top 10_ things to love about glenn beck _ a politic us

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  • 8/2/2019 Top 10_ Things to Love About Glenn Beck _ A Politic Us

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    http://w w w .apoliticus.com/2009/11/things-to-love-about-glenn-beck/ October 25, 2011

    Top 10: Things to Love About Glenn Beck |APOLITICUS.COM

    Americas hero of hyperbole is stronger thanever these days. The growing list of sponsor

    drop-outs and petitions from civil libertarianscant bring our dear Glenn Beck down. He mayeventually end up broadcasting from his bombshelter wearing a tin foil hat and talking into asoup can tied to the remaining hairs on hishead. But for now, hes planted firmly on hisdonut pillow at Fox News.

    Theres a lot to love about Glenn Beck.

    Number 10: He can out-rantanyone from Bill OReilly toChristian Bale

    Sure, Bill OReilly can threaten to do it live,and Christian Bale will trash your lights, butGlenn Beck can outwit, outrage and out-rantthe best of em, from the pithy to the British.

    During a conversation about health carereform on his radio show with a venerable

    opponent known only as Kathy, Glenns voicetransformed into a psychotic growl as heordered the woman to get off his phone. Hespun into a frenzy, squealing once again, Get

    off my phone! in an eerie, falsetto howl. OReilly and Bale can do the whole angry thing, but can theydo it in a spine-chilling shriek? Can they strike terror in the hearts of Kathys everywhere?

    Didnt think so.

    Number 9: He dont need no stinkin logic!

    Ever want to spit in the face of reason and good sense? Glenn does this on a daily basis. Hesbeen quoted as saying, The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be President wouldbe What the hell you mean were out of missiles? On another occasion he said, Timothy McVeighwas a coward. Violence is the stupid way out. Itll discredit any real legitimate movement.

    Take that, brainiacs! Glenn is able to inspire us all to say what we feel, not what we mean.

    Number 8: He doesnt need weed to concoct a good conspiracy theory

    In the olden days, conspiracy theories were reserved for reefer-toking burnouts who were set to

    discredit scientific facts and oppressive government organizations. Glenn has brought radicalsuspicion to the rest of us, turning the most jovial conservative into a seething, paranoid extremist.He can transform public leaders into nazis, communists, fascists or any other kind of unpleasantparty you can think of. Evengaspa socialist! Move over McCarthy, theres a new psycho in town.

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    Glenn has even spearheaded the popular new party game, Six Degrees of Oligarchy.

    Number 7: Who doesnt love chipmunks?

    Glenn vaguely resembles this petite, striped member of the rodentia family. Chipmunks areloveable little creatures that scurry about, collecting nuts and seeds to stuff inside their cheeks. Sowhats Glenns excuse? What has he been storing up there? Is it razors or pushpins, to easily bringtears on command? Frogs, to help croak out his distinctive Kermit voice? Nuts, because

    sometimes he feels like a nut?

    Number 6: Hes been through butt surgery gone awry

    Glenns deep feelings go all the way where the sun dont shine. Back in 2007, when Glenn hated theAmerican health care system, he had eye-opening, melt your brain, phenomenally badhemorrhoid surgery that led him to the brink of suicide. Glenn fully recovered from the ordeal,despite becoming the butt of many jokes thereafter.

    Sadly, surgeons were unable to remove the bug that clearly still resides there.

    Number 5: He went to church for sex

    Some people start going to church to make themselves a better person or to live a life serving God.Glenn found religion because his second wife, Tania, refused to have premarital sex, and wouldntmarry unless the two adopted a faith. So Glenn did what any red-blooded male would do, and that isto race to the car in search of God, leaving a trail of dust la Speedy Gonzales. The two proceededto go on a church tour in search of the perfect religion, ultimately deciding on Mormonism.

    One has to wonder, however, if Tania wasnt trying to pull off some colossal bluff when she askedGlenn to find religion before getting in bed with her.

    Number 4: He is undauntedby fearsome foes likeWhoopi Goldberg

    When appearing on The View in early2009, Glenn was reluctant to addressa complicated conflict between himand the ladies regarding an interludeon an Amtrak train. He responded to

    Barbara Walters melodious inquiry,Why are you nervous? with theassured, confident reply, Have youlooked the way looking-whoop-Whoopies looking at me?

    Whats even better is he hadabsolutely no response to Whoopiesassertion that Glenn is a lying sack ofdog mess.

    Number 3: He has perfectedthe bittersweet Pre-Cry Gasp

    Glenns been mocked for his frequent crying spells, but people dont realize that it takes a certain

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    talent to achieve the consummate Pre-Cry Gasp and subsequent Breath Hold. These steps thatsound a lot like challenging wrestling moves are no laughing matter. If performed incorrectly, Glenncould suffer an aneurysm from holding his breath too long, or worse even more brain damage.

    Consider each successful tantrum a victorious walk along a thin, dangerous line.

    Number 2: Glenn might have been the second shooter in the JFKassassination

    In homage to our friend Glenn, let us explore the possibility of his involvement in the JFKassassination.

    The alleged second shooter was purported to have shot JFK from a grassy knoll. The letters G andK of grassy knoll correspond with the first and last letters of the name Glenn Beck. The U.S.Government affirms that Lee Harvey Oswald was the one and only shooter. Glenns middle name?Lee. Glenn was born in Washington State. What was the capital of the country in which JFK wasmurdered? Washington, DC.The shooting occurred on November 22, 1963. Glenn Beck was born less than three months after,on February 10, 1964. Coincidence? Hardly.

    Draw your own conclusions, America.

    Number 1:He tried togo back intime

    In the 80s, Glenn

    was arrested forspeeding in hisDeLorean. Hewould have beenmore successfulat getting a re-do on his life ifhe hadnt left oneof the gull-wingsof his car wideopen. Great way

    to get in anaccident, terribleway to retreat intime to convince

    your mother she had a headache the night you were conceived.

    Glenn don't just sendpolitical debate back tothe dark ages...send thepast the gift of yourcompany

    Dont ever change, GlennBeck. You are truly andthankfully one of a kind.

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    Top 10: Things to LoveAbout Glenn Beck4.9107