Reptiles in LoveReptiles in Love

Don FergusonDon Ferguson

www.reptilesinlove.comwww.reptilesinlove.com

donferguson@tds.netdonferguson@tds.net

The GoalThe Goal

Reduce intensity between partners.Reduce intensity between partners.

This is exactly opposite of This is exactly opposite of attempting to increase intimacy. attempting to increase intimacy. Reducing their closeness and tension Reducing their closeness and tension facilitates their ability to use complex facilitates their ability to use complex neo-cortex abilities.neo-cortex abilities.

Steps towards changeSteps towards change

PartnershipPartnership FriendshipFriendship IntimacyIntimacy

With a parallel process of With a parallel process of individuationindividuation

Application of fight-or-flight response to couples battles and

withdrawals

The Psychological ContractThe Psychological Contract

Assumed based on history, culture, Assumed based on history, culture, needsneeds

SubjectiveSubjective ChangeableChangeable

Warning signs of reptilian Warning signs of reptilian brain involvementbrain involvement

Raised voiceRaised voice RepetitionRepetition Insults/sarcasm/put-downsInsults/sarcasm/put-downs Withdrawal, shutting down, Withdrawal, shutting down,

surrender, desire to escapesurrender, desire to escape Intimidation or desire to injureIntimidation or desire to injure Need to defend selfNeed to defend self Perceived need to defeatPerceived need to defeat

Common fears when Common fears when attempting changeattempting change

It won’t changeIt won’t change It will get worseIt will get worse It will change but it won’t lastIt will change but it won’t last The change will not be sufficientThe change will not be sufficient I will be talked/coerced into doing or I will be talked/coerced into doing or

accepting things that are not good accepting things that are not good for me.for me.

The treatment agreementThe treatment agreement

Following the initial assessment- I ask the Following the initial assessment- I ask the couple to have a brief meeting about couple to have a brief meeting about their experience of the intake. They their experience of the intake. They should discuss whether this approach should discuss whether this approach sounds reasonable and whether they sounds reasonable and whether they both feel comfortable with me.both feel comfortable with me.

If agreeing to treatment, they will make If agreeing to treatment, they will make one evaluation appointment for each and one evaluation appointment for each and a conjoint session for recommendations.a conjoint session for recommendations.

I need I can’t

You won’tYou’re bad

You want too muchYou’re bad

Curiosity-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anxiety increases anxietyAnxiety increases anxiety

Frustrated needs and desires will lead to Frustrated needs and desires will lead to increased anxiety and need for increased anxiety and need for reassurancereassurance

As one acts out this desperation, the As one acts out this desperation, the partner’s anxiety and desperation partner’s anxiety and desperation increases and so onincreases and so on

Getting one partner to surrender in some Getting one partner to surrender in some manner may only make matters worsemanner may only make matters worse

Family HistoryFamily History

Warning: Remember risk of unfair Warning: Remember risk of unfair fightingfighting

Not to blame but to understand skills Not to blame but to understand skills and defensesand defenses

Cultures develop myths and ritualsCultures develop myths and rituals Expands the scope of your problems Expands the scope of your problems

beyond the two of youbeyond the two of you

The mechanics-assessmentThe mechanics-assessment

How do they attempt discussions?How do they attempt discussions? When do they have time together?When do they have time together? How do battles begin?How do battles begin? How do they diagnose each other?How do they diagnose each other? The exceptions:The exceptions:

When do things go well?When do things go well? When do they have their best times?When do they have their best times?

Be cautious when asking about exceptions.Be cautious when asking about exceptions.

The mechanics- planningThe mechanics- planning

Planning meetings- timing, time-limits, Planning meetings- timing, time-limits, preparation, decreasing surprisespreparation, decreasing surprises

Place- remember conditioning theoryPlace- remember conditioning theory Establishing rules of engagementEstablishing rules of engagement Soft start-ups, bids and increasing Soft start-ups, bids and increasing

positives (Gottman)positives (Gottman)

We need to talk.We need to talk.

I really need to talk to you and get to I really need to talk to you and get to know you better. I will feel closer to you.know you better. I will feel closer to you.

oror

I want to rip you open emotionally, make I want to rip you open emotionally, make you feel guilty and inadequate and then you feel guilty and inadequate and then tap dance on your bloodied useless tap dance on your bloodied useless carcass. This will take about four hours.carcass. This will take about four hours.

So what’s the right So what’s the right discussiondiscussion

First of all—can we at least help First of all—can we at least help them have the same discussion?them have the same discussion?

Next they will need to decide what Next they will need to decide what the large and small subtexts of the the large and small subtexts of the problem are and what each of them problem are and what each of them needs.needs.

Their mythology may be that they Their mythology may be that they should each have the same needs.should each have the same needs.

Defining the ProblemDefining the Problem

Forcing your brains to organize the Forcing your brains to organize the datadata

Specific and behavioral objectivesSpecific and behavioral objectives Select and define sub-arguments and Select and define sub-arguments and

distractionsdistractions What are the key subjects and what do What are the key subjects and what do

they mean to each of you?they mean to each of you? What would each of you view as a What would each of you view as a

successful conclusion to the topic you successful conclusion to the topic you have named as important?have named as important?

DiagramsDiagrams

In group or retreat approach consider In group or retreat approach consider diagramming a difficult discussiondiagramming a difficult discussion

Break down of parts and the Break down of parts and the relationships among the parts of the relationships among the parts of the fightfight

Or draw out the patternOr draw out the pattern

NegotiationsNegotiations

Everything is negotiable.Everything is negotiable. The content is least important.The content is least important. The content is symbolic.The content is symbolic. When you are stuck, back up to the When you are stuck, back up to the

last point of agreement, no matter last point of agreement, no matter how minimal.how minimal.

Break up old rhythms.Break up old rhythms.

BrainstormingBrainstorming

Used to move beyond rigid, hopeless Used to move beyond rigid, hopeless thinkingthinking

Rapid proposal of optionsRapid proposal of options No critique allowedNo critique allowed Playfulness encouragedPlayfulness encouraged Paring down of optionsParing down of options

The Experimental Nature of The Experimental Nature of ChangeChange

Everything a couple asks for or tries Everything a couple asks for or tries is merely an experiment.is merely an experiment.

Be prepared to back up because…Be prepared to back up because… If an assignment fails, it wasn’t If an assignment fails, it wasn’t

resistance. It was the wrong resistance. It was the wrong assignment.assignment.

Early Building of PositivesEarly Building of Positives(Gottman, Hendrix)(Gottman, Hendrix)

Wish listWish list Sacred timesSacred times Initiating times together (How do they get Initiating times together (How do they get

together after absences? The arsenic hour is together after absences? The arsenic hour is described.)described.)

Celebrating changeCelebrating change

Note: These are early interventions and do Note: These are early interventions and do not necessarily address the big issues, yet.not necessarily address the big issues, yet.

RelapseRelapse

Inoculating against catastrophic Inoculating against catastrophic reactions to relapsereactions to relapse

Using relapse as a learning toolUsing relapse as a learning tool Celebrating new responses to old Celebrating new responses to old

behaviorsbehaviors Discussing continued growthDiscussing continued growth

After Relapse Tx BeginsAfter Relapse Tx Begins

Couples have an initial honeymoonCouples have an initial honeymoon They then have a vicious relapse They then have a vicious relapse

which is all the more painful because which is all the more painful because they thought they had made it.they thought they had made it.

Now they are ready to do the deeper Now they are ready to do the deeper work beyond just learning to be nicer work beyond just learning to be nicer to each other.to each other.

You need to invoke their You need to invoke their curiositycuriosity..

Practice, Practice, PracticePractice, Practice, Practice

The couple will need to build trust The couple will need to build trust through repeated small acts of good through repeated small acts of good faith.faith.

They initially will wonder if they can They initially will wonder if they can expect reciprocity.expect reciprocity.

They learn that it’s not important.They learn that it’s not important. Hebb’s Law provides hope:Hebb’s Law provides hope:

If it fires together, it wires together.If it fires together, it wires together.