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PENCE KOZIARSKI

SUMMER SOLSTICE 2015

Kid-Friendly Version

Let’s be clear about this from the start: I love her. If I’m going to tell this story, I have to speak frankly. Y’all might not like me or her at different points in the story, but it’s time to tell things the way they are. Just remember, I loved her before and I still do ... after. Maybe even more.

AAAAAAargh!

OW, Dangit! {Sob!}

We haven’t been doing this long, but we’re figuring it out. It’s like when we were first married, or when the girls were born.

It seems like it’s this way with lots of intense things in life; the ones that really matter are the ones that you can never really be prepared for. The shock wears off quickly and you either learn to cope ...

You realize, Larry, that I’ve got NOTHING to wear to work tomorrow!

Literally!

... or go down swinging.

Did I freakin’ stutter? Do you

think I’m just speaking Without thinking?

I’m completely out of work clothes! They’re all torn!

totally blown apart! Shoes, skirts, tops, drawers! What a week!

grrrah!

Really? That was the

end of it?

Larry, I swear. Think about this practically!

... I ...

out!

Larry

just

This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. It’s not Dangerous, And by now I know better than to let her rages hurt my feelings. It’s just big emotions and a lot of buttkicking strength behind Them. We’re going to be all right. It’s getting expensive, but we’ll figure something out.

Right now, we’re focusing on one thing at a time, hoping Bridget has a job to go back to tomorrow -- and something to wear if she does.

... Aw, Dangit! ...glpph!...glpph!

Dangit!

get out!{snrk} Maybe you--

I guess I need to call a contractor tomorrow, too.

fine then. I’m ordering

a pizza.

You want some? I’m getting spinach and

meatballs and hot peppers and ... ah ... mushrooms ... and ...

bacon and tomatoes and ...

‘es p’eashe.

Mommy - whoa!

Oh ... I had an accident. A big chunk

of hair got caught in ... something. I’ll trim it into shape before bed.

What’s up with your

hair?! Jane,look at that!

I like your hair like that.

It makes you look tough.

Oh REally, Darling?

Yeah, It gives you big

muscles.

But what was that noise? It shook the whole

house! Oh, shoot. I’m sorry to wake you -- The noise was ... uh ...

well ... Honestly? Okay, Sally, Jane, here’s the deal:

Mommy gotfrustrated and

punched a hole in the shower.

{sigh}{sigh}

Now, that’s not a good way to handle frustration, and now the

shower is going to be hard to fix, and Mommy learned a lesson. Everybody makes mistakes.

Don’t worry too much about it. Go on back to bed.

Can we see?!

You punched a hole in the

shower?!

Good. No point making excuses or trying

to lie to them. Are we ready to tell them the

whole story?

Yes. Let’s. If we don’t tell them, they’re going to hear

about it.

OK. So girls, check it out:

MY-ATL TV NOW Exclusive Footage

... Police officials say the gunmen havehostages inside and --

Oh Mommy, I don’t want to see anything scary!

It’s okay, Sal. Nobody gets hurt ...

not bad.

{ }

{ }

MY-ATL TV NOW Exclusive Footage

MY-ATL TV NOW -- Bridget Primavera Reporting

One of ‘em’s coming out!

He’s got a hostage!

Oh no you didn’t ... you miserable

{beep!}

?

{beep} Standoff my {beep}! Ya Buncha

{Beep} Cops! Let me show you How This is going

Down. {beep}!

dude...

Gunmen Issued Demands ... Police Standoff ... Hostages Inside

Batter UP!

ATl P.D. Just gonna let those

animals point a gun ... a GUN at

A CHILD?!

Right. I’m Going

In there to wrap this

up. Okay, you Cops, Problem solved.

Geez.

Hey Lady! You can’t

Just---

That’s What I’m Talking

About!

dangit!

Ouch!

... and i am seriously about daggum fed up

with this ...

... medieval torture device

BRA!BRA!

You want me To “Take ‘em downtown and book ‘em” Too, Ya

buncha ...

OW!OW!

{

Wow. That Was Intense. You

Okay, Darlin’?

I Gotta be honest; I don’t

really have a frame of reference for

anything like this.

I heard that.

MY-ATL TV NOW’s own Bridget Primavera apprehends bank robbers

Police Official: Primavera’s actions “may be illegal.”

Accused robber claims injuries.

F{beep}ing f{beep}!

How about that, Chip? My-ATL TV Now’s weekday consumer reporter, Bridget Primavera, was in the right place at the right time to foil an attempted bank robbery in midtown today!

Dramatic stuff, Lynn. but everybody’s okay?

Everybody except the would-be robbers ... and Bridget’s hair!

Would you look at that! It’s just hanging off the bumper! Maybe she can do a segment on short hair-dos for us later in the week.

Ha ha! Good one, Chip!

Well ... Yes. Well now. She seems Very ... Athletic.

Yeah ... Uh, We’ll Be back right after this.

Yaaaaa!

... AAaaweSOME!Uh ... So, ah ...

Wow. That’s more than I knew before! I guess we really are faced with a

bigger problem than what you’re going to wear to

work tomorrow, huh?

Easy! Easy! You win,

“Riot Grrrl!”

oh Yeah!

Tickle Fight!

Get Him!

Get ME!

We’ll get you,

you monkey!

Yaaaaa!

But let’s start at the beginning. By this time Bridget and I had already known about her ... changes for a couple days.

It!

Oh That’s

It!

You’ve got even bigger

problems!

We moved right after Halloween, and poor Bridget was kinda sick in those days. Now we under-stand why. It’s funny to think that at the time I had to do the heavy lifting.

... in welcoming Bridget Primavera to

the MY-ATL TV NOW team, covering consumer and family stories

designed to help YOU.

... here with Chef Suzy Green

from TV’s Cheftastic, and Chef, you say you

do most of your family’s shopping

here?

Well, if I want it fresh, that’s right Bridget!

neighborhood specialty grocers and carnicerias are a great place

to find the freshest produce, locally raised meat, andreally great prices.

... as our little holiday present, we’ll be giving free vaccinations to-day and tomorrow until

7:00 p.m., including Chickenpox and

flu shots ...

We had come from a pretty small market in Durham, where Bridget got her first job right out of school. She pitched this great idea for a productive, helpful family-minded segment to the station in Atlanta.

She’s such a do-gooder at heart.

She was doing exactly what she wanted to do: working on TV, helping ordinary families get Through their lives a little easier.

Of course, there are always slow news days. Like this one, back on February 2. Groundhog Day.

Marmot? Isn't a groundhog a

rodent?

... Georgia’s own answer to

Punskatawny Phil -- Punsk -- crap!

PUNX A TAWNY. PUNX A TAWNee. PUNX A TAWNY ...

Backupinunderthere stupid Demorest County somewhere to pay a visit to Georgia’s own answer

to the unbelievably AWESOME ...

{Ahem}

What's the difference?

You're on for five bucks. Have we got time for

me to take a crap?

Hurry it shall be!

Brighid? BriD-Jet, yeah. That's me. Happy Groundhog's day. Can I get you an

autograph?

You know me, Brighid. I'm the

Cailleach. Excuse me?

Punxatawny Phil, weather-forecasting

marmot extra- ordinaire!”

Prolly twenty minutes before I need you. Hold

it or hurry.

“We’re stuck in

Bet me, Dave. Bet me thirty bucks that it's a rodent and not a marmot.

Bet me!

I don't know. Don't care. This is boring and crappy

and early and cold. Bet me.

There you are, Brighid ...

{gngg--}

... I’ve been looking for

you.

EX-CUSE me?!

“Too long have I been forced to carry the load unbalanced. It is time for you to prepare to assist me.”

“I did the work of creating the land....”

“... You made it fecund.”

“I remove the weak and unwell who cannot survive in a cold, cruel world. When I take the weak, they do not suffer unduly, they do not weaken the family with distractions.”

“You make a warm, kind world. You teach how the weak may grow Strong, how the unwell can heal, how the family might be joyful and increase.”

{koff} {koff} {koff}

“Your absence these few years has things out of balance. I take the weak and the strong grow ever stronger.”

“But their increase has been unchecked by compassion or righteousness.”

“Now it is the strong who care for the weak -- As livestock are cared for, Exploited and consumed.”

“The weak live in fear: fear for their health and money, fear of discomfort, fear of each other.”

Are you ready, Dear? We need you back.

Are you ready, Dear? We need you back.

I ... remember.

I’m ready.

Hey, lady!Hey, lady! I don’t know what you’re--

It’s okay, Dave. I promise. She was just ...

she’s actually a ... an aunt of mine. She was just helping

me with a wardrobe malfunction.

Oh my heavens! Land’s sakes! I can’t

imagine what that must have looked like,

young man!

Just a little field-tailoring! I’m so sorry for what you think you saw! Seriously, Dave.

It’s Aunt Callie. She’s cool.

“Aunt Callie,” huh? Well, if Bridget

says it’s cool, it’s cool.

great day! Is there Any

Coffee Up in this joint?

I’ve been going on Alone too long, Dear Heart. I need

rest. I will need to --

Say no more. We have a guest room. My familywill help you

recover.

But what do I do now?

You’ll soon see. Take your time. You always have

choices.

I’m watchin’ you.

Of course you are.

So, at first, I thought it was just strange that we were putting up this “long-lost aunt” in our spare room. But it got stranger.

Well, of course it got stranger.

“Aunt Callie” slept non-stop. Like, never woke up. For three days. she didn’t eat or drink or go to the can. She smelled. And of course, this all took some explaining to the girls. And at this point, I still didn’t know the whole deal.

We told the girls that the old lady was Bridget’s aunt and that she needed our help. That’s pretty much all Bridget told me for a while. So here we are, hosting a half-dead homeless lady. Okay. Whatever.

SCRAM you little monkeys!

Go set the table or something! You’re

underfoot!

But sooner or later, things need to be explained.

What?

Didn't that

hurt?!

Hmm. Yeah. It did, but I did it anyhow. It wasn't

bad...

Wasn’t BAd?!

...that’s weird. Hey, wait a minute. I’ve got

an idea.

Bridget? Wait.

Bridget!

ohmygosh!Ha ha!

Check this out.

Ow. Okay. Yep. That hurt a little.

So ... How about that?

{Oh boy}

Everything’s okay in here, Girls!

Uh ... Don’t worry about it! Huh?

Daddy!

What did you say?

Daddy!

Oh, girls, Daddy hit his

head. He’s okay.

Wha? Ohh, man. Uggghhh.

Whoa! Easy there, Big fella!

Yeah, Okay.

Will Breakfast be ready soon?

Yes, dear.

Honey! What in the ever-

loving heck?

I know, right?

That was crazy! Wow! CHOP! Look at this knife!

Henkels my butt!

Sally! Put Those

down!

But I’m Just--

But nothing! Put 'em down. Get your own! Mine are too sharp for you

kids and too nice foryou to dull up!

Honey? Put what down? The girls are in the other

room.

Oh, she was going to cut paper with my good

sewing scissors and--

Now Go play, please.

Hang on --

How did You Know...?

Sally! Were you messing with

your mother’s good scissors?

Jeez, Dad. Yeah. I’m

sorry, okay!?

Over the weekend, we figured it out: She knew when kids were in trouble and she could just kinda move and act without having to think about it, do crazy things that normal people couldn’t do. But somehow she didn’t think twice about it.

Yeah-heah!Yeah-heah!

Go Girl! Woo!

Yuss

!

Despite the fact that “Riot Grrrl” was a pretty great name, there was no going in the classic super-hero direction. Any chance of a “secret identity” was shot. And anyhow, she hates comics.

Whatever. Her “gifts” came with a price. Can you imagine how many calories it takes to lift a car over your head? Her body seemed indestructible, but -- well, I said I’d give it to you straight ...

I don’t know. I’m a dude. I’m just saying ...

... I don’t know anything about what women go through. All I know is if she was going to “power up” or whatever we were going to call it ...

... there was a hormonal surge or something. Look, I’m a good feminist. I don’t want to talk about PMS or whatever, but somtimes ...

... Uh, Okay?Hands

off!

... Sometimes being around her was a wild ride. How about that?

whoa, careful! I’m gonna fall down --

mmmph.

Anyhow, She Always felt the side effects if she did “power up” or whatever....

Oh crap.

I’m Walkin’

Here!

... So As a consequence, Bridget only used her “gifts” when she needed to. But the strange thing was ...

... suddenly, she had all these hunches.

Little intuitive flashes would interrupt her while she was driving around town, working, just wherever she was. And she always found somebody to help -- someone who needed her help.

Okay! Okay! I’ve had

enough!

So I guess that gets us caught up.

STupid Pizza Drivers Never Check A

Map.

So it begins. You have a choice, Dear. You’ll always have a

choice.

Aunt Callie! Good to see

you up!“Aunt Callie!” Is everything

okay?

Whew. Haw haw haw. Ho ho. Whew.

Hi, AuntCallie!

You have A Choice.

Hello?

Yes sir. Well, I guess that’s to

be expected.

Wow, cool! But Can we do it at noon? I need to buy some

new clothes.

uh ... Why not? Jeans and a T-shirt

then! See you at lunchtime.

Well, the network saw the footage.

The bosses are interested in a reality series.A meeting tomorrow. We’ll talk

about things. You know how it is, darling. They’re buying lunch.

It is an opportunity, but

there are opportunities in silence as well.

What?! Who asked you? Do you even know that my wife is a professional television journalist?What this means to her career?

}

Y’a

ll H

ush!

I know, Honey. It’s got to be hard for you to understand,

but I trust her. I know what she means -- beyond her

words. I get it.

Well, whatever. Congrats,

Babe.

Thanks, man. And I know where you’re coming

from, too. Like she said, “choices.” It’s just a meeting. We’ll take it

from there, right?

Yeah, all right.

I’m sorry, Aunt Callie. I was

just a little-- Of course, Lawrence. Of course. I am not offended.

Not at all.

... But if I remember correctly, Ladies Sally and

Jane were being hardened for combat ... Being taught

the deadly, sacred arts of

Ticklecraft!

yeah?

yeah.

There she is! Bridget Primavera! Welcome!Can’t tell you how excited we are!

Cute hairdo, kid!

Thanks, thanks! This is exciting for me, too! Honestly,

I wasn’t sure I’d have a job

today!

Ow! My hand! Fellas! She’s a

killer!

Yeah, ho ho! Watch out for me! YEAH!

Let's do this thing.

crak}

All Right People, Let’s Do

this thing!

Lammas 2015(that’s August 1)