Spirituality in GriefGlen R. Horst

Describe the activity of soul and spirit in re-learning the world (Attig)

Identify sorrow-friendly practices (Attig) Note mindfulness meditation’s potential for

deepening a grief response (Kabat-Zinn) Explore how grief can open into compassion

(Halifax)

Objectives

Spirituality is the dynamic dimension of human life that relates to the way persons (individual and community) experience, express and/or seek meaning, purpose and transcendence, and the way they connect to the moment, to self, to others, to nature, to the significant and/or the sacred.

EAPC taskforce on Spiritual Care in Palliative Care

http://www.eapcnet.eu/Themes/Clinicalcare/Spiritualcareinpalliativecare.aspx

Spirituality

“It’s so hard to go on. I have great faith in God, but just can’t seem to move forward.”

“Are my family members happy and content after death?”

“Why???? Why did this happen?” “It’s adjusting to life on my own that I find

the hardest.” “I feel like I am going crazy, talking to him

when no one is around.”

Voices of the bereaved

“The tears won't stop, I'm not sure what to do, and can't sleep. Then again sometimes that's all I want to do, is stay in bed and not move.”

“I have a huge hole in my heart.” “My soul hurts beyond words.” “We have to create a new normal on a daily

basis.” “Oh, the anger. It is like a poison.” “People say ‘he knows, he sees.’ Really? I wish I

could see or feel him here.”

More voices of the bereaved

“I felt so guilty about leaving her [after midnight; she died the next morning]. She said, ‘Don’t go; I’m afraid.’”

“I’m fighting my own demons. She wouldn’t have had all those panic attacks towards the end if I had taken that neck brace off in the hospital [after her fall]. That was where it all started.”

And more voices.....

Soul: “home-seeking” aspect (force, drive) of our self◦ Seeks nurture, connection, and grounding in the familiar. ◦ Offers care, love, compassion in return

Spirit: “meaning-seeking” aspect of our self ◦ Reaches beyond the known for meaning in the new ◦ Strives to overcome adversity and to understand◦ Characterized by faith, hope, and courage

Ego: sense of being a separate self that is in control (This is “me”)◦ Defends against threats to self-image, self-confidence,

and self-esteem

Helpful Concepts (Attig):

all-encompassing suffering that involves emotions, thoughts, body, and relationships

triggered by reminders of separation: things, places, events, other people, aspects of our self

Brokenness: sense of self; daily life pattern; life story; web of meaning

Ego in crisis: cannot prevent bad things Soul in crisis: uprooted, homesick, longing Spirit in crisis: fearful, discouraged, lethargic,

loss of faith

Grief Reaction: Pain of Separation

Has God abandoned us? Is God punishing us?

Do illness and death happen randomly? Is the world out of control?

Where do we fit in the greater scheme of things? Where do we belong?

Is there any point to going on day to day, caring, pursuing purposes, hoping?

Spiritual Confidence Shaken

Ego work: begin again to solve everyday problems Soul work: reconnect with the familiar to make

ourselves at home in the world again and in its surrounding Mystery

Spirit work: reweave web of daily life, joining new threads to familiar; entering unknown with courage, hope, and faith; stretching into new chapters of our life story to find and make fresh meanings

Relationship with deceased: shift attention from pain of separation to loving in separation“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” (Gibran)

Grief Response: Relearning the World, Our Selves, and Relationships with the Deceased

Pain of Appreciationseparation and gratitudeCherishing those we love by remembering their

legacies:◦ Practical legacies: e.g. material goods, biological

inheritances, advice and counsel, interests◦ Soulful legacies: roots in individual, family and

community traditions; ways of caring and loving.◦ Spiritual legacies: ways of changing and growing,

overcoming adversity (including sorrow), and searching for understanding and meaning.

Loving in Separation

Beliefs about:◦ the nature of the world (e.g. secure vs.

threatening; orderly vs. chaotic; just vs. unfair)◦ the (possibly divine) forces that operate within it◦ the meaning of life, death, and suffering

To find plausible answers or better tolerate living without answers:◦ May deepen religious faith or secular convictions◦ May change faith or convictions

Relearning Spiritual Place in the World: Adjustment of Beliefs May Be Required

Dwelling with sorrows is a choice◦ Meditation◦ Sharing and exploring sorrow with another◦ Ritual/ceremony◦ Experiencing or creating works of art◦ Catching and engaging dream images ◦ Attending to sorrow in your body and to breath◦ Leaning into a faith ◦ Opening heart in prayer ◦ Keeping a grief journal◦ Seeking meaning in after-death encounters

Sorrow-friendly practices

Learning:

◦ Moment-to-moment awareness (thoughts, feelings, sensations)

◦ Focusing on your breath, taking each moment as it comes

◦ Working with all your reactions Accepting yourself as you are – no judgment or

rejection of experience as undesirable

Mindfulness and Grief (Jon Kabat-Zinn)

Open up consciously to your suffering◦ Observe it; be curious

Thoughts and feelings coming and going◦ Reliving what happened or a particular moment◦ What could you have done differently?◦ Blaming yourself or someone else◦ What will happen next?◦ What will become of you?

Intentional knowing of emotional suffering contains seeds of healing◦ Part of you that can know your feelings has an

independent perspective – participant rather than victim

Your Emotional Pain (Suffering) is not you

Acceptance of present as it is◦ Natural tendencies:

Non-acceptance, rejection of what has happened (things as they are)

Deny or avoid painful feelings Become lost in painful feelings

Mindfulness = seeing what is transpiring from moment to moment◦ A compassionate intelligence that takes it all in◦ A source of peace within the turmoil (cf. Mother who

is source of compassion, peace, and perspective for upset child)

Shift your perspective

Times of great emotional upheaval and turmoil. . .are times when we most need to know that the core of our being is stable and resilient and that we can weather these moments and become more human in the process. (Full Catastrophe Living)

Grieving can lead beyond our separate stories to an awareness that we are related to a greater whole and that our true home is in the infinite

Our awakening can begin to happen when we’re finally drawn through the tight knot of suffering into the world of suffering around us.

From Grief to Compassion (Joan Halifax)

Sorrow of our losses feeds into an underground river running beneath our lives

Grief individual, intimate, private◦ Initially sorrow feels like it is “my river” – no one else has ever

felt this pain - alone

Grief collective, communal◦ Eventually discover river runs beneath all human life◦ We are bonded to each other in our sorrows◦ Compassion: feeling and interacting with each other’s suffering

Story of Ubbiri

Community of Sorrow

Slow work of swimming through pain and longing

Initially, whole being seizes up with fear and suffering – then something settles deep in our bones that gives us strength

Nobody can tell you how to do it or do it for you◦ You have to learn to swim in the “black, rushing

waters of sorrow” and pull yourself to the other shore

◦ Others can accompany, guide, encourage

Grieving – a Crucible of Maturation

Grieving begins in losses over which we have no control (Grief reaction)◦ Need to be attentive to our reactions and patient

with ourselves– no judgment, no right way◦ Mindfulness and sorrow-friendly practices

Grief work is active and involves choices (Grief response)◦ Soul work◦ Spirit work◦ Loving in separation◦ Compassion

Summary

Attig T. Catching Your Breath in Grief: and grace will lead you home. Victoria, BC: Breath of Life Publishing, 2012

_______. How We Grieve: Relearning the World. Rev. ed. New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2011.

Halifax J. Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death. Boston, MA: Shambhala, 2009.

Kabat-Zinn J. Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness. New York, NY: Dell Publishing, 1990.

Resources