theedinburghrascal@gmail.com

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Front cover illustration by Kim Cruickshank.Check out her blog at http://kimcruickshank.blogspot.com/

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The [maga]zine is an inherentlyimplausible construct: fantasticaland intangible, a crush of what isultimately pulped wood stainedwith chemical darkness. Whilst anexplorative definition, this isunavoidably reductive. These pagescontain what could be called, a laEdison (1968:14), the 1% ofinvention alongside the 99% ofperspiration. That is to say thereis a 'simultaneity' of processes(part exertion, part stuntedgenius) soaked into the fabric andmeta­fabric of this "pseudo­laughical­muck­rag" (Debord,1969:32).

"Laughter is a psycho­spatialphenomenon" (Lefebvre 1972:04). Thisconceptual [re]framing of mirth issomething endemic in (and to) the

Rascal, with which it movestemporally forwards. The Rascal is a

product of 'Where?'; 'What?';"How?"; "When?"; "Why?" [and the

more populist]; "Huh?". The Rascalenables its participants [or, to use

the neo­Marxian idiom, its lumpenservice class] to develop what one

might call a sense of hyperawhereness, whilst being hyper­

awhere of sense.As such the Slippery Truth isbound in this wood pulp,[re]arranged ephemerally into aform which the eye at onceconsumes and is satisfied by, forthe pure purpose of plummetingthrough the proverbial abyss intothe sticky treacle of theontological pit. Positivist? No.

The satire held within thesepages is meaningless, but it ismeaningless to say it is without

meaning.

theedinburghrascal@gmail.com

1. Don’t talk about trainspotting.2. Choose life. This means maintaining a safedistance from trains in motion and notpublicising this new­found hobby, lest the‘haters’ hunt you down and stone you withballed­up, out­of­date train timetables andsoggy tuna sandwiches.3. Learn about trains. Having a miniature trackin your back garden doesn’t count. Nor does adissertation in your name about the secretmigration routes of slaves in the USA duringthe nineteenth century.4. Dress appropriately. The iconic anorak andhand­knitted hat are essential. High­visibilitywear is recommended, e.g. reflective jackets,nurave gear, sequinned mini­skirts etc.5. Know your tracks (the train routes, the beatsyou lay down, the ones up your arms, etc).Cover if necessary.6. Speaking of, pick a soundtrack to keep yourenergy up. ‘All Aboard’ by Chuck Berry, ‘FlyingScotsman’ performed by the Sidney TorchOrchestra, Woody Guthrie’s ‘Hobo’s Lullaby’and Biggie Small vs. Thomas the Tank Engineare a few of our favourite suggestions/personalfavourites.

7. Watch The Railway Children. Learn thecertain benefits of always wearing a redpetticoat for train­halting emergencies. Re­enact the ‘Daddy, my Daddy!’ scene at will forheartbreaking results.8. Send The Rt Hon Theresa Villiers MP somefan mail and hope that she’ll light a fire underEast Coast so that one day their vehicles mightmake their destination in time, saving you (andover­paying passengers) valuable time.9. In direct discordance of Rule 1., load yourselfwith as much photographic and recordingequipment as possible. If you are to keep yourwork for posterity, documentation is key. So beit if this means you are unable to run fromspeeding trains10. Scag first, questions later.Most importantly, remember this quote fromIrvine Welsh, founder and co­chair of the ETU(Edinburgh Trainspotters United):“People think it's all about misery anddesperation and death and all that shit which isnot to be ignored, but what they forget is thepleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. Afterall, we're not fucking stupid.”

Hi there! My name is Greg - though I get my friends to call me NigelGresley!!! I've been trainspotting for forty-two years now, and thought I'dshare some of my pearls of wisdom to all you aspiring Lovers of the Art ofSpotting!!!

Privatise Everything!After my upstart Frenchcousin upset these fine columninches last month, I am proud to beback writing my column ofreasonable discourse. This, I admit,is but a mere drop in the ocean,given the proliferation of wishywashy, left-wing detritus cloggingthe myriad media networks. Hand-wringing, sentimental brainwashedmorons, sobbing about the muchneeded carve up of the "dear oldNHS", whining about funding cutsto such venerable ancient institutesof learning such as CroydonUniversity or the Toxteth AcademyOf The Arts. For a start, the mythicvirtue of the NHS is bunk - ratherthan a grand old lady, it is moreso awizened old crone with bar-chartsand performance targets sproutingfrom its scabby arse. And as regardsthese risible so-called universities(in fact, glorified state subsidisedcommunity centres!), these areuseless for academic pursuits, unlessyou want to pursue made-up degreesin "Chaka Demus & Pliers PatoisStudies", or "Being a Grotty, Zitfaced Football Hooligan".But facetiousness aside,the coalition's leading lights aredoing a damn fine job in thesetimes of much needed austerity. TheThree Magnificent Marketeers -Andrew Lansley, Theresa May andDavid Willetts - are cutting throughthe chaff of the public sector with

admirable zeal. Firstly, Mr Lansley hasbeen attempting to put healthcare in thehands of those who understand it best -entrepreneurs! Those who understandthat one must use their own enterprise inorder to make the best of one's life.Health is a privilege, not a right, dearfriends! Keep those irritating riff rafftypes out of hospitals; they are merely asponge on our resources. That'll teachthem to be so wretchedly, irresponsiblypoor! Indeed, I can envisage somethingquite noble coming out of this proposalalso. Low income dregs, realising thattheir lives are a burden on our goodselves, will simply take their own lives.They've already quaffed a lifetime's worthof Benson & Hedges by the age of 30,eh? This neat act of proletarian hara kiriwould cream off the high unemploymentstatistics also.

Mrs. May's approach to thebloated P.C Plod sector is also instructive.For too long there have been instructionsimposed from on high about the nature of"law and order", often mitigated by thenamby pamby jurisprudence of theBrussels (Cock) Sprouts. If the richest

and most business savvy were toprovide the police service for theirlocal areas, they could tackle the mostinsidious of crimes, by coming downwith brass knuckles on the ASBO-Hoodie Mafiosos, with their illicitDruggeries and offensive shell-suits. Iam sure the Kentish silent majorityare with me on this! For some of thewhite collar crime, of course theremust be COMMON SENSE applied.Solve problems with a gentlemanlyhandshake, and perhaps a brownenvelope to boost the local CrimePrevention PLC's net profit. Andshould a Lord of the Realm murder awhore, it has to (of course) be viewedas a minor indiscretion! There is noroom in our overcrowded jails forWELL BRED PEOPLE!Finally, David "The WildWinking Wonderous Whizzkid Wizard"Willetts is proving a menace to thatcabal of sociologists and bureaucratswho clog up our once (in the middleages) venerable university system. Wemust return to the elite nature ofthese institutions as they once existed- to train the best and the brightest inthe finest traditions of marketing andmanagement consultancy which havebeen a bulwark between Britain andthe barbarian hordes without for atleast a 1,000 years. We must riseagain to the top of the universityleague tables and prove that the Yanksare still the spittle on our intellectualboots - more MBAs and less MFAS, forGod's sake!Lest I be accused of beinga cruel-hearted old traditionalist, I doindeed think that some of the bizarreidiot-savants of the lower orders beincluded in this new fold. We need amodicum of the muck in eliteinstitutions - they may be poked andprodded for our amusement, used as ahuman piñata, or ritually buggered(again, a tradition that has been sorelylost!). Such methods, of course,reinforce the class bindings whichsome have worked so hard toeviscerate......  EXCELSIOR!

The Glorious Three MusketeersJIF GHK