings all at different stages on this path of grief. With each person who comes through our doors, depending on what they give or take, the organisation changes like a living, breathing entity. Throughout the history of TCF in Johannesburg, South Africa, it has been constantly changing.

Loving My Son, After His Death by   Nora Wong

I can feel their unasked questions. People wonder how I can still stand, still walk, still laugh. But they don’t ask. You can’t ask that of a mother who has lost her child. My son, Daniel, died three years ago at the age of 22. When people ask me, “How… are you?” that pause, that inflection, tells me that’s really what they want to know.I am tempted to tell them that it is I who am lost, not he. I am lost in my search for him, knowing he is nowhere on this earth. And still, it would not surprise me if he were to appear by my side wearing only his jersey boxers eating a snack at the kitchen counter. At times I can almost smell his warm cheesy breath and his still-boyish sweat. But when I look over my shoulder, he is not there.

My mind invents stories. Daniel is not dead; he is lamenting the performance of his fantasy football team with high school buddies while they wait on line for ice cream at Magic Fountain. He is in his dorm room at Stanford, talking deep into the night with his friends. Daniel is lingering with new friends on the rooftop of his investment firm in Boston where he just started working. “Where are you, Daniel?” I shout the question to the sky when I am strong enough to bear the silence that follows. “Why did you die?” Even that has no real answer. His doctors think Daniel died of  new onset refractory status epilepticus, or Norse, a rare seizure disorder in which healthy people with no history of epilepsy suddenly begin to seize uncontrollably. The majority of patients die or survive with significant brain damage. There is  no identified cause or established treatment for Norse. This cloud of uncertainty does not obscure what I know: My child is dead.

The instinct to protect one’s offspring runs through mothers of virtually all species. I violated the basic canon of motherhood. I failed to protect my child. That my child is dead while I still live defies the natural order.I love my husband and our two surviving children, but I couldn’t simply transfer my love for Daniel to them. It was for him alone. And so, for the longest time after his death, my love for Daniel bruised me.

So unbearable was my occluded heart that I called out to him in desperation one day: “What will I do with my love for you, Daniel?” My eyes were closed in grief when suddenly I seemed to see him before me, his arms bent and lifted upward in supplication. In my mind’s eye, his face was suffused with love and tinged with exasperation, a common look for Daniel.“Just love me, Mom,” he says.“But where are you?” I ask.“I’m here!” he answers with frustration. And then he is gone. I had not heard his voice since the day before he suddenly fell ill. I spoke to him while he lay unseeing and unmoving in the hospital bed. I told him I loved him. I begged him to speak to me. I begged him to come back to me. He never answered or moved to squeeze my hand. The only flicker from him over his 79 days of hospitalization was a single tear. One day a tear slid from his left eye down his cheek and disappeared beneath his chin. And now, months after he had died, I felt him before me.“Just love me, Mom. I’m here!”His words unleashed a torrent. I fell forward, my tears streaming. I felt breathless with release. I could continue to love him. I would love him in a new way. It was harder to do than I expected. I would see him everywhere, in every full moon, in each brilliant day. My spirits would soar. But there were days when a weight in my heart made each breath shallow and every step an effort.

On the worst days I sit before my laptop and pour out my feelings to the only person who can take in my sorrow and remain unbowed. The keyboard is damp when the final refrain leaves my fingertips: I love you, Daniel, I love you. I miss you. I miss you. And then I press “send.”

Daniel’s friends continue to visit us. It is a pilgrimage of sorts. My heart tightens when I see them. Their presence illuminates our immeasurable loss. His friends reveal to me how much Daniel meant to them. Now there will be a missing groomsman at the wedding and empty air in the place of a steadfast friend. At the end of one visit, a young man asks, “Recognize this sweater?” I don’t. “It’s Daniel’s,” he explains. I suddenly recognize Daniel’s old cotton sweater stretched to fit his friend. The young man folds forward to touch the sleeves of the sweater, hugging himself. He is tall and blond and athletic. He and Daniel were opposites in looks and temperament, best friends since nursery school. He had just returned from Moscow where he was working. “I wear this when I travel,” he says, touching the arm of the sweater again. “It’s so soft.”

I encourage Daniel’s friends to tell me about their work and their plans for the future. At first they are self-conscious, and their voices are tender. They don’t want to hurt me with their future plans when there is no future for Daniel. But as they speak of the things they will do and the places they will go, their excitement breaks free. I smile into the glow of their unlined, earnest faces and I feel my son. I think they feel him too. For a moment we are all reunited.

I will carry this child for the rest of my life. He lives within me, forever a young man of 22. Others will carry him as they move forward in their lives. He will be with them when they look out to the world with compassion, when they act with determination and kindness, when they are brave enough to contemplate all the things in life that remain unknown. I still search for him, but without desperation. I look for him in others. My search is lifted by his words: “Just love me. I’m here.”

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Counsellors and one-on-one counselling at Johannesburg Compassionate Friends –

Compassionate Friends is a very unique organisation, a collection of bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings all at different stages on this path of grief. With each person who comes through our doors, depending on what they give or take, the organisation changes like a living, breathing entity. Throughout the history of TCF in Johannesburg, South Africa, it has been constantly changing.

The Compassionate Friends Johannesburg ChapterSupport Groups, Meetings and Events, for Bereaved Parents, Siblings and Grandparents

July 2018July 1st Riverlea Coffee and Sharing Meeting – Corner Colorado Drive and

Pongola Street RiverFacilitator Joanna Burrell 0729517158

July 7th 2018 10h00 – 12h00

Coffee and Sharing Meeting at Randburg.11 Andre Street, President Ridge, Randburg (above The Brightwater Commons)

Facilitator: Gladys Gagliardi011-787-7876 or 084-500-5440

July 14th at 14h00 for 14h30

Monthly Meeting at TCF 122 Athol Street, Highlands North. Raymond Nettmann – Trauma and Grief

July 14th

14h00Lenasia Coffee and Sharing Meeting please contact Roseline for address.084-556-4616

Facilitator: Roseline Ananmalay084-556-4616

July 29th

14.30 for 15h00

Eldorado Coffee and Sharing Meeting – 1 Boundary Road Eldorado Park Facilitator – Debbie James – 011 4406322 – Virosa Trimmel 0629642659

July - No suicide meeting

Suicide Group. TCF 122 Athol Street, Highlands North. Facilitators: Elise Barnes/ Mariska Nel

Support – Maureen Conway: Debbie James: Mariska Nel: Jabu Mpungose: Kate Shand Roseline Ananmalay: Gladys Gagliardi

INFORMATION ABOUT THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDSWe are a Charity Organization and our aim is to help bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents cope with their loss. Our services are free of charge for the first year. (Starting from the first time you made contact with us at TCF). Thereafter if you would like to continue participating in our activities, we ask for a fee (Subscription) of R250 per annum (if you cannot afford this please call us)You can also sponsor a page in our Newsletter at R100 per page or R50 per half page.A LOVE GIFT can be any amount of money you would like to donate in memory of your child.We are looking forward to your participation in putting together our Newsletters by writing your own story. Send your story to TCF at the beginning of the month and we will do our best to publish it. We would like to support you in your grief journey. Writing brings healing.Contact the office to set up an appointment with any of our Counsellors for one-to-one sessions.If you know of any organization (schools, hospitals, work places) that would benefit from our services at TCF, please inform them about our work. Often people do not know what to say or do or how they can help someone who has lost a child or a sibling. Our contact details are in the Newsletter.

NB: Please remember to put your name (and what you are paying for) as a reference when you deposit money into TCF’s account

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BANKING DETAILS: The Compassionate Friends, First National Bank – Balfour Park, Branch Code: 212217; Account No: 50360007395

You can now donate to The Compassionate Friends via this link. Please remember all donations to TCF are tax deductible. Please let us know if you require a tax certificate. We are now also BEE

Compliant.