The Mandrake by Niccolo Machiavelli

Adapted with Liberty and Justice for All by

Giovanni Felipe as an Open and Royalty Free Version

Cast of the play:

Callimaco, a young man of means

Siro, his faithful servant

Sr. Nicia, a middle aged dim witted lawyer

Ligurio, a scheming con man

Lucrezia, beautiful young wife of Sr. Nicia

Friar Timoteo, an avaricious friar

Sostrata, Lucrezia's mother

A widow

(Delivered by Siro)

Prologue:

Hello and welcome, playgoers!

Now since it seems your good nature

depends on this play being pleasing to you,

if you keep quiet and still

we'll tell you about

a recent event that happened in this city.

You see this set, erected

upon the stage before you:

it represents Florence, in Italy;

Behind the door on my right there lives

a lawyer who is such a dullard that

he must have learned the law from Moses.

That alley round the corner is called

the Street of Love,

and he who falls there does not get up again.

You’ll easily recognize from his habit

what kind of prior or abbot

lives in the church located opposite,

provided you stay until the end.

A young man called Callimaco Guadagno,

who’s just come back from Paris,

lives at this other door on my left.

An outgoing companion, he above all others

exemplifies honor and worth.

An intelligent young woman

was much loved by him

and by deceit he won her.

This play by the way, is called The Mandrake.

You'll see why as the play goes along.

The playwright is a man of no great fame,

but guarantees that if you don't laugh,

your ticket is on him.

Thus we offer for your entertainment,

a young man woefully in love, a dim witted lawyer,

a wicked priest and a scheming free loader. And if

all this seems a bit too light for those who like

things to be more serious, the author begs forgiveness,

he's just trying to make the time pass quicker.

Besides there's no money to be made in drama.

But let's get back to our play before we run

out of time. And right on schedule, I see Callimaco and his

servant Siro, (that would be me) coming. So enough out of

me, and without further adieu I leave the play to them and

you.

Act One, Scene One

(Callimaco and Siro)

Callimaco: Siro, come back I need you.

Siro: I'm right here.

Call: I know you're probably wondering why I left Paris so

suddenly and now spent a whole month here without doing

anything.

Siro: The thought has crossed my mind.

Call: If I haven't told you before it's not because I didn't

trust you. But I find the best way to keep a secret is to not

tell it until you have to. Now I need your help so I'm going

to tell you everything.

Siro: Well, as your servant it's not my business to interfere with your business. That's how I acted in the past and will in

the future.

Call: Now you've heard me tell you this a thousand times so

it won't matter if you hear it a thousand and one. How my

parents died when I was ten and my guardians sent me to

Paris for my education. And after ten years there the

French king Charles invaded Italy and laid waste to the land.

So it seemed safer to make a living there and not come

home.

Siro: So you've told me a thousand times before.

Call: I sold all my possesions here except my house and lived

happily in Paris for another ten years.

Siro: Nothing new there.

Call: I divided my time between study, business and pleasure

making sure that they did not interfere with each other. In

this way I lived in peace, friend to rich and poor, native and

foreigner, merchant and gentleman.

Siro: You're right, I've heard this before.

Call: But Fortune, thinking I was having too good a time, sent

Cammillo Calfucci to Paris.

Siro: I'm beginning to see what the problem is.

Call: He, like other Florentines often had dinner at my

house. One day we started arguing about which country,

Italy or France, had the most beautiful women. I could not

argue for the Italians as I had left the country when I very

young. So Cammillo took the Italian side and another

Florentine took the French side. After many arguments back

and forth, Cammillo, who was starting to lose his temper,

said that even if all Italian women were monsters he had one

relative who would put all the French women to shame.

Siro: Now I know what's coming.

Call: He told us about Madonna Lucrezia, the wife of Signor

Nicia Calfucci and praised her beauty and grace so highly

that we were all left speechless and I was left with only one

thought: to come here at all costs and see for myself. And

what I found here is this: her beauty outshines all the words

he spoke of her and I will not find peace until I'm with her.

Siro: If you had told me this in Paris I could have given you

some good advice but it's too late for that now.

Call: I'm not looking for advice but your help when the time

comes.

Siro: Well, all you have to do is say the word. But is there

any hope?

Call: Practically none. She is completely virtuous and won't

have anything to do with love or scandal. Plus she has a rich

husband who lets himself be controlled by her and while he's

older than her he's not ready for the scrap heap. There's no

chance of meeting her at some party or out in public,

because she has no friends or relatives to chaperone her. No

workmen are allowed in the house, and the servants are so in

fear of her virtue there's no chance of bribing them.

Siro: Have you come up with a plan?

Call: Nothing is so desperate that there's no hope. No

matter how small or fragile it is, a man's desire to succeed

will blind him to failure.

Siro: Okay then, what gives you hope?

Call: Two things, Siro. First her husband Sr. Nicia, who is

the most stupid, foolish man in Florence despite his law

degree. Second, both Nicia and Lucrezia want children but in

six years of marriage they've yet to produce an heir. And I

forgot, there's also a third reason. Lucrezia's mother,

Sostrata loved to party when she was younger but now that

she's rich I'm not sure how to use her.

Siro: Have you tried anything yet?

Call: Yes, but nothing much.

Siro: And what would that be?

Call: You know Ligurio who often eats with us? He used to be

a matchmaker but now he sponges off others. But he's good

company and Sr.Nicia likes having him around and though he

never eats with him he gives him a little spending money.

Well, I've gotten pretty friendly with Ligurio. I told him

about Lucrezia and he's agreed to help any way he can.

Siro: Be careful. Remember, a free loader's number one job

is looking out for number one.

Call: I know. But he knows I'll pay him well if he succeeds.

And if he doesn't he'll still get a free meal out of it because

I hate eating alone.

Siro: And what has he promised to do so far?

Call: He's promised to persuade Nicia to take take Lucrezia

to a spa this May.

Siro: And what good does that do for you?

Call: What good? People go there to relax and have a good

time. It might open her open her up a little. Of course I'd

be there at the same time, and make sure we meet, and

become friendly with both her and her husband. It's a start.

And who knows? One thing may lead to another, only time will

tell.

Siro: Not bad, it might work.

Call: Ligurio said he would speak to him this morning and let

me know how it turns out.

Siro: Speak of the devil, here he comes with Sr. Nicia.

Call: I'll keep out of sight until Ligurio gets rid of him. In

the meantime, carry on with what you were doing. If I need

anything I'll let you know.

Siro: Ciao for now.

(Exit Siro and Callimaco, enter Ligurio and Sr. Nicia)

Nicia: I think you've given me good advice and I talked it

over with my wife last night. She said she'd give me an

answer today. But to tell you the truth, I'm not too excited

about going.

Ligurio: Why not?

Nicia: I'm not much of a traveller especially when it means

packing up the wife, the servants and the baggage and

dragging them all over God's creation. I'd rather stay home

thank you very much. Plus I spoke to several doctors

yesterday. One said go to San Filippo, another to Porretta

and a yet another to Villa. They're all a bunch of quacks if

you ask me. They couldn't tell your ass from a hole in the

wall.

Ligurio: I suppose you're just not used to letting the dome of

Santa Maria del Fiore out of your sight.

Nicia: You're wrong! When I was younger I went all over the

place. They never held a fair in Prato that I didn't go to.

I've been to every castle in these parts. I've even seen Pisa

and Livorno. What do you say to that?

Ligurio; So you've seen the Tower of Pisa?

Nicia: You mean the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Ligurio: It's leaning? And you must have seen the sea at

Livorno.

Nicia: Of course.

Ligurio: How much bigger is it than our River Arno?

Nicia: Than the Arno? Oh I'd say four, six maybe even

seven times bigger. It's just water as far as the eye can

see.

Ligurio: Well, since you've pissed in every outhouse from

here to Pisa I don't see why you're making such fuss over a

simple trip to a spa.

Nicia: Simple? You think it's simple to pack and move an

entire household? You talk like a child. But I'm so desperate

to have children that I'm willing to do almost anything. So I

want you to talk to these quacks and find out the best spa

to got to. In the meantime I'll go home and talk to the wife

and you can meet me there after.

Ligurio: Later then.

(Nicia exits)

Ligurio: If there is a more foolish man in the world I haven't

met him. If he had two brains he'd be twice as stupid! But

Fortune has been good to him. He's rich, he has a wife

who's not only beautiful but fit to rule as queen. You know

the saying "Opposites attract"? How many times do you see a

decent man married to a shrew or an intelligent woman who

ends up with an idiot? Well, here's positive proof of that.

But Nicia's stupidity will work well for Callimaco, so there's

hope for him. Ah, here he comes. What are you doing here,

Callimaco?

(Callimaco enters)

Call: I saw you with Sr. Nicia and was waiting for you to get

rid of him. What's happened?

Ligurio: You were right about him. He has no sense or sense

of adventure. But I finally got him warmed up to the idea of

leaving Florence, he's ready to try just about anything to

have children, but now that may not be the best plan.

Call: Why?

Ligurio: Because all types of people go to these resorts. And

it could happen that there might be men there who are just

as attracted to her as you. Men even richer and handsomer

than you. She might well fall for one of them or even worse

all the attention might turn her off and she locks her

chastity box. So either way all our work comes to nothing.

Call: You're right but what can I do? I have to try

something. I can't sleep, I can't eat, or enjoy anything. If

I could, then I could be patient and wait for the right time

and plan. But if there's no hope, there's no reason to live.

I'm desperate enough to try anything no matter how crazy,

illegal or violent!

Ligurio: Don't say that! Calm down!

Call: The only way I can keep calm is by thinking such crazy

thoughts. We either go with the spa plan or come up with

something else if just to give me some hope.

Ligurio: Okay then, count on me.

Call: I believe you, even though I know you make your living

by conning people. But I don't think you'll con me because if

I found out I'd do everything to get even and you wouldn't

get paid.

Ligurio: You can trust me. Because even if I don't get paid,

and by the way I very much want to get paid, I'm so much a

part of this scheme that I want it almost as much as you.

But let's move on. Nicia has asked me to find the best spa.

This is what I want you to do: tell him you've studied

medicine and practiced in Paris. He'll have no trouble

believing you because he's moron and you're educated. Just

throw in a few Latin phrases into the conversation, that will

impress him.

Call: What good will that do?

Ligurio: It will get him to choose the spa we recommend while

I try another plan that will be quicker, easier and more

certain of success than a trip to the spa.

Call: What are you saying?

Ligurio: What I'm saying is that if you trust me and have

courage, what you want will be done tomorrow. And even if

Nicia was clever enough, and believe me he isn't, to tell

whether or not you're a real doctor he won't have time to

foil my scheme.

Call: You give me hope again, maybe too much hope. How are

you going to do it?

Ligurio: You'll find out when the time comes. We don't have

much time for action let alone talk. Now go home and wait

for me there. I will find our legal beagle Nicia and take him

to you. Then just play along with everything I say and do.

Call: Alright, I'll do it but I'm afraid the hope you've given

me will go up in smoke.

(Exit Callimaco and Ligurio)

Scene Two

(Enter Ligurio, Sr. Nicia)

Ligurio: As I've told you, I believe God has sent this man to

us to grant your wish. He's had considerable experience in

Paris but don't be surprised if you haven't heard of his

practice in Florence. He doesn't need the work. He's rich

and he's going back to Paris any day now.

Nicia: That's what worries me. If something goes wrong I'll

just be left hanging.

Ligurio: Don't worry about that. Worry about the chance he

won't take your case. And if he does he'll follow it to the

end.

Nicia: As far as that goes I trust you. But whether he's

competent or not, I'll know as soon as I question him. I'm

not the sort of man that can be fooled easily.

Ligurio: It's exactly because you're such a skilled examiner

that I'm taking you to meet him. If after you've talked to

him you're not convinced he's the real deal then my mother

never called me Ligurio!

Nicia: Then for heaven's sake let's get it done. Where does

he live?

Ligurio: He lives right in this square in that house in front of

you.

Nicia: Good. You knock.

Ligurio: Here we go. (knocks)

Siro: Who's there?

Ligurio: Is Callimaco home?

Siro: Yes, he is.

Nicia: Why don't you call him Doctor Callimaco?

Ligurio: He doesn't like formality.

Nicia: Don't disrespect him. Address him properly. If he

doesn't like it he can eat beans.

Callimaco: Who wants to see me?

Nicia: Bona dies, domine magister. (Good day, sir teacher)

Call: Et vobis bona, domine. (And to you good day, sir)

Ligurio: (Aside to Nicia) What do you think?

Nicia: Damn, he's good!

Ligurio: But if you want me stay here, drop the Latin so I

understand what's going on.

Call: How may I help you?

Nicia: Well, to make long story short I don't have children

but want them so I bring my trouble to you.

Call: It's no trouble to help a gentleman of good breeding

like yourself. The reason I studied so hard in Paris was to

serve men like you.

Nicia: Thank you. And if you ever need my legal skill let me

know. But let's get back ad rem nostram (to our thing). Have

you chosen a spa that will help my wife become pregnant? I

know Ligurio has explained the situation to you.

Call: That's true but first we need to know the cause of

your wife's sterility since there may be many reasons. Nam causae sterilitatis sunt aut in semine, aut in matrice, aut in instrumentis seminariis, aut in virga, aut in causa extrinseca. (For the causes of sterility are either in the semen, the

womb, the testicles, penis or some outside cause.)

Nicia: (aside to Ligurio) This guy knows his stuff!

Call: Her sterility might also be caused by impotence. And if

you're impotent there is nothing I can do for you.

Nicia: Are you kidding? Me, impotent? I could hammer six

inch nails with my penis!

Call: If that's true, then we shall find a cure. For her

sterility of course.

Nicia: Could we find another way besides a trip to the spa?

It's inconvenient for me and my wife doesn't want to leave

Florence.

Ligurio: Yes, there is another way. If I may speak for the

doctor. Callimaco is sometimes too cautious. (To Callimaco)

Didn't you tell me doctor that there is a potion you can

concoct that will guarantee pregnancy?

Call: Yes, I did. But I don't like to discuss it with people I

don't know lest they think I'm a quack.

Nicia: Don't worry about me. I've heard enough to convince

me that you know what you're doing.

Ligurio: You will need a urine specimen from his wife won't

you?

Call: Of course, that goes almost without saying.

Ligurio: (aside to Callimaco) Call Siro and tell him to go with

Nicia and get the specimen. We'll wait for him here.

Call: Siro!

(Siro enters)

Call: Siro go with Sr. Nicia. (To Nicia) And if it pleases you

come back as soon as possible and we'll get started on your

problem.

Nicia: If it pleases me? I'll be back in a flash. I have more

confidence in you than a Mongol has in his sword!

(Siro and Nicia exit, Callimaco and Ligurio go inside)

Scene Three

Nicia: Your boss is quite a man.

Siro: More than you know.

Nicia: The king of France must think a lot of him.

Siro: Yes, he does.

Nicia: I suppose that's why he likes it there.

Siro: I think so.

Nicia: He's better off there. All we have here are shitheads

who wouldn't know talent if it kicked them in the butt. If he

lived here he'd be ignored. Believe me, I know what I'm

talking about. I had to shit bricks just to learn a little Latin.

If I had to depend on that to earn a living I'd be out on the

street, let me tell you!

Siro: Do you make a hundred ducats a year?

Nicia: Ducats!? Not even a hundred lire! Listen, if don't have

an in with somebody in the government you can't even find a

dog to bark at you! All you can do is go to weddings or

funerals or hang out at the courthouse all day. But I don't

care, I don't need anyone's help. Besides, there are those

worse off than I am. Still, keep this between the two of us

or I might find myself slapped with a fine or something

shoved up my ass.

Siro: My lips are sealed.

Nicia: Ah, we're home. Wait here. I'll be right back.

Siro: Go ahead.

(Nicia exits)

Siro: If all learned men were like him we'd be burning rocks

to keep warm. One thing I know for sure, that schemer

Ligurio and my crazy boss are leading him into a trap. That's

fine by me as long as we don't get caught. If we do, then as

the saying goes, the shit hits the fan and are lives will be

danger. Callimaco has turned himself into a doctor. Why or

what his plan is I don't know yet. But look, here comes Sr.

Nicia with a piss pot in his hand. Could there be anything

funnier than that?

Nicia: (To Lucrezia, through the door) I've always done

everything your way, now I want you to do something my

way. If I'd known I wasn't going to have children when I

married you I'd have married some peasant girl. (Handing

Siro the chamber pot) Here take this Siro, will you? This

way. What a production just to get that silly wife of mine to

give me a urine sample. It's not that she doesn't want

children, she wants them even more than I do but every time

I try to do something about it she turns it into an opera!

Siro: Be patient. With a little sweet talk a woman can be led

anywhere.

Nicia: Sweet talk? She's driving me crazy. Now go and tell

Dr. Callimaco and Ligurio I'm here.

Siro: Here they come.

(Enter Ligurio and Callimaco)

Ligurio: (aside to Callimaco) Nicia will be easy to convince.

His wife will be harder but I have a few tricks up my sleeve.

Call: (to Nicia) Do you have the specimen?

Nicia: Siro has it.

Call: Siro, give it to me. (Examines it) Ah, this sample shows

a weakness in the kidneys.

Nicia: It does seem a little cloudy though she just produced

it.

Call: This is not surprising. Nam mulieris urine sunt semper maioris grossitiei et albedinis et minoris pulcritudinis quam virorum. Huius autem inter cetera causa est amplitudo canalium, mixtio eorum que ex matrice exeunt cum urina. (The urine of women is always heavier and whiter and

less beautiful than that of men. The sure cause of this is

the width of the canal and the mixing of substances that

leave the womb with the urine.)

Nicia: Saint Puccio's pussy! He gets better and better. The

man knows how to speak.

Call: I'm afraid she might be sleeping uncovered at night,

that's why her urine is cloudy.

Nicia: She's got a good blanket but she spends 4 hours on

her knees saying the "Our Fathers". She can take the cold.

Call: Well Sr. Nicia, either you trust me or you don't. I

have a sure cure and I guarantee you that if by this time

next year your wife isn't holding her own baby in her arms

I'll pay you two thousand ducats.

Nicia: Then tell me what I need to do because I trust you

more than my own confessor.

Call: Alright, know this: there is nothing more certain to

make a woman pregnant than her drinking a potion made from

the root of the mandrake plant. It is a surefire remedy that

I've used many times and it works without fail. If it were

not for this potion the Queen of France would still be sterile

not to mention a countless number of noble ladies in that

country.

Nicia: Is this true?

Call: It's a certified medical fact. And luck is with you for I

just happen to have all the ingredients with me. I can

prepare it whenever you like.

Nicia: When should she drink it?

Call: This evening after supper. The moon is favorably

positioned and the timing couldn't be more perfect.

Nicia: No problem. Prepare the potion and I'll make sure she

drinks it.

Call: However, there is one slight catch. The first man to

sleep with her will die within a week. Nothing on earth can

save him.

Nicia: Holy shit! I won't touch that nasty stuff! You're

trying to put one over on me! Now I'm really screwed!

Call: Calm down, there is a solution.

Nicia: What is it?

Call: Get someone else to sleep with her first. He'll draw out

the poison in the mandrake potion and after that it'll be safe

for you.

Nicia: I won't do that.

Call: Why not?

Nicia: I won't turn my wife into a whore and myself into a

cuckold.

Call: Sr. Nicia what are you saying? I thought you were

smarter than that. Are you refusing to do what the King of

France and the French nobility have done?

Nicia: Who will I find to do such a crazy thing? If I tell him

that he'll die within a week he'll refuse and if I don't tell

him I'll be breaking the law and end up with my neck in a

noose.

Call: If that's all that worries you, let me take care of it.

Nicia: What will you do?

Call: I'll tell you. I'll give you the potion. This evening after

supper have your wife drink it and tell her to go to bed

immediately. Then you, Ligurio, Siro and I will disguise

ourselves and go looking in both the New and Old Market and

around here for the first eligible young punk we see. We'll

blindfold him, take him him back to your house and bedroom

in the dark. We'll put him in your bed and tell him what to

do, there won't be any problem there, believe me. Then we'll

send him off before dawn. After your wife bathes you can

sleep with her safely.

Nicia: If the King of France and the French nobility have

done the same thing then I will too. But nobody must say

anything about it.

Call: Who would tell?

Nicia: But there's still one problem.

Call: What's that?

Nicia: Convincing my wife to go along. I don't think she will

do it.

Call: That is a problem. But what kind of husband are you

that can't tell your wife what to do?

Ligurio: I have a solution.

Nicia: What is it?

Ligurio: Her confessor.

Call: And who's going to convince her confessor?

Ligurio: You, me, and money.

Nicia: I'm afraid if I suggest it she'll refuse to see him.

Ligurio: I have a solution for that too.

Call: What?

Ligurio: Get her mother to take her.

Nicia: She trusts her mother.

Ligurio: And her mother will see things our way, trust me.

Let's go, time is getting short. Callimaco take a walk and

have the potion ready at your house in a couple of hours. Sr.

Nicia and I will go and persuade her mother. I know her well.

Then we'll go see the friar and let you know what happens.

Call: (Aside to Ligurio) Don't leave me alone.

Ligurio: You're in sad shape.

Call: Where am I supposed to go?

Ligurio: Here, there, anywhere, Florence is a big city.

Call: I'm lost without her.

(They exit)

Scene Four

(Sostrata, Nicia, Ligurio enter)

Sostrata: It's said that a wise man must choose the lesser

of two evils. If there is no other way to have children you

must do it as long as it doesn't trouble your conscience.

Nicia: I totally agree.

Ligurio: Sostrata go find your daughter and Nicia and I will

find her confessor, Friar Timoteo and explain the situation to

him so you won't have to. Then we'll see what he has to say.

Sostrata: That's good. You go that way and in the meantime

I'll find Lucrezia and take her to see the priest. (Sostrata

exits)

Nicia: I'm sure you're surprised Ligurio at all the

machinations we have to do in order to convince my wife. But

you don't know the half of it.

Ligurio: I guess it's because all women are naturally

suspicious.

Nicia: It's not only that. She was the sweetest most easy

going woman in the world until one of the women in the

neighborhood told her that if she vowed to hear the first

mass of the morning for forty straight days she would

become pregnant. Well, she went about twenty times or so

until one of those horny priests started grabbing at her and

she stopped going. It's terrible that those who are supposed

to set a good example for the rest of us act like that.

Right?

Ligurio: Damn, you're so right.

Nicia: Ever since then she's been as jumpy as a rabbit.

Suggest anything to her and she'll find a thousand reasons

against it.

Ligurio: I'm not surprised. But did she fufill her vow?

Nicia: We got a dispensation.

Ligurio: Good. Now I'm going to need twenty five ducats to

grease the friar so he sees our situation in a favorable light.

And we may have to fork over more to keep him happy.

Nicia: Here you go. Money's no object, within reason of

course.

Ligurio: These friars are clever and cunning because they

know our sins as well as their own. If you don't know how to

handle them they can take advantage of you. So let me do

the talking because despite your learning you don't know how

the real world operates. So don't say a word unless I give

you a sign.

(Aside) He's such a blockhead he'll ruin everything if he

opens his mouth.

Nicia: What's the sign?

Ligurio: I'll wink and bite my lip. No, no let's try something

else. How long has it been since you've spoken to this friar?

Nicia: Probably ten years or so.

Ligurio: Good. I'll tell him you've gotten hard of hearing.

Don't say a thing unless we shout at you.

Nicia: Okay.

Ligurio: And don't get upset if I say something that doesn't

seem relevant. Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Nicia: Alright.

Ligurio: Here comes our priest now talking to some woman.

Let's wait over here till he's finished with her.

(Enter Friar Timoteo and a widow)

Friar Timoteo: If you want to confess I'm at your service.

Widow: Not today thanks. I have to meet a friend here

soon. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest. By the

way, have you said those masses for Our Lady?

FT: Yes, I have.

Widow: Take this florin and say the Mass of the Dead every

Monday for the next two months for my late husband's soul.

He was a real brute but my flesh is weak, and I can't help

feeling all tingly when I think of him. Do you really think

he's in Purgatory?

FT: Without a doubt.

Widow: I'm not so sure. You remember what he did to me

sometimes. Oh, how often I used to complain to you! I tried

to keep away from his advances but he was so insistent.

Oooh Lordy!

FT: Have no fear, God's mercy is endless. As long a person

has the will to repent he will have the time to do so.

Widow: Do you think the Turks will invade Italy this year?

FT: They will if you don't say your prayers.

Widow: God forbid! The Lord save us from those devils! All

that impaling they do just makes me shudder! Oh, there's

that friend of mine, she's got some cloth for me. Thank you

Father, good day.

FT: God keep you.

(Widow exits)

FT: Women are the most charitable creatures in the world.

They are also the most trouble. If you avoid them, you avoid

the trouble but also the benefits. So if you deal with them

you have both. I suppose it's like the saying goes: you can't

have honey without the flies. (Ligurio and Nicia enter) Ah,

what brings you here, my sons? Is that Sr. Nicia? Long time

no see.

Ligurio: Speak louder Father. He's gone so deaf he hardly

hears anything.

FT: Good day, sir!

Ligurio: Louder!

FT: Good day!

Nicia: Nice to see you, Father.

FT: What brings you here?

Nicia: Fine, thanks for asking.

Ligurio: Speak to me Father, because you'll create a public

disturbance trying to get him to understand you.

FT: How can I help you?

Ligurio: Sr. Nicia and another man who I will tell you about

later, have several hundred ducats they would like to give to

charity.

Nicia: Holy shit!

Ligurio: (Aside to Nicia) Shut up, damn you! It won't be that

much! Father forgive him. He can't hear but he thinks does

and he's liable to say anything.

FT: That's OK, continue.

Ligurio: I have some of the money here with me and Sr.

Nicia and his friend want you to be the one to distribute it.

FT: With pleasure.

Ligurio: But before I give you the money, we must ask your

help in an unusual problem concerning Sr. Nicia and the honor

of his entire family.

FT: Tell me my son.

Ligurio: I'm not sure if you know Cammillo Calfucci, Sr.

Nicia's nephew.

FT: Oh yes, I know him.

Ligurio: He went to France about a year ago on some

business and because he's a widower left his unmarried

daughter in the care of a certain convent that I will not

name.

FT: What happened?

Ligurio: What happened is that either through the

carelessness of the nuns or the girl's foolishness she is now

three months pregnant. If the matter is not handled with

the utmost care the nuns, the girl, Cammillo and the entire

Calfucci family will be disgraced. Sr. Nicia is so worried

about the shame of it that he's vowed to give three hundred

ducats for the Lord's work if it can be kept secret.

Nicia: Like hell!

Ligurio: (Aside to Nicia, Shut up!) He wants to give the

money directly to you, Father. It's a matter only you and

the abbess can fix.

FT: How?

Ligurio: Persuade the abbess to give her a potion that would

cause her to miscarry.

FT: I will have to give this careful thought.

Ligurio: What's to think? Just think of all the good that will

come from this act. You'll save the reputation of the

convent, the girl, her father and all the family including Sr.

Nicia. And you will have three hundred ducats to do as many

good works as you can. On the other hand you're not harming

anything but a bit of unfeeling unborn flesh that might die

anyway in a thousand different ways. Is not the greater

good more important than the lesser good?

FT: So be it in God's name! Let what you wish be done for

God and charity. Tell me the name of the convent, give me

the potion and if you want, the money so it can start doing

some good.

Ligurio: Now you sound like the priest I thought you were.

Take this part of the money. The name of the convent

is....hold on a minute there's a woman over by the church

calling me. This won't take long. Stay with Sr. Nicia, I'll be

right back.

(Ligurio exits)

FT: How old is the girl?

Nicia: Boy am I pissed!

FT: I said, how old is the girl?

Nicia: Damn him to hell!

FT: Why?

Nicia: I hope he steps in it!

FT: I might as well be talking to the wall. Well, this a fine

mess I've got myself in. I'm dealing with two men, one

certifiable who runs off and the other certifiable and deaf as a stone. But if their money is good I'll come out ahead.

Ah, Ligurio returns.

Ligurio: (Aside to Nicia) Shut up. I have good news, Father.

FT: What is it?

Ligurio: It turns out the girl wasn't pregnant after all. False

alarm.

FT: (Aside) Great, there goes the money.

Ligurio: What did you say Father?

FT: I said great! The money will go into the general fund.

Ligurio: There will be even more money coming but there is

something else you can do to help Sr. Nicia.

FT: What is it?

Ligurio: Something less serious and scandalous but more

advantageous to us and more profitable for you.

FT: What is it? I feel we are on such good terms that there

isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.

Ligurio: I'd like to tell you in private inside the church. Sr.

Nicia will wait for us here. (Shouts at Nicia ) We'll be right

back!

Nicia: Don't hurry.

FT: Let's go.

(Ligurio and FT exit)

Nicia: Tell me, what just happened here? Am I dreaming?

I'm not drunk but I should be to put up with this crap. He

says we're going to discuss my problem with the priest but

then he starts this cock and bull story about some pregnant

girl in a nunnery. I'm supposed to pretend to be deaf but

there isn't enough cotton to plug my ears with to shut out all

the nonsense he's spewing. For what reason God only knows.

Now I'm out twenty five ducats and we haven't even started

on my problem yet! Then they just left me here like a mouse

in a trap. Ah, here they come. May they both step barefoot

in warm horse shit if they haven't discussed my situation.

FT: Tell the women to see me. I know exactly what to say.

And if my authority carries any weight this problem will be

solved tonight.

Ligurio: Friar Timoteo will do everything. Your job is to make

sure the women come.

Nicia: You've given me so much hope. Will it be a boy?

Ligurio: Oh yes, a boy.

Nicia: I weep for joy.

FT: You two go wait inside the church while I wait here for

the women. Stay out of sight and when they're gone I'll tell

you how it went.

(Ligurio and Nicia exit)

FT: I don't know who is fooling whom. That con artist Ligurio

told me that first tall tale just to test me. If I hadn't

agreed he wouldn't have told me his real plan. Since the

first one was a lie they weren't worried if I refused.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say. And so they've

deceived me. But....this deception will prove profitable to

me. Both Nicia and Callimaco are rich, and I should be able

to squeeze them both for money. They both want this little

affair kept secret as do I. So I have no fear. But I do fear

Madonna Lucrezia may be difficult because she is wise and

good. So I will appeal to her goodness and make it work in

my favor. In the end women aren't the brightest. If one can

string a few words together everyone is amazed, for in the

kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king. Here she

comes with her mother Sostrata, who has as many morals as

a sieve has water. She will be of great help in convincing

her.

(Enter Sostrata and Lucrezia)

Sostrata: You know Lucrezia, that I have nothing but your

best interests at heart and I'd do nothing to dishonor your

spotless reputation. I have told you before and I'm telling

you again that if Friar Timoteo says there is nothing to

burden your conscience than you should do it without

thinking.

Lucrezia: This is what I've been afraid of, that Sr. Nicia's

desire to have children would lead him to do something crazy.

Whenever he comes up with a new scheme I get anxious,

especially after that incident with the priest. But of all the

things he's come up with this has got to be the strangest, to

submit myself to dishonor and then be the cause of a man's

death for dishonoring me! If I were the last woman on earth

and the human race depended on me for regeneration, I

would not agree to it!

Sostrata: There are many things that I can't explain,

Lucrezia. You must speak to the priest and listen to what he

says and then do what he and all of us who love you advise

you to do.

Lucrezia: My heart aches!

(Friar Timoteo enters)

FT: Welcome, both of you. I know why you have come

because Sr. Nicia has spoken to me. Truthfully, I have been

at my books for two hours studying this case and I have

found many things both in particular and in general that apply

to us.

Lucrezia: Do you speak the truth or are you joking with me?

FT: Oh Madonna Lucrezia! Is this a laughing matter? Don't

you know me by now?

Lucrezia: Yes Father. But this seems to me the strangest

thing I've ever heard.

FT: I believe you Lucrezia, but I don't want you to talk like

this. There are many things when seen from a distance look

terrible, unbearable and strange. But when you get closer

they become humane, bearable and familiar. As the saying

goes: the fear of evil is worse than the evil itself. And this

case is one of those things.

Lucrezia: May God want it so!

FT: I want to go back to what I said before. As far as your

conscience is concerned this is the general rule: that when

there is a certain good and an uncertain evil you must never

abandon the good out of fear of the evil. The certain good

here is that you will become pregnant and give birth to a

child, gaining another soul for Our Lord. The uncertain evil is

that the man who sleeps with you after you drink the potion

may die. Or he may not die. But because there is some

doubt it would be better for your husband not to run the

risk. And to say that the act is sinful is foolish because it is

the will that sins not the body. The real sin is to displease

your husband or to enjoy the act which you won't. Besides

this you must consider the greater purpose in all this: to gain

your salvation in heaven and to please your husband. The

Bible says that the daughters of Lot, thinking themselves to

be the last women on earth slept with their father but

because their intention was good they did not sin.

Lucrezia: What are you talking me into?

Sostrata: Be convinced, Lucrezia. Don't you see that a

woman without children has no home? If her husband dies

she'll be abandoned like a stray animal.

FT: I swear to you Lucrezia on my holy office that obeying

your husband in this matter will burden your conscience no

more than eating meat on Friday, a sin that can be cleansed

with a little holy water.

Lucrezia: Where are you leading me, Father?

FT: I'm leading you into something for which you will always

remember me in your prayers. And you will be even happier

for this a year from now.

Sostrata: She'll do as you want, Father. I'll put her to bed

myself tonight. What are you afraid of, Lucrezia? There are

fifty women in this city who would thank heaven to be in your

shoes.

Lucrezia: I give my consent but I think I'll die before

morning comes.

FT: Don't fear, my daughter. I will pray to God for you and

I shall ask the Archangel Raphael to intercede and comfort

you. Now go in the name of the Father and Son and Holy

Spirit and prepare yourself for this mystery as it's getting

dark.

Sostrata: Peace be with you, Father.

Lucrezia: God and Our Lady help me!

(Sostrata and Lucrezia exit)

FT: Ligurio, come here!

Ligurio: How did it go?

FT: Well. Lucrezia and her mother are on their way home

prepared to everything we wanted. There won't be any

trouble, her mother will put her to bed and stay with her.

Nicia: Is this true?

FT: Praise Jesus, your deafness is cured!

Ligurio: Saint Clement has granted him a miracle.

FT: Of course, you will want make a donation to the church

so that it can spread the news of your miracle.

Nicia: Let's stick to the subject. Will my wife give us any

trouble on what we're asking her to do?

FT: Absolutely not.

Nicia: I am the happiest man on earth!

FT: I believe it. You will be the father of a boy and the

envy of all!

Ligurio: Father, go to your prayers and if we need anything

else we'll come and find you. Sr. Nicia go home to your wife

and make sure she doesn't change her mind. I will find Dr.

Callimaco make sure he sends you the potion. We'll meet

again an hour after sunset to carry out the next phase of

our plan.

Nicia: Okay, I'm off.

FT: Go in peace.

End of Act One

Act Two Scene One

Callimaco: What I wouldn't give to know what the others

have done. Where's Ligurio? It's getting late, it's almost

dark. I'm going out of my mind. It's true how Fortune and

Nature balance each other, you never get the good without

getting the bad. The higher my hopes rise the higher my

fears rise too. Oh misery! How can I live like this? I am like

a ship blown by two opposing winds, the closer I get to port

the more likely it is I will be shipwrecked. The stupidity of

Nicia gives me hope, the virtue and determination of Lucrezia

give me fear. There is no rest anywhere I turn. Sometimes I

ask myself what the hell I'm doing. Have I gone mad? After

I've won her, then what? Will I come to my senses and see

what a jerk I've been? As they say, the grass is always

greener on the other side. On the other hand, the worst

that can happen is I die and go to Hell as many have before

me. I'm sure it's full of good men so I won't be alone. I say

to myself: "Brace yourself, look your fate in the eye, don't

rush into danger but if you can't avoid it turn and face it

like a man." And so I try to bolster my courage but it

doesn't last long. Soon I'm overcome by desire to be with

Lucrezia and my head starts spinning, my heart racing and

everything in my body goes limp. Well... almost everything.

If only I could find Ligurio I could vent all this. Well, his

news will either give me hope or despair.

Scene Two

(Enter Ligurio)

Ligurio: Why is it you can never find someone when you want

to give them good news? I've been looking all over town for

Callimaco, his house, the piazza, the market and can't find

him. These lovers are like jumpy cats, they just can't keep

still.

Call: Ligurio looks happy. Over here Ligurio!

Ligurio: Where have you been, I've been looking everywhere

for you.

Call: What's the news?

Ligurio: Good news.

Call: Really good news?

Ligurio: Really, really good news. The best.

Call: Lucrezia has agreed?

Ligurio: Yes.

Call: And the priest has done what we needed?

Ligurio: He has.

Call: God bless him! I will always pray for him.

Ligurio: God bless him! Ha! Like God answers the prayers of

wicked as well as those of the good. And our good friar will

want something other than prayers.

Call: What will he want?

Ligurio: Money.

Call: I'll give it to him. How much did you promise him?

Ligurio: Three hundred ducats.

Call: You did well.

Ligurio: So did he. Nicia has already forked over twenty five

of them.

Call: How?

Ligurio: Don't ask so many questions. He paid, that's all.

Call: And what did Lucrezia's mother do?

Ligurio: Almost everything. When she found out her daughter

could have a sin free night of fun, she didn't stop begging,

bossing, and reassuring Lucrezia until she led her to the

priest and made sure she'd agree to it.

Call: Oh God! What did I do to deserve all this? I could die

of happiness!

Ligurio: (Aside) Who is this guy? First he's dying of grief,

now he's dying of happiness! I think he just wants to die.

Have you got the potion ready?

Call: Yes, I've got it.

Ligurio: What are you sending them?

Call: A bottle of mulled wine. Just the thing to calm the

nerves and getting one in the mood. Ah! What an idiot I've

been!

Ligurio: What is it! What's happened?

Call: There's no solution!

Ligurio: What the hell are you talking about?

Call: It's all for nothing, I've painted myself into a corner!

Ligurio: Why? Tell me what's wrong. And take your hands

away from your face.

Call: Don't you remember I told Nicia that you, he, Siro and

I would kidnap grab someone to sleep with his wife?

Ligurio: Why does that matter?

Call: Why does it matter? If I'm with you I can't be the

one who's grabbed. If I'm not with you, Nicia will know

something is up.

Ligurio: True. But isn't there some way around it?

Call: I don't think so.

Ligurio: Let me think about this a minute.

Call: Great! I'm really screwed if you start thinking about it

now.

Ligurio: I've got it!

Call: What?

Ligurio: The friar, Timoteo, will help us.

Call: How?

Ligurio: We all have to disguise ourselves. I'll disguise the

priest in your clothes and he'll imitate your voice. I'll just

tell Nicia that it's you. It'll be dark enough he'll won't be

able to tell the difference.

Call: I like it. But what will I do?

Ligurio: Throw on some old cloak, grab a lute and stroll by

his house singing a song.

Call: Unmasked?

Ligurio: Yes, because if you wear a mask he'll suspect

something.

Call: He'll recognize me.

Ligurio: No, because you'll contort your face. Open your

mouth, stick out your tongue, close one eye and scowl.

Call: This way?

Ligurio: No.

Call: Like this?

Ligurio: More.

Call: Now?

Ligurio: Good. Remember that one. I have a false nose at

home, I want you to put that on too.

Call: Okay, what next?

Ligurio: As you round the corner, we'll be there waiting, grab

you, blindfold you, spin you around, bring you inside and

shove you into bed. The rest is up to you.

Call: But that's the hard part.

Ligurio: That's your problem not mine. All I can do is get you

into her bed the first time. Getting back there again is your

job.

Call: What do you mean?

Ligurio: You have to win her tonight. And before you leave,

tell her who you are, the plot, how much you love her and

want to be with her, how she can remain your friend without

dishonor, and how great a dishonor it would be to become

your enemy. But don't worry, it's impossible she will refuse

to see you again.

Call: You think so?

Ligurio: I'm sure of it. But let's not waste any more time,

the hour approaches. Call Siro, send the potion to Nicia, and

wait for me at home. I will get the priest, disguise him and

bring him here. Then we'll meet Nicia and go from there.

Call: Good, off you go.

(Ligurio exits)

Call: Siro!

Siro: You called?

Call: Come here.

Siro: Here I am.

Call: Go get the silver goblet in my bedroom closet, cover it

with a napkin and bring it to me. Be careful not to spill it.

Siro: Done. (Exits)

Call: Siro has been with me for ten years now and has always

served me faithfully. I think I can trust him in this matter

too even though I haven't told much about it. But he's clever

enough and I'm sure he's figured it out and is going along

with it.

(Siro returns)

Siro: Here it is.

Call: Good. Now go to Sr. Nicia's and tell him that this is

the medicine his wife is to take right after she eats supper,

and the sooner she eats the better. We'll be at the corner

at the appointed time, waiting for him. Hurry!

Siro: I'm off.

Call: Wait! If he wants you to wait then come back with him,

if not come back here immediately after you've delivered the

medicine. Get it?

Siro: Got it.

Call: Good.

(Siro exits)

Call: Just waiting now for Ligurio to return with the friar.

Whoever said waiting is the hardest part was telling the

truth. I'm sweating off ten pounds an hour thinking of where

I am now and where I will be in two hours and agonizing over

every little thing that could wrong. If something does this

will be the last night of my life because I'll throw myself

into the Arno or hang myself, jump out that window or slit

my throat in her doorway! Anything not to live any longer.

But isn't that Ligurio coming? It is him! But who is that lame

hunchback with him? That must be the friar. Oh those

friars! If you've seen one you've seen them all! But who's

the other guy? That must be Siro. Yes it is him. He must be

coming back from his errand. I'll wait for them here.

Siro: Who's that with you, Ligurio?

Ligurio: A gentleman.

Siro: Is he really lame or is he just faking?

Ligurio: Mind your own business.

Siro: He has the face of a great criminal!

Ligurio: Be quiet, you're bothering me. Where's Callimaco?

Call: I'm right here. Welcome back.

Ligurio: Callimaco, speak to this nut job will you? He's

already said a thousand crazy things.

Call: Listen Siro, you must do everything Ligurio tells you to

do tonight just as if I were the one telling you. And anything

you see, hear or feel you must keep absolutely secret. My

life, my honor, my fortune depend on it as well as yours.

Siro: It will be done.

Call: Did you give Sr. Nicia the goblet?

Siro: Yes, I did.

Call: What did he say?

Siro: Everything will be ready.

FT: Is this Callimaco?

Call: At your command. Let me clarify the terms between us:

my fortune and I are at your disposal.

FT: I understand and believe it. And I've done things for

you that I have not done for any other man on earth.

Call: Your effort will not go unrewarded.

FT: Your good will is enough.

Ligurio: Enough of these civilities. Siro and I will disguise

ourselves. Come with us Callimaco and get ready too. The

friar will wait for us here. We'll come back in a minute or

two then we'll go find Sr. Nicia.

Call: Great, let's go.

FT: I'll wait for you.

(Ligurio, Siro, and Callimaco exit)

FT: It's true what they say: bad company leads men to the

gallows. But being too good can also bring you trouble. God

knows I didn't intend to harm anyone. I stayed in my cell, I

said my office, I looked after my parishoners. Then this

devil Ligurio appeared before me. First I dipped my finger in

sin, then my arm, and now I'm up to my neck in it and who

knows how much farther I'll sink. But I take comfort in this:

when something is important to a lot of people, a lot of

people take care. But here is Ligurio and that servant

returning.

FT: Welcome back.

Ligurio: Do we look okay?

FT: Perfect.

Ligurio: We're missing Nicia. Let's head toward his house,

it's almost time. Let's go!

Siro: Someone's opening his front door. Is that his servant?

Ligurio: No it's Nicia. (He starts to laugh)

Siro: You're laughing?

Ligurio: Who wouldn't laugh? Look at him Siro, he's wearing

a some cloak that doesn't even cover his ass. And what the

hell is on his head? It looks like one of those hoods that

monks wear. And he even has a little sword! Ha! Ha! Ha!....

Shhh! He's mumbling something or other. Quick, let's stand

over there. Maybe we can hear some little drama about his

wife.

Nicia: Agh! That wife of mine is making me crazy! She sent

her maid to her mother's and my servant to our country

house, which makes sense of course. But what doesn't make

sense is the stink she's making about going to bed..." I don't

want to!" "How will I do this?" "What are you making me

do?" "Mother of mercy!" If her mother hadn't threatened to

shove a leek up her ass she would never had gotten into bed.

May she piss up a rope! I don't mind women being fussy but

only up to a point. That cat brained woman is driving me out

of my mind! If I were to tell her "You are the wisest woman

in Florence" she would say "What have I done to deserve

it?" But before this game is over we'll see who wins. Hey, do

I look good or what? My own my mother wouldn't recognize

me. I look taller, younger, and thinner. There isn't a woman

in Florence who would charge me to bed her. But where is

everybody?

(Enter Ligurio,Siro and FT)

Ligurio: Good evening, sir.

Nicia: Oh my!

Ligurio: Don't be afraid, it's us.

Nicia: You're all here? If I hadn't recognized you I would

have run you straight thru with my sword. Ligurio? Siro? And

who is that one? Doctor Callimaco?

Ligurio: You are correct, sir.

Nicia: Get out! His disguise his so good his own dog wouldn't

know him!

Ligurio: I had him put two walnuts in his mouth so no one

would recognize his voice.

Nicia: If you had told me it was so important to conceal our

voices I would have put two nuts in my mouth too.

Ligurio: Put this in your mouth.

Nicia: What is it?

Ligurio: A ball of wax.

Nicia: Give it to me....Yuck...blah...ugh...yech....curse you!

Ligurio: I'm sorry, I gave you the wrong one.

Nicia: Ugh..yech...what was it?

Ligurio: Some aloe.

Nicia: Go to hell! Yech! Blah! Doctor, aren't you going to say

anything?

FT: Ligurio, you have made me angry.

Nicia: Oh! You disguise your voice really well!

Ligurio: We're losing time here. I'll be in charge and draw up

the plan of attack. Callimaco will on the right flank, I'll be

on the left, Nicia will be in the middle and Siro will bring up

the rear. The watch word is Saint Cuckoo.

Nicia: Who is Saint Cuckoo?

Ligurio: The most honored saint in France. Let's go! We'll

set our trap on this corner. Listen! I can hear a lute.

Nicia: It's a man. What do you want to do?

Ligurio: Send out a scout to see who it is and then we'll act

on his report.

Nicia: Who will go?

Ligurio: Siro, you go. You know what you have to do.

Observe, investigate and report back to us as quickly as

possible.

Siro: I'm off.

Nicia: I don't want us to grab some old man or somebody

sick and have to go thru this game again tomorrow night.

Ligurio: Have no doubt, Siro's a good man. Ah, he's back.

What did you find out, Siro.

Siro: He's the most handsome young man you have ever seen!

He's not yet twenty five, wearing shabby clothes and playing

a lute.

Nicia: He's just what we need if what you say is true. But

watch out, you're in the soup if it isn't.

Siro: He's just as I told you.

Ligurio: We'll grab him as soon as he comes around the

corner.

Nicia: Doctor Callimaco, you're standing there like a tree,

come next to me. Here he comes!

Call: (Singing) May you sleep with Devil, if it can't be me...

Ligurio: Stand still! Give me the lute!

Call: Help! What have I done?

Nicia: You'll see. Cover his head! Gag him!

Ligurio: Spin him!

Nicia: One more time! Again! Now put him in the house!

FT: Sr. Nicia I'm going home to get some rest, my head is

killing me. I won't come back tomorrow unless you need me.

Nicia: Of course, Doctor. Stay home, we can handle things

here.

(All exit)

Scene Three

(FT enters)

FT: I was so restless I couldn't sleep a wink last night

wondering how Callimaco and everyone else made out. Ligurio

and Siro probably ate, Nicia prowled about making sure

things went according to plan. I'm sure Callimaco and

Lucrezia, like me, didn't sleep either. Let's face it, if you

or I were in their place we certainly wouldn't be napping. As

for me, I tried killing time in different ways: I said my

morning office, I read some of the "Lives of the Saints",

went into the church to light a lamp that had gone out and

changed the veil on the statue of the Madonna that works

miracles. How many times have I told those friars of mine to

keep her clean! And they wonder why offerings are dropping

off. People will not pay to see dirty saints! It wasn't too long

ago that there were five hundred votive candles burning for

her, today there are less than twenty. Cleanliness equals

godliness and godliness equals money. We used to lead

processions there after evening services and squeeze money

out of people in the confessional. Now we don't do any of

those things. And my brothers can't understand why

devotions are falling! No brains, no vision. Hold on, I hear all

hell breaking loose in Nicia's house. Ah, they're throwing out

their "guest". It's not even light yet. I've come just in time

but no need to be seen, so I'll hide over here and listen.

(Enter Nicia, Ligurio, Siro with Callimaco.)

Nicia: Ligurio, hold him on that side and I'll hold him on this

side, Siro, hold him from the back.

Call: Don't hurt me!

Ligurio: Don't be afraid, just hit the road.

Nicia: We should stop here.

Ligurio: You're right. We should leave him here. Let's spin

him a couple times so he doesn't know where he came from.

Spin him, Siro.

Siro: He we go.

Nicia: Spin him again!

Siro: Voila'!

Call: Where's my lute?

Ligurio: Beat it punk! And if I hear you telling anyone about

this I'll cut your throat!

(Callimaco exits.)

Nicia: He's gone. Now let's change out of these disguises.

We should also get up early so no one will think we were up

all night.

Ligurio: Good idea.

Nicia: Ligurio and Siro, go find Doctor Callimaco and tell him

it went well.

Ligurio: But what can we tell him? We don't know anything.

Once we got inside we went off to eat and drink while you

and your mother-in-law watched over things. We didn't see

you again until you called us to get rid of him.

Nicia: That's true. Okay, let me tell you a few things about

what happened. My wife was in bed in the dark, and

Sostrata was waiting for me by the fire. I came in with the

young punk and just to make sure there were no unpleasant

surprises, if you know what I mean, I shoved him into a

closet in the hall with just enough light for me to see him

but he couldn't get a good look at me.

Ligurio: Smart thinking.

Nicia: I told him to take his clothes off. He made a stink

about it so I went at him like a mad dog and he ripped them

off until he was naked. You have never seen such an ugly

face, huge nose, contorted mouth but he had beautiful skin,

white, smooth, soft. As for the rest of it. don't ask.

Ligurio: Don't tell. Though I'm assuming it was adequate. But

why did you have to check him out?

Nicia: Are you kidding me? I wanted to make sure he wasn't

damaged goods. If he had the pox, where would I be then?

Ligurio: I hadn't thought of that.

Nicia: And when I saw that he was healthy, I took him out

of the closet and threw him into bed. Before I left I wanted

to get a feel of how things were going so stuck my hand

under the covers to see if the drawbridge was being raised.

Ligurio: You had a good grasp of that situation!

Nicia: I did indeed. And when I was satisfied that things

were taking shape, I left, locked the doors and went to

Sostrata by the fire where we spent the whole night talking.

Ligurio: What did you talk about?

Nicia: About Lucrezia's stubborness, and how much easier it

would've been if she had agreed from the start. Then we

talked about the baby that I could already feel in my arms.

I heard the clock strike. Thinking it was almost light, I went

to the bedroom. And would you believe it, I practically had

to set the bed on fire to get him up!

Ligurio: I believe it!

Nicia: He was completely spent. At last he got up, I called

you and we took him outside.

Ligurio: So everything went well.

Nicia: But something worries me.

Ligurio: What?

Nicia: That poor young man will have to die soon, because his

night of pleasure will cost him dearly.

Ligurio: Oh don't worry about that. That's his problem.

Nicia: You speak the truth. But I can't wait to find Dr.

Callimaco and congratulate him.

Ligurio: It's light, he'll be outside within the hour. We'll go

and change. What about you?

Nicia: I'll go home and put on some clean clothes. I'll get my

wife up and bathed and take her to the church to be

purified. I'd like you and Dr. Callimaco to be there so we

can all thank the friar for what he has done.

Ligurio: Excellent idea. That's just what we'll do.

(They exit)

FT: I have to say that I'm pleased with what was just said

considering what an idiot that lawyer, Nicia, is. Especially

the part about "thanking" me. Well, I'm off to the church to

meet them and where I can charge them more for the

services I have delivered. Ah, it looks like Ligurio and

Callimaco are coming out of that house. I'll go before they

see me here. And if they don't find me, I can always find

them.

Scene Four

(Enter Callimaco and Ligurio)

Call: Like I was telling you, at first I didn't feel right about

what I was doing. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the

physical pleasure of it. Finally though I told her who I was

and how much I loved her and how we could live happily

without anyone knowing thanks to her husband being as thick

as a brick and promised to marry her as soon as God saw fit

to take him to his reward. But when she experienced the

difference between my lovemaking and that of her husband,

she sighed and said: (To be spoken by Lucrezia) "Because

your cleverness, my husband's stupidity, my mother's

dishonesty, and my confessor's wickedness have led me to do

what I would have never done willingly, I must believe heaven

has willed this. And since I cannot refuse the will of heaven,

I surrender to it. I take you as my lord, master and guide.

You will be my father, defender and everything that is good.

What my husband wanted for one night, I want forever. You

will become his friend. Come to church this morning and

afterwards dine with us here. You can then come and go as

you please and we can be together without anyone suspecting

a thing." When she said this, I almost died of joy! I was so

struck dumb by happiness that I couldn't say even the tiniest

bit of what I felt. But I'm the happiest man in the world

and if time or death don't destroy this happiness, the saints

themselves will envy me!

Ligurio: My friend, I am happy that you are happy and that

everything turned out the way I promised. So what do we do

now?

Call: We'll go to the church. I promised her I'd be there

when she, her husband and mother arrive.

Ligurio: I hear their door opening. Here they come now.

Call: Let's go then and wait for them there.

(They exit.)

(Sr. Nicia, Lucrezia and Sostrata enter)

Nicia: Lucrezia, I think everything should be done according

to God's law and not just willy nilly.

Lucrezia: So what do we have to do now?

Nicia: Look at how she answers! Isn't she the proud peacock!

Sostrata: You shouldn't be surprised, she went thru a lot

last night.

Lucrezia: What do you mean "according to God's law"?

Nicia: I mean that I should go ahead and tell the friar to

meet you at the front door of the church so he can purify

you because it will be as if you were reborn this morning.

Lucrezia: So what are you doing here? Go!

Nicia: Aren't we the ruffled hen this morning! Last night you

seemed half dead.

Lucrezia: Thanks to you.

Sostrata: Now go and find the friar. Wait, there's no need

he's coming out of the church.

Nicia: So he is.

(FT enters)

FT: I came outside because Callimaco and Ligurio told me

that Sr. Nicia and Lucrezia are on their way to church. Ah,

here they come.

Nicia: Bona dies, Father!

FT: Welcome! Madonna Lucrezia, may God grant you a

healthy baby boy!

Lucrezia: May it be God's will.

FT: Oh, He wills it without a doubt.

Nicia: Father, is that Ligurio and Callimaco I see coming to

the church?

FT: Yes it is.

Nicia: Call them over here.

FT: Ligurio, Callimaco, over here!

(Callimaco and Ligurio enter)

Call: God save you!

Nicia: Doctor, take my wife's hand.

Call: With pleasure.

Nicia: Lucrezia, thanks to this man we will have a staff to

support us in our old age.

Lucrezia: I thank you dear sir, and I hope you will become

our dear friend.

Nicia: God bless you sir! You and Ligurio will dine with us this

morning.

Lucrezia: I won't take no for an answer.

Nicia: I'm going to give them the key to the ground floor

room of the loggia so they can come and go as they like.

They have no women at home to care for them, poor boys.

Call: Thank you very much. I will put it to good use.

FT: Not to change the subject, but when do you think I will

receive the money for alms?

Nicia: It will be sent today.

Ligurio: What about Siro? Surely he deserves something for

his trouble.

Nicia: All he has to do is ask! What's mine is his. Lucrezia,

how much shall we give the good friar for purifying you?

Lucrezia: Give him ten ducats.

Nicia: Holy hell woman!

FT: Madama Sostrata, you seem to have regained your

youth.

Sostrata: Father, I am happy. How could I not be?

FT: Now let's all go into the church, where I'll perform the

ceremony. After the service you may all go home to eat at

your leisure. You in the audience, don't wait for us to come

out. It's a long service and I will stay in the church while the

others leave by the side door. You're free to go. Goodbye!

.