psychology, help) conquering fear

8/8/2019 Psychology, Help) Conquering Fear

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ConqueringFear

by Dorothy Rowe


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John looks very organised and self-assured. He expresses his views

confidently, and he has a can do attitude to all practical problems.

The only sign of his anxiety is that, if he has to sit for more than a fewminutes, one of his heels starts a fast, silent drumming on the floor.

Only by being very busy can he keep his anxiety under control. In the

middle of the night, he will wake with a start and is filled with a

nameless dread.

Laura describes herself as very nervy, just like my mother. She sees

danger everywhere: a gift of flowers is sure to bring out an allergic

rash; a visit from a friend leaves her worrying about the quality of hercoffee and about what a remark made by her friend actually meant.

She is frightened of all strangers, especially people in authority or from

a foreign country, and she worries constantly that she has upset her

family and friends. She hates leaving home, because she knows that

every journey will end in disaster, so she stays home and worries that

life is passing her by.

The lives of both John and Laura are dominated by fear.

Fear helps to protect us from death and danger, but being too

afraid stops us from living life to the full. The type of people we

are, whether introvert or extravert, can define what frightens us.

This booklet can help you work out what your worst fears are,

and what you can do about them. It tells you what you have to

do to survive as a person, psychologically.

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What is fear?Fear is what we feel when we are unable to predict what is going to

happen, and we think that what is going to happen is likely to be badfor us. Fear is a very useful emotion, because it helps keep us alive. If

we never felt fear, we wouldnt be aware of danger, and so we wouldnt

do whats necessary to protect ourselves.

However, many of our fears are misplaced, or out of proportion to the

danger we are in.

What are we afraid of?We fear anything that threatens our survival. We need to survive in two

ways: as a body, that is physically, and as a person, that is psychologically.

Death threatens us in both ways. We try to survive as a body by staying

healthy, avoiding illness and physical danger that could damage or kill

us. We try to survive as a person, and overcome our fear of death, by

believing that when we die some important part of us will continueon. This could mean our soul or spirit, our children, our work, or the

memory people have of us.

Surviving as a person means being the person that you know yourself

to be, not giving yourself up to be what someone else wants you to be.

Its about not shrinking under the weight of humiliation or cruelty to

become an object, a nothing. It means not falling apart, or disappearing,

when overwhelmed by unexpected events.

We try to survive as a person by maintaining our sense of self-worth,

personal pride, dignity and respect. All of these are threatened when

other people dont respect us, when they ignore or humiliate us, or

treat us like an object to be used and abused.

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When we are faced with a crisis that reveals a serious difference between

what we thought our life was and what it actually is, we try to survive

as a person by interpreting what has happened. We can choose to doso in one of two ways. We may tell ourselves that the crisis is a challenge,

which we will master, and thus we become courageous. Or we may

tell ourselves that the crisis is our punishment for our wickedness, or

that we are weak and helpless and theres nothing we can do to

protect ourselves. In this case, we increase our fear.

What of this fear of illness and dying?We fear illness, disability and the process of dying because we lose

control over our lives. We become helpless, and being helpless can

be a tremendous threat to our sense of being a person.

Clare

All her life, whenever someone told Clare she couldnt do something,

she would prove them wrong. So, when her doctor told her that her

stomach cancer was inoperable and that she had only a short time to

live, she proved him wrong by having an operation and surviving.

Four years later, the cancer came back, and when the pain couldnt be

controlled, Clare went into a hospice where, to her great horror, she lost

control of her bowels. She felt shamed and humiliated. Her great courage

deserted her. Then she was visited by a young woman, a Buddhist,

who told her that she should leave the matter of her bowels to thenurses, and that, by accepting her helplessness, she would regain her

courage. This Clare did, and she lived the remainder of her life with

courage and patience.

Clare had no difficulty in trusting the people she knew to be competent.

Sean, on the other hand, could trust no-one but himself.

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Sean

As a sales representative, Sean drove hundreds of miles each week, often

breaking the speed limits on the motorway, but he could not bringhimself to fly. Just the thought of stepping on a plane terrified him.

He knew that the risk of dying on a motorway is far, far greater than

the risk of dying in a plane crash, but he wouldnt question why he

couldnt trust the pilot and the people who built or navigated the plane.

We fear death itself because we enter death alone, no matter how many

people are at our bedside, and the process of death takes us over, no

matter what we want to do. Being utterly alone and not being in controlof ourselves are our greatest fears.

How do we know?What we fear most is the opposite of what we hold as our top priority,

which is either having a sense of achievement, organisation and control,

or being in relationship with other people.

We often reveal which are our top priority and our greatest fear in our

conversation. For example, the singer Craig David said the following:

Ill religiously do a hundred press-ups and a hundred sit-ups in my

room, before I get into bed, even if Im smashed. If I dont do that, its

as if I havent achieved. I am a workaholic... Any time I have off I try to

use to my advantage, either writing a song or doing an extra interview.

The artist and entertainer Rolf Harris said, on the other hand:

Its still a shock if people dont like me, because Ive always wanted

desperately to be liked. I can still remember the debilitating insecurities

I had when I was 15. Every morning, I used to cycle down to the bus

stop and be so afraid of what the other people would say to me, and

think of me, that I used to cry. Then Id pretend to the group waiting

for the bus that the tears were caused by cycling downhill in the wind.

I call Craig David an introvert, meaning a What Have I Achieved Today

Person, and Rolf Harris an extravert, meaning a People Person.

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How can I tell which sort of person I am?Of course, we all want to achieve, and have good relationships with

other people, but in a situation where we have to choose one or theother, introverts and extraverts respond differently. Suppose you were

in a situation where you could act in only one of two ways. If you

acted in one way, people wouldnt like you, but you would respect

yourself. If you acted in the other way, people would like you, but you

wouldnt respect yourself. Which would you choose?

Introverts have no difficulty with this choice, because being liked is not

their top priority, but extraverts are torn between wanting to respect

themselves and their fear of being disliked, rejected and abandoned.

This was why Laura (see p. 2), who is an extravert, worried so much

about upsetting her family and friends. She was afraid of strangers,

because she expected them to dislike her for being different from

them. She was afraid of people in authority, because she was sure

theyd think she was stupid.

What an introvert fears most is not achieving their goals, losing control

and falling into chaos. This was why John (see p. 2) was so anxious. He

drove himself hard, whatever he did, and he tried to keep everything

under control. He couldnt accept that its not humanly possible to keep

the whole world under control, and he certainly didnt accept one of

the great sayings, If a jobs worth doing, its worth doing badly.

Johns view was, If a jobs worth doing, its worth doing perfectly.

If youre trying to work out whether youre an extravert or an introvert,

dont rely on behaviour for guidance. Socially skilled introverts can

behave in extroverted ways, enjoying an audience and company, while

shy extraverts can behave in introverted ways, being very quiet. This is

because, although we are born either an extravert or an introvert, how

we express these potentialities depends on what we encounter once

we're born. An extravert baby, who arrives wanting to party, may be

a joy to an extravert mother, who also wants to party, but nothingbut a bother for an introvert mother, who wants peace and quiet.

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Instead of behaviour, think of motivation, and remember its not what

you do, but why you do it. Both extraverts and introverts will want to

achieve things in life, but if an extravert is asked, Why is it importantto you to achieve? theyll talk about it strengthening their relationships

with other people, by getting people to like or admire them. If an introvert

is asked the same question, they will say, Thats what lifes about.

How does recognising this help?You need to be very clear in your own mind what your greatest fear

is. If you dont, you will go on trying to avoid that fear, and this canmake your life even more painful.

Sylvia and Michael

Sylvia was ecstatic. As a mature student she had, at last, got herself on

a hairdressing course. But when I met her a few weeks later, she was

very unhappy. She said the course itself was good, but all the other

students hated her. Yet Sylvia is a warm, very likeable extravert.

It turned out that all the other students were teenagers. I reminded Sylvia

that teenagers are totally self-absorbed and regard anyone over 20 as

ancient and uninteresting. These students didnt dislike her. They just

werent interested in her. Sylvia clung to her belief, so I asked her:

Suppose you were alone on a space ship that was running out of

fuel. Youve got just enough to get to one of two planets, Planet A and

Planet B. On Planet A, the people wouldnt harm you in any way, butthey would ignore you. On Planet B, the people would notice you, but

only to be extremely unpleasant to you. Which planet would you choose?

Sylvia didnt hesitate, and chose Planet B. I made a suggestion:

So, on your course, youd prefer to believe that the students hate

you than that they arent interested in you?

Sylvia agreed that this was so. It was so important to her that peoplerelated to her, she chose to believe that people hated her, even though

being hated frightened her.

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Sylvia went on to tell me about her husband Michael. He hadnt been

at all bothered when he did a course where he was the only foreigner,

and where the other students werent particularly friendly. Michael is anintrovert (couples are usually one of each; opposites attract) and could

tolerate not being liked. His anxieties were different. Hed set himself

the goal of building up his own business, and his fear of failing and

falling into financial chaos expressed itself in a myriad of worries.

Sylvia and Michael loved one another, and together they could have had

a happy life, but they made their lives a misery by failing to recognise

the sources of their fears and dealing sensibly with them.

What else makes a difference?We create many of our fears, because they come from needing to fulfil

our top priority and from the results of not doing so. But we multiply

them many times over when we fail to value and accept ourselves.

This way of thinking goes back to our earliest childhood, when most of

us lost the unconscious self-confidence we were born with. This is when

we were taught that we werent good enough as we were, and that we

had to work hard to be good. The trouble with that way of thinking is

that we can never be good enough. We can never reach perfection. If

we tell ourselves that we are good enough, we feel we are indulging in

vanity, and that shows that we arent good enough. So we feel guilty

for not being good enough and guilt is fear of being punished.

John

Johns father had been a tyrant who beat his children. John learned to

avoid beatings by doing everything his father wanted, to the extremely

high standard his father expected. Even after his father was dead, John

still lived in fear of his anger. He defended himself against this fear by

keeping busy, but, when he was asleep, these defences would disappear

and the fear came through as nightmares and overwhelming dread.

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Laura

When Laura was four, her father deserted the family. Laura came to

believe that, if shed been really, really good, her father wouldnt haveleft. Her mother had an anxious, gloomy outlook on life. She taught

this to Laura by constantly warning her how dangerous the world was

and how treacherous people always are. Laura never questioned this

view. She felt guilty and frightened of everything.

Sean

Sean had never been loved or respected by his mother. She often

betrayed him, in all the ways adults can betray children, so he ceasedto trust her. He came to hate her so much, he wanted to kill her, but

this hate frightened him, and he refused to admit to himself that this

was how he felt. He could have learnt to overcome his fear of flying,

by consulting a psychologist who was skilled in cognitive behaviour

therapy, but to do this hed have to examine his feelings, and this he

wouldnt do.

Sylvia and Michael

Sylvia and her husband Michael had each grown up in very religious

families, where they had been taught that children are born bad and

have to learn how to keep this badness under control. Even as adults,

they accepted, without question, that they were essentially bad and

had to strive hard to be good. Their self-confidence was always

undermined by their fear that they didnt deserve to be liked and

to achieve anything.

Clare

Clare, too, had been given a religious education, but in adult life she

faced the demons from her childhood. Long before she became ill, she

gave up worrying about whether she was good enough and, instead,

accepted herself as she was. The standard she set herself was to be a

good friend, to enjoy life, and to be practical and sensible.

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She worked out that her priorities were the company of friends,

music, books and art, and she made sure that these were always part

of her life. She dealt with the extraverts fear of being disliked by sayingto herself, If anyone doesnt like me, that person is a fool, and I have no

time for fools. Thus, when faced with death, she could meet it and all

that it entailed with courage.

So how do we conquer fear? Know yourself. Know what your priorities are and what these

priorities lead you to fear.

Value and accept yourself. Dont set yourself impossible standards

and judge yourself harshly. Dont believe that you have to deserve

all the good things that happen to you. Dont believe that you

deserve the bad things that happen to you.

Look after yourself. Eat food thats good for you, exercise regularly,

get plenty of sleep and relaxation, and be moderate in your vices.

Dont carry any health measure to extremes. If you do, its because

you havent recognised the presence of your greatest fear.

Assess dangers realistically. Understand probabilities, for example

that you are more likely to be killed by smoking than by being

struck by a meteorite. Understand and accept that we live in a

world where things happen by chance.

Remember that things are resolved, one way or another, and that

everything passes. Dont try to control everything or to force people and

things to be what they cant be. Let people and things be themselves.

Know that our greatest fear is fear of something that cant happen.

No matter what happens to us, we cant be annihilated as a person.

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When people treat us badly, when they humiliate, betray or ignore

us, and when we discover that the world and life is not what we

thought, we can feel that we are fragmenting and diminishing tothe point of disappearing. But this will not and cant happen. Youre

still there, observing this process. It's not you who are fragmenting

and disappearing, but some of your ideas. These are the ideas that

no longer give an accurate picture of what is happening. You go on

existing, but you have to change some of your ideas. This can be

painful and confusing, but time will pass and youll survive.

If you do all these things, then fear will present you, not with adisaster, but with a challenge that you can master.

ReferencesBeyond fearD. Rowe (HarperCollins)

The successful self: freeing our hidden inner strengths

D. Rowe (HarperCollins)

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Useful organisations

Mind

Mind is the leading mental health organisation in England and Wales,

providing a unique range of services through its local associations, toenable people with experience of mental distress to have a better

quality of life. For more information about any mental health issues,

including details of your nearest local Mind association, contact the

Mind website: www.mind.org.uk or Mindinfoline on 0845 766 0163.

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP)

BACP House, 3537 Albert Street, Rugby CV21 2SG

tel. 0870 443 5252, fax: 0870 443 5161, minicom: 0870 443 5162email: [email protected] web: www.bacp.co.uk

See website or send A5 SAE for details of practitioners in your area

British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive

Psychotherapies (BABCP)

The Globe Centre, PO Box 9, Accrington BB5 0XB

tel. 01254 875 277, fax: 01254 239 114

email: [email protected] web: www.babcp.com

Promotes the development of the theory and practice of behavioural

and cognitive psychotherapies. Can provide details of accredited

therapists. Full directory of psychotherapists available online

Brit ish Autogenic Society

The Royal London Homoeopathic Hospital, Greenwell Street,

London W1W 5BFtel./fax: 020 7383 5108, web: www.autogenic-therapy.org.uk

Autogenics teaches people simple exercises in body awareness and

relaxation, designed to switch off the stress-related fight and flight

system of the body and switch on the rest, relaxation and recreation

system

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The Food and Mood Project

PO Box 2737, Lewes BN7 2GN

fax: 01273 478 108, email: [email protected]: www.foodandmood.org

Aims to help people explore the relationship between what they eat

and how they feel

The Institute for Complementary Medicine (ICM)

PO Box 194, London SE16 7QZ

tel. 020 7237 5165, fax: 020 7237 5175

email: [email protected] web: www.icmedicine.co.ukProvides information and can send a list of professional, competent

practitioners on receipt of an SAE and two loose stamps

The Inst itute for Opt imum Nutri t ion

13 Blades Court, Deodar Road, London SW15 2NU

tel. 020 8877 9993, fax: 020 8877 9980

email: [email protected] web: www.ion.ac.uk

Aims to provide resources and information about nutrition and its

application to nutritional therapy

United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP)

167169 Great Portland Street, London W1W 5PF

tel. 020 7436 3002, fax: 020 7436 3013

email: [email protected] web: www.psychotherapy.org.uk

Umbrella organisation for psychotherapy in UK. Regional lists ofpsychotherapists are available free

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Confidence works: learn to be your own life coachG. McMahon(Sheldon Press 2001) 7.99

Depression: the way out of your prisonD. Rowe (Brunner-Routledge

1996) 9.99

The food and mood handbookA. Geary (Thorsons 2001) 12.99

Good mood foodM. Van Straten (Casssell 2002) 10.99

Heal the hurt: how to forgive and move on A. Macaskill (Sheldon Press

2002) 6.99

How to accept yourselfDr W. Dryden (Sheldon Press 1999) 6.99How to assert yourself (Mind 2003) 1

How to cope with loneliness(Mind 2002) 1

How to cope with relationship problems(Mind 2003) 1

How to deal with anger(Mind 2003) 1

How to improve your mental wellbeing(Mind 2002) 1

How to increase your self-esteem(Mind 2003) 1

How to look after yourself(Mind 2002) 1

How to stop worrying(Mind 2003) 1

How to survive family life(Mind 2002) 1

How to survive mid-life crisis(Mind 2002) 1

Making sense of cognitive behaviour therapy(Mind 2001) 3.50

Making sense of herbal remedies(Mind 2000) 3.50

Making sense of homeopathy(Mind 2001) 3.50

The Mind guide to food and mood(Mind 2000) 1

The Mind guide to managing stress(Mind 2003) 1The Mind guide to physical activity(Mind 2001) 1

The Mind guide to relaxation(Mind 2001) 1

The Mind guide to surviving working life(Mind 2003) 1

Overcoming childhood trauma: a self-help guide using cognitive

behavioural techniquesH. Kennerley (Robinson 2000) 7.99

Sunbathing in the rain: a cheerful book about depressionG. Lewis

(Flamingo 2003) 7.99

Understanding anxiety(Mind 2003) 1Understanding depression(Mind 2003) 1

Understanding mental illness(Mind 2003) 1

Understanding talking treatments(Mind 2002) 1

Further reading


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15Order form

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Mind works for a better life for everyone withexperience of mental distress

Mind does this by:

advancing the views, needs and ambitions of people with

experience of mental distress

promoting inclusion through challenging discrimination

influencing policy through campaigning and education

inspiring the development of quality services which reflect expressed need

and diversity

achieving equal civil and legal rights through campaigning and education.

The values and principles which underpin Minds work are:

autonomy, equality, knowledge, participation and respect.

For details of your nearest Mind association and of local services contact Minds helpline,MindinfoLine: 0845 766 0163 Monday to Friday 9.15am to 5.15pm. Speech-impaired orDeaf enquirers can contact us on the same number (if you are using BT Textdirect, add theprefix 18001). For interpretation, Mindinfoline has access to 100 languages via Language Line.

Scottish Association for Mental Health tel. 0141 568 7000

Northern Ireland Association for Mental Health tel. 028 9032 8474

This booklet was written by Dorothy Rowe

Mind 2003. Cover image by Howard Sharman

ISBN 1-903567-49-1

No reproduction without permissionMind is a registered charity No. 219830

Mind (National Association for Mental Health)15-19 BroadwayLondon E15 4BQtel: 020 8519 2122fax: 020 8522 1725web: www.mind.org.uk

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