Topic:

the College Entrance Examination

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College Entrance Examination

For a long time, the college entrance examination, as the direction of basic education, is believed to be the only open, fair and just way of talent selection, and plays a pivotal role in the process of education development. However, in my opinion, instead of motivating students and promoting fairness in education, {the contemporary college entrance examination is to the detriment of personal growth and education development in the long term ． }

{Firstly, the college entrance examination is bad for students’ health, physically and psychologically.}On one hand, pressure from teachers and parents puts excessive burden on students. Students are instilled with the idea at a very young age that only good grades on the College Entrance Examination will lead them to success. For the students in the countryside, in particularly, the tough exam may be their only opportunity to escape the hardship of country life and change their fate. Thus, anxiety arises. On the other, the problems that come with the pressure also affect the students. In order not to let down the family, some students stay up all night immersing themselves in seas of textbooks, reading and practicing furiously. Although some students are very exhausted, they can’t fall asleep, which causes insomnia. In the day, because of the inadequate sleep, they have no appetite to have meals, and can’t concentrate on the study in class, which makes students worry about the exam again. Based on the above situations, the college entrance examination really does great harm to students’ health.

{Secondly, the college entrance examination kills students’ creativity and to some extend obstructs the implementation of innovation education.} As the examination score is the only criterion for academic performance, students are driven to memorize mechanically rather than to think creatively. A good education should, among other things, train students to think for themselves. The aim of education is to enable students to learn how to live, how to work, how to contribute to the society with their abilities. However, the examination system does anything but that. What has to be learnt is rigidly laid down by a syllabus, so the students are encouraged to memorize. Nowadays examinations do not motivate students to read widely, but to restrict their reading; they do not enable them to seek more and more knowledge, but induce cramming. Over the long haul, few innovative talents will come out.

In conclusion, the contemporary college entrance examination is to the detriment of both individual and education development. Therefore, less pressure should be put on the students. Besides, to improve the system and maintain its long-term vitality, our government should spare no effort undergoing timely and suitable reforms.

Title

•

College Entrance Examination

• 标题有些过于简单，缺少表明作者对高考态度的成分，范围太大，未能显示出作者具体的态度。如若作者能在 title 中就亮出自己的观点，能够使读者一目了然这篇文章的中心思想是什么。

Introduction For a long time, the college

entrance examination, as the direction of basic education, is believed to be the only open, fair and just way of talent selection, and plays a pivotal role in the process of education development. However, in my opinion, instead of motivating students and promoting fairness in education, {the contemporary college entrance examination is to the detriment of personal growth and education development in the long term ． }

开头条理清晰，自然流畅。首先用一个长句明了地描述了总的社会现象：当代高考的地位和重要性。从而自然地运用连接词“ However, in my opinion” 引出自己的反对高考的观点，并把观点限定在“ personal growth and education development” 的范围内，使得文章的主题和中心思想一目了然。并且在结尾句中再次提到了“ personal growth and education development" ，使得文章首尾呼应，主旨清晰明确。

闪光词汇

Body

• {Firstly, the college entrance examination is bad for students’ health, physically and psychologically.}On one hand, pressure from teachers and parents puts excessive burden on students. Students are instilled with the idea at a very young age that only good grades on the College Entrance Examination will lead them to success. For the students in the countryside, in particularly, the tough exam may be their only opportunity to escape the hardship of country life and change their fate. Thus, anxiety arises. On the other, the problems that come with the pressure also affect the students. In order not to let down the family, some students stay up all night immersing themselves in seas of textbooks, reading and practicing furiously. Although some students are very exhausted, they can’t fall asleep, which causes insomnia. In the day, because of the inadequate sleep, they have no appetite to have meals, and can’t concentrate on the study in class, which makes students worry about the exam again. Based on the above situations, the college entrance examination really does great harm to students’ health.

part I

1. 本段的 topic sentence 是“ the college entrance examination is bad for students’ health, physically and psychologically” ，其中“ physical health and psychological health” 是这一段的 central idea. 并且，作者在展开这两方面的时候用了On one hand 与 On the other ，那么本段应分别从这两方面叙述。但，呈现出来的是 physical and psychological 两方面的交叉出现，从某种程度上来说，未免有缺乏逻辑性之嫌。建议作者将连接词 On one hand 与 On the other 换掉。2. 句式结构多样，长短句结合，这样的文章读起来一张一弛，给人以美感。

part II

• {Secondly, the college entrance examination kills students’ creativity and to some extend obstructs the implementation of innovation education.} As the examination score is the only criterion for academic performance, students are driven to memorize mechanically rather than to think creatively. A good education should, among other things, train students to think for themselves. The aim of education is to enable students to learn how to live, how to work, how to contribute to the society with their abilities. However, the examination system does anything but that. What has to be learnt is rigidly laid down by a syllabus, so the students are encouraged to memorize. Nowadays examinations do not motivate students to read widely, but to restrict their reading; they do not enable them to seek more and more knowledge, but induce cramming. Over the long haul, few innovative talents will come out.

1. 这一段，开头 topic sentence 非常清晰，范围明确在“高考限制学生创造思维从而阻碍教育创新”方面。先用主从句简单概括高考对学生创造力的扼杀，中间对“ good education”应该是怎么样的进行阐述，并用实例引出当代教育体制的缺陷和长此以往对教育创新的危害，总体来说紧扣本段主题，正反面例证强而有力。2. 但是如果稍微更改一下写作顺序 , 先阐述“ good education” 理应呈现的样子，然后总的从反面来写现代教育如何扼杀学生创造力从而阻碍教育体制创新会更自然流畅。3. 有两处拼写错误，“extend ” 应改为“ extent” ；在分词后面的名词“ innovation” 应改成动词 ing 形式“ inovating”

Conclusion• In conclusion, the contemporary

college entrance examination is to the detriment of both individual and education development. Therefore, less pressure should be put on the students. Besides, to improve the system and maintain its long-term vitality, our government should spare no effort undergoing timely and suitable reforms.

在最后的 concluding paragraph 中，作者自然地得出了结论，重申中心思想，并对文章主要介绍的两方面内容提出了简要的弥补措施和解决方法，简练恰当，为文章画上完整的句号。

• 这是一篇挺优秀的作文，值得我们学习！

• 1. 观点清晰明确，内容充实完整。

• 2. 语言优美，词汇丰富高级，很好地体现出了作者良好的语言驾驭能力。句子多样化不单一。

• 3. 连接词使用恰当，段落层次分明，结构合理，具有较强的逻辑性。尤其是在 文章主体介绍两点论据时，非常地有条理，在开头就亮出 主题句 , 表明自己的态度，条理清晰，井井有条。收尾得体，言简意赅。

Summary

College Entrance Examination Every year, millions of Chinese students take a fierce entrance examination to college. This

exam is considered to be a significant factor that determines a student’s future development. It is even regarded as one of the turning points in their lives. Generally we take for granted that those people who couldn’t go to college are useless and stupid. Is it right to judge a teenage only by academic grades? In my opinion, because of this exam, our high school education becomes terribly narrow and unfavorable to the development of children’s integrative abilities. （ Thus ） We must reform our educational system for the healthy growth of our children and the profound development of our country.

One reason is that high school education is to teach children how to make the knowledge live instead of memorizing the facts. What is education? Oliver Wendell Holmes ever said, “the main part of intellectual education is not the acquisition of facts but learning how to make facts live”. I think high school teachers should educate students with ideas of a matter of attitude towards life, inspire them to be aware that how much there is to learn and how much they don’t yet know, encourage the children to find out a difficult thing and solve it through teamwork or by themselves. There are so many things can be taught not just push them to memorize all kinds of formulas, articles and facts. It is more important to let them find the wonders of math, art, literature and other subjects.

Another reason is that this exam indeed brings more sufferings to them and totally destroys their prime years. Without it, students can have plenty of time to dig deeply about majors they are really interested in. Without it, teachers can take them out to the nature to let their students learn more about our people, our society, our culture as well as our earth. More profound knowledge can be vividly planted in their heads. In this way, many will become a useful person to the world. But we can easily find that kids bury their heads in books but their hearts are far away from what they are learning. It is known to all that the main psychological problem of the students in teaching appears to be the reverse and weary psychology towards study. What caused it? The College Entrance Examination.

The greatest popular science writers Carl Sagan ever said, “it seems to me there are many things that the schools should teach---things that truly would be useful in later life, useful in making a stronger country, a better world but also useful in making people happier”. This is what exactly I want to say and should be the right reform direction of our college entrance examination.

Title

College Entrance Examination

标题有些过于简单，缺少表明作者对高考态度的成分，未能显示出作者具体的态度。如若作者能在 title 中就亮出自己的观点，能够使读者一目了然这篇文章的中心思想是什么

Introduction Every year, millions of Chinese

students take a fierce entrance examination to college. This exam is considered to be a significant factor that determines a student’s future development. It is even regarded as one of the turning points in their lives. Generally we take for granted that those people who couldn’t go to college are useless and stupid. Is it right to judge a teenage only by academic grades? In my opinion, because of this exam, our high school education becomes terribly narrow and unfavorable to the development of children’s integrative abilities. （ Thus ） We must reform our educational system for the healthy growth of our children and the profound development of our country.

1. 作者分析了社会现状，并提出自己的观点，表明

thesis statement ---- to reform the

educational system

2. 在表达方式上不够强烈，使得读者无法一下子抓住文章主题。

3. 建议在 "We must

reform" 之前加上“ thus” 来突显主题。

Body

One reason is that high school education is to teach children how to make the knowledge live instead of memorizing the facts. What is education? Oliver Wendell Holmes ever said, “the main part of intellectual education is not the acquisition of facts but learning how to make facts live”. I think high school teachers should educate students with ideas of a matter of attitude towards life, inspire them to be aware that how much there is to learn and how much they don’t yet know, encourage the children to find out a difficult thing and solve it through teamwork or by themselves. There are so many things can be taught not just push them to memorize all kinds of formulas, articles and facts. It is more important to let them find the wonders of math, art, literature and other subjects.

1. 用“ One reason” 来开头作连接词欠妥当，不清楚是用来回答什么的原因

2. 以一个问题” What is education?” 引出一句名言 , 并由此阐述自己对于教育改革的看法，指出高中应有的教学内容和教学方法 ;

但是用第一人称的表述显得太过主观，建议用客观事实做主语。

3. “ I think high school teachers should educate students ...” 句子较长，建议分句阐述。

Another reason is that this exam indeed brings more sufferings to them and totally destroys their prime years. Without it, students can have plenty of time to dig deeply about majors they are really interested in. Without it, teachers can take them out to the nature to let their students learn more about our people, our society, our culture as well as our earth. More profound knowledge can be vividly planted in their heads. In this way, many will become a useful person to the world. But we can easily find that kids bury their heads in books but their hearts are far away from what they are learning. It is known to all that the main psychological problem of the students in teaching appears to be the reverse and weary psychology towards study. What caused it? The College Entrance Examination.

1. “Another reason” 同上

2. 从反面指出现行高考模式对学生产生的消极影响，并说明现行的高考制度需要改革的必要性。

3. 作者可以将这一个论据放在上一个论据前面，先讲进行高考改革的原因，再来叙述改革的内容和方法。

Conclusion The greatest popular science

writers Carl Sagan ever said, “it seems to me there are many things that the schools should teach---things that truly would be useful in later life, useful in making a stronger country, a better world but also useful in making people happier”. This is what exactly I want to say and should be the right reform direction of our college entrance examination.

1. 作者以一句名人名言来概括总结高考的改革方向，佐证自己的观点，更有说服力。

2. 但是，在重申中心思想的时

候却又提及高考改革的方向，与首段主题句教育体制改革不符，造成读者对中心思想的困惑，建议把“ college entrance examination” 改成“ educational system”

• 的连接词是“ one reason” 和“ another reason” ，使用不当，原因的指向不明确。

1. 题目与 thesis statement 中间论述的方向，还有结尾重申的中心思想较为混乱，主题模棱两可，使得读者不能抓住本文的中心思想到底是高考改革还是教育改革。

2. 语言表达能力强，用词得体，并且多处引用名人名言，使文章更富说服力。

3. 在结构上， body 部分的连接词是“ one reason” 和“ another reason” ，使用不当，原因的指向不明确。

Summary

Is the college entrance exam the best way to change the best way to change one’s fate? Do those students of high grades in CEE enjoy their college life? What job will they take on after graduation? After pondering these questions on many occasions, I have eventually reached the conclusion that the college entrance exam is not as perfect as every student thinks. I firmly hold that CEE is not the best way to change one’s life. 【Many people agree for the great importance of CEE. They consist that college leads you to bright future while CEE, as the door of college, determine who you will be. The CEE is of enormous influence to every family, especially poor family. They hope there is no need for their children to work in sun and sweat dripped from face. There are some successful examples that the son of farmer behave outstandingly in the CEE and settle in the metropolis, then set the whole family from heavy farm work. Which is why “the college of the College Entrance Exam” come into being in Fengyang county, (not) simply because students struggle for themselves but also（ for） the whole family. 】 【 I can’t agree with their opinion. Firstly , although the college entrance exam is fair and useful to some extent, it’s not suitable for every student. Every student has his own gift for what he really want, but the CEE pushes everyone to further study. That’s why every year several students kill themselves before the exam. They can’t enjoy the process of study. What makes them even more depressed is the pressure coming from teachers and parents, who rattle off the significance of the exam and the exam and urge them to study harder and harder. 】 In the second place, the top students are not contented with their college life. In order to pass the exam excellently, they put the theoretical knowledge in the first place, which means the ignorance of practical activity. Therefore, they are left behind and worried excessively about their future. Furthermore , they lack communicative ability resulting in their separation from classmates. Moreover, they can’t stand the boring major any more . For instance, a student called Zhouhao transferred from Beijing to University to technical school, reported in Baidu News. Last but not least, students of high grades in the CEE seem to be unpopular in talent market. As you can see, many graduates have trouble in finding a satisfactory job, especially those with high marks and low ability. The graduates in poor family are urgent to find a job to support the family, so they have to make a compromise, to earn less money but do more work. All in all, whatever how many positive stories connected closely with the college entrance exam, we must admit the CEE has unavoidable specific problems. The CEE is a good way to change one’s life, but its not the best way.

Is the College Entrance Exam the Best Way to Change one’s (One’s) Fate

• Is the college entrance exam the best way to change the best way to change one’s fate? Do those students of high grades in CEE enjoy their college life? What job will they take on after graduation? After pondering these questions on many occasions, I have eventually reached the conclusion that the college entrance exam is not as perfect as every student thinks. I firmly hold that CEE is not the best way to change one’s life.

• 这篇开头有两段。作者运用问题法开篇，形式上比较新颖。在第一段中， thesis　statement——I firmly hold that CEE is not the best way to change one’s life ，比较明显。

Introduction

• 【Many people agree for the great importance of CEE. They consist that college leads you to bright future while CEE, as the door of college, determine who you will be. The CEE is of enormous influence to every family, especially poor family. They hope there is no need for their children to work in sun and sweat dripped from face. There are some successful examples that the son of farmer behave outstandingly in the CEE and settle in the metropolis, then set the whole family from heavy farm work. Which is why “the college of the College Entrance Exam” come into being in Fengyang county, simply because students struggle for themselves but also（ for） the whole family. 】

• 但是，第二段笔锋一转，重新回归到社会现象，并且运用了大量的文字，让读者觉得比较唐突，阅读完后不知所云。在某种程度上，模糊了文章主题。此外，就总体来说，开头部分所占全文比重太大，建议作者进行适当的删减。

• 【 I can’t agree with their opinion. Firstly , although the college entrance exam is fair and useful to some extent, it’s not suitable for every student. Every student has his own gift for what he really want, but the CEE pushes everyone to further study. That’s why every year several students kill themselves before the exam. They can’t enjoy the process of study. What makes them even more depressed is the pressure coming from teachers and parents, who rattle off the significance of the exam and the exam and urge them to study harder and harder.】

• 对 body 总的评价是：在论述的过程中，作者的论据没能很好的支持论点。条理不清楚，论证不严密，论据不妥当。

• “I can’t agree with their opinion. ” 这句话是作者的 attitude ，应放在开头部分。这句话放在 body 的开头，在结构上，难免会破坏文章结构的合理性。

• 在第三段中，关键词是“ not suitable” ，然而作者在阐述论证的时候，着重在学生的学业压力方面，有点偏离论点之嫌。在提及“ Fengyang county” 时，作者应简单介绍这是高考县。

Body

• In the second place, the top students are not contented with their college life. In order to pass the exam excellently, they put the theoretical knowledge in the first place, which means the ignorance of practical activity. Therefore, they are left behind and worried excessively about their future. Furthermore , they lack communicative ability resulting in their separation from classmates. Moreover, they can’t stand the boring major any more . For instance, a student called Zhouhao transferred from Beijing to University to technical school, reported in Baidu News.

• 第四段，这一段有些跑题。作者的topic sentence 是“ In the second place, the top students are not contented with their college life.” ，可是尖子生在大学里过得满不满足和改变命运有关吗？如此将两个不相干的话题扯到一起，很是牵强，也无法支撑作者的观点。

• 再其次，作者所举的 example 未能支撑“ students can’t stand the boring major” 这个 idea 。例子过于轻描淡写，一笔带过，未能表达出作者想说的点，建议作者阐述一下原因，突出学生对学科的不感兴趣。

• Last but not least, students of high grades in the CEE seem to be unpopular in talent market. As you can see, many graduates have trouble in finding a satisfactory job, especially those with high marks and low ability. The graduates in poor family are urgent to find a job to support the family, so they have to make a compromise, to earn less money but do more work.

• 第五段论述条理较为清晰。

Conclusion

• All in all, whatever how many positive stories connected closely with the college entrance exam, we must admit the CEE has unavoidable specific problems. The CEE is a good way to change one’s life, but its not the best way.

• 结尾稍显仓促，未能突出作者的观点，没能得到文章主旨的重现。例如，作者在讲到“ CEE has unavoidable specific problems” 的时候，可以简单重申自己之前提出的论点，增强说服力。

Summary

总的来说，这篇文章存在的问题比较多。

• 从语言角度来说，本篇作文犯了较多错误，比如标点、单复数错误，介词乱搭配，以及句子结构方面。在写作中应避免这些低级错误的出现。再者，部分词语使用地比较牵强，欠恰当，应该用更符合句意的词汇来替代掉。此外，这篇文章读起来不太连贯，句与句之间缺乏一定的连接性。

• 这篇文章结构比较凌乱，条理性不强，论述过程中抓不住重点。

• 内容上，论据不充实，缺乏说服性。

Taking the CEE Or Not With the development of science and technology and the improvement of human cognition, people don’t regard taking the college entrance examination(CEE) as the only way to access higher education or to change their fate anymore. But I think the CEE is a very necessary existence. First of all, passing the CEE is simply the first step to acquire university education. But many students give it up just because they think they can't bear the great pressure that the CEE brings to them, so they choose to study abroad or even abandon the opportunity to be educated. It is worth to be encouraged if study abroad to obtain different education. But if to escape from the process of struggling , that will be a chance-losing to compete with their peers. And in my opinion, taking the CEE is very important for this stage of their life since it is a relatively fair way to select talents. Through it you can make your dream come true with your hard-working, and the huge pressure that the CEE brings to you can make you mature. Secondly, university education plays a vital role in the society development in all aspects and promotes the human's culture quality. It will broaden your field of vision, let you try different things and make you ponder over what you really want. And all the possibilities will happen only after your passing of the college entrance examination. How can you know the result if you stop before it? I know there are many students think taking the CEE can’t change their fate and they still need to fight after it. But in my point of view, a fighting life doesn’t start after it or end up at it but throughout one’s life. And if someone give up the chance to take the CEE , they can hardly meet other fair chances in their future life. So the high school students should push themselves for winning a opportunity to see a totally different world. Although the society is developing at an unprecedented speed, we also need the CEE brings normal people to taste it. And above all those factors l draw a conclusion that giving up the college entrance examination is an extremely unwise decision.

Introduction

• ①With the development of science and technology and the improvement of human cognition, people don’t ②regard taking the college entrance examination(CEE) as the only way to access higher education or to change their fate anymore. ③But I think the CEE is a very necessary existence.

不足：① 第一句把话说得太大了② 夸大了高考的作用，高考本身就不是 the

only way to access higher education or to change one's fate

③ 关联词 "but" 用错，逻辑上不存在转折关系。（只是认为不是 only way ，没有说不该存在）

优点：① 开头开门见山，直接点明文章的 topic ，

简洁明了地亮出作者自己的观点。

Body

• First of all, passing the CEE is ①simply the first step to acquire university education. But many students give it up just because they think they can't bear the great pressure that the CEE brings to them, so they choose to study abroad or even abandon the opportunity to be educated.②It is worth to be encouraged if study abroad to obtain different education. But if to escape from the process of struggling , that will be a chance-losing to compete with their peers. ③And in my opinion, taking the CEE is very important for this stage of their life since it is a relatively fair way to select talents. Through it you can make your dream come true with your hard-working, and the huge pressure that the CEE brings to you can make you mature.

① simply 的使用在句义上不恰当

② 红色标示的两个句子与本段 topic sentence阐述的内容不符，且都存在语法错误（缺少主语）。

③ 划线句偏离本段主旨，且各种观点混杂，抓不住中心思想。（包含了两个不同观点：高考是选拔人才的公平的方式；通过努力备考你可以实现梦想，高考的压力使人变得成熟。）

• 总：文章第二部分的第一段 topic sentence非常明确，讲了高考必要性的其中一个原因是高考是通向大学教育的第一步。但是该段的 thesis statements 非常混乱，不仅没有支持和扩展 topic sentence ，而是在讲其他的观点。而且句子间缺乏逻辑性，读起来绕口，部分句子还存在语法错误。

• Secondly, ①university education plays a vital role in the society development in all aspects and promotes the human's culture quality. It will broaden your field of vision, let you try different things and make you ponder over what you really want. And all the possibilities will happen ②only after your passing of the college entrance examination. ③How can you know the result if you stop before it? I know there are many students think taking the CEE can’t change their fate and they still need to fight after it. But in ④my point of view, a fighting life doesn’t start after it or end up at it but throughout one’s life. And if someone give up the chance to take the CEE , they can hardly meet other fair chances in their future life. So the high school students should push themselves for winning a opportunity to see a totally different world.

① 本段主题句是大学教育的重要性，与高考存在的必要性没有直接联系，所以 topic sentence偏离了文章主题

② only after 又夸大了高考的作用，观点太绝对，通过其他途径也可以拓宽一个人的眼界，尝试不同的事

③ 红色标示的句子属于中式英语， it 指代不明，表达欠清晰。

④ 第一句划线句讲的是奋斗不会因为高考而开始或是结束，奋斗是终身的，与 topic sentence 无关，与前后内容也不衔接。第二句划线句也是一样，没有支持 topic sentence.

总：该段还是在讲 university 的重要性，可以与第一段的论点进行合并。

在论述时，作者几乎是抛掉了 the necessity of Gaokao 而完全地在讲 the important of college.

body部分 topic sentence 不能很好的支持文章的 topic, thesis statement 又没有围绕 topic sentence 来讲

另外该段的部分句子存在逻辑和语法上的问题。

First of all, passing the CEE is simply the first step to acquire university education. But many students give it up just because they think they can't bear the great pressure that the CEE brings to them, so they choose to study abroad or even abandon the opportunity to be educated. It is worth to be encouraged if study abroad to obtain different education. But if to escape from the process of struggling , that will be a chance-losing to compete with their peers. And in my opinion, taking the CEE is very important for this stage of their life since it is a relatively fair way to select talents. Through it you can make your dream come true with your hard-working, and the huge pressure that the CEE brings to you can make you mature.

Secondly, university education plays a vital role in the society development in all aspects and promotes the human's culture quality. It will broaden your field of vision, let you try different things and make you ponder over what you really want. And all the possibilities will happen only after your passing of the college entrance examination. How can you know the result if you stop before it? I know there are many students think taking the CEE can’t change their fate and they still need to fight after it. But in my point of view, a fighting life doesn’t start after it or end up at it but throughout one’s life. And if someone give up the chance to take the CEE , they can hardly meet other fair chances in their future life. So the high school students should push themselves for winning a opportunity to see a totally different world.

第二部分总评：

①议论文的结构是否严谨，条理是否清楚，论证是否严密，论据是否妥当，关键在第二部分的写作。该文章第二部分的论点不够多，且在论证过程中没有举事例填充论证，使整个第二部分缺乏说服力。

②文章的主题是讲 the necessity of university ，但是作者中间的两段论证都是在讲 the importance of university ，而不再谈及高考，已经偷换了主题。整篇文章 topic sentence 不能支持 topic, thesis statements又不能支持 topic sentence.

③有的句子内部以及句与句之间都缺乏逻辑性，或是各种观点混杂，表达欠清晰。

Conclusion

• ①Although the society is developing at an unprecedented speed, ②we also need the CEE brings normal people to taste it. And above all those factors l draw a conclusion that giving up the college entrance examination is an extremely unwise decision.

不足：①Although 连接的两个句子并不存

在明显的转折关系。②红色部分句子存在语法错误，且 it 指代不明。

优点：①结尾与首段相呼应，观点明

确。

Summary

①开头结尾相呼应，结构清晰，符合议论文的要求。

②文章第二部分的论点还是可取的，但是两个论点其实是涉及同一内容，因而实际上中间部分只有一个论点，更严重的是第二部分的论点在论述时已经明显偏离了文章的主题 the necessity of university.

③文章体现的思维深度不够。而且句子内部以及句与句之间的表达缺乏逻辑性， thesis statement 无法很好的论证 topic sentence.

④文章中不少句子存在语法错误，很多词汇的运用和表达也不够恰当，给读者造成理解上的困难。

College Entrance Examination System Reform

According to the reform program of the college entrance examination that the Ministry of Education has made ， one examination decides everything be altered. It is significant to reform college entrance examination system.

①The college entrance examination reform is more scientific and rational in talent selection.Nowadays, the college entrance examination system is one of the most important systems of choosing talents. Firstly, the reform of college ②entrance examination not only should be helpful for colleges to choose capable person, but also should be helpful for the reform and development of basic education.③Autonomous enrolling is a very important measure in reforming the National College Entrance Examination so as suit the mass higher education.In addition,putting "two-track system" into the examination is conducive to the selection of technical talents.According to the situation of requirement for modern skills talents keeping going higher and higher, higher vocational colleges must focus on training high quality talents to meet social requirement.

①The college entrance examination reform can promote students’ overall development of health.②Testing designer should design test format and test content on basis of validity and reliability to ensure that the required standards are met.③Grasps to establish the exam content the mechanism, strengthens the examination the comprehensive nature and the practicality.the purpose of the exam is to measured critical thinking and the application of knowledge. our country implements a two-way choice between universities and students. It has a strong system guarantee to cultivate students' interest .For other subjects besides Chinese,maths and English take an examination after finished the courses.④You can test many times and choose the best results.This way,students won’t feel too much pressure.

①The college entrance examination reform can safeguard social fairness.College Entrance Examination System is the most fair and square talent selection system in line with China's national conditions.Reform cancel the adding mark policy except ethnic minorities. Due to the② imprecision of the mark adding system, the whole test process are not effectively controlled, the policy has become a tool for some people to ask for interests for themselves.②Probably the scope for the application of the policy needs to be greatly narrowed.

Meanwhile, the influence on income gap among various industries and employment which caused by the improvement of talents convergence is more significantly in middle and western region. It is necessary to improve the college enrollment rate of Midwestern community and populous provinces and increase number of college students from poor family.

①Therefore, it's necessary for us to reform college entrance examination system.The reform of college entrance examination influences basic education deeply.Implementing quality-oriented education hinges on reforming current university entrance examination system.

• According to the reform program of the college entrance examination that the Ministry of Education has made ，one examination decides everything be altered. It is significant to reform college entrance examination system.

• 主题不明。• 到底是 " 对新的高考改革制

度评价 ",还是自己提出 " 应该对高考改革了 " 。

• 前者是已经发生的 (...that Ministry of Education has made) ，后者是还未发生的 (It is significant to reform ) 。

• 另外，“ one examination decides everything be altered” 有语法错误。

Introduction

• ①The college entrance examination reform is more scientific and rational in talent selection.Nowadays, the college entrance examination system is one of the most important systems of choosing talents. Firstly, the reform of college ②entrance examination not only should be helpful for colleges to choose capable person, but also should be helpful for the reform and development of basic education.③Autonomous enrolling is a very important measure in reforming the National College Entrance Examination so as suit the mass higher education.In addition,putting "two-track system" into the examination is conducive to the selection of technical talents.According to the situation of requirement for modern skills talents keeping going higher and higher, higher vocational colleges must focus on training high quality talents to meet social requirement.

①本段开头亮出 topic sentence ，已在表达 " 高改提供更科学合理的人才选拔机制 " ，这显然是我前面所提到的前者， " 对新的高考改革制度评价 " 这个主题引发的。（再吹毛求疵一点，不应该是改革更科学，更合理，而是改革后的新的高考体制更科学合理）

②然而，在后面的 supporting部分，两个 should be ，却好像是表达改革应该做到如何如何，与主题不符。

③Autonomous enrolling( 自主招生 ) ， two-track system(双轨制 ) 这两块内容的出现也有些突然，与本段主题没有明显关联。如果有关联，应当指出。最后讲到用人单位对人才技能的要求，更是偏离主题。

既然主题是“高考改革后的新的体制在人才选拔方面更加科学合理”，有必要介绍一下改革后的体制发生了哪些方面的变化，从而使其更具科学性和合理性。

Body

①The college entrance examination reform can promote students’ overall development of health.②Testing designer should design test format and test content on basis of validity and reliability to ensure that the required standards are met.③Grasps to establish the exam content the mechanism, strengthens the examination the comprehensive nature and the practicality.the purpose of the exam is to measured critical thinking and the application of knowledge. our country implements a two-way choice between universities and students. It has a strong system guarantee to cultivate students' interest .For other subjects besides Chinese,maths and English take an examination after finished the courses.④You can test many times and choose the best results.This way,students won’t feel too much pressure.

• ①本段最严重的问题 body部分论据与主题句搭不上边，主题句是“高改为学生提供全面健康发展”

• ②紧接着第二句就讲出卷人应当如何。。

• ③然而中间 supporting部分，尤其是红字部分，表述不清，很多都不符合英文表达习惯，多处语法错误，也是没有围绕主题在讲。

• ④结尾又说道到了“多次考试机会能使学生减轻压力”。

• 即使如此，这些谈到的各个点也没有做到与高考改革紧密相连。

①The college entrance examination reform can safeguard social fairness.College Entrance Examination System is the most fair and square talent selection system in line with China's national conditions.Reform cancel the adding mark policy except ethnic minorities. Due to the② imprecision of the mark adding system, the whole test process are not effectively controlled, the policy has become a tool for some people to ask for interests for themselves.②Probably the scope for the application of the policy needs to be greatly narrowed.

• ①主题句不够 specific ，高考改革能够保障社会公平，说的很宽泛。段首缺乏过渡。

• ②与前一段有相似问题。并且没有围绕改革后的体制如何体现公平特点。如：后面提到这项改革（ not policy ）需要缩小应用范围，又扯远了

• 红色部分是语法错误和表述不清的问题。

• Meanwhile, the influence on income gap among various industries and employment which caused by the improvement of talents convergence is more significantly in middle and western region. It is necessary to improve the college enrollment rate of Midwestern community and populous provinces and increase number of college students from poor family.

• ①Therefore, it's necessary for us to reform college entrance examination system.The reform of college entrance examination influences basic education deeply.Implementing quality-oriented education hinges on reforming current university entrance examination system.

• ①“ it's necessary for us to reform？” again ，主题是什么？

• ②没有对前面的论点进行概括总结。

Summry

• ①主题不明。• ②supporting sentence没有围绕 topic

sentence. 讲了很多方面，却没有很好地将他们跟主题联系在一起。

• ③许多表达不大符合英文表述，有待完善。• ④结尾部分也没有对前文各段进行总结，或

是再对 introdution部分的观点进行重申强调。

Necessity of the College Entrance Exam Millions and millions students keep on focusing on study day and night despite all the odds

for almost three years just for a two-day-exam, the college entrance exam. Some people say it’s a unnecessary for students in their prime to scarify almost all their leisure-time activities to study. But I think the college entrance exam and the process is a necessity for Chinese students.

First, through three years of intensive study, students acquire all kinds of knowledge both humanities and sciences, including history, literature, geography, mathmatics, physics, biology, chemistry and so on so forth. Students thus formulate a set of knowledge structure and at least have a basic knowledge of all of these knowledge. Without the intensive study, it’s impossible for majority students to learn the full set of knowledge, let alone to master it. In a way a number of students can find what they are really good at and interest in. Besides, through the process of learning, students gradually formed a system of learning skills, which plays an important role in one’s future study and work lives. That is to say, the intensive study equiped （ equip ） students with knowledge and the way to require it.

Secondly, the process hones students’ will. During the three year intensive study, there must be a time when one want to give up, a time when all problems occur. Maybe it’s the tiredness, maybe it’s the tediousness, maybe it’s the fear, maybe it’s the reality, but no matter how difficult it is, the students strive to it, stick to it and finally make it. The necessity of it is to experience the problems and hardships and hone one’s will. Last, many students want to change their life through the college entrance exam. Knowledge is power, and the three-year-study is the power for many students to change their life, the power for them to keep on going. Poor students want to change their life, ordinary students in desire of a better life,wealth students in want of a new level of life.

It’s a truth that universally acknowledged that a every student in China of aggressive must be in want of a good grade in the college entrance exam. Thus they they will acquire a lot of knowledge and skills through the process, have a powerful will and be self-motivated which make student becoming more mature, thus it’s a necessity.

Millions and millions students keep on focusing on study day and night despite all the odds for almost three years just for a two-day-exam, the college entrance exam. Some people say it’s a unnecessary for students in their prime to scarify almost all their leisure-time activities to study. But I think the college entrance exam and the process is a necessity for Chinese students.

①本段有一定的背景描述，并明确提出了自己的观点，基本符合议论文的写作要求

②存在语法错误，如“ Millions and millions students ”“a unnecessary ”

③前两句之间可以加上连接词“ thus” ，使句子间的关系更加清楚

④“process” 在文中是第一次出现，前面却用了定冠词，建议先在前文简单阐述一下这个过程指的是什么

Introduction

First, through three years of intensive study, students acquire all kinds of knowledge both humanities and sciences, including history, literature, geography, mathmatics, physics, biology, chemistry and so on so forth. Students thus formulate a set of knowledge structure and at least have a basic knowledge of all of these knowledge. Without the intensive study, it’s impossible for majority students to learn the full set of knowledge, let alone to master it. In a way a number of students can find what they are really good at and interest in. Besides, through the process of learning, students gradually formed a system of learning skills, which plays an important role in one’s future study and work lives. That is to say, the intensive study equiped （ equip ） students with knowledge and the way to require it.

①本段主题句过长，可以直接将举例部分直接删掉或将其分为两句，在后面的论述过程中再具体举例

②该段的论点可以用来论述Necessity of the College Entrance Exam ，但是在论证时完全抛掉了主题——高考，而是侧重在讲高中三年的学习过程是如何的重要，缺乏与主题之间的连接性。

③存在单词拼写错误，语法错误

Body

Secondly, the process hones students’ will. During the three year intensive study, there must be a time when one want to give up, a time when all problems occur. Maybe it’s the tiredness, maybe it’s the tediousness, maybe it’s the fear, maybe it’s the reality, but no matter how difficult it is, the students strive to it, stick to it and finally make it. The necessity of it is to experience the problems and hardships and hone one’s will. Last, many students want to change their life through the college entrance exam. Knowledge is power, and the three-year-study is the power for many students to change their life, the power for them to keep on going. Poor students want to change their life, ordinary students in desire of a better life,wealth students in want of a new level of life.

①划线句子代词 it泛滥，用了太多的 “ it”, 但是分析可知不同的 it 指代的是不同的内容，造成理解上的混乱， 而且 experience 和hone 的主语不一样不能并列使用。

②最后一个论点是一个主观意愿，不能作为一个论据，应改为“高考可以改变许多学生的生活”

③最后一点论据不足，只是将主题句扩充，缺乏说服力，同时受汉语语言影响较大，英语表达不地道

④Poor students…life 这个句子没有紧扣本段主题，而且并列分句句式结构不一，建议可以省略的表达

It’s a truth that universally acknowledged that a every student in China of aggressive must be in want of a good grade in the college entrance exam. Thus they they will acquire a lot of knowledge and skills through the process, have a powerful will and be self-motivated which make student becoming more mature, thus it’s a necessity.

①第一句论述太过夸张

②aggressive 是“侵略性的”的意思，建议改为“ ambitious”

③两句不含因果观系，不应用“ thus”

④衔接不当，“ will” 用得不正确。不能说因为有雄心的学生想要在高考中取得好成绩，他们就会在这个过程中取得很多知识，并变得更加成熟

⑤由于粗心犯了一些语法错误

Conclusion

①基本符合议论文的格式，总分总，各段论点基本支持首段提出的观

②条理清晰，分段阐述③论证时有偏离文章主题的嫌疑（到底是高考的必要性，还是高中三年学习的必要性）

④有的句子受汉语语言思维的影响，表达不当。⑤有的表达方式和搭配不当，词汇的运用还欠斟酌

Summary

Thanks for listening!!!