Startup

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

communication

Ed Batista

July 11, 2014

Executive coach

Instructor @ Stanford GSB

www.edbatista.com

blogs.hbr.org/ed-batista

HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees

Who am I?

Photo by Alex Eflon [link]

Where are we1:1 communication

Group norms

You & your colleagues

going?

How will weConcepts

Exercises & debriefs

1:1 feedback

get there?

Photo by Chloe Fan [link]

Startups ashuman systems

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Complex group dynamics

Communication = survival

Feedback = learning

Relationships matter

ReadMore

Startups ashuman systems

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Think about this team…

How are you communicating?

How would you like to communicate?

Concepts #1Today’s headline

The simplest feedback model

Feelings

The net

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

The headlineFeedback is stressful

So criticize with skill

& give more heartfelt praise

Photo by Garry Knight [link]

ReadMore

The simplest

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

feedback model

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

The simplest

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

feedback model

FeelingsDisclosing feelings = vulnerable

But feelings influence

And vulnerability closeness

Comfort with discomfort

Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]

The netDavid Bradford

How to improve communication?

How to create closeness and connection?

ReadMore

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

My behavior… Actions Statements Non-Verbals

Needs Motives

Intentions

Feelings Reactions

Responses

The netMe and

my…

You and your…

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

The netStay on our side of the net

Focus on observed behavior

Disclose our response

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

Concepts #2Hierarchy of needs

Safety, trust, intimacy

Social threat

SCARF model

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Abraham Maslow

What motivates us as human beings?

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Physiological

Safety

Love & belonging

Esteem

Self-actualization

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Some caveats…

* Maslow never used a pyramid

** Not a strict hierarchy

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Parallels in groups & relationships

Pre-conditions for success

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Psychological safety, trust & intimacy

Experiments, risk-taking & vulnerability

Learning, self-awareness & change

In groups &

relationships…

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Learning, self-

awareness & change

Hierarchy of needs

Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]

Psychological safety, trust & intimacy

Startups ashuman systems

Think about your interactions in this

group…

What enhances safety, trust &

intimacy?

What undermines those qualities?

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Safety, trust,

Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]

intimacy

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Safety, trust,intimacy

Safety = I won’t get hurt

Trust = I believe you & you believe me

Intimacy = We can make the private

public

Safety, trust,intimacy

Foundation for learning

Feedback = learning

But there’s a problem…

Can I give you

Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]

some feedback?

Feedback and

Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]

social threat

Threat responseaka “Fight, flight or freeze”

Physiological signs?

Emotional signs?

Photo by William Warby [link]

Social threat(Some) social situations ≈ Physical

threats

Many times/day

Most common location?

Social threatPhysiological/emotional response plus…

Cognitive impairment

Decision-making

Problem-solving

Collaboration

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Social threatResult?

Massive communication failure

We give feedback ineffectively

We receive it poorly

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

SCARF model

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David RockWhat social situationstrigger a threatresponse?

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

SCARF modelDavid Rock

What social situations trigger a threat

response?

How can we minimize the risk of social

threat?

How can we increase feelings of safety?

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Fairness

ReadMore

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

Use the modelWhen giving feedback…

Be mindful of status

Minimize uncertainty

Maximize autonomy

Build the relationship*

Play fair*

Use the modelWhen getting feedback…

Recognize our threat response

Manage our emotions (Norms help*)

To sum upBuild safety, trust & intimacy

Minimize threat response

Better conditions for communication

Less stressful feedback

More effective learning

Photo by Pranav Yaddanapudi [link]

Concepts #3Relationships

The net (again)

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

Photo by Harsha KR [link]

Relationships

John Gottman

What characterizes successful

relationships?ReadMore

RelationshipsFeeling known by the other

A culture of appreciation

Responding to “bids”

Mutual influence

5:1 positive to negative

“Emotional bank account”

Relationships& conflict

Photo by Connor Tartar [link]

Startups ashuman systems

Think about your teammates…

How’s your emotional bank account?

What are you doing to build the

relationship?

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

The net (again)

The netHow to be direct while avoiding

defensiveness?

How to increase sense of fairness?

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

My behavior… Actions Statements Non-Verbals

Needs Motives

Intentions

Feelings Reactions

Responses

The netMe and

my…

You and your…

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

The netStay on our side of the net

Focus on observed behavior

Disclose our response

Diminish social threat & defensiveness

Increase sense of fairness

Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]

Startups ashuman systems

Think about your teammates…

When do you cross their net?

When do they cross yours?

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Concepts #4Emotional intelligence & groups

Talking about feelings

Group norms

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

EQ and groupsWhy care?

Effective teams

Participation, cooperation,

collaboration

Can’t mandate behavior

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EQ and groupsEssential conditions…

Mutual trust

Group identity (feeling of belonging)

Group efficacy (belief in value of the

team)

Strongly affected by group EQ

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

EQ and groupsIndividual EQ

Emotional awareness

Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)

Inward (one’s own emotions)

Outward (others’ emotions)

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

EQ and groupsHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group

Group norms determine group EQ

Create awareness of emotion

Help regulate emotion

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Startups ashuman systems

Think about how you show up on this

team…

How aware are you of your emotions?

How well do you regulate your

emotions?

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Talking aboutAffect labeling

Amygdala

Talking disrupts negative emotion

Talking about emotion > Thinking about

emotion

feelings

Photo by Andrew Yee [link]

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Talking aboutGroup norms

Norms define what’s normative

Can we talk about feelings here?

Overcome embarrassment

feelings

Photo by Andrew Yee [link]

Our norms

Photo by jm3 [link]

Our normsConsider company norms

Create awareness of emotions

Help regulate emotions

ReadMore

Photo by jm3 [link]

We never… We

always…

1. Spend time getting to knowothers personally.

Norms that createawareness

We never… We

always…

2. Regularly ask how others are doing.

Norms that createawareness

We never… We

always…

3. Share thoughts and emotionswith others in the moment.

Norms that createawareness

We never… We

always…

4. Ask others who have been quiet in a discussion what they think.

Norms that createawareness

We never… We

always…

5. Fully explore others’ resistanceto our decisions.

Norms that createawareness

We never… We

always…

6. Set aside time to discuss and evaluateour own effectiveness.

Norms that createawareness

We never… We

always…

7. Acknowledge and discuss the feelingin the group in the moment.

Norms that createawareness

We never… We

always…

1. Have clear ground rules for productive behavior in meetings.

Norms that help regulate

We never… We

always…

2. Call out behavior that violatesthose ground rules.

Norms that help regulate

We never… We

always…

3. Express acceptance ofothers’ emotions.

Norms that help regulate

We never… We

always…

4. Make time to discuss difficulties within the team

and the emotions they generate.

Norms that help regulate

We never… We

always…

5. Use playfulness to acknowledgeand relieve stress.

Norms that help regulate

We never… We

always…

6. Express optimism aboutthe team’s capabilities.

Norms that help regulate

We never… We

always…

7. Provide others with positivefeedback in the moment.

Norms that help regulate

Our normsWhat norms do we have?

What norms do we need?

Photo by jm3 [link]

Concepts #5Positive feedback

Mindset

Soft start

5 levels

Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]

Positive feedbackA paradox

So important

So often ineffective

What’s wrong?

Photo by Aaron Matthews [link]

Positive feedbackWe may not trust it

We may even resent it

We often praise the wrong things

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Positive feedbackDon’t praise to buffer criticism

Use a soft start*

Positive feedbackDon’t praise to overcome resistance

Use other means of influence

Positive feedbackDon’t praise ability

Praise effort and persistence

Carol Dweck

How do we feel about our abilities?

How do we feel about our mistakes?

Mindset

Photo by Tuomas Puikkonen [link]

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Talent & intelligence are inherent traits

Mistakes are failures or character flaws

Negative emotional response to mistakes

Talent & intelligence can be developed

Mistakes are learning opportunities

Pay close attention to mistakes & learn more

Fixed Growth

Mindset

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Soft start

Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]

Not like this

Soft start

Photo by OakleyOriginals [link]

Like this

Soft startBegin with positive intent

(But don’t bullshit)

Emphasize mutual goals

Be mindful of your stress

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5 levels

Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

Richard Francisco

Increasing levels of meaning, value

and risk

5 levels1: Ritual

2: Extended Ritual

3: Content

4: Feelings About Content

5: Feelings About Each Other

Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

5 levels

5: Feelings About Each Other

Hardest

Riskiest

Most meaningful

Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

Remember…

Challenge yourself

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

1:1 feedback

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

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1:1 feedbackWhen getting feedback…

Observe your threat response

Do you want to ask for specific feedback?

1:1 feedbackWhen giving feedback…

Positive feedback encouraged

Stay on your side of the net

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions

Thank you!

Photo by Brett Casadonte [link]