underappreciated & unpaid
DESCRIPTION
Anthology of Silenced Voices UC Davis. 2015TRANSCRIPT
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UNDERAPPRECIATED & UNPAID:
ANTHOLOGY OF SILENCED VOICES
UC DAVIS. 2015
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UNDERAPPRECIATED!&!UNPAID!!
•!!•!!•!!
ANTHOLOGY!OF!SILENCED!VOICES!!
•!!•!!•!!
DAVIS!2015!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Scout!Faller,!editor!!
THE!PRESS!PUBLISHING!DAVIS,!CA!95616!
☭!
CONTENTS'Introduction'by'Scout'!Helen!“Bea”!Bansen!What'does'forever'mean'to'children?'Lipstick'Dirt''@ghost!!'P(iss)erformance'Self'poorDtrait'1'Self'poorDtrait'2'Maybe'I'Am'Not''Tori3Ann!Porter!Testimonio'''Polly!Golikova!!Value/price''Liz!Seeley!16''Jessica!Friedman!Campus'Observations'We’ve'tried'to'tell'you''Amelia!Evard!California'A'Beginning'(Home)''Scout!On'watching'the'interview'Women'&'their'hair'!Pasha!Silva!!I'like'to'think'my'layer'was'love'Sex'With'You'
'Iris!Bloomfield!When'you'find'out!The'Unbearable'Voidness'of'Being'(Trans)'There'are'Breathing'Exercises'for'Everything'Schiz/incaesura''Akira!Olivia!Kumamoto!Because'she'turned'18'Getting'Screwed'in'Long'Beach'Educated'Acts'of'Urban'Renewal'iAiii'Insomnia'and'when'the'drawers'were'empty''Evangeline)Zhang)Dear'Americans'''Lauren)Calsada)Untitled'1'Untitled'2'Untitled'3''Afterword''
INTRODUCTION)
by#Scout#) In)the)beginning,)there)was)the)call)and)the)call)was)the)word:)
write.)Though)write#isn’t)quite)the)word)that)does)this)anthology)
justice;)the)action)of)making)poetry)cannot)be)encompassed)in)
something)so)small.)Sometimes)we)have)to)focus)our)swinging)cameraH
eye,)or)pick)through)painted)image,)or)find)the)music)of)the)line.)The)
call)was)for)a)radical)selfHexpression:)in)our)queerness,)our)femaleness,)
our)genderqueerness,)or)our)rejection)of)binaries)altogether.)This)
collection)of)writings)attempts)to)carve)out)a)space)for)recognition)
separate)from)the)white)heteropatriarchy,)everHpresent)within)both)
academia)and)the)publishing)industry.))
) Laura)Kipnis)from)Northwestern)University)made)the)alarming)
assertion)in)her)articles)about)teacherHstudent)relationships)(My#Title#IX,)Sexual#Paranoia#Strikes#Academe))that)the)potential)victimization)
of)students)to)academic)system,)and)the)faculty)as)an)extension)of)the)
system,)is)largely)invented.)She)critiques)the)term)‘survivor’)as)an)
appropriated)term)from)the)Holocaust,)something)that)has)no)place)in)
student)relations)in)academia.)She)insinuates)that)students)who)feel)
they)need)protection)from)faculty)within)academia)are)at)best)
melodramatic.)And)while)she)only)focuses)on)aspects)of)romantic)(and)
white,)and)heterosexual))relationships,)the)language)she)uses)here)is)
dangerous)and)alarming)in)its)implications.)Of)course)there)are)
survivors)within)the)student)body,)even)at)her)private)institutions)like)
Northwestern,)sexual)or)otherwise.)Kipnis’)restriction)to)the)issue)of)
sexual)harassment)allows)her)to)make)sweeping)statements)about)the)
enfranchisement)of)students)in)relation)to)their)faculty,)and)to)
question)the)victimhood)of)students)who)have)made)allegations)of)
harassment.)But)students)are)routinely)made)to)feel)unsafe)by)mere)
gesture:)a)misgendering)comment,)a)misplaced)assumption,)and)the)
silent)aggressions)rooted)in)misogyny)and)racism)that)displace)and)
dehumanize)us.))
) To)write)off)feelings)of)harassment,)marginalization,)and)
disempowerment)is)pretend)that)race,)class,)gender)and)sexuality)are)
somehow)erased)or)neutralized)within)the)academic)structure,)instead)
of)exacerbated.)To)stake)this)position)and)call)yourself)a)feminist)is)
myopic)in)a)way)that’s)both)disappointing)and)unsurprising.)
) I)hope)these)poets#strike#you.)I)hope,)in)our)attempt)to)confirm)and)understand)our)position)as)survivors)we)show)you)all)the)cunning,)flexibility)and)power)that)comes)from)that)phrase,)that)position.)To)survive)oppression)is)anything)but)passive.)The)raw)creation)that)results)is)material)evidence,)our)act)of)careful)attention)to)our)positions)and)our)commitment)to)pure)voyeurism.)The)poem)is)image)in)life,)and)the)images)we)project)engage)in)the)spectacle)of)resistance.))) I)want)press)my)palms)deep)into)the)affirming)nature)of)our)generation.)The)struggle)to)articulate)what)this)generation)is)‘about’)is)an)ongoing)conversation)that)is)both)amusing)and)largely)unrewarding.)From)what)I)can)see,)we)are)dangerously)selfHaware.)Sometimes)negligent)in)our)history)and)attempt)to)understand)our)voracious)newness,)we)live)in)a)historical)deadening.)We)are)ready)for)the)revolutions)we’ve)never)seen)but)felt)stirring)inside)of)us.)That’s)why)this)collection)is)brought)to)you)by)the)young)and)hungry.)Our)mutual)starved)nature)made)it)possible.)It)is)a)student)in)furious,)flurried)portraiture.)It)is)the)cultural)capital)that)stands)in)contrast)to)capitalist)structures.))) My)abuelita)used)to)steal)plants)from)malls,)from)out)of)the)public)planters.)She)would)uproot)ferns)in)front)of)restaurants.)She)would)slip)crayons)and)cookies)in)her)purse,)keep)napkins)in)her)car.)She)knew)what)it)meant)to)eat)every)last)scrap.)She)was)superstitious)and)moralizing,)she)crossed)herself)every)time)she)drove)freeway.)When)I)was)eight)and)potHbellied,)like)a)young)lord,)she)would)tell)me)to)suck)in)my)barriga)or)else)I’d)never)find)a)husband.)Then)she)would)take)me)to)Sizzler’s.)She)kept)her)jade)and)ivory)necklaces)in)an)elaborate)wooden)chest)under)her)crucifix.)She)didn’t)shy)away)from)decadence.)Her)survival)was)brave)and)gorgeous,)even)in)its)frequent)pettiness.)She)was)coquettish,)short,)attentionHseeking,)material.)She)cried)often,)especially)when)her)heart)failed)her.)The)medical)explanation)is:)her)body)carried)too)much)water,)couldn’t)flush)anything)out.)The)doctors)said)she)couldn’t)eat)her)favorite)foods)anymore)(grapefruit,)tangelos);)they)explained)things)inadequately)if)at)all,)they)avoided)answering)all)her)questions.)She)grew)big,)then)she)shrunk)small,)then)she)got)so)tiny)they)put)her)in)a)jar.)She)lies)on)the)mantel)now,)home)always.)Home)is)where)the)hearth)is.))) This)is)a)niche)where)we)can)articulate)their)pains,)big)and)small,)
and)recognize)that)we)will)not)be)satisfied)with)empty)gesture)of)prescriptive)or)symptomatic.)Our)hearts)hurt,)our)valves)are)broken.)We)are)walking)around)with)bellies)and)limbs)full)of)water.)We)are)weary)but)when)we)take)a)moment)to)collect,)as)we)do)now,)when)we)find)solidarity)and)alliance)with)each)other)in)this)moment,)our)word)can)be)our)healing.))) The)word)of)these)contributors)has)been)integral)to)my)healing,)and)their)word)is)write,)sometimes)spelled)revolution.)I’m)so)humbled)by)the)submissions)I)received)and)the)conversations)I’ve)had)as)a)result)of)this)anthology.)I)felt)incredibly)vulnerable)at)every)point)of)the)process.)I’d)like)to)thank:)Bea,)Iris,)Akira,)Evangeline,)Jessica,)@ghost,)Amelia,)Polly,)Liz,)Lauren,)Tori,)and)Pasha)for)showing)me)your)spirit)and)strength.)You)are)gorgeous.))
BEA$BANSEN$
$
what%does%forever%mean%to%children?%$
Forever$is$a$house$that$is$constantly$being$built$
constantly$burning$
But$Talia$(she’s$eight)$
doesn’t$see$it$that$way$
$
she$tells$me$she’s$been$learning$piano$forever$
because$her$memory$is$so$short$
she$doesn’t$remember$when$she$started$
she$tells$me$she$hopes$I$am$her$babysitter$forever$
she$hopes$it$stays$summer$forever$
forever$falls$so$easily$from$her$very$pink$lips$
$
but$I$have$been$seeing$this$girl$for$a$year$now$
and$I$can’t$summon$forever$
can’t$promise$next$week$
every$day$is$a$question$
is$Talia$mumbling$“five$more$minutes”$
because$she$doesn’t$want$to$go$to$bed$
but$cannot$keep$her$eyes$open$
$
I$have$promised$someone$forever$
and$been$disappointed$
but$today$
our$love$is$old$as$a$toddler$
still$unstable$on$its$own$two$feet$
still$wants$to$hold$hands$when$we$go$across$the$street$
still$needs$bedtime$stories$and$lots$of$attention$
it$needs$things$to$hold$onto$to$know$that$it$is$real$
$
if$it$ever$gets$to$be$as$old$as$Talia$
I$imagine$our$love$will$be$smart$the$same$way$
won’t$be$scared$of$the$dark$anymore$
$
our$love$will$always$be$asking$for$five$more$minutes$
it$will$never$be$a$burning$house$
it$will$always$mean$forever$
$
$
$
%lipstick%$
I$look$terrible$in$lipstick$
My$lips$are$too$thin$
too$dry$
My$best$bet,$
my$great$aunt$always$said$
was$to$emphasize$my$eyes$
so$I$did$
I$mastered$all$kinds$of$eye$makeup$
I$can$do$winged$liner$in$a$minute$
but$I$have$no$idea$what$to$do$with$my$lips$
$
And$yet,$every$time$I$go$to$the$store$
I$feel$pulled$to$that$corner$
Feel$called$to$test$out$every$shade$
Want$to$memorize$what$it$is$to$have$lips$
that$are$cherry$red$
or$baby$pink$
or$even$blue$
$
I$love$lipstick$
It$is$the$potential$of$a$million$kisses$
It$is$the$flash$of$a$smile$in$the$dark$corner$of$the$bar$
The$Audrey$Hepburn$glance$
It$is$my$portrait$of$femininity$
The$kind$of$thing$that$I$have$never$fit$well$in$
$
For$me,$being$a$girl$means$being$a$portrait$
I$can$only$manage$it$when$I$hold$still$
when$my$makeup's$just$so$
when$I've$spent$hours$in$front$of$a$mirror$
getting$it$right$
$
It$is$not$second$nature$
I$don't$wear$it$easily$on$my$skin$
I$am$more$fish$than$land$
more$slouch$than$dance$
My$femininity$comes$at$a$price$
that$I'm$not$sure$I$am$willing$to$pay$
$
But$I$worship$it$silently$in$the$quiet$of$my$room$
Wish$I$could$fit$in$its$quiet,$languid$ease$
I$want$to$be$feminine$in$a$recognizable$way$
want$to$do$it$easily$
understand$the$ritual$as$part$of$my$identity$
want$to$accept$myself$for$whatever$I$am$
but$I$can't$
$
Because$the$way$I$was$taught$
was$that$there$was$one$way$to$be$a$woman$
One$way$to$be$acceptable$
and$loved$
and$okay$
and$I$didn't$feel$like$any$of$those$things$
$
I$still$want$so$badly$to$believe$
that$my$love$of$lipstick$has$nothing$to$do$
with$me$feeling$as$though$
on$my$own$
I$am$voiceless$
Maybe$if$someone$was$focusing$on$my$mouth$
they$would$finally$hear$me$
screaming$
dirt%$
The$first$time$I$made$love$to$a$woman$
every$single$second$hinged$on$the$"now"$
The$smell$of$her$skin$and$the$taste$of$her$mouth$
Her$fingers$in$my$hair$
and$the$hips$guiding$mine$onto$the$bed$
$
We$made$love$in$a$frenzy$
Time$blending$to$dark$sky$
We$knocked$over$a$potted$plant$in$my$window$sill$
and$didn't$stop$to$clean$up$the$mess$
we$slept$that$night$caked$in$dirt$
and$woke$up$the$next$morning$blooming$
@GHOST'
!
!
!
TORI%ANN(PORTER(!!Testimonio!!
I(am(a(millennial.(Born(to(a(mixed(race(Latina(single(mother(in(the(barrios(of(San(Diego.(The(Afro%Latin(blood(coursing(through(my(veins(gave(way(to(a(different(consciousness,(the(one(of(being(Black,(Queer(and(genderqueer(in(Amerikkka.(I(use(three(K’s(in(the(“America”(to(symbolize(the(white(supremacist(extremist(framework(of(“America”.(I(came(from(a(family(who(were(torn(apart(by(generations(of(racism(within(the(household.(Victoria(Ann(Marie(Ameyamor(Espinoza(Porter,(the(names(given(to(me(from(generations(of(resilient(women(who(held(together(mi(familia(while(battling(the(oppressions(in(the(calles(of(Los(Angeles.(I(am(the(daughter(of(two(adopted(parents,(one(who(was(adopted(from(his(home(in(Puerto(Rico(into(the(home(of(his(grandmother(and(one(who(was(given(away(by(her(own(grandmother(for(being(un(negro.(I(am(the(generation(of(post(9/11(and(pre%revolution.(I(am(a(millennial.(The(shade(of(brown(that(kissed(my(skin(showed(me(other(privileges(that(I(did(not(possess.((( Not(much(after(I(came(into(the(academic(institution(here(at(UC(Davis,(I(was(able(to(find(my(confidence.(Growing(up(I(aspired(to(be(white(with(straight(hair.(I(hated(the(way(my(Afro%Boricua(curly(locks(spiraled(in(all(directions(creating(a(cloud(of(puff(on(my(head.(I(did(not(feel(worthy(of(love(and(allowed(older(womxn(to(take(advantage(of(my(body.(My(brown(body(was(not(valuable.(White(women(are(reified(as(the(incarnation(of(both(sexual(and(racial(purity.(The(reification(is(bought(at(the(price(of(the(devaluation(of(women(of(color.(I(was(in(countless(relationship(with(female(identified(people(who(used,(abused(and(devalued(my(body(for(their(own(self%preservation.(I(allowed(the(white(supremacist(Amerikkkan(framework(colonize(my(mind,(body(and(spirit.(It(told(me(that(my(body(was(not(worthy(of(the(love(and(care(that(white(bodies(are(born(with.(The(legacy(of(the(Americas(is(violence(and(exploitation(based(on(sex,(gender,(race,(sexuality,(class,(culture,(and(physical(condition—based(on(the(power(and(privilege(to(exploit(and(oppress(others(that(each(of(those(elements(confer(on(us.(I(am(a(millennial,(born(after(the(civil(rights(movements,(whose(body(is(still(exoticized,(sexualized(and(devalued.(But(the(shades(of(brown(that(kiss(my(skin(give(way(to(a(new(sexuality(consciousness(that(heteropatriarchy(tried(to(deviate.((( My(queerness(is(a(political(statement.(Every(time(I(call(myself(Queer(I(am(unshackling(the(chains(that(were(put(upon(my(feet(the(moment(I(took(my(first(breathe.(Being(Queer(was(not(an(option(for(me(it(was(life(or(death.(I(tried(to(be(heterosexual(but(I(felt(something(was(missing.(I(engaged(in(relationships(with(boys(who(were(sexist(and(who(constantly(asked(me(to(expose(my(body(to(themselves.(Over(and(over(again(we(are(reminded(that(sex(and(race(do(not(define(a(person’s(politics.(My(race(and(sex(do(define(my(politics.(Being(Queer(is(more(than(sexuality,(it’s(a(way(you(navigate(the(heteropatriarchial(system,(which(perpetuates(heteronormativity,(cisgenderism,(and(stereotypes(on(sexuality(and(gender.(I(call(myself(QPOC((Queer(Person(of(Color)(because(like(all(groups(of(people(there(are(those(who(are(excluded(and(those(who(are(privileged.(We(cannot(talk(about(sexuality(without(talking(about(race.(We(come(from(a(marginalized(sexuality(while(still(marginalizing(are(own(people.(The(shades(of(brown(that(kiss(my(skin(
made(me(Queer(both(by(race(and(by(sexuality.(But(these(shades,(which(made(me(
conscious(about(my(sexuality,(gave(me(a(consciousness(of(my(gender.((
( I(am(a(millennial,(the(generation(that(continues(to(be(socialized(to(the(socially(
constructed(gender(norms.(I(had(been(born(a(girl,(assigned(female(at(birth,(but(felt(like(
one(of(the(guys.(I(was(a(Tomboy(and(never(conformed(to(the(gender(norms(for(boys(and(
girls.(I(was(just(me,(neither(male,(nor(female.((I(felt(comfortable(in(my(body(but(I(felt(
more(masculine(some(days(and(more(feminine(other(days.(My(gender(fluidity(scared(
people(that(I(was(subjected(to(forms(of(physical(and(verbal(abuse(from(my(peers.(I(am(not(
confused,(I(know(who(I(am.(The(institutions(that(continue(the(discourse(around(gender(
make(me(an(invert.(I(am(a(combination(of(multi%facet(characteristics(that(come(together(
in(a(perfect(Queering.(I(am(genderqueer.(Genderqueer,(as(in(“Fuck(you”(to(the(
institutions(that(continue(to(push(gender(binaries.(What(we(are(suffering(from(is(an(
absolute(despot(duality(that(says(we(are(able(to(be(only(one(or(the(other.(It(claims(that(
human(nature(is(limited(and(cannot(evolve(into(something(better.(But(I,(like(other(Queer(
people,(am(two(in(one(body,(both(male(and(female.(I(am(the(embodiment(of(the(hieros(
gamos:(the(coming(together(of(opposite(qualities(within.(My(shades(of(brown(that(kiss(my(
skin(gave(way(to(a(racial(oppression(consciousness.((
( Afro%Puerto(Rican(is(the(combination(of(two(cultures(of(resistance(and(power.(The(
shades(of(brown(that(kiss(our(skin(are(a(form(of(resistance(from(colonial(power(that(once(
conquered(our(land.(Being(Afro%Latin(I(went(through(a(questioning(of(my(identity(
because(I(was(raised(as(Latin@(but(Amerikkka’s(definition(of(Blackness(formed(how(I(seen(
myself.(Amerikkka’s(one%drop(rule(made(me(Black,(trying(to(erase(my(culture(that(my(
familia(was(writing(in(my(head.(I(am(Black,(a(descent(of(enslaved(people(and(womxn(who(
fought(to(keep(my(culture(alive.(White(Supremacy(tried(to(erase(my(shades(of(brown(that(
gave(way(to(my(consciousness.((
( I(did(not(always(love(my(shades(of(brown(that(blessed(my(skin.(My(grandmother(
was(the(womxn(who(made(me(want(to(be(lighter.(She(believed(whiteness(was(closer(to(
godliness(and(because(of(her(I(was(afraid(to(be(in(the(sun(or(I’ll(turn(to(un(negro.(She(told(
me(of(stories(of(beautiful(fair(skinned(womxn(who(conquered(the(world.(My(familia(hated(
their(shades(of(brown.(The(white(man(took(the(beauty(we(seen(in(our(eyes(and(colonized(
it,(making(our(shade(deviant(and(unnatural.(My(shades(are(what(white(women(aspired(to(
have,(spending(thousands(to(maintain.(While(they(appropriate(my(shades,(my(familia(still(
finds(ways(to(love(them.(The(shades(of(brown(that(kiss(my(skin(gave(way(to(my(
revolutionary(consciousness.((
( I(am(married(to(the(revolution.(Capitalism(perpetuates(and(feeds(all(systems(of(
oppression(that(keep(people(with(my(shades(from(moving(forward.(The(revolution(
promotes(equality,(matriarchy,(equal(distribution(of(resources(and(the(decriminalization(
of(mi(familia,(my(people,(and(mi(barrio.(I(am(a(descendant(of(powerful(revolutionary(
people(who(have(been(criminalized(for(sticking(to(what(they(believed(in.(Che,(Malcolm(X,(
Assata(Shakur,(are(my(heroes.(I(am(resistant(to(the(capitalist(society(that(profits(off(of(the(
genocide(of(my(people.(I(am(socialist(because(I(believe(that(the(one(percent(should(not(be(
able(to(run(our(land.(In(order(to(create(a(successful(revolution(we(must(not(recreate(the(
same(systems(of(oppression(and(discrimination(that(capitalism(socializes(us(to(believe.(I(
want(to(change(society,(to(liberate(Black(and(Brown(people,(Queer(people,(Trans(people,(
womxn(in(all(forms,(and(children.(The(nationalism(I(seek(is(one(that(decolonizes(the(brown(and(female(body(as(it(decolonizes(the(brown(and(female(earth.(The(shades(of(brown(that(kiss(my(skin(gave(way(to(my(feminist(consciousness.((( I(do(not(hate(men.(I(do(not(aspire(to(kill(off(the(male(population,(nor(do(I(aspire(to(allow(men(to(suffer.(I(am(a(feminist(because(I(aspire(to(liberate(all(womxn(in(all(forms.(I(hope(to(dismantle(the(claws(of(patriarchy(and(the(shackles(of(misogyny.(I(am(a(feminist(to(resist(patriarchy(and(misogyny(everywhere,(to(receive(just(for(crimes(that(target(womxn(on(a(mass(scale.(I(am(a(feminist(because(I(believe(rape(culture(should(not(be(a(culture.(I(am(a(feminist(because(I(am(Queer.(I(am(a(feminist(because(I(want(to(liberate(all(people(and(end(socially(constructed(hegemony(that(was(created(during(colonization.(The(shades(of(brown(that(kiss(my(skin(made(me(who(I(am.((( I(am(a(millennial.(Born(to(a(familia(of(resilient(people(who(have(resisted(the(white(supremacist(society(to(give(me(life.(The(shades(of(brown(that(kiss(my(skin(give(way(to(a(decolonized(consciousness.(We(are(all(beautiful(no(matter(what(white(supremacy(tells(us.(Langston(Hughes(once(told(me,(“Beautiful,(are(the(souls(of(my(people.”((
POLLY%GOLIKOVA%!value/price!%i.%%
how%will%the%reckoners%%%%%%%%recognize%
how%well%we%fare%when%we%figure%our%welfare%from%
%%%the%wealth%spent%on%%%
%%%%%%%%%%illness—%when%every%pill%is%a%profit%%%%%%&%every%gurney%is%a%gain%%% % good%health%is%
%%%%%%%%%%for%the%heathens%%%ii.%%
i%will%not%be%paid%when%i%will%work%until%i%vomit%
%%%%%%but%i%will%work%%%%%%%%%until%my%back%aches%%%%%%%%%%%%%&%my%tits%are%sore%&%swollen%
&%my%joints%are%loose%&%my%center’s%flesh%is%stretched%taut%%&%i%will%not%be%paid%
for%giving%life%to%labor%for%producing%productivity%%% itself%
%%iii.%%% % %some%mothers%% % cannot%feed%their%children%without%first% % % feeding%strangers%
LIZ$SEELEY$!16!$i$was$so$angry$at$my$mom$when$she$told$me$she$wanted$to$kill$herself$$but$now$i$understand$(?)$$$maybe$its$because$we$are$both$spoiled$white$girls$..$that$really$probably$is$it$!
JESSICA'FRIEDMAN'
!!Campus!Observations!!'
Hunt'Hall''
'
The'bathroom'smells'okay'
'for'a'bathroom''
As'a'womyn'it'feels'awkward'to'be'around'other'womyn''
The'paper'towels'strewn'onto'the'ground''
The'existential'crisis'seeping'in'like'water''
Wondering'if'anyone'is'cognizant'about'the'environmental'design'program'here''
As'the'paper'towels'are'voiceless''
Their'diluted'image'of'pollution''
The'lack'of'compost'bins''
The'lack'of'paper'recycling''
The'accessibility'seems'stable'here'in'the'bathroom''
The'upstairs'is'a'whole'other'set'of'variables''
A'creative'space'of'students''
Shut'up'with'invisible'locks''
And'no'smiles'in'the'uncertainty'room'of'creativity''
A'teacher'tells'students'that'aren’t'the'teacher’s'students'to'leave''
We'abide'obediently''
The'small'voices'trapped'in'these'white'walls'signify'a'lack'of'community''
But'the'outside'world'is'too'bright'to'describe''
The'Unitrans'buses'outside'send'waves'of'humanity'toward'the'plaque'building''
Plaque'white'walls'reflected'onto'homogenous'tables''
Where'is'the'community'here'on'these'blank'white'walls?'''
A'class'on'Chican@'studies'in'Hunt'Hall'Room'100''
Reminds'us'about'history'and'language''
How'the'people'in'this'room'listen''
Is'a'soundtrack'of'learning''
The'professor'laments'about'the'indiscrepencies'of'language'and'the''
Lost'cultural'traditions'and'history'to'the''
White'world'of'literacy''
A'story'about'a'14SyearSold'boy'next'to'his'dying'father''
Both'migrated'from'urbanism'to'the'desert''
One'family'member'left''
Painted'by'a'researcher'only'to'be'told'as'a'relic'of'UC'Davis’'own'education'
system''
Cistem,'radicalism,'gender,'nature'of'oppression''
Oral'tradition,'the'professor'proceeds'to'tell'the'class''
Is'more'important'to'the'Latin@'identity'of'literacy''
Than'the'profitable'educators'that'are'indicative'of'colonialism''The'driver'of'modern'language''A'deep'breath''The'rest'of'Hunt'Hall'doesn’t'breathe'the'same''The'bathrooms'don’t'tell'this'same'story''Nothing'in'this'building'is'as'poignant'in'smell''As'the'painting'of'the'boy'with'his'dead'father'is''To'the'class'of'150'students'in'Hunt'100.''!Bike'paths'off'of'California'Ave''
'Sounds'that'make'themselves'known:''Birds,'the'rattles'of'chains'on'bikes,'the'heavy'machinery'of'construction,'voices,'laughter''The'tapping'of'feet''Constant'movement'on'this'campus''The'same'old'faces'looking'up'the'new'blank'faces'looking'down''Some'people'wear'uniforms,'some'wear'street'clothes''Why'the'construction'continues''When'The'House,'a'selfShelp'house'for'students'is'still'closed'after'6'months''Context'fuels'the'confusion'of'the'university'structure''Go,'Stop,'Yield,'Backwards,'Forwards''Bikes'explain'this'concept'with'ease''There'aren’t'that'many'signs'here''But'there'are'cars'and'electric'vehicles'and'bikes'and'voices''So'many'voices'saying'class'talk'and'finding'community'conversations''As'valuable'as'a'relic'of'an'building''It’s'so'surprising'the'way'people'can''Walk'their'bikes'and'talk'so'smooth''And'stare'into'each'other’s'souls'without'hands'holding''And'not'fall''How'sustainability'is'place'driven''And'observation'isn’t'sustainability''How'fast'people'can'ride'through'a'vast'changing'landscape''With'earphones'in'their'iphones''And'silent'bike'lanes'for'5'minutes''Don’t'notice'the'drone'of'the'heavy,'hardhat'labor'5'feet'away''The'hypothesis'is'that'nothing'exciting'was'going'to'happen''We'were'wrong'''Food'Science'and'Technology'Building'(3rd'St.)'''Snuck'into'the'Food'Science'and'Technology'Building''Maybe'it'was'lively'in'2005,'but'that'was'10'years'ago''
The'gaseous'laboratories'have'been'sterilized'except'for'the'peanut'shells'and'the'freezer'that'ceases'to'turn'off''It'is'always'surprising'to'be'in'such'a'cold,'unused'room''And'to'look'out'of'the'window'at'a'changing'landscape''With'a'new'building'here'a'taller'building'there'a'truck'a'white'truck''With'a'UC'Davis'Construction'and'Facilities'label'in'such'clean'sticker'print''We'saw'over'10'empty'large'rooms''There'are'so'many'uses'here''Creativity'spreads'like'a'fax'sheet'through'minds'of'hungry''Environmental'designers'on'a'crisp'Winter'day''Creativity'plants'seeds'into'minds'like''A'plant'propagation'class''But'no'seeds'will'grow'until'every'mind'is'a'garden''When'will'UC'Davis'design'for'gardens?''Will'they'approach'buildings'as'trash'instead?'''
we’ve%tried%to%tell%you!to!get!support!for!the!various!!clues,!the!footprints!behind!the!bed!!we’ve!tried!to!direct!ourselves!!in!a!zigzag!pattern!like!a!straight!line!in!the!landscape!!queer!in!form,!queer!in!shape!!we’re!calling!you!but!the!keys!on!the!phone!!break!like!shattered!glass,!like!cold!ice!in!tooth!!we’re!realizing!that!rainbows!don’t!give!cues!!that!they!aren’t!running!towards!water!and!!ivy!instead!sprouts!on!concrete!sidewalks!!eye!drops!mimic!red!eyes!!in!canyons!high!above!beds!!and!beds!don’t!symbolize!sleep!anymore!!they!are!pathetic!ruins!for!dreams!!we’re!reaching!towards!blue!skies!!when!we!look!each!other!in!the!eye!and!try!to!describe!!how!thighs!aren’t!high!enough!on!facebook!and!!trying!isn’t!concrete!enough!for!paths!!and!green!roofs!don’t!have!access!to!plants!anymore!!we!don’t!have!access!to!our!voice!!in!the!small!basement!where!our!heart!runs!dry!from!the!sunless!wooden!ceiling!where!flies!buzz!around!brains!in!a!million!boxes!!is!where!we’ll!find!our!own!small!voice!!trapped!in!bee!boxes!wondering!why!honey!isn’t!brown!!and!how!stingrays!fly!in!water!!we!have!tried!over!and!over!again!!to!tell!each!other!something!about!ourselves!!how!the!rainbows!fade!into!a!smile!!how!the!poems!drop!onto!the!canvas!like!a!painting!!how!in!darkness!we!can’t!see!!and!we’re!tripped!over!dirt!directly!into!the!heels,!the!high!heels!!they!planted!us!over!and!tilled!us!into!fields!of!!ivy!as!in!i’ve!been!trying!to!tell!you!about!the!glass!walls!that!suffocate!breath!!on!tree!fringed!posts!saying!“Where!are!we!going?”!!Answering!“I!don’t!know”!a!million!times!exaggerated!over!!and!we!still!can’t!ask!for!help!because!!the!nightmares!creep!in!like!sunlight!on!rainy!pavement!!and!asphalt!has!overlain!me!into!a!landscape!!that!I!am!only!a!gene!and!there!is!no!hierarchy!!there!is!no!landscape!!in!the!vast!space!of!brain!!but!there!are!tunnels!!and!there!are!roofs!and!boxes!and!sometimes!!a!box!isn’t!empty!!
it!has!grown!lush!furniture!of!lies!into!it!!well!if!it’s!worth!saying!anything!!we’ll!sit!in!it!smoking!the!dead!grass!!unveiling!our!face!painted!with!canvas!gesso!!our!hearts!blowing!funeral!horns!!our!mouths!mimicking!media!!our!knees!penetrating!barbed!wire!!our!mouths!motionless!until!we’re!ready!to!give!up!and!say!“I!don’t!know”!!when!we!really!ought!to!say!“We!don’t!know!any!better.”!!!2.!!I!don’t!know!!A!common!response!!from!the!tinfoilEwrapped!up!zombie!!What!are!your!needs?!!The!voices!cast!a!spell!as!small!lights!unveil!their!shadows!across!our!cheeks!!in!what!used!to!be!summer!in!the!dead!of!winter!and!the!only!things!that!appear!!off!of!Alex!Trebek,!Zoolander,!Dr.!Evil’s!faces!are!“I!don’t!know.”!!How!are!friends!supposed!to!help!other!friends!when!they!really!don’t!know!!how!to!respond!to!the!deep!dark!zones!of!questions!!or!the!vocabulary!tests!or!bank!statements!or!the!basic!person!on!the!other!end!!of!the!line!!How!and!when!did!“I!don’t!know”!become!!the!prayer!we!say!to!ourselves!as!a!way!to!become!silent!!When!silence!creeps!up!like!a!baseball!bat!in!a!homogenous!baseball!game!is!when!the!knowledge!spread!like!spider!webs!across!the!left!most!corner!!of!that!haunted!bed!in!the!station!we!are!home!!“I!don’t!know”!rambles!across!billboards!all!throughout!the!state!!It!pulses!as!hearts!do!when!they!race!for!oxygen,!but!the!same!time!has!come!to!blame!!myself!!for!feeling!nothing!for!feeling!a!sense!of!urgency!in!the!blankness!of!life!and!all!!that!it!has!redeemed!only!in!coins!of!5!and!10!and!the!symbolism!!behind!the!foolish!baby!girl!roams!as!it!shits!minds!and!magic!horoscopes!!we!don’t!know!really!we!want!to!say!our!needs!!are!sincerity!a!slap!in!the!face!nonviolence!hot!summer!beaches!spring!break!!what!are!your!needs!it’s!perfect!!i’ll!just!shut!the!fuck!up!and!say!it:!“spring!break”!that’s!all!i!want!!!
AMELIA&EVARD&!california!&he&feels&safe,&like&white&lies&and&catacombs.&like&crooked&teeth&and&&rotting&leaves&at&the&end&of&autumn.&&&a&whole&season&left&untouched&on&&phones&and&fault&lines;&we&crack&walnuts&like&cracked&coastal&knees.&&apricot&orchards&are&sunken/sinking&and&it&is&true&that&it&is&difficult&to&be&honest&in&your&own&bruised&skin.&chapped&lips&and&the&salty&ache&of&suburbia&has&a&way&of&settling&in&the&soft&pits&of&your&stomach.&&in&the&valley&i’m&told&the&cold&pacific&ocean&will&teach&more&than&you&need:&the&worth&of&erosion,&of&splintering&the&fluorescent&hum&of&home,&of&here.&&&&
a"Beginning!!the!fever!of!july!and!his!gap!teeth!call,!while!I!am!still!sleeping.!!these!are!the!things!I!have!tried!to!learn,!unzipping!my!spine!into!the!belly!of!this!!place.!!be!tender,!glow!in!the!dark,!forget!how!to!pronounce!your!Own!name.!!sleeping,!sleeping.!sundays!aren’t!safe!here!anymore.!an!entire!life!defined!in!distance!!and!dust.!!
(home)'!!The!slow!steady!pull!and!the!ache!of!the!!evening!tide!bear!back!the!!fleeting!moments!in!!the!parking!meter’s!empty,!ticking,!clicking,!!!heart.!Sweet,!repulsive.!!And!the!human!body!is!made!entirely!of!tubes;!hollow.!!!The!pipe!organ!asked,!!aren’t!we!all!just!doing!our!best?!Yes.!!Cling!to!the!buoy!home,!bearing!us!back.!Return,!returning,!to!a!hollow!place.!!
SCOUT&!on!watching!the!!interview!&
i&haven’t&had&many&loves,&
maybe&3&or&4&
and&all&
cis&framed&
&
then&(s)he&tells&me&&
she&is¬,&&
but&some&other&
gorgeous&&&fearless&thing&
&
bruce&comes&out&on&the&cover&of&
vogue.&&
& and&people&
part&paths&of&&
fear&and&joy&around&her&
&
& & me,&i&think&of&athletes.&&
running&gold&on&gold&track&
but&the&medal&a&brusque&color&
like&brassy&knobs&
&
they&award&you&for&
one&form,&they&reward&
you&for&another&
&
i&am&neither&man&&
nor&
athlete—&i&wear&
too&many&curves&
to&run&them&&
&
i&am&neither&woman&
nor&
medal—&no&brass&
or&gold&in&these&
steel&beams&&
&
i&say&“i&am&happy&for&bruce”&
but&start&crying&
and&do¬&stop&for&6&weeks&&
&
&
&
&
&
&
how&&
&&&do&you&&
&&&&&&&&&&wear&and&&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
how&&
do&
&you&
&love&and&&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
&
how&do&you&run&and&how&do&you&stop&
running!
PASHA%SILVA%!I!like!to!think!my!layer!was!love!
%I%could%tell%you%had%had%many%visitors%%And%your%walls%had%been%painted%over%and%over%and%over%Layer,%color%Layer,%color%Layer,%color%%When%I%walked%into%your%house%%You%painted%it%all%orange%And%your%chest%was%open%Your%heart%so%tough%yet%raw%A%blood%orange%%But%I%couldn’t%even%see%past%the%first%layer%My%layer%%Was%silly%smiles%And%sleepless%nights%The%good%kind%And%lingering%hugs%turned%full%on%clinging%grasps%And%short%breaths%finally%deepening%To%an%open%comfort%of%skin%and%lips%and%even%belt%buckles%Turned%soft%and%familiar%A%blood%orange%%The%red%paint%from%underneath%seeping%through%%A%blood%orange%That%ate%away%at%you%%So%I%was%desperate%to%get%it%off%I%sat%in%the%corner%of%the%house%while%you%were%At%school%%Or%work%And%I%frantically%flicked%off%the%paint%with%my%nails%I%put%it%in%my%mouth%and%I%inhaled%Ingested%%I%was%not%entirely%shocked%by%the%colors%I%found%there%But%the%number%of%layers%was%daunting%%And%I%cried%for%you%
For%your%loss%yellow%And%your%pain%gray%And%blue%abuse%And%green%abandoned%And%purple%bewildered%%And%I%slowly%fell%in%love%with%you%Crying%in%a%corner%%Layer%%After%color%%After%layer%%But%like%the%visitor%I%was%%I%parted%What%I%had%not%picked%off%%Of%my%blood%orange%You%painted%stark%white%for%your%next%guest%How%your%paint%gave%me%emotional%lead%poisoning%Compared%to%you%%I%have%no%room%to%complain%But%the%sickness%%Is%present%all%the%same%A%hurt%%Like%that%which%corresponds%to%a%daily%stretch%That%you%learn%to%breathe%into%rather%than%back%away%from%And%day%after%day%I%leaned%As%the%paint%was%cleaned%From%under%my%fingernails%%Breathe%Lean%Breathe%%And%I%exhaled%%%Blood%orange%%
Sex$With$You$
Is#like#going#on#an#adventure#without#you#
It’s#mystery#excitement#hesitation#
In#anticipation#of#your#touch#
Sex#with#you#is#dancing##
Terribly#
With#only#people#you#love#watching#
And#smiling#and#laughing#
Sex#with#you#is#artwork#
That#is#nameless#and#shameless#
And#probably#rainbow#colored#
Don’t#worry##
It’s#not#that#I#think#about#you#too#much#
Or#can’t#get#you#out#of#my#mind#because#I#can#
It’s#my#body#that#has#a#hard#time#
It#is#programmed#to#retrace#
Lips,#hips,#friction,#fusion,#whimpers,#scratches#
Sex#with#you##
Is#tripping#on#a#curb#
But#nobody#sees#
It’s#bodily#physically#imagery#
My#skin#can’t#stop#reEseeing#
ReEstating#rewinding#redoing#
Sex#with#you#is#candy#
Not#meant#for#young#children#
Sugar#I#am#still#rushed#on#
Sugar#
Sex#with#you###
Is#singing#with#my#body#
Because#my#lips##
Are#preoccupied#
IRIS$BLOOMFIELD$!when!you!find!out!$
if$shame$fails$:$you$corner$me$into$loving$myself.$
$
i$am$your$mythical$bird$
who$sets$herself$on$fire$
and$jumps$off$the$golden$gate$bridge.$
before$i$hit$the$water,$
you$wake$up.$
$
you$are$here:$a$solid$body$/$i$am$water$
under$a$mountain,$and$still$learning$
how$to$say$“thank$god”$to$a$panic$attack.$
$
nothing$happens$for$years.$
they$keep$telling$me$to$love$the$self$that$is$notIself.$
i$start$going$by$the$pronouns$they/them/theirs.$
$
my$existence$is$an$argument$and$i$am$tired.$
my$existence$is$an$apology$and$i$am$sorry.$
$
my$therapist$at$the$time$just$smiled$and$said$“maleIbodied”$$
as$if$placating$an$overanxious,$pedantic$child.$$
he$also$believed$that$lesbian$couples$fucked$up$their$male$children$$
by$metaphorically$castrating$them.$
$
and$the$silence$that$comes$from$this$
$
$
2013:$$
$
mercury$is$in$retrograde$for$the$hundredthIandIwhatever$time$this$month.$
$
it$is$raining$and$boneIweary$cold$in$my$dorm.$
$
everything$hurts$and$nothing$has$worked$out.$
$
silence.$am$i$dead$yet?$$
$
i$fold$myself$up$and$think,$maybe!next!time,!!maybe!next!time.$
The$Unbearable$Voidness$of$Being$(Trans)$!Fire!algae!blooms!in!my!chest!Looking!out!over!ocean!Where!“look”!is!“confession”!And!“ocean”!is!“in”!!!!!!!!!(as$in:$ingrown$thorn)$And!laughter!the!negative!space
There%are%Breathing%Exercises%for%Everything%%“there%are%breathing%exercises%for%everything%/%except%learning%to%love%yourself.”%%—Joshua%Jennifer%Espinoza,%“Remember%When%Your%Body%Used%to%Work”%!A!page!is!prosthetic!skin!I!wrap!myself!in!at!night!when!my!body!is!flayed!and!scrap!and!my!bed!a!mound!of!salt!and!nobody!else!is!looking.!!Crying!has!always!been!like!data!entry;!I!schedule!time!for!it!in!an!electronic!planner.!Life!is!punctuated!by!brief!appointments!with!myself.!!Self>love!as!distant!as!the!long!lost!art!of!getting!out!of!bed!in!the!morning.!As!making!myself!a!good!breakfast!even!on!the!days!I’d!rather!not!live.!As!using!sharp!utensils!for!their!intended!purposes!only.!!!Dermatillomania:!you!are!trying!to!stop.!And!despite!your!best!efforts!to!disappear,!you!have!endured.!
schiz/incaesura,,!It!is!a!delicate!nausea,!This!museum!of!inadequacies.!!Smile!wide,!wide,!Wider.!!There!are!so!many!people!Inside!you,!talking!To!themselves.!!Make!space,!damn!you.!
Akira&Olivia&Kumamoto&!Because!she!turned!18!&&Little&sister&left&my&corpse&to&rot&alone&in&the&vacant&lot&just&off&of&Long&Beach&Blvd&and&Walnut.&&By&midnight&the&rats&have&emerged&from&their&nuclear&shelters&and&assess&the&damages&of&the&day,&&tiptoeing&about&the&jewels&of&glass&that&glisten&like&sweat&and&carpet&the&forgotten&tar&landscape;&&sifting&through&piles&of&shit,&wading&through&puddles&of&piss,&scraping&cold&mounds&of&flesh&as&they&trek&stoically&through&the&wasteland&of&ideologies.&&She&put&everything&she&owned&in&a&shoebox.&I&tried&to&scratch&the&wallpaper&off&the&interior&but&the&ramparts&were&made&of&broken&mirrors&and&I&smeared&the&reflection&of&her&packing&with&my&corroded&fingertips.&It&took&all&day,&it&took&all&damn&day,&carefully&wrapping&every&memory&in&foil—&the&ones&before&there&was&no&more&power&in&mom’s&apartment,&that&didn’t&shatter,&weren’t&projected&out&the&window,&&empty&and&rancid.&&&By&morning&their&paws&are&raw&and&they’ve&prepared&a&crime&scene&for&passersby—&the&lot,&decorated&with&their&scat,&&the&body&(just&the&body)&preserved.&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Getting!Screwed!in!Long!Beach!&beetles&suffocate&in&airtight&jars&lovers&suffer&in&airtight&beds&she&left&the&bed&chamber,&antennas&roaming&thinking&this&claustrophobic&town&was&too&big&for&her&failing&metamorphosis&&the&driveIthru&at&Taco&Bell&was&empty&so&she&walked&up&to&the&window&to&chat&up&the&cashier&&he&tore&her&apart,&the&window&his&avantIgarde&apparatus,&her&tarIpadded&feet&his&gentrified&muse&hybrids&hummed&behind&them&over&the&(over)pass&as&he&handed&her&the&change,&but&the&bills&were&damp,&the&coins&slimy&as&they&slipped&between&her&fingers&&she&returned,&breathless&the&antennas&snapped,&blind&I&made&her&a&cocoon&of&cotton&and&chloroform&and&sent&her&to&the&lamppost&on&the&corner&to&incubate&in&the&radiation&!
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Educated!Acts!of!Urban!Renewal!i=iii!!i.&&&Little&mixed&brown&girl&long&tangled&brown&hair&raccoon&hands&and&raccoon&eyes&tips&over&trashcans&trips&over&trashIlands&scours&through&precious&pearls&of&wadded&foil&hopes&she’ll&find&a&soda&can&pop&top&&‘cause&her&vermin&fingers&are&too&thin&&for&silver&or&gold&or&even&diamonds&in&the&&rough&ruff&ruff&‘cause&she’s&got&the&outlook&of&a&bitch&and&the&inIlook&of&a&dayItripper&&&&ii.&&&I&think&before&jumping&and&somehow&I’ve&never&–&&but&when&the&brown&of&dusk&settles,&it&bandages&the&slits&of&the&streets&&between&the&high&rises&and&the&motels&the&liquor&stores&and&the&firms&the&private&boutiques&and&the&smoke&shops&the&construction&and&the&destruction&and&the&construction&and&the&destruction&and&the&art&and&the&trash&but&mostly&the&art&&and&I&know&it’ll&catch&me&&&off&guard&and&I&know&that&I’ll&need&to&be&caught&off&guard&when&I&rip&off&that&band&aid&&&&iii.&&&She&reads&poetry&‘cause&that’s&what&she&finds&in&the&stacks&of&shit&–&soliloquies&in&slimy&soup&cans,&sonnets&under&sacks&of&soda&bottles,&like&the&syntax&has&been&smothered&to&avoid&the&seduction&of&her&starving&mind&and&when&she&reads&–&silver&rings&slicing&her&skinny&fingers&–&&she&suddenly&feels&less&soulless&&like&being&spoonIfed&precious&stones,&as&blood&stains&the&sentiments&ruby&red&skin&saturated&in&wounded&song&&
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Insomnia!and!when!the!drawers!were!empty!!!Of&those&things&you&dream&of&(as&you&sleep)!—!&
Bodies&of&water,&self&floating&in&the&Dead&Sea/&PARIS&ROME&TOKYO&NEW&YORK&
LONDON&BANGKOK&ETC&(twinkling&wanderlusts?)/&the&lover&that&loves&you&the&
people&that&love&the&inches&of&your&surface&and&the&inches&below&it&that&are&mere&
inches&away&or&inches&and&inches&away/&Wall&Street&—&the&walls,&the&clean&white&
walls,&the&walls&you&will&exist&in&the&ones&you’ve&built&yourself&on&the&bank&account&
you&funnel&into&the&account&you&funnel&from&of&the&many&things&of&the&glittering&
things&of&the&romanticized&ideal&of&Gatsby&or,&like,&if&the&Montagues&and&the&
Capulets&just&fucking&sucked&it&up&(wouldn’t&they&be&the&Trumps&of)/&the&books&
with&happier&endings&and&the&warm&trickle&of&sunlight&you&can&bask&in&as&it&trails&
across&your&pristine&linoleum&floor/&your&parents&your&family&of&those&entities&
glued&together&of&grandparents&as&if&CANCER&was&just&a&Zodiac&sign&like&the&
memories&that&you&hope&will&never&fade&like&when&grandma/&of&your&parents&of&
those&golden&years&(?)&of&holidays&spent&and&holidays&spent&with&your&wellIearned&
TRIP&TO&PARIS&smiling&fondly,&“look&how&they’ve&grown”&xmas&card/&your&
bridesmaids&dress&that&will&fit&you&perfectly,&and&you&sing&plenty&of&Beatles&karaoke&
next&to&the&open&bar&and&things&are&looking&up?&or&down&or&maybe&the&room&has&
been&spinning&for&some&time&now/&
&
Of&those&things&I&dream!—!!Bodies&of&water,&self&floating&—&the&dead&sea/&when&there’s&enough&smog&that&the&
sky&is&pink,&that&there&was&a&little&house&where&—&and&the&freeway&lulled&me&to&
(what&I&believe&was)/&the&one&that&was&inches&away&who&loved&me&inches&too&close,&
ripping&apart,&stealing&what&I&did¬&off&—/&of&the&white&walls&—&yet&we&
romanticize&Gatsby?&Shakespeare&was&possibly&a&penIname/&PLATH&SEXTON&
WOOLF&at&one&point&slept&in&the&sun/&when&grandma&remembered&I&was&a&Pisces&
and/&before&daddy&discovered&nailing&boards&to&the&windows&was&bad&for&the&white&
walls&and&we&had&no&time&for&an&xmas&card/&the&day&I&am&allowed&to&wear&a&
bridesmaids&dress&at&an&open&bar&and&sing&Beatles&karaoke,&my&best&friends’&
bouquets&will&be&white&and&blue&and&I&still&won’t&be&induced&with&(twinkling&
wanderlust?)&the&open&bar/the&room&is&spinning&
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!
EVANGELINE(ZHANG(
(
Dear(Americans,((
Have(you(ever(talked(to(that(Chinese(kid(in(your(class?(
Although(they(are(don’t(speak(up(often,(
And(when(they(do(the(English(is(usually(broken,(
There(is(a(whole(new(world(in(their(heart,(
That(you(all(can(learn(so(much(from.(
Don't(you(ask(them(about(fortune(cookies(or(chow(mein(
Panda(express(is(does(not(deserve(to(be(called(Chinese.(
If(you(don't(know(Chinese,(stop(showing(off,(
Chi(gong,(tai(chi,(yin(yang,(kungfu(
You(just(tattoo(the(word(fool(on(your(arm.(
(
I(was(born(and(raised(in(China,(
And(I(speak(mandarin(growing(up,(
My(home(is(a(historical(metropolitan,(
Where(there(are(skyscraper(and(shopping(malls,(
And(thousand(year(old(palaces(and(great(walls.(
(
I(come(from(a(wellOeducated,(middle(class(family,(
That(can(support(me(to(come(to(stand(here(right(now.(
My(privilege(also(made(me(aware(that,(
Not(everyone(live(the(same(way(in(my(country.(
I(have(friends(who(got(arrested(for(feminism(activities,(
I(also(know(people(who(help(implement(censorship.(
I(ve(been(to(places(where(females(infants(are(abandoned,(
Undercover(policeman(wandering(on(the(square,(
Forrest(are(exploited(to(make(chopsticks(
Smoke(could(prevent(to(see(you(from(this(distance,(
Coming(from(the(factories(that(manufacture(the(goods(you(are(using(right(now.(
Y'all(have(been(through(this,(
Now(it(my(country's(turn(to(develop(
The(change(is(slow,(but(growing(
And(I’m(going(to(be(part(of(it.(
(
I(am(crossOcultural(and(bilingual,(
And(I(can(understand(your(country(so(deep,(
With(my(pain(and(struggle.(
while(you(know(nothing(about(my(philosophy(
I(am(presenting(my(identity(to(you(right(now,(
and(there(nothing(to(be(ashamed(of.(
If(you(are(lucky(enough(to(share(heritage(with(another(country(
Ask(your(hardworking(father,(home(caring(mom(What(wonderful(country(that(they(have(come(from.!
LAUREN'CALSADA'
!
!
!
Afterword))
)Akira&Olivia&Kumamoto&(AOK))was)born)in)Long)Beach,)CA)and)has)a)B.A.)in)English)with)a)dual)emphasis)in)creative)writing)and)critical)theory)from)the)University)of)California,)Davis.)She)is)currently)working)towards)an)M.A.)in)Journalism)from)the)University)of)California,)Berkeley)(2017).)))Helen&“Bea”&Bansen&I)will)graduate)eventually.)I)like)books)and)pasta.))I)am)my)own)best)thing.))Iris)is)a)gay)little)bean)sprout.)She)writes)about)small,)temporary)things,)the)terror)of)the)human)body,)existence)as)an)argument)for)love,)and)forgiving)the)world.)Her)work)has)been)published)in)the)California)Oddity,)826)Quarterly,)and)online)at)emlathlit.tumblr.com)She)goes)by)the)pronouns)she/they.))Tori:Ann&Porter)This)is)dedicated)to)the)Black)Queer)genderqueer)folx)who)have)no)voice.)To)those)who)have)been)silence)by)white)supremacy)and)continue)to)be)silenced)by)the)systems)that)run)on)the)genocide)of)Black)and)Brown)folx.)To)Anzaldúa,)hooks,)Shakur,)and)Lorde)who)make)it)possible)and)give)me)strength)to)find)my)voice.)Thank)you.))Scout&I)am)so)grateful)to)all)my)mentors)this)quarter,)including)Jeanelle)Hope)and)Katy)Peterson.)I)wouldn’t)have)been)able)to)make)this)anthology)without)these)powerful)contributions.)My)mom)and)dad)keep)me)sane.)))Liz&Seeley)I'm)obsessed)with)Dilbert)the)comic)strip.))Amelia&Evard)studies)Sociology)and)Spanish)and)likes)avocados,)indigo)and)round)things.))))
@ghost)is)a)#loser)))Evangeline&an)international)student)from)Bejing,)China.))Lauren&Calsada&I)am)constantly)changing.))My)skins)tone)changes)in)different)lighting,)backgrounds)and)moods.))My)body)is)my)matter,)my)medium.)I)want)to)study)me)for)myself.)My)body)language)exposes))My)own)comfort)level.))I)hide)in)the)dark.))I)hide)in)My)arms)I)hide)out)of)frame.)I)hide)from)you.)My)identity)has)been)casted)onto)me.))I)learned)that)from)a)young)age.)))))))Reclaiming)requires)patience.)))))))Knowing)myself)does)not)take)certainty)or)love.)))))))It)is)the)acceptance)of)change)and)willingness)to)venture.))I)am)constantly)changing.)I)am)awake))Jessica)is)adapting)A)Chorus)line)into)A)Queerus)Line)by)transforming)societal)constructs)of)gender,)narrative,)dance,)theatre,)art)and)media)into)something)that)really)makes)us)think.)We)have)no)way)of)communicating)how)intersectional)our)work)is,)so)we)really)just)put)it)into)different)pools)of)work)and)see)what)comes)from)it.)Being)gender)queer)and)a)womyn)is)pivotal)to)our)identity,)and)these)poems)reflect)a)style)of)open)dialogue)and)raw)creativity,)not)just)structure,)togetherness)and)cleanliness.))
