May 2012 Volume 3 Issue 8@The_Snorethesnore.blogspot.com

SpringZing

‘12“Have you seen this boy?”- UNA Campus Police

What We Think Page 2

The views and opinions expressed in this satirical publication of The Snore are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of the University of North Alabama, its administration, faculty, staff, students or any other organizations; we do not wish to be associated with such riff-raff anyway, besides the PoliticianZ, of course.

Facebook: The Snore

The Original The Fl*r-A*a The SnoreJ Cole, artist set to perform at the UNA Spring Concert.

Acclaimed artist J Cole will perform hits such as “Work Out” or his big-gest song, “Work Out.” Maybe remembered best by his single “Work Out.”

Who the hell is this? Is this the weird kid Bro. Zeverus Snape told us about from his psych class?

By The Picture: Origimal, Fl*r-A*a, and Us

Depart Shawty, For it is the Same Day of Your Birth

Happy birthday to us! We are another year older and wiser. We would like to thank our fans, friends, and foes for the support and material they have provided over the past year. It is not an easy task to successfully wile students from books and booze to read the filthy rag we publish, and we couldn’t have done it without you.

We’d also like to give a special thanks to Bro. KnowZ-It-All and the other shadowy figures that have helped the PoliticianZ along the way.

We take our role seriously and know we must be ever vigilant for the haints, taints, sinners, and saints. We look forward to next year and the many years to come.

And finally, when are we gonna get student funding like the other campus paper? They are more of a joke than we are. ZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG!

-The PoliticianZ

From Us to You

Recently, the university announced that rapper, J Cole, will be performing at the UNA Spring Concert.

By the Numberz Page 3

LOL YET!? Follow us @The_Snore on twitter! Be-come a fan of The Snore on Facebook too.

According to a recent US News Poll, the Univer-sity of North Alabama has ranked among the top 10 public universities for graduating seniors with no job lined up and no definite plans in place for how to get one. “We are excited to make the top 10. The accomplishment is a testament to the University,” stated a UNA Administrator, “I think the achieve-ment of the award was two-fold: 1) Little guidance from our Career Center; and 2) the amount of ardu-ous busy work given by professors.” The graduation unemployment rate for UNA has increased from 46% to an astounding 67% over the course of one year. In order to gain the top spot in the poll, the University plans to begin offering yearly bonuses to professors who continually increase ‘busy work’ year-to-year on students. Director of Alumni Dona-tions had no official statement, but hinted that the outlook for future alumni giving was bleak.

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Not only brought a movie rental kiosk to campus, but also successfully had it re-moved in less than one year! Two goals in one! (They accomplished more in one year than they’ve accomplished in 4 years with just this one goal.)

SGA President had dinners in Towers Cafeteria at least once a month. (If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to stomach food from Sodexo, you know this is an accomplishment in itself.)

Successfully spent $80,000 on renovations, newspapers, telephones, ink pens, re-treats, and gourmet breakfasts. (Don’t believe us? Please, fact check us.)

Created enough painfully boring “update” videos to give the Lord of the Rings tril-ogy extended version a run for its money.

Made students care even less about student government. (Not an easy task, con-sidering we have an already highly apathetic student population.)

Top 5 Accomplishments of SGA 2011-2012Politicianz Staff

Proud UNA graduate

UNA Ranked in Top 10: Hard Work Pays OffBro. Zigmund Freud

@The_Snore

Campus Life Page 4@The_Snore

Dr. Stan Murton, professor of History and Phi-losophy, has taken a drastic and impressive step toward ensuring the education of his students. Citing increasingly lowered attendance and an obvious lack of attention span among his pupils, Dr. Murton has posted his lecture notes on Micro-soft’s XBOX Live service for its home video game console. Murton quipped: “At first, I was hesitant to do it, but these are the times we’re living in. I didn’t want to be that professor sitting alone in class ten minutes after starting time, wondering where everybody was.”

Murton insists that he is, in fact, not yet finished and that students can expect to see a variety of new ideas from him in the future. He added “The important thing is to get the information to the students. I am recording all my lectures at home and hope to have them uploaded for 99 cents apiece by the end of the month. If all goes well, my voice will provide the background noise for Call of Duty, Halo, or, dare I dream, Madden” Murton also hopes to expand to PS3, iOS and Android platforms soon. He was especially enthusiastic about the Nintendo 3DS: “They could see me coming right at them! As if they were really there!”

To close our conversation, Murton explained, “Kids are too lazy nowadays. They need to learn to multitask if they are ever going to make in the

real world. If you want to frag mutant aliens: frag ‘em! But frag ‘em while you are actually learning something for crying out loud.” (Editor’s note: No member of The Snore had any idea at all what game was being referenced here. However, we ap-plaud Dr. Murton’s sincere efforts to educate his students.)

Look for Dr. Murton’s video lecture soon. Notes are available now. Dr. Murton would like to re-mind his students that there is a test this Friday.

STRESSEDOVER

FINALS?No problem! Just present these valuable In-Snore

Coupons to your professor and feel the reprocussions of irresponsiblity slowly

fade away.

Professor Posts Lecture Notes on XBOX LiveBro. Zocrates

Life Page 5Fb: The Snore

Goober Sez!A word from UNA’s most famous alumnus, Goober Pyle (you know, the less famous Pyle… Gomer Pyle’s cousin).

“If Andy was still sheriff of UNA police he’d deputize me to catch all these prowlers and pervs. Ever since Barney took over, he sure has been mighty peculiar about who he lets be deputy. Says he don’t need no help...”

“I got this new April Fool’s joke I like to tell. I walk up to girls and say, ‘Want my goober?’ I always get slapped by ‘em cause they don’t see the peanut I’m holdin’ in my hand. I guess they think I want ‘em to touch my body, since I’m named Goober.”

My first thought when I opened my eyes? Let’s go snitches, it’s my time to shine. Normally I wake up and just want the basics: sex, food, and sunshine. Yesterday was different. Yesterday was my birthday. The first thing I did was call for “the help.” The old woman moseyed in and immediately started coo-ing about how handsome I am. I thought, Trick, I know I am handsome. Bring me my grub, trim my nails and be gone. I have places to be today. The help got out of there real quick when I told her she was pissing me off. She came back with my steak (served rare of course) and gave me a quick groom-ing before I made my public appearance of the day. After all, the annual party was right outside my front door awaiting my saunter. The lazy saunter is an art form. It has to have the perfect combination of “trick, I see you lookin’ “ and “too bad I don’t care.” Having perfected this, I was preparing my grand appearance when I realize that slut had ru-ined everything. My sister always ruins everything, damn her. The people who are here to support me have been lured in as she shows off her physique, sprawled out in the grass while sunbathing. I mean she looks good, don’t get me wrong. I would mount her in a heartbeat if she weren’t my sister. Actually, that hasn’t stopped me before, but still...this is my day. Sure, we may be twins, but that does not give her the right to make the first appearance. Screw it. I saunter out. People flip ish and that snitch sister of mine is pissed that I stole the light. Suck it, sis. I make a slow lap around the perimeter and take in my surroundings. Kids running around scream-ing, all hyped up on cake; a few college students

who God only knows what I would do to; and some older people who would catch my fancy if I were actually a cougar. Too bad I’m not. Cameras flash, people wave and cheer for me, but I’m still saunter-ing. Never let ‘em see you care. Finally, I flop down by sis and make a comment about her hair looking like trash. The day progresses slowly. I see hot hon-eys who I would take to my bedroom in a second, but they seem too scared of my animosity to ap-proach. They know I wouldn’t leave them in one piece. I make a couple of passes at sis, but she is still pissed at me. She’ll be ready for a rumbling tonight though. I spend the rest of the day laying under my umbrella while people fawn over me. Then she appears. The older angel from Bibb Graves. I think she works for the president, but she should honestly run this campus. Her poise, her elegance, her white hair blanketing that beautiful smile. She comes closer and greets me by name. I choke. Talk about awkward, I decide to hide my head under my hands. She waits around for a minute, smiling at me even though I don’t respond before bidding me a happy birthday and disappearing from my vision but not from my heart. Sis starts laughing throatily. Forget her. This birthday is shot now. I bite sis on the nose for spite and return to my quarters. Not even steak and pointless sibling sex can bring me out of my despair. The Silver-haired Fox has left me, and now I’m just a lonely lion once more.

Memoirs of a King

Feature Page 6@The_Snore

Justice has yet to be served to the armed robbers who have been terrorizing campus and the surrounding area since last year. Among the numerous crimes recorded in the univer-sity’s monthly crime log, three incidents of armed robbery occurred during the 2011-2012 school year.

The infamous “Ghost Hands” robbery, which occurred last October, left many students in utter panic. “My boyfriend and I parked alongside the street between Mitchell Hollingsworth and the baseball fields,” said Kelly Davidson, sophomore at UNA. “Chad was just about to round second when my iPhone started buzzing like crazy. Luck-ily the university had just sent me nine Lion Alerts in a row, warning us of a robbery in the area. We were, like, so freaked out,” Davidson continued.

The suspect, referred to as “Ghost Hands,” attempted to rob students at gunpoint in the back parking lot of the Kappa Sigma Fraternity house. Officials said the suspect was a black male, early 20’s, dark skin. He was seen wearing dark clothing, a dark knit cap and a pair of white gloves, which has since become his signature. Eyewitness, James Patterscomb, watched the entire incident unfold from his bed room window. “It was like some-thing straight out of Goose-

bumps,” Patterscomb explains. “I saw what appeared to be two floating hands pointing a pistol at a couple of students. It wasn’t until I noticed that the hands were actually attached to a body that I realized I was witnessing a robbery.” The assailant evaded police and was never appre-hended.

The most shocking robbery occurred in March of this year. On March 21st, a student was

walking to her car parked in the campus parking garage, when a man came up and forced her into a vehicle at gunpoint. He then commanded that she drive to the ATM in front of Rice and Rivers hall to withdraw money for him. With $530 in hand, the suspect then had the student drive him back into the parking garage where he escaped.

The violent nature of these crimes has led many students to question whether or not Cam-

pus Security is doing their job. “We’re trying our best, but it’s re-ally out of our jurisdiction,” said UNA Safety Officer, Thurgood Jenkins. “Over 90% of the vio-lent crimes that have been com-mitted on campus this school year have been committed on foot. Since none of these crimes actually involved a single park-ing violation, there is very little we can do.”

However, Campus Security did in fact, go above the call of duty and team up with art major, Derek Felder, to create a com-posite sketch of the March 21st suspect. “We used footage from the ATM camera and actual eyewitness descriptions to create what we believe to be and almost identical portrait of the assail-ant,” says Felder. Based on the sketch the suspect appears to be a white male, early 20’s, manga eyes, and has a severe under bite.

If you have any information re-lating to any of the crimes com-mitted on campus please notify Campus Security. Campus Se-curity would also like to remind everyone that if you are ever approached by a stranger emit-ting an uncomfortable vibe, pray to whatever god that you wor-ship and immediately locate one of the many blue, alarm, column things on campus.

UNA’s MOST WANTEDName: Unknown Stereotype: Looks RedneckSex: Male Fashion Sense: Sounds Frat to MeRace: White Weapon Preference: Semi-AutoHeight: About 6’1” Intimidation: W/O pistol, LOWWeight: 160 lbs. Distiguishing Marks: Severe Underbite

Bandits Running Rampant at UNABro. Mel Gibzen

Page 7Fb: The Snore Feature

On Tuesday last week, University Police released a sketch of the Flo-Town Creeper. By Friday, The Flor-Ala had risen off their proverbial non-breaking news haunches and did a story. The Snore decided to set up shop in front of the amphithe-ater and find out what students thought about the sketch. The artist took pride in his work the way that a terrorist enjoys their 40 virgins. Below are students’ responses:

Rabeesh Giza, junior - “It looked like a mix be-tween Mr. Hankey and E.T. Have you guys seen that “Leprechaun in Mobile Alabama” video on YouTube? I think they hired the same amateur sketch artist from that video to do The Flo-Town Creeper.”

Sidney Sykes, freshman- “I truly thought it was a piss poor joke at first. Someone told me it was real, and I was like, ‘Yeah, real crappy.’ It looked like the artist has been haunted by a wigger Jimmy Neutron since childhood.”

Benjamin Richards, senior- “The sketch ‘artist’, and I use the term loosely, has caused more havoc than this guy ever could. I’m pretty sure mouths and pumpkin spice soy lattes were dropped simultaneously in the art department when this travesty was released.”

Jessica Beel, senior- “The problem is this: Don’t check in on facebook and delete your foursquare account. When someone is creeping in on you, why would you want to broadcast to the entire world where you are at any given time? It’s just stupid.* ‘

*Comment taken from Foursquare check-in UNA Amphitheater

Jeffery Wallace, sophomore- “How old did they say this guy was? Over 20? By the time you get in college, you shouldn’t be rocking a chin-strap style beard.”

Bro. Jack Nicholzen

Man on the Street: Flotown Creeper

Sports Page 8@The_Snore

New for the 2012 football season, the athletic department has a new shirt they are hoping the student body will adopt and wear to home games. The shirts follow the Nike Combat series of alter-nate uniforms. The shirt will be purple with gold writing that says, “D*mmit, Bobby! (*for running off our transfers)”. That’s right kids, there is a new sheriff in town, Bobby Wallace. He represents all that was and is good about the UNA football pro-gram. Our school hasn’t been this clean since the garbage men accidentally threw away all of the news, er, campus tabloids that The F*or-A*a puts out.

When intergalactic crime overlord, JabbaBow, began to coach at UNA the transfers followed. Sure, there was a “conduct policy” in place, but that’s like changing Ron Artest’s name to METTA WORLD PEACE and hoping it changes his entire psyche. In the end, he’s still a deranged lunatic. Bringing in the tattered shells of former college football studs and hoping they won’t show their true colors is like locking Elton John and Bernie Taupin in a room and the two not coming out with a masterpiece. Yes, Wallace is back. It’s like a neo-noir Disney movie with live lion mascots.

**Shirts will be available from any of your favorite masked vigilantes, The Snore, while supplies last. In order to receive one, tweet at us with this hash tag: #BOBBYZBACK.

In an effort to raise dismal attendance at baseball games and the Goober S. Pyle Theater ( you know, the one that blocked traffic for seven years), the performing arts department and your UNA lions have partnered to form the first ever live sports play, “Baseketball”.

Linda Kessimer said that she believes the Theater will largely benefit from the two teaming up.

“It really has a lot to offer,” she said. “Think about it, the game and rules will be the same, but the outcome will never be the same. There hasn’t been a better mash up since MTV did Lynyrd Skynyrd and Nelly. And, not to reference Meatloaf, but that was one Bat Out Of Hell.”

Head baseball coach, Tinker McGavok felt a bit differently, especially when asked about any poten-tial rule changes.

“It’s nothing like baseketball!” he yelled. “Hell,

the only thing they proved in that movie was that the creators of South Park are better behind the scenes. We aren’t even playing with a baseketball! I’m debunking the rumor, especially since the fact machine underneath The F*or-A*a compound must be broken since they ran it front page. Goo-ber Pyle really wanted to do a tie in with the the-ater and baseball. That’s it and that’s all.”

Kessimer offered a rebuttal.

“Mr. Lindsey thought this was the perfect way to get more students involved,” she said. “Most stu-dents delete our ‘This Week In Performing Arts” e-mails before we’ve even sent them. We had to do something to grab them by the balls, metaphori-cally speaking.”

It seems that no one will know which side is tell-ing the truth until UNA’s next home game against Belmont.

D*mmit Bobby!: Spirit Gear 2012Bro. Jack Nicholzen

Goober Pyle Theater Presents: BasketballBro. Jack Nicholzen

Excluzive Page 9thesnore.blogspot.com

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dear diary,I know I haven’t written to you in a several months. Please forgive me, if you are WILLing… I just wanted to let you know that I am now the new SGA President. Remember how I used to long for the day? Basking in the dreams of being the sole ruler of the students. Some of my friends thought I was crazy when I ran for office. They just don’t understand. You get me, diary; you always have. I am not sure my friends understand what comes with the position: power, riches, glory, and some serious tail.

All of the new attention I am getting is great; I live for the fame. My ful-fillment does not come from within but from without. Although more UNA staff members talk to me now, I do have one tiny dilemma. Tom Riddle me this diary: How do you eliminate the fond memories students may have of past SGA Presidents? I am not sure either, but when I took a recent SGA poll and asked students to name the current president, 82% of students thought Winn Brewer was still president. Lord knows he hasn’t been in office since 2009! Wanna know a secret, di? SGA has no power or purpose. It’s a facade. I mean, yeah, we write legislation that makes walking the official method of transportation through campus. We also ask students to wear purple on Fridays, but we have no REAL power. I dream at night about what it would be like to be a supreme ruler, you know, like Vlad the Impaler or Genghis Khan. I have even created a slogan for that imaginative yet fruit-ful day of total and utter domination,“No man’s life, liberty or property is safe while the Legislature is in ses-sion.” Oh well…I must continue living a lie and pretending to be more important than I actually am. At least for once, I get respect…and girls – the percentage of girls who actually know I’m president anyway.

Affectionately,The New SGA President

The Diary Entry of a Real SGA President

Greek Life Page 10@The_Snore

In a recent news article by the Fl*r-A*a, UNA’s Greek system was mercilessly attacked for having an All-Greek GPA slightly lower than the national average. The PoliticianZ read the article, read it again, and threw our heads back with laughter at the direction of the piece. It has become all too apparent that the Fl*r-A*a has become an Anti-Greek organization. The Fl*r-A*a adequately covered the slip in the GPA, but they failed to properly cover the obvious question: “why?” That’s what we’re here for. Greeks con-stantly face PR issues based on stereotypes involv-ing partying, hazing, and other forms of revelry (none of these even touch what the PoliticianZ are involved in, though), but they rarely get the credit deserved for their massive amount of campus con-tribution. The Snore went on a hunt through UNA public records to compile the following list:Greek Involvement on UNA’s Campus• ThepastSEVENStudentGovernmentAs-sociation Presidents have been Greek• Currently,FIVEGreeksserveonSGAEx-ecutive Council• AllTHREEofthe2011-2012AND2012-2013 LaGrange Society officers are Greek• TWENTY-TWOofthe2011-2012La-Grange Society members are Greek• SEVENofthenewlyannounced2012SOAR counselors are Greek• TheHeadSOARCounselorhasbeenGreek for the past THREE years

If I were a Journalism major, I may take more than five minutes to compile a list. Unfortunately, I am not. Yet, you do not have to be a Journalism major to see the impact Greeks are having on our campus. Five min-utes of delicate record searching and subsequent Facebook creeping landed me these results. Our take about the GPA: “Chill out, breh. Just because they are not hitting the books all day does not mean they are hitting the bottle...or pledges for that matter.” The Greeks are probably too busy get-ting shit done to sit around the library reading the school paper all day. For this, we salute you UNA Greeks. You have taken the laziness of our genera-tion and flipped it on its metaphysical head.

Fl*r -A*a’s Claim of Higher GPA Than Greeks BoguzBro. Zeverus Snape

AdvertisementZ

The Fl*r-A*a staff; in their eyes

Fl*r -A*a’s Claim of Higher GPA Than Greeks Boguz

Page 11Fb: The Snore Philanthropy

What? Join an elite army of UNA students to fight Joseph KonyWhen? June and July (You’ll be back in time for the fall semester)Where? The jungles of UgandaWhy? We’re still not really sureHow? Email the Snore at thepoliticianz@gmail.com. Just send an e-check to us for your chance to fight Kony! Only costs $1,000, which covers plane ticket and “Kony’s No Phony” t-shirt. *Note: Ammunition and weapons not covered by PoliticianZ.

PWN KON: STOP KONY 2012

Dear Board of Trustees, We, the concerned citizens of Florence, Alabama, are more than disappointed with the proposed idea to demolish Kilby to erect a new parking deck. The question that is on every-one’s mind is, “Why?” The University needs more parking like a hole in the head. It would be morally unethical to destroy a place that enhances the lives of children to waste student tu-ition on a worthless cause. We’ve developed a new proposal that would, without a doubt, be more beneficial to the community and the University’s jump to Division 1. The one thing keeping Florence from being the perfect resort town is the absence of a decent Putt-Putt Golf course. With Funland Waterpark (home of the world’s most bitching waterslide and putting course) gone, the city’s only real Putt-Putt course left with it. Sure, there is a “Putt-Putt golf course” behind KFC, but Putt-Putt is only fun when every hole isn’t a par-1. That brings us to Kilby and the University of North Alabama. The solution is simple: tear down Kilby, as planned, and build the greatest Putt-Putt golf course this side of Gulf Shores. No longer will Kilby be enjoyed by children only; citizens of all ages can have fun there as well. Here are a few suggestions for the course design: -Course will be called “Hole in Division One!” -Must have at least 2 waterfalls -Pirate theme? Please, that’s been done. African Savanna theme (for a lion atmosphere) -Cartoon Leo and Una statues everywhere (for the kids) -Open Tiki Bar (for the grown-ups) -Final hole must be a trick shot through a giant Leo mouth We must keep our city devoted to what’s best for its citizens. Florence is a beautiful place, let’s keep it that way.

Sincerely,

The loud, proud citizens of Florence

Pave Paradise and Put Up a Better ParadiseThe university administration is about to do somethin that would make Big Yellow Taxi Sh*t bricks, tear down Kilby to erect a new parking deck. We have to stop them before it’s too late! Clip out this let-ter and send to it to a member of the board of trustees before May 9th.

Kilby Wrong Page 12@The_Snore

Parents Outraged Over Proposed Parking DeckEnraged parents of Kilby students turn to the one place they know that will surely spark a revolution, Facebook.* The following are real comments from real Shoals mothers. The comments are that of the parents and are not endorsed by The Snore.

* Just kidding we made these up.