The university’s Feral Cat Initiative is supposed to be a program where campus management catches stray cats on campus, neuters or spays them and releas-es them back on campus. However, on Monday two students stumbled on the real motive of the program: replacing all the real feral cats with a kitty robo-cop militia to police students

on campus.Molly Baldwin, fresh-

man family studies ma-jor from Spring, and Janet Studebaker, freshman biol-ogy major from Texarkana, were walking by the Tower of Light at the Beauchamp Amphitheater and heard a strange meowing.

“It sounded metallic, almost not real,” Baldwin said.

Then they noticed the door to the tower was slightly ajar.

“We’d always been told

students weren’t allowed in the tower,” Studebaker said. “Now we know why.”

The women slowly opened the door to find almost three dozen cat-like robots staring at

them. The small metal ro-bots looked like the new athletics logo.

The freshmen thought the robots were cute, so they each grabbed one to hide in their dorm room. After sneaking them into their room, the students soon learned the purpose of these robots.

“The cats looked around the room, opened their mouths and started screaming really loud, like

Abilene Christian University

ViolencePage 13

Under New ManagementOptimist staff rebels against editor, publication’s direction uncertain

jimmy ellisonacu police chief

They’ll also serve as moral police to keep students in line with

ACU’s mission.”“Robotic militia replaces feral cats

man vs. technology

mandy lambright photo hog

A stray robo-logo snarls at ACU students from behind its mask. The cat-robots were programmed to police student conduct on campus

and designed to look like the new ACU athletics logo.

see robots page 11

Moody bat bites student

After months of scoping Moody Chapel crowds, the Chapel-interrupting bat found love at first bite. Monday’s Chapel conclud-ed with the bat’s nosedive into section A, causing a stir as students trampled each other to go stand in large circles in front of the exits. No students were im-mediately seen to be bit-ten, but later one sopho-more has confirmed ACU will soon boast of its own Edward Cullen, especially since the bite occurred in

the building next to Cullen Auditorium.

The student has asked to keep her identity anony-mous, but symptoms have revealed the revamping of said student-to-vampire. To keep with ACU’s mission of cultural diversity, the university has expressed its wish for the student to re-main on campus, but have vowed to withhold the in-dividual’s name. However, President Schubert has warned students to keep a distance from classmates with these traits and tem-peraments:

man vs. nature

see bite page 11

ROBO-CATS PATROLLING

CAMPUS

Tuition will decrease by $1,760 for ACU undergrads for the first time in the uni-versity’s history.

The 2013-14 academic year tuition will reduce 5.9 percent from $26,770 to $25,010.

The university’s ability to decrease tuition is credited mostly to the success of the new ACU-run salon.

“We knew Pura Vida would be a good business venture, we just didn’t know it was going to be this profit-able,” said Anthony Williams, chief business services of-ficer. “I think our success is partially due to the Bible pro-fessors constantly coming to get pedicures and adminis-trators getting massages.”

Another factor that con-tributed to the decrease in the tuition was a change in the Mobile Learning Initiative.

“We’ve decided to finally make the switch from Apple iPhones and iPads to actual apples,” said Bill Rankin, director of Educational In-novation. “We just looked at the core of the matter and decided to bite into it. Ap-ples will create new healthy possibilities that could provide a more nutritional learning environment.”

Students will also be giv-en an even greater decrease in tuition if they get engaged or married during the se-mester.

“We’ve noticed a grow-ing lack of disinterest in the student body to get their ring by spring,” said Kevin Campbell, chief enrollment officer. “We hope to change this by giving students a re-newed incentive to get mar-ried. Hopefully if they like it they will put a ring on it.”

Students have voiced other speculation as to why the university was able to lower tuition.

“I think people are pay-ing ACU to have raves in the library after midnight,” said sophomore David Lezows-ki. “No wonder they kick all the students out of the library so early.”

Lezowski said pumping rave music out of the speak-ers at loud volumes would also offer a good explanation for why the library speakers are such bad quality.

ACU to reduce tuition

university

marissa jonesbenedict arnold

thepessimistblog.wordpress.com

Want a regularly updated pessimistic blog? Look no further:

INSIDE

pessimist.com

Chapel series to be 30th annual series on Sermon on the Mount

Next week’s Pessimist

Page 20

Football team signs Mark Sanchez, only to mock him for ‘butt-fumble’

Provost Rhodes named Rhodes Scholar, then gives confusing speech

Last week’s Pessimist

acupessimist.com

Students who don’t read the ‘Optimist’ begin to mysteriously disappear

Page 1

ONLINE

flickr.com/acupessimist

We’ve decided to only publish pictures of us

Somewhere inside

Feral Cat Initiative accidentally catches feral kids, not cats

Page 0

The Editorial Board writes an opinion no one else agrees with

ACUPD catches Swiper Sniper: it was Mark Lewis

Basketball team wins next year’s March Madness

OPINION

NEWS

VIDEO

PHOTOS

BLOGS

NEWS

NEWS

SPORTS

SPORTS

NEWS

acupessimist.com

JMC professor Pybus creates ‘Papybus’ typeface

NEWS

mark smithdictator

A direct relationship be-tween the number of dances on ACU’s cam-pus and the frequency of public displays of affec-tion on campus has en-couraged administration to reinstate the strict “no dancing” policy that had been in place for the uni-versity’s entire existence, with the past year as the exception.

“It’s to see all this PDA,” said Dr. Jan Meyer, interim dean of students and vice

president for Student Life. “It certainly existed before the dancing, but it’s out of control now.”

Kissing couples can be seen during most Chapel services, in the main hall-way of the Biblical Studies Building and just about everywhere else on cam-pus.

“It’s like they want to rub it in that they’re in re-lationships,” said Barbara Finley, senior art major from Longview. “We don’t want to see that, ever.”

Finley is single but didn’t think it was a rel-evant detail.

However, students in relationships stand be-hind their right to PDA.

“Where else are we go-ing to do PDA?” said Dan Phillips, freshman mar-keting major from Corpus Christi. “All freshmen are always on campus and we’re not allowed in the other sex’s residence hall expect for five hours on Thursdays. We’re not al-lowed to have private dis-plays of affection, so we have to resort to public.”

Many students are un-happy that dancing is not allowed anymore, even though they didn’t go to

any of the several dances on campus in the past year.

“I wasn’t going to go to one, but I’d like to have the option to,” Phillips said.

Half the students we were able to survey think the policy will hinder their ability to find a significant other at ACU. The other half admitted they’d have no chance with a poten-tial mate if they saw them dance.

‘No dancing’ policy reinstatedrules

mandy lambright captain

The student who was bitten by the bat, who does not want to be

identified, talks to other students on campus.

contact jones atbenedictarnold@acu.edu

mark smithstill a baby face

vol. 101, that’s a lot Wednesday, march 27, 2013 1 SECTION, roughly 4 pages

THE PESSIMIST

gabi powellstill hasn’t texted mark back

Officials to give Jobs honorary doctorate

graduation

mark smithchief

The university will offer an honorary doctorate degree to Steve Jobs at the May com-mencement.

“We wanted to find an ap-propriate way to honor and thank him for everything he’s done for this university,” said Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university. “Where would our students be with-out their iPhones and iPads?”

Jobs’ family has yet to re-spond to the invitation.

don’t contact smith

unless it’s really importantthis was kind of a short story, huh?

Faculty and staff are shocked that students are planning to use university-mandated iPads for social media and games.

Every incoming ACU stu-dent is required to have an iPad for in-class use starting Fall 2013. iPads are meant to enhance the classroom experience through online quizzes and opportunities for student research.

Tim Goggins, professor of finger painting, antici-pates iPads to be helpful in his class.

“I haven’t quite figured out how to make sure the paint stays off the iPads, but the plan is for students to use their works in prog-ress with well known art throughout history,” Gog-gins said.

While professors are looking forward to more class enrichment, students welcome the distraction from boring lectures.

Sally Gillman, fresh-man history major from Longview, is upset that this mandate came after her freshman year.

“ACU should have done this sooner, because I defi-nitely could have won An-

gry Birds by now if I had an iPad all year,” Gillman said.

The discrepancies be-tween faculty and student views on this new technolo-gy will have to be addressed in the upcoming semester.

“My views on the dis-crepancies of technology views is that it’s as if pro-fessors are making us milk-shakes and expecting us not to drink them,” said Mad-eline Smorr, sophomore in-formation technology ma-jor from Anchorage.

27

?? ??

28 29 30Wednesday Day you skip to go home early for easter good Friday another day off from school

11 a.m. Campus cats will protest the Feral Cat Initiative outside the Bean

4 p.m. Second snow-pocalypse will begin. There will be no need to return to campus next week.

3 p.m. Free Lamborghi-nis will be given to all students still on campus

7 p.m. ACU Theatre presents Equus in Cullen Auditorium

12 a.m. Pulp Fiction will be shown in Cullen Auditorium immediately following Equus

6-8 a.m. Fire drill sched-uled for all dorms. Fire alarms set to go off right before residents plan to wake up

12 p.m. Interest meet-ing for Study Abroad program in Antartica

6 p.m. Mumford & Sons will perform in Moody

7 a.m. myACU will be down for the rest of the week. Good luck registering for classes.

1 p.m. Tater tots served in the Bean

All afternoon classes canceled because no one will be left on campus. JK

Police Log

Chapel checkup

@acuPESSIMIST

The hiphoptimist

ploptimist@acu.edu

to

Police Tip of the Week: YOLO

Announcements

Mabee Residence Hall will be closed for the summer and will reopen in the fall as a cat sanctuary. Applications for RA positions for this new dorm are due June 1. RA du-ties will include cleaning lit-ter boxes, feeding the mass-es and excessive petting.

Applications for the summer break campaign to Antarcti-ca are being accepted in the SBC office downstairs in the campus center. Applicants must have a love for Jesus and the ability to express that love to penguins.

Mark Lewis and the Cha-pel office have decided that Chapel is now mandatory. Missing Chapel for any rea-son whatsoever will result in immediate expulsion from Abilene Christian University.

Couples getting engaged and married this spring se-mester will receive tuition refunds up to 50 percent. If you are not currently part of a couple, but would like to take advantage of this money-saving opportunity, Randy Harris is more than willing to set up an arranged marriage for you.

Family Studies majors are now required to take upper-level courses in departments such as Physics and Math so that they will reach a better appre-ciation of their MRS degrees.

Chick-fil-A will begin charg-ing $10 per Chick-fil-A sauce beginning April 20.

Team 55 is hosting a ‘smash party’ of all the broken elec-tronics on campus April 6 on the Hunter Welcome Center lawn. Bring a bat and a lot of bottled-up rage.

Students can now earn 24 hours of credit for being able to recite the entire New Testament from memory. Ten additional hours can be earned by also reciting the Old Testament.

ACU Educational Technol-ogy believes it’s time to go back the basics and will be distributing indestructible Nokia cell phones rather than those iPhones every-body drops.

03/23/13 9:53 a.m. ARREST: ACUPD arrested the statues outside of the Educa-tion Building for being creepy.

03/24/13 11:15 p.m. PROWLER: ACUPD responded to a prowler on campus around Gardner Residence Hall. The prowler was described as being part man and part rat. Pursuit began but the rat-man disappeared into the sewers. Case open.

3/25/13 10:45 a.m. ARREST: ACUPD arrested a pack of tennis balls attacking students walking to Chapel.

3/26/13 3:24 p.m. MISSING BIKE: ACUPD responded to a missing bike report. Case open. Forever.

Police Log

We lost track.

Mark Smith has been incorrectly identified as the Editor in Chief of the Optimist for the entire 2012-2013 school year. The actual Editor in Chief is “Stupid” David Singer.

The Optimist staff would like to apologize for the incorrect Sing Song predictions for this year’s show. Oh wait. We got all nine predictions right.

On Nov. 21, we incorrectly reported SA President Rebecca Dial was trying to take over the Big Purple Band. This did not happen. What we meant to write was that the Trojans will be hosting a bedazzling party in Cullen Auditorium.

In Friday’s issue of the Optimist we published a comma splice typo. Find it.

In an Opinion Page next month, we will inadvertently publish something that will offend someone. We regret the error.

On Feb. 27, we incorrectly reported that Royce and Pam Money were starting a Zumba class in the SRWC every morning. They will actually be teaching yoga.

Corrections

Youth ministry loosens policy on whiskers

The Department of Bible, Missions and Ministry has relaxed requirements for students graduating with degrees in youth and fam-ily ministry – giving stu-dents the option of goatees or soul patches beginning in the fall.

“This is really just a recognition that times are changing, and we need to change with them,” said Dr. Robert Oglesby, direc-tor of ACU’s Center for Youth and Family Ministry.

Until this year, male stu-dents who wanted to work in youth ministry were re-quired to grow soul patch-es by the beginning of their senior year. Those who could not sprout the nec-essary facial hair have been able to petition for a waiver

that usually required them to shave their heads and wear sleeveless sweaters instead.

Goatees were allowed only for those planning to become pulpit ministers at more progressive churches with fancy websites. But Oglesby said many of those old barriers are breaking down within Churches of Christ and without.

The change has been met with some resistance among churches. Art Wil-liams, who at 48 is the old-est youth minister within Churches of Christ, said the change put the univer-sity on a slippery slope.

“It’s just goatees now, but what’s next – hipster handlebar mustaches?” said Williams, youth min-ister at the Object Les-son Church in Fort Worth. “What happens when they quit wearing sandals? Or

stop wearing those skinny jeans? Then how effective will they be?”

But Eric Garvin, junior youth ministry major from Farmers Branch, hailed the change.

“It’s all about the kids,” Garvin said. “Sometimes to really connect with a young person, you need the goa-tee.”

facial hair

katie greeneNobody reads my page anyway

contact greene atgingerhead@acu.edu

Volunteers are needed to ring the bells in the Tower of Light every weekday from 10:50 - 11 a.m. Volunteers must have significant upper body strength and be able to play Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy.”

A former CIA agent needs help finding his daughter who was kidnapped in Paris. Volunteers must have experiance in martial arts and be able to drive like a maniac. Volunteers who are fluent in French and Albanian are preferred. Contact Liam Neeson’s agent for more information.

Volunteers are needed to help set up for the Mumford & Sons concert in Moody Coliseum on Wednesday night. Volunteers will meet in Moody at 3 a.m. and will work until the concert begins. In order to participate, volunteers must undergo a background check and be able to sing all the lyrics from the band’s latest album from memory. Volunteers must restrain themselves from scream-ing, crying and drooling when they see members of the band. To sign up go to www.iwillwaitiwillwaitforyou.com/volunteer

Volunteers are needed to take the One Ring to Mordor. One does not simply walk into Mordor, so volunteers must be pros at sneaking. Volunteers must be willing to fight Orcs, get chased by a giant spider, get attacked by a troll and be pursued by creepy guys in black cloaks on horses. Volunteers will be led by a wizard and accom-panied by men, hobbits, an elf and a dwarf. Contact Elrond for more information.

Volunteers are needed to help tear down Chambers Hall this summer. Volun-teers must own a sledgehammer. Strong people are preferred.

Volunteers are needed to stand by the quote board in the newsroom and write down everything we say. We are hilarious. Students can volunteer in shifts, since we are always here. Good handwriting preferred.

Oplin will be taking volunteer bands to play every Friday until the end of the school year. Country/hip-hop is strongly encouraged.

Res Life is seeking volunteers to replace the noisy fire alarms with strong en-couragement to leave the building because hey, we aren’t all morning people. And an actual fire wouldn’t already encourage us to leave, right?

ACU faculty and staff is seeking volunteers willing to enforce ACU dress code. Water guns will be provided for volunteers to use on violators such as men running shirtless on the Lunsford, women wearing leggings as pants and any person wearing more than one piece of clothing from their social club.

The Abilene Zoo is looking for volunteers to tame the lions using cotton swabs and minnows. Volunteers will have access to the lions at any hour of the day and should be fully assimilated into pride by May 16.

The Drive In Theatre is searching for volunteers to spotlight couples who are making out during movies. This behavior disrupts the family environment. Vol-unteers will receive free movie passes for the entirety of their service, but they can’t switch screens between movies.

In a similar account, ACU is seeking help discouraging couples from making out in the Biblical Studies Building and Chapel. Extra credit for anyone who can stop the PDA by duct taping the two together. See any unhappily single student for direction.

Whataburger is seeking volunteers to dress up as police officers to “keep them hooligans in check.” Hours of availability must be between 9 p.m. and 6 a.m. on Friday and Saturday nights. Free milkshakes will be provided.

The Optimist has a volunteer opportunity for students who read the complete-ly free publication. If you appreciate the work we do, which we don’t charge you for, come up to the newsroom at any time to help us with our homework. Bring food, too. This is not a joke.

The Optimist Editor in Chief is looking for a personal assistant. Duties include bringing food from Chick-fil-A, making trips to United to buy ice, painting portaits of the Editor at work and reenacting scenes from “The Office” after it has gone off the air.

Faculty shocked students use iPads for games, social media

mobile learningDenim Dan

Jeans enthusiast

contact Dan atthe wrangler store

Volunteer Opp0rtunities

eric garvinjunior youth ministry major

from farmers branch

Sometimes to really con-nect with a young person,

you need a goatee.”“

wednesday 03.27.13Gray page

“Then ResLife staff showed up and confiscated them.”

ACU Police Chief Jimmy Ellison explained that the robots, called robo-logos, will serve as supplemental crime watchers and moral police for students. The ro-bots, built by students and faculty in the Department of Engineering and Physics and programmed by stu-dents and faculty from the iSchool, notify police when-ever they see illegal activity happening on campus.

“They’ll also serve as moral police to keep stu-dents in line with ACU’s mis-sion,” Ellison said. “They’ll help to enforce ACU rules, like not letting those stu-dents bring cats into their dorm room. They’ll break up PDA, wash out the mouths of students who say swear words and bite the ankles

of any women wearing leg-gings as pants.”

The university intended to release the robots on Friday during Chapel as a surprise for students, who would leave Moody Coli-seum at 11:30 a.m. to be surprised to see 3-D mod-els of the new logo walking around the mall area.

But since Baldwin and Studebaker discovered them prematurely, the university will dispatch the robots as soon as all the buildings have been kitty-proofed.

The idea to design the robots to look like the new logo came from the athlet-ics department after seeing students’ reaction to the unveiling of the new logo design.

“We thought the Chapel video and celebration last month to announce the new logo were good, but it wasn’t dramatic enough,” said Jar-

ed Mosley, ACU athletic di-rector. “We wanted to really get students excited about the logo, and we also want them to respect it.”

Every student and fac-ulty member in the Depart-ment of Art and Design has already signed a petition to eliminate the robots be-cause the C in “ACU” touch-es the A but not the U.

Campus and Facilities Management refused to say where the real cats were tak-en, but students at Hardin-Simmons University have noticed a large increase in similar cats on their cam-pus.

“The robo-logos catch mice, so we don’t need any real cats on campus ever again,” Ellison said.

more news

-Sparkling skin rivaling that of the spring’s engage-ment rings.

-Avoiding the reflection of the Business Building win-

dows-Volunteering multiple

times at the recent campus blood drive

-Neck band aid “as a re-sult of Thursday night dorm visitation”

-Recent and accidental lip piercings from newly grown canines

In 1978 a similar bat-bit-ing outbreak occurred, end-ing a legal settlement with the naming of Cullen Audi-

torium. The victim of the at-tack has been unable to be reached because of a “con-flicting slumber schedule”.

The most recent victim was interviewed before full traits set in, shedding some

light on the coffin-ridden life.

“All this time, I missed the substance of Twilight. I thought the writing in the book was awful and the act-ing in the movie laughable,”

the student said. “But I get where Edward is coming from now.”

humpday 03.27.13II

Last week, junior jour-nalism major Kris Osbric disappeared. He was last seen turning in a late sto-ry in The Optimist news-room.

Optimist editor in chief Mark Smith said, “He seemed distracted. Kris didn’t come to our Friday meeting, then it was the

weekend. But we didn’t notice he was missing un-til we needed his story for the Wednesday issue.”

Police investigation found no evidence of foul play. Osbric’s apartment seemed to be in order except that he was never seen there again. Rumors of elopement spread soon after this information was released.

Ironically, Osbric’s last story for The Optimist in-

vestigated another disap-pearance from 13 years ago. Jacob Neil, editor in chief of ‘98, disappeared while working on a story about a journalist work-ing on a story about a dis-appeared journalist. Neil’s friends speculated that he eloped.

Osbric was fascinat-ed with the mystery and conducted extensive re-search. Convinced the disappearance could not

be explained with normal conventions, his investi-gation led him to inter-view a Doctor and FBI agent Fox Mulder. The Doctor proved to be un-helpful during the inter-view, avoiding questions and “muttering while wav-ing around a sissy looking flashlight.” Special agent Mulder spent most of the interview talking about his coworker Dana Scully and saying mysterious

things like “the truth is out there.”

Frustrated and well past deadline, Osbric wrote the story with what little information he un-covered. By Thursday night he had

Editor’s Note: Lucius Pat-enaude has not been seen since he attended FilmFest. This story was found on the JMC servers. Special agent Fox Mulder was first to in-vestigate at 3 a.m. Tuesday

morning. ACU police found Mulder at Patenaude’s house with the lights off and a flash-light containing no batteries. The Doctor was outside in-terrogating a squirrel. When asked, he claimed to be “un-tangling a knot in time.” The official statement is that Pat-enaude has eloped.

library

missing persons

lucius patenaudeThe lord of the rings

Pledging just got a lot harder. Student Life has now introduced a new in-novative, exceptional, un-real online pledging op-tion for ACU students.

Want to pledge on your own time? Don’t want to deal with awkward face-to-face interaction? Stu-dents now have that op-tion with virtual pledging.

“We (Student Life) think this is a major up-grade from what we cur-rently have,” said Jan Meyer, interim dean of students and vice presi-dent for Student Life. “Students can now pledge anytime, anywhere and not worry about class hours getting in the way.”

The old system allowed students to pledge every fall semester. Some clubs, like Frats and Delta Theta, would take pledges in the

spring but, overall, choic-es were extremely limited. That is no longer the case.

With virtual pledg-ing, everyone can pledge (except freshmen still of course) the club of their choice at anytime dur-ing the school year. The steps to start the online pledging process are quite simple.

Students need to just visit mypledge.acu.edu and click on the “virtual pledging” link that will

take them to a medical release form. The form lets the participants know that the university isn’t responsible for any car-pal tunnel syndrome that may occur as a result of the grueling activities. All pledges must fill out this form in order to partici-pate.

Once all the paper-work is done, the pledging activities begin. Online pledgers are informed of all the activities ahead of

time so that no curveballs are thrown at them.

Some students aren’t happy with the online pledging initiative.

“This is just stupid,” said senior accounting major Alec Turtlebottom.

Others in Pi Pi Pi Pi Pi love the change.

“I was terrified of the whole pledging process,” said senior education ma-jor Missy Handforfoot. “Online pledging removes all the stress I felt with

regular pledging.”All student opposed to

the online pledging initia-tive are asked to partici-pate in the online forum found at ACU.edu.

A small fee of $1,500 will be placed on all on-line pledges. This money is intended for the new underground football sta-dium project.

edward Isaacsmaster of the universe

contact patenaude ata computer, editing videos

contact smith whenhe’s not watching the office

social clubs

In an effort to cut down on unnecessary spending, ACU has decided to remove printers from the library.

Dr. John Weaver, dean of the library, spearheaded a research team over spring break that would analyze how the current budget could be improved for the spring semester.

“We have determined that printers are a tremen-dous waste of resources,” Weaver said. “Our current initiative to be on the cut-ting edge in the technology world went a bit overboard when we began to supply printers, so we are trying to reign that back in. We have found a more cost effec-tive way to handle all ACU printing needs.”

Instead of printers, Team 55 will be scrapping most of its other duties in order to become full time scribes for the student body.

Instead of selecting a printer, students will choose a scribe in an in-teractive dropdown menu. The students will be able to pick up their paperwork 24

hours after their request is made.

“It is our belief that by removing printers, students will have to adapt to an ev-er-changing world,” Weaver said. “Students will have to use their time-manage-ment skills in order to work with Team 55 and complete their assignments in a time-ly manner.”

Team 55 is concerned about the its ability to handle the workload, and is currently hiring any stu-dent that can write in both cursive and manuscript.

So far, Weaver has re-ceived mixed reviews on the newest ACU initiative, but he believes the ACU community will back the decision once they see how effective it is.

“We believe that this decision is on the cutting edge,” Weaver said. “In a matter of months, I would not be surprised if we saw several other schools around the country moving toward a similar setup and more effectively utilizing their resources.

contact sloan byemail

mandy lambright el jeffe

Team 55 staff members try to keep up with student demand.

Bite: Student turns into vampire; there may be more

Printer loss results in ‘Team Fifty-Scribes’

Student Life introduces online pledging

Journalism students vanish mysteriously

contact isaacs ata rangers game

Robots: Logos replace feralsman vs. technology

contact powell at

man vs. nature

matt sloandoesn’t like news

continued from page 1

continued from page 1

Large drops of water began falling from the sky Monday afternoon, sending students and faculty across campus into a panic.

Local weatherman, Char-lie Storm, said this phenom-enon is called “rain.”

“Basically, rain occurs when droplets of water in the atmosphere become so heavy that gravity pulls them

to the ground,” Storm said. He said in the history of

Abilene there is no record of rain occurring in the city. He attributed this strange event to Global Warming.

Sara-Beth Littleton, fresh-man underwater basket weaving major from Abilene, was walking out of the Cam-pus Center when the rain be-gan.

“The sky was gray, which was kind of weird,” she said. “I looked up and something hit me right in the eye. It was

cold and wet. I gasped, and then another hit me on the head. More and more of these cold, wet things began falling. It was unbelievable.”

Littleton said she was soaked within seconds.

“I felt like I had climbed out of a swimming pool,” she said. “Students were bump-ing into each other and stum-bling everywhere. They were blinded by the falling water.”

Carl Ray Jeppson, sopho-more water polo major from Lubbock, took shelter in the

Brown Library when the rain began.

“I’d seen dust storms be-fore, but nothing like this,” he said. “People were running

in all different directions try-

ing to find shelter. A bunch of us ran into the Library. Stu-dents were huddled together, people were crying, girls were screaming. Some people thought the world was actu-ally ending.”

After about 10 minutes, all the roads in the city were flooded and impassable by any vehicle other than a pick-up truck, as if the roads’ de-signers had never envisioned liquid precipitation falling in Abilene.

Noah Sanderson Jr., senior

carpentry major from Ararat, began construction on a large boat as soon as the rain be-gan. He called his boat “The Ark” and said it would be able to hold every member of the ACU community.

“I’ve already begun gath-ering animals,” he said. “So far I’ve got two cats and two squirrels. But I am running low on gopher wood.”

wednesday 03.27.13 12appendix

melanie coxshe does everything

Cats, squirrels agree to truce

After years of incessant war-fare, the local squirrels and wild cats on campus have formally agreed to a truce.

Fighting has occurred between the cats and squirrels since the arrival of the cats on campus in 1948. Claiming campus as their God-given home be-cause of the name of the university mascot, the cats have competed violently with the squirrels for food and land.

“We definitely felt op-pressed,” said Bobby Gwenn, a squirrel from

Abilene. “It’s taken a long time to see how we could share this region peace-fully.”

While the cats claimed support abroad and boast-ed of superior physical ca-pabilities, President Bobo Jim of the cats said he felt isolated and threatened at ACU.

“If we were to have gone to full out war, it would have come at a great cost,” he said.

The Independent Coali-tion of Mammals, consisting of three skunks and a pos-sum family, served as inter-mediaries.

“This is truly a momen-tous occasion,” said Philip

Morbinger, a skunk from Panama. “The cats got off their freaking ridiculous high horse and the squirrels finally realized they mostly just eat acorns and bike tires anyway, the stupid idiots. Please don’t quote that.”

At press time, the mam-mals had agreed to concen-trate their hatred on grack-les, jays, cardinals, doves and pigeons, who may or may not have been building nuclear missiles for the past 50 years.

Dr. Phil Schubert, presi-dent of the university, said he wasn’t worried.

“The foolish beasts can-not challenge me,” he said. “They have no power.”

mandy lambright cat enthusiast

Secret best friends James Wilford, squirrel from Abilene, and Mr. Frisky Whiskers, cat from Abilene, high five after the announcement of the treaty between their species.

contact cox

telepathically

ACU to combine science building with football field

The football team wants a stadium for Division I. The science majors want a building that isn’t “dan-gerous” and “scary” and “ugly.” The university an-nounced a $10 million budget cut last year.

It took some exception-ally real innovative think-ing to solve this Catch 22. But the university thinks it’s nailed down the perfect newest construction plan.

New budget allowances

offer just enough room for a hybrid stadium/science building. Beginning this summer, two construction crews will create a more natural combination than peanut butter and jelly.

The project, expected to be completed by fall 2020, will feature a fully func-tioning, state-of-the-art football stadium and field, painted with the new ACU logo that spells “ACU” that the C touches the A but not the U. Directly below the field, two grand class-rooms and labs will host the biology and botamy

courses. Students in these classrooms will be able to inspect, research and dis-sect the organisms found

in the bottom of the dirt and grass of the field.

“I think the tiny or-

ganisms will enjoy being stepped on by the players as well as inspected by the science students, so it’s a

win-win-win,” said Jack Fi-garo, freshman chemistry major from San Antonio.

The stadium, which will be able to sit about 40,000 more fans than have ever attended an ACU football game, will also function as the location for Dr. Richard Beck’s Intro to Psychology course, which is only of-fered at 9:30 a.m. on TR blocks and is a student fa-vorite.

“The loudspeaker sys-tem will take some time to get used to,” Beck said. “But it should be fun to make the students pass the roll sheet around the entire tadium in 80 minutes.”

Another potential ben-

efit to the combination, the university advocated, will be the field/building’s proximity to campus. Lo-cated in Clyde, it will be a more direct shot from campus than Shotwell Sta-dium.

One potential drawback to the combined structure is in the naming. Adminsi-tration isn’t sure if it should be called a building/field, stadium/laboratory or use a clever name.

construction

contact Garcia at

that old abandoned lighthouse

Rare precipitation confuses studentsweather

nature vs. nature

With the university offer-ing pre-marital counsel-ing chapel credits and the addition of the new undergraduate MRS de-gree, ACU has introduced a new line of class rings that simultaneously act as engagement rings.

Rings were available for preorder in the Cam-pus Store last semester, allowing students to keep with the traditional “ring by spring” philosophy.

Rings come in a vari-ety of different stone set-tings and band options. Engravings of students’ graduation and engage-ment dates offer person-alized touches.

“I thought the ring my fiancé picked out perfect-ly embodied our relation-ship as well as our ACU experience,” said Emily Homemaker, junior fam-ily studies major from Houston.

Joseph Hubbard, se-nior business manage-ment major from Plano, said the rings are a great way to kill two birds with

one stone.“What’s the point of

graduating if you don’t have a wife to take with you? My fiancée and I de-cided we really wanted people to know we got what we were looking for by graduating from ACU,” Hubbard said.

For a limited time, stu-dents who preorder rings for next spring will receive

a discount on pre-marital counseling classes that also double as Chapel credits.

“I really appreciate how the ACU environment en-courages godly relation-ships in a world where divorce rates are so high,” Homemaker said.

The Campus Store says it’s had a strong stu-dent response to the rings

and hopes to see more wildcat themed wedding merchandise in the fu-ture. ACU invitation and save-the-date designs are already in the works. The Campus Store will provide a display of its new line on Monday.

contact orr at

her email address

madeline orrblob people advocate

Class rings to double as engagement ringsring by spring

Campus birds respond by building nuclear weapons

mandy lambright likes photoshop

The pigeons led the aviary armament movement that began in the mid-1960s. The peace agreement between the

squirrels and cats served to agitate tension with the birds.

Please do not contact smith

mark smithcaptain boss-master

joshua garciafamous british historian

Sara-Beth littletonfreshman underwater basket weaving major from Abilene

Students were bump-ing into each other and stumbling everwhere.”“

Jack figaroFreshman chemistry major from san antonio

I think the tiny organisms will enjoy being stepped on by the players as well as inspected by the science

students, so it’s a win-win-win.”“