STILLNESS IN MOTION

Carol Kurtz Walsh

“Learning how to be still, to really be still and let life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance.” Morgan Freeman

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For me the last two months of any year are filled with intensity and stress. Not only are there several major holidays, but those months contain multiple family birthdays. By the time the last week in December rolls around, I often feel spent. As much as I enjoy family get-togethers, I can hardly wait to attend my yearly five-day silent meditation retreat. During these quiet meditative days, I calm and heal my tired mind, body and spirit. Once again I connect to my inner self, so much so that I even remember deeply significant dreams. But, in the end I always ask myself, why is it so difficult to hold this inner stillness, this self-awareness in the face of busyness and stress?

Many of us struggle with this question. How do we maintain inner stillness while also being emotionally and physically present in the throws of our stress-filled lifestyles? I frequently look for answers to these difficult questions by observing nature. One helpful observation was watching the hawks glide effortlessly on the airwaves, while hovering just above a grove of trees. I focused my attention on one hawk that appeared motionless, despite the fact that it was maintaining height in a powerful wind. Its wings, suspended at an angle to the stiff winds, appeared not to move. It was a perfect picture of stillness in motion – symbolic of a powerful, yet still, way to be in the face of life’s stiff winds.

To be able to rise above life’s forces, to see life from a broader perspective, to float with the wind while maintaining even a small degree of tranquility and stillness, would be a wonderful antidote to our stressful existence. However, being like a hawk and serenely floating through life feels difficult when our world is constantly in flux. But, if we could maintain inner stillness, even while witnessing the tornadoes of life, it would actually help us feel less out-of-control and at the mercy of what surrounds us. It would also help us feel more empowered.

Many people are feeling out of control, and then struggling with the feelings

this brings up, such as anxiety, depression, fear, or fatigue. It doesn’t matter what causes the stress. It could be illness, financial problems, nature’s wrath, relationship struggles, death of a loved one, or just the holidays and trying to do too much. Sadly, stress is often seen as a necessary evil of life. And when we experience others feeling stressed, we seem to absorb it through a kind of emotional osmosis.

Change is constant. What makes being still difficult is that everything is

always changing. Unfortunately we try to avoid this fact by either controlling

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what we can, or pretending we have control even when it isn’t possible. We have negative feelings about change because we fear that we cannot meet the demands placed on us by a particular change, or even worse, that we are in danger. We react by preparing to “fight or flee.” We resist. We try to control. And our minds and bodies react accordingly. If we continually experience our lives as stressful, our bodies begin to break down and we become ill.

Everyone experiences stress. Even positive change, such as getting married

or moving to a new, exciting location can be stressful – particularly when we are expecting a lot of ourselves, or feel that others are expecting perfection. In this fast-paced, stress-filled environment, we all feel the pressure of day-to-day living. Unfortunately, the Washington, D.C. area is considered to be one of the most stressful areas in the United States. Furthermore, if the world tension and the changes in the environment continue in the direction they appear to be headed, we are in for a stress-filled ride.

As I said in my article published in the spring 1999 issue of “Pathways”

(from which some of this article is taken) “….research has shown that stress plays havoc with our emotional and physical selves. The mind/body connection is real. If our lives are stressful, than our emotions and our bodies – central nervous system, muscles, and the various organs – react accordingly. Our immune system is compromised thus we are more vulnerable to illness. Our muscles tighten and we are more prone to muscular or skeletal injury.” Our blood pressure rises, our hearts beat faster, and more cholesterol is sent into the bloodstream to heal any potential wounds. And then since we are often in denial about the dangers of stress, we do nothing to alter the circumstances or the effects of stress. Instead we focus on just getting through each day by “holding on with our fingernails”. We assume that we will somehow escape the many negative effects of our intense stress.

Our tendency is to often ignore the internal signals letting us know the

mind/body connection is real. However, when we think about it we know, through daily experiences, that there is a powerful mind/body connection. For example, when we watch a lovemaking scene in a movie we can become sexually aroused, yet no one is touching us. Or when we think of our favorite food we salivate or develop a craving, even though there is no real food in front of us. Or when we remember something frightening from the past we may again experience the fear in our gut, even though we are now safe. Despite the fact that none of these experiences are real, we experience them as though they are. Likewise, when we

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experience emotional/mental stress or tension, we become anxious, depressed, develop high blood pressure, migraines, and on and on

For many of us stress leads to a breakdown, and for each person the part that

breaks and when it breaks is different. Instead of being annoyed when our bodies or emotions collapse, it is helpful to see them as barometers, and realize their signals are indicators letting us know that something in our world needs to be attended to. If we listen to our bodies and emotions, we will be told when we need to adjust something to lessen the stress. However, many of us forget to listen and instead ignore the warning signs until it is too late. If only we could listen to our internal signals and do as Morgan Freeman says. If we could learn “…. how to be still, to really be still and let life happen, that stillness would become radiance.”

Dr. Richard Lazarus, who researches stress at the University of California,

as quoted by Jan Kabat-Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living, defines stress as “a particular relationship between the person and the environment that is appraised by the person as taxing or exceeding his or her resources and endangering his or her well-being.” This is important, for if we experience our emotional or physical environment as containing something that is extremely challenging, and beyond our capabilities to handle, stress is created. If we use Dr. Lazarus’s definition and also assume that most of us cannot shift our environment to be totally non-taxing, the next most effective thing to do is to shift our perspective – our attitude about our resources or capabilities. The key word in Dr. Lazarus's definition is “appraised.”

The important issue here is that stress occurs when we perceive our lives as

taxing. This reminds me of a cute story. My five year old grandson Jace and his family were all gathered around the dinner table. With his plate full of good food, and everyone enjoying the pleasant family gathering, he loudly pouted, “You don’t understand how difficult my life is!” Clearly at that moment Jace perceived his life to be difficult. Most likely he would have rather been playing with his toys.

After that event, I now find myself trying to integrate my grandson’s

comment into my life, in a positive way. For example the other day my computer’s modem broke. Because I depend on my internet connection I felt very frustrated. Then I said out loud to no one in particular, “You don’t understand how difficult my life is.” Then I laughed. For making a joke of it helped me realize what a small thing this was, for I could easily cope with the issue. It was in fact, not taxing. Wouldn’t it be great if we could see our world as non-taxing, and

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as not endangering our well-being? Wouldn't it be great if we could trust that we had enough resources and capabilities to cope with any situation?

This is a tall order. I can imagine many of you saying that your life

circumstances are not within your control and are therefore taxing and stressful. You may be struggling with major life stressors such as illness, conflict in your primary relationship, or perhaps being laid off from your job. Yet, two people struggling with the same issue or circumstance can deal with it differently. I know two women who developed cancer and approached their cancer with divergent attitudes and thus had very diverse experiences. The first woman became highly stressed because she saw the cancer as an enemy that took over her life and body. She saw it as signaling the end of her life. She wouldn't talk about it, was constantly anxious, and in addition to the chemotherapy, had to be on anti-depressants. The other woman was able to experience her cancer symbolically. She saw the incidence of cancer as an opportunity to learn and in turn she changed her life. The first woman suffered terribly and the stress she experienced was intolerable. The second woman, although she admitted to being fearful at times, was also able to say to me, “The years since my encounter with cancer have been some of the best years of my life.” When she said this to me many years ago, I had no concept of why or how she could say such a thing. Perhaps, in the face of her illness, she was able to be still and thus appreciate each moment of her life to the fullest.

Time and time again I am a witness to these contrasting stories. For

example, Tim lost his job and sat around the house feeling as though he had been robbed of self-worth and his identity. However, when Jerry lost his job, he used the opportunity to move to a new and more desirable area of the country where he found an even better job. In another example, Janet’s husband had an affair and left her for another woman. Having never worked and with two children to care for, Janet fell into a deep depression. Annette, on the other hand, encountered the identical situation and decided that she would apply for a student loan and finish her college education. Despite her anger, fear, and sadness, she also saw the opportunity. She finished her degree and is now happily remarried. She admits that, although she felt scared at the time, she decided to make the most of it. Now she actually feels thankful to her former husband for “waking her up,” (something she never thought she would feel), because it forced her out of her emotionally dependent state and put her in the position of having to move on with her life.

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Being still in the face of a crisis does not mean we should be in denial. However, it does help if we can be like the hawk, see things from a broader perspective and not get tangled up in the tree of life.

Perhaps a metaphor will help in picturing the concept of stillness in motion.

Imagine a giant clock. You are very, very small, and sitting on the tip of the hour hand that is slowly moving around the clock. Now, imagine shifting your seat to the minute hand, causing you to move around the center of the clock a little faster. Now you are having trouble holding on. Finally, see yourself shifting to the tip of the second hand. Its very rapid movement causes you to hang on for dear life, as you whip wildly around the center of the clock. You are feeling powerless in the face of such speed. Now imagine that the second hand you are clinging to hits the number twelve, you slide down the hand to the center of the clock. Once at the center you can sit still and rest. Having moved to the center of the clock, you have reached the stillpoint. From this perspective, you can see all three hands moving past you at various speeds. From this center point, you can witness the passing of time and yet remain still. Now, try meditating on resting at this stillpoint. Experience what that feels like in your mind, body and spirit.

In our crazy lives, we often feel like we are on the second hand of the clock,

spinning around with the greatest possible speed, as though every second counts. We whirl around, getting caught up in the motion and the resultant emotion. Have you ever been in a small boat in rocky waters? Did you notice how, if you kept your eye on the shoreline – an immoveable stillpoint – that you do not get seasick? We often forget to keep an eye on our inner shoreline and then we lose our emotional, spiritual selves, our physical well-being.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., in his book, Full Catastrophe Living, cites a study

done by Dr. Aaron Antonovsky, of people who had experienced major stress in their lives – such as the prisoners in the Nazi concentration camps. Dr. Antonovsky found that the people who survived such stress had a sense of “coherence about the world and themselves.” He characterized this coherence as consisting of three important components – comprehensibility, manageability, and meaningfulness.

Comprehensibility means that no matter what happens to us we can make

sense of it. It means that no matter how awful, how catastrophic the event, we can develop some healthy theory as to why it occurred. The theory cannot include self-blaming or shaming, but one that enables us to see the stressful event as

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enlightening and/or symbolic. To be comprehensible, we must be able to understand the event within the context of our lives, and see the situation as a lesson we can learn from, or as a call to make some positive change.

We can compare comprehensibility in life to comprehending a sentence.

For a sentence to be comprehensible, we must understand what each word symbolizes, how each word fits into that particular sentence, and then what that sentence means in the context of the paragraph. For an event to be comprehensible, we need to understand each of the emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual meanings, and then relate them to the rest of our lives. It is helpful to ask ourselves, what does this stressful time mean in relationship to all aspects of our existence?

Manageability means that no matter what the circumstances, we believe in

ourselves enough to know that we can deal with it. That does not mean we can handle it perfectly, or without a struggle or pain, but that we can get through it. Young professional mothers struggle with this issue. They often feel pulled in multiple directions by the needs of multiple people. Their stress levels are out of sight because they aren’t sure they can handle all of the elements they need to cope with. Our culture certainly does not give the support they need and deserve, plus extended families are rarely close at hand. So these professional mothers often end up feeling alone in their stress-filled circumstances.

The third element is meaningfulness. That is, we hold the belief that no

matter what happens we can discover some purpose and meaning in our circumstances. However, we must dedicate ourselves to the process required to move through it. Just like Jerry who lost his job, or Annette whose husband left her, we need to believe that we can use every stressful event as a lesson, as something to propel us to a higher level, adding to our understanding of our life’s purpose. This even applies to facing our own death – something that is often seen as the ultimate stressor and yet certainly an event that could be seen as the ultimate meaningful occurrence.

In order to have a sense of this all-important attitude of coherence, and in

order to see any situation as comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful, we need to be able to see life from the perspective of the witness – to see life from the stillpoint within ourselves. We can practice being like the hawk – seeing everything from a calm perspective and yet ready to take action. Witnessing our lives from that inner stillpoint helps us comprehend what is happening to us,

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allows us to hold the belief that whatever is occurring is manageable, and to have an awareness of its meaning to us.

I have just read Escape by Carolyn Jessop, who was able to be a soaring

hawk in the face of horrific circumstances. Carolyn was born into a polygamist, family, who lived in the FLDS community, (Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints, a radical offshoot of the Mormon Church). At the age of 18 she was forcibly ordered, by the commands of the church Prophet, to marry a 50-something year old man. She became one of her husbands several wives. During her “captivity”, she and her children were victims of deprivation, as well as emotional and physical abuse. She, as well as other women in the community, often felt powerless to change their highly controlled and monitored circumstances. As Carolyn moved out of shock and sadness, she was able to focus on her life from a broader perspective, and slowly and sometimes secretly, acquire an education. After much silent, cautious planning and after 15 years of marriage she fled in the middle of the night with eight children, one of whom was disabled. She had no money and only a few items of clothing for herself and her children. Despite all of her hardships, she eventually recreated a new life for herself and her children. And, through her writings and reports to Utah’s Attorney General, she helped create the case against the abusive leader Warren Jeffs, who was later brought to justice and sentenced. In the worst of circumstances, Carolyn was able to maintain an inner stillness, created by her ability to see her life as comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful. And, in the end she aided many women in the FLDS community.

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What makes the difference? Why can some people move past a tough spot in life – one that certainly has the potential to be very stressful – and others cannot? Some of the answer lies in our childhood role models, as well as how we were parented. As children we watched how our parents coped with stress and since they were our primary models for behavior, we adopted their patterns. If our parents panicked, or became paranoid when something difficult happened, we as adults will tend to have the same response. On the other hand, if our parents were calm, positive, and optimistic and saw the gift in all things, we will be able to deal more easily with life’s stressors. Additionally, if as children we felt anxious about something and our parents helped us work through our fears, we will have been taught effective coping mechanisms.

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There is another illustrative story about Jace, my five year old grandson. Because his school was closed for the day, he needed to go to the children’s drop-in center. Jace was upset by this prospect and in a conversation with his parents he went through all of his objections – such as not wanting to do the introductions and disliking the rest time. His parents patiently helped him work through the issues, by giving him concrete suggestions. Yet, he still was not satisfied. Finally he said, “The problem is, it is just not structured”. For a five year old that was an astute observation, for we all want structure because it brings with it a sense of control and safety. By being able to label and discuss his concerns, they were alleviated. Talking to children, helping them verbalize their fears and concerns, and then suggesting appropriate coping mechanisms, reduces their anxiety and creates inner stillness.

Even if our parents were not effective in helping us cope, we can alter or

enhance the way we deal with our stress-filled lives. So, how can we ever accomplish this? How can we, as mature adults, raise our awareness, our consciousness, to move past old defense patterns, past our fears, and become a witness to life? How can we become a witness from a stillpoint and at the same time be active and involved in life?

The stillpoint is always present within each of us. It is just a matter of

accessing it. Think of it as being located somewhere just beneath the navel, toward the base of the spine. Think of it as an interior container that holds an abundance of energy and possibilities. When we allow ourselves to observe life from this inner stillpoint, we are also able to witness life from a higher perspective – from a higher plane. It allows us to see all there is to see. It means rising above things – not in an arrogant or disassociated way, but from a perspective that allows us to see our connection to all things. When we experience that energetic connection to all things, we can more easily comprehend, manage, and create meaning from all that happens to us.

To become a witness from the stillpoint, we first need to connect to that

stillpoint within ourselves, and then experience ourselves as a witness to all that is. From the perspective of the witness, we can rise above life and see an overview, keeping us from being sucked into the quagmire of hourly, daily, yearly stress. Becoming a witness to life’s movement, challenges, and moments of struggle, can give us a feeling of equanimity. Sharon Saltzberg, in her tape on “Equanimity” from the series of “Insight Meditation” tapes, describes equanimity as “a state of balance,” of “poise,” a “calmness of mind and heart,” and “wise attention.” She

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talks about the action associated with equanimity as being open and connected, yet “not lost in reaction.”

I would compare this action/inaction of equanimity to what happens when

we are meditating. When we begin to sit, we may notice an itch or a muscle cramp. The impulse is to immediately scratch the itch, or to change position. Yet, as Tara Brach (the leader of the Insight Community of Washington D.C) says, we can be working on the computer or watching a movie, when a muscle cramp or itch occurs, yet we don’t notice it. So, what would happen if when we are being still, we merely witnessed physical happenings, with equanimity? We could observe these physical sensations with “radiant calmness” and a “balance of mind”, yet take no action. Just watch what happens. Inaction, yet action. When we do this, we are at the stillpoint – that centered, balanced place.

From this inner stillpoint we may then decide that a certain action is

appropriate. Witnessing from the stillpoint is not about being passive or powerless. It is not about disassociating, nor is it about reacting in a knee-jerk manner. It is about being able to hold one's self at that stillpoint and then from that place truly becoming aware of the best action to take. As Ken Wilber says in his book One Taste: The Journals of Ken Wilber, “the true witness allows whatever arises to arise – passion, calm, involvement, detachment, beautiful hostility, it doesn’t matter. But the notion that it is a deathly divorce from life is silly.”

I had a startling experience while I was writing this article. I fell down the

steps. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I tripped and was propelled down the steps, bouncing on each step until I hit the bottom, where I was forced by shock and momentary pain to be totally still. From this stillpoint I took an inventory of my body and determined I was fine. This episode was a painful metaphor for what I am writing about. After moving through a very stressful time, we often take a deep breath and assess the emotional and physical damage. Perhaps it would be important to determine beforehand how to avoid some of the stress, so we don’t have to have an accident and land in that position. Perhaps if I had been more “in the moment” and paid attention, it would not have happened.

There are many practical ways we can practice accessing this stillpoint. For

example, through sitting in mediation, or meditating in action such as doing yoga, walking, swimming, or any form of exercise where it is possible to go within, and focus on the breath and the movement of the body.

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Also, we can learn to play and let out the “inner child”. Playing takes us out

of our heads and out of what Natalie Goldberg, the writer, calls “monkey minds”. How many of you have ever rolled on the floor with a two year old? Can you imagine dancing or singing, playing hide and seek, hop scotch, or jumping rope with a child? Playing with total abandon can be very centering. It gets us back to our core selves.

Another important way is to create. I do not mean to be artistic – although

this is fine too. You can create a garden, a new recipe, a new outfit, a plan for helping someone in need, or take up a new creative hobby like crocheting, or woodworking. The only criterion for being creative is that you bring something new into existence – that you make something that is original and comes from your heart.

Lastly, be sure to nurture yourself. Having a good meal and getting enough

sleep are important ways to self-nurture. Or you could get a massage, get your hair cut, or take a drive in the country. Nurturing yourself in these ways – although they are “doing” they are gentle actions – giving us time and space to connect with our inner selves.

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I recently received a Kindle and magically downloaded my first book. I never checked the size of the book, so was amazed that the Kindle informed me, not of the page I was on, but the percentage read. Percentage of what I asked myself – of one hundred pages, or five hundred pages? Is this not like life? We might realize that if we are 60, 70, or 80, that the percentage of the life lived is longer than what remains. But what if we are 30, 40, or 50? We never know exactly. All we can do is make the most of each page of life as it comes. We do this by maintaining an inner stillness, in order to be more present with each moment of each day.

For this New Year, perhaps we could try and maintain the perspective of the

witness and remember that from our inner stillpoint we can develop a greater sense of self-awareness. We can observe the impermanence of life and accept the fact that change is constant. We could remind ourselves that control is generally not possible – except control of the self and the choices we make.

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If we are totally aware, we can see that everything has a beginning and an

end. We can see that all things ebb and flow. Like waves rolling up on the sand, everything is present and then disappears. Like the sand impacted by the waves, everything changes, and yet remains the same. To see life from this perspective gives us peace.

Carol Kurtz Walsh is a psychotherapist, writer and artist in private practice in Bethesda, MD. She is the author of ‘Break Though: Coping Skills for Chaotic Times’. To contact her call 30l-656-6420 or e-mail her at Carol@ckwalsh.com. To order her book, see her new artwork and find past articles, check her website www.ckwalsh.com.