ParentingParenting

ReferencesReferences• The Holy Bible By Our Awesome GodThe Holy Bible By Our Awesome God

• Positive Discipline Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen.by Jane Nelsen.

ISBN: 0-345-40251-0 ISBN: 0-345-40251-0

• The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.Care by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.

ISBN: 0-8054-6198-1 ISBN: 0-8054-6198-1

Basic ConceptsBasic Concepts

• Children, obey your Children, obey your PARENTSPARENTS in the in the Lord, for this is right. Eph 6:1Lord, for this is right. Eph 6:1

• Children, obey your Children, obey your PARENTSPARENTS in the in the Lord, for this is right. Col 3:20.Lord, for this is right. Col 3:20.

• And you, fathers, do not provoke your And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the in the training and admonition of the Lord.Lord. Eph 6:4 Eph 6:4

• Fathers, do not Fathers, do not PROVOKEPROVOKE your your children, lest they become children, lest they become discouraged. discouraged. Col 3:21Col 3:21

1) God Designed Parents with the 1) God Designed Parents with the necessary Tools for parenting!!necessary Tools for parenting!!• Parents are bombarded by numerous Parents are bombarded by numerous

advice about parenting and they feel advice about parenting and they feel inadequate and worried. inadequate and worried.

• We should encourage parents while We should encourage parents while they are asking for advice.they are asking for advice.

• In order to tap into their God-given In order to tap into their God-given parenting ability, they need to always parenting ability, they need to always keep their eyes on the best parent: keep their eyes on the best parent: our heavenly father. our heavenly father.

• We need to help them believe that We need to help them believe that God would not have given them a God would not have given them a child they cannot handle.child they cannot handle.

• We have the advantage of having We have the advantage of having the church and the Lord Jesus to the church and the Lord Jesus to guide and help us through our guide and help us through our parenting journey.parenting journey.

• Parenting is still the most important Parenting is still the most important and probably the most difficult job a and probably the most difficult job a parent will ever do.parent will ever do.

• We are taught from birth to obey our We are taught from birth to obey our parents, to obey our teachers, to obey parents, to obey our teachers, to obey our pastors. Yet, parenting advice is our pastors. Yet, parenting advice is often a matter of opinion. And when it often a matter of opinion. And when it comes to parenting opinions, everyone comes to parenting opinions, everyone certain that their way is the right way certain that their way is the right way

• Remember, nothing divides people like a Remember, nothing divides people like a difference in opinion on how to raise difference in opinion on how to raise children. children.

• There is no one way to take care of There is no one way to take care of every child. If there were, we would all every child. If there were, we would all be clones.be clones.

• There are certain basic principles of There are certain basic principles of childrearing that are founded on childrearing that are founded on biblical principles and supported by biblical principles and supported by scientific research experience, and scientific research experience, and plain old common sense, Yet much of plain old common sense, Yet much of what we know is in the realm of what we know is in the realm of opinion. opinion.

• Most parents are not prepared for Most parents are not prepared for parenting at the time of having their parenting at the time of having their first childfirst child

• Preparation to be a parent starts from Preparation to be a parent starts from childhood.childhood.

2) 2) The goal is to be Godly parents.The goal is to be Godly parents.

• In order to advice parents we need In order to advice parents we need to study how God as a father parents to study how God as a father parents us.us.

•Prayer is a very powerful parenting Prayer is a very powerful parenting tool.tool.

•Our model in parenting should be Our model in parenting should be the Lord Jesus himself and as well as the Lord Jesus himself and as well as his saints, e.g. the mother of us all his saints, e.g. the mother of us all St. Mary.St. Mary.

•Studying parenting is very important Studying parenting is very important but should have the bible as a guide.but should have the bible as a guide.

3)3)There are many parenting schools.There are many parenting schools.•There are as many parenting There are as many parenting

schools as there are parents.schools as there are parents.

•Some groups are very strict.Some groups are very strict.

•Some groups advocate spanking.Some groups advocate spanking.

•Some groups completely against Some groups completely against any physical punishment.any physical punishment.

•Some use the bible in a literal and Some use the bible in a literal and manipulative ways and others does manipulative ways and others does not use the bible at all.not use the bible at all.

4)The Bible and Parenting.4)The Bible and Parenting. • The bible is not intended to be a The bible is not intended to be a

parenting book.parenting book.• Many of the parenting principles from Many of the parenting principles from

the bible has to be taken within the the bible has to be taken within the context and also has to be flexible and context and also has to be flexible and allow for individual differences.allow for individual differences.

• The bible provides general guidelines The bible provides general guidelines like the constitution but it will need like the constitution but it will need interpretation depending on the interpretation depending on the situation and the individuals.situation and the individuals.

• The key is to surround yourself with The key is to surround yourself with good and godly people that can good and godly people that can provide sound advice.provide sound advice.

5) 5) Parents should be the experts on their Parents should be the experts on their children's needs.children's needs.

• Through prayer, reading the bible and Through prayer, reading the bible and advice parents should become the advice parents should become the experts on how to parent their children.experts on how to parent their children.

• Any external advice should be carefully Any external advice should be carefully examined before applied to “MY” child.examined before applied to “MY” child.

• Some of the most logical and well Some of the most logical and well known advice about raising kids may known advice about raising kids may not be good or may even be very not be good or may even be very harmful to some children.harmful to some children.

Examples:Examples:

• Spanking children who are: depressed, Spanking children who are: depressed, mentally retarded, has ADHD, mentally retarded, has ADHD, traumatized of very anxious etc.traumatized of very anxious etc.

• Refusing to allow kids to come to Refusing to allow kids to come to parents’ bedparents’ bed

• Leaving babies to cry themselves to Leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep.sleep.

• Not picking up babies when they cry.Not picking up babies when they cry.

6) What happened to the good old 6) What happened to the good old days?days?• Adults no longer give children an Adults no longer give children an

example or model of obedience and example or model of obedience and submission. e.g. wife to husband, submission. e.g. wife to husband, employee to boss etc.employee to boss etc.

““When Dad lost control of Mom they both When Dad lost control of Mom they both lost control of the children”.lost control of the children”.

• Current society provide children with Current society provide children with very few opportunities to learn very few opportunities to learn responsibility and motivation. We no responsibility and motivation. We no longer need children for economic longer need children for economic survival.survival.

7) The foundation:7) The foundation:1) 1) Commitment to God centered life.Commitment to God centered life.• The most important step is to commit The most important step is to commit

wholeheartedly to living Godly life.wholeheartedly to living Godly life.• Any relationship needs commitment.Any relationship needs commitment.• When we strongly commit to the Lord our children When we strongly commit to the Lord our children

will see the example and do the same.will see the example and do the same.• Parents need to take the time to know the Lord.Parents need to take the time to know the Lord.

2) Commitment to Husband-Wife relationship2) Commitment to Husband-Wife relationship• Life-long relationshipLife-long relationship

• A fulfilling relationshipA fulfilling relationship..

..

3) Parenting is a form of a discipleship3) Parenting is a form of a discipleship

• Discipline comes from the Latin word Discipline comes from the Latin word “disciplus” or “disciple” which best expresses “disciplus” or “disciple” which best expresses the relationship of a child to a parent.the relationship of a child to a parent.

• Parents should act as teachers and an Parents should act as teachers and an examples ( a model) for their children.examples ( a model) for their children.

• The Goal of parenting is to help children The Goal of parenting is to help children develop self control, character and values. Like develop self control, character and values. Like good teachers, parents goal is to get their good teachers, parents goal is to get their children to depend on themselves and be children to depend on themselves and be independent.independent.

• The True Good Teacher is the Lord Jesus Christ.The True Good Teacher is the Lord Jesus Christ.

• If parents model themselves after the Lord, they will be If parents model themselves after the Lord, they will be “good” parents.“good” parents.

• We CANNOT be “good” parents without having the Lord We CANNOT be “good” parents without having the Lord Jesus, through his Holy spirit, dwelling in us.Jesus, through his Holy spirit, dwelling in us.

• We cannot be “the light” and “the way” to our children We cannot be “the light” and “the way” to our children without following the “True Light” and “The True Way” without following the “True Light” and “The True Way” ourselves.ourselves.

• Parents has to be the mirror that the children will see and Parents has to be the mirror that the children will see and experience The Lord and his Love.experience The Lord and his Love.

8) Long Term Goals Of Parenting.8) Long Term Goals Of Parenting.Help them learn the seven skills:Help them learn the seven skills:

1- 1- Strong perception of personal Strong perception of personal capabilities (I am capable)capabilities (I am capable)

2- 2- Strong perception of significance in Strong perception of significance in primary relationships (I contribute in primary relationships (I contribute in meaningful ways and I am genuinely meaningful ways and I am genuinely needed).needed).

3- 3- Strong perceptions of personal Strong perceptions of personal power or influence over life (I can power or influence over life (I can influence what happens to me)influence what happens to me)

4- 4- Strong Strong intraintrapersonal skills ( the personal skills ( the ability to understand personal ability to understand personal emotions and to use that emotions and to use that understanding to develop self-understanding to develop self-discipline and self control).discipline and self control).

5- 5- Strong Strong interinterpersonal skills (the personal skills (the ability to work with others and ability to work with others and develop friendships through develop friendships through communicating, cooperating, communicating, cooperating, negotiation sharing empathizing negotiation sharing empathizing and listening)and listening)

6-6-Strong systemic skills ( the ability to Strong systemic skills ( the ability to respond to the limits and respond to the limits and consequences of everyday life with consequences of everyday life with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity.and integrity.

7-7-Strong Judgmental skills (the ability Strong Judgmental skills (the ability to use wisdom and to evaluate to use wisdom and to evaluate situations according to appropriate situations according to appropriate values).values).

Parenting Styles.Parenting Styles.

• Helicopter Parents (permissive, Helicopter Parents (permissive, rescuing) rescuing)

• Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness) Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness) ParentsParents

• Consultant Parents Consultant Parents

Helicopter Parents (permissive, Helicopter Parents (permissive, rescuing)rescuing) • Freedom without orderFreedom without order• Love means revolving their lives around Love means revolving their lives around

their childrentheir children• Hover over and rescue their children when Hover over and rescue their children when

trouble arises.trouble arises.• Always bailing out their childrenAlways bailing out their children• Viewed by others as model parents.Viewed by others as model parents.• Uncomfortable imposing consequences.Uncomfortable imposing consequences.• Fail to prepare their kids for the Fail to prepare their kids for the

unforgiving world.unforgiving world.• They may attack others who hold their They may attack others who hold their

children accountable, and declare their children accountable, and declare their children as victims.children as victims.

Drill Sergeant (excessive Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness) strictness) ParentsParents• Order without freedomOrder without freedom

• Love: The more they control the better their kids Love: The more they control the better their kids will be.will be.

• Often uses language full of put-downs and I-told Often uses language full of put-downs and I-told –you –so’s.–you –so’s.

• They force their kids what they want them to do.They force their kids what they want them to do.

• Their message is “you cannot think for yourself , Their message is “you cannot think for yourself , so I’ll do it for you”so I’ll do it for you”

• Their kids cannot think for themselves, and if Their kids cannot think for themselves, and if they did they make horrendous decisions.they did they make horrendous decisions.

• When they reach teen years they no longer listen When they reach teen years they no longer listen to parents but listen to friends. Also they rebel.to parents but listen to friends. Also they rebel.

Consultant Parent (positive Consultant Parent (positive discipline)discipline)• Freedom with orderFreedom with order

• Limited choices.Limited choices.

• Encourage their children to think about Encourage their children to think about their behavior.their behavior.

• Help them feel in control of their actions Help them feel in control of their actions by giving them choices within limits.by giving them choices within limits.

• Does not include blame, shame or pain Does not include blame, shame or pain as motivators.as motivators.

• Based on mutual respect and Based on mutual respect and cooperation.cooperation.

• Allow them to learn from their mistakes Allow them to learn from their mistakes by allowing them to fail in small things.by allowing them to fail in small things.

Parenting ChoicesParenting Choices

• Parenting is a relationship that Parenting is a relationship that develops naturally between the develops naturally between the parent and the baby.parent and the baby.

• Some parenting teachings will convey Some parenting teachings will convey that new parents can choose a that new parents can choose a system of child care that fits most system of child care that fits most conveniently into their own life style.conveniently into their own life style.

• ““Convenient parenting” is not God’s Convenient parenting” is not God’s design.design.

Attachment ParentingAttachment Parenting• Attachment parenting is in accordance Attachment parenting is in accordance

with God’s plan.with God’s plan.

• Attachment is the Mother-infant Attachment is the Mother-infant attachment is a special bond of closeness attachment is a special bond of closeness between mother and baby.between mother and baby.

• Helps babies to reach their fullest Helps babies to reach their fullest potential, and thrive.potential, and thrive.

• Babies are equipped with behaviors that Babies are equipped with behaviors that help mothers deliver the right care.help mothers deliver the right care.

• God gave mothers the chemistry and God gave mothers the chemistry and sensitivity to respond to their babies sensitivity to respond to their babies appropriately.appropriately.

• It is called “Mother’s intuition ”It is called “Mother’s intuition ”

Examples of Attachment Examples of Attachment Parenting AdviseParenting Advise• ““Be open to your baby’s cues”Be open to your baby’s cues”

• ““Take your baby with you”Take your baby with you”

• ““Respond promptly to cries”Respond promptly to cries”

• ““Sleep whenever you all sleep best”Sleep whenever you all sleep best”

• ““Wean when both of you are ready”Wean when both of you are ready”

• ““Let your baby sleep when he is tired”Let your baby sleep when he is tired”

Examples of Detachment Examples of Detachment Parenting AdviceParenting Advice• ““Don’t let your baby run your life”Don’t let your baby run your life”

• ““you’ ve got to get away from that kid.”you’ ve got to get away from that kid.”

• ““Get that baby on a schedule”Get that baby on a schedule”

• ““Let your baby cry it out”Let your baby cry it out”

• ““Don’t let your baby sleep in your bed; Don’t let your baby sleep in your bed; she’ll get used to it”she’ll get used to it”

• ““What, you’re still nursing?”What, you’re still nursing?”

• ““She’s controlling you”She’s controlling you”

• ““You’re making her dependent”You’re making her dependent”

Attachment Parenting Attachment Parenting Results.Results.

• Confidence in parenting skillsConfidence in parenting skills

• Know child well.Know child well.

• Develop realistic expectation.Develop realistic expectation.

• Adjust more easily to the new lifestyle.Adjust more easily to the new lifestyle.

• Enjoy baby more.Enjoy baby more.

• Keep pace with child.Keep pace with child.

• Child learns to trust.Child learns to trust.

• Child has much better ability to relate to Child has much better ability to relate to others.others.

Detachment parenting Detachment parenting Results.Results.

• Do not trust parenting skillsDo not trust parenting skills

• Mother and baby have a distant and Mother and baby have a distant and strained relationship.strained relationship.

• Mother compares baby to other babies.Mother compares baby to other babies.

• More easily resent baby’s demand.More easily resent baby’s demand.

• Mother will need alternative fulfillment.Mother will need alternative fulfillment.

• Mother is more vulnerable to unwise Mother is more vulnerable to unwise advice.advice.

• Child does not learn trustChild does not learn trust

• Very harmful to future relationships.Very harmful to future relationships.

Some Discipline Some Discipline BasicsBasics

The Positive approach The Positive approach

What Discipline Really What Discipline Really Means Means • Discipline is discipleship Discipline is discipleship

• Discipline begins with having the Discipline begins with having the right relationship with your child right relationship with your child more than practicing the right more than practicing the right techniques. techniques.

• It is something you do It is something you do withwith a child, a child, not not toto a child. a child.

• Discipline is basically giving your Discipline is basically giving your children the tools to save their souls children the tools to save their souls and succeed in life. and succeed in life.

• Parenting is not disciplining and Parenting is not disciplining and punishing but rather teaching caring punishing but rather teaching caring about others, controlling oneself and about others, controlling oneself and putting others’ wishes before ones’ putting others’ wishes before ones’ own.own.

• Parents should ask themselves from Parents should ask themselves from time to time “ what kind of a time to time “ what kind of a relationship do I want with my child” relationship do I want with my child”

Master- slave relationship or a Master- slave relationship or a relationship built on mutual respect relationship built on mutual respect and love. and love.

• Discipline is not to be equated with Discipline is not to be equated with punishment.punishment.

• Although punishment is an important part Although punishment is an important part of the whole discipline picture, it is not the of the whole discipline picture, it is not the large part; it’s important to have balance. large part; it’s important to have balance.

• In family living, discipline means showing In family living, discipline means showing children what behavior is expected of children what behavior is expected of them and the consequences of them and the consequences of misbehavior. The home is like a mini misbehavior. The home is like a mini society for a childsociety for a child

Critical MomentsCritical Moments..

• Parenting and discipline Takes place Parenting and discipline Takes place continuously through a series of continuously through a series of critical moments when the needs and critical moments when the needs and desires of the child come in conflict desires of the child come in conflict with his parents short-term or long-with his parents short-term or long-term goals.term goals.

Children are social beingsChildren are social beings

• Children make decisions about Children make decisions about themselves and how to behave, themselves and how to behave, based on how they see themselves in based on how they see themselves in relationship to others and how they relationship to others and how they think others feel about them.think others feel about them.

• Remember that children are Remember that children are constantly making decisions and constantly making decisions and forming beliefs about themselves, forming beliefs about themselves, about the world and about what they about the world and about what they need to do to survive or thrive. need to do to survive or thrive.

Behavior Is Goal OrientedBehavior Is Goal OrientedThe Theory of mistaken Goals of The Theory of mistaken Goals of behavior.behavior.• Children are not consciously aware of Children are not consciously aware of

the goal they hope to achieve.the goal they hope to achieve.

• Sometimes they have mistaken ideas Sometimes they have mistaken ideas of how to achieve what they want, of how to achieve what they want, and they behave in ways that achieve and they behave in ways that achieve just the opposite of their goal.just the opposite of their goal.

• For example, they may want to be For example, they may want to be liked, but they act obnoxious in their liked, but they act obnoxious in their awkward attempts to achieve this awkward attempts to achieve this goal.goal.

A child’s primary goal is to A child’s primary goal is to belong and to be significant belong and to be significant

• Misbehavior is based on a mistaken Misbehavior is based on a mistaken belief about how to achieve belief about how to achieve belonging and significance. belonging and significance.

• When a misbehaving child acts When a misbehaving child acts obnoxiously, it is easy to understand obnoxiously, it is easy to understand why it is difficult for most adults to why it is difficult for most adults to get past the misbehavior and get past the misbehavior and remember the real meaning and remember the real meaning and message behind it: “I just want to message behind it: “I just want to belong.” belong.”

FOUR MISTAKEN GOALS OF FOUR MISTAKEN GOALS OF BEHAVIOR BEHAVIOR

• AttentionAttention—”I belong only when I have —”I belong only when I have your attention.” your attention.”

• PowerPower—”I belong only when I’m —”I belong only when I’m winning or in charge, c at least when I winning or in charge, c at least when I don’t let you win.” don’t let you win.”

• RevengeRevenge—”It hurts that I don’t —”It hurts that I don’t belong, but at least I can hurt back.” belong, but at least I can hurt back.”

• Assumed Inadequacy—”I give up. It is impossible to belong.”

Social interest Social interest

• It means having concern for one’s It means having concern for one’s fellow person and a sincere desire to fellow person and a sincere desire to make a contribution to society. make a contribution to society.

• It is extremely important to teach It is extremely important to teach social interest to children. social interest to children.

• What good is academic learning if What good is academic learning if young people do not learn to become young people do not learn to become contributing members of society? contributing members of society?

Social interestSocial interest • Don’t do anything for a child that a child Don’t do anything for a child that a child

can do for herself.can do for herself.

• The first step in teaching social interest The first step in teaching social interest is to teach self-reliance.is to teach self-reliance.

• Then children are ready to help others Then children are ready to help others and feel extremely capable when they and feel extremely capable when they do. do.

• We have gone through an age of We have gone through an age of supermoms and super teachers, where supermoms and super teachers, where children have learned to expect the children have learned to expect the world to serve them rather than to be of world to serve them rather than to be of service to the world. service to the world.

Equality Equality • ““How can children be equal when they How can children be equal when they

don’t have the same experience, don’t have the same experience, knowledge, or responsibility?” knowledge, or responsibility?”

• Equality does not mean “the same”. Equality does not mean “the same”.

• Equality means that all people have Equality means that all people have equal claims to dignity and respect. equal claims to dignity and respect.

• Discipline does not include humiliation. Discipline does not include humiliation. Humiliating techniques are contrary to Humiliating techniques are contrary to the concepts of equality and mutual the concepts of equality and mutual respect. respect.

Understanding the child’s Understanding the child’s developmental stage and know developmental stage and know your Childyour Child• Very often parents’ confusion about Very often parents’ confusion about

discipline stems from a lack of discipline stems from a lack of understanding of what the child is capable understanding of what the child is capable of doing e.g. Punishing a 3 year old for a of doing e.g. Punishing a 3 year old for a lie.lie.

• ““Train up your child in the way he should Train up your child in the way he should go. . . .” (Prov. 22:6). This verse for go. . . .” (Prov. 22:6). This verse for discipline implies we know our child discipline implies we know our child

Children’s mistakes are their Children’s mistakes are their Opportunity to PracticeOpportunity to Practice

• Children don’t have the luxury to Children don’t have the luxury to practice their new skills.practice their new skills.

• It is much safer to allow them to It is much safer to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them make mistakes and learn from them in a controlled and safe in a controlled and safe environment.environment.

• If parents rescued them all the time If parents rescued them all the time they will never learn.they will never learn.

• In our society we are taught to be ashamed of In our society we are taught to be ashamed of mistake.mistake.

• What we need to achieve is the courage to What we need to achieve is the courage to change our debilitating beliefs about change our debilitating beliefs about imperfection. imperfection.

• When they make a mistake, they often receive When they make a mistake, they often receive the message that they are stupid.the message that they are stupid.

• Some people decide they are bad or Some people decide they are bad or inadequate.inadequate.

• Others decide they should not take risks for Others decide they should not take risks for fear of humiliation.fear of humiliation.

• Some decide they will be, sneaky about their Some decide they will be, sneaky about their mimi

• stakes stakes

• Many mistakes are made because Many mistakes are made because parents haven’t taken time for training parents haven’t taken time for training and encouragement.and encouragement.

• Model the courage to accept Model the courage to accept imperfection so that children will learn imperfection so that children will learn from you that mistakes truly are an from you that mistakes truly are an opportunity to learn.opportunity to learn.

• THE THREE Rs OF RECOVERY THE THREE Rs OF RECOVERY ::1. 1. RecognizeRecognize—”Wow! I made a mistake. —”Wow! I made a mistake.

2. 2. ReconcileReconcile—”I apologize.” —”I apologize.”

3. 3. ResolveResolve—”Let’s work on a solution —”Let’s work on a solution together.” together.”

Natural and logical Natural and logical ConsequencesConsequences

• When kids are punished they may think:When kids are punished they may think:– I am bad or worthlessI am bad or worthless– Decide not to repeat the behavior out of Decide not to repeat the behavior out of

fear.fear.– How to defeat you laterHow to defeat you later– How to avoid being caught in the future.How to avoid being caught in the future.– Think about revenge.Think about revenge.– Sense of unfairness.Sense of unfairness.

Natural Consequences:Natural Consequences:

• Is anything that happens naturally, with Is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference.no adult interference.

• Cannot use natural consequences if:Cannot use natural consequences if:– Child in dangerChild in danger– When they interfere with the rights of When they interfere with the rights of

others.others.– When the results of children’s behavior do When the results of children’s behavior do

not seem like a problem to them e.g. not not seem like a problem to them e.g. not taking a bath, brushing teeth, eating junk taking a bath, brushing teeth, eating junk food or not doing the homework.food or not doing the homework.

Logical consequencesLogical consequences

• They require the intervention of an They require the intervention of an adult.adult.

• Important to decide what kind of Important to decide what kind of consequence that will create helpful consequence that will create helpful learning experience.learning experience.

• Most effective when the child has been Most effective when the child has been involved, in advance, in deciding what involved, in advance, in deciding what consequences would be most consequences would be most conducive to help him or her learn.conducive to help him or her learn.

• Sometimes we punish out of revenge, or to Sometimes we punish out of revenge, or to demonstrate power.demonstrate power.

• Suffering is not a requirement of logical Suffering is not a requirement of logical consequences.consequences.

• It hard to apply logical consequences and it It hard to apply logical consequences and it is easier to just react and become engaged is easier to just react and become engaged in power struggle.in power struggle.

• Things can get worse before getting better.Things can get worse before getting better.

Three Rs of Logical Three Rs of Logical ConsequencesConsequences

• This help to ensure that the solutions This help to ensure that the solutions are logical consequences rather than are logical consequences rather than punishment:punishment:– Related. Writes on the desk, spills the Related. Writes on the desk, spills the

milk, write on the wall, etcmilk, write on the wall, etc– Respectful: “how can you be so clumsy”Respectful: “how can you be so clumsy”– Reasonable: clean every desk in the Reasonable: clean every desk in the

school is not reasonable.school is not reasonable.

MAKE SURE MAKE SURE THE MESSAGE THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GETS OF LOVE GETS THROUGH THROUGH

PunishmentPunishment

• All Parents have strong opinions when All Parents have strong opinions when it comes to the subject of punishment it comes to the subject of punishment and the use of punishment.and the use of punishment.

• Punishment, if used alone, is not Punishment, if used alone, is not effective on the long run because it is effective on the long run because it is entirely negative. It teaches the child entirely negative. It teaches the child what what NOTNOT to do but does not to do but does not teach teach what he or she what he or she SHOULD SHOULD dodo..

• Punishment effects are at best Punishment effects are at best temporary and when used too often it temporary and when used too often it looses its effectiveness.looses its effectiveness.

• Punishment provokes fear and fear Punishment provokes fear and fear gives quick response but usually no self gives quick response but usually no self discipline. discipline.

• Mutual respect does not mean all Mutual respect does not mean all family members are equal, it means family members are equal, it means that parenting and discipline takes that parenting and discipline takes place in a context of empathy, love , place in a context of empathy, love , protection and guidance.protection and guidance.

• What’s the use of discipline and What’s the use of discipline and parenting in general if it did not result parenting in general if it did not result is self-discipline. is self-discipline.

• Excessive Punishment causes the Excessive Punishment causes the child to believe that he or she is a child to believe that he or she is a “bad person” and results in low self “bad person” and results in low self esteem, low confidence and low self esteem, low confidence and low self control.control.

• Punishment in moderation may be Punishment in moderation may be necessary, but unless its done in a necessary, but unless its done in a larger positive context of discipline, it larger positive context of discipline, it will not be effective or even may be will not be effective or even may be harmful.harmful.

• There are different types of There are different types of punishment: For example, physical punishment: For example, physical punishment such as spanking, time punishment such as spanking, time out, grounding, taking away out, grounding, taking away privileges, etc privileges, etc

• Punishment effects are at best Punishment effects are at best temporary and when used too often it temporary and when used too often it looses its effectiveness.looses its effectiveness.

• Instead on focusing on the behavior that Instead on focusing on the behavior that inspired the punishment the child usually inspired the punishment the child usually focuses on anger toward the adult or focuses on anger toward the adult or shame about themselves.shame about themselves.

• Some adults think that children Some adults think that children misbehave because the punishment was misbehave because the punishment was not severe enoughnot severe enough

• Punishment works but temporarily. With Punishment works but temporarily. With punishment, parents may win discipline punishment, parents may win discipline battles , but they may loose the discipline battles , but they may loose the discipline war.war.

The Four Rs of PunishmentThe Four Rs of Punishment

• Resentment and anger “ This is unfair”Resentment and anger “ This is unfair”• Revenge “they are winning now, but I’ll Revenge “they are winning now, but I’ll

get even”get even”• Rebellion “I’ll do just the opposite to Rebellion “I’ll do just the opposite to

prove I don’t have to do it their way”prove I don’t have to do it their way”• Retreat, the from of sneakiness Retreat, the from of sneakiness

(passive- aggressive) or reduces self (passive- aggressive) or reduces self esteem “ I am a bad person, I give up”esteem “ I am a bad person, I give up”

Important punishment Important punishment rulesrules::

1-1- Use punishment sparingly: Too often Use punishment sparingly: Too often child gets used to it looses effectchild gets used to it looses effect

2-2- Choose punishments that will decrease Choose punishments that will decrease the undesirable behavior and change the undesirable behavior and change technique if not effective.technique if not effective.

3-3- Use punishment with positive Use punishment with positive technique. Encourage, Encourage, technique. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage.Encourage.

4-4- Don’t delay punishment. Don’t delay punishment.

5-5- Always explain consequences. Always explain consequences.

6-6- Be consistent Be consistent

7-7- Don’t make empty threats; don’t Don’t make empty threats; don’t give 2nd, 3rd and 10th chances.give 2nd, 3rd and 10th chances.

8-8- Make the punishment proportionate Make the punishment proportionate to the behavior.to the behavior.

9-9- If you ever use physical If you ever use physical punishment, make it brief and well punishment, make it brief and well controlled.controlled.

10-10- Never apply physical punishment Never apply physical punishment in anger and never use belts, in anger and never use belts, switches, cords, etc.switches, cords, etc.

What Does The Bible Say What Does The Bible Say About Discipline/ Punishment.About Discipline/ Punishment.

• Whoever spares the rod hates his son, Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. (Proverbs 13:24)discipline him. (Proverbs 13:24)

• Folly is bound up in the heart of a Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15)far from him. (Proverbs 22:15)

• Do not withhold discipline from a Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. (Proverbs 23:13)will not die. (Proverbs 23:13)

• Proverbs 22:15 and 29:15 support Proverbs 22:15 and 29:15 support this interpretation with the phrases this interpretation with the phrases "the rod of discipline" and "the rod of "the rod of discipline" and "the rod of correction." The writer is clearly not correction." The writer is clearly not referring here to a literal rod. referring here to a literal rod.

• Many studies have shown that Many studies have shown that punishment of any kind, especially punishment of any kind, especially corporal, only teaches a child not to corporal, only teaches a child not to get caught doing wrong. get caught doing wrong.

• Train up a child in the way he should Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:5)depart from it. (Proverbs 22:5)

• The rod and reproof give wisdom, but The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (proverbs 29:15)to his mother. (proverbs 29:15)

• Do not withhold discipline from a Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. (Proverbs 23:13-14(Proverbs 23:13-14))

• Discipline your son, for there is hope; Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him do not set your heart on putting him to death. (Proverbs 19:18)to death. (Proverbs 19:18)

How to interpret the bible How to interpret the bible versesverses

• First, lets get over the "literal First, lets get over the "literal interpretation" hurdle. interpretation" hurdle.

• If you take these verses absolutely If you take these verses absolutely literally, then they advocate literally, then they advocate punishing a child with an actual rod, punishing a child with an actual rod, an act that would be considered child an act that would be considered child abuse in most states. abuse in most states.

MAKE SURE MAKE SURE THE MESSAGE THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GETS OF LOVE GETS THROUGH THROUGH

Some Parenting Some Parenting SkillsSkills and Techniques and Techniques

Communication Is the Key Communication Is the Key to Disciplineto Discipline• ““Children, obey your parents in Children, obey your parents in

everything, for this pleases the Lord” everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Col. 3:20).(Col. 3:20).

• The term “obey” means to The term “obey” means to intelligently listen to. intelligently listen to.

• How you talk to your child. Often How you talk to your child. Often means the difference between means the difference between compliance and defiance. compliance and defiance.

Communication TipsCommunication Tips

• Constant remindingConstant reminding. “internalizing,” . “internalizing,” means the age at which children can means the age at which children can remember previous directives and remember previous directives and make them part of their usual way of make them part of their usual way of acting. This is why toddlers need to acting. This is why toddlers need to be told a thousand times. But by be told a thousand times. But by three, a child can begin to internalize three, a child can begin to internalize your instructions so that they sink in. your instructions so that they sink in.

• Connect before you direct.Connect before you direct.

• KISMIF—Keep it simple; make it fun KISMIF—Keep it simple; make it fun

• Rewind and replay. Rewind and replay.

• Be sure your child understands Be sure your child understands exactly what behavior is expected of exactly what behavior is expected of him and in what situations.him and in what situations.

• Let your child draw her own Let your child draw her own conclusions.conclusions.

• Speak respectfully Be ever so Speak respectfully Be ever so understanding. understanding.

Setting LimitsSetting Limits

• For children to thrive and parents to For children to thrive and parents to survive kids need boundaries.survive kids need boundaries.

• Most parents do a pretty good job of Most parents do a pretty good job of setting limits, but they forget that along setting limits, but they forget that along with setting limits, they must provide with setting limits, they must provide structure. structure.

• You establish house rules, but at the You establish house rules, but at the same time create conditions that make same time create conditions that make the rule easier to follow. the rule easier to follow.

Setting LimitsSetting Limits• Setting limits and providing structure Setting limits and providing structure

implies knowing when to say yes and implies knowing when to say yes and when to say no.when to say no.

• Limit setting teaches a child a valuable Limit setting teaches a child a valuable lesson for life: : the world is full of lesson for life: : the world is full of “yeses” and “no’s.” “yeses” and “no’s.”

• Try to balance your discipline with more Try to balance your discipline with more “yeses” than “no’s” “yeses” than “no’s”

• Distract and divert especially very Distract and divert especially very young childrenyoung children

Shape, Don’t Control Your Shape, Don’t Control Your Child’s Behavior.Child’s Behavior.

• When-thenWhen-then. “When you put your toys . “When you put your toys away, then you can play outside”. away, then you can play outside”.

• Praise appropriatelyPraise appropriately..

• Give remindersGive reminders. .

• Give consequences.Give consequences.

Time OutTime Out• Choose the time out location carefully.Choose the time out location carefully.

• Explain the time out rules to the childExplain the time out rules to the child

• Set a time limit to the time out 1 Set a time limit to the time out 1 min/yearmin/year

• Count 1- 2- 3, as a warning, before Count 1- 2- 3, as a warning, before sending the child to the time out place sending the child to the time out place

Time OutTime Out• Do not start counting until child has Do not start counting until child has

stopped unwanted behavior.stopped unwanted behavior.

• Back up consequences for not doing Back up consequences for not doing the time out.the time out.

• Use timer.Use timer.

• Don’t let time out a way to avoid Don’t let time out a way to avoid responsibility, e.g. cleaning upresponsibility, e.g. cleaning up

• Time out works best for children Time out works best for children between ages 2-12.between ages 2-12.

Using Encouragement Using Encouragement EffectivelyEffectively..• Encouragement is the most Encouragement is the most

important skill adults can learn in important skill adults can learn in helping childrenhelping children..

• Misbehaving child is usually a Misbehaving child is usually a discouraged child.discouraged child.

• Encouragement is providing the Encouragement is providing the children to develop the perceptions children to develop the perceptions that “I am capable, I can contribute”that “I am capable, I can contribute”

• “ “Children need encouragement, just Children need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot as plants need water. They cannot survive without it.” survive without it.”

• Encouragement is not easy because it Encouragement is not easy because it is normal for adults to get hooked into is normal for adults to get hooked into reacting to the misbehavior in reacting to the misbehavior in negative ways negative ways

• They think punishment motivates They think punishment motivates children to improve their behavior. children to improve their behavior.

How to EncourageHow to Encourage• Timing.Timing.

• Winning cooperationWinning cooperation

• Mutual respect Mutual respect

• Improvement, not perfection Improvement, not perfection

• What you see is what you get What you see is what you get

• Redirecting misbehavior Redirecting misbehavior

• Making up for it.Making up for it.

• Special time.Special time.

• Try a hug.Try a hug.

Family MeetingsFamily Meetings

• Problems are shared in a family meeting. Problems are shared in a family meeting. And the children create the solution. And the children create the solution.

• Mom and Dad do not take over Mom and Dad do not take over responsibility when problems arise in responsibility when problems arise in carrying out the family’s decision. carrying out the family’s decision.

• The children enforces the rules because The children enforces the rules because Mom and Dad stays out of it. Mom and Dad stays out of it.

• The rules applies to everyone in the The rules applies to everyone in the family, including Mom and Dad. family, including Mom and Dad.

Family Meetings RulesFamily Meetings Rules• Should be held once a week.Should be held once a week.

• Decisions should be made by consensus. Decisions should be made by consensus.

• Should include a review of the next Should include a review of the next week’s activities. week’s activities.

• Should not end without planning a family Should not end without planning a family fun activity during the coming week. fun activity during the coming week.

• End the meeting by playing a game End the meeting by playing a game together or serving a dessert. together or serving a dessert.

• Sitting at a cleared table is conducive to Sitting at a cleared table is conducive to staying on task for problem-solving. staying on task for problem-solving.

Components of the family Components of the family meeting meeting

• Chairperson Chairperson

• Secretary Secretary

• ComplimentsCompliments

• GratitudeGratitude

• The Agenda The Agenda

• Problem-SolvingProblem-Solving

• Planning Activities Planning Activities