A Perfect Gift

[A bum wanders up to an empty park bench grumbling]

Winter: Fucking Starbucks! You would think that TODAY, today of all days, they could spare maybe a half a cup of coffee. Greedy bastards.

[Sitting on park bench, alone, talking as if there is someone seated next to him]

Winter: What was that?

(pause)

Winter: I know, can you believe this Denver weather?! Its gotta be pushing 65 degrees out! No snow. None. Nada. Zip.

[pause]

Winter: Of course I’m not complaining. ME! Complain?! NEVER!

[pause]

Winter: laughing… OK you got me there. I just feel bad for all the kiddies who open new skis or snowboards or sleds tomorrow morning and have no way to use them.

(pause)

Winter: What, over there? Oh yeah, I guess there are mountains over there with snow on them you wise ass.

[pushes the empty space next to him as if someone was there] (Leans as if pushed back]

You wanna start something? Come on! I’m ready for you.

Gets up and pretends to box with someone for a while until he ends up in a headlock and calls out]

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Winter: UNCLE! I give. WHAT?! No I will not kiss your feet, you don’t wear shoes!

Stacia: Still battling your demons there Winter?

Winter: What? Hey Stacia! Nah, no demons in my life. Just getting a little exercise. Gotta keep fit you know. Doing a little, umm, yoga. HEY! I didn’t expect to see you today. You have to work on Christmas Eve? But you work for the state. That’s it, I’m never voting for ole Hinkeydinky again.

Stacia: No, it wasn’t hinkydinky’s fault, I just went in for a few hours to enjoy the peace and quiet in the office. I think I got as much done in 4 hours and I usually do in 2 days. The phone didn’t ring every 10 minutes. I didn’t get any “must answer right now” emails. Besides, I called in sick the past couple days.

Winter: You sick? (moving away from her)

Stacia: No, I just hate being in the office before the holiday. Everyone giving everyone else gifts. Spending money on stupid stuff for people you don’t even like to work with.

Winter: You don’t like getting presents?

Stacia: I don’t need any more stupid coffee mugs that say things like “I get twice as much done because I’m a Gemini” or fuzzy slippers that are the wrong size or one of those stupid plastic solar flowers that dance back in forth. If I want a dancing sunflower on my desk I’ll play Plants vs. Zombies.

Winter: Plants vs. Zombies??

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Stacia: Yeah, it’s a video game. Rather addicting I have to confess.

Winter: I didn’t know zombies were vegetarians. BROCCOLI!!!

Stacia: HAHAHAH, they aren’t. In the game there are all these different kinds of plants you strategically place on the lawn to protect the people in the house from having the zombies get in and eat their brains.

Winter: Well, it looks like you got a gift anyway.

Stacia: Oh, This is not for me.

Winter: Last minute shopping are you?

Stacia: Not really. I hate the holidays because it has become nothing but one big excuse to find the PERFECT GIFT for everyone you know, even people you don’t like you are suddenly expected to spend time and money to find whatever would be the one thing they really want. And then you get gifts you don’t want but have to look at the person who gave you something that will end up donated to the thrift store next chance you get and say “Wow, thanks, this is great. I really could use one of these, or this bright orange sweater is just my color.”

Winter: Hey, I could use a bright orange sweater!

Stacia: Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t really get a sweater that was just an example. (pause) But , actually, I do have something for you. (she turns to look in her purse and Winter snatches up the gift bag)

Winter: Oh, goody! I love getting presents (and pulls a doll out of the gift bag)

Stacia: Hey! That is not for you.

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Winter: Whew, good, because I already have a couple of those. Unless that one wets. I don’t have one that pees itself.

Stacia: That is for my daughter!

Winter: I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had a daughter. I’ve run into you at lunchtime for 6 months or so and I’ve never heard you mention her.

Stacia: Oh, she doesn’t live with me anymore.

Winter: Oh, lives with her dad?

Stacia: Not exactly. I was not a very good parent. She was taken away from me.

(pause, looking uncomfortable for a moment)

Winter: Well, at least you will get to give her the doll, right?

Stacia: Yeah, I visit her every Christmas Eve to give her a PERFECT GIFT. (setting the gift bag aside and pulling something out of her purse) THIS is for you.

Winter: (Laughs) a Starbucks Gift Card! Oh yeah, now those bastards at the starbucks on the mall won’t be able to kick me out so quickly. Thanks, Stacia. I’m touched you thought enough of me to get this for me.

Stacia: Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t get it for you. Someone gave it to me, but I don’t drink coffee. I knew you would like it.

Winter: What?!? (looking at her all incredulously)

Stacia: I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings.

Winter: (looking to no one on the other side of him) Can you believe that Vincent? She doesn’t drink coffee.

(pause for Vincent)

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Winter: I know! And STARBUCKS is like nectar of the GODS!

(pauses for Vincent)

Winter: NO, I will not share this with you. Get your own card.

Stacia: (laughs) Winter, it would be the nice thing to do to share with your imaginary friend.

Winter: (indignantly) Vincent is NOT my imaginary friend.

Stacia: I’m sorry. You’ve never introduced me.

Winter: Oh, well, Stacia meet Vincent. Vincent meet Stacia.

Stacia: Nice to meet you Vincent.

(pause while Vincent talks)

Winter: He says the pleasure is all his but that he would rather have a McDonalds gift card if you have an extra one of those.

Stacia: (laughs) Sorry Vincent. No luck.

Winter: No worries, he would use it to buy nothing but French fries and all that greasy food is not good for him.

(pause while Vincent talks)

Winter: They are NOT good for you, even now.

(pause while Vincent talks)

Winter: I’m just preaching the truth.

(pause while Vincent talks)

Winter: OK, go look at the holiday lights. I’ll see you later.

Stacia: Ugh! I cannot wait for all the holiday decorations to be GONE so life can get back to some kind of normal!

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Winter: What?! Don’t you think all the decorations and sparkly lights are pretty. I love them.

Stacia: I Hate them. All this peace on earth, goodwill to men. It’s all bullshit. At some point it may have been about that. Now the whole economic future of our country is determined by Black Friday, which by the way takes place from the Wednesday BEFORE Thanksgiving to the Sunday AFTER Thanksgiving. Every year the HOLIDAY season gets longer and longer. I saw Christmas stuff in the dollar stores staring in AUGUST! Someone I know proudly exclaimed right after LABOR DAY that all their holiday shopping was done and wrapped. On November 1st, NOVEMBER 1ST! I drove past a house and the front lawn was already full of Christmas Decorations. The house right next door was all Halloween. November 1st. I’m not sure what was more disturbing, the fact they had their decorations up or that most of it was hello kitty figures dressed as elves and Santa.

Winter: (laughs) that is a little disturbing. Although they could have been zombies. That would have been more disturbing.

Stacia: You know sooner or later people will figure out they can fill their yard with zombies for Halloween. Then in November they can put roast turkeys in the hands of the zombies for Thanksgiving, then in December they can add a manger a few elf hats and garland. People could decorate with zombies for Halloween and then just add elf hats and garland and make them Christmas decorations. Target had Christmas commercials on TV starting in October. On November 7th I heard my first radio ad with a Christmas theme and song – for Nestle tollhouse cookies. Because Santa deserves only the best cookies. On November 10th there was a radio

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station that played Christmas music all day. Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza. What the heck is Kwanza anyway?! It doesn’t matter anymore. The holidays don’t stand for what they should anymore.

Winter: What should they be like?

Stacia: I don’t know. It should be like when I was a kid.

Winter: What was it like then?

Stacia: I loved the holidays as a kid. I loved that in October you got all ready for Halloween. Then in November you looked forward to Thanksgiving. Then AFTER Thanksgiving you’d start getting excited about Christmas. Now it seems to all be merged together into one big holiday. Merry Halloturkeymas.

Winter: (LAUGHS) Yeah, that is kinda what it has turned into.

Stacia: We used to laugh at our neighbors who always put up their Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. That was their tradition.

Winter: Did your family have any traditions?

Stacia: Yeah. Lots of them. I grew up in a small town in upstate NY. My mom would make cut out cookies from my Grandmother’s cookie recipe and my brother and I would help decorate them. On Christmas Eve we didn’t have a dinner, we would have a little family Christmas party with all our favorite snack foods. My mother always had shrimp and cocktail sauce. I’d always help peel the shrimp. We would always have a blue cheese ball rolled in nuts and FANCY crackers. Saltines were the only crackers we ever had in the house all year, except for Christmas when we had the fancy crackers for the cheese ball. My dad would have to have pickled

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herring. Ewwww. I always like the little hot dog wieners in jelly sauce. My brother always wanted something like pizza flavored combos or Pringles or Doritos.

Winter: Pickles herring and Doritos, now that is a combination.

Stacia: We always had a live tree. We would go out to a tree farm and cut down a tree. Never more than two weeks before Christmas. It would sit and “settle” for a couple days before we would decorate it. The lights had to go on first. Then the ornaments and then the tinsel. We never had the garland kind, always the single silver strands. My dad would take a few days to put each one on just where it needed to be. He would put a few on, stand back and look at it, then put a few more on. My mother would throw a couple handfuls on and my dad would take them off and place them just right. My brother and I got a new ornament every year. My dad would put our initials and the year on it before we hung it up. I still have all those ornaments, all 21 of them.

Winter: Do you still put those ornaments on your tree?

Stacia: I don’t put a tree up anymore, I don’t see the point.

Winter: Maybe you should, just as a way to remind you of those times.

Stacia: Nah, most of those ornaments are broken. Just like my view of the holidays. Did you have any holiday traditions growing up? I mean, I assume you have not lived on the streets your entire life.

Winter: Of course we did. When I was really little it was kinda like you said about the tree and all. Only ours was fake. But we would hang cookie ornaments and make strings of popcorn, so the dog would have something to eat. But as the years went on, my Dad’s drinking got worse

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so Christmas came to mean big presents followed by big beatings. Especially for my Mom.

Stacia: I’m sorry Winter.

Winter: It got to where going to midnight mass was our salvation.

Stacia: Oh please, do not even get me started on religion. Most people have little faith and what they do have is just what they want to believe. There is not a single organized religion that does not have a flock full of sheep who are hypocritical idiots. They use religion as an excuse to NOT think for themselves and justify their bad behaviors. In December it is the worst of all because they are celebrating something they really know nothing about.

Winter: Except the Jahova’s Witnesses, they don’t believe in celebrating anything.

Stacia: No, they are the worst. I worked with a Witness once. He was a nice enough guy. Someone had a birthday we used to all pitch a few dollars in and get a cake. Of course he would not donate anything for the cake and refused to partake of the celebrating. But the next morning, I caught him in the office break room bright and early helping himself to the cake. I asked what he was doing and he said it was no longer her birthday so he could eat the cake. I pointed out that even though her birthday was yesterday, the cake was still a birthday cake. That the intent behind the cake was still the same, even the next day. He still ate it, the jerk. And all those Jehovah Witnesses make out like bandits

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over the holiday season. They may not celebrate anything but they still get all these sale prices.

Winter: So you think they should not shop at all.

Stacia: No, they should just not buy anything that is advertised as a holiday sale. That’s all I’m saying. I mean, you know who started this whole present thing on Christmas anyway?

Winter: Santa?!

Stacia: NO, the three wise men.

Winter: What?!

Stacia: Yep. The three wise men. I mean here is the baby Jesus. In a manger. No crib. Dressed in swaddling, whatever that is. And what do these wise men bring? Gold, Frankincense and Myhrr. I have no idea what frankincense and Myhrr are but I assume they are up there with gold somehow. How about maybe a blanket or something they can really use for the little guy. See how wise they were. They set the standard for everyone buying ridiculous shit for everyone else.

Winter: Tell me how you really feel there Stacia!

(Stacia just looks at him)

Winter: I know for sure that frankincense is a sandwich meat.

Stacia: I grew up on Pearl Street. A short street, 4 blocks long. At one end was the Presbyterian Church my Mom took us to. At the other end of the street, kinda kiddy corner to our house was the Catholic Church. For a few years while I was a kid we had a really neat youth minister at our church. He was young and good looking. He could really sing, too. He wanted to be in a Christian rock

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band. Anyway, one year at the end of our Christmas Eve service he just announces to the congregation that he felt like going caroling down Pearl Street and anyone who wanted to join him could meet him outside the church. Next thing you know there is a gaggle of 30-40 of us singing carols, walking down the middle of Pearl Street. People came out on their porches to listen to us. It turned out we ended up outside the Catholic Church as they are just starting their service. So we caroled the catholic congregation with Silent Night. That is the kind of thing the holidays should be about. I just don’t see anything like that anymore.

Winter: I see. Well, it’s getting late. When are you going to see your daughter? Are you having dinner with her?

Stacia: No, I go over later, when it is not so crowded.

Winter: Then why don’t you come have Christmas Eve dinner with me?

Stacia: I don’t think so. Are you going to a shelter for dinner? I would gladly buy you dinner Winter.

Winter: No, not necessary. A friend of mine have our own little holiday tradition on Christmas Eve. Why don’t you join us? We won’t have any pickled herring or hot dog thingies, but we might have Doritos.

Stacia: I suppose I could. Your friend won’t mind?

Winter: Nah! He’d love some more company. Besides, he’s never met you and I’ve told him all about you.

Stacia: Really? I suppose I have time before I go see my daughter. Is it very far from here?

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Winter: Just a short bus ride up Broadway then a short walk to our private oasis under a bridge.

Stacia: I can drive if you want; my car is not far from here.

Winter: I don’t know if you want me in your car. I don’t take my monthly bath until next week.

Stacia: No worries. That is what Fabreeze is for.

Lights fade to black

(lights up on APJ, who is setting a makeshift table and singing some mix of Christmas carols. After a minute or so he plugs in a string of Christmas lights.)

APJ: PERFECT!

(from behind the curtain)

Stacia: Wow! You actually live down here under this bridge? No one bothers you?

Winter: Nah! Most f the other homeless people either go to the shelters or think we are too crazy to associate with.

APJ: Winter! You brought home company! How fabulous! Who is this?!

Winter: Stacia, this is Andrew Paul Jarrett. Mr. Jarrett, this is Stacia. The lady who shares lunch with me a lot. I told you about her. I didn’t think you’d mind if she came to our little Christmas Eve celebration.

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APJ: Of course I don’t mind!! How nice to meet you Stacia. Please call me APJ. All my friends so. By the way, you make the best chicken salad. Winter brought some to me once. You don’t happen to have any on you now do you?

Stacia: Nice to meet you APJ. Ummm, no, sorry, I don’t.

APJ: Oh, that’s ok, but you must share with my how you make it so yummy.

Stacia: All I do is use leftover rotisserie chicken from King Soopers; add a little mayo and celery.

APJ: So simply but so delicious. WELCOME to our humble abode under the bridge. So nice of you to come spend some time with a couple of old trolls.

Stacia: Oh, I don’t think you’re trolls!

APJ: Well we do! HA!

Winter: Hey, speak for yourself!

Stacia: This is, ummm, nice. How do you have Electricity?

Winter: Oh, I used to work for the utility company so I know how to tap into the street light up the hill.

Stacia: And you actually sleep down here? Why don’t you go to a shelter?

APJ: Winter hates the shelters; they always want to make him shower.

Winter: Hey! Once a month is plenty. I do change my undies regularly.

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APJ: We have a shelter we made just over there and have some super warm sleeping bags we got from folks waiting overnight for the SNAIGRAB sale.

Winter: Hey are pretty toasty warm.

APJ: Especially if we snuggle up with one another.

Winter: Hey now!

Stacia: Oh, are the two of you a ….couple?

APJ: I wish! Winter says he won’t come out of the closet until everyone can get married legally.

Winter That’s right!

APJ: He was sweating bullets earlier this year. But with politics going the way they are it will happen sooner than later.

Winter: What APJ doesn’t realize is that when I do come out I will grow tits, put on a big blond wig and lipstick. I’ll look like Madonna on Crack!

APJ: You’ll be beautiful to me.

(Pauses and listens to buddy)

Winter: laughs

APJ: Now buddy, that was not a nice thing to say! Apologize right now.

Winter: No, no he is right.

Stacia: Who’s right?

APJ: Oh, let me introduce you. Buddy this is Stacia, Stacia this is Buddy (gesturing to the empty space next to him).

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Stacia: Oh, you have an imaginary friend too? Nice to meet you Buddy.

APJ: Buddy is NOT an imaginary friend.

Winter: Hey, is Vinny around? He went to look at all the twinkly lights but I figured he’d be back by now.

APJ: I haven’t seen him in a while.

Winter: He should be here soon. What did you get for our feast? (starts grabbing at dollar store bags!)

APJ: (Slaps Winter’s hand and takes the bags) Hey, I was just getting ready to set the table. I bet you have not washed your hands recently so you better not touch anything. Now go wash your hands!

Witer: Yes Ma! (Winter goes back through the lights.)

Stacia: Ummm, where is he going to wash his hands?

APJ: You see the river down there? Well, fish PEE IN THAT! So we have wipes back in our shelter. You want to help set up?

Stacia: Sure, I’d love to.

APJ: Well, in here are all the plates and napkins. Just make sure to put a rock on each one so they don’t blow away.

Stacia: OK (starts to put things out) So, how long have you and Winter been, um, hanging out together under a bridge.

APJ: Well, I’m not exactly sure. We were both reborn about the same time. It has been a few years. Maybe 3 – 4 years.

(listens to Buddy)

APJ: NO! Buddy, It has not been 7 years!

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(listens for a while longer)

APJ: WOW, I guess it has been about 7 years. Time sure flies when you are having fun.

Stacia: “Reborn”? Are you both born again Christians?

APJ: LAUGHS – Oh, no, Stacia. By reborn I mean when we decided to give up the rat race and live on our own terms. No rules to live by unless we make them. No taxes! YAY to no taxes!

Stacia: So you both decided to live like this?

APJ: Sure did. Just walked away from all the bullshit. I can’t speak for Winter but I am the happiest I have ever been. Oh, we need to set up 5 plates darlin’. Vincent and Buddy are part of the celebration.

Stacia: Oh, right! Sorry, I didn’t realize.

(Winter returns through the lights with his Bumble)

Wier: Hey now! It can’t be a Christmas Eve celebration without our center piece. (sets Bumble on the table)

Stacia: Hey! Bumbles bounce! Rudolph was one of my favorite shows growing up.

Winter: Yeah, mine too. I love all those holiday specials.

Stacia: That’s yet another thing wrong with the holidays! It used to be you had to make sure to check the TV Guide to see when they are playing so you wouldn’t miss them. Now they are all available on DVD and ON DEMAND on cable. You can see them any time.

APJ: My favorite was always “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year”. It was the 1976 sequel to the 1964 original.

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Stacia: Why is that your favorite?

APJ: First of all, instead of taking presents to kids he is showing people that it is ok to march to your own drum. You see Father Time has to take the baby NY by midnight so he gets Rudolph to help find him. Baby’s got big fucking ears that he hides under a big top hat. And everyone laughs at him so he ran away and Rudolph has to find him to show him it is ok to be different. And there is this big ugly vulture who reminds me of my father after he ate a plate full of beans.

Stacia: My favorite was “The year without a Santa Claus” I just loved the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser brothers who hated each other. (Sings a little) Boy did Mother Nature put them in their place to save Christmas.

Winer: You know what? My name is Winter because of a holiday show. After many years of staying sober, It just wasn't enough for me, I wanted change, But how? How could I change if i didn't know how or if I even could. the fight within me was tremendous. During Christmas, a few years back, I was watching "Santa is coming to town", I love that show and I saw it.......Santa giving the evil winter wizard a gift......his heart melted and he changed into a good person. but he said that going from bad to good wasn't going to be easy. Santa laughs and says going from bad to good is as easy as taking your first steps. ~sings~ “Just put one step in front of the other…” Stacia joins in…

Stacia: I love that song. You really changed your name because of that.

Winter: Yep. All legal and everything.

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APJ: Do you remember the one about Nester the Long Eared Donkey?

Stacia: Are you making that up?

APJ: No, Nester the long eared Christmas donkey. So Nester had these abnormally long ears and the roman soldiers came and took all the donkeys except Nester because he was a freak. His mom escaped from the soldiers and found Nester in a blizzard and covered him up with her body. Nester wakes the next morning and his mom is a popsicle.

(pauses to listen to buddy)

APJ: No, Buddy, she was dead. Then Nester ended up wrapping his ginormous ears around the pregnant Mary during a sandstorm and brings them to the manger. Very sad but his differences set him apart.

Winter: What is it with you and your love of characters with ear issues?

Stacia: As a child I loved watching all of them. My mom used to mark the calendar on the side of the fridge so we knew what was on when. SIGHS. You know, I should have realized in college that my childhood was over when we turned all those specials into drinking games.

Winter & APJ: WHAT?!?

Stacia: Yeah, at the beginning of each show we would decide what about that show we would have to drink to. Like every time Rudolph’s nose lit up. We all got really drunk watching the Grinch when we decided to drink every time they said “WHO” (Sings ) Ba who doray, ba who doray)

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(All laughing)

Winter: Hey Vincent you made it!

(listens to Vincent)

Wnter: What? No, the cartoon version of the Grinch is way better than Jim Carrey!

APJ: All the modern holiday movies all suck. The best ones were all made before 1960.

Winter: Yeah, like Miracle on 34th Street. “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Clause”

Stacia: I liked “A Christmas Carol” even though it scared me. I felt bad for Tiny Tim.

Winter: Oh, no! Did she just say “A Christmas Carol”?

(pause for Vincent)

Winter: I know Vinnie…..VINNY! PLEASE!

Stacia: What’s wrong with “A Christmas Carol”?

APJ: Vincent really, really REALLY dislikes that movie.

Stacia: Why?

APJ: He hates the depiction of the ghosts.

(pauses to listen to Vincent)

APJ: I know that Vincent, Stacia won’t understand.

Stacia: Understand what?

Winter: Why he hates the ghosts.

Stacia: Is he afraid of them or something?

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Winter: No, he says they are not realistic. That there are NO ghosts like that.

APJ: OK OK OK, let’s just change the subject and get into our Christmas Eve feast. I’m almost done making chocolate covered pretzels here for everyone. I got some snacks and treats from the dollar store, and my favorite chef at Breakfast King had some “leftovers” for us. I don’t know about you all but I’m hungry! Winter, I even got something extra special for you! (Pulling out a bottle of sparkling juice)

Winter: Awww! You shouldn’t have, but I’m glad you did.

Stacia: How did you afford all this? Did you get all this given to you?

Winter: Nah, Nick is the real breadwinner of the two of us. He’s dyslexic so his signs don’t always make sense.

Stacia: What do you mean?

APJ: See (holding up a sign “Will Fork for Wood.”) People think I am just being funny so I get a lot of money given to me. Plus, being the holiday’s people have been more generous.

Winter: Hey APJ, Stacia gave me a gift card to Starbucks!

APJ: Better watch out Stacia, you’ll never get rid of him now.

Stacia: Oh, I’m not sure I want to get rid of him. I like having someone to spend my lunch with other than my pain in the ass co-workers.

Winter: See, she likes me,

(pauses to listen to Vincent)

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Winter: Hey, you do too like me. Why would you have stuck with me all these years if you didn’t?

APJ: Pulling things out of bags. I got a whole selection of treats at the dollar store including peanut brittle and (naming things out of the bag saving for last….) I got some fancy crackers Stacia. I couldn’t find a blue cheese ball so I got a can of spray cheese instead. But I did find pickled herring. You really eat this stuff?

Stacia: Laughs, no not really. My dad was the one…… pause…. Hey, how did YOU know about the blue cheese ball and the pickled herring?

Winter: Buddy! Were you eavesdropping? That is not very nice. You should apologize to Stacia.

Stacia: WAIT! Just who the heck are Vincent and Buddy?

Winter and APJ look at each other

APJ: Think we can tell her? She’s your friend.

Winter: We can try to explain it. Worst that can happen is she will think we are nucking futz.

APJ: Well, Stacia, Buddy and Vincent are our guardian angels.

Stacia: PAUSE, What, you mean like Clarence in “It’s a Wonderful Life”?

APJ: Kind of.

Stacia: Are they ghosts?

Winter: No, no don’t use the “G” word.

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Stacia: But I don’t understand. How do you know Buddy?

APJ: Buddy showed up right up after my boyfriend died rather suddenly and unexpectedly. He sorta looks out for me and helps me make sound decisions.

Winter: You see Stacia, it is because of Vincent and Buddy that we can survive the way we do out here.

Stacia: But why don’t they just tell you what some winning lottery numbers are so you don’t have to live like this.

Winter: Oh no, Vincent calm down!

APJ: Really, then why doesn’t he click his heels together three times and bring my boyfriend back?

Winter: Stacia, they cannot see into the future, they are not time travelers, they are not omnipotent.

APJ: They are guardian angels, what part of guardian angels don’t you get?

Stacia: I don’t “get” any of it. Why do you have them, but others don’t? Why can you see and hear them and others don’t?

Winter: Because you have to need them and believe in them and listen with your heart.

Stacia: (Pause) That’s crazy.

APJ: Sorry Winter, looks like you just lost your lunch companion.

Winter: Stacia look. Many years ago I worked for the power company running lines. It was a dangerous job, twice I got zapped really bad and survived. No idea how or why but I did and I always thought that if it ever happened again I would not be lucky again. Well, one day my

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partner and I were out repairing a main line. We were told it was safe to pick up and move. So we went to pick it up and it was live. We both got zapped with umpteen million jolts. I just happened to be standing on some railroad ties that grounded me enough and I survived. My friend, Vincent, did not. After the other two times, I just felt very lucky and grateful. This time, I could not feel grateful for surviving when Vinnie didn’t. I almost went back down the path of drugs and alcohol I had left behind. Then Vincent came to me. He saved me and has kept me safe all these years.

APJ: He’s like got his back, yo!

Stacia: So, did you know Buddy before?

APJ: Yeah. He was a relative, one of the few, who got me. He may not have understood me but he accepted me for who I was, even when it mean bringing home a boyfriend. He died from liver cancer pretty young. Twenty years later when my boyfriend got sick he showed up, but kinda different.

Stacia: How different.

APJ: It’s like him, but younger and calmer. That’s all I can say. He makes me slow down and reminds me it is ok to be me just the way I am. He’s kinda like walking, talking Xanex. And I don’t need a prescription.

Stacia: But why do the two of you have them and others don’t?

Winter: Lots of other people have them. Some live on the streets. Some are very successful business men or politicians. Some have them, but may not realize it, or really listen to them.

Stacia: Why don’t I have one?

A Perfect Gift

Winter: Maybe you do but don’t know it. Or maybe you don’t need one?

APJ: Maybe no one important enough to you has died?

Stacia: More than a few people I have loved have died.

APJ: Then you just don’t need one.

Winter: Or maybe you haven’t listened with your heart? (both patting their hearts with their hands)

Stacia: (Looking at them like they are nuts)I have to bring my daughter her present before it gets too late. Thank you for inviting me to join you tonight.

(Stacia Leaves)

APJ: That’s it, she thinks were nucking futz.

Winter: Oh, well, let’s toast to being nucking futz then shall we.

(lights fade to black)

Blue wash up to indicate night time, set is a single gravestone.

A Perfect Gift

Stacia: Hiya Katie Girl. Sorry I’m late. I ended up under a bridge with a couple of crazy homeless guys. But I’m here now. (pulling sown sleeves and wrapping scarf around neck tighter) I should have brought my coat. It gets much colder once the sun goes down. I brought you a present. I know what you’re thinking (takes doll out of bag), that you are too old for dolls now. I know that, technically, you would be 20 now. But you’ll always be 7 to me.

I even dressed it in the little onsie you wore home from the hospital. You were so tiny. I don’t think I really understood what it meant to love someone until I held you in my arms. You remember the lullaby I sand to you.

[Sings] Mama loves you, Mama loves you, Mama loves you yes she does. Mama loves you, Mamma loves you, Mamma loves you yes she does. Mamma loves her Katie girl, Mamma loves her Katie girl, Mamma loves you, Momma loves you, Momma loves her baby girl.

You always loved your dolls and stuffed animals. Remember that Barney the Dinosaur you carried around for 2 years? It didn’t matter what kind of doll. Barbie dolls, baby dolls, any kind of doll. When you were 7 you were all about Bratz dolls. They only had like 20 different ones. I made you pick out a few you really wanted for Santa to bring you. It was going to be such a good Christmas, too.

I still don’t understand how it went so wrong so fast. It was Christmas Eve and I had to get some paperwork from the office. We ended up on 16th Street Mall after. We got hot chocolate and were looking at the lights and

A Perfect Gift

the window displays. I remember it like it was yesterday.

SOUND CUE

Ohhh, Momma, look at that doll!

She is very pretty.

She’s PERFECT! I want Santa to bring her!

Well, honey, I think it’s a little late for Santa to bring you that. He comes tonight.

I know! But he’s magical so I bet if I wish really loudly he will know and bring her to me.

Oh, I don’t know about that.

Momma! He has to bring me that doll! She is the only thing I want.

Katie, you told Santa you wanted Bratz dolls.

I don’t. I want her. If Santa doesn’t bring her my Christmas will be ruined!

Katie, stop behaving like this.

Like what? I have to wish really loud for Santa so you need to shut up now.

Katie! That is not nice. You don’t talk to your mother like that. You are behaving like a spoiled little brat.

Katie come back here!

Sound of a car screeching and a thud.

Stacia: You were gone. Just like that. I was numb for days. At your funeral it didn’t seem real. I will never forget what the priest said….

[Single spot in back corner – a priest stands]

Priest: It is never easy when we lose one so young. But we must trust in God. Believe that he has his reasons and that those reasons are good. We must remember that

A Perfect Gift

Katelyn was never really ours to begin with. She served God’s purpose on Earth and he brought her home. Little Katelyn is in a better place now. She is with God in his kingdom. Let us pray. (spot fades)

Stacia: YOU DID NOT BELONG TO GOD! [crying] You belonged to me. You were 7 years old! What purpose could you have already served on this Earth? Why would God take you from me like that? Why?

I am so sorry, Katie. I never meant…… I just get so angry at the holidays. Everyone so happy and celebrating. I can’t celebrate. I’m too sad. And I feel so guilty. I am so sorry! I just want to know that you don’t hate me. I just want to know that you forgive me. I am just so very sorry Katie. I just want to know.

[Stacia stops and looks around to see if anyone is near. She sets the doll down, takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and pats her heart with her hand like the homeless men did for a few moments. She suddenly opens her eyes and looks to the side as if someone is talking to her.

Stacia Oh Katie! [pause] you do?! Oh, thank you! [Stacia drops to her knees to hug Katie] BLACK OUT.

A Perfect Gift

Ohhh, Momma, look at that doll!

She is very pretty.

She’s PERFECT! I want Santa to bring her!

Well, honey, I think it’s a little late for Santa to bring you that. He comes tonight.

I know! But he’s magical so I bet if I wish really loudly he will know and bring her to me.

Oh, I don’t know about that.

Momma! He has to bring me that doll! She is the only thing I want.

Katie, you told Santa you wanted Bratz dolls.

I don’t. I want her. If Santa doesn’t bring her my Christmas will be ruined!

Katie, stop behaving like this.

Like what? I have to wish really loud for Santa so you need to shut up now.

Katie! That is not nice. You don’t talk to your mother like that. You are behaving like a spoiled little brat.

Katie come back here!