funniest

from

quotes

the andpoems

alright...

Ricky: Why are you so annoyed that people want to live a little bit longer?

Karl: Because enoughs enough is what I’m sayin’. The worlds’ the same it‘s just gettin’ old and ya know it used to have more green on it but now its gone a bit bald so it hasn‘t got enough green, its got more soil.

Treat the world like a head.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: That’s an amazing quote.

Steve: ‘Treat the world like a head.’

Ricky: You‘ve actually come up with one there.

treat the

worldlike a

head

Treat the world like a head

Ricky: Would Suzanne like some art? ‘Suzanne’s not allowed to watch telly if it’s her favourite thing otherwise she’s got to talk to me about stuff.’ There‘s no art, there’s no point. Just wallpaper.

Karl: I’m just sayin’ we‘ve got three windows we can look out of.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Right. Stop lookin! at the walls, look out the window.

Ricky laughs

Stop lookin! at the walls, look out the window

stop lookin!

at the

walls,look out

the

window

Karl: So…

Ricky: What do you mean, “I don’t know if I can get anything out of that”? You don’t need to!

Karl: No, it’s, it’s just that…

Ricky: Where did you read that?

Karl: That was on the Internet.

Ricky: Oh! Well, yeah.

Karl: Ahm…

Steve: Y—you’re always unspeci—unspecific when you mention it, it’s just, “It was on the Internet.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I’m trying to think what I put in, I think I put in !Why! to see if I!d

confuse the computer.

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Karl: And then…

Ricky: Karl! You are…!

Karl: No, I did a…

Ricky: No, honestly!

I put in why to see if l could confuse the computer

why

Ricky: What’s weird about it, what’s strange about an octopus with all the things that could...

Steve: What could be weirder than a dog?

Karl: Because it couldn’t be further away from us.

A dog has go human eyes

Ricky laughs

Karl: If a jellyfish, honestly, if a jellyfish had a pair of eyes like ours, I’d prob ably wouldn’t worry about him that much. But like I said to you, it’s that way that they haven’t got eyes, they’re floating about. I can handle some fish, they look like us, they’ve got eyes, you can make eye to eye contact with ‘em. A jellyfish, what are you lookin’ at? It’s a snidey thing that I’ve said to ya. You can see a lot in eyes, do ya know what I mean, they say don’t trust him, why? It’s his eyes. Jellyfish haven’t even got any and I don’t trust ‘em. Where if it had ’em, maybe there’d be the odd one that I’d go,’ Ah that one’s alright.’

A dog has got human eyes

dave

A dog has got human eyes

Karl: No, it’s just, you think about it you go, ‘Oh I couldn’t do that,’ but what they don’t mention on the TV programme - which I think takes it to the next level, right - is that they’re eating that stuff at, like, half past seven in the morning - which is worse, innit? If I was there and Ant and Dec said, ‘Right Karl, eat the knob’ I’d go, ‘Hang on a minute. Give us a few hours. Let me get some rice and that in me belly and just sort of fill myself up a little bit more. I’ll pop back at about half six this evening - have it ready.’ And I’d be happier then.

Steve: You don’t want to eat animals’ private parts on an empty stomach?

Ricky: So what are you saying?

Karl: I’m saying l could eat a knob at night.

Ricky: Just cut that there. We’ll loop that. If any DJs are listening, just take that quote ‘I could eat a knob at night’ by Karl Pilkington and maybe do a dance remix.

Steve: Yes, maybe you are a house music producer and you could maybe get some high energy beat going and then we could send out that out to some of the gay clubs. I’m sure it would be really popular.

12

3

6

9

12

457

8

1011

the elephant man

I could eata knob at night

I could eat a knob at night

Dead artists! work shoots up in price

So am I then wrong to surmise

That the value of our flat will increase

If our painter and decorator dies

I don!t know how to rest my ears

They both sit there listening in

It could be worse

I could have four

Just like a Siamese twin

(Saying that, with four ears there!s

No chance of over-sleeping.))

There!s nout there

Lots of smoke and strange folk

Regular laughing at his own jokes

Dog on a rope

Fruit machine broke

Old man in a corner who never spoke

It would be spiteful

To put jellyfish in a trifle

!!Cavemen were stupid!! is what some say

But they created the wheel and fire

I!ve just paid 49 pounds for heating this month

And 38 quid for a new tyre!

Who!s stupid again??

In 1905 Einstein

Came up with E = mc squared

Yet in 2008 British Gas

Still can!t get my boiler repaired

Archimedes said !!Eureka!!!”With no hot water... I reeka!

Bubbled wallpaper,,what a mess.

Washer dryer knackered,,what a mess.

Siamese twins seperated,,one leg less.

Bank holiday Monday

Bank holiday mundane

No shops open

Plenty of rain

If moths had eyes, would they be happier??

How do they know they!re not dead??

Cavemen hunting for food

But not before they style the hair on their head

What would last longer in dinosaur times??

A blind man didn!t stand a chance

Not with all them rocks about

Id rather be a blind moth

I don!t like jellyfish,,they!re not a fish,,they!re just a blob.

They don’t have eyes,,fins or scales like a cod.

They float about blind, stinging people in the seas,,And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas.

Get rid of !em.

Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke,Who looked like Mr Burns from 'The Simpsons!.',

Don!t know what was wrong with him,,But breaking wind was the symptoms.

No one visited him or called him.

He seemed quite lost to me.

As well as wind problems,,He had a colostomy.

When I left,,I said ”see ya”"to the old man.

Turned out the other fella wasn!t Chinese,He was from Japan.

I never found out what was up with him.

For God!s sake, me belly ache

The doctor said it!s me kidney

He said he!s got to stick a tube up me knob

I said you got to be kidding me

For God!'sake, knob ache.

To save space in the seas

Nature made fish into amputees

Now sea levels are rising but I won!t complain

Cos this gives fish room to grow limbs back again

And I!m really looking forward

To when this time comes

To eating fish legs lightly sprinkled

In golden breadcrumbs

Thousands of sheep fed up,

So they jumped off cliff into bay.

They shouldn't survive,

But it just goes to show,

Where there's wool there's a way

Rome wasn!t built in a day,,It just looks that way.

alright...

words by Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant & Karl PilkingtonIllustrations by Chris Anderson