Act 1 Part 1(Curtain opens; Harry is sitting on a trunk at center stage)HARRY: Underneath these stairsI hear the sneers and feel the glares ofMy cousin, my uncle, and my aunt.

Can’t believe how cruel they are And it stings my lightning scar To know they’ll never ever give me what I want.

I don’t deserve theseStupid rules made by the DursleysHere on Privet Drive.

Can’t take all of these muggles,But despite all of my struggles,I’m, still alive.

I’m sick of summer and this waiting around.Man, it’s September, and I’m skipping this town.Hey it’s no mystery, there’s nothing here for me now

I gotta get back to Hogwarts,I gotta get back to schoolI gotta get myself to Hogwarts,Where everybody knows I’m cool.

Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts, To goblins and ghost and to magical feasts.It’s all that I love and it’s all that I need.HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I’m going back—

I’ll see my friends, gonna laugh ‘til we cryTake my Firebolt, gonna take to the skyNO WAY this year anyone’s gonna die, and it’s gonna be totally awesomeI’ll cast some spells, with a flick of my wandDefeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!And do it all with my best friend Ron, ‘cuz it’s gonna be totally awesome(RON enters)

RON: Yeah, it is gonna be totally awesome!

RON: Did somebody say Ron Weasley? (Greets Harry) Sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to get some floo powder. Come on we gotta get going, get you trunk let’s go!

HARRY: Where are we going?

RON: To Diagon Alley of course!

HARRY: Cool!

RON: Come on!

RON and HARRY: Floo powder power! Floo powder power! Floo powder power! Floo powder power! RON: It’s been so long, but we’re going backDon’t go for work, don’t go there for class

HARRY: As long as we’re together—

RON: --Gonna kick some ass

HARRY and RON: …and it’s gonna be totally awesome!This year we’ll take everybody by storm,Stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm

(Hermione splits Ron and Harry)

HERMIONE: but let’s not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLS!RON: Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzzkill!?

HERMIONE: Because guys, it’s not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards!

HERMIONE: I may be frumpy, but I’m super smartCheck out my grades, they’re “A’s” for a startWhat I lack in looks, well I make up in heart,And well guys, yeah, that’s totally awesome!

This year I plan to study a lot…

RON: That would be cool if you were actually hot!

HARRY: Hey, Ron, come on, we’re the only friends that she’s got!

RON: And that’s cool…

HERMIONE: …and that’s totally awesome

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE: Yeah it’s cool and it’s totally awesome!We’re sick of summer and this waiting aroundIt’s like we’re sitting in the lost and foundDon’t take no sorceryFor anyone to see how…

We gotta get back to HogwartsWe gotta get back to schoolWe gotta get back to HogwartsWhere everything is magic-coooooool

EVERYONE: Back to witches and wizards, and magical beasts

To goblins and ghosts and to magical feastsIt’s all that I love, and it’s all that I need atHOGWARTS, HOGWARTS!

HARRY, RON, HERMIONE: --I think we’re going back…

Act 1 Part 2

(Ginny enters)GINNY: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madam Malkin’s and use those sickles Mom gave you for my robe fitting.

HARRY: Who’s this?

RON: This is my stupid little dumb sister, Ginny. She’s a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry Potter.(Ginny and Harry shake hands)

GINNY: You’re Harry Potter. You’re the boy who lived!

HARRY: Yeah, and you’re Ginny.

GINNY: It’s Ginevra.

RON: Cool, Ginny’s fine.

RON: Stupid sister! (Claps in ear) Don’t crowd the famous friend!

(Oriental music begins playing)

HERMIONE: Do you guys hear music or something?

HARRY: Music, what are you talking about?

RON: Yeah someone’s coming. Whoa!

(Cho Chang posse enters in a line. Lavender Brown in front, Cho Chang in back. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny turn to them)

POSSE: Cho ChangDomo arigato, Cho ChangGung Hey fat Choy ChangHappy Happy New Year, Cho ChangGINNY: Who’s that?

HARRY: That’ Cho Chang.

RON: That’s the girl Harry’s totally been in love with since freshmen year.

HERMIONE: Yeah but he won’t say anything to her.

RON: You never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.

(Ginny walks to Lavender Brown and taps her on the shoulder)

GINNY: Konnichiwa Cho Chang. It is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley.

LAVENDER: Girl, I ain’t Cho Chang!

(Ginny runs back to Ron, Harry and Hermione)

RON: That’s Lavender Brown! (Claps) Racist sister!

CHO: It’s alright. (To audience) I’m Cho Chang y’all.

HARRY: She’s totally perfect!

RON: Yeah, too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory huh?

HARRY: What? Who the heck is Cedric Diggory?

(Cedric bursts onto stage, pushes Harry and Ron aside)

CEDRIC: Oh, Cho ChangI am so in love with Cho ChangFrom Bangkok to Ding DangI sing my love aloud for Cho Chang

(Cho’s posse and Cedric exit right)

HARRY: I hate that guy!

RON: Are were going to get those robes or not?!

GINNY: Okay, let’s go!

(All exit left as Neville enters. Crabbe and Coyle enter right)

GOYLE: (To Neville) Present your arm nerd! (Neville shows Crabbe his forearm. Crabbe points wad at arm) Indian Burn Hex! (Neville falls to his knees, yelling in pain)

(Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny enter left. Ginny runs to Neville and takes his away)

HARRY: Het, why don’t you leave Neville Longbottom alone?

GOYLE: Well, well, well. If it isn’t Harry Potter. You think all because you’re famous, you can boss everyone around?!

HARRY: No. I just don’t think it’s cool for guys your size to be picking on guys like Neville.

GOYLE: Oh, well you know what I think? I think glasses are for nerds! (Crabbe takes Harry’s glasses and pretends to break them). We hate nerds!

CRABBE: and girls!

RON: You asked for it! You don’t mess with Harry Potter. He beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby!

HERMIONE: All right, everyone just calm down. (Walks over to Harry) Occulus reparo!

HARRY: (Puts glasses back on) Whoa cool!

HERMIONE: Now let’s leave these big baby, childish jerks alone!

(Draco enters right and crosses to center)

MALFOY: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?

HARRY: What do you want Draco?

MALFOY: Crabbe. Goyle. Be a pair of dolls and go pay for my robes will you. So Potter, (circles group) back for another year at Hogwarts are you? Maybe this year you’ll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard. (turns sharply to group)

HARRY: Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. (Ginny tries to join, Ron shoves her away) And I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

MALFOY: Have it you way… (sees Ginny) WAIT! Don’t tell me… Red hair, hand me down clothes, and a stupid complexion, you must be a Weasley!

RON: Lay off Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, but she’s my pain in the ass.

MALFOY: Well isn’t this cute, it’s like a little loser family! (Harry’s group exits) Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. (To audience) Luckily next year I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts!

MALFOY: This year you bet I’m gonna get outta hereThe reign of Malfoy is drawing nearI’ll have to greatest wizard career, (Crabbe and Goyle enter, join Malfoy)And it’s gonna be totally awesome!Look out world for the dawn of the dayWhen everyone will do, WHATEVER I SAYAnd Potter won’t be in my way, and thenI’ll be the one who is totally awesome!

GOYLE: YEAH YOU’LL BE THE ONE WHO IS TOTALLY AWESOME!

(All enter)HERMIONE: Come on guys! We’re gonna miss the train!

ALL: Who knows how fast this year’s gonna go?Hand me a glass let the butter beer flow

(All start moving hands as to imitate train wheels)

HARRY: Maybe at last, I’ll talk to Cho,

RON: Oh no, that’d be WAY too awesome

ALL: We’re back to learn everything that we canIt’s great to come back to where we beganAnd here we are, and alakazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome!

Come on and teach us everything that you knowThis summer’s over and we’re itchin to go

NEVILLE: I think we’re ready forAlbus Dumbledore!

ALL: Ahhhhhhh.

ALBUS: Welcome, all of you to HogwartsI welcome all of you to schoolDid you known that here at HogwartsWe’ve got a hidden swimming pool?Welcome, Welcome, Welcome HogwartsWelcome hotties, nerds, and toolsHow that I’ve got you here at HogwartsI’d like to go over just a couple of rules

ALBUS: My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can call me Dumbledore. I suppose you could also call me Albus if you wanted a detention. I’m just kidding! I’ll expel you if you call me Albus.

ALL: Back to witches and wizards, and magical beastsTo goblins and ghosts and to magical feastsIt’s all that I love, and it’s all that I need atHOGWARTS, HOGWARTS!

Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friendsTo Gryffindors!Hufflepuffs!Ravenclaws!Slytherins!Back to the place where our story beginsIt’s Hogwarts, Hogwarts,

ALBUS: I’m sorry what’s its name?

ALL: Hogwarts, Hogwarts,

ALBUS: I didn’t hear you kids!

ALL: Hogwarts, Hogwarts

HARRY: Man, I’m glad I’m back.

(Freeze and blackout)

Act 1 Part 3(Lights come up to two rows of benches opening to audience. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are in the first row on right. Draco, Grabbe, and Goyle are across from them. Albus is standing in the center.)

ALBUS: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts, and a very special welcome to my favorite student, Harry Potter. (Ron cheers obnoxiously). He kill Voldemort when he was just a baby. He’s even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. Another very special welcome to our newest member to Gryffindor, Ms. Ginny Weasley!

GINNY: Aren’t we supposed to be sorted by the sorting hat?

ALBUS: Well, a funny thing happened to the sorting hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted, magical clothing. So, he and the scarf of sexual preference aren’t going to be back until next year. Basically I’ve just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy in Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy in Slytherin, and the rest can go wherever the hell they want. I don’t really care.

CEDRIC: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.

ALBUS: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?... Anyway it’s time now for me to introduce my very good friend, our very own potions master, Mr. Severus Snape.

RON: Ah man, Professor Snape. I though they fired that guy.

GINNY: Why? What’s wrong with professor Snape?

RON: Uh, nothing. He’s just, uh, EVIL!

(Snape comes out from behind a pillar and creeps up to center stage, looking around with wide eyes)

HARRY: Come on Ron, he’s really not that bad.

SNAPE: Harry Potter, Detention! For talking out of turn. Now, before we being, I will give you all you very, very first pop quiz. Can anyone tell me what a port-key is? (Hermione raises her hand). Yes Ms. Granger.

HERMIONE: (Fast) A port key is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere in the globe decided by the one who created the enchantment.

SNAPE: Very good! Now can anyone tell me foreshadowing is? (Hermione raises her hand again). Yes, Ms. Granger.

HERMIONE: (fast) Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point in mentioned early on in the story in order to return later in a more significant way.

SNAPE: Perfect!

RON: What’s a port-key again? I missed that one.

HERMIONE: Oh! A port key is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one anyone in the globe.

SNAPE: And remember, a port-key can any seemingly harmless object, like a football, or… a dolphin.

LAVENDER: Professor, Can like a person be a port key?

SNAPE: No! That’s absurd. Because then if a person were to touch themselves (turns to Ron and glares at him), they would constantly be transported to different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.

HARRY: What’s a horcrux?

SNAPE: I’m not even going to tell you Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.

HERMIONE: Professor what is the point of this quiz?

SNAPE: Oh, no, no, no. No point in particular. Just important information that EVERYONE should know. (Point to someone in audience) Especially you. Now, moving right along. There are four houses in all. Gryffindor (Gryffindors cheer), Ravenclaw (Ravenclaws cheer), Hufflepuff—

CEDRIC: --Find!

SNAPE: What?... And Slytherin (Slytherins makes hissing noises). No traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. Example, 10 points from Gryffindor,

GRYFFINDORS: What?

SNAPE: For Ms. Granger’s excessive baby fat.

HARRY and RON: Thanks Hermione.

SNAPE: Traditionally the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the house cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Professor of the Dark Arts, Professor Quirrell.

(Quirrell enters and moves center stage; Harry holds his forehead in pain)

QUIRRELL: The house cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-

DRACO: Go home terrorist!

QUIRRELL: For centuries the 4 houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of house champion. But where does this competitions come from, and what are the roots of the tradition?

HERMIONE: The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.

QUIRRELL: (Aggravated) That was a rhetorical question.

ALBUS: Granger, quit interrupting. 20 points from Gryffindor.

QUIRRELL: As I was saying, when the tournament first began it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the 4 houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the cup, but also win eternal glory.

HERMIONE: Kind of like a tri-wizard tournament!

QUIRRELL: Yes, sort of like the tri-wizard tournament, except no not like that at all. There are four houses, how can it be a TRI-wizard tournament with four teams?

HERMIONE: But professor, if I remember correctly, the house cup tournament was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.QUIRRELL: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.

HERMIONE: I don’t think you heard me. I just said somebody died.

ALBUS: Hermione shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting, 20 more point. You know, for the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes!... (pleased) 10 points to Dumbledore!

QUIRRELL: Yes, yes, well it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the Professor for the Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this—practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to—(Voldemort sneezes).

ALBUS: Did your turban just sneeze?

QUIRRELL: What? No.

ALBUS: I could’ve sworn I heard a sneeze from your direction but your mouth wasn’t moving.

QUIRRELL: No. That was simply a fart, excuse me. (Quirrell begins to exit in front of Harry. Voldemort sneezes more times. Harry’s scar stings) I must be going. (sneeze) I simply farted once more. (Quirrell exits right.

ALBUS: In accordance with the newly resurrected house cup a champion will be selected to compete. Now Snape, will you do us the honors please?

SNAPE: Yes headmaster. (Snape moves to center stage with a large cup). First, from the Ravenclaw house (Snape draws a card). Miss Cho Chang.

CHO: (Stands up in shock) Oh my God I won! Can you believe that y’all?

SNAPE: Next from Hufflepuff (draws a card). Mr. Cedric Diggory.

CEDRIC: Well, I don’t FIND this surprising at all.

CHO: I find it perfect that I get to spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.

CEDRIC: I’m glad as well my darling (Kisses Cho on head)

SNAPE: Next, from the Slythereeen house. (draws card) Draco Malfoy.

MALFOY: (stand ups) Huh! Oh! (scuttles towards Harry) I finally beat you didn’t I Potter? What do you think of that, huh? (lays across Hermione, Harry, and Ron). I’m the champion this time! (falls on floor and moves back to bench stage right).

ALBUS: Draco, would you sit down you little shit! Champion’s just a title.

SNAPE: And finally from the Gryffindor house. (Draws card). Oh my, well isn’t this curious. The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.

NEVILLE: (Stands up). If it’s me ill just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing.

SNAPE: Sit down, you inarticulate bubble! It’s Harry Potter!

(Ron cheers obnoxiously loud)

ALBUS: Well there they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions. And I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in 2 months and it could be anything. So let’s get to it! (All exit. Most people cheer “Cho Chang”. Malfoy cheers for himself. Blackout)

Act 1 Part 4

(Lights come up to the same set. Harry, Ron and Hermione enter from right).

RON: Harry, you’ve got this thing in the bag.

HARRY: I don’t know man, that Cedric Diggory is pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks, we’re totally gonna win, it’s in the bad!

HERMIONE: I don’t know Harry…

RON: OH MY GOSH Hermione shut up! Why do you have to rain on everybody’s parade?

HERMIONE: Because Ron, this is dangerous.

HARRY: Dangerous? Oh come on Hermione how dangerous could it be? Especially for me?

HERMIONE: You’re not invincible Harry. Someone died in that tournament.

HARRY: Uh, I’m the boy that LIVED, not DIED, come on. What’s the worst that could happen?

HERMIONE: And I don’t known about that Quirrell character. First he resurrects some horrible ancient tournament, then he bumps into you and your scar starts hurting, and you have to admit there is something funky about the back of his head.

HARRY: Think about it. Professor Quirrell is a professor. And who hires professors?

HARRY and RON: Dumbledore.

HARRY: Who’s the smartest, most awesomest, practical wizard…

RON: Beautiful.

HARRY: …beautiful wizard in the whole world? Why would he possibly hire somebody who’s trying to hurt me?

HERMIONE: Well, what about Snape?

HARRY: What about him?

HERMIONE: He’s hated you for years. And he as hated your parents too Harry, everybody knows that. And he just so happens to pick you name out of the house cup out of hundreds, if not 5 possible Gryffindors.

HARRY: Yeah, what a coincidence, I lucked out!

HERMIONE: No, Harry I don’t think this is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you made a lot of enemies, ones you might not even know about.

HARRY: Let me get this straight. So you’re saying this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me.

HERMIONE: I mean, I don’t know! Maybe! Anyway, I just think it’s dangerous and I don’t think you should do it.

HARRY: Alright Hermione. If it means that much to you, ill drop out.

HERMIONE: Thank you Harry. (Harry and Hermione hug)

RON: Wait, WHAT?! The House cup? Come on, think of all the eternal glory you’d win!

HARRY: Hey, eternal glory? I already have that. Besides, Neville will be a great champion.

(Albus enters)

HERMIONE: Look there’s Dumbledore. Now, you just go talk to him and tell him that you’re dropping out.

HARRY: (to Hermione) Hey listen, Dumbledore and I are really cool. We’re really tight and I don’t want him to think that I’m being lazy, so could you just tell him? Tell him I wanna focus on school or something. You got this one. You’re the best. (Touches Hermione’s noes)

HERMIONE: Okay. (Cross to Albus). Dumbledore?

ALBUS: Yes Granger?

HERMIONE: I need to talk to you about the House cup tournament. First of all, I think it’s an awful idea, but second of all, I don’t think Harry Potter should compete.

ALBUS: Granger, why do you always have to be such a stick in the mud? Tell me, why should Harry Potter not compete?

HERMIONE: Uh, because he wants to study…?

ALBUS: Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you. Why couldn’t Harry have told me this himself? He thinks I’m cool, we’re tight.

HERMIONE: Professor—I’m a really bad liar. Okay, I think it’s a ruse, a setup, and I even think that Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter.

ALBUS: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met! Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just as much as he is trying to kill me!

(Snape enters)

SNAPE: Oh, why Professor Dumbledore, I just happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this delicious sandwich. (Snape reveals a sandwich with a pipe bomb in the middle).

ALBUS: Why thank you Severus. See Granger, how thoughtful!

SNAPE: Here you are Professor. Bomb-appetite… I mean bon-appetite. (gives sandwich to Albus and “sets” bomb. Sandwich begins to tick faster and faster)

HERMIONE: Is that sandwich ticking?

ALBUS: It looks like it’s licking, finger-licking good!

HERMIONE: Professor, I don’t think you should eat that sandwich.

ALBUS: Why Granger, you should listen to Snape more often. You may even get a sandwich out of him.

(Hermione takes sandwich and throws it offstage and out of site. An explosion effect goes off.)

ALBUS: You dog gone exploded my sandwich!

HERMIONE: I’m sorry sir!

ALBUS: Hey, even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger, he has to compete. You see that cup? It’s enchanted. Whoever’s name comes out of the cup must compete or the results would be bad.

HERMIONE: What do you mean bad?

ALBUS: Try and imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

HERMIONE: Total protonic reversal.

ALBUS: Yeah, so you see he has to compete. It if makes you feel any better, the last guy that died in the tournament was a Hufflepuff. I’ll keep my eyes open and nothing is gonna get past old Dumbledore.

Now, I’ve gotta go make a new sandwich. I don’t know how it will be as good as the last one, the last one ticked! (Exit)

HERMIONE: Because it was a bomb! (crosses) Harry, I’m so sorry but I think you’re going to have to compete in the house cup tournament. But don’t worry, I won’t rest until I find out what the first task is.

RON: I’ll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.

(Draco, Crabbe, Goyle enter. Goyle is carrying Draco as Draco stares at Harry)

MALFOY: Well, isn’t this touching?

RON: Oh my gosh just get out Malfoy!

(Goyle drops Malfoy and he starts rolling on the floor towards Harry, Ron and Hermione)

MALFOY: Goyle and I have a bet you know? He says you won’t last 5 minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you won’t last five minutes… at Pigfarts!

HARRY: Alright Malfoy what is Pigfarts?

MALFOY: Oh! Never heard of it? Huh, figures! Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts.

HARRY: Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t want to talk about it, that’s like the ninth time you’ve mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?

MALFOY: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I’m being transferred next year.

HERMIONE: Malfoy, I’ve never even heard of that.

MALFOY: (Stands up) That’s because Pigfarts… (turns to audience) is on Mars.

HARRY: You know Malfoy, we’re trying to have a conversation here. So if you could just leave us alone, that’d be great.

MALFOY: Oh! No, I’m not even here.

(Harry, Ron and Hermione begin to murmur then mention Dumbledore)

MALFOY: Dumbledore!? What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!

GOYLE: RUMBLEROAR!

MALFOY: Rumbleroar is the headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion… who can talk.

HARRY: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here, why are you even here? You’re not even eating. Get outta here.

MALFOY: Well I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.

HARRY: Just get outta here, please.

MALFOY: Where are we supposed to go?

HARRY: Uh, I don’t know… Pigfarts!

MALFOY: Ha-ha! Now you’re just being cute. (begins circling group) I can’t go to Pigfarts, it’s on MARS. Your need a rocket ship. Do you have a rocket ship, Potter?

(Malfoy breaks between Ron and Harry and starts to roll on them)

MALFOY: You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this! Look at this! Look at… rocket ship-Potter, Star kid-Potter, moon shoes-Potter, traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts

HARRY: That’s it. This is the most misguided way to try to make me feel jealous. Sure, you can make fun of me, but when you bring my parents into this it’s a whole other story. (Harry draws his wand and advances toward Malfoy)

MALFOY: (scampers behind Crabbe and Goyle) Whoa! Not so fast Potter. Crabbe! Goyle!

GOYLE: Back off nerd!

HARRY: Whoa! Whoa! I’m scared!

MALFOY: (hanging under bench stage left) Not so tough now are you Potter? Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lolly-gagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend.

HERMIONE: Oh that is IT Malfoy. (To Crabbe and Goyle) Jelly-legs jinx!

GOYLE: Hey! No fair. My legs are jelly!

(Crabbe and Goyle fall on backs with feet shaking in the air. Hermione grabs Malfoy’s tie and point her wand at his nose)

HERMIONE: Take it back Malfoy!

MALFOY: Take what back?

HERMIONE: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!

RON: Yeah, and all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That’s not even a little bit true.

HERMIONE: And say you’re sorry for calling me a you-know-what.

MALFOY: I’m sorry!

HERMIONE: And you promise you’ll never do it again?

MALFOY: I promise!

HERMIONE: (let go of Malfoy’s tie as he falls on the floor) Alright! Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come on Harry, Ron, let’s get outta here. (To Crabbe and Goyle) Un-jellify!

RON: That was the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen. Too bad no one was here to see it. It was like an outbreak of pent-up aggression like “AHH, HERMIONE…”

(Ron, Harry, and Hermione exit. Crabbe and Goyle get up)

GOYLE: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff. We got beat by a girl… who’s a nerd.

MALFOY: I didn’t mean what I said, you know. Pigfarts is real. Am I… Am I bleeding? Goyle… (Goyle goes to Malfoy and sniffs his nose)

GOYLE: NO!

MALFOY: I thought maybe… maybe it was a little… Wow. I’ve never been pushed down like that by a girl. Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mudbl- whatever. (Gets up and dusts himself off)

GOYLE: I can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter-curse was just un-jellify!

MALFOY: Right, I’m not surprised. Come on let’s go watch wizards of Waverly Place!

(They exit. Blackout)

Act 1 Part 5 (Lights open to Quirrell’s chamber. Quirrell enters)

QUIRRELL: Fools! They’re all fools. They think they’re safe. They think they’re back to another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that’s lurking right under their noses. Or should I say… on the back of their heads!

(Quirrell turns his back to the audience so that Voldemort is facing the audience. Quirrell removes the turban to reveal Voldemort for the 1st time. Voldemort screams then being coughing.)

VOLDEMORT: I can’t breathe in that turban!

QUIRRELL: I’m sorry sir, but it’s a necessary precaution. If they know that you lived when Harry Potter destroyed you, you soul lived on…

VOLDEMORT: Yes, that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the forbidden forest, eating bugs, and mushrooms, and ugh, unicorn blood.

QUIRRELL: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.

VOLDEMORT: Yes, nobody must know of any of that. Now Quirrell, get me some water!

(Quirrell grabs a nearby water bottle)

VOLDEMORT: Now Quirrell, pour it in my mouth.

(Quirrell does so with difficulty.)

QUIRRELL: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly my liege.

VOLDEMORT: Yes, yes, yes. I’m done with the water. We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall.

QUIRRELL: I’m sorry my lord, you sneezed.

VOLDEMORT: I know that! Get me some Nasonex you swine!

(Quirrell gets Voldemort nasal spray then uses it himself)

VOLDEMORT: Wash that turban! It tickles my nose.

QUIRRELL: Yes, my dark king.

VOLDEMORT: Okay just relax with the dark king okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort. We’re there. We’ve reached that point.

QUIRRELL: Yes, my… my Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: Now Quirrell, get us ready for bed. We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Tonight, in the Great Hall, he was so close. I could have touched him. Revenge is at my fingertips Quirrell. (Quirrell rinses with mouthwash) I can taste it. It tastes like… cool-mint.

QUIRRELL: That’s our Listerine, Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: Yes, excellent. Well… goodnight Quirrell.

(Voldemort is facing the bed. The two lean over the bed, Voldemort is laying with his head in the pillow, Quirrell is on top of him. )

VOLDEMORT: Okay! Okay! I can’t do this. We gotta roll over. I can’t sleep on my tummy.

QUIRRELL: But I always sleep on my back. I have back troubles. It’s the only way I’m comfortable.

VOLDEMORT: You’ll roll over or I’ll… I’ll eat your pillow! You will be having a dream you are eating a marshmallow, but you will wake up your favorite goose-feather pillow will be missing.

QUIRRELL: Fine, we’ll compromise. We will sleep on our side.

VOLDEMORT: Okay, I guess I can do this.

QUIRRELL: Well goodnight.

VOLDEMORT: Good night Quirrell. (long pause). Hey Quirrell… how long have those robes been on that chair?

QUIRRELL: I think they’re from last night. I just put them there for now.

VOLDEMORT: Well, are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What’s your plan?

QUIRRELL: I figured I’d just leave them there for now and I’d maybe put them away in the morning or something. Okay?

VOLDEMORT: (aghast) No! No!.. No, that’s not okay. I can’t go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair. The chair is going to start smelling like dirty clothes.

QUIRRELL: Look, I promise I’ll put them away in the morning.

VOLDEMORT: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I COMMAND YOU TO GET UP AND… FOLD THEM AT LEAST… MAKE IT INTO A NEAT PILE!!!

(The two sit up in bed)

QUIRRELL: Look, if we’re going to be in this situation for a while, we’re going to have to learn to live with each other. Now I’ve been single all of my life and I have some habits. Sometimes I leave laundry around.

VOLDEMORT: Well I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place… Mudbloods have their place… And so do your clothes… Namely, a dresser! (Stands up)

QUIRELL: Well aren’t we an odd couple?

(“DIFFERENT AS CAN BE”)QUIRRELL:You won't sleep on your tummy

VOLDEMORT:You won't sleep on your back

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree

QUIRRELL:We share some hands and fingers

VOLDEMORT:And yet the feeling lingers

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:We're just about as different as anyone can be

VOLDEMORT:You like plotting a garden and I like plotting to kill

QUIRRELL:You think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!Sipping tea by the fires is swell

VOLDEMORT:

Pushing people in is fun as wellI like folding all my ties

QUIRRELL:And you have no friends, hey that’s a surprise

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:I guess it’s plain to see when you look at you and mewe’re different,different,as can be

VOLDEMORT:Youre a sissy, a fool, a girl! Im the darkest of lords!

QUIRRELL:Im the brightest professor here, I’ve won several awards

VOLDEMORT:My new world is about to unfold

QUIRRELL:You got beat by a two year old

VOLDEMORT:I’ll kill him this time through and through

QUIRRELL:Or you might just give him another tattoo

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:You really must agree when you look at you and mewe’re different,different,as can-

VOLDEMORT:Ill rise again and Ill rule the worldBut you must help me renewFor when our plan succeeds

QUIRRELL:Prevails!

VOLDEMORT:Part of that world goes to you

QUIRRELL:When I rule the world I’ll plant flowers

VOLDEMORT:When I rule the world I’ll have snakesAnd goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals, a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!(QUIRRELL: And Jane Austin novels)

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:When I rule the world!! Hahahaha!!!!

(Quirrell grabs turban and exits. Lights fade)

Act 1 Part 6

(Lights open to Harry playing a guitar in a chair with a suitcase on the floor next to him. Hermione is reading on a bench nearby. Neville is on the opposite side of the stage taking care of a plant)

HERMIONE: Harry, don’t you think you should try to figure out what the first task is going to be? You could actually die if you’re not ready.

HARRY: What? Come on. Can’t you just do it for me? Can’t you just prepare all my stuff for me? I mean what are you doing right now?

HERMIONE: I’m writing your potions essay.

HARRY: Oh, well do that first ‘cuz it’s due tomorrow. But after that can you prepare for the first task please? Thank you! You are the best! (Touches Hermione’s noes)

(Ginny enters right.)

HARRY: Hey, Ginny. Come here. I want to show you something.

GINNY: Hey, Harry Potter!

HARRY: Listen, I want to play you this song I’ve been working on. I want to play it for this girl I really like, so I just want to know what you think. Just for the purpose of now, ‘cause I’m still working out the lyrics. I’m gonna put your name where hers should be, but I don’t think it’s gonna work out, but we’ll try…

(“CHO’S SONG)Harry: You’re tall and fun and prettyYou’re really, really skinny…Ginny

I’m the Mickey to your MinnieYou’re the Tigger to my WinnieGinny

Wanna take you to the cityGonna take you out to diney

Ginny

You’re cuter than a guinea pigWanna take you up to WinnipegThat’s in Canada!

Ginny Ginny Ginny Ginny—

HARRY: This doesn’t work with your name at all. How does it make you feel, emotionally? Don’t you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?

GINNY: I think it already has.

HARRY: Awesome! ‘Cuz it’s for Cho Chang!

GINNY: Oh yeah… she is beautiful.

HARRY: What, are you nuts!? Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome hot! She’s far more attractive, more appealing, and more interesting than any girl I know, in my immediate group of friends.

(Ron enters)

RON: Hey, Neville (hits Neville in the back of the head as head jumps over bench) (to Ginny) move, move, move, move…

(Ginny scoots over, knocking Hermione on the floor, Ron sits next to Harry)

RON: Hey! Harry, what’s up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid, and I saw these delivery wizards bringing giant cages into the dungeon.

HERMIONE: Giant cages? I bet whatever is in those cages has something to do with the first task! Harry, we have to find out what it is.

(Harry stares blankly at Hermione, then begins to play guitar again. Hermione walks over to Harry and takes his guitar from him)

(Ginny and Ron simultaneously) GINNY: No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

RON: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

HERMIONE: This is serious. This is a matter of life and death!

RON: Well it doesn’t matter because it’s after hours. We can’t leave the Gryffindor house, and we’ll probably get in trouble if we do. Even if we do, shlongbottom over there will probably tell on us.

HERMIONE: Oh, Neville won’t tell.

NEVILLE: Oh yes I most certainly will!

RON: So, what are we going to do?

HERMIONE: Simple you guys, the cloak.

RON: Of course… (They stand up and face the audience)

RON, HARRY, and HERMIONE: The cloak.

GINNY: Wait, what cloak?

RON: Shhhhhhhhh! (Claps in ear)

(Harry begins to open suitcase, Neville begins to exit)HARRY: I got a present last year—oh bye Neville. I got a present last year, my first year at Hogwarts and it was left to me by my dead dad, (to audience) my father’s dead. I have a dad father… (to Ginny) It’s my invisibility cloak!

GINNY: Oh wowee Harry Potter! Oh! Oh! Do you know what I would do if I had an invisibility cloak?

HARRY: I would kick wiener dogs.

RON: I would pretend to be a ghost and scare mean people.

HERMIONE: I would use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror.

GINNY: Well actually I was gonna say, I would use it to take my own death and watch people cry at the funeral!

HARRY: Ok, well let’s get outta here.

(all begin to exit)

RON: (stopping Ginny) Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you’re going?

GINNY: With you guys?

RON: No way! No kid sisters allowed (claps in ear) Besides, there’s only enough room under this cloak for 2 people so uh, come one Hermione, come on!

(Hermione hands guitar to Ginny and exits with Ron.)

(“HARRY”)GINNY:The way his hair falls in his eyes makes me wonder if he’ll ever see through my disguise and I’m under his spell

everything is falling and I don’t know where to land everyone knows who he is but they don’t know who I am

Harry, Harry,

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

I’ve seen you conquer certain death and even when you’re just standing there you take away my breath and maybe someday you’ll hear my song and understand that all along there’s something more that I’m trying to say when I say

Harry, Harry,Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

(Blackout)

Act 1 Part 7

(Quirrell enters)

QUIRRELL: (to Voldemort) Master, the shipment for the first task of the tournament has just arrived!

VOLDEMORT: Yes, I know Quirrell. I hear everything that you hear!

(Quirrell takes off turban)

QUIRRELL: Isn’t this wonderful? We have made sure that Harry’s name was drawn from the cup and soon he will be ours!

VOLDEMORT: Yes… it’s really happening isn’t it Quirrell?... You know, with the plan going so well, I feel like maybe we should celebrate. What do you say Quirrell, how’s about we go out? I hear it’s karaoke night down at the Hog’s Head.

QUIRRELL: I don’t know, I have all these papers to grade, and I’ve been giving so much attention to this revenge plan that I’m really behind.

VOLDEMORT: Ahh come on Quirrell, you’ve been working so hard all year, you deserve a night off!

QUIRRELL: But the papers…

VOLDEMORT: Oh, just give them all “B-”s and be done with it!

QUIRRELL: Now that’s evil!

VOLDEMORT: Yeah, thanks. I am the Dark Lord. Come on, just a few drinks. And we’ll try to pick up some chicks.

QUIRRELL: I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m no good at that.

VOLDEMORT: Come on, it’ll be fun. You just move youre lips and I’ll do the talking.

QUIRRELL: Ummm…

VOLDEMORT: Quirrell…Man….Listen… I may just be a parasite on the back of your head that’s literally devouring your soul every time you take a breath, but I can see that you’re too good a guy not to have a bit of fun every once in a while. You deserve this.

QURRIELL: Well, if you put it that way, then sure, let’s go wild tonight.

VOLDEMORT: Ahhhh! That’s the spirit Quirrell. Put on a fresh pain of wizards shorts and grab your tunic. Quirrell, we are gonna get you laid. (Quirrell begins to exit)

VOLDEMORT: Seriously man, back when I had a body, I had mad game with the ladies. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange!

(They exit stage left as Harry, Ron and Hermione enter with the cloak stage right. Harry is in front)

RON: This cloak isn’t as big as it used to be.

HERMIONE: Shhhh! Someone’s coming!

(Draco, Crabbe and Goyle enter from behind them. Draco looks around in confusion)

DRACO: Did you just hear something?

GOYLE: No. Only quiet. Maybe one… raindrop.

DRACO: No matter… tell me, Goyle. Who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?

GOYLE: Uh… (Draco turns to him impatiently) Oh, Buckbeak for sure. (Draco nods in contemplation). Crabbe?

CRABBE: Uh, Winky the House elf.

DRACO: (Nodding) Good one… Obscure… You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what’d I’d give her on a scale from 1 to 10 with 1… 1 would be the ugliest, and then 10 would be really pretty… I would give her… an 8. (long pause) An 8.5… Not-not over a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That’s why I am holding out for a 10… because I’m worth it. Come on, let’s go.

(Draco turns towards Harry, Ron, and Hermione and sharply avoids them as he walks out. Crabbe and Goyle follow, both dodging the group.)

RON: Wow, what a bunch of jerks.

HERMIONE: Forget them. Now where did you say you saw those crates being delivered?

RON: I think they were being delivered to the auditorium, so they should be at the end of this hallway and to the left.

(They walk in place while the pillars move upstage in order to give the idea of walking forwards. A sheep in a cage is set on the right side of the stage.)

HARRY: Hey look!

HERMIONE: A goat?

HARRY: Oh my gosh, I have to fight a goat? I don’t know if I can do that morally.

(Snape and Albus enter)

SNAPE: And the goats have all been sent for feeding time, headmaster.

ALBUS: Feeding time? Dragons don’t want to be fed, they want to hunt!

HARRY: (to group) Did he just say dragons?

SNAPE: (to Albus) Did you just say “Did he just say dragons?”

ALBUS: I must have, because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to shut up…Potter!

SNAPE: Headmaster, do you really think it’s wise to have children fight dragons?

ALBUS: No, Snape I don’t think it’s wise to do anything anymore. Here I am alive and well today, but I could very well be killed by you, tomorrow.

SNAPE: Why that’s absurd!

ALBUS: Let’s go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? I have some pretty kickin’ posters on my wall.

(Snape and Albus exit towards the group. When they reach them they reach over the group and continue on)

SNAPE: I am rather tired.

(Harry takes off cloak after Snape and Albus exit)

HARRY: Man, I have to fight a dragon? This is bogus! How can I fight a dragon, I’m just a little kid?

RON: Well maybe it won’t be that bad Harry. Maybe you’ll just have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or Puff the Magic Dragon.

HERMIONE: Ron, this is serious! Harry could die. Alright, there’s still time. We just need to figure out a plan.

HARRY: Let’s get back to the commons.

(They exit)

Act 1 Part 9

(Voldemort and Quirrell enter, obviously drunk. Voldemort is giggling)QUIRRELL: I though walking home drunk was hard before

VOLDEMORT: We should’ve realize that with both of us drinking into one belly, we’d get twice as drunk. Hey Quirrell, do you remember that girl you were talking to? Well I was talking to her sister.

QUIRRELL: Oh, so that’s why she freaked out when we stood up!

VOLDEMORT: Because she didn’t know that we were the same person! Hahahaha!

QUIRRELL: You know, I haven’t had this much fun since Nearly Headless Nick’s death day party of ’91.

VOLDEMORT: I haven’t had this much fun since… well, I can’t remember ever having this much fun.

QUIRRELL: You never had fun ever? Doing anything? Maybe that’s why you’re so evil.

VOLDEMORT: Yeah maybe. I definitely nothing to do with the fact that muggles and mudbloods make me feel sick to my stomach, but yeah I guess you could be right…

QUIRRELL: What is it Voldemort?

VOLDEMORT: Oh, it’s just that I never really ever considered there was another reason for me being so evil. Because normally I just… I just kill people that try to get me to open up, you know? …Oops. It’s kinda nice to just talk.

QUIRRELL: Yeah, you know, I have to admit I was kind of nervous when you first demanded that you attach yourself to my soul.

VOLDEMORT: Yeah, I could sense that.

QUIRRELL: But like now I think it’s kind of cool. It’s like having a really close roommate or even…

VOLDEMORT: Yeah, like a slave… like a death eater.

QUIRRELL: No man, it’s like having a friend.

VOLDEMORT: I’ve never had a friend before.

QUIRRELL: Well it looks like you’ve got one now.

(“DIFFERENT AS CAN BE” REPRISE)QUIRRELL:I guess it’s plain to see When you look at you and meWe’re differentdifferentas can be

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:We simply guarantee When you’re looking at you and me were differentdifferentas can be

QUIRRELL: It’s a comedy of sorts when you’re bound to Voldemort

VOLDEMORT:And Im happy as a squirrelLong as Im with Mr. Quirrell

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:Well lead ‘em to the slaughter and we’ll murder Harry Potter

We’re differentDifferentDifferent, differentAs can be!

(Blackout)

Act 1 Part 10 (Snape is center stage. Oriental music is playing)

SNAPE: The Hogwarts champions must now enter the Champions’ tent in preparations of the first task. (Exit)

HARRY: (Enter with a luck sack) Man, I can’t believe I have to skip lunch period for this stupid task.

(Hermione enters)

HERMIONE: Okay Harry, today is the day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those notes I made for you on dragons?

HARRY: No, but at least I have my wand…

(Searches for wan, Hermione pulls wand out of her cloak)

HERMIONE: Here.

HARRY: (Taps her nose) You’re the best.

HERMIONE: Harry, please don’t die today. I don’t want to see my best friend get eaten by a dragon.

(They hug, Draco and Cedric enter)

CEDRIC: So, tell me more about this Pigfarts. I FIND it to be very interesting.

DRACO: Well, while you’re there you have to wear a spacesuit at all time, because there’s no atmosphere on Mars. So if a single docking bay door opens, you’ll probably die.

CEDRIC: How dreadful!

DRACO: But the good news is if you’re a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back.

CEDRIC: And he’s the headmaster lion?

DRACO: Who can talk!

CEDRIC: Well hello Harry, how are you feeling today?

HARRY: Hey Cedric, trying to stay positive.

CEDRIC: Well good! I’m happy to FIND you in good spirits. Ms. Granger.

HERMIONE: Hello.

(Cho is heard offstage then runs to Cedric)

CHO: Sugar pie!

CEDRIC: My darling!

HARRY: I hate that guy.

(Albus enters)

ALBUS: WOAH, Gosh Granger, I thought you were a Bogart. And what are you doing in the Champions’ tent? Get outta here! Ten more points.

HARRY: Thanks Hermione!

(Hermione exists)

ALBUS: Now are you kids ready to fight a dragon? Of course not you’re just children, what am I thinking? Now, outside this tent there are thousand upon thousands of screaming fans. They are either going to be cheering for you, or the dragon, but either way they are going to be making some kind of noise. So, in order for the selection process to be fair, I am randomly going to select a cardboard cutout size version of the dragon you will be facing. Cedric, for you… Puff the Magic Dragon. Cho…Figment the Imaginary Dragon. Draco… the reluctant dragon. And for you Potter… The Hungarian Horntail, the most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen in your whole life! Anyway, if three are no more complaints…

HARRY: Wait a second! This is terrifying, and those are the cutest things I’ve ever seen.

(Albus picks up Figment)

ALBUS: This thing is horrifying! Just use your imagination. Diapparate!

(Albus exits. Ron enters holding a box of Double-Stuffed Oreos)

RON: Oh my gosh, this competition is gonna suck! All these dragons are wimpy, Accio double-stuff. (takes a bite of Oreo then glances at Harry’s dragon) OH MY GOSH, MONSTER! Is that yours?

HARRY: Yeah.

RON: It’s awesome, I wanna hold it. Oh my gosh this thing is terrifying. I hope the real thing is smaller. RAWR! Ferocious. What are you going to do?

HARRY: I don’t know, I’m not cut out for this kind of stuff…

(Hermione enters, followed by Snape)

HERMIONE: Ron, you can’t be in here. This is the Champions’ tent…

SNAPE: Ms. Granger, what the devil are you doing in the Champions’ tent? Ten points from Gryffindor.

RON and HARRY: Thanks Hermione!

RON: Hey, good luck buddy. Bye Snape!

SNAPE: Bye!

(Ron and Hermione exit)

SNAPE: Cedric Diggory, now is you chance to face your dragon.

CEDRIC: Alright fellas, wish me luck.

CHO: I believe in you.

CEDRIC: That’s all I need to hear.

(Snape and Cedric exit)

HARRY: Hey Malfoy, tell you what, I’ll let you switch dragons with me. I’ll give you the chance to switch dragons with me. I’ll give you that opportunity.

DRACO: Um lemme think about--no.

HARRY: Come on, I’ll give you my Gushers.

DRACO: (Looking in bag) Oh. No, no. I have a Fruit-by-the-Foot, I don’t need that garbage.

(Snape enters)

SNAPE: Ms. Cho Chang, your dragon awaits.

CHO: Well I can’t IMAGINE that this will be very hard.

SNAPE: Then I IMAGINE it won’t be.

(They exit)

HARRY: Tell you what, I’ll throw in my Teddy Grahams WITH the Gushers and you can make little gusher teddy graham sandwiches.

DRACO: Alright, throw in that pack of Bugles and you’ve got yourself a deal.

HARRY: Absolutely not!

(Snape enters)

SNAPE: Draco Malfoy.

(Draco exist. Long pause)

HARRY: Professor Snape, is there any way I can forfeit, or change dragons or something?

(Snape pretends to pour Ketchup on Harry)

HARRY: What are you doing?

SNAPE: I’m protecting you, Potter. Welsh Greenbacks can’t stand the taste of Hunt’s Tomato Ketchup.

HARRY: But I’m not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I’m fighting a Hungarian Horntail.

SNAPE: Oh, well silly me. Hunt’s Tomato Ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love most of all. Out you go Potter. (Snape pushes Harry to center stage)

ALBUS: And now Harry Potter will fight the Hungarian Horntail. The most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen in your whole life. It should be noted that this particular dragon has not been fed in 2 weeks.

(Cheers for Harry. Dragon comes out from offstage and attacks Harry)

HARRY: Accio guitar! (Harry gets a guitar from one of the crowd members.

(“THE DRAGON SONG”)

HARRY:Hey dragon you don’t gotta do this Let’s reevaluate our options throw away our old presumptions cause really you don’t wanna go through this

I’m really not that special the Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone the truth is in the end I’m pretty useless without friends In fact I’m alone Just like now but anyhow

I spend my time at school trying to be this cool guy I never even asked for I don’t know any spells Still manage to do well But there’s only so long that can last for I’m living off the glory of some stupid children’s story I had nothing to do with I just sat there and got lucky so level with me buddy I can’t defeat thee so please don’t eat me All I can dois sing this song for you

HARRY:Lalalalala

DRAGON:Rarararara

HARRY:Lalalalala Lalala

HARRY: (speaking) That’s right Dragon

HARRY:You never asked to be a dragonI never asked to be a championWe both just jumped on the band wagon But all we need is guitar jamming

HARRY:Lalalalala

DRAGON:Rarararara

HARRY:Lalalalala Lalala

HARRY: (speaking) Goodnight Dragon

(Dragon slowly falls to the ground. Harry goes over to it and “pins” it down)

HARRY: 1, 2, 3 I beat the dragon!

(All cheer. Blackout)

Act 1 Part 11(Snape is seen holding a wreath center stage with a spotlight on him)

SNAPE: Attention all Hogwarts student, tonight is our annual Yule ball, so please remember to pick up your Yule ball wreath and give it to that special someone.

(Lights rise, Ginny enters)

SNAPE: AHH GINGER!

(Snape throws wreath at Ginny and runs offstage. Cho and posse enter right. Harry enters left, carrying a guitar.)

GINNY: (Hides wreath behind her back) Hey, Harry Potter.

HARRY: Hi Ginny.

GINNY: Fancy seeing you here.

HARRY: Well it is the cafeteria, so yeah.

GINNY: So… um… the Yule Ball is coming up.

HARRY: Yeah, I know. It is, it’s coming very soon.

GINNY: Well, were you thinking of going with anybody?

HARRY: I was. I was just waiting for the right time to ask somebody. (looks towards Cho) I think that time is about now, so if you got something to say, just say it now.

GINNY: (Show wreath to Harry and screams in excitement.)

HARRY: Oh, is this for me? Oh, Ginny how did you know that I needed a wreath so that I could ask Cho Chang? You’re the best!

GINNY: (saddened) Oh, Harry Potter. Just, forget it! (Storms offstage)

HARRY: Alright I will! (Moves to Cho) Hey, Cho Chang. Listen, um, I know the Yule Ball is coming up and I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me. But just in case you’re kind of on the fence about it, you should know that I play guitar. I conquered that dragon’s heart with it and I thought maybe I could conquer yours.

(“CHO’S SONG” REPRISE)HARRY:Youre tall and fun and prettyYoure really, really skinnyCho Chang

Im the Mickey to your MinnieYoure the Tigger to my WinnieCho Chang

Youre cuter than a guinea pigWanna take you up to WinnipegThat’s in Canada!

Cho Chang, Cho Cho Cho Cho China Ching Chong Cho Chang!