THE JOURNEYFrom MeTo Me

TriggerDot

aka Brendan Lauritz

What Is The Journey?

The Journey is a short story to complement my first book “Working Backwards, From Miser-ee To Destin-ee To Happy-Me”.

It is most important to understand that this journey that I am on is MY journey. It is personal. It is not your journey. It can’t be and I say that with the utmost respect. Many people talk of their life journey and similar type descriptions when they have been hit with the big “What is life all about?” stick. This happens invariably when a person has endured some suffering in life in the form of death, a family tragedy, personal health problems, broken relationship or marriage, financial hardship, or some other devastation resulting in loss and subsequent grief. Nobody escapes suffering during their life journey. I am no exception.

But even though this story is about MY journey I want to share it with you because I believe it will help you. This is because not long ago, while in my own rock bottom, my Devil’s Dip, I was calling out for help to anybody who could hear me. I hit the shelves of the local library with a vengeance, particularly self-help and personal development books. And I read about other people who had suffered during their life, and had come good. And that was great. Except none of them detailed HOW they were able to COMEBACK. Experience counts for everything and I needed somebody to show me how they did it. I needed to WATCH them repair. I needed real life, not sugar coated tales for book sales!

But while I was reading everything that I could which may help me find a solution to the rock bottom blues, I began to accumulate a lot of knowledge in other areas, more particularly life skills. There is no instruction manual on how to recover from tragedy, disaster and devastation, just an awful lot of opinions. I had been designing a new communications ‘network’ for some time prior to, and during, my crash and burn. Very slowly I began to think about how I might turn my pathetic existence around and so I started documenting some of my thoughts. The thinking has turned into a book which I have now published. If you are in Devil’s Dip after loss and grieving, or if your life is unfulfilled or seems to be stagnating, then you should read me. Experiencing life’s experiences. That is what my book is about. It is NOT another “My Life” book. It is my AUTOFUTUREBIOGRAPHY!

There is a bit of a difference though. You see, I am telling you details of every minute of my journey much of which hasn’t happened yet! In fact you will be watching my FUTURE PAST. The book details my “Working Backwards, From Miser-ee To Destin-ee To Happy-Me”.

And so that I don’t get sued by every lawyer or reader on planet Earth I must throw in the “disclaimer au naturale”. And that is that I am in no way, shape or form giving anybody who reads this document, any advice on how you should live your lives.

That’s up to you. But if you should decide to go on your own life journey and it doesn’t turn out the same, please don’t blame or sue me!

There, that should keep the law suits down to a minimum while we get on with some fun stuff!

What you may find interesting is actually WATCHING somebody else attempt a comeback from a life so far very badly lived. And by watching me Working Backwards, from Miser-ee to Destin-ee to Happy-Me, you may get some form of divine inspiration to attempt a little life journey of your own, huh? Then that will become your own life journey. Personal. YOU.

Now to explain in simple terms what my journey is all about I need to become just like you. In my book I do this by referring to myself as simply….a dot! Also there are some 7 billion other dots living on this planet, including you of course. But we are all the same. Rich dots, poor dots, clever dots, gifted dots…..you get the drift…..we are all born the same and will die the same. In fact we are the same. My journey is about CONNECTING THE DOTS.

So to follow me on my journey should be fun because I don’t have any hidden agendas or advantages. In fact I’m just a tad in front of my rock bottom where my journey had begun. The end of the journey, my final destination as such, is BIG! Well actually, no, it’s much bigger than BIG. It’s aaaaghm, well SOOOO big to the point that a lot of you will think I am delusional. Insane even. A nutter in progress!

But what is so coooool is that having such a big journey to follow means that any journey which YOU may take should be easily accomplished if indeed I can complete mine, which I have! Hmmmmm, confused yet? Don’t worry you will get a big buzz out of watching me, and when you do it will answer your questions.

MY JOURNEY begins with the end of my past life of materialism and attachment. Through my own greed and stupidity I became unemployed, homeless, broke and owing lots to family and friends. With that came the associated ‘bad’ emotions of shame, depression, denial, anger, embarrassment, sadness and so on. Hmmmmm, not a great start, huh?

Well, in fact it was a great start. After a while in Devil’s Dip (under the doona!) you begin to realise that there are some advantages to rock bottoms, the big one of course being that you can’t go any further south. The RISK is NIL. There is nothing to lose. This is a huuuuge advantage in the rebuild process, the “repair” as I call it.

So my journey begins with hardship and the associated negative emotions that hardship brings. Then it moves on to the mandatory search for the meaning of life which is an elementary subject while shaking, rattlin’ and rollin’ in Devil’s Dip. “Memento Mori”, which in Latin means “Remember you will die” basically gets you motivated to do something with what is left of your precious life. A very weird part of our lives is that the meaning of “Memento Mori” is often thought of by weee humans only after we have crashed and burned. As I will discuss later the statement should be a mantra we wake up to each day because it will motivate us to honour the gift of life we have been blessed with. So, moving on, after our mandatory time of

self-sympathy in Devil’s Dip a little speck of light, in many different forms, will invariably come into our doom and gloom dark thoughts, and with that, the turnaround process begins in earnest. This is a critical point. When this little speck of light, or the sound of wind chimes, or some inspirational thought, comes to us then it is an OPPORTUNITY begging to be taken advantage of. It will always come. No dates are given, but it will come, and you will know. The comeback journey is now blowing in the winds of your creative mind!

Dreams. Opportunity. Creativity. Innovation. Giving. Destiny. Happiness. Fulfilment.Enlightenment. Love. Peace. These are some of the wonderful and joyous rewards that are a consequence of your time in hell. So think and make the most of them just as I am in the process of doing.

“Before I die, I’m going to fly”The journey, MY journey, is from ME to ME. To explain. It begins with ME. It ends with ME. Simple science really. Any journey has a beginning and an end, no? (Sorry ‘bout the bad English/grammar. If you have read my book you will know that I write like I talk, I am me!). After a few revelations my life is going around and around in circles. My beginning is my end…..and around again. Don’t worry you will ‘grok’ it as we go along. We have all heard of the “circles of life”. In Tibet the Buddhist monks walk around in circles when they are on pilgrimages, which is representative of their understanding of life’s never ending journey.

This journey is about DREAMS and how to create them. It’s about understanding the pain you are going through, and even more the reason and purpose for the pain. It is asking the question “Why Me?”. But more than anything the journey is about consciousness and thoughts because it is through conscious awareness that the comeback will begin in earnest. While you are in Devil’s Dip, under the doona, all curled up in the embryo position, a fluffy little ball of nothingness, you just don’t care anymore. You don’t care about your stinkin’ body, about anyone else, you just wanna die! Yep, I know, and just about every single one of us has been in the same position or will be in the same position during some stage of their life. It’s time to ask someone out there for help. Somebody out there heeeeelp me! But who????

……….Dear Mister SomeOne Out-There………

The Story So Far……..

A few years ago I threw away a perfectly good career in Banking and Financial Planning to chase unsubstantiated riches. I lost. It doesn’t matter why or how or who what or where. Fact is I ended up homeless, broke and very depressed. It’s past. Way past. I cannot control it one little bit and the memories hurt so I don’t waste my time thinking any ‘What if?” stuff. You’ve heard it all before “the past is gone, we’re movin’ on”. But it is a total waste of energy and life to keep living something you have no control over, no? I mean under the bottom of a rock you are miserable and depressed enough, right? So why do we want to feel even worse going over and over what might have been? Not me dot, I’m outta here……..

When I became homeless and broke it was a severe culture shock. I just had no idea how to handle it but I did know one single thing. It was going to change. I needed some divine intervention and, as previously mentioned, I spent each and every day at the local library reading self-help and personal improvement books, listening to motivational ra-ra speakers and trying to find out what I needed to do to comeback. Some of the books I read, and some of the knowledge I gained, was inspirational and very helpful. But as seems to be the norm, all of the authors and ra-ra’s always talked about “…20 years ago I was broke and now look at me”. But they always left out the bit that mattered…. How did you do it Charlie? How did you get over the shame, the psychological devastation, the embarrassment, the pain….not to mention the one they always seem to sugar coat or forget to mention “where’d you get the money, honey??”

I didn’t want “Secrets”, I didn’t want “Ask and you shall receive”, I didn’t want the power of positive thinking, chicken soup, I didn’t want to hear any more “anybody can do anything” crap, and I didn’t have enough to spend on tissues to cry into, let alone the seminars, tapes, DVDs, CDs, videos and the other expensive stuff that will bring us all back from the brink. Know the feelin’, huh? This is real life drama, not Romeo and Juliet. I was hurting and down….very very down….and I knew all along that the only person that was going to fix this up was…..you guessed it, ME!

At the time what I desperately needed was someone like me, someone with experience, someone to WATCH, someone to SEE how they came back from the brink. A mentor. Somebody REAL who had ‘been there done that’. It makes sense doesn’t it? If somebody has been in the same position but is now leading a happy, fulfilling, inspirational life, then you obviously want to know how they did it. Heard of AA perhaps? Theoretical out the window. Practical into your life! Somebody heeeelp me……

So I kept reading while applying for over 500 jobs that I didn’t really want anyway. By this time I was living in the bush and sleeping in a tent. I still do. But things have changed. Oh, how they’ve changed!

I became a part of the homeless world. I ate at the soup kitchens and homeless support shelters. To begin with it was because I had to somehow survive. I had nothing, or so I thought. But then my isolation in my tent became my new training course in my ashram I call La Chateau Tento. And I began to think. I mean reeeally THINK.

My new world opened up new doors for me. I became reclusive and isolated which opened up the creative. I had been thinking for a long time that I didn’t want to live my life like we are all taught by our parents teachers and employers which, in a nutshell, is this:

DAY 1 Pulled out kicking and screaming0 – 10 YRS Mum and Dad teach you stuff about growing up by THEIR rules10 – 20 “ The teachers at school get in on the act as well. More rules……20 – 30 “ Try desperately to find someone to marry because that’s when you are

supposed to. Maybe start a family because familiarity has ruined the romance anyway. Finish college, get a JOB.

30 – 60 “ Get a house and a mortgage. More rules…..bank rules! Pay the house off the day before you retire and congratulate the bank who you have

given two and a half houses in interest for the one house they have helped you buy. Hmmmm, seems fair??? It’s what happens to everybody else, right? So there, it must be OK then…….

60 – 100 Sit in your house watching Oprah eating Home Brand biscuits with your cuppa (and dribbling!) because you are on the pension due to not having an income because you’re too old to have a job. Spend a lot of time with your memories and sore joints waiting to die…….

LAST DAY Die

Now I maybe a little dramatic but if you are one of the “normal” people in our society you should by now be having a bit of a giggle. Because……I just described your life!

Seriously, after spending 15 years interviewing couples for applications for mortgages, THAT…. is life in a nutshell. We are all conditioned to live this man made existence according to the rules that generations, and Governments keep re-hashing!

But then the good stuff comes in to try and rescue us. Yep, in a word:

……The Suffering…….

Huh? Oh oh, you think I’ve gone one bong too long, huh? How can suffering be the good stuff?

Because it is an opportunity, a life change connector. Suffering and death are both life change connectors. Death changes your life a bit because you don’t have one anymore! What I mean is ‘Memento Mori”. Remembering you will die. THAT is the life change connector.

The pain from the loss, the grief, the hardship, the devastation from the broken marriage, bankruptcy, failed business, heartbreak, terminal illness…..and so on…..is BAD, but with it comes the greatest opportunity you will ever get!

Oh oh.

Rock bottom, huh? Hmmmmm…..

Devil’s Dip, huh? (under the doona, embryo position, continual crying with the occasional freaking attack!). Don’t worry. THAT was me as well. Pretty much cooked!

And it is here, right in the middle of Devil’s Dip, that your life can change. Mine did. Believe it or not the suffering is throwing you an opportunity. While trying to drown yourself in your own misery and wanting to hold on to every last memory of ‘the good times’ and trying to think of the safest, most painless way to end it all….this is where the opportunity begins. So please, please don’t miss it.

Before the crash and burn you would have been at work doing something you really don’t want to do and making a lot of money for your boss, who will pretend he/she

gives a rat’s ass and actually likes you. Now you have a really good excuse for not doing stuff you hate like housework and it’s the first time for years you have turned the phone off because you hate the world. For the first time in a long time you have some ME time. You can’t watch telly or play iPhone or Computers because you are too depressed to think straight, right? The heeby jeebies have taken over your very existence. The only thing constructive you have to say is “leave me alone”. Coooool, you are soooo much where I was!

So while you are in Devil’s Dip suffocating under that stinkin’ doona every now and then (usually between a sigh and a sob) you will get a little ‘light’ flicker in your right hemisphere part of your brain (the signal part) where you will question your very existence. And then the left hemisphere will try and interpret the signal. If you haven’t already done too much damage self-sympathising you will start to “hear” stuff. Maybe the wind chimes, maybe some voices……

Huh? Reeeally ….already? Oh that’s super! You are further along than I thought. Huh? The meaning of life? Life’s purpose?

Oh wow, you’re good…..aarrghmm….I mean bad. I mean you’re that bad you need serious help! Just like I did.

But now there’s one small but hugely important difference. When I crashed and burned I had nobody like me to show me what to do. Now you do. So take advantage of a bad situation. Watch ME comeback from Devil’s Dip. My journey is huuuuuge! Much bigger than yours so if I can get to my final destination, DotsHQ, then you can do anything with your journey. So watch me. It’s like grabbing hold of a spine tingling thriller that you just cannot put down because you are dying to know how it all ends!

If you are in a bad place, the degree of devastation is severe to the extreme, so what you really need is to find somebody that KNOWS how to deal with a situation as bad, if not worse than yours, right? I know that will help because I have searched for the same “somebody”. But don’t get excited yet. Things get worse before they get better every time, especially in the beginning when the obstacle that caused the pain has called on his army to finish you off. That army’s soldiers are called……

NEGOBS

“Negativity Through Obstacles”

In my book I devoted a Chapter to these dudes. Maaaan, they are horrible. They are mean, sleazy, lying, cheating, deceptive demons in waiting. They will do whatever is necessary to keep you down, and finish you off. They are the negativity that haunt you, forcing you into Devil’s Dip after you have been smashed by the obstacle. They are unrelenting. They make you cry, drive you into severe depression, and try to bury you at your weakest point. They kept working on me for months. Telling me I was worthless, that nobody cared, how pathetic my life was and that I should finish it! The NEGOBS loved having me all to themselves in Devil’s Dip (what an appropriate name, huh?), under that stinkin’ doona, scrunched up in the embryo position, all alone

in the dark, trying to finish me off with every negative thought imaginable. And they were winning, big time. I WAS pathetic. My SELF was diminished to the point of non-existence. I was losing. The self-confidence ……gone.The happiness …..gone. The love ……gone. I wanted to finish it.

But one Sunday, right in the middle of my self-destruction I found out about a new soup kitchen that was starting up, and out of sheer hunger I went along. The soup kitchen was run by a group of people that called themselves Baha’is. I had never heard of them but they were the loveliest helpful group of people I had met in a long time. No sales pitch, just genuine caring people. After the lunch (which was yuuuummmy!) I went to the library next door and got on the computer. I Googled “Baha’is” and so began my introduction to the world of spiritualism, Buddhism, Zen philosophy, meditation. From there it expanded into an intense study of the brain, one of which I was seemingly born without! I also started reading and studying other ‘brain’ stuff like consciousness and the philosophy of thinking and thoughts which led me to the area of learning that was unknowingly to become my reason for being……

The Art Of Creativity

It was during this period of….aaargghhm….wot you say….aaargghhm….soul searching, that I threw my now renowned ‘fruitcake furball’ while sitting on the beach. I explain it in a bit more detail in the book, but I wasn’t even meditating or praying. I was simply in awe of the ocean, waves and horizon when out of nowhere I let out this almighty scream. It’s funny thinking back on it now, because it was just not me to do something as “out-there” as that. Even though I was in my rock bottom at the time I normally don’t do fruit cakey things. I still can’t explain it other than to say that my sub-conscious was freeing itself of the shackles of my mind which I had been trying to release through “KNOWINGNESS”, the result of my reading and accumulation of knowledge. To be very honest I think it was the beginning of my self-awareness and of my journey from ME to ME. It was during this period that Mister SomeOne Out-There came in to my life and reshaped my destiny.

My intense desire to find out about how my head worked seemed to give me some structure to my research because I still wasn’t sure what I was looking for or what I was trying to do. I had created this new strategy for assessing what each of us needs, called NEEDSEARCH and was trying to work this into my other recent strategy I called WORKING BACKWARDS. But I was missing something that connected, and I suspected it was something holding me back, something personal.

My self-worth was disassociating itself from my net worth (an ‘ah ha’ moment!). My net worth was negative with lots of noughts on the end.

I may be giving a little too much detail but I believe it is important that you have some idea as to how, why, where and when in this process Mister SomeOne Out-There came to me. And the reason it is sooooo important is because my thought patterns were changing, caused primarily by my new social status of bush hobo with honours in being a beach bum! During my previous selfish fishbowl material existence I had not looked at myself in the mirror and actually seen the real ME! I only ever saw the reflection, or perception of me. Now my personal dilemma had put

me in a position to ask WHY? This point is critical to nearly every single dot out there. Suffering is part of the package of life. Tragedy and hardship, pain and sorrow will all have differing degrees of devastation. But if there is ever one thing to learn from watching my journey it is this. There are two parts to suffering. I give them a name, NEGOBS. Part one is the OBSTACLE that causes the pain such as loss, financial hardship, etc. This is the part that knocks the wind out of your sails, that thrusts you into eternal damnation in Devil’s Dip if you are not aware. The part that makes you want to exit life. The other part is the NEGATIVITY. This is the part that causes lingering anguish for however long you want to let it break you. Some people let it win because they don’t know how to combat it. Some people live with it for the rest of their lives because they don’t know any other way. They do not have the EXPERIENCE to move forward and complete the life with the potential they have to BE!

I found my Mister SomeOne Out-There by NEEDING to. MSOT lives in me. I wrote a poem about it and the poem is reflective of the way it was, and still is. Because of the pain (your sickness) in many ways it is personal and emotional torture. It is sooooo bad that we want it to go away and we pray (even if you are not religious) for it to stop, to leave you alone. We don’t know, or even care who we are praying, or calling out to. We are totally REACTIVE to the irreversible position we are in. This is where we all need help, and as much as we may all have wonderful family and friends support, it isn’t where the help will come from.

This is the point at which we begin to EXPERIENCE our own EXPERIENCES. It is what my new network, Dots HQ, is based on. For it is from deep within yourself that you will find the answers. It is where KNOWINGNESS resides. It is where MSOT resides. And there is something else in there, within you, with MSOT and KNOWINGNESS. And that something is the creative you which is a direct link to your conscious, subjective self. It is as real as your legs and arms, but you never seemed interested in all of that sort of ‘hogwash’ that hippies and dreamers seemed to get interested in.

Again, I can only relate to you MY journey. I cannot offer advice as I am not qualified to do so. But from an experience point of view then you should try and follow MY journey and then use some of my ‘experience’ to create your own journey. It is one of the reasons I am still living in La Chateau Tento because I need you to see me on the bottom, the place where I invented Devil’s Dip. And I will be doing whatever I can to make the dots of this world PROACTIVE in finding their MSOT rather than REACTIVE to life’s suffering. This will happen in DotsHQ. So you are getting MY complete journey, from ME to ME, from Devil’s Dip to DotsHQ. I have completed it, you are watching it. It’s time to begin the STEPS forward. This is soooooo coooool. C’mon, grab my hand, let’s find the way out of Miser-ee together and head for my Destin-ee.

Let’s begin with the itinerary of my journey, the record of my trip to come. And the beginning is a pretty good place to start, huh? You need a few details of my rock bottom because it is the place most of us will begin our journeys.

FROM MISER-EE, All Aboard…….

About 5 years ago when I found out that the new business I had put three years of my time and money into would fail I sub-consciously began to think of my contingency plan, or let’s say Plan B. It took around two years or more for the wheels to fall off completely and this was the time that the fear, anxiety, depression and associated negative emotions ran riot through my psyche. The job market was at an all time low and my income had become non-existent, along with my savings. Things got worse, a whole lot worse! I slept around at a few ‘mates’ places for a while until I wore my welcome out. I still had my BMW 530i Sport and remarkably I was able to sleep in that for nearly six months before that too was repossessed. I guess I was an upper class ‘mobile hobo’ for a while. I had lost all of my beautiful furniture as I couldn’t pay the storage fees and then one day I was homeless, I mean REALLY homeless, two bags with clothes stuffed in, and two dollars in my pocket homeless! I was in trouble.

I knew it was coming but I didn’t want to think about it because it scared me too much. The first night I rang my local parish priest hoping he might help with some sort of temporary accommodation. It was about 7.00 pm on a Friday night. He suggested I sleep in a little alcove at the back of the Church, which I did. I still remember to this day how bad I felt thinking how I had ruined my life, too old to start again, what about the kids and lots of other stuff I’m sure you can imagine. It rained all night and I had my first introduction with hobos going through the garbage bins right where I was trying to sleep, unable to comprehend the reality that I was now one of ‘them’. It was a popular pick up point for the drifters and I received my first hobo ‘proposal’. I did not sleep one minute that night. Even now I am choking up thinking about it. With a week to Christmas I wasn’t really in a festive mood. I slept on the streets a few nights and then headed for the beach where I slept for seven straight nights. It wasn’t too bad. I had a doona and the nights were beautiful. My early days of stargazing came back to me UNTIL………

On the seventh night without warning CYCLONE TERROR arrived. I ended up under a picnic table at two o’clock in the morning with winds swirling from every direction and the doona over me under at least 12 inches of water, nearly drowning. I laughed. Seriously. At that very point in time I was in my rock bottom, getting smashed, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

So that is a little of my background leading up to my life change. There are lots and lots of stories in between then and now, nearly three years later. I may write about them some time in the future I’m not sure. But for now, within my journey, it is old news. It is past. It freaks me out and I can’t control it. I will not give the past any of my time because it doesn’t deserve it. So this is THE place to begin my journey. It is a good place to define the beginning of ME!

Since that rock bottom night things began to get better, ever so slowly. They had to. When you are on the bottom there is only one direction you can go to reach the top, and that is where I wanted to be. Bottom sucks!

So what better place to begin documenting the beginning of ME but, of course, the END (hhhmmmm, don’t worry I can assure I am completely sane….well, at least for now!).

The suffering bit was in its infantile and most painful stages when I became completely homeless, without my current residence La Chateau Tento. To try and lessen the pain somewhat I actually made a couple of good decisions under immense pressure. One was to try and work out what the hell I was going to do and the second was to venture to a place that I loved while I worked it all out. That place was the beach as I mentioned previously.

So I swapped living in commercial rubbish bins and under office stairwells for a bit of stargazing, moonshining and big wave serenades (until of course TERROR tried to drown me in my own backyard!).

Fortunately I am not a ‘bye cruel world’ type of person. I used my new location to do a lot of walking and jogging along the beach. I began collecting sea rocks and shells. It helped divert my attention from the grim situation I was in. I am a realist and knew that the only person to blame for my predicament was ME. But I was angry (at myself), lonely, humiliated, embarrassed, penniless and very, very confused. But if there is one place in the world I would ever want to be amongst the myriad of negative emotions I was confronting, it was here, the beach, the world’s greatest THINK TANK. If ever there was a place to be to ‘see the big picture’ then the beach is that place. When I started my 10 klm walks, jogs, usually followed by a swim, I was as rock bottom as I had ever been and I hadn’t introduced myself to the spiritual, meditation learning that was soon to follow. My ‘thinking’ at this point was not deep or clear, as the stress and pressure I had applied to myself caused a lot of ‘noise’ or congestion within the channels of my brain.

But there was something.

IT was happening, albeit unknowingly.

Now at this point I need to stop and share something with you all…….My pain, my degree of devastation for my ‘sins’ was minimal compared to the pain and tragedy that many of you have and will suffer as we continue down our life paths. The way we react to the devastation will be different for each and every one of us as well. There are also those who will think my devastation was bad and something they would never want to experience. If you are going through a really rough patch at the moment or if it is soooo bad you are shaking and sweating in Devil’s Dip, please try and do a BIG favour for YOU. Go to the beach. Preferably go early evening when the sun has set. Or if that is impossible THINK of the beach. You are the only one on that beach. You are still hurting. Just sit there. Look at the waves. Listen to them, I mean really listen. Become one with them (called ‘groking’). Look up at the skies (I hope it is clear!). Look in awe at the moon and the stars. Don’t think of anything. This is how and when my life started to change because what I was looking at and the waves I was listening to …… THAT was the BIG PICTURE. It is where I began to SEE the

stars, millions of them, and saw myself as ONE of them. I was a dot. I was only one dot among millions. It was another ‘ah ha’ moment. It was my ‘let go’ moment. I was beginning to define the rest of my life.

My head was very cluttered. The NEGOBS were winning the war. No self-confidence. Plenty of self-pity. How could this happen? Why did this happen? What

will I do? Where will I go? The questions were laughing at me. While they were going around and around in my head, there was no room for logic. No room for God. No room for life anymore. Only doom and gloom with the NEGOBS. I don’t know how many times I tried to work out how far I would have to swim out to be beyond help. Only the fear of death stopped me.

I was luckier than some. I was still able to go for my walks and jogs. I kept building my seashell collection. It gave me SOMETHING. It was a diversion from the pain.

My walks along the beach became some sort of a ritual, always early in the morning before going to the library, and sometimes also in the evening so I could wonder at the creation. It was the perfect environment to pray and ask God’s help. It was where I cried out to somebody to heeeeelp meeee. So I did. FULL CIRCLE………. Dear……

Mister SomeOne Out-There

“Troubled by questions all my lifeLike a madman I have been

Knocking at the door.It opened!

I had been knocking from inside.”Rumi

(Persian Mystic, born 1207)

This is the period where I found Mister SomeOne Out-There. He lives in me but I didn’t know he was there. Mister SomeOne Out-There lives in every single one of us. But you have to LOOK for him. And we only tend to look when we are devastated in Devil’s Dip. But why do we wait to find someone who lives in us, who is a part of our existence, a part of our being? Well, the answer is we shouldn’t wait but because our lives just evolve into the “norm” that we are taught from Day 1 (“Hey everyone, I’m out now!), and it’s what Mom and Dad did and all the other grown ups do, then it’s all “normal”. We follow the “normal” life that we are supposed to live, a life I refer to as ‘unrequited evolution’.

That is, until the abnormal happens (Twilight music in the background!). The abnormal is the booze and drugs and other addictions that get heaps of us. The abnormal is the six kids and huuuuge mortgage or getting the sack from your job which you had for 20 years. The abnormal is the disaster, the tragedy, the devastation that wasn’t supposed to happen. Oh oh, after a while you start to really stink in Devil’s Dip under that damned doona. It just takes so long to figure out the meaning of life!

OK so back to me. Here I was in Miser-ee as I call it in my book, so old even the wrinkles have surrendered, reclusive like Howard Hughes without the money, and I ‘ain’t a happy Harry! A fully grown man crying just doesn’t cut it with me. I tried to cry, but when you’re by yourself stuck in a tent in the bush, tears of self-sympathy don’t really get listened to! But then there are the REAL tears. The ones that flow

when you are not crying, that flow when the self-pity is being plunged into you by the NEGOBS.

The tears of ‘no cry’. They are the worst. They match the feeling of hopelessness.

I still don’t know to this day how I found Mister SomeOne Out-There. I explain in my book that for a fleeting moment on the beach I took on the persona of some crazed mentally challenged fruit cake screaming out his lungs calling out to somebody to help him. Seriously stress and pressure is all I can put it down to because I am normally pretty level headed and have a giggle at stories about fruities like moi! But……

Something DID happen…..IT happens! And do you know when …IT happens? Pretty obvious I guess. When you look for it. And you tend to look when you need some divine intervention, when all looks hopeless. This is the beginning. This is the OPPORTUNITY you cannot afford to miss. And when it comes grab it with every bit of energy you have and never let go, because this opportunity has a name. I call him Mister SomeOne Out-There.

Mister SomeOne Out-There lives in me as I have already shared. He is my inner self. And he is real. Who IS he? Hmmmm, who do you want him to be? Is he God? Hmmmm…..maybe. Is he my conscience? Hmmmm……maybe?Is he going to help me? Yes, always, every time I ask. But first you have to LOOK. You must ASK for help. You must call him out. And he will come. And he has lots of really good ‘stuff’ with him inside of you. Stuff that will help. Stuff that you didn’t know you had in you. Mister Someone Out-There came out and gave me heaps of stuff, as you are finding out. Want more proof? Coooool, keep reading and watching me. Anyone can find him, dot. Just look. He is waiting. He gave me the devastation. Sounds funny I know, but it was a gift. Then he waited for my call. I called……..

I write like I talk and I won’t change that. I am ME. The preceding paragraph is about as good as I can give as to how and why this has happened and is happening. I am sooooo much a realist, even a sceptic. I didn’t get hit with a big bolt from the sky. There was no ray of light. It wasn’t the Holy Spirit as far as I know (although it is possible). I have only become interested in meditation and spiritualism since then. Mister SomeOne Out-There is simply……ME! I called on ME for help! I was able to “grok” ME.

In a minnie I will detail my Journey so that you will see and understand what I have done and what I am in the process of doing. Then you may wish to apply it to your own situation, if you need to. But first I must explain how the journey evolved in MY world.

When I was going along OK, living in a nice joint, driving a nice BMW, getting drunk with ‘da boys’, playing hide the sausage, and all of those ‘fun’ things you do, I had no idea about homeless people, hobos, and they were never a part of my reality. I saw them every now and again on the TV but was never interested in their problems. I had my own, called survival.

But then the big crash and burn. I was one of ‘them’. I was in Devil’s Dip. I was in Miser-ee. Oh oh!

Fast forward three years or so. I still live in La Chateau Tento. And I have learned more in that time than in my entire life up until then. And the experience I have gained is of paramount importance in determining my future direction, particularly with respect to DotsHQ, as this experience has shown me the NEEDS of other dots, and to use the experience of my living within the homeless world to benefit each and every one of us. DotsHQ will be designed using experiences of life, and these experiences will make all of us more comfortable and provide the credibility to benefit the dots. Just as Apple, Facebook, Google and others fill their their staff with A-Graders in the technology world, DotsHQ will provide A-Graders from experiencing life. And to begin with the first thing we will be doing is to provide a vehicle to help people SAVE money in times when that is a survival NEED. But first the STEPS I must take to get to DotsHQ…..

STEPS

What I am doing and have been doing for the last three years is accumulating knowledge, through reading and NEEDSEARCH, and through EXPERIENCE. But to do that I firstly have to understand my own reasons for wanting the knowledge. This has led to my intense study of spirituality, theology, various religious philosophies, consciousness, thoughts and energy, which are all associated with the one area that will define my future, the area of creativity.

I have chosen to re-invent myself. With decades of experience in Local Government Administration (a qualified Town Clerk), marketing, systems, banking and financial planning, I am on the downward slide of 50, heading toward the end of life, heading toward DEATH. I am aware of it and I welcome it. It inspires me and motivates me. I am not waiting for the stroke, the heart attack or the cancers that are circling around me, waiting to strike. Nup, not gunna happen. I am controlling the rest of my life. I WILL make a difference because I have been given the OPPORTUNITY that the last few years have presented. I have opened my eyes and I can see not just what is in front of me, but because of my knowingness I can see something that I never could see before. I can now see ME!

My dream is set. My final destination has been determined. My journey has begun. Like an infant learning to walk, I have already taken my first STEPS. It seems every day I am taking more and more steps. I am moving closer to the final destination. I am moving closer to my dream. I am moving closer to finding ME! And I will know when I am there. It has already been defined. It is a part of my psyche. I will be there when the dots are connected.

I have written a book “Working Backwards, From Miser-ee To Destin-ee To Happy-Me” which is now published and available on-line. I have created a website and blog at www.triggerdot.com where you can purchase the book. To me that was a drag but a necessary one (I don’t like computers!). I have created some poems and Mister SomeOne Out-There is already getting some very good feedback. When I put it on You Tube (Channel ‘TriggerDotsHQ’) it should get some good publicity.

And I have created some comedy scripts which will also soon go on You Tube. “Hobo Wants A Wife”, “Nutter House” and “Wilson and Trigger” should add to my exposure. The comedy is classic and there are many more to be executed. A skin product I have created will soon be available. I have written several comedy scripts to promote the product. Again the comedy is classic. When I say ‘classic’ I mean that I have used my NEEDSEARCH strategy to understand what other dots are drawn to on the internet. The research shows the two areas that dots are drawn to are music and comedy. So these are the areas on which I will base my STEPS. These are the two areas that will create the exposure I need to reach my final destination, to complete my dream, to make the dream a reality in other dots eyes. It is already a reality in my eyes because I have already created them!

I have created many songs. When I say created I mean I have written the lyrics and composed the musical arrangement for each. Now all I need is some professional musicians to ‘jam’ the songs according to my vision. I have never played or sang in a band. I can’t play an instrument (although I am making a fledgling attempt to learn the guitar!). Some of the songs I have created are ‘Nuts’ (about me!), ‘Broken Man’ (about me!), ‘BoppaStoppa’, ‘The Grok Rock’, ‘Dots’, ‘Mad Like Your Dad’ (about me!) and a few others to make an album. They all rock, big time.

But the song which will launch the exposure I need is one I have taken over two years to create. Two years of passionate, continuous, interrupted THINKING, to get it right. So what makes me think somebody with little or no experience can cut a Number One in such a competitive, cut throat industry?

Well, this is where my previous experience in other areas comes into play. I KNOW that the song has to be different and so I have put a lot of THOUGHT into that. I also KNOW that it has to be ‘head bangin’ rockin’ fun’. I have done that. And I KNOW that the words have to relate back to a story of interest or emotion. I have done that. But there’s something else I have on my side.

I HAVE A STORY of interest as the writer.

Delusions of grandeur? No, not one bit. The song is head banging rockin’ fun. How do I know? Hmmmmm? How can I be soooosuuure? Hmmmmm?

Well, this bit takes a lot of explaining. But without giving tooooo much away the answer is ‘knowingness’. Because of my recent studies I have learned much about consciousness, thoughts and the energy created by them. I have also learned about ‘Creative Visualisation’ and using the creative process. Imagination is the ability to create an idea or mental picture in your mind. In creative visualisation you use your imagination to create a clear image of something you wish to manifest. If you focus regularly on the vision and use affirmations to give it power, the energy of your thoughts will turn the idea or form into objective reality. But to attain this level, to complete the dream and create the reality, passion and faith are pre-requisites. The passion is never leaving it out of your thought processes. The faith consists of two beliefs. You cannot manifest unless you have BOTH of these beliefs:

BELIEF IN YOURSELFBELIEF IN GOD

Now when I say God I mean belief in a higher power. In my case it is easy because I am a practicing Roman Catholic. But if you cannot comprehend that there must have been a Universal creator of you, the Earth, the Universe and every single thought and action that determines your very BEING, then you CANNOT put yourself in a position to materialise your vision. This skill is not something you are born with. It is learned through life lessons, usually lessons you are blessed with when you encounter the rock bottoms of life. I am blessed. I now KNOW what my destiny is. This KNOWINGNESS has materialised my creative visualisation in relation to the song. Now I don’t expect y’all to believe that I can predict the future. I can’t. But I am Working Backwards. It is the title of my book. I have created the song “Nursery Rhymes”. I have used my NEEDSEARCH strategy to create it. Nobody has heard the song. It is simply my visualised creation. It is going through my head all day every day and I love it as I know everyone will. But today nobody knows that the song exists. It contains three Nursery Rhymes, Mary Had A Little Lamb, Jack and Jill and Humpty Dumpty (in that order). I believe it will top the charts globally, it is THAT good. Oh, and as I have told you I have never sung before and yet I will be providing the vocals in the song. Oh oh! And there are lots of other great songs which will provide the material for a chart topping album. Watch my journey, then judge if you will.

As with everything that I am doing I am Working Backwards. I am not into the power of positive thinking and all the other ra-ra stuff. I am sooooo real it will take a lot for me to rot. I am just blessed to be given the opportunity I have been given and to have the two beliefs above.

So if you are blessed with tragedy, hardship or devastated through some other form of loss or grief, then use those opportunities to define the rest of what you have left in your life. Use your gifts to help others and have a lot of fun and fulfilment yourself. If you are blessed like me, then you can attain the ‘knowingness’ of creative visualisation. Memento Mori. The rest of what you have left is more precious than ever. Don’t wonder about the meaning of life. Give it meaning.

So I hope that you are creating a picture. When DotsHQ is up and running it will provide the tools you need to create your own journey. It will give you a detailed structured model from finding Mister SomeOne Out-There right through to completion by Working Backwards. But for now you have the opportunity to WATCH a real live working model….ME! My dream is as real to me as the keyboard I am typing on now. I can make it real because I know my own capabilities and I have the belief to follow it through until I smile watching the creation on screen. The STEPS will continue all day every day until realisation. The songs, the poems, the books, the film, the product, DotsHQ….they will all manifest because they are real! They started as a thought. The thought had energy. It was a part of my consciousness. My consciousness made a subjective experience an objective one. The non-existent and non-real has become existential and so very real. I am Working Backwards from my subjective experience to my objective reality. Watch. To see it unfold will be to understand.

My name is Trigger.

I am a dot.

You are a dot.

LET’S CONNECT……………