parenting the hurting child - cwicenter.org for adoptive and... · beyond consequences, logic, and...

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CARING FOR THE HURTING A Training for Caregivers Kenny Tello, LCSW, CAP, CCTP 407-417-7430 ext. 2226 [email protected]

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Page 1: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

CARING FOR THE

HURTING A Training for Caregivers

Kenny Tello, LCSW, CAP, CCTP

407-417-7430 ext. 2226

[email protected]

Page 2: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

Housekeeping Items

Cellphones

Sharing

Questions

Page 3: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

Learn about how children develop relationships.

Learn basic information about the brain.

Learn about the role of trauma in children’s behavioral problems.

Learn practical strategies to help hurting children heal.

Increase confidence in caring for these children.

Page 4: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

PARENTING THE

HURTING CHILD

Page 5: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

Attachment Cycle

Page 6: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

TRAUMA

Examples: domestic violence,

substance abuse exposure,

threats, abuse, neglect,

moving, loss, bullying, etc.

Virtually anything can

become traumatic.

It depends on how the body

and brain respond to the

event and how the child

makes sense of it.

“A deeply distressing, unpleasant, difficult or disturbing experience”

Page 7: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

The Brain

• The main purpose is to keep us alive.

• It develops from the bottom up.

• Information goes in from the bottom up.

• The brain is a historical organ.

• Freeze / Flight / Fight / Collapse

• All experiences shape the brain.

• Tolerance ———————— Sensitivity

Page 8: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

Coherent Narrative

This “making sense” involves

both:

The Top Brain

The Bottom Brain

Making Sense of What Happened

Diagnosis and the DSM 5

Page 9: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

RELATIONSHIPS

Seen Safe

Soothed Secure

Page 10: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

What Does NOT Work:

Punishment

Time-outs

Threats

Deprivation

“Equality”

Page 11: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

What DOES Work: Touch

Eye Contact

Movement

Rhythm

Rhymes

Predictability

Praise

Reasonable Expectations

Page 12: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

What Should You Do? Watch expectations.

Parent children sequentially even if it doesn’t make sense chronologically.

Increase support system.

Consequences without anger.

Avoid control battles.

Choose your battles.

Interactions should never be a reward.

Seek professional help when behaviors are extreme.

Take care of yourself.

Page 13: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe
Page 14: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe
Page 15: PARENTING THE HURTING CHILD - cwicenter.org for Adoptive and... · Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to helping attachment-challenged children with severe

References

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problems. Bowling Green, KY: SOS Programs & Parents Press.

Doherty, W. J. (1999). The intentional family: Simple rituals to strengthen family ties. New York: Avon Books.

Eldridge, S. (1999). Twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew. New York, NY: Dell Pub.

Forbes, H. T., & Post, B. B. (2006). Beyond consequences, logic, and control: A love-based approach to

helping attachment-challenged children with severe behaviors. Orlando, FL: Beyond Consequences Institute.

Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon &

Schuster.

Keck, G. C., Kupecky, R. M., & Mansfield, L. G. (2002). Parenting the hurt child: Helping adoptive families

heal and grow. Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press.

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child

psychiatrist's notebook : what traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing. New York:

Basic Books.

Purvis, K. B., Cross, D. R., & Sunshine, W. L. (2007). The connected child: Bring hope and healing to your

adoptive family. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm: The power and purpose of the teenage brain.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's

developing mind. New York: Delacorte Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help

you raise children who thrive. New York: J.P. Tarcher/Putnam.

Szalavitz, M., & Perry, B. D. (2010). Born for love: Why empathy is essential-- and endangered. New York:

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