“We judge others—criticize, nit-pick, nag, attack, condemn— because we literally play God. This is

heinous. [The Bible says] “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you to judge your

neighbor?” Who are you when you judge? None other than a God wannabe. In this, we become

like the Devil himself (no surprise that the Devil is mentioned in James 3:15 and 4:7). We act exactly

like the adversary who seeks to usurp God's throne and who acts as the accuser of the brethren. When you and I fight, our minds

become filled with accusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupy me. We play the self-righteous judge in the mini-kingdoms we

establish.” 

~ David Powlison, Journal of Biblical Counseling, Fall 1997, page 34.

To equip and assistChristians and their

churches to respond to conflict biblically

peacemaker.net

Pamphlet:http

://bookstore.peacemaker.net/html/Peacemaking_Principles_Pamphlet.pdf

Fighting Fair – Conflict Resolution

1. Stuff Happens!Conflict is part of living in a fallen world

2. A Commitment to live at peace with everyone

3. How to say “I’m sorry”

4. Don’t find fault, Find a remedy;Anybody can complain

5. When everything else fails

The Slippery Slope of Conflict

Fighting Fair – Conflict Resolution

1. Stuff Happens!Conflict is part of living in a fallen world

2. A Commitment to live at peace with everyone

3. How to say “I’m sorry”

4. Don’t find fault, Find a remedy;Anybody can complain

5. When everything else fails

FourG’s

A commitment toBiblical Conflict Resolution

1st “G”: Glorify God

1 Corinthians 10:31

2nd “G”: Get the log out of your eye

Matthew 7:1-5

3rd “G”: Gently restore

Galatians 6:1

4th “G”: Go and be reconciled

Matthew 5:23-24

Fighting Fair – Conflict Resolution

1. Stuff Happens!Conflict is part of living in a fallen world

2. A Commitment to live at peace with everyone

3. How to say “I’m sorry”

4. Don’t find fault, Find a remedy;Anybody can complain

5. When everything else fails

SEVEN A’s OF CONFESSION

1. Address everyone involved(All those whom you affected)

2. Avoid if, but, and maybe(Do not try to excuse your wrongs)

3. Admit specifically(Both attitudes and actions)

4. Acknowledge the hurt(Express sorrow for hurting someone)

5. Accept the consequences(Such as making restitution)

6. Alter your behavior(Change your attitudes and actions)

7. Ask for forgiveness

Four Promises of Forgiveness

“I will not dwell on this incident.”

“I will not bring up this incident againand use it against you.”

“I will not talk to others about this incident.”

“I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

Fighting Fair – Conflict Resolution

1. Stuff Happens!Conflict is part of living in a fallen world

2. A Commitment to live at peace with everyone

3. How to say “I’m sorry”

4. Don’t find fault, Find a remedy;Anybody can complain

5. When everything else fails

PAUSE Principlefor seeking solutions

P. repare

A. ffirm Relationships

U. nderstand interests

S. eek creative solutions

E. valuate options

objectively

This week’s message:

Big (and unresolved) Questions:

1. Do I have to PAUSE on every conflict?2. When do I simply overlook an offense?

3. Do I allow myself to be consumed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

4. When do I involve another person to help?5. When and how do I involve the church?

6. What to do an unrepentant party?7. What if I was a victim of someone (thing)?

8. When is it right to go to court?

Do I have to PAUSE on every conflict?

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode

When do I simply overlook an offense?

Proverbs 19:11A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s

glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 19:11A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s

glory to overlook an offense.

 Proverbs 17:14

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

1. How have I been wronged here?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

1. How have I been wronged here?

2. What did I do to bring this about?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

1. How have I been wronged here?

2. What did I do to bring this about?

3. Have I prayed about this, asking God whether or not to bring it up?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

1. How have I been wronged here?

2. What did I do to bring this about?

3. Have I prayed about this, asking God whether or not to bring it up?

4. Do I need to be vindicated here?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

1. How have I been wronged here?

2. What did I do to bring this about?

3. Have I prayed about this, asking God whether or not to bring it up?

4. Do I need to be vindicated here?

5. Is this a “big deal”?

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

1. How have I been wronged here?

2. What did I do to bring this about?

3. Have I prayed about this, asking God whether or not to bring it up?

4. Do I need to be vindicated here?

5. Is this a “big deal”?

6. Is this my issue that it is a big deal?

Do I allow myself to be consumed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

Matthew 18:21-3521Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how

many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Matthew 18:21-3523“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.

25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and

all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be

patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27The servant’s master took pity on

him, canceled the debt and let him go.

Matthew 18:21-3528“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred

denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’

Matthew 18:21-3530“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had

the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had

happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had

happened.

Matthew 18:21-3532“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You

wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just

as I had on you?’ 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should

pay back all he owed.

35“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your

heart.”

When do I involve another person to help?

Matthew 18:15-1615“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established

by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

When and how do I involve the church?

Matthew 18:17a17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the

church;

What to do an unrepentant party?

Matthew 18:17-2017If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the

church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18“I tell you the truth, whatever you

bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in

heaven. 19Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20For where

two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

1 Thessalonians 3:6, 11-156In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we

command you, brothers and sisters, to keep away from every believer who is idle and disruptive and

does not live according to the teaching you received from us…

11We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are

busybodies. 12Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn

the food they eat. 13And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.

1 Thessalonians 3:6, 11-1514Take special note of anyone who does not obey our instruction in this letter. Do not associate with them, in order that they may feel ashamed. 15Yet do not regard them as an enemy, but warn them as you would a fellow believer. 16Now may the

Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be

with all of you.

1 Corinthians 5:4-54When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present, 5hand this man over to Satan, so that the sinful nature may be destroyed

and his spirit saved on the day of the Lord.

“Lack of discipline is a curse to any church. There must be rules regarding faith and conduct. To be sure the church has no right to regiment the life of its members, so that freedom is thrown out of

the window, Pharisaism revived, and the Colossian heresy (Col. 2:20, 21) repeated. But there are, after all, certain broad principles,

clearly stated in Scripture, and epitomized in such well-known passages as Matt. 5:43–45; 10:32, 33; 11:28–30; 16:24, 25; 22:37–40; John 13:34; Rom. 10:9; 12:1, 2, 21; 13:14; 1 Cor. 14:1a, and many,

many others; principles which, as it were, summarize the whole of God’s will for man’s life. It is the privilege and the duty of the church to

set forth these principles and to demand that its members strive, with the help of God’s Spirit, to apply them to their everyday living and thinking.

“Gross and continued violations without subsequent repentance cannot be tolerated. It is

the duty of the church as a whole and as represented by those who by the Lord have been appointed to rule over it to bind, that is, to forbid violation of these principles, and to loose, that is, to permit whatever is in harmony with them. The right of exclusion or excommunication from the

churchand, upon repentance, of readmission into the

church is implied.” 

~ William Hendriksen, Exposition of the Gospel According to Matthew. New Testament Commentary (Vol. 9, pp. 701–702).

Acts 20:28-2928Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought

with his own blood. 29I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will

not spare the flock.

What if I was a victim of someone (thing)?

2 Timothy 4:14-1514Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. 15You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message.

Romans 12:19-2119Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room

for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20On the

contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil,but overcome evil with good.

When is it right to go to court?

Three questions:

Three questions:

Have I sought godly counsel on this issue?

Three questions:

Have I sought godly counsel on this issue?

Who has jurisdiction here? (Romans 13:1-5)

Romans 13:1-51Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that

which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he

who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do

wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will

commend you. 4For he is God’s servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God’s servant, an

agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to

the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience.

Three questions:

Have I sought godly counsel on this issue?

Who has jurisdiction here? (Romans 13:1-5)

Have I exhausted all other resources?

Gospel Application:

Gospel Application:

Am I living Verticalso that

I can live Horizontal?