the pulse 12.48 » november 26, 2015

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVENOVEMBER 26, 2015

COMEDY CATCH

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DETAIL

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AGE THREE

GETTING YOUR GOAT

SHOPPING

GIFT GUIDE'TIS THE SEASON

MUSIC

SPARKYTHE ALBUM

ARTS

BIG SCREENPERFORMING LIVE

THANKSGIVINGPAGEANTRY

THE IMPORTANCE OF LEARNING TO BE A TREE

2 • THE PULSE • NOVEMBER 26, 2015 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • NOVEMBER 26, 2015 • THE PULSE • 3

THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. Contents Copyright © 2015 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

Features4 BEGINNINGS: None of our local reps helped protect the voiceless.

7 AIR BAG: Our car guy clears up a few automotive misconceptions.

12 ARTS CALENDAR

14 HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE

22 MUSIC CALENDAR

24 REVIEWS: Ahleuchatistas reaches new heights, Deerhoof delivers live.

25 SUSHI & BISCUITS: Proclaiming the day after T-Day to be a cuisine classic.

26 SCREEN: Netflix’s “Jessica Jones” combines and expands genres.

28 MIXOLOGY: Upping the ante on Thanksgiving dishes. 29 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

29 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD

30 ON THE BEAT: Officer Alex lowers the boom on false comparisons.

EDITORIALManaging Editor Gary Poole

Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

Music Editor Marc T. Michael

Film Editor John DeVore

ContributorsDavid Traver Adolphus

Rob Brezsny • Jennifer CrutchfieldMatt Jones • Mike McJunkin

Ernie Paik • Rick Pimental-Habib Terry Stulce • Alex Teach

Editorial Interns

Brooke Dorn • Sam Hilling

CartoonistsMax Cannon • Rob Rogers

Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

Cover Photo Courtesy Jennifer Crutchfield

FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

ADVERTISINGDirector of Sales Mike Baskin

Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Robyn Graves

Linda Hisey • Rick Leavell Stacey Tyler • Logan Vandergriff

CONTACT Offices

1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402Phone

423.265.9494 Website

chattanoogapulse.comEmail

[email protected]

BREWER MEDIA GROUPPublisher & President Jim Brewer II

November 26, 2015Volume 12, Issue 48

8 Being The Best Tree They Can BeMost of us of a certain age have childhood memories of being in a school play—and the odds are that it was a Thanksgiving

play. For many of us, those experiences were pivotal, and concentrating on being the best tree ever may have helped

shape us and who we would become.

10 Live Survives In A Modern AgeFor many years now, the performing arts community has been

doing a lot of hand-wringing. What will “save” live theatre, opera, classical music and dance in an iEra? Are they doomed to dwindle,

finally becoming only a memory in a completely digitized age?

20 Give Yourself the Gift of Whimsy The first thing I thought when I listened to the album Sparky:

The Album by Sparky: The Band was, “They Might Be Giants!” After a second, closer listening they still remind me of TMBG, and that’s pretty significant because a) No other band

ever has, and b) TMBG is just great.

ContentsCHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

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EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO [email protected]

Where Are Our Voices For Animals?None of our local representatives helped protect the voiceless

Editor’s note: In late October, the Humane Society Legislative Fund released a preview of its annual Hu-mane Scorecard, showing how rep-resentatives voted on animal protection and cruelty issues. View the report for yourself at hslf.org

Down through the centuries, philoso-phers and behaviorists have rec-ognized the connection between animal cruelty and anti-social be-havior. In the 1980s, in recognition of this connection, psychiatrists began including animal cruelty

as a criterion for the diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. In 2009, this connection was con-firmed by an epidemiological study

conducted by a con-sortium of universi-ties. They found that correlates of animal abuse included high levels of aggression toward other people

and a wide variety of other antiso-cial behavior.

This connection appears to be related to a failure to develop an empathic capacity. The capacity is essential to successful functioning

in any human social group. Immanuel Kant’s words echo to us from the eighteenth cen-tury: “If he [a human being] is not to stifle his human feeling, he must practice kindness towards animals, for he who is cruel to animals becomes hard also in his dealing with men. We can judge the heart of a man by his treat-ment of animals.”

So if we accept Kant’s proposition that the treatment of animals is a window to the human soul, what do we see when our con-gressional representatives all score zero on the Humane Society’s annual evaluation of lawmakers’ votes on protecting animals? Bob Corker, Lamar Alexander, and Chuck Fleis-chmann all received big zeros.

All of them voted to weaken the Endan-gered Species Act—and none of them sup-ported any legislation that would protect domestic animals from abuse. Fleischmann even voted against a bill to regulate the ivory trade in America. The United States is the second-largest ivory market in the world. Ev-ery year, 35,000 elephants are killed for their ivory tusks. At the present rate of slaughter, elephants will be completely extinct in 10 to 20 years.

All three of our representatives failed to support legislation to protect horses from be-ing slaughtered for food. Do you think they have a taste for horse meat? They also failed to support legislation to prevent cruelty to ani-mals. This legislation was intended to prevent extreme cruelty in the pursuit of “entertain-ment,” especially the creation of so-called “crush” films which depict animals being

tortured, killed, dismembered, or impaled. However, their most glaring failure to care about the well being of animals is their failure to support legislation to prevent the “soring” of Tennes-see walking horses.

“Soring” is the sadistic prac-tice of inducing pain in a horse’s feet, either chemically or me-chanically, so that the horse will pick up its feet quickly and un-naturally. Despite enormous publicity about the cruelty of this practice, none of our rep-resentatives appear prepared to buck the influence coming from those who continue the practice.

Kant’s hypothesis seems to hold true. A lack of empathy for animals indicates a lack of em-pathy for other people. When was the last time these “repre-sentatives” showed any compas-sion for the plight of Tennes-seans? Tennessee needs jobs, a living wage, health care, driv-able roads, food for our hungry, a good education for our chil-dren and safe communities.

Are Alexander, Corker, and Fleischmann even aware of these needs—or are they totally focused on the “needs” of their rich donors?

OpinionTERRY STULCE

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We’ve got lots of holidays during the year—days for thanking, for shopping, for tricking and for treating. So why not one more day, this time for giving? Not just to those we know, but to ev-eryone. That’s the idea behind #Giv-ingTuesday.

#GivingTuesday is a hashtag, but it’s also a new movement toward a more gen-

erous holiday season. The date is Tuesday, Dec. 1, and the goal

is to spread as much love as you can. Whether

it’s with your family, your community, or even your office, ev-erybody should find a way they can give

back.Better yet, Cause-

way and United Way of Greater Chattanooga are

starting a locally focused arm of

the holiday under the hashtag #CHA-gives. Visit chagives.org for a handy list of local charities and nonprofits that could use your help this holiday season, as well as suggestions for what you can donate.

Then, when you’ve picked out the places you want to help support, take to social media sites and use the hashtags #GivingTuesday and #CHAgives to ex-plain why you’re giving, and why others should too. If everyone does their part, we can make a big difference on just one little day.

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EdiToonby Rob Rogers

Put the “Giving” Back In Thanksgiving

Our cover story this week on the timeless Thanks-giving school

pageant is by Jennifer Crutch-field. When not writing about education and family for The Pulse, Jennifer is the Director of Public Relations at WTCI, Chattanooga’s community PBS station, and

is a relocation agent serving global families moving to the Chattanooga area. Author of “Chattanooga Landmarks,” Jennifer shares her love of history in a column at Chat-tanoogan.com and is mother to Will, George and Max (for which she has plenty of school pageant experience to draw from). You can follow Jennifer on Twitter @JenCrutchfield, on Facebook at Jennifer Ley Crutchfield or email her at [email protected]

Jennifer Crutchfield

— Sam Hilling

Our "Op-Ed" column this week is writ-ten by regular contribu-

tor Terry Stulce. A native Tennessean, Terry was born in Birchwood and raised on a farm in Ooltewah. He gradu-ated from Ooltewah High in 1963. His senior year he was president of the student coun-

cil and captain and MVP of the football team. He attend-ed the University of Tennes-see on an ROTC scholarship and graduated magna cum laude in 1967. He was induct-ed into the Phi Kappa Phi and Phi Beta Kappa honor societ-ies. He served two combat tours in Vietnam, one with the 101st Airborne and one with the 69th Border Rangers. He was an LCSW and owner of Cleveland Family Counsel-ing before retirement in 2009.

Terry Stulce

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In a recent de-bate with Pulse managing editor Gary Poole, he claimed someone said they never washed their car because it “wastes resourc-es.” Gary said he

kept his car washed because it “improves your gas mileage and thereby cuts down on the emissions and air pollution.” The discussion ranged into oil change inter-vals, premium gas and the like. Interest-ing, the number of auto myths out there. Here’s what’s right.

Washing Your Car: Yes. You know what wastes resources? A cup of coffee. Is it fair trade Kenyan? Good for you. You had dry beans transported across at least one continent and an ocean. A modern automatic car wash is actually very en-vironmentally friendly—they have seri-ous water recycling and reuse capabili-ties. And amazingly, if you get enough dirt on your car, it really can increase drag and cost you several MPG. Wash-ing will also really extend your car’s life, which is way eco-friendly. If your radiator is clogged with mud and wasps and you

spray enough out, I suppose your mileage would increase.

Oil Change Intervals: Have them. Synthetic oil used to cost a fortune, which is why we changed our oil all the time. Now it’s cheap. It’s good stuff, too, and almost all modern engines require it. Change it every 5,000 miles or so. Don’t stress about 6,000 miles. Or 8,000. The thing to watch out for, however, is that there’s now a lot of opportunity to burn some oil in the interval. You should prob-ably, you know, check it.

Premium Gas: Maybe. There’s been a funny curve, high-test ethyl-wise: “When we all had carburetors, the more high octane gas we used, the better our performance. Then we all got fuel injec-tion, and almost everything ran fine on 87 octane. But now we all need premium again.”

That’s not quite true. If your car says “regular” on the gas cap, anything more expensive won’t really help you. Your en-gine and engine computer are designed to perform optimally on the cheap stuff. There might be a miniscule benefit to better gas…or there might not. You won’t notice. All these new high-efficiency engines are another story, and they want premium more and more. They’ll run on

cheap gas, but not as well and their en-gine computers will drop your power—and mileage. Incidentally, the gas in your favorite station and Auntie Germaine’s Pies-n’-Gas? Same gas, from the same tank back at the fuel depot.

Warming Up Your Engine: A little. Five-minute warmups were another prod-uct of the carbureted era. But do give it 45 seconds or so to let that sweet synthetic circulate. The best way to warm up a car is actually driving it gently. Driving it hard is another matter entirely. Engine, trans-mission, wheel bearings and differentials would like a few miles before you ham-mer it.

Manual or Automatic Transmis-sion: Yes. Automatic transmissions have made up essentially all their deficien-cies. They no longer sap performance or

decrease mileage as they once did. They still have issues, which is they cost more to make and have more moving parts. If this were 1962 and everything could still be had with manual, then those are the cars you’d logically pick. Most cars don’t even offer one any more, so it’s a moot point.

Can You Kill A Car With A Gun Like They Do In The Movies: Yes. I know this keeps you up at night. You won’t get a huge fireball, but put a big hole through the bottom of the gas tank of a running car, and that’s a recipe for a spectacular fire. Gas vaporizes fast, so to be really certain, let it drain for a few minutes then hit it again with an incendiary round. Of course, the bad guys/good guys will have calmly exited the car and called the fire department by then.

Maybe it would be faster just to shoot the engine block. Thanks to the magic of YouTube, we know that if you have a Ford pickup with the 5.4-liter Triton V-8 that’s already misfiring, it takes three .50 BMG rounds—you know, the ones army snipers use for targets a mile away—to put down the engine. So to sum up: start tak-ing alternating shots at the gas tank and engine with a .50-caliber Barrett, and in a matter of minutes you’ll have a dead car. The More You Know.

David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automo-tive researcher who recently quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. He welcomes the inevitable and probably richly de-served kvetching about Airbag and anything else on Twitter as @proscriptus.

COLUMNAIR BAG

“Mythbusters” Edition, No. 1

DAVID TRAVER ADOLPHUS

Our car guy clears up a few automotive misconceptions

“The gas in your favorite station and Auntie Germaine’s Pies-n’-Gas? Same gas, from the same tank back at the fuel depot.”

Your Home For The Holidays


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A Thanksgiving pageant or other arts experiences can be life-changing for kidsBy Jennifer Crutchfield, Pulse contributor

Being The Best Tree They Can Be

Thanksgiving itself is a uniquely American experience. Many other countries have celebra-tions of their history or culture, but our country’s Thanksgiving remains unparalleled as a family-based celebration with national buy-in. Over 3.5 million people watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in person each year and over 50 mil-lion of us join in on television, commemorating the original three-day autumn harvest feast first celebrated in 1621.

As Americans, we may not all celebrate the same holidays and we may have significant cultural or economic differences, but we can all talk turkey. Whether you call it stuffing or dressing, nearly 88 percent of Americans will enjoy 46 million turkeys this year and the story of that shared meal is one everyone knows.

It’s no surprise that the Thanksgiving play is go-to staple for arts educators producing plays for young actors. “It’s a story that everyone knows,” says Kelly Shimel, the chorus and theatre teacher at Normal Park. “The universal theme of Thanks-giving can connect with the history curriculum and there are so many parts, you can engage an entire class of children.”

Thanksgiving is a safe subject, an easy story to produce for children of all ages and it is often a Thanksgiving play at school that people point to as their first experience on stage. Studies suggest that students who are involved in drama perfor-

mances outscore students who don’t on standard-ized testing, have improved school attendance and reduced dropout rates. Students who are engaged through drama and music education learn many important life skills. Cinnamon Halbert-Smith, mother, educator and professional dancer, encour-ages parents to work with their children to explore after-school opportunities in dance and perform-ing arts, citing increased confidence, self-esteem and responsibility.

Way beyond “just frills”

Ann Law, co-founder of Barking Legs Theater, glows when she talks about the impact of art education on children’s lives. The relationship between art education and elementary students’ interests and aspirations is critical—and the im-portance of those moments can change children. “Everyone should be engaged in the creative process,” says Law, and, through her producing entity CoPAC, she has created a pilot teaching artists program designed to provide educators with an elaborate system to bring art education into the everyday life of students.

Choose a camp at the Chattanooga Theatre Centre, a program at the innovative 4th Floor at the Chattanooga Public Library or a church play—there are great programs in Chattanooga to con-nect kids to creative outlets for expression. The

ost of us of a certain age have childhood memories of being in a school play—and the odds are that it was a Thanksgiving play. For many of us, those experiences were pivotal, and concentrating on being the best tree ever may have helped shape us and who we would become.

M 4th Floor is a public laboratory and educational facility with a focus on information, design, technology and the applied arts, hosting equip-ment, expertise, programs and events that can inspire young minds.

Numerous studies point to the correlation between drama involvement and academic achievement yet few schools have the staff-ing, resources and time to offer this valuable connection between curriculum and self-ex-pression. The performance of a story and other drama activities in the classroom can contribute to a student's understanding of the material and these experiences also develop increased understanding of language and expression.

Only a handful of middle schools in Hamil-ton County offer drama education, but Chat-tanooga’s vibrant arts community supports a plethora of camps, programs and partnerships that introduce students of all ages to drama and performance education.

The performance arts are all about creating something larger than each of us, and whether it is technical direction, writing, performing or set design, there are opportunities to connect important life skills with practical lessons for students while building self-esteem and teach-ing responsibility. Catherine Bolden, an educa-tor, artistic director, curriculum design expert and arts literacy advocate, teaches the creative process and problem-solving through invention at TechTown, connecting the STEM focus with creative learning systems.

Bolden enjoys “making learning fun, creating systems that work for all learners, and giving every child who want to give art and technology a try a chance to try.” Creative learning systems are emerging in science education as “project-based” learning and, according to Bolden,


“TechTown has the gizmos, the future vision and a commitment to level the technology opportunity playing field for kids.” TechTown will infuse cultural arts and fun into existing learn-ing opportunities and deliver a series of creative programs that focus on 21st century job readiness, so that anyone with an idea can make techno-magic, incubating the creators of the future.

Writing original plays and the dra-matic presentation of them can teach valuable life skills to students of all ages, building self-esteem, communi-cation skills and responsibility. Kate Forbes, a veteran actress and director of the Muse of Fire Project, remem-bers her first performance fondly. From a humble beginning as the ninth shepherd in a Christmas pageant, she evolved into a celebrated actress, sharing her craft with Chattanooga children through a playwriting project that guides young people with widely different abilities and experiences in writing their own plays.

Students work together on theater games, drawing on skills that they know from math and science, as they use problem-solving and reasoning to address challenges on stage. “Act-ing in school plays gave me a voice,” says Forbes. “As a kid who wasn’t on a team, and was an introvert, being part of the school play was my first experi-ence of success, of working with my classmates.”

The arts and closing the gap

There’s now a national focus on closing the “achievement gap” be-tween students of varying abilities and socioeconomic status, and the arts, including drama, cater to dif-ferent styles of learning, engaging students who might otherwise not be motivated by school and academics. Theatre arts and drama activities can improve social and language skills of students with learning disabilities and remedial readers and can contribute to improved reading achievement and attitude in disadvantaged students.

When surveyed, most people agree that the performing arts contribute to the education and development of children and over half of most respon-dents in a Performing Arts Research Coalition survey reported having attended a live theater performance in the past year. A Harris Poll reported that 93 percent of Americans believe that the arts are essential to a com-plete education and their impact can have a life-long effect.

In 1992, Jill Levine, principal at Normal Park Museum Magnet, was a Teach for America corps member assigned to a low-performing school in New Orleans. Recognizing that doing musicals was an effective way of getting parents involved, Levine put her art and history major to work and began producing musicals. Recently,

on assignment in Washington, DC for the Department of Education, she saw arts education come full circle at the Warner Theatre as her former third-grade student starred in the national tour of “Memphis: The Musical.”

Azusa Dance, (SheShe to some), is another wonderful example of how the performing arts can change a life. A shy child, daughter of educators, Azusa was terrified of singing but remembers fondly being in a holiday play with her favorite doll, Jane, as the baby Jesus and a red-haired school mate as Joseph. “It felt good. It was all about me!” she remembers now.

As a mother, she celebrated her children’s growth and creative ex-pression when they were students at Barger Academy of Fine Arts and the Center for Creative Arts. She baked cookies, ushered and worked behind the scenes for years and says, “What you do for your children shapes the future they’ll have and the dreams they can have.” Inspiring her church’s children as a youth minister, Dance produced plays and taught each child that every part is important and that everyone plays an important part.

Dance herself grew, changed and taught and today she’s far from being terrified to sing. A talented vocalist entertaining Chattanooga audiences with the Creative Underground and stealing the show in the Chattanooga

Theatre Centre hit production of “Hairspray,” Dance is now taking her dream to New York.

She taught Chattanooga children to be proud of being the best tree ever and helped their parents understand how important it was to celebrate every role. This year she will follow that dream, taking every role she can get and embarking on an adventure and a mission. With a powerful voice and contagious enthusiasm, she is an inspiring example of how important it can for a child to learn to be a tree. Or a Pilgrim.

Resources:

Barking Legs Theater1307 Dodds Ave.(423) 624-5347barkinglegs.orgChattanooga Public LibraryThe 4th Floor1001 Broad St.(423) 757-5310chattalibrary.org/4th-floorChattanooga Theatre Centre400 River St.(423) 267-8534theatrecentre.orgThe Muse of Fire Projectthemuseoffireproject.orgTechTown Foundation325 Market St. #200(423) 308-7730gotechtown.org


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The camera becomes your eyes as people in the London theatres settle into their seats, rustling programs and cramming sweets into their mouths.”

“

ArtsJANIS HASHE

Live Survives In An Age Of ProgrammedThe performing arts get with the times…big time and more so all the time

Well, first of all, the reports of their deaths have been greatly exaggerated. The performing arts are nothing is not adaptable, and adapting they are. (More on a major trend here in a moment.) And as a younger generation of performers takes over the reins, younger audiences are beginning to return to live perfor-mance.

Case in point: The phenomenal suc-cess of the hip-hop musical “Hamilton,” sold out on Broadway for the foresee-able future and about, for heaven’s sake, one of our Founding Fathers. Shades of “1776!”

Nonetheless, it’s true that the compe-tition for people’s time and attention re-mains fierce. Also, how to fight the “elit-ist” aura still clinging to these events? What if you can’t afford a $200 (or more) theatre ticket?

The old saying, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” turns out to be appropriate here. One of the biggest trends in bring-ing in bigger and wider audiences to “live” performance is live streaming. No, you don’t get the real roar of the grease-paint and smell of the crowd, but having attended both the Benedict Cumber-batch “Hamlet” and the David Suchet “The Importance of Being Earnest” at the East Ridge 18, I’m here to tell you that it’s still pretty darn cool.

The camera becomes your eyes as peo-

FOR MANY YEARS NOW, THE PERFORMING ARTS COM-munity has been doing a lot of hand-wringing. What will “save”

live theatre, opera, classical music and dance in an iEra? Are they doomed to dwindle, finally becoming only a memory in a completely digitized age?

Drums And Leaves For The Day AfterSkip the mall madness and head to River Gallery

Looking for an alternative to the Black Friday tornado? If you’re try-ing to redirect your attention away from the post-Thanksgiving whirl-wind of retail this year, River Gallery has your back. Head to the Bluff to visit their holiday open house in-stead of getting into a cage match over an Xbox.

The open house will feature two of the gallery’s working artists, Mi-chael Thiele and Andrea Wilson, as they show visitors how they create their pieces and discuss the final results. River Gallery will also be announcing their holiday promo-tion, which will support the Orange Grove Center.

Michael Thiele creates beautiful drums out of hardwood, each with unique qualities and intricacies

worked into their surfaces. Visitors will be able to watch him play his creations and show off their designs. Meanwhile, Andrea Wilson paints watercolor paintings of leaves so realistic they could be mistaken for the real thing, and will demonstrate her techniques as you watch.

The open house begins at 10 a.m. on Friday, Nov. 27, and goes until 5 p.m. that evening at River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. Admission is free. Call (423) 265-5033 ext. 5 or visit river-gal-lery.com for more information.

— Sam Hilling

River Gallery Open HouseFriday, 10 a.m.400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033 river-gallery.com

FRI11.27LIGHTING IT UP

Grand Illumination & 35th Annual Lighted Boat ParadeA Chattanooga riverfront tradition for the family.7 p.m.Erwin Marine Riverfront201 Riverfront Pkwy.(423) 266-1316erwinmarinesales.com

SAT11.28AQUA HOLIDAYS

Holidays Under The PeaksWill Santa swim with the fishes? Probably not, but there is plenty of festive fun to see this season.10 a.m.Tennessee Aquariaum 1 Broad St tnaqua.com

THU11.26TURKEY TIME

16th Annual Grateful Gobbler WalkGet a head start on working off those Thanskgiving feast calories with a good walk. 8 a.m.Coolidge Park150 River St.(423) 847-5488gratefulgobblerwalk.org

Michael Thiele shows off his drums


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ple in the London theatres settle into their seats, rustling programs and cram-ming sweets into their mouths. There are even “intervals” (intermissions to us) for dashing out to a bathroom break. I can’t get to London to see either of those productions, but I had a chance to see them in East Ridge. Go figure.

(Note: Because of the time differ-ence, only UK audiences actually saw these performances live. But it’s still a totally different experience than seeing a taped version of a play.)

It’s not just plays—opera, many forms of dance, symphonic music—all are diving into this new concept with a vengeance and why not? Not only do vastly more people get to see their performances, but these tickets ($20 for “Hamlet,” $15 for “Earnest,” are bringing much-needed clams into the arts bucket.

So, if you haven’t yet discovered your resource for this, it’s carmike.com, then click on “Events and the Arts” on the left-hand side of the page. Scroll down to see what’s playing on what days. Be aware that not all events are in all the-aters, so you will need to click on the event and see if it’s playing here.

Most of the time, it will be either at the East Ridge 18, the Majestic down-town, or sometimes both. You’ll have to be able to go when it’s playing—like live performance, once it’s gone, it’s

gone. Check often, because what I’ve discovered is the list changes quite of-ten—you could miss a personal favor-ite.

Here are some of the upcoming choices:

Dec. 2, 6:30 p.m.: An encore of the live stream of The Met’s “Lulu.” This is actually a repeat of the performance that did stream live, but if you couldn’t make the first date, it’s still a wonder-ful chance to see a classic opera by a world-class company.

Dec. 3, 8 p.m.: Rifftrax Live: “Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.” You know you are out there, “Mystery 3000” geeks. Start celebrating the hols with a hearty yuck or two.

Dec. 4 (time not yet announced): “American Saturday Night: Live from the Grand Old Opry.” Even the Opry is getting on board this train, and an ex-cellent journey it should be.

Dec. 5, 12:55 p.m.: The Lincoln Center: “Balanchine’s The Nutcrack-er.” Repeat on Dec. 10 at 7 p.m. Lush, lovely, unforgettable.

Never count out the native ingenuity of those dedicated to live performance. That quicksilver adaptability has saved their bacon for several thousand years.

My bet? Live shows will still be around when

the iPhone seems as outdated as the Victrola.


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THURSDAY11.26 Sports Barn Turkey Trot7 a.m.Sportsbarn301 Market St.(423) 265-4397sportsbarn.net16th Annual Grateful Gobbler Walk8 a.m.Coolidge Park150 River St.(423) 847-5488gratefulgobblerwalk.orgStuffing Strut, Inc.8 a.m.Chester Frost Park2277 N. Goldpoint Cir.(423) 842-0177stuffingstrut.comHolidays Under The Peaks10 a.m.Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St .tnaqua.comThanksgiving Brunch on the Bluff11 a.m.Bluff View Art District(423) 265-5033bluffviewartdistrict.comThanksgiving Feast11 a.m.The Chattanoogan Hotel1201 Broad St.(423) 424-3700chattanooganhotel.comThanksgiving Dinner at Pier 22 p.m.01 Riverfront Pkwy.(423) 266-4488chattanoogariverboat.com

FRIDAY11.27

Opening Day Morning Meditation7:30 a.m.Warehouse Row1110 Market St.(423) 267-1127facebook.com/WarehouseRowRiver Gallery Holiday Open House10 a.m.River Gallery400 E. 2nd St.(423) 265-5033river-gallery.comHolidays Under The Peaks10 a.m.Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. tnaqua.com Free Photos with Santa and Mrs. Claus

11 a.m.The Barn Nursery1801 E. 24th St. Pl.(423) 698-2276Grand Illumination & 35th Annual Lighted Boat Parade7 p.m.Erwin Marine Riverfront201 Riverfront Pkwy.(423) 266-1316erwinmarinesales.comJon Reep and Jen Kober7:30, 9:45 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

SATURDAY11.28

Breakfast with Santa9 a.m.The Chattanoogan Hotel

1201 Broad St.(423) 424-3700chattanooganhotel.comBrainerd Farmers Market10 a.m.Grace Episcopal Church20 Belvoir Ave.(423) 698-0330saygrace.netHolidays Under The Peaks10 a.m.Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. tnaqua.com This Old House Encore Open HouseNoonCloudland StationMill Creek Ln.(423) 544-5213cloudlandstation.comJon Reep and Jen Kober7:30, 9:45 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

SUNDAY11.29 Holidays Under The Peaks10 a.m.Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. tnaqua.com Civil War Cruise: The Battle of Missionary Ridge11 a.m.River Gorge Explorer1 Broad St.(423) 262-0695tnaqua.orgThis Old House Encore

PULSE PICK: JON REEPJon won Season 5 of NBC’s Last Comic Standing and is the host of “R U Faster Than a Redneck?” on the Speed cable network.

Jon ReepThe Comedy Catch at the Chattanooga Choo Choo1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

RubyFalls.com423.821.2544

Named“One of the

Ten Most Incredible

CaveWaterfallson Earth”World Reviewer

RubyFallsZip.com 423.821.2544

OpenBlack Friday

& Saturday!

Last Zipof the

season!


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Holidays Under The Peaks

Open HouseNoonCloudland StationMill Creek Ln.(423) 544-5213cloudlandstation.comFootball FANatics1 p.m.The Foundry1201 Broad St.(423) 424-3775chattanooganhotel.com“Roman Holiday”2 p.m.East Ridge 185080 S. Terrace(423) 855-9652carmike.com/eventsJon Reep and Jen Kober7:30 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

MONDAY11.30 Holidays Under The Peaks10 a.m.Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St.tnaqua.com Christmas at the Commons Tree Lighting5:30 p.m.Collegedale Commons4950 Swinyar Dr.(423) 664-3022collegedale.foundationVintage Swing Dance7 p.m.Clear Spring Yoga17 N. Market St.

(931) 982-1678clearspringyoga.com

TUESDAY12.1 The Experience: 5 Principles of Disney Service8:30 a.m.Chattanooga Funeral Home7414 Old Lee Hwy.(423) 664-3833theexpint.comHolidays Under The Peaks10 a.m.Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St.tnaqua.com Mindfulness for Beginners5:45 p.m.Center for Mindful Living1212 McCallie Ave.(423) 486-1279centerformindfulliving.wildapricot.org“Roman Holiday”7 p.m.East Ridge 185080 S. Terrace(423) 855-9652carmike.com/events

WEDNESDAY12.2 Holidays Under The Peaks10 a.m.Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St tnaqua.com Middle East Dance10:30 a.m.Jewish Cultural Center5461 N. Terrace

(423) 493-0270jewishchattanooga.comMain Street Farmers Market4 p.m.325 E. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.comBasic Dairy Culturing5:30 p.m.Chattanooga WorkSpace302 W. 6th St.(423) 413-8978thechattery.orgWednesday Night Chess Club6 p.m.Downtown Public Library1001 Broad St.(423) 757-5310The Met: “Lulu” (encore)6:30 p.m.East Ridge 185080 S. Terrace(423) 855-9652carmike.com/eventsShaun Jones7:30 p.m.The Comedy Catch1400 Market St.(423) 629-2233thecomedycatch.com

ONGOING Enchanted Garden of LightsRock City1400 Patten Rd.Lookout Mountain, GA(706) 820-2531seerockcity.com “Jerusalem 3D”IMAX 3D Theater201 Chestnut St.(423) 266-4629“The Polar Express 3D”

IMAX 3D Theater201 Chestnut St.(423) 266-4629“Fall Color and Action”The Gallery at Blackwell71 Eastgate Loop(423) 344-5643“Imagining American Girlhood”The Hunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org“Japonisme and America”The Hunter Museum of Art10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968huntermuseum.org“Serpentine Chain Collection”Shuptrine’s2646 Broad St.(423) 266-4453alanshuptrine.com“Trees and Skies”Reflections Gallery6922 Lee Hwy(423) 892-3072reflectionsgallerytn.com“Renewal”In-Town Gallery26a Frazier Ave.(423) 267-9214intowngallewry.com“Biblical Wood Panels” by Bernard GoreBessie Smith Cultural Center200 E. MLK Blvd.(423) 266-8658bessiesmithcc.org

Make Plans!

For more info call:706.820.2531

1400 Patten Road,Lookout Mountain, GA 30750

Open Christmas Night (Closed Christmas Eve Night)

A portion of each ticket sold goes to support

Ronald McDonald House Charities of Greater

Chattanooga

A Magical Adventurefor the Whole Family

Nightly at Rock City • 6pm-9pmatop Lookout Mountain!

Meet Santa & Mrs. Claus Gingerbread Cookie Decorating

Sugar Plum Fairy MakeoversLive North Pole Lodge Entertainment

Inara the Ice Queen & Jack FrostThe Magical Dancing Forest

Award-Winning Lighting Extravaganzawith Breathtaking Holiday Scenes

Now throughJanuary 2!

Map these locations on chatta-noogapulse.com. Send event list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected]

14 • THE PULSE • NOVEMBER 26, 2015 • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Holiday

Holiday gift ideas from around the city

and around the world

2015

ShoppingGuide

If you are one of those folks for whom things must be just so, then this cutting board is for you. The Obsessive Chef is a 9 x 12 inch cutting board made of strong, long-wearing beechwood, and it clearly spells out the most precise measurements in exacting detail. So, don't worry...it's OK to go a little overboard. And if you want to wash it twenty times after you use it, we won't tell. $26, brit.co

Looking for neat new things from around the world? The Try The World Gift Box comes to your door every two months, chock full of gourmet items curated by expert chefs. They work with small, family-owned companies who follow artisanal methods of production. The result is a box of items that are hard to find in the U.S., but loved by locals.$39, trytheworld.com

Individually sculpted by hand, these

stoneware Dash Planters are left unglazed,

exposing a sandy texture with dimensional dashes

in white or gold. The interior is finished with a metallic palladium glaze,

and the planter rests on a footed base.

$60, leifshop.com

It's the "must have" toy of this holiday season: the BB-8 Droid from the eagerly

anticipated upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens movie. BB-8 has something unlike any other robot—an adaptive personality that changes as you play. It’s now possible to explore the galaxy with your own trusty Astromech Droid by your side. BB-8 is

more than a toy—it’s your companion.$149.99, sphero.com

F OR G E T T HE F R UI T C A K EG I V E A L I T E R A R Y G IF T

T HI S S E A S ONIN THE CLARKE CENTRE

1467 MARKET STREET, SUITE 106

AT MARKET & MAIN

MOND AY–S AT UR D AY 10 am–7pm

F R E E G IF T W R A P P INGSTARLINEBOOKS.COM

423.777.5629

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • NOVEMBER 26, 2015 • THE PULSE • 15

Depth, strength and elegance combined in an expression of simplicity. Obaku Watches are designed to be subtly and confidently beautiful. Come see these elegant timepieces at Wright Jewelers.6311 East Brainerd Rd.wrightjeweler.com

Revitalize your skin and create and

Infinitely sumptuous tan with the Infinity

Sun™ Glow on the Go Bronze all natural,

anti-aging sunless tanning aerosol. Come stock up for the winter

months at Healthy Glow Studio.

2 North Shore, Suite 204.

healthyglowstudio.com

This holiday season, share Black Broadway: African Americans on The Great White Way, the acclaimed new book by six-time Tony Award winning producer and author Stewart F. Lane (La Cage aux Folles, A Gentleman's Guide..., War Horse). Uniquely illustrated with over 300 dynamic photographs (many of which have never been published to date), Black Broadway chronicles the journey of black theatre in America, alongside a running timeline of African-American history.$26.91, amazon.com

The slow drip method of brewing coffee, once only found in select specialty coffee shops,

is known for producing a less acidic, less bitter cup with

exceptional complexity. Drip by drip the Slow Drip Cold Bruer

coffee pot's slow hypnotic process unmasks the natural

sweetness, and full-bodied original flavors of any coffee

you choose to brew.$80, bruer.co

ski shop7698 E. BrainErd road

423.892.6767•dodgecityski.com

learn to ski and

snowboard on

VirtUalsnow

intro sessionPerfect for the beginneror intermediate skier. You test Virtual Snow,Virtual Snow tests you!1HoUr $125

basic packageDevelop skills, build confidence on Virtual Snow with video drills5 1-HoUr sessions $599.95

Plus bonus 1-hoursession free and anotherbonus 1-hour sessionfree when you returnfrom your ski vacation!

tHe inVestment of a lifetime!

CONVENIENT SCHEDULES•CaLL TODay!SKIS•SNOWBOaRDS•SKI aPPaREL

dodge city

Caroline coaches Kaitlyn on the Virtual Ski Machine

16 • THE PULSE • NOVEMBER 26, 2015 • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Holiday

2015

ShoppingGuide

The Dylan Fedora is made with the hardest felt to date, giving it

a nice crunch that is sure to break in like a beauty. Because no man's wardrobe is complete

without a stylish fedora.$108, sizes S to XL, yellow108.com

Based on a classic French city bike design, the Public M8 Electric Bicycle mixte frame offers the versatility of a step-through with the performance of a diamond frame, with a strong new full-chromoly frame uniquely designed for e-bike performance for added strength and stiffness. It can go up to 20mph with a range of 25-35 miles on a full charge depending on your riding conditions.$2,499 (reduced from $2,699)publicbikes.com

The Rikke Hagen's Whiskey Glass combines elegance, pleasure and

function in a simple, Nordic design. Aroma, temperature and volume all come together in one superb glass.

$50, set of two, yliving.com

GIFTS • BRIDAL HOME • JEWELRY

330 Frazier Ave • Mon-Fri: 10-6 Sat: 10-5423.266.0585 • plumnellyshop.com

Happy Holidays!

Chattanooga’s Home for

locally made jewelry,

art, pottery, glassware, and so much more...

hand hammered silver quote bracelets from

dana ruth ~ atlanta, ga

please join us for black friday and small business saturday

$$$$$$$$

RICK DAVISGOLD AND DIAMONDSR i c k D a v i s G o l d a n d D i a n m o n d s . n e t

423-499-91625301 Brainerd Rd

Paying you the most...

over 40 years& counting!

Biggest Sale

- EVER -Now When You Need It

NOT AFTER

CHRISTMAS

50% to 70% OFFTotal Store - Dealer Direct

$100 to &1,000

sophiesshoppe.com 423-756 -87 1 1

401 N MARKET NORTH Chattanooga

POP-UP SHOP � 100 W MAIN, SouthsideOPEN DEC. 4 THRU THE HOLIDAYS�FREE PARKING&

holidayhome H E R

F I N D S for


These Animal Paper Clips are tremendously

adorable—not to mention functional. (And they're the

perfect gift for an animal lover.) Sturdy, reusable, in squirrel, dog,

rabbit, alligator, deer and turtle shapes, and come with a slide-open storage case.

$9, mignon-shop.com

A modern twist on the classic inkblot personality test, The Redstone

Inkblot Test includes 12 beautiful inkblots to analyze and interpret. Any

interpretation can be a jumping-off point for self-discovery, or maybe just

a good laugh! A 32-page handbook features a full personality profile for

each blot, a short history of inkblots, and tips on how to use the test.

$14.95, mcachicagostore.org

Burn this bundle of Juniper Ridge White Sage and breathe in the aroma that brings to mind beautiful leaf clusters and enormous flowering stalks that burst forth in the spring, painting streaks of white against the rusty green hillsides.$11, juniperridge.com

An aromatic botanical bathroom deodoriser to

combat the malodorous. After vigorous activity

has occurred in the bathroom, Post-Poo

Drop's crisp citrus peel notes—fortified with

rich floral elements—effectively neutralise disagreeable smells. The perfect stocking stuffer for the manly

man on your list.$29, aesop.com

The Parrot Zik 2.0 are the most advanced headphones in the world. Bluetooth enabled, sound canceling, and 17% lighter than the 1.0, these elegantly engineered headphones are pefect for the audiophile and traveler.$299, parrot.com

OFFERINGWITHOUT EXPOSURE TO HARMFUL UV RAYS!A GOLDEN HEALTHY TAN

––

The Gallerieson Williams Street

1403 Williams StreetChattanooga, TN

On the Southside

Open Tues - Sat 10:30 am - 5:00 pmThursday 10:30 am - 6:00 pm

(423) 521-4445

[email protected]

BLACK FRIDAY SALE 15% - 50% OFF REGULAR MERCHANDISE ALL DAY

25% - 50% OFF CHRISTMAS ONLY FROM 10 AM - 12 PM

18 • THE PULSE • NOVEMBER 26, 2015 • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM20

15

The Crosley Messenger Turntable is a functional shoulder bag containing a turntable (yes, really!), so your music maven won’t miss a beat. A lightweight construction and an adjustable shoulder strap ensure easy transport, and a headphone jack makes it easy to hold a personal concert anywhere. $89.95, crosleyradio.com

The Imperium Woodcraft Double Edge Hardwood is a modern version of the classic razor your Dad used. It is made from sustainable Brazilian Cocobolo wood and finished to a high shine making it durable and water resistant and features a heavy nickel plating. $54,99, imperiumwood.com

Wright JeWelers 6311 e. Brainerd rd • (423) 499-0569

wrightjewelers.com

www.summittp i anos .com • 6209 Lee Hwy • 499-0600 • C losed SaturdayCHATTANOOGA

Now starting new at just

NEWUprights Are On Sale!

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Our entireselection ofnew uprightpianosare on sale!Choosefrom avariety ofstyles andfinishes.

Now starting at only

USEDGrand Pianos

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USEDYamaha Disklavier

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customer have an image?

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Year End Clearance Sale! Prices drastically reduced. Save like never before!Sheet Music • Piano Service & Repair • Moving

NEW Grands,Worlds Best Seller

NEW Consoles,Worlds Best Seller

Used Player Grands$4,988 up!

Used Spinet & Consoles $388 up!$7,488up! $2,988up!

Happy Holidays4520 Hixson Pike, Hixson, TN 37343www.frameworksartgallery.com423.877.1391 • Open Weekdays 10a-6p

robbie l. woodowner

Every man needs a kilt, whether or not he has

Scottish heritage. This Traditional Kilt from

Got-Kilt is made from quality acrylic, fully

lined, and comes with three snazzy buckles.

$69, got-kilt.com

Fall in love with the spirit of Christmas with this 18” Karen Didion Collectibles Santa that is great for any shelf, mantle, and countertop. With this character’s traditional design and whimsical

touch, he’s sure to add character and style to any home. Stop by The Galleries on Williams Street

to see their entire selection of Santas. 1403 Williams St.

thegalleriesonwilliams.com


HolidayShopping

GuideFor the Sunday morning chef with a sense of whimsy: a stovetop waffle iron that turns out generous—and hilarious—breakfasts. The Keyboard Waffle iron has cordless construction that even allows it to be used on the grill! It’s a keyboard he won’t mind sitting in front of over the weekend. $85, thekeyboardwaffleiron.com

This unique set of jewelry is by artist Christinne Gladden and can be found—along with more of her work—at Plum Nelly on the Northshore at 330 Frazier Ave., #104. And be sure to mark your calendars as they host a trunk show featuring her jewelry on Tuesday, December 8th.

“It's about style, not age”

Bleu Door Boutique2040 Hamilton Place Blvd.

Suite 136Chattanooga, TN 37421

(Next to Southern Charm)(423) 805-BLEU (2538)

bleudoorboutique.com

The Soma Water Picther includes a filter that

features coconut shell carbon and a plant-based

casing so you can feel good about your water...

and yourself. For every pitcher sold, $15 will be

donated to Charity:Water to support their water project in Bangladesh.

$49-$159drinksoma.com

FR

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Est. 1984

Southern Saddlery Building3069 South Broad St., Suite 1

634-0677Tuesday-Friday 10-6Visit us on Facebook


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MusicMARC T. MICHAEL

This wasn’t an album for kids so much as a kids’ album for grown-ups and that makes it so much more wonderful.”

“

THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WHEN I LISTENED to the album Sparky: The Album by Sparky: The Band was,

“They Might Be Giants!”After a second, closer listening they still remind me of TMBG, and that’s pretty significant because a) No other band ever has, and b) TMBG is just great.

That being said, I know two of the three musicians in this band and they aren’t trying to sound like anyone but themselves. They just happen to be full of talent, humor and whimsy. Yes, I said whimsy.

The musician who first brought the album to my attention, James Lowery of the Roadrunners, said, “It kinda reminds me of a kids’ album” and you know? It kinda reminded me of one as well, at first. After a track or two I thought, “Well, OK, a kids’ album for kids who are pretty smart and have laid-back par-ents…” After a few more tracks I had to concede that this wasn’t an album for kids so much as a kids’ album for grown-ups and that makes it so much more won-derful.

First, a few elements universal to the album and then we’ll touch on a few of the most exceptional tracks. Humor permeates the work. At times it is fairly highbrow. At other times it is…decidedly less so. High or low, it is all quite clever and full of wordplay. I love word play. It’s like tickling your brain. The musician-ship is bulletproof. The rhythm parts occasionally seem to be improvised from whatever was handy at the time. Lyrical-ly, it’s some of the best stuff I’ve heard.

“Homo Sapien,” the first track on the album and the one that made me think instantly of TMBG, is a lighthearted look at what it means to be one. A bit like Xavier: Renegade Angel, but sig-nificantly less abstract. “Human Being” is a deceptive number that opens with a catalog of reasons why it’s great to be one before suggesting (not cynically in

FRI11.27MELON TUNES

American WatermelonWith influences from artists like The Band and Leon Russell, this tight three-piece from Nashville has a funky Southern sound to get your toes tapping. 9 p.m.Clyde’s on Main122 W. Main St.clydesonmain.com

SAT11.28FRENCH FUN

Irenka *From Brussels to Paris to England and then to the USA, Irenka * is a self-made modern gypsy, currently singing her adventures across the country. 10 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.com

THU11.26TURKEY TUNES

Bluegrass ThursdaysTop off your pumpkin pie with some downtown Appalachian music on the Southside. There may even be a bit of post-holiday dancing, too.7:30 p.m.FEED Co. Table and Tavern201 W. Main St.feedtableandtavern.com

In Tone for Ten YearsToneharm celebrates a decade at the Revelry Room

Chattanooga comes alive with musical talents almost every night of the week, and just because the holi-days are drawing nearer, and every day it gets colder doesn’t mean the city’s taking a break from nightlife.

This Thanksgiving, eat up, be-cause you’re going to work it all off Friday night at Revelry Room as they play host to not one, but three DJs on Nov. 27. Chattanooga’s very own Toneharm is celebrating their tenth anniversary, and it’s sure to be a cra-zy good time.

Born of three Chattanooga DJs, State Looper, Scratch Dent, and Archbishop, Toneharm has been blending genres for a while now, mixing heavy beats on the turnta-bles with “fine malted beats” for a

dancing good time. After beating up the dance scene

for the last decade with their incred-ible vibe, Toneharm’s ready to bring it home for the party of the holiday season.

Consider them Christmas lights since their electronic dance mu-sic would light up any party. It’s an 18-and-older show, so kids, sit this one out. Tickets are $10 at the door and in advance.

— Brooke Dorn

Toneharm 10th AnniversaryFriday, 7:30 p.m.Revelry Room41 E. 14th St. (423) 521-2929revelryroom.co

Give Yourself the Gift of WhimsySparky: The Album is for the kid in you

“


any way) that maybe we ain’t so great as all that. “Puppies” is one of the tracks that could be a straightforward kids’ tune as it is simply about, well, puppies. “That’s how I know you love your puppy/’cause I love puppies too.”

“If I Had a Time Machine” is my favorite track from the album and prob-ably one of my favorite from the last year or so. It starts out with your typical “Here’s what I’d go back and change” and seems to be subtly offering some good life advice, especially where stu-dent loans are concerned.

Pretty soon though, the singer is thinking of ways to make himself rich, which would then turn him into the sort of person he wouldn’t want to be around anyway. Time paradoxes abound. All is resolved when our man realizes that “mistakes are why you are” and that best thing to do is to smash the time machine into bits and “learn to live each minute 60 seconds at a time.”

There are so many more fantastic tracks on this album; it’s a terrible shame to skip over them. “Amelia” is one of the sweetest and sincerest love songs I’ve heard and “The Beans”

is…well, it’s a bluesy, Grateful Dead-esque/Frank Zappa sort of tune about flatulence and it is hilarious. “Sexy Lit-tle Sexy,” by the way, is the tune that made me realize that this is definitely not a kids’ album.

The band consists of Reverend #9, Burly Temple and Shotgun Bubble-gum, three fellas who met through open mics around town and discovered they loved making music together. For now the band is limiting its appear-ances to open mic events and their Facebook page is a good way to keep up with those. My verdict on Sparky: The Band? Given their superb musi-cianship and writing skills, if the band were a vehicle, it would be a super high-toned exotic sports car, but they wouldn’t show it off or race it, they’d just tool around town using it to pass out ice cream to whoever wanted some.

Check out the album on Sound Cloud, check out the band live and in person at an open mic near you. It’ll be the happiest thing you do that day. Incidentally, although we do live in a cash-based economy, the members would like it known that they are open to bartering for albums.

3 WAYS TO PURCHASE TICKETSTRACK29.CO • REVELRYROOM.CO • (423) 521-2929

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ROCK THE MIC SUNDAY

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JOSH FADEM & JOHNNY PEMBERTON

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STRUNG LIKE A HORSE

DOPAPOD • NTH POWER

HIGH ON FIRE WITH CROWBAR

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NICK LUTSKO & THE PUPPET PEOPLE

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12/1912/19

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12/26

12/27

FALL CONCERT CALENDAR


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THURSDAY11.26 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m.St. John’s Meeting Place1278 Market St.stjohnsrestaurant.comChristian Mann6:30 p.m. Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comPrime Country Band6:30 p.m.Ringgold Nutrition Center144 Circle Dr., Ringgold(706) 935-2541Live Bluegrass6:30 p.m.Whole Foods Market301 Manufacturers Rd.wholefoodsmarket.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comJesse James & Tim Neal7 p.m.Mexi Wings VII5773 Brainerd Rd.(423) 296-1073Bluegrass Thursdays7:30 p.m.FEED Co. Table and Tavern201 W. Main St.feedtableandtavern.com Rick Rushing III8 p.m.JJ's Bohemia231 E. MLK Blvd.jjsbohemia.comOpen Mic with Mark Andrew

9 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.com

FRIDAY11.27

Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats5 p.m.Chattanooga Choo Choo1400 Market St.choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.El Meson2204 Hamilton Place Blvd.elmesonrestaurant.comStarbucks Music Weekends: Mark Merriman5:30 p.m. Rock City1400 Patten Rd.

seerockcity.comJuke Joint Sessions6 p.m.Memo Grill430 E. MLK Blvd.(423) 267-7283 Binji Varsossa6 p.m.Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461John Lathim & Co6:30 p.m. Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comTim Lewis7 p.m.

El Meson248 Northgate Parkelmesonchattanooga.comToneharm 10th Anniversary7:30 p.m.Revelry Room41 E. 14th St.revelryroom.coThrottle 218 p.m.Phibb’s Bar and Grill96 Fieldstone Village Dr.Rock Spring, Ga.(706) 375-5400The Road Runners8 p.m.Mayo’s3820 Brainerd Rd.(423) 624-0034Collective Soul8 p.m.Track 291400 Market St.track29.co

Dr. Vibe8 p.m.Wheelie’s Bar and Grill742 Ashland Terrace(423) 710-8739Logan Murrell8:30 p.m.The Foundry1201 Broad St.chattanooganhotel.com Mark Kelly Hall & Courtney Holder9 p.m.Puckett’s Chattanooga2 W. Aquarium Way #110puckettsgro.com/chattanoogaAmerican Watermelon9 p.m.Clyde’s on Main122 W. Main St.clydesonmain.comWebb Barringer9 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.comChillhowie Royal, Iron Chief10 p.m.JJ’s Bohemia231 E. MLK Blvd.jjsbohemia.com

SATURDAY11.28 Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats5 p.m.Chattanooga Choo Choo1400 Market St.choochoo.comEddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.El Meson

PULSE PICK: ROGER ALAN WADERoger has penned songs for country legends such as Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, George Jones and the number-one hit "Country State of Mind" for Hank Williams Jr.

Roger Alan WadeSaturday, 8 p.m.Puckett’s Chattanooga2 W. Aquarium Way #110puckettsgro.com


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2204 Hamilton Place Blvd.elmesonrestaurant.comStarbucks Music Weekends: Mark Merriman5:30 p.m. Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comBinji Varsossa6 p.m.Cancun Mexican Restaurant & Lounge1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461Sweet Georgia Sound6:30 p.m. Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comTim Lewis7 p.m.El Meson248 Northgate Parkelmesonchattanooga.comJimmy Harris7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comRoger Alan Wade8 p.m.Puckett’s Chattanooga2 W. Aquarium Way #110puckettsgro.com/chattanoogaKapo8 p.m.Phibb’s Bar and Grill96 Fieldstone Village Dr.Rock Spring, Ga.(706) 375-5400Roger “Hurricane” Wilson8 p.m.Charles and Myrtle’s Coffehouse105 McBrien Rd.

christunity.org Robert Lee8 p.m.Wheelie’s Bar and Grill742 Ashland Terrace(423) 710-8739Logan Murrell8:30 p.m.The Foundry1201 Broad St.chattanooganhotel.com The Breakfast Club10 p.m.Revelry Room41 E. 14th St.revelryroom.coGenki Genki Panic, Generator Earth10 p.m.JJ’s Bohemia231 E. MLK Blvd.jjsbohemia.comIrenka *10 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.com

SUNDAY11.29 Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m.Long Haul Saloon2536 Cummings Hwy.(423) 822-9775Tuba Christmas6:30 p.m. Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comRock the Mic Sunday8 p.m.Revelry Room

41 E. 14th St.revelryroom.co

MONDAY11.30 Monday Nite Big Band7 p.m.The Coconut Room6925 Shallowford Rd.thepalmsathamilton.comLafayette High School Chorus6:30 p.m. Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comVery Open Mic8 p.m.The Well1800 Rossville Blvd. #8wellonthesouthside.com

TUESDAY12.1 Bill McCallie & In Cahoots6:30 p.m.Southern Belle Riverboat201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.comSouth Pittsburg Elementary School Chorus6:30 p.m.Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comAcoustic Christmas featuring Frankie Ballard7 p.m.Track 291400 Market St.track29.coDade County Middle & High School Chorus

7:15 p.m.Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comOpen Mic with Mike McDade8 p.m.Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

WEDNESDAY12.2 Eddie Pontiac5:30 p.m.El Meson248 Northgate Parkelmesonrestaurant.comThe Other Guys 6 p.m. SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. (423) 834-9300Cleveland High School Women’s Choir6:30 p.m.Rock City1400 Patten Rd.seerockcity.comWednesday Night Jazz8 p.m.Barking Legs Theater1307 Dodds Ave.barkinglegs.orgBlues Night 8 p.m.The Office @ City Cafe901 Carter St.citycafemenu.com

Map these locations on chatta-noogapulse.com. Send event list-ings at least 10 days in advance to: [email protected]

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Thursday, November 26: 9pmOpen Mic with Mark AndrewFriday, November 27: 9pm

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Server/Hotel Appreciation Night$5 Pitchers • $2 Wells ! • $1.50 Domestics

Wednesday, December 2, 8pmBlues Night

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It takes ambition to challenge the

status quo, but that’s not enough. Having the ability to follow through is the important next step. This came to mind when listening to the exhilarating new album from the Asheville, N.C. guitar and drums duo Ahleuchatistas, Arrebato.

It’s one thing to dream up this kind of mu-sic, that’s bursting with ideas and delicious complexity; it’s another thing to actually have the chops and sense of nuance to pull it off, matching ambition with technical ability in an expansive rock context.

Formerly a power trio, group founder and guitarist Shane Parish (previously known as Shane Perlowin) teamed up with drummer Ryan Oslance around five years ago for the lat-est incarnation of the group. In recent years, Parish has been using live loops—perhaps coming partially from a desire to bolster the group’s sound after a decrease in band size—which has seemingly opened him up to more sonically imaginative compositions; Parish also uses more diverse guitar timbres, going further than his typical sharp guitar sound from years before.

The opener “Sundowning” is a complicated affair, with an album’s worth of twists and turns crammed into a single song, beginning with a ringing guitar looped pattern and Oslance’s busy, chiseled intensity. Parish’s needle-prick melodies lead to smooth, shaped timbres and a maelstrom cacophony with explosions of drum flurries; a dramatic tremolo guitar effect then turns the song into a helicopter landing in a war zone.

“Power With” is another highlight, with a mounting section that resembles a jet taking off and Parish using a harmonizer to duplicate notes, like a puppet master controlling a small robot guitar army. “Shelter In Place” shifts dramatically between an acoustic guitar and a damaged, distorted guitar, and Oslance shows off his prowess with fast bass drum action, usu-ally only heard in speed metal songs; the track is a tangled tapestry, at one moment featuring nosediving notes before offering bursts of near white noise that retreat, revealing a bare strum in the distance.

Arrebato is the sound of two musicians push-ing themselves and each other, with an under-standing of their own abilities and talents and taking them to dizzying heights.

It is about damn time.

Finally, Deer-hoof delivers a proper live re-lease (not count-ing the digital Bibidi Babidi Boo or the Live Session EP) that documents just how insanely in-tense the group’s live shows can be.

Recording studio Deerhoof and live per-formance Deerhoof are different beasts, and although this writer disagrees with those who underrate and overlook the recent studio albums (they all have mer-it—seriously), he does acknowledge that seeing Deerhoof live is the best way to ex-perience the group.

Fever 121614 features recordings from a live show in Tokyo last December, and it favors material from the last ten years of the group, including last year’s La Isla Bonita. Actually, the live versions of that album’s tracks are superior to the studio versions and have increased this writer’s appreciation of those songs.

Like Hello Kitty fronting the Who, sing-er/bassist Satomi Matsuzaki provides the band’s overt playfulness—jumping around onstage like an aerobics instructor—while monster guitarists John Dieterich and Ed Rodriguez (each heard in a different ste-reo channel) and drummer Greg Saunier explode together.

However, the true star of Deerhoof’s live shows is original member Saunier, who uses a bare bones drum kit and beats the living shit out of it, wasting no opportunity to unload swift and powerful fills at every moment without a shred of restraint.

The album never lets up with its super-charged approach, although “Buck and Judy” temporarily slows the album’s pace halfway through; stompers like “We Do Parties” and “Fresh Born” steamroll by with vigor, and when “Doom” cranks up to full power, it’s impossible to stay still.

One cover is included—a screaming ver-sion of the instrumental “Let’s Dance the Jet” composed by Mikis Theodorakis for the film The Day the Fish Came Out—and the album ends with the band’s favor-ite for closing sets, “Come See the Duck,” using a little audience participation and smashing together cuteness with volatile, focused rock that only seems unhinged.

RECORD REVIEWS ERNIE PAIK

AhleuchatistasArrebato(International Anthem)

DeerhoofFever 121614(Polyvinyl)

305 West Seventh at Pine Street Downtown Chattanooga

423-266-8195 — www.stpaulschatt.org

Renowned for their unearthly vocal blend and virtuosic ensemble singing, the four women of Anonymous 4 combine historical scholarship with contemporary performance to create their magical sound. Tickets available on St. Paul’s website or by calling our box office: $50 reserved seating; $25 general admission ($30 at the door); $10 students ($15 at the door).

Farewell Tour: The Last NoËl

Tuesday, December 8 at 7:30 p.m.

ANONYMOUS 4

Music at St. Paul’s Church305 West Seventh at Pine Street

Downtown Chattanooga423-266-8195 — www.stpaulschatt.org

For the first time in Chattanooga, the acclaimed vocal ensemble Anonymous 4 performs The Last Noël — featuring a cappella Christmas music from medieval England to Colonial America. Hailed for their unearthly vocal blend and virtuosic ensemble singing, Anonymous 4 has performed for sold-out audiences around the world. Tickets: $50 reserved seating; $25 general admission ($30 at the door); $10 students ($15 at the door).

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8 AT 7:30 P.M.

C E L E B R A T EChristmas WITH ANONYMOUS 4

Music at St. Paul’s Church305 West Seventh at Pine Street | Downtown Chattanooga

423-266-8195 | www.stpaulschatt.org

For the first time in Chattanooga, the acclaimed vocal ensemble Anonymous 4 performs The Last Noël — featuring a cappella Christmas music from me-dieval England to Colonial America. Hailed for their unearthly vocal blend and virtuosic ensemble singing, Anonymous 4 has performed for sold-out audi-ences around the world. Tickets: $50 reserved seating; $25 general admission ($30 at the door); $10 students ($15 at the door).

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8 AT 7:30 P.M.

Christmas WITH ANONYMOUS 4

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The only thing I like more than Thanksgiv-ing, is the day after Thanks-giving. The Fri-day after Amer-ica unhinges its collective jaw

and swallows 45 million turkeys whole is a day of reflection and reckoning. While alkaline-tide-suffering gluttons awake to such burning questions as, “Did I really eat an entire green bean casserole?” “Why is my brother-in-law in the bathroom crying?” and “How did all this stuffing get into my pants pockets?” someone has to answer the far more important and pressing ques-tion: “What in the hell are we going to do with all these leftovers?”

As problems go, what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers is in the same league as having too many orgasms. Don’t look at it as a problem; it’s more of an opportunity. You’re starting with Thanksgiving leftovers, for heaven’s sake—that almost guarantees you’re going to end up with something toe-curlingly delicious.

The real issue at stake, however, is how to effectively extract the last drops of flavor out of every remaining morsel. How can you ensure that those foil-wrapped treasures, those precious Thanksgiving riches somehow saved from the marauding hoards of all-but-forgotten relatives are plundered for whatever remaining pleasure resides in their carbohydrate-rich strata? That is the joyous dilemma that the fourth Fri-day of every November poses and why I love it so.

There are more uses for Thanks-giving leftovers than this page could possibly contain, so I have narrowed it

down to my single, favorite repurposing of those traditional holiday dishes—the Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. Don’t you roll your cynical “I’ve heard it all before” eyes at me. The Thanks-giving leftover sandwich is a goldurned American classic and I’ll not have you or the writers of “Friends” (“moist maker” my ass) demeaning this icon of American ingenuity in the kitchen. If more people were making this para-gon of the sandwich arts the way God intended, I wouldn’t have to write this article. So let’s focus and talk about the right way to make this divine dish that springs forth from Thanksgiving’s bountiful loins.

Note: If you do not have access to enough Turkey Day remnants to recy-cle into the following sandwich, sneak into someone’s house who did not fail at Thanksgiving’s prime directive and while they are cheating death in the apocalyptic running of the bulls we aptly refer to as “Black Friday,” steal enough of their leftovers to complete the task. Don’t be concerned about getting caught. We’re in the South. No judge will ever convict you.

The Sandwich This is ‘Murica and Jesus gave you

the freedom to make your sandwich

any darned way you please. You also have the freedom to mix Skittles into your mashed potatoes but that doesn’t make it right. Some people believe just drizzling a little gravy over a few chunks of leftover turkey that’s been layered between two slices of cranber-ry-sauce-brushed bread constitutes a Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. These people have been watching too much “Barefoot Contessa.” Prepar-ing and eating a proper Thanksgiving leftover sandwich should look like a

runaway episode of “Epic Meal Time,” starring Lipitor and gravy.

First, grab three slices of your favor-ite bread. It doesn’t have to be special Thanksgiving pumpkin spice chai latte bread. Plain sandwich bread is not only sufficient, it is preferred.

Next, pile on a generous portion of sliced, leftover turkey. Follow that with a handful of stuffing and continue to layer handfuls of every non-dessert item you have salvaged from your Thanksgiving feast onto this sandwich. Mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac-aroni and cheese, cranberry sauce—pile all of it on like your own little T-Day art project. If you are so inclined, place a piece of bread in the middle of the tower of carb power for stability. You may soak this centerpiece of bread in gravy for added moisture, but at no point should you raise the specter of a certain sitcom starring Joanna from “Office Space” or Angelina Jolie will show up and cut you. Seriously, she will cut you.

The sandwich should have a liberal amount of gravy poured over the in-gredients before topping this absurd amount of food with one final slice of bread. Give it a good press downward in one last, failing bid to stabilize the mammoth before you attempt to pick it up and experience the foodgasms to come with each bite.

Should you heat any of these ingre-dients before assembling the sand-wich? It’s up to you. Just don’t heat up the cranberry sauce. If you heat up the cranberry sauce…well, just don’t.

That’s it. Now go eat!

Longtime food writer and professional chef Mike McJunkin is a native Chattanoogan who has trained chefs, owned and operated restau-rants. Join him on Facebook at facebook.com/SushiAndBiscuits

COLUMNSUSHI & BISCUITS

Ultimate Leftovers Sandwich To The Stars

MIKE MCJUNKIN

Chef Mike proclaims the day after T-Day to be a cuisine classic

“If you do not have access to enough Turkey Day remnants to recycle into the following sandwich, sneak into someone’s house and steal enough of their leftovers to complete the task.”


ScreenJOHN DEVORE

Too often, the bystanders are brushed to the side and forgotten. Sometimes, people need heroes that aren’t gods. Jessica Jones is one such hero.”

“

ONE OF THE MORE INTERESTING PARTS OF THE ever-expanding Marvel Universe is the distance between the

characters. While Tony Stark sits atop an ivory tower of inherited wealth and prestige, claiming to have “successfully privatized world peace,” a blind lawyer dons a black mask to beats up thugs involved in organized crime.

While Thor rules the realms of As-gard with a mystical silver hammer, an unbreakable man tends bar in Hell’s Kitchen. And while elsewhere in the gal-axy a man abducted by aliens enjoys wild adventures with a sentient, dancing tree, a woman who is more powerful than a lo-comotive, who is able to leap tall build-ings in a single bound, ekes out a shat-tered existence as a shifty private eye.

“Jessica Jones,” Marvel’s most recent Netflix series toying with reality-based super heroes, is an altogether different look at the superhero genre.

The series begins far from the Aveng-ers compound, down on the dirty streets of Hell’s Kitchen. This is a world with-out star-spangled underwear, where people are still recovering from “the in-cident,” otherwise known as 2012’s “The Avengers.” Three years later, New York is still reeling.

As we saw in 2014’s “Daredevil” se-ries, the world’s most powerful heroes have changed the world, leaving ruin and paranoia in its wake. Each film builds on the last, each one setting up what’s to come in the future. Shows like “Dare-devil” and “Jessica Jones” aren’t meant to tell this story, however. They tell the stories of the underclasses, of those af-fected the most by these superheroics. It’s a refreshing look at the stories. Too

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The Good DinosaurPixar's latest animated feature film is an epic journey into an alternate world of dinosaurs (who avoided extinction)where an Apatosaurus named Arlo makes an unlikely human friend. Director: Peter Sohn Stars: Jeffrey Wright, Maleah Nipay-Pa-dilla, Frances McDormand, Ryan Teeple

CreedThe former World Heavyweight Cham-pion Rocky Balboa serves as a trainer and mentor to Adonis Johnson, the son of his late friend and former rival Apollo Creed. Director: Ryan Coogler Stars: Michael B. Jordan, Sylvester Stal-lone, Tessa Thompson, Phylicia Rashad

Time For A (Roman) HolidayRomantic comedy classic is back on the big screen

With the exception of 1995’s “Home For The Holidays” starring Holly Hunter, Anne Bancroft and Robert Downey, Jr., there aren’t a lot of Thanksgiving-themed movies to choose from this week.

However, when choosing what to see on the big screen, one can do a lot worse than to sit back and enjoy one of the great romantic comedies from the 1950s: the Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn classic “Ro-man Holiday.”

Hepburn, at her transcendent best, portrays a sheltered princess

who falls for an American newsman in Rome.

Better yet, you’ll have two chances to see what made both Hepburn and Peck true movie stars, with screen-ings on both Sunday and Tuesday. A perfect post-holiday treat.

Roman HolidaySunday, 2 p.m. Tuesday, 7 p.m.Carmike East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace (423) 855-9652carmike.com/events

Shifty Private Eye—Who’s Also A SuperheroNetflix’s “Jessica Jones” combines and expands genres across Marvel's universe


often, the bystanders are brushed to the side and forgotten. Sometimes, people need heroes that aren’t gods. Jessica Jones is one such hero.

A common complaint about the su-perhero world is the lack of women characters. For reasons known only to studio executives, a story about talking raccoons is more relatable than a story about a woman with superpowers.

Even among the Avengers, Marvel’s Elite Team of Superheroes, Black Widow fails to get her own film. “Jes-sica Jones” doesn’t necessarily solve that problem. A Netflix show is not the same as a major motion picture, but it’s at least a step in the right di-rection. And Jones (Krystan Ritter) as an independent hero works well enough—the writing on the show is excellent and the story is compelling and well executed.

Still, when the first female superhe-ro to get her series spends the majority of the season dealing with the after-effects of being controlled by a man, you have to wonder at what point will women not be portrayed as victims in Hollywood.

To be fair, Jones is less of a victim than many female characters. She frees herself from her captor and works to end his reign of terror, doing so as self-destructively as any hard-boiled male detective would. But the point remains: The subtext of “Jessica Jones” is an escape from a controlling,

dangerous relationship.The man in question, Kilgrave (Da-

vid Tennant) is a powerfully manipu-lative psychopath, capable of compel-ling anyone, even entire restaurants full of people, to do exactly as he commands. His mind powers are so considerable that he can even force his victims to murder others or com-mit suicide. As a villain, Kilgrave is far more fearsome than his “Daredevil” counterpart Wilson Fisk.

Fisk is at his core a brutal monster, but he is still just a human, albeit one with wealth and an army of well-paid henchmen. Kilgrave’s powers make him altogether more dangerous, even to the most powerful Marvel heroes. Pitting him against Jessica Jones is a smart move, one that makes the series a strong entry into the darker, grittier side of the Marvel Universe.

What makes shows like “Daredevil” and “Jessica Jones” is the commit-ment to real world consequences. There are no lofty notions of world saving here. Jones can only save inno-cents she comes across, none of which are quite as innocent as she hopes. No one ever is, it seems.

Instead, Jessica Jones is shoveling sand back into an ocean of bad inten-tions, hoping to make a difference to a single grain. She leaves the world in the unsteady hands of Marvel’s cho-sen elite and tries to make the best of the havoc they wreak.


When I think of Thanksgiving, I’m transported back to my parents’ house, with the smell of my mom’s cooking wafting into the living room where my dad and I sit anxiously waiting for the call to the table.

As a kid, everything was deli-cious—because I didn’t have to make it. As an adult, I’m ready to get my hands all up in that turkey so I can try out these Thanksgiving staples infused with just a bit of liquid luck.

Everyone thinks they’re experts when it comes to brining a turkey around the holidays, but what about

beer-brined turkey? The traditional salt-and-water brining technique is intended to moisten the meat of the bird, but here in the South, we like to moisten the meat of that bird with a can or two of beer.

On second thought, make it a gal-lon.

Soak your turkey for two days prior to Thanksgiving in a combination of water, savories like thyme and garlic cloves, and—yes, I was serious—a gallon of beer, to achieve beer-brined perfection.

If your bird is 16-20 pounds, toss

him in the oven for three-and-a-half hours at 350°F. He’s ready for reaping once he reaches 165°F, and what bet-ter way to top off an alcohol-infused turkey than with a deliciously smoky bourbon honey glaze? Put the glaze together with just bourbon, butter, honey, salt, and pumpkin pie spice. Brush it over the body and garnish with orange slices for a spicy bour-bon kick to your beer-brined birdy.

Continuing with the “adult” dish-

es, we return to our spicy friend for bourbon-infused orange cranberry sauce. A perfect side dish to com-plement the bourbon honey turkey glaze, this cranberry sauce will be one people actually eat.

Out-of-the-can cranberry sauce lingers on the table, untouched as everyone f ills their plates with po-tatoes, stuff ing, and other more appetizing items. Pour in a dash of bourbon and Cointreau on your fresh cranberries to make an irresistibly sweet sauce that everyone will want for their leftovers.

When we’ve all eaten to the point that we’ve begun unbuttoning our pants, it’s time for the favorite, and f inal course: dessert. It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie, and it wouldn’t be alcohol-infused Thanksgiving without a little rum.

Call it a Thanksgiving staple, a tradition, whatever you want, pump-kin pie deserves the spotlight and with a little rum and molasses it’s a sweet treat to wrap up the gorging.

Enjoy pie with a dollop of rum-in-fused whipped cream, easily created with just cold heavy cream, sugar, vanilla extract, and dark rum. Then, wash it all down with a cup of cof-fee infused with a little Bailey’s if you’re still up for it.

Kick up your feet, sit back next to the f ire, and just be thankful you don’t have to drive home.

— Brooke Dorn

FOOD & DRINKMIXOLOGY

Give Thanks For Flavor InfusionUpping the ante on Thanksgiving dishes

“Call it a Thanksgiving staple, a tradition, whatever you want, pumpkin pie deserves the spotlight and with a little rum and molasses it’s a sweet treat to wrap up the gorging.”

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Copyright © 2015 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0755

ACROSS1 Watch chains5 “I Love a Rainy Night” country singer Eddie12 ___ deferens15 Farmer’s measurement16 Team with the football17 “Bravo, bullfighter!”18 Flour sorters that form patterns?20 Pack member, for short?21 This evening, in ads22 “___ me, that’s who!”23 Go over some lines?25 “Well, lah-di-___!”26 “LOSER KEEPS ___” (billboard seen before the U.S.-Canada gold medal hockey game of 2014)27 Particle in a charged state29 I, in Munich32 Borneo ape, for short34 Motors that are better suited for flour mills?40 Test giver’s call41 Dormant42 Kunis of

“Black Swan”43 Giant bodies of flour and water that won’t rise?46 Marshmallow holiday candies47 “I don’t wanna know about your infection” initials48 Elly May Clampett’s pa49 Check to make sure52 Annual MTV bestowal54 “Help!” actor Ringo55 Turntablists, familiarly58 Bout before the main event61 Dye holder62 The next batch of flour being from the same common grain as the last?65 Cherry discard66 “Wait, let me wash up first!”67 Rain hard?68 Like some winks and grins69 Like some poker games70 Naysayer’s view

DOWN1 Hard to catch2 Cuatro plus cuatro3 Staples or Hooters, e.g.4 Antique photo tone5 One of the “Golden Girls”6 Movie buff’s org.7 Lifelong pals, less formally8 ___ noire (bane)9 Gospel singer Andrews10 Co. that introduced Dungeons & Dragons11 Mic check word12 Some English homework, casually13 Writer Munro14 “Against the Wind” singer Bob19 Principle of good conduct24 Current government26 Paperback publisher named for a small fowl27 “It ___ laugh”28 Psych suffix30 Pursued31 Approach for money32 Pitcher Hershiser

33 Stopwatch button35 “(Don’t Fear) The ___” (1976 Blue Oyster Cult hit)36 White-tailed coastal birds37 Stealthy-sounding (but subpar) subprime mortgage offering38 “Waiting For the Robert ___”39 Anti-DUI gp.44 Top-five finish, perhaps, to an optimist45 Joie de ___49 Invitation replies50 Net business, as seen in crosswords but not in real life51 Ramshackle53 “A.I.” humanoid55 Cope56 Actress Gertz of “The Neighbors”57 Cherry discard58 “Ahem” relative59 “Down ___” (Nine Inch Nails song)60 1551, to ancient Romans63 Insurance option that requires referrals64 “___ said before ...”

Jonesin’ Crossword MATT JONES

“Flour Power”—bake it a good one.

Free Will Astrology ROB BREZSNY

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): From the dawn of civilization un-til 1995, humans cataloged about 900 comets in our solar system. But since then, we have expanded that tally by over 3,000. Most of the recent discoveries have been made not by professional astrono-mers, but by laypersons, includ-ing two 13-year-olds. They have used the Internet to access images from the SOHO satellite placed in orbit by NASA and the European Space Agency. After analyzing the astrological omens, I expect you Sagittarians to enjoy a similar run of amateur success. So trust your rookie instincts. Feed your innocent curiosity. Ride your raw enthusiasm.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Whether or not you are literally a student enrolled in school, I sus-pect you will soon be given a fi-nal exam. It may not happen in a classroom or require you to write responses to questions. The exam will more likely be administered by life in the course of your daily challenges. The material you’ll be tested on will mostly include the lessons you have been studying since your last birthday. But there will also be at least one section that deals with a subject you’ve been wrestling with since early in your life—and maybe even a riddle from before you were born. Since you have free will, Capricorn, you can refuse to take the exam. But I hope you won’t. The more enthusiastic you are about accept-ing its challenge, the more likely it is that you’ll do well.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): For $70,000 per night, you can rent the entire country of Liechten-stein for your big party. The price includes the right to rename the streets while you’re there. You can also create a temporary currency with a likeness of you on the bills, have a giant rendition of your fa-vorite image carved into the snow on a mountainside, and preside over a festive medieval-style pa-rade. Given your current astrologi-cal omens, I suggest you consider the possibility. If that’s too extrava-gant, I hope you will at least gather your legion of best friends for the Blowout Bash of the Decade. It’s time, in my opinion, to explore the mysteries of vivid and vigorous conviviality.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Are you available to benefit from a thunderbolt healing? Would you consider wading into a maelstrom if you knew it was a breakthrough in disguise? Do you have enough faith to harvest an epiphany that begins as an uproar? Weirdly lucky phenomena like these are on tap if you have the courage to ask for overdue transformations. Your blind spots and sore places are be-ing targeted by life’s fierce tender-ness. All you have to do is say, “Yes, I’m ready.”

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “We are torn between nostalgia for the fa-miliar and an urge for the foreign and strange,” wrote novelist Car-son McCullers. “As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.” I’m guess-ing that these days you’re feeling that kind of homesickness, Aries. The people and places that usually comfort you don’t have their cus-tomary power. The experiences you typically seek out to strength-en your stability just aren’t having that effect. The proper response, in my opinion, is to go in quest of exotic and experimental stimuli. In ways you may not yet be able to imagine, they can provide the grounding you need. They will steady your nerves and bolster your courage.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The Pe-kingese is a breed of dog that has been around for over 2,000 years. In ancient China, it was beloved by Buddhist monks and emperors’ families. Here’s the legend of its origin: A tiny marmoset and huge lion fell in love with each other, but the contrast in their sizes made union impossible. Then the gods intervened, using magic to make them the same size. Out of the creatures’ consummated pas-sion, the first Pekingese was born. I think this myth can serve as inspi-ration for you, Taurus. Amazingly, you may soon find a way to blend and even synergize two elements that are ostensibly quite different. Who knows? You may even get some divine help.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Author Virginia Woolf wrote this message to a dear ally: “I sincerely hope I’ll never fathom you. You’re mysti-cal, serene, intriguing; you enclose such charm within you. The luster of your presence bewitches me . . . the whole thing is splendid and voluptuous and absurd.” I hope you will have good reason to whis-per sweet things like that in the coming weeks, Gemini. You’re in the Season of Togetherness, which is a favorable time to seek and cul-tivate interesting kinds of intima-cy. If there is no one to whom you can sincerely deliver a memo like Woolf’s, search for such a person.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Some people are so attached to wear-ing a favorite ring on one of their fingers that they never take it off. They love the beauty and endear-ment it evokes. In rare cases, years go by and their ring finger grows thicker. Blood flow is constricted. Discomfort sets in. And they can’t remove their precious jewelry with the lubrication provided by a little olive oil or soap and water. They need the assistance of a jew-eler who uses a small saw and a protective sheath to cut away the ring. I suspect this may be an apt metaphor for a certain situation in your life, Cancerian. Is it? Do you wonder if you should free yourself

from a pretty or sentimental con-striction that you have outgrown? If so, get help.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Most hu-man beings have an almost infi-nite capacity for taking things for granted,” wrote Leo author Aldous Huxley. That’s the bad news. The good news is that in the coming weeks you are less likely to take things for granted than you have been in a long time. Happily, it’s not because your familiar plea-sures and sources of stability are in jeopardy. Rather, it’s because you have become more deeply connected to the core of your life energy. You have a vivid apprecia-tion of what sustains you. Your as-signment: Be alert for the eternal as it wells up out of the mundane.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In their quest to collect nectar, honeybees are attuned to the importance of proper timing. Even if flowering plants are abundant, the quality and quantity of the nectar that’s available vary with the weather, season, and hour of the day. For example, dandelions may of-fer their peak blessings at 9 a.m., cornflowers in late morning, and clover in mid-afternoon. I urge you to be equally sensitive to the sources where you can obtain nourishment, Virgo. Arrange your schedule so you consistently seek to gather what you need at the right time and place.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Are you willing to dedicate yourself fully to a game whose rules are constantly mutating? Are you resourceful enough to keep play-ing at a high level even if some of the other players don’t have as much integrity and commitment as you? Do you have confidence in your ability to detect and adjust to ever-shifting alliances? Will the game still engage your interest if you discover that the rewards are different from what you thought they were? If you can answer yes to these questions, by all means jump all the way into the compli-cated fun!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I sus-pect your body has been unusu-ally healthy and vigorous lately. Is that true? If so, figure out why. Have you been taking better care of yourself? Have there been lucky accidents or serendipitous innova-tions on which you’ve been capi-talizing? Make these new trends a permanent part of your routine. Now I’ll make a similar observation about your psychological well-being. It also seems to have been extra strong recently. Why? Has your attitude improved in such a way as to generate more positive emotions? Have there been fluky breakthroughs that unleashed unexpected surges of hope and good cheer? Make these new trends a permanent part of your routine.


“Oh, come on,” he said with just the hint of a sneer. “You’re more likely to be struck by lightning than to be killed by a terrorist.”

It’s an argument that never gets old. (Well, OK, it does, but smug oversim-plification of things often does, so per-haps I just enjoy its utter predictabil-ity.)

The person saying this is as likely to be wearing overly tight pants and sporting a haircut that cost three of my hourly wages while sipping a cor-porate-branded coffee as they are to be wearing loose and thoroughly stained corduroys with a bird’s nest for a hairdo and sipping an off-brand energy drink while living in their mother’s house at age 45, but they tend to all have one thing in common: They are in no way involved in public safety and have nev-er been tested with a split-second life-and-death decision involving immedi-ate violence.

The irony of the “lightning argu-ment” is that they consider it scien-

tific, and therefore justifying their sup-position. Think about this a moment. You are comparing one criminal act—a subset of a crime, actually (a “terrorist” committing murder is a “hate crime,” a subset of the crime of criminal homi-cide) to “weather.” Apples to apples? Interesting.

For the sake of conversation, though, I’ll give you that one and let you com-pare it to the odds of being killed by a police officer in the United States. (How’s that for subtlety?)

A think tank (aka “blog page”) said that you are in fact “55 times more likely to be killed by police (justified or not) than you are to be killed by a terrorist action.” Again, let us ignore how they arrived at this and just pause to think.

You are comparing one specific sub-set of crime (a homicide designated as a “hate crime”) to “all misdemeanor and felony crimes that precipitate le-thal interactions with police.” Hun-dreds of combinations of crimes that lead to death, and comparing them all in one lump with the one crime that leads to death.

While I myself am a fairly smug per-son who makes it easy to be disliked,

these brothers in audacity are actually just using stacked statistics to make themselves feel intellectually superior, despite the fact they may as well be comparing a terrorist act to the price of lettuce.

In reality? It’s just “denial.” (I’d add the psychoanalytic historical references or perhaps use the word “abnegation” if I wanted to sound just as superior, but I’m not the one deluding myself with preconceived and irrelevant no-tions here. Sad face.)

Some folks would expect me to be annoyed by this, but it would be unfair to be, because I have the unfair advan-tage of dealing with people who are “full of shit” every day on a profession-

al level. These folks are the same ones who tell me how safe my job is because (get ready for it) “statistically speaking, fishermen have a more dangerous job than police officers.” (Audible sigh.)

Fishing: Practically the same as po-lice work, except for the parts where fish aren’t armed with projectile weap-ons while committing criminal acts and cops aren’t hunting wildlife on the ocean. These are industrial acci-dents, literal “accidents” that they are comparing to intentional criminal acts. Hence? “Full of shit.”

The best part though? Using that argument in the city of Chattanooga. You can call him a “homegrown violent extremist” for political purposes, but, sports fans, “lightning” has struck this town, and no one was in that building on July 16 letting him know he was a statistical anomaly, so he needed to stop.

Delude yourself. It’s fun, I don’t blame you and sometimes I imagine what it’s like being a holocaust denier or a 9/11 “truther” for kicks to better gauge those types of mindsets, but when the storm clouds gather and the air starts to charge up and denial gives way to reality despite all your manufac-tured odds? Give me a call. I’ll be there for you.

(Again.)

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrol-ling our fair city on the heels of the criminal ele-ment, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center

COLUMNON THE BEAT

Lightning Strikes Terrorism

ALEX TEACH

Officer Alex lowers the boom on false comparisons

“While I myself am a fairly smug person who makes it easy to be disliked, these brothers in audacity are actually just using stacked statistics.”

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the pulse 12.48 » november 26, 2015

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