self love = self-acceptance
TRANSCRIPT
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Self-Love Self-Acceptance
Ayya Khema
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SELF-ACCEPTANCE
One would think self-acceptance is the easiest thing in the world, because we’re constantly concerned with ourselves. We are always wanting to get more or be more.
We have innumerable attitudes, reactions, likes and dislikes.
Judging and disliking that part of oneself which appears negative, we blame our self or others, which makes matters worst. With dislike, comes fear and very often aggression.
If we want to be balanced, it is not useful to pretend that the unpleasant parts of us do not exist. We all have aggressive, irritable, greedy, and conceited tendencies.
Source- Ayya Khema, Adapted by G Ross Clark
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BLAMING‘He said, She did’
Blaming oneself doesn’t work either. In both instances we transfer our own judgments and reactions to other people.
We blame others for their deficiencies, real or imagined, or we do not see them as ordinary human beings.
Dualistic ThinkingWe live in an unreal world, because it’s ego-deluded.
This dualistic thinking is particularly unreal and self-centered, because everything is considered either as perfectly wonderful or absolutely terrible.
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SIX HUMAN QUALITIES
The six common human qualities:• greed, hatred, delusion• generosity, friendliness, wisdom
When we take an interest in these six human qualities and see them in ourselves, we can easily accept these six characteristics in everybody.
These are the underlying qualities of everyone’s behavior, by accepting their existence within us. We will not suffer from disappointments and we won’t blame, because we won’t live in a dualistic world of only good or bad. We can also accept others more and have a much easier time relating to them.
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PURIFICATION
‘Cultivate the wholesome tendencies and uproot the unwholesome ones.’
Clarity of thinking comes from purification of one’s emotions, which is a difficult job that needs to be done, but can only be done successfully when it isn’t an emotional upheaval.
When it is considered to be human, it takes the sting out of it. The charge of “I’m so wonderful” or “I’m so terrible” is defused. We are neither wonderful nor terrible. Everyone is a human being with all the potential and all the obstructions.
If one can love that human being, that is “me” with all its faculties and tendencies, then we can love others realistically, usefully and helpfully.
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MOTHER YOURSELF‘Maybe we can start to bring up ourselves.’
If we look at ourselves in that manner, we will learn self-acceptance in a wholesome way. A sensible mother knows that which is useful for her child and that which is detrimental. The mother doesn’t stop loving the child when it misbehaves.
Everyone, at one time or another, misbehaves in thought or speech or action. Most frequently in thought, fairly frequently in speech and not so often in action. The mother still loves the child.
The whole of this training is a matter of maturing. Maturity is wisdom, which is unfortunately not connected to age. If it were, it would be very easy. But it is not.
It’s hard work.
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RECOGNIZE, ACCEPT & UNDERSTAND
‘Maybe we can start to bring up ourselves.’
First comes recognition, then learning to accept and understand: “This is the way it is.”
Recognition may be the hardest part for most people. It’s not easy to see what goes on inside oneself. This is the most important aspect of contemplation.
We can lead a contemplative life, but that does not mean we sit in meditation all day long. A contemplative life is when we consider everything that happens as part of a learning experience.
When one is too opinionated, one goes outside to the world with one’s thoughts, speech and action.
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CONTEMPLATION‘One needs to recollect oneself and return within.’
A contemplative life in some orders is a life of prayer. In our way it’s a combination of meditation and life-style. The contemplative life goes on inside oneself.
Contemplation is the most important aspect of introspection. It isn’t necessary to sit still all day and watch one’s breath. Every move, every thought, every word can give rise to understanding oneself.
The feeling of security arises when one sees reality inside of oneself and thereby the reality in everyone else.
This kind of work on oneself will bring about deeper inner security, which is based in reality.
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LIGHT-HEARTEDNESS’Smile at them.’
Find the tendencies in yourself. Smile and say: “There is anger in me, This is my anger.” The contemplative life is to be light-heart while staying grounded within oneself.
Dhamma means the law of nature and we are manifesting this law of nature all the time. We cannot escape the law of nature. Wherever we are, we are the Dhamma:
• We are, unfulfilled (dukkha)• We are, impermanent (anicca)• We have no core-substance (anatta).
If we have a sense of humor about our self, it is much easier to love properly. Making it possible to accept that which we find so unacceptable in ourselves and others.
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ACCEPTANCE‘Everything just is.’
When we learn to approach life with more equanimity and more self-acceptance , the work of purification is much easier. This is our work and our own purification, and it can only be done by each one for them self.
If we remember to recognize and accept what is going on inside and keep at it day after day, not expecting great results. Little by little it does happen. That, too, just is.
As we keep chipping away at the defilements and at the unreal thinking, again and again, a change takes place. It may be slow, but when we have been here so many lifetimes, what’s a day, a month, a year, ten years?
They’re all just happening.
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TRUTH‘There’s no place else to go.’
The only thing we need to do is to get to the truth. When we do, we will find that loving ourselves and loving others is a natural outcome of that. Because we are concerned with the truth of reality (Dhamma) and that is the heart’s real work — to love.
Only if we’ve seen the other side of the coin in ourselves and have done the work of purification, then it is no longer an effort or a deliberate attempt, but it becomes a natural function of our inner feelings. Inward directed self-acceptance shining outward.
Whatever happens inside of us has direct repercussions on what takes place outwardly.
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SELF-LOVE = SELF-ACCEPTANCE‘There’s nothing else to do.’
Our inner light and purity cannot be hidden, nor can the defilements.
We sometimes think we can portray something we are not. Then of course, we become disappointed in ourselves when we fail or when others do not meet our expectations.
With self-acceptance we are doing our job of purification. That kind of feeling gives the lightheartedness to this job in which we’re engaged.
To realistically know our self makes it possible to truly love and accept our self.
Source- Ayya KhemaAdapted by G Ross Clark