Raising Siblings without RivalryIs it Possible?________________________________________

So can I really raise siblings without rivalry? No. But, don't lose hope, hang in there, because there is some good news. In fact, there will always be rivalry between siblings because every human being is an individual with unique needs and personalities. It is natural to go through sibling rivalry while growing up because its the learning process for them. Parent's job is to teach his children how to solve these problems and how to adjust accordingly in life. If job is done right - sibling rivalry can even help their social and emotional development. What is Sibling Rivalry?________________________________________

Sibling Rivalry - is a disagreement between brothers and sisters. It comes in different forms: jealousy, competition, fighting, teasing and many many more. This is how sibling rivalry has been in our house lately between a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Why is he sleeping with you?I want to be in the carrier too...He pulled my hair...He broke my castle...I wish my brother wasnt born...I dont like my brother anymore...He just bit me again!!!Mamaaaaa!

Causes of Sibling Rivalries________________________________________

Before your start applying different methods to stop sibling rivalry, you need to know what causes it. It's the key to building a successful sibling relationship. There are many things that can influence and cause sibling rivalry. The most common ones are:jealousy over parents, toys, other belongings, etc.birth orderchilds personalityinsecure attachments with parentsSometimes the fight is not about THE toy - there is something else hiding under that. Are they tired or overwhelmed?Are they hungry?Are they just trying to get your attention?Did one of the siblings got more attention due to his birthday or some accomplishments in school? It is important to read your childrens cues to understand the causes of sibling rivalries. The sooner you see them, the better you will be able to apply some methods to prevent or stop their disagreements. _______________________________________So now when you know what sibling rivalry is and what are the reasons of it, it is time to stop it.Wait. Did you try preventing it first? Trust me, it is worth a shot.

#1 Tip. Secure Attachments. ________________________________________It all begins during infancy. When you create secure attachments with your children it affects their lives in many ways including the sibling rivalry. Secure attachment means that a child knows that you love him and you are there for him anytime no matter what, even when the new baby comes to the family. Click here to read about some tips on creating a secure infant attachment.

#2 Tip. Early Sibling Bonds. ________________________________________Make siblings bond before birth. New babys arrival in the family is a joy, but it's a bigger stress for an older child. He is no longer the baby of the family, his parents kiss and hug another baby too. There is so much things going on in older childs head. As parents start bonding with the unborn child, a sibling should too:talk to him about the baby every day. Show him images on how is he growing, let him touch when the baby is movingbig brother/sister books are very helpful. involve older child into babys birth day as much as possible.

#3 Tip. Positive Discipline ________________________________________Imply Positive Discipline techniques. Kids follow you and absorb everything you do like sponges. Be a good example, respect them and treat them the way you want to be treated.

#4 Tip. Individual Time with each Sibling. ________________________________________Spend some one-on-one time with each sibling individually. As much as you need date nights with your partner once in awhile, kids need that undivided attention and love too. Pick their favorite activity and do it as often as you can. When I ask my daughter what was the best memory of the week she always mentions our date mornings when we go to the bookstore to read books and have some tea.Just me and her. #5 Tip. Let Them Play________________________________________When siblings are playing together nicely - DONT interrupt.Cancel play dates, delay meal times (reasonably), sit back and enjoy their bond and the peace.After the play, compliment their specific actions that contributed to a successful play time. Often remind them the times they were playing nice:"Remember how you guys build that tall tower out of shoe boxes? That was super fun, wasn't it?"

6. Dont compare.________________________________________Comparing (Why cant you be responsible as your sister) or putting labels ("he is the smart one and she is the pretty one") on children can do some heavy emotional damage for them.Not only it will affect them negatively, it will push them further away and will cause more jealousy and disagreements between siblings. My dad always referred to my brother as a "sporty" one. As a result I lost any kind of encouragement and desire to do sports and be athletic because I thought I would never be as good as my brother. #7 Tip. Rules and Boundaries. ________________________________________Set some rules and boundaries on how siblings have to treat each other: no hitting, no teasing, knocking before coming into siblings room. It would be more effective if you would set those boundaries together with your children. Have a family meeting and discuss what bothers them most. Right them down and hang the list of the rules on the house. Boundaries can change as children grow. Right now, in our house we have no hitting and no biting rule. A 2 year old is in the biting and hitting stage. My goal for the next few months was to teach our 5 year old not to hit or bite back when she gets hurt from her little brother.Instead, we both try to learn little man's cues and moods so we can predict the hits and the bites. My daughter got pretty good at it. She starts running from her little brother, when he has his open mouth, ready to bite. He chases her as it becomes a fun game and they both forget that they wanted to hurt each other. ________________________________________* UpdateToday he bit her badly. She cried a lot. But she didn't yell at him or hit him. Later, when I asked her, what was she thinking when he bit her, she said: "He is just little"... I think we overachieved our yearly goal! ________________________________________** Update It's been 2 weeks now and we haven't had a bite! Yayyy!

#8 Tip. Team up. ________________________________________Always encourage siblings to be a team. Even if they loose - it won't be against each other. Avoid competition games between siblings:who will eat broccoli faster, instead - Lets race - who will eat the broccoli faster - you guys or - me and daddy.

#9 Tip. Give Space. ________________________________________Children are individuals, they need their own space sometimes as you and your partner need some alone time away from each other too. Let them spend some time in separate spaces so they will miss each other and will treat each other better afterwards.

#10 Tip. Likes and dislikes.________________________________________Try to find their common interests. Involve them into those activities often. No common interest? No problem. Try to find the same things they dont like. This should not be very hard. #12 Tip. Appreciate. ________________________________________Practice appreciation on daily basis in your family. Make it habit. Later, it will become natural. At the end of the day when we sit down for a family time, we talk about good or bad things that happened to everyone during the day. No matter what the day has brought to us - each of us have to find one positive thing to appreciate.I appreciate that daddy took you for a hike todayI appreciate that mommy let me use her clothes for my dress-up playI appreciate that my little brother hugged me without a reason

#12 Tip. Be an Example. ________________________________________Children watch you. Even when you think they dont pay attention. They absorb how you interact with others, how you deal with the upsetting situation, what do you do when someone cuts you off in traffic etc. Kids learn from you how to deal with stressful situations. Make sure to show a good example as much as possible. Dont forget - its ok to have negative feelings, its ok to be upset, but what matters - is how you deal with it.Pay attention how do you react when:you get upset in trafficsomeone is rude to you or insults youtelemarketer calls during dinner time

#13 Tip. Environment. ________________________________________Setting the proper home environment can save you a lot of sibling rivalry. Think of spaces where your children could get along easier and with less fights. When organizing those spaces keep in mind their age. Make sure to have safe spaces for older ones so the little siblings wont come and destroy everything.

#14 Tip. Feelings. ________________________________________Empathy, empathy, empathy. Teach it, show it, ask for it. You can find great tips here how to teach empathy to kids.

Back To Topof Siblings Without RivalryStopping Sibling Rivalry When you are in the middle of a battle field________________________________________

You know the reasons of sibling rivalry. You have tried to prevent sibling rivalry. The 3rd step is to stop it. How to have siblings without rivalry at home? find the problem; look for options how to solve the problem; name pros and cons of every option; choose most appropriate option and stick with it.

#1 Tip. Don't intervene. ________________________________________Stay away from their conflicts as long as possible. Give the chance to work things out on their own first. Use your judgment and decide when/if you need to jump in. Study published in Child Development Journal suggests that parents should step back and let siblings figure their disagreements out by themselves which should help them avoid some emotional damage lasting for many years. I know parents mean only well when they intervene sibling rivalries, but according to psychologists - it can be harmful. They suggest to introduce and set some rules, boundaries between siblings to keep everything under control.This is effective if you set the rules BEFORE the rivalries. Keep in mind, that younger siblings will need your guidance on how to solve those arguments.

#2 Tip. Listen. ________________________________________2 children - 2 different stories. 5 children - 5 different stories. Listen to every one of them till the end. Children feel much better when they can "let everything out". Teach the kids to respect and don't interrupt when one is speaking. Before they start stating each side of story remind them to say what has happened versus "My sister is not nice to me". Ask siblings to find specific actions that made them upset.

#3 Tip. Empathize. ________________________________________ #4. The sides. ________________________________________Sometimes it can be very hard to resist, but don't take sides. No matter what. By doing that, you may harm both children: the bully, who was just the guilty one - will feel less of himself and the victim, who was just rescued - may carry the victim attitude later on. After listening to their stories:remind them of the family rules, keeping the positive note. Instead of saying: "don't hit your brother". Try - "Solve your disagreements with words. Talk it out. Hitting, spitting, biting is not allowed."encourage them to look for a solution to the problem.

#5 Tip. Feelings.________________________________________Sibling rivalry involves a lot of feelings. Usually - negative ones. And that's OK. But a parent should help them learn how to properly express those feelings. Remind them that they can be mad or upset at their siblings as long as they do it respectfully. "I am mad at my brother, because he broke my toy. I don't want to play with him anymore."

#6. Tip. Humor. ________________________________________Humor or turning bad things into fun is one of my main parenting tools, because it works for our family quite well. Even during sibling rivalries. However, note that humor is not an answer to all the problems siblings will have. Usually, it only helps with smaller disagreements. - Mooooommy, he broke my crayons again. All of them. I just want to hit him!!!"I give them a minute to see if they gonna solve their issues my themselves. But since her brother is too little, it is kind of hard to talk it out at this point.I remind the little one that he should play with his crayons instead of his sisters.To smooth the situationwe make a craft of melted crayons, whichmy daughter later lovedit so much she endedup thanking her brotherfor breaking her crayons. #7. Tip. Negotiation. ________________________________________Negotiation is a skill they will treasure through the life. The sooner children learn it - the better. Be creative and teach them to find a solution to a problem so everybody benefits.Sharing problem? - tell them to take turns. Both siblings want to open the package from grandmother? - tell them to choose who wants to open and who wants to take the first present from the box. Disagreeing on whose game to play first? - suggest them to play his game first, but her game little longer.

Encourage children to find these kind of win-win solutions every day. Later on leave up to them to brainstorm and negotiate the deal.After the while you will be surprised of your little business associates.

My daughter learned the negotiation skill pretty well, even with a little brother who doesn't talk yet.If he takes one of her dolls and starts banging their heads on the wall, she runs to find his favorite toy of the day and gives it to him. She realized this was much better idea than snatching the doll out of his hands, making him cry and disturbing the peace in the house.

Siblings Without Rivalryby Elaine Mazlish, Adele FaberBook Review________________________________________

When talking about siblings without rivalry I have to mention this book: Siblings without Rivalry, by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber. Here some of the notes that I wrote down when I was reading this book. 1. If kids are complaining about each other, repeat back by saying the same thing. It will help kids to better understand their feelings. 2. If one child is hit accidently by another sibling, we should say: "You guys were having so much fun, I am sure you didn't want that to happen." It will sound and put them back on a good relationship track. 3. When the child is mad at his sibling - suggest to draw a picture about his feelings.4. Love and treat your kids uniquely, not equally.

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child Have a strong-willed child? You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge to parent when theyre young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure. As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders. What exactly is a strong-willed, or spirited, child? Some parents call them "difficult" or stubborn, but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who arent easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others accept, so they test the limits over and over. They want desperately to be "in charge" of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to "be right" above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle. Often, strong-willed kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents. However, it takes two to have a power struggle. You don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited! If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles. (Don't let your four year old make you act like a four year old yourself!) Parents who pay attention can avoid power struggles, even with strong-willed kids, by empathizing as they set limits, giving choices, and understanding that respect goes both ways. Looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise. Strong-willed kids aren't just being difficult. They feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to another person's will. If they're allowed to choose, they love to cooperate. If this bothers you because you think obedience is an important quality, I'd ask you to reconsider. Of course you want to raise a responsible, considerate, cooperative child who does the right thing, even when it's hard. But that doesn't imply obedience. That implies doing the right thing because you want to. Morality is doing what's right, no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter what's right. So of course you want your child to do what you say. But not because he's obedient, meaning that he always does what someone bigger tells him to do. No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because he's learned that even though you can't always say yes to what he wants, you have his best interests at heart. You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out who to trust and when to be influenced by someone else.

Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others who often will not serve him. What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents. That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent. How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation? Ten Tips for Positive Parenting Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child 1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.

That way, you aren't bossing them around, its just that "The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack," or "The schedule is that lights-out is at 8pm. If you hurry, well have time for two books," or "In our house, we finish homework before screen time." The parent stops being the bad guy. 2. Remember that strong-willed kids are experiential learners. That means they have to see for themselves if the stove is hot. So unless you're worried about serious injury, it's more effective to let them learn through experience, instead of trying to control them. And you can expect your strong-willed child to test your limits repeatedly--that's how he learns. Once you know that, it's easier to stay calm, which avoids wear and tear on your relationship--and your nerves. 3. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything. Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible. Dont nag at her to brush her teeth; ask What else do you need to do before we leave? If she looks blank, tick off the short list: Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack. I saw you pack your backpack, that's terrific! Now, what do you still need to do before we leave? Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to be oppositional. Not to mention, they take responsibility early. 4. Give your strong-willed child choices. If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle. If you offer a choice, he feels like the master of his own destiny. Of course, only offer choices you can live with and dont let yourself get resentful by handing away your power. If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is:

"Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes? Okay, ten minutes with no fuss? Let's shake on it....And since it could be hard to stop playing in ten minutes, how can I help you then?" 5. Give her authority over her own body. I hear that you dont want to wear your jacket today. I think it's cold and I am definitely wearing a jacket. Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket. But Im afraid that you will be cold once we are outside, and I wont want to come back to the house. How about I put your jacket in the backpack, and then well have it if you change your mind? Shes not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like youve won if she asks for the jacket. And once she wont lose face by wearing her jacket, shell be begging for it once she gets cold. Its just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when shes so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle. She's sure she's right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you. You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change her mind.

6. Don't push him into opposing you. Force always creates "push-back" -- with humans of all ages. If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point. You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose whats most important: the relationship. When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for yourself." If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety. 7. Side-step power struggles by letting your child save face. You dont have to prove youre right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your childs will or force him to acquiesce to your views. He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to have his own opinions and feelings about it. 8. Listen to her. You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand whats making her oppose you. A non-judgmental I hear that you dont want to take a bath. Can you tell me more about why? might just elicit the information that shes afraid shell go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason. And you wont find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub. 9. See it from his point of view. For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot. To you, he is being stubborn. To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you, but you broke yours to him. How do you clear this up and move on? You apologize profusely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape. You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes! Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly. 10. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment. Kids dont learn when theyre in the middle of a fight. Like all of us, thats when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. Kids behave because they want to please us. The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you. If she's upset, help her express her hurt, fear or disappointment, so they evaporate. Then she'll be ready to listen to you when you remind her that in your house, everyone speaks kindly to each other. (Of course, you have to model that. Your child won't always do what you say, but she will always, eventually, do what you do.) 11. Offer him respect and empathy. Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they dont need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to church and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit. "You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you? But when we go to services we dress up, so we can't wear the cape. I know you'll miss wearing it. How about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?" Does this sound like Permissive Parenting? It isn't. You set limits. There's just never any reason to be mean about it! Here's why Permissive Parenting sabotages your child.

Connecting with Your ChildAs our infants grow into toddlers and do less nuzzling and more NO-ing, how do we maintain a strong connection while setting the necessary limits? Can we keep the relationship close as our child starts daycare or preschool and we teach her to problem-solve and navigate her own path? As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so they WANT to follow our expectations? And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we have the necessary trust and intimacy with them so that we get rehired as consultants?

Building a Great Relationship with Your ChildWant to be a great parent? Want to raise a happy, healthy, well-behaved kid? Want to live in a home where discipline becomes unnecessary? The secret is to create a closer connection with your child. "What do you mean? Of course I love my kid, and I tell him so all the time. But that doesn't mean he doesn't need discipline!" It isnt enough that we tell our children we love them. We need to put our love into action every day for them to feel it. And when we do that our kids need a lot less discipline! "But what does that mean, putting our love into action?"Mostly, it means making that connection with our child our highest priority. Love in action means paying thoughtful attention to what goes on between us, seeing things from the our child's point of view, and always remembering that this child who sometimes may drive us crazy is still that precious baby we welcomed into our arms with such hope. "Doesn't that take a lot of energy?" It takes a lot of effort to fully attend to another human being, but when we are really present with our child, we often find that it energizes us and makes us feel more alive, as being fully present with anyone does. Being close to another human takes work. But 90% of people on their deathbed say that their biggest regret is that they didn't get closer to the people in their lives. And almost all parents whose children are grown say they wish they had spent more time with their kids. "Being fully present? How can I do that when I'm just trying to get dinner on the table and keep from tripping over the toys?" Being present just means paying attention. Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship with your child needs positive attention to thrive. Attention = Love. Like your garden, your car, or your work, what you attend to flourishes. And, of course, that kind of attentiveness takes time. You can multi-task at it while you're making dinner, but the secret of a great relationship is some focused time every day attending only to that child. "This is all too vague for me. What am I supposed to actually DO?" 1. Start right for a firm foundation. The closeness of the parent-child connection throughout life results from how much parents connect with their babies, right from the beginning. For instance, research has shown that fathers who take a week or more off work when their babies are born have a closer relationship with their child at every stage, including as teens and college students. Is this cause and effect? The bonding theorists say that if a man bonds with his newborn, he will stay closer to her throughout life. But you don't have to believe that bonding with a newborn is crucial to note that the kind of man who treasures his newborn and nurtures his new family is likely to continue doing so in ways that bring them closer throughout her childhood. 2. Remember that all relationships take work. Good parent-child connections dont spring out of nowhere, any more than good marriages do. Biology gives us a headstart -- if we werent biologically programmed to love our infants the human race would have died out long ago -- but as kids get older we need to build on that natural bond, or the challenges of modern life can erode it. Luckily, children automatically love their parents. As long as we don't blow that, we can keep the connection strong. 3. Prioritize time with your child. Assume that you'll need to put in a significant amount of time creating a good relationship with your child. Quality time is a myth, because theres no switch to turn on closeness. Imagine that you work all the time, and have set aside an evening with your husband, whom youve barely seen in the past six months. Does he immediately start baring his soul? Not likely. In relationships, without quantity, theres no quality. You cant expect a good relationship with your daughter if you spend all your time at work and she spends all her time with her friends. So as hard as it is with the pressures of job and daily life, if we want a better relationship with our kids, we have to free up the time to make that happen. 4. Start with trust, the foundation of every good relationship. Trust begins in infancy, when your baby learns whether she can depend on you to pick her up when she needs you. By the time babies are a year old, researchers can assess whether babies are securely attached to their parents, which basically means the baby trusts that his parents can be depended on to meet his emotional and physical needs. Over time, we earn our childrens trust in other ways: following through on the promise we make to play a game with them later, not breaking a confidence, picking them up on time. At the same time, we extend our trust to them by expecting the best from them and believing in their fundamental goodness and potential. We trust in the power of human development to help our child grow, learn, and mature. We trust that although our child may act like a child today, he or she is always developing into a more mature person (just as, hopefully, we are.) We trust that no matter what he or she does, there is always the potential for positive change. Trust does not mean blindly believing what your teenager tells you. Trust means not giving up on your child, no matter what he or she does. Trust means never walking away from the relationship in frustration, because you trust that she needs you and that you will find a way to work things out.

5. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage. Think of your child as a plant who is programmed by nature to grow and blossom. If you see the plant has brown leaves, you consider if maybe it needs more light, more water, more fertilizer. You don't criticize it and yell at it to straighten up and grow right. Kids form their view of themselves and the world every day. They need your encouragement to see themselves as good people who are capable of good things. And they need to know you're on their side. If most of what comes out of your mouth is correction or criticism, they won't feel good about themselves, and they won't feel like you're their ally. You lose your only leverage with them, and they lose something every kid needs: to know they have an adult who thinks the world of them. 6. Remember that respect must be mutual. Pretty obvious, right? But we forget this with our kids, because we know were supposed to be the boss. You can still set limits (and you must), but if you do it respectfully and with empathy, your child will learn both to treat others with respect and to expect to be treated respectfully himself. Once when I became impatient with my then 3 year old, he turned to me and said I dont like it when you talk to me that way. A friend who was with us said, If hes starting this early, youre going to have big problems when hes a teenager! In fact, rather than challenging my authority, my toddler was simply asking to be treated with the dignity he had come to expect. Now a teenager, he continues to treat himself, me, and others, respectfully. And he chooses peers who treat him respectfully. Isnt that what we all want for our kids? 7. Think of relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions. You dont have to do anything special to build a relationship with your child. The good -- and bad -- news is that every interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bathtime matter as much as that big talk you have when theres a problem. He doesnt want to share his toy, or go to bed, or do his homework? How you handle it is one brick in the foundation of your permanent relationship, as well as his ideas about all relationships. Thats one reason its worth thinking through any recurring interactions that get on your nerves to see how you might handle them differently. Interactions that happen more than once tend to initiate a pattern. Nagging and criticizing are no basis for a relationship with someone you love. And besides, your life is too short for you to spend it in a state of annoyance. 8. Communication habits start early. Do you listen when she prattles on interminably about her friends at preschool, even when you have more important things to think about? Then shes more likely to tell you about her interactions with boys when shes fourteen. Its hard to pay attention when youre rushing to pick up food for dinner and get home, but if you arent really listening, two things happen. You miss an opportunity to learn about and teach your child, and she learns that you dont really listen so theres not much point in talking. 9. Don't take it personally. Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your ten year old huffs "Mom, you never understand!" Your four year old screams "I hate you, Daddy!" What's the most important thing to remember? DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! This isn't primarily about you, it's about them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions. Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when hurt: either close off, or lash out, or both. Which just worsens a tough situation for all concerned. Remembering not to take it personally means you: Take a deep breath Let the hurt go Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment Consciously lower your voice Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting. Think through how to respond calmly and constructively. You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment. I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait. 10. Resist the impulse to be punitive. How would you feel about someone who hurt, threatened, or humiliated you, "for your own good"? Kids do need our guidance, but punishing your child always erodes your relationship, which makes your child misbehave more. See Positive Discipline for more info on handling your anger and setting effective limits. 11. Dont let little rifts build up. If somethings wrong between you, find a way to bring it up and work it through positively. Choosing to withdraw (except temporarily, strategically) when your child seems intent on driving you away is ALWAYS a mistake. Every difficulty is an opportunity to get closer or create distance. 12. Re-connect after every separation. Parents naturally provide an anchor, or compass, for kids to attach to and stay oriented around. When they're apart from us they need a substitute, so they orient themselves around teachers, coaches, electronics, or peers. When we rejoin each other physically we need to also rejoin emotionally. Click here for ideas on staying connected to your child. 13. Stay available. Most kids dont keep an agenda and bring things up at a scheduled meeting. And nothing makes them clam up faster than pressing them to talk. Kids talk when something is up for them, particularly if you've proven yourself to be a good listener, but not overly attached to their opening up to you. Being on hand when they come home is a sure-fire way to hear the highlights of the day with younger kids, and even, often, with older ones. With older kids, simply being in the same room doing something can create the opportunity for interaction. If youre cooking dinner and shes doing homework, for instance, or the two of you are in the car alone, there's often an opening. Of course, if one of you is hunched over the computer, the interaction is likely to be more limited. Find ways to be in proximity where youre both potentially available, without it seeming like a demand. This may seem obvious, but stating your availability is helpful, even with teens. "I'll be in the kitchen making dinner if you want me" or "I have to run to the grocery store, but don't hesitate to call my cell phone if you need me." But the most important part of staying available is a state of mind. Your child will sense your emotional availability. Parents who have close relationships with their teens often say that as their child has gotten older, they've made it a practice to drop everything else if their teen signals a desire to talk. This can be difficult if you're also handling a demanding job and other responsibilities, of course. But kids who feel that other things are more important to their parents often look elsewhere when they're emotionally needy. And that's our loss, as much as theirs.What's Connection Parenting? Q and A What's Connection Parenting? Prioritizing your relationship with your child, because you know that's the foundation for emotional well-being. As our infants grow into toddlers and do less nuzzling and more NO-ing, how do we maintain a strong connection while setting the necessary limits? Can we keep the relationship close as our child starts daycare or preschool and we teach her to problem-solve and navigate her own path? As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so we can enforce high expectations? And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we have the necessary trust and intimacy with them so that we get rehired as consultants? Pam Leo, the originator of the term, says it best: "The model of parenting most of us grew up with was authoritarian parenting, which is based on fear. Some of us may have grown up with permissive parenting, which is also based on fear. Authoritarian parenting is based on the child's fear of losing the parent's love. Permissive parenting is based on the parent's fear of losing the child's love. Connection parenting is based on love instead of fear." -Pam Leo, Connection Parenting Children grow up fast. It may not seem that way when your 11 month old cries all night, or your 3 year old is screaming on the floor next to the candy display. But age 9, with its delightful reasonableness poised on the brink of preteen sophistication, arrives in what seems like the blink of an eye. As your child blows out those 9 candles, youre halfway to 18. The age of majority, when hes legally considered enough of an adult to marry, vote, and die for his country. 18 and usually earlier is when youre officially fired as a parent, and, if youve done a good enough job, re-hired as a consultant. I dread dropping my children off at college. I know too many women who sobbed the whole way home, wondering how they missed so much of the last eighteen years. Their kids dash off happily, ready for their new lives. Its the mom who suddenly realizes that she isnt. I know Ill be sobbing. But I also know I wont have missed much. I know theyll really be ready, inside, to flourish on their own. And I trust that Ill have built the kind of connection with my kids that will keep us close throughout their lives. All parents hope thats what were doing, of course. How can we be sure? At this point, theres not much doubt. Research teams have shown again and again what it is that builds a strong connection between parents and children. It starts early, with parents who respond to the infants needs, so that she develops a secure attachment to them. This body of research is called Attachment Theory, and has given rise to a child-raising approach called Attachment Parenting. Isnt Attachment Parenting about moms never being apart from the baby? I love him, but I need a break sometimes. Attachment Parenting has indeed become known for its recommendation that babies need a lot of holding by their parents, but of course no mother holds her baby every minute. Thats a caricature. And please notice I said parents, as in fathers as well as mothers. All parents need a break sometimes; thats why nature set us up with two. But the critical ingredient in Attachment Parenting is actually the attentiveness with which the babys adults respond to her, which gives her a secure attachment. Thats the foundation of healthy emotional development. Attachment Parenting is only the beginning of the bond you build and nurture with your child. The parenting philosophy that helps parents create a close lifetime connection with their kids is known as Connection Parenting, a coin termed by Parent Educator Pam Leo. But why does that need to be a parenting philosophy? Arent all parents connected to their kids? Whats different about Connection Parenting is that its about the relationship with your child, rather than a set of skills to make you a better parent. Youre a fine parent the way you are, if youre in touch with your natural parenting instincts. If thats true, why do so many of us find parenting such a challenge? Because no amount of "parenting skills" can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship. Kids accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without that relationship, its very hard to parent. A close bond not only makes our kids want to please us, it gives us access to our natural parenting know-how. Its especially challenging to create a close relationship with our kids these days. Human beings werent designed to handle the amount of stress our modern life loads on us, which makes it difficult to hear our instincts. Most of us try to parent in our spare time, around the demands of work, commuting and household responsibilities. Finally, our culture devalues and erodes our relationship with our kids, and woos them away from us at too early an age. So not all parents are sufficiently connected to their kids? Of course, every parent has a relationship with his or her child. The question is what kind of relationship. We can think of relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions. You dont have to do anything special to build a relationship, per se. The good -- and bad -- news is that every interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bath time matter as much as that big talk you have when theres a problem. He doesnt want to share his toy, or go to bed, or do his homework? How you handle it is one brick in the foundation of your permanent relationship, as well as his ideas about all relationships. Its true that North Americans think of themselves as more child-centered than ever. We take endless digital pictures of our babies that we post online, we plan elaborate birthday parties our two year olds find overwhelming, we let our four year olds run rampant in restaurants, we allow our daughters to dress like pop stars by age 10, we spend a fortune on wardrobes, Ipods, computers, TVs. But these things arent what our kids need, and they often disconnect us from our kids, as evidenced by the 2/3 of kids who have TVs in their bedrooms. I do spend time with my kids, driving them everywhere. But I have a demanding job and our life is so busy. Do I have to do something special? Close relationships are built, moment by moment, from shared experience that lets us touch each other deeply. Nothing extraordinary may seem to be happening on the outside, but on the inside were connecting with the fullness of our deepest selves. Its a form of falling in love: most of it happens in our hearts. Experiences like kissing scraped knees, laughing hysterically over nothing, discussing human nature at the dinner table, or wrestling with a challenging decision during a quiet stroll at twilight thats what builds intimacy. But to have these kinds of deep moments with someone, we have to make our connection with that human being our priority. I love my kids. Of course I prioritize them. But I have other responsibilities that sometimes have to come first. Prioritizing the connection with our kids means we put them first. Not that we dont work outside the home and, when we can, throw ourselves into those jobs whole-heartedly. Not that we dont have passionate, devoted, intimate marriages. But prioritizing our kids means that we take very seriously the responsibility weve signed onto: That for this eighteen years of our life, this small person who we chose to have placed in our arms gets our full attention. That we make decisions about the rest of our lives so our children get what they need. What do you mean by full attention? That sounds so vague. Some people think of it as love. But it isnt enough that we tell our children we love them. We need to put our love into action every day for them to feel it. Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship with your child needs positive attention to thrive. Like your garden, your wardrobe, or your work, what you attend to flourishes. Maybe attention is best thought of as being completely present in the moment with another person. Or bringing your full acceptance and appreciation to someone. And, of course, that kind of attentiveness takes time. You cant multi-task at it. So lets be precise here about how much time. It sounds like youre saying its fine to work outside the home if I make good decisions for my kids and give them my full attention when Im home. We cant come up with the answer for any given family by discussing this in the abstract. But lets start with what we know is true. We know that for healthy development, babies need to form permanent attachments with intimate others who respond to their needs. By definition, any paid caregiver who is not a relative cannot offer a permanent relationship; you can count on it being disrupted sooner or later. For an infant, more than a few hours a week of care by a non-intimate can be emotionally jarring. Theyre biologically programmed so that their stress hormones go through the roof when their "special people" vanish. An older baby -- starting around six months -- can handle somewhat more time away from her "attachment figures", but still needs to spend the majority of her awake time relating to a permanent intimate other. Does this need to be the mother? Only a sexist would say yes to that. And why should it be the mom rather than the dad, who loves his baby just as deeply? In fact, it could be a grandmother or aunt. But does this need to be someone who is a loving, permanent presence, who is able to form a deep intimate relationship with the baby? Absolutely. Otherwise, the baby is building a relationship with someone who is going to disappear on her. Or, worse yet, spending her days with someone who can't adequately bond with her. So when is it developmentally appropriate for kids to be in daycare? Lets fast forward to what we know about two year olds. If they spend most of their days with someone who is fully present and quietly attentive to their needs, someone with whom they have a strong permanent bond, they tantrum less. They have fewer nightmares. They have a lower amount of stress hormones circulating in their bloodstreams. They are altogether more cooperative, because their needs for autonomy are being met in the context of appropriate loving limits in an intimate relationship. But cant toddlers get these needs met in daycare, or by a caregiver? Maybe in fantastic daycare, where the toddler has one special person who is his, so he gets the intimate relationship he needs. And maybe with a terrific caregiver. But again, by definition, those caregiver bonds will be disrupted sooner or later, and the younger the child, the greater the damage. Were so cavalier in our culture about relationships; we dont acknowledge the loss for our children and then we wonder why we all feel so disconnected in this society. Of course, if your child doesnt mourn the loss of a caregiver, then there wasnt much of a relationship there, and your child shouldnt have been left with that person to begin with. The bottom line in non-parental care is the quality of the relationship thats offered to the child. Its hard enough for a loving parent who resonates with the toddler to set appropriate loving limits that nurture autonomy. I think its a superhuman challenge for any paid caregiver. Also, if we expect to be our kids' "attachment figures," they need us around for most of their waking hours. So while being a Connected Parent doesnt mean you wont work outside the home, you will almost certainly make different decisions about work than you would if you didnt have kids. "What about parents who need to work?" I strongly recommend Stanley Greenspan's book The Four-Thirds Solution: Solving the Childcare Crisis in America Today. He suggests that each parent work 2/3 time and spend 1/3 time with the kids. That means the child gets 1/3 time with mom, 1/3 time with dad, and only 1/3 time with some other caregiver or in daycare. I personally think that's ideal. "Surely three year olds can be in daycare?" By the time a child is three, they are absolutely ready for part time group care away from their family, and it is terrific for them in terms of peers, intellectual stimulation, learning social norms, and relating to other adults. Three can be a difficult age and it is often helpful to the parents, as well as the child, for the child to begin to have a life outside the home. If there are younger siblings, it is particularly helpful for the three year old to have his own special "world.". But the parents will have to pay special attention when they are with their child to staying positively connected. That's why fulltime care is still not desirable. Youre talking a lot about little ones. What about Connection Parenting for older kids? I talk a lot about babies, because if you start with a close relationship, youre less likely to lose it in the pressures of modern life as she grows up. What happens is that your strong bond with your baby awakens your natural parenting instincts, which insist that you stay connected to your child, even as she gets older. Connection Parenting sounds very child-centered. Parenting takes enormous effort. But most of the time, the emotional rewards make it feel well worth it. If it didn't work that way, humans would never have survived to this generation. And connection-oriented parents get something huge out of it, something other parents cant count on. Parenting with a good relationship is like guiding that boulder downhill you still have to pay attention and offer direction, and challenges certainly arise, but the momentum is with you. A good parent-child relationship gets you through the hard times, and creates more frequent good times. It helps you to listen to, learn from, and meet the unique needs of your growing child. It makes it easier for you to influence your kid, so hes more cooperative and discipline isnt a challenge. Of course, your child gets something even deeper. A strong relationship with you helps him to love himself, which is the foundation of mental health and happiness; and to love others, which is the foundation of future fulfilling relationships. Kids whose emotional needs are met express the traits and values we all want in our kids: consideration and respect for others, self-confidence, integrity, self -discipline. And study after study shows that a close relationship with parents protects children from the excesses of the culture and the peer group. Connection Parenting keeps your family connected even as the pressures of daily life impinge on your time together and your children grow into their own lives, with their own friends and interests. And it insures that theyll want to email you from college, or wherever their paths may lead.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings In This Section: Parenting Tips>ConnectionConnecting with Your ChildBuilding a Great Relationship with Your ChildWhat's Connection Parenting? Q&AStaying Connected with Your ChildNurturing Intimacy with Your KidsPlaying with Your Child: Games for Connection & Emotional IntelligenceStaying Connected with Your ChildScientists have found a way to predict which couples will end up divorcing: those who dont insure that they have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one. According to John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, it is likely that maintaining this 5 to 1 ratio is effective insurance in every relationship, including between parents and children.Life, with its infinite distractions and constant separations, has a way of eroding connection. All parents need to repeatedly reconnect with their children, just to repair the daily erosion created by lifes normal separations and distractions.While our children are separated from us, they orient themselves around other things: their teacher, their peers, their computer.As Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold On To Your Kids , says, when we recollect our children physically into our orbit, we must make sure we recollect them emotionally as well. Effective parenting is almost impossible until the positive connection with your child has been re-established, so think of this as preventive maintenance, before theres a problem. How?1. Place a premium on relationships in your family.If your expectation is that re-connecting after time apart is an important part of life, your children will share that expectation.2. Acknowledge relationship and separation.When you leave, say goodbye. When you return, say hello. When you first see your children in the morning, make a point of greeting each of them, preferably physically. This may seem obvious, but lots of families dont do it. Research shows that men who kiss their wives goodbye in the morning live longer, earn more, and are happier. While there is no data yet on how this applies to parents and kids, you can bet I kiss my kids, as well as my husband, goodbye!3. When you physically reconnect, consciously refocus your attention.Otherwise, its automatic for all of us to keep thinking about the meeting you just attended or what you need to pick up at the grocery store.4. Until youve re-established the connection, keep distractions to a minimum. If you can discipline yourself to turn off the news when your child gets in the car, you're lots more likely to make a connection with him and hear about what happened at band practice. If shes coming back from a sleepover, try to avoid having family friends over at the same time. Insist that she spend some time interacting with the family before she gets on the phone or computer to chat with her friends. When one of you arrives home, dont answer the phone during your greeting, even if it was a routine separation. As automatic as it is to answer the phone, greeting each other and reconnecting is ultimately more important. Thats what answering machines are for. 5. Attune to your childs mood.Your moods are unlikely to be in sync after time apart. To re-connect, you will probably need to adjust your mood to your childs.6. Connect on their level. Neufeld and Mate, authors of the book Hold onto Your Kids and originators of the phrase Collecting your child," call this getting in their face in a friendly way. For toddlers, it means stooping down to make eye contact. For older kids, the idea is to demand their attention in an inoffensive way, which usually involves getting in their space physically.7. Everyone needs "floortime." With toddlers, floortime is when you get down on the floor with them, in their space and in sync with their energy level, and connect in their world, whether it's building a train track or playing pretend or reading a book. When they're ten, floortime will probably take the form of snuggling on the couch while you chat, in a relaxed fashion, about anything from their day at school to the coming weekend to a TV show you just watched together. Forget about teaching or directing or rushing your kid to the next item on the schedule. None of those are quality time. Quality time means being in the present moment and responding to whatever is up for your child. The point is setting aside some time to just be present, daily, with every person in your family.8. Welcome your childs babyself. Its classic. Your child has been happily playing at childcare, but as soon as you show up, he has a meltdown. Thats because hes been squashing his dependency needs so that he can function independently in a demanding environment. Your presence, with all of its comforting reassurance and warmth, signals to him that he can relax and let down his guard. Dr. Anthony Wolf calls this version of your child his "babyself." Scoop your child up, give him that snuggle he needs, and get him out of there. Some little ones need to cry for a few minutes in your arms before they're ready for the carseat; those who are still nursing often need to nurse. Preschoolers may need to revert to babytalk. Accept all this as proof of the age-appropriate solace your child finds in your company. Just remember not to make a meltdown the precondition for comforting, so you dont set that up as a daily response. Offer a pre-emptive snuggle as you pick them up at the end of the day and you can often avoid a meltdown. Some parents object to this as "encouraging dependency." I see it as "allowing" the dependency that is there anyway, and will otherwise go undercover. Don't worry, your kids won't be dependent forever. 9. Remember the 5 to 1 ratio. Try as we might, all of us sometimes have less than optimal interactions with our children. Remember that each one of those interactions that leave anyone feeling bad require five positive interactions to restore a positive valence to the relationship. These can be little a smile or pat on the shoulder as long as you make sure they have a positive impact. One caution -- dont be tempted to buy five presents, even if you goofed royally. Occasional gifts for no reason are fine, but all kids distinguish between emotional connection and things, and they always notice when parents use money to buy their goodwill. They wont turn down the gifts, but its a net loss to the relationships emotional bank account. 10. In addition to daily preventive maintenance, do repair work as necessary. If your childs attachment needs have gone unmet, for whatever reason, he or she has probably turned to the peer group to try to get them filled. Parenting becomes impossible when you arent your childs secure base, as the attachment theorists say. Youll need to do some relationship repair work to get your childs attachment focused back on you where it belongs.5 Secrets To Nurture Intimacy with Your Child Intimacy is the glue that holds families together. It's what connects us over the years, and across the miles. It's what gets us through the hard times. It's the grease that smooths the rough interactions of everyday life, and the honey that makes it all worth it.Intimacy is hard to define, but we all know when we're feeling it. Whether it's crying on your best friend's shoulder after a tragedy or snuggling in companionable silence with your spouse in front of the fire, intimacy is when we feel connected. How we humans build connections with each other, how we deepen them, and how we repair them when they fray is both as simple as a warm smile and as mysterious as the way the ground lurches when we see a picture of someone we have loved and lost. John Gottman, one of my favorite researchers, has distilled the creating of intimate relationships down to their practical essence. It turns out that the building blocks of connection are the small overtures we make to each other every day, and the way our loved ones respond. Gottman calls these bids, as in "bids for attention." We could also call them overtures, as in opening movements. In happy relationships, whether between spouses, parents and children, friends, or coworkers, bids are made and responded to warmly. It almost doesn't matter what the bid is about; the process of reaching out and receiving a response builds the relationship. It also increases the trust level so that we are more likely to reach out to that person again, and the content of the bids deepens. If we begin with "What a beautiful morning!" and receive an enthusiastic agreement, we may go further and ask our spouse for help in solving a problem that's bothering us. If, on the other hand, our comment is ignored, or greeted with sarcasm, we are unlikely to make ourselves vulnerable in any way, and the relationship loses a chance to deepen. The same process is enacted with our children in hundreds of daily interactions. If we ask our middle schooler about the upcoming school dance and receive an engaged response, we might venture further and ask whether she's nervous. If, on the other hand, our comment is ignored, or her response is surly, most of us will back off. So how can you create a more intimate family? 1. Start by paying attention to the "bids" that go on. What is the tone in your family? Responsive and warm? Distracted and ignoring? Hostile and sarcastic? Does anyone get ignored? Does anyone usually ignore others? 2. Focus on responding positively to your family's bids to you. It takes real self-discipline to tear yourself away from your screen to answer a child's question, but how you respond to her overture is crucial in building closeness. More important than what you initiate with her later, when you try to get her to tell you about what happened at school today. To support yourself, make it a practice to turn off your screens when you're with your child. 3. If you don't get the response you want to your overtures to your kids, step back and watch how you initiate. Are you inviting a positive response? 4. If you make an overture and are greeted with something hurtful -- disdain, sarcasm, or blankness -- try not to respond with anger. Instead, show your vulnerability and hurt. Say "Ouch!" and turn away (before you give in to the temptation to lash out.) Your son or daughter (or spouse!) will almost certainly feel badly about having hurt you, especially since you haven't aroused their ire by attacking back. Later, when you aren't hurt and angry, you can tell them how it made you feel to get that response. Try to talk only about your feelings, not about them being wrong. Intimacy is a dance. It deepens or is eroded by every interaction we have. The good news is that every interaction you have is a chance to shift onto a positive track and deepen your connection to your loved ones.Playing with Your Child: Games for Connection and Emotional Intelligence "Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child. Play, with all its exuberance and delighted togetherness, can ease the stress of parenting. Playful Parenting is a way to enter a child's world, on the child's terms, in order to foster closeness, confidence, and connection." -Lawrence Cohen, Playful Parenting* I know, you think you hate playing with your child. But what if I gave you permission to set a timer and forget about your To-Do list and just connect with your child for ten minutes? What if I promised that if you do this on a regular basis, your child will become more cooperative, and you will feel more energized? What if it helped you become a happier parent? Children need to play. It's their work. All mammals play; it's their way of learning skills they'll need when they're full-grown, from finding food to getting along with others. It's also the way small humans process their emotions. All day, every day, children have to manage complicated feelings: Fear (What if there IS something under the bed?), Jealousy (Maybe you do love their sibling more!), Humiliation (The teacher acted like he should already know that, and all the kids laughed!), Panic (What if she doesn't make it to the bathroom on time?), Anger (It was my turn!), Disappointment (Doesn't anyone care what I want?!).... The normal challenges of every day for a growing child of any age stimulate all kinds of feelings. Children release these emotions through play. Laughter, specifically, transforms our body chemistry by reducing stress hormones and increasing bonding hormones. Kids are more physical than adults. When they get wound up emotionally, their bodies need to discharge all that energy. That's one of the reasons they have so much more energy than we do, so they wear us out. But we can use this to our advantage, because when we play physical games with children, they giggle and sweat and scream -- and they release the same pent-up stress hormones that they'd otherwise have to tantrum to discharge. Playing is also how kids learn, so when you "teach" an emotional lesson by playing, your child really gets it. Best of all, playing helps parents and kids feel closer. I realize that at the end of the day you might be exhausted. I personally would much rather snuggle on the couch than initiate an active game. The good news is that these games don't have to last long -- maybe 10 minutes at most, or even as little as 2 minutes. And believe it or not, most parents find them energizing. That's because the tension and irritation we carry around makes us tired. When we play, we discharge stress hormones just like our kids, giving us a little more energy as we head into the evening. So when your child asks you to play, make a deal. Sure, you'll play dollhouse, or build a train track. But first, will they play a game with you for a few minutes? Don't be surprised if your child loves this kind of play so much, he begins begging for these games over and over. Here are some ideas to get you started. When your child is annoying, or in your face. "Are you out of hugs again? Let's do something about that!" Grab your child and give her a LONG hug -- as long as you can. Don't loosen your grip until she begins to squirm and then don't let go immediately. Hug harder and say "I LOVE hugging you! I never want to let go. Promise I can hug you again soon?" Then let go and connect with a big, warm smile, and say "Thank you! I needed that!" A more intensive version, for when a child has a new sibling, or you've been doing a lot of disciplining. Convince your child on a very deep level that you LOVE him by chasing him, hugging, kissing, then letting him get away and repeating -- again and again. "I need my Michael....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...." This is my favorite game, guaranteed to transform your child's doubt about whether he's truly loved (and any child who is "misbehaving" harbors that doubt). (I call this the Fix game because it Fixes whatever's wrong. From a parent: "I'm kind of shocked how much my son is loving the Fix game!? I don't think I've ever heard my son say, "Let's do it again!" so many times :)" A stepped-up version involving both parents. Fight over your child (jokingly), vying to see who can snatch him up and hug him. "I want him!' No, I want him!" "But I NEED him so much!" No, I need him! You ALWAYS get him!" When your child is grumpy. "You seem to be in a NO mood. I have an idea. I will say YES, and you can answer NO in the same tone of voice. So when I say YES in this low voice, you say NO in a low voice. When I say YES in this squeaky voice, you say NO in this squeaky voice. Okay?" To a child who is getting over-excited or too revved up: "You have so much energy right now. What can we do with all this energy? Do you want to spin around? Come over here (or outside) with me where it's safe to spin around, and I'll spot you." Find a safe place where no other kids or parents are there to further stimulate him, and let him spin around, or jump up and down, or run in circles around you -- whatever he chooses. When he drops in exhaustion, snuggle him and say "It's so much fun to be excited. But sometimes you get over-excited and you need a little help to calm down. Now, let's take three deep breaths to relax. In through the nose, out through the mouth. 1.....2......3......Good! Do you feel a little calmer? It's good to know how to calm yourself down. Now, let's go snuggle by ourselves and read a book for a bit." When you and your child seem to be having a lot of power struggles. Give your child the chance to be the more powerful one and to outsmart and over power a terrible monster -- You! Swagger and strut and roar at your child about how you will catch him and show him who's boss....but when you chase him, always trip and bumble and let him outsmart you or over-power you and get away. Acknowledge your child's formidable power: You are so strong! You pushed me right over! Another version of this is giving your child a feather, or a pillow, to hit you with. Every time he hits you, fall over! Repeat as long as he's giggling. When your child is cheating at a game. Say "Looks like we have new rules now....But how come you always win?!...I hate losing!" Overdo your role as the "sore loser" so that your child gets to laugh at you. When your child is super-clingy or has been experiencing separation anxiety. Cling to your child, being super-exaggerated and silly. "I know you want me to let go so you can go play, but I NEED you! I only want to be with you. PLEASE be with me now?" Keep holding your child's hand or clinging to her dress. She will like the feeling that SHE is the one in charge of letting go, rather than feeling pushed away. If you act silly enough, she will also giggle and let off some of the tension around good byes. When she definitively pushes you away, say, "It's ok. I know you will come back. We always come back to each other." When your child goes through a stage of only wanting Mommy (or Daddy). Let the preferred parent sit on the couch. Get between your child and that parent, and boast "You can't get to Mommy! You are all mine! Only I get to be with you! I will keep you from getting to Mommy!" As he tries to get to Mommy, grab at him, but bumble and be unsuccessful. When he reaches Mommy, she laughs, cheers, hugs him and then lets him go. You lament that he got through, but continue to boast and challenge him and try to grab him. Exaggerate your boasting. "You can't push around me to get to Mommy!" and then bumble and let him push past you. He should giggle and giggle, which means that he is releasing his fears and anxieties. When your kids are fighting a lot: When tempers are calm, say "Would you two please fight with each other now?" When they begin to fight, pretend to be a TV commentator. "We're on the scene tonight watching two sisters who can't seem to get along! Will they work things out or not? Stay with us while we observe this behavior live! Notice how big sister is bossy, but little sister is provocative! Both girls want the same piece of salami! Can they work this out? Are they smart enough to realize there's more salami in the fridge? Stay tuned..." Your kids will giggle and let off tension, and get to see how ridiculous they are. When your child feels like a bottomless pit: Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling. Revel in touching your child. Don't structure this time. Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Rock him in your arms. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny. Resist tickling, which can make kids feel invaded and out of control. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.If you want some help getting into the mood, look together at old baby pictures: "You were so adorable, almost as adorable as you are now!" When your child goes through a stage of whining a lot. Remember that whining is an expression of powerlessness. Refusing to "hear" until they use a "big kid" voice further invalidates them. But of course you don't want to reward whining by "giving in" to it, either. Instead, express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game: "Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice." To help a child fall asleep at night. Say goodnight to each part of your child's body, touching each part in turn gently, with a little massage. "Good night shoulder...good night arm....good night elbow, good night forearm, good night wrist, good night hand, good night fingers." Take your time so your child relaxes each part of her body as you "recognize" it. The more you can simply relax and connect with your child, the more you are helping your child be in her own body and be fully present. When your child has stolen something. Get him laughing about this by enacting a stuffed animal "stealing" things from all over the room. Meanwhile, the stuffed animal mother is searching for the stolen things-- "I can't find the dog dish anywhere! Wherever did it go?!" Of course, the pile of stolen things is right in front of her. (You'll still need to have a conversation with your child about how he wishes he could keep what he stole, but it must be returned, and that in the future he can ask you if he wants something. But playing a game like this first will take the shame and anxiety out of the situation for both of you, and will help your child be open to making amends.) When your child has been screeching or complaining: Give permission. "Ok, there's been so much complaining (or loud screeching)! This is your last chance to complain (screech) for the rest of the day. I'm setting the timer and putting on my earphones. I want you to complain (screech) as loud as you can for the next three minutes. You only have three minutes so make the most of them. After that, we're all back to normal inside voices. 1, 2, 3, GO!" To help a child who's coping with a challenging issue, like the start of school, or playground struggles, or being sick: Have one stuffed animal be the parent, and one be the child, and act out the situation. Using stuffed animals removes it one step from reality so most kids find it more comfortable , but some children like to actually act the situation out themselves (as opposed to using the proxy of dolls or stuffed animals). "Let's pretend we're in the sandbox and I want your truck but you don't want to share" or "Let's pretend you're the teacher and I'm the student" or "Let's pretend you're the doctor and I'm sick." Playing out these situations that cause so much stress for kids helps them to feel more in control of their own emotions, and lets them be the powerful one in a situation where they might have felt powerless and humiliated in real life. To work through a problem that keeps coming up, such as a child who dawdles in the morning or at bedtime. Sometime on the weekend, grab a mom and baby stuffed animal. Have them act out the morning (or bedtime) routine. Have the little one resist, whine, collapse. Have the mom "lose it" (but don't scare your child by overdoing it. Have the mom be a funny, incompetent bumbler.) Your child will be fascinated. Then, hand your kid the "mom" and play out the scenario again, with you being the kid. Make it funny so you can both giggle and let off tension. Make sure to include scenarios in which the kid goes to school in his pjs, or the mom goes to work in her pjs, or the kid has to yell at the mom to hurry up and get ready, or the mom says "Who cares about that meeting? Let's tell the boss it's more important to find your toy car!" Give him in fantasy what he can't have in reality. You may learn something about how to make things work better. Almost certainly, you'll see more understanding and cooperation from your child on Monday. At the very least, you'll defuse the tension get a great chance to see how your kid perceives you! To reconnect. Start a pillow fight, or a snowball fight, or a wrestling game in which you take each others socks off (an excuse for hugs). Or give your child a pillow to hold, and try to steal it from her. Always let your child win. Kids need to rough house. You might even find you like it too! As long as your child is laughing, that game is working to alleviate anxiety and increase well-being. Don't be surprised if your child wants to play these games over and over. They relieve stress, help your child master emotion -- and believe it or not, they're fun! *These are games I often recommend to parents, and while I have adapted them over the years, I didn't invent them. Some originated from the rich tradition of play therapy; some were inspired by the work of Lawrence Cohen ( Playful Parenting ), Becky Bailey ( I Love You Rituals ) and Aletha Solter ( Attachment Play .) For more ideas on using play to connect with kids and help them resolve challenges, I highly recommend their books, below.

Cherishing "Everybody's got a hungry heart." -Bruce Springsteen "the precondition for giving is receiving It is natural to say 'That is a well-cherished child' or 'There is a child who wants cherishing.' We think of cherishment as the emotional equivalent of nourishment. Soul Food." -Elisabeth Young-Bruehl and Faith Bethelard Humans are born ready to love, and to be loved. All parents recognize the adoration reserved especially for parents, the small arms reaching up, the joy of infant and parent in their cocoon of mutual delight. Babies expect to be cherished. This cherishing, this affirmation of the infant from head to toe, teaches the baby who he is. In interaction with the parents, the baby learns "Yes, these are my toes, how good they feel when Dad kisses them!" and "Mom makes that happy noise when I smile at her!" The baby also learns "Mom and Dad love to bathe me, to nurse me, to care for me: I am worth taking care of. I am lovable." Cherishing our babies is natural, if we listen to our instincts. It is our secret weapon, the nourishment that helps them grow inside, the source of self esteem, the foundation on which their ability to love and be loved rests. This expectation of being loved is what allows our children to learn so quickly, to risk bumps and scrapes and hurt feelings: the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for them, supporting their growth. Cherishment is the security of unconditional love. For the parent, cherishing is reveling in being this babys parent, being grateful even in the middle of diapers and sleeplessness and colic that this baby was sent to these arms. But if we have not been cherished ourselves, cherishing can be challenging. When we have been frustrated in our attempts to love and be loved, we may find it difficult to revel in our new baby. We may find ourselves annoyed rather than delighted by her need for our attention, angry rather than sympathetic when he howls. We may avert our eyes from her adoring gaze. We may become uncomfortable when engaged in reciprocal play with our baby and interrupt it without really noticing what we are doing, or even our discomfort. Often, parents who have not been cherished themselves are envious of the attention the baby receives from others. These parents may insist that the baby adapt to their needs, by, for instance, refusing to adequately babyproof and then becoming angry when the baby persistently attempts to explore the VCR or the stack of magazines. And for the baby, what happens when this need to cherish and be cherished is frustrated? Frustration, of course, is anger. Lack of being cherished creates an angry child. Some parents are conditionally accepting. They might adore the baby, for instance, but find it difficult to deal with her when she's angry. What happens? The baby simply rejects the parts of herself that haven't been accepted. The ability to love herself is compromised, shadowed with self hatred; she is not, after all, good enough to evoke what she needs and wants most: cherishing. As she rejects parts of herself, her emotional growth is compromised. (See the Attachment Research for more about the Resistant-ambivalent response.) The need for cherishing, like all survival needs, doesnt vanish when thwarted. It goes deep underground. We defend ourselves against this dangerous need that would make us vulnerable; we ward it off with anger, which eventually turns into bitterness. In extreme cases, the hope of being loved becomes too painful, and the child defends against it by consciously expecting rejection. We all know these children, who become experts at soliciting dislike. In very extreme cases, these can become the kids who are capable, one day, of taking a gun to school and opening fire. The famous researcher Rene Spitz said it most succinctly: "Infants without lovewill end as adults full of hate." Luckily, virtually all of us get enough cherishment that we don't end up as killers. Few of us, though, get enough of this "soul food" that we don't end up with a heart that is, at times, more hungry than we would like. That hunger, those unmet needs, are what drive all "bad behavior" on the part of our children. Kids whose needs for cherishment are met become cooperative kids. Sure, they'll have times when they're overwhelmed by emotion, or have a hard time regulating their behavior. But these kids WANT to cooperate to please their parent. Want to raise a happy, cooperative, responsible child? Cherish your baby.

Raising a Highly-Sensitive and Spirited ChildPost may contain affiliate links to materials I recommend. Read my full disclosure statement. Our Caroline is a highly-sensitive and spirited child. Anyone who thinks those labels are imaginary probably does not have a child like this. Some children simply interact with the world differently. Once you begin to read the explanations of others, it is like the light comes flooding in because it all finally makes sense!Highly-sensitive and spirited are not the same thing. But I have grouped them together here because I suspect there is often much overlap. There is very little out there that is helpful for understanding how to raise, nurture and discipline a children like this. In fact, much of the advice given (especially in Christian circles) is actually counterproductive, sometimes in the extreme. Im thankful that I listened to my God-given instinct and did what I thought was right for my child, even when it went against the standard parenting advice.Ill continue to add resources here as I find them. I will also be writing about my own experiences in parenting a child who is blessed in these ways so please subscribe to my site and stop by often. I also welcome any link or book suggestions that others would recommend!Please note: The inclusion of a link is not an endorsement of all its content or the content of the site on which it is found. BooksRaising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and EnergeticStrong-Willed Child or Dreamer?The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms ThemDreamers, Discoverers & Dynamos: How to Help the Child Who Is Bright, Bored and Having Problems in School (Formerly Titled The Edison Trait)Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children Without Breaking Their SpiritsThe Strong, Sensitive Boy Online Articles The Spirited Child from The Fussy Baby Site Taming the Spirited Child Spirited Child Handout (PDF) How to Handle Your Spirited Toddler from Baby Center Parenting a Spirited Child from Prenatal to Parenting The Highly Sensitive Child from Sensitivity-HSP The Highly Sensitive Child from Family Education The Highly Sensitive Child: Parenting Strategies from Family Education The Highly Sensitive Child from The Highly Sensitive Person Raising a Sensitive Child from Education.com Stubborn Preschoolers from Berkeley Parenting Networks Raising Your Spirited Child from ivillage.com Nurturing Our Spirited Children from Nurturing Our Families Thriving With Your Spirited Child from University of Wisconsin ExtensionTaming The Spirited Child by Dr. Michael PopkinBook Description With humor, emotion and practical wisdom, Dr. Popkin teaches parents: How to recognize the characteristics of a spirited child The positive potential these remarkable children possess How taming is as much about building a relationship as setting limits The eight critical planks of a "taming corral" The dynamics of power and how to handle anger Practical, nonviolent discipline for spirited kids Book ReviewsReviews of Taming the Spirited Child "Finally, a fresh approach to the whole 'difficult child' category. In this insightful and moving work, Michael Popkin shows parents the positive potential of these spirited children without making excuses for their behavior. His 'taming' methods are as humane as they are effective."- Thom Hartman, author of Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception "I adore the real strategies and know parents will be so grateful for the positive spin on 'spirit.' This is one of the best parenting books for raising challenging children." - Michele Borba , Ed.D., author of No More Misbehavin' "This text should be required reading for anyone responsible for children. As a pediatrician, I know that captivating the difficult-to-manage child's spirit and redirecting that energy into positive thoughts and actions can go a long way towards improving social outcomes."- Dr. Melinda McVicar, Professor of Clinical Pediatrics, New York Medical College "A wonderful, heartwarming book for any parent who has ever wanted to throw up her hands in despair over her child's repeated misbehavior. This book not only gives them hope; it gives them answers!"- Bettie B. Youngs, author of the best-selling Taste Berries for Teens series "This is a book that needed to be written! Dr. Michael Popkin has done a wonderful job in providing a resource that will help those millions of parents of spirited children live happier, more satisfying family lives while giving their children the gift of love and limits."- Robyn Freedman Spizman, author of Women for Hire's: Get-Ahead Guide to Career Success. "Tackling the book in its modest entirety will be easy for most readers as Popkin is an entertaining writer with keen insights; his own son was a spirited youngster, and the author draws from personal experience as well as his professional expertise." -Publishers Weekly, January 2007 Reproducible Article for Parents on Taming the Spirited Child by Dr. Popkin

Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children without Breaking Their Spirits

Forrest Gump might have observed that kids are like a box of chocolates: you never know what you are going to get. Some are born with a peaceful temperament while others seem to rant and rave 24/7. Some are shy while others are hell on big wheels. Kids can be introspective, extroverted, humorous, aggressive or fearful. Some possess a spirited nature that can test the patience and skill of the most conscientious and skilled parent. Whether you are a biological parent, a stepparent, a foster parent or any other type of caregiver, there is much about your child that you had nothing to do with creating. What you do with that natural born temperament can be for better or for worse. It can mean the difference between your child using his inborn traits productively or misusing them on the way to self-destruction; whether he winds up in the principal's office or gets a corner office; whether he finds the limelight or the line-up...or something in between. Do you have a spirited child?If you saw the movie Seabiscuit, you may recall the scene in which this feisty horse rebelled against his handlers, rearing defiantly while they tried to break his spirit. Failing to do so, they gave up and prepared to put him down. Fortunately for our