The Exhausting Naval Adventures of AugustusHervey.

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Augustus John Hervey, 3rd Earl ofBristol 1724-1779

"All Aboard!"

Genoa 1755

Captain Augustus Hervey is in adarkened room hiding under a marriedladies bedclothes.

The lady in question is lying in the bednext to him.

She is tantalisingly near but the youngnaval of f icer cannot allow his eagerf ingers to explore because her husband(who is unaware of the lecherouspresence beneath his marital sheets) isapproaching the f oot of the bed with alighted candle, asking if he can comecloser in order to show of f some Indianhandkerchief s.

There is no acceptable nautical phrasef or this particular situation.

Hervey himself is not the handsomestof f ellows but is well connected, has agenerous purse, enough self conf idenceto f ill a ship of the line and acts upon

his whims without delay or f ear.

This combined with a libidinous appetite which would shame a rampant stag has made him a

“A Ple asure Gard e n ind e e d ”

cocksman of extraordinary success and of which Great Britain can be proud.

Breathing with dif f iculty and trying to look as f lat as possible (not easy under the circumstances)“The English Casanova” lets his mind drif t back across a naval career that was no less active onland as it was at sea.

Florence 1748

Ah Florence the temperate climate, the f amous bridges and the art treasures of the Medici.

Within days of his arrival Hervey determined that Florentine husbands were not as possessive intheir nature as other Italians. This was f ortuitous because one of his f avourite pastimes of anevening was to escort a great many of their wives down to the bridge at La Trinita. Underneath itsarches on the banks of the Arno was where amorous Florentines of ten gathered to indulge inclandestine “Knocking” and easy access clothing was the norm.

If the husbands had been jealous types they might have been concerned by the f act that Herveywas usually naked save f or a silk robe and a straw hat.

Whilst in Florence Hervey also spent many ahappy hour entertaining f emale company inthe secluded shrubbery of his ex patriotf riend Mr Mann. Mann had worked hard totransf orm his expansive Italian lawn into areplica of the inf amous pleasure gardens atVauxhall (until scandal and concerns aboutshadowed debauchery f orced him to put upsome lanterns)

Great Days

Lisbon 1748

Ah Lisbon, basking in the Portuguese sunshine, the perf ect place f or Hervey to reacquainthimself with Signora Ellena Paghetti, the lady who took his virginity during his f irst visit as a callowsixteen year old.

They discussed how they had f ared in the

“Excuse me , I’m 16 and ve ry callo w, whats thePo rtug ue se fo r Who re ho use ?”

They discussed how they had f ared in theyears since and then picked up where they hadlef t of f , f ortunately she was “still veryhandsome”.

Hervey also made a new f riend in the livelySpanish f orm of the Duke de Bagnos.

These Sons of Venus spent much of their t imetogether f requenting a popular brothel or“Nunnery” called “Odivellas.” With upwards of700 “Nuns” to choose f rom ( including two royalmistresses) Hervey f ound his spiritual needswell attended.

De Bagnos also introduced Hervey to aPortuguese style of courtship which involvedwearing a voluminous cloak to conceal onesidentity and standing beneath a ladies windowwhispering sweet words in the hope of beinginvited up.

Hervey tried this approach with one SignoraBrezio and although it took him a f ew nights ofaroused loitering he eventually got permissionto shimmy up her f oliage and divest himself ofhis cloak (and shoes and breeches.)

His greatest cloaked moment came in thecompany of de Bagnos and a French gentleman by the name of Monsieur de Vergennas. Allsimilarly att ired they visited upwards of thirty houses of pleasure in a single busy morning.

It ’s f air to say that end of that, a f eeble nor westerly would have blown Hervey of f the edge ofthe dock and into the River Tagus.

Good Times

Paris 1749

Ah Paris, the beautif ul gardens of the Tuileries, the dazzling art collection of the Palais Royal andthe opulent splendour of the French court.

On his arrival, Hervey was presented to King Louis XV and the queen who both ignored him.Madame de Pompadour however was more convivial and “The handsomest creature I think I eversaw” but sadly was immune to the Hervey charm.

Within weeks he was spending his money like a sailor on shore leave (which he was) andingratiating himself with the cream of Parisian society, such as Madame de Monconseil whocaught his eye when (as a f avour f or his mother) he stopped of f at her apartments to deliver aletter.

Sadly, her gratitude did not extend beyond saying “Merci”.

He was f urther disappointed when in a f ever of the most genuine af f ection he of f ered anactress known as The “Corrolina” 17 shillings f or a quick “Dock” but was f irmly and unequivocallyrebuf f ed….“Zut Alors”

“Op e ra? ye s lo ve it, no w te ll me , have yo utwo g irls e ve r se e n a yard arm?”

“It is with the utmo st hig h re g ard I ask yo u to kind lyco ntain yo urse lf mad am unti l I have d e live re d myb ro ad sid e and b id yo u ad ie u”

As a staunch patron of the arts however Hervey was notone to admit def eat and turned his attention f rom thetheatrical stage to the opera. He began regular andexhausting assignations with two operatic dancersknown as The “Bellno” and The “Lani”.

He was f ond of The “Bellno,”a “Handsome” woman who’s younger sister was on intimate terms with his newf riend the Duke of Chartres but less enamoured of The“Lani” who claimed she had been a virgin until they met.

As a gentleman, Hervey paid both her and her mother aconsiderable sum of money to compensate f or the lossbut suspected he had been gulled so the designing litt letrollop was soon sent packing.

A visit to the Château de Bagatelle did howeverreacquaint him with Madame de Monconseil who hadreconsidered just how gratef ul she was f or receiving thatletter and gave the pleasantly surprised sailor an intimate tour of her boudoir.

Then there was:

Madame Coupe, “ a most luscious jouissance”whom he saw every night f or over a week bef orebecoming bored.

Mademoiselle Blotin, whom he took to bed asher chaperone mother snoozed on a couch inthe next room.

Baronne Blanche, “A great black lewd woman,about 30” who gave him litt le choice but tobecome intimate despite his grave misgivings.

Madame de Mirancourt, who made a great showof being shy and virtuous bef ore spending allnight with him.

Throughout this t ime he was also still regularlyseeing (to) both The “Bellno” and Madame deMonconseil so its lit t le surprise he f ell ill at at aparty in St Cloud and under doctors orders waspurged, sweated and bled until he f elt restored.

When he met Madame Caze however he knew it was something special and immediately stoppedseeing Madame de Monconseil (who upbraided him in a most violent manner ) and generouslypassed The “Bellno” on to one of his f riends af ter giving her some money f or a nice dress.

“Ano the r wo man hid ing in the ne xt ro o m yo u say? d o n’t b e rid iculo us my lo ve and p le ase p e rmit me to sho o t yo urd o g ”

Madame Caze was married but this did not stop Hervey pursuing her with the kind of singleminded determination which would one day build the Empire.

“I’ve ne ve r me t tho se two lad ie s in my life . Ple ase acce p t this small g ift with all my affe ctio n and re sp e ct.. the n take yo urd re ss o ff”

He engineered spending all of his t ime in her company and showered her with trinkets such as alocket with a secret compartment (which concealed a miniature of his f ace). She f inally succumbedand when he presented her with a ruby set with diamonds her passions became delightf ully inf lamed – until her mother walked into the room unannounced and clothing was speedily rearranged.

Shortly af terwards, a f rustrated Madame Caze declared she was her own mistress and instructedHervey to visit her alone in her rooms one af ternoon. Bef ore you could say “Do you ever do anyactual sailing?” he was banging hard at her door and stayed until af ter midnight, remarking later,“I never tasted such exquisite delight nor was I ever more fit for the scene”.

“Cap tain He rve y at yo ur se rvice m’d e ar, d ismiss the maid and le ts b uckle to …unle ss yo u want he r to stay and jo in us b ’g ad ”

Their af f air blossomed with Hervey enjoying exhausting f ive hour sessions in her company Theyattended church together (f or proprieties sake) and Hervey was shocked to hear her declare“bef ore God” that she would bestow her f avours on no one but him. He rightly considered thatMadame Craze’s husband would suspect something was amiss when his dutif ul wif e suddenlyref used his demands in bed.

This was true, yet despite seething with suspicion Madame Craze’s husband had no actual proofof her indiscretions apart f rom a close call when he saw her kissing Hervey as they stood next toa horse.

Brimming with indignation the f urious spouse strode over to remonstrate. In a moment of quickthinking, Hervey placed a f ur muf f f rom the horses saddle in f ront of his crotch concealing thef act that he had been getting f ar more than a simple peck on the cheek.

Sulkily, the luckless cuckold returned to his lodgings.

Happy Memories.

Genoa 1755

Ah Genoa, its f amous lighthouse, its doctors who took care of Hervey’s hand when he punchedhis impertinent steward in the f ace and most delightf ully, Madame Brignole. She was young, rich and married (of course) but Hervey had set his sights upon her and had succeeded in enjoyingher f avours during numerous snatched moments.

That was not enough however and he insisted upon spending at least one f ull night with her andhang the risks.

Which is why af ter complaining of an eye inf ection during a soiree at which Hervey himself was aguest she retired to her darkened room to sleep alone. Hervey made his apologies to herhusband and the assembled company and lef t soon af ter, returning by an open window to burrowunder her bedclothes and wait f or everyone else to go to sleep.

The husband’s show of concern and f ascination

” What d o yo u think o f the se hand ke rchie fs myd e ar?..GOOD LORD!!”

The husband’s show of concern and f ascinationwith handkerchief s could have ruined everythingbut Madame Brignole pleaded that she was in toomuch discomf ort and insisted he leave her be. Hegraciously complied and Hervey graciously “lay tillnear daylight and performed wonders”

It ’s a man’s lif e in the Navy.

Roguish Note:

Hervey and Madame Brignole continued with this arrangement for several evenings. Hervey wouldoften spend hours motionless under the sheets while she entertained the dinner guests who herhusband insisted adjourn to her room so she would not miss out on the conversation.

“My d e ar s ir I can o nly b lame a faulty se xtant fo r this mo st unfo rtunate misund e rstand ing , I tho ug ht this was Po rtsmo uthHarb o r…are tho se Ind ian hand ke rchie fs?”