outsourced 1x01 - pilot

8/2/2019 Outsourced 1x01 - Pilot

1/39

"OUTSOURCED"

Written by

Robert Borden

Ken Kwapis 1/6/10Alexandra BeattieIn Cahoots4024 Radford AvenueEdit 2, Suite 7Studio City, CA 91604(818) 655-6482


2/39

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. KANSAS CITY - MORNING

We look over the modest skyline of downtown Kansas City.

CUT TO:

INT. MID AMERICA NOVELTIES - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The elevator opens and TODD DONOVAN, a young, all-American guy, exits and starts down the hallway with abounce in his step. He grins as he passes the familiarsign on the wall proclaiming: Mid America Novelties.

CUT TO:

INT. MID AMERICA NOVELTIES - CALL CENTER - MOMENTS LATER

TODD enters and is shocked to see the call center isempty and partially vandalized. The only person in theoffice is his boss, JERRY, who is happily working, evenhumming to himself. He spots Todd and stands.

JERRY THE BOSSTodd! Youre back! How was themanagement training?

TODDWhere is everyone? What happened?

JERRY THE BOSSOh, we did a little right-sizing.Costs were through the roof.Pensions. Health care. We had tomake some cuts, but now were theright size to move ahead.

TODDTheres no one left.

JERRY THE BOSSExactly. Yesterday we outsourcedthe call center to India.

TODDIndia?

JERRY THE BOSSThis is a great move for us, Todd.Things are really looking up forthe company.


3/39

A brick, thrown from outside, flies through the window,lands, and rolls towards them. Todd sees a note isattached so he picks up the brick to read the note.

TODD(reading)

You Bastard--

JERRY THE BOSS(chuckling)

Oh, thats for me.

Jerry takes the brick and tosses it onto a pile of otherbricks which have previously been thrown into the office.

TODDJerry, I was supposed to run thecall center.

JERRY THE BOSS

I know--

TODDI went through trainingspecifically to run the callcenter.

JERRY THE BOSSI know, I know, but listen, youreour best salesman. Were notgonna lose you. We still want youto run the call center. In India.

Jerry gives him two thumbs up.

TODDYou want me to go to India?

JERRY THE BOSSThey dont get our culture. Weneed an American in charge.

TODDBut Ive never been out of thecountry before.

JERRY THE BOSSThis is a killer opportunity foryou, Todd. They told me, if youget this right--

Another brick flies in the room and lands closer to them.

TODDShould we step back a little?

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JERRY THE BOSSGood idea.

They step back and continue.

JERRY THE BOSS (CONTD)They said, if you get this right,

theyll bump you up to seniormanagement. Todd Donovan, VicePresident of Sales. Huh? Howdoes that sound?

TODDVice president... Someday thesebricks will be for me.

JERRY THE BOSSThats the spirit!

TODD

But Ive spent my whole life inKansas City. Id be leavingeverything behind.

JERRY THE BOSSYoure twenty-five. Whats yourlife? Some drinking buddies? AnX-Box in a shared apartment? Agirlfriend you only see on theweekends?

TODDHey, I got a lot more going onthan that.

(thinks about hislife, then)

I guess I could take the X-Boxwith me.

JERRY THE BOSSThere you go!

TODDI mean, this is the time of mylife when I should be up for

adventure.

JERRY THE BOSSExactly!

TODDThings happen for a reason, right?

JERRY THE BOSSYes they do!

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TODDMy Dad always said, when a doorcloses, God opens a window.

JERRY THE BOSSAnd this window opens onto sunnyIndia!

Jerry, in a lame attempt at Bollywood style dancing,twists his arms as if he were putting in light bulbs.

JEREMY(singing)

BING BING BING BING BING BING.

TODDYou know what? Im in--

JERRY THE BOSSExcellent.

TODD--Assuming we agree on terms.

JERRY THE BOSSExcuse me?

TODDIf I do this for the company, Ineed a written contract thatspells out my promotion, mysalary, everything I get when Icome back.

JERRY THE BOSSTodd, you know I cant do that.Youre gonna have to trust thecompanys word on this.

Todd looks around at all the empty desks.

TODDYeah, thats not gonna happen. Ineed it in writing.

Todd picks up a piece of paper and holds it out to Jerry.He wont take it.

JERRY THE BOSSSorry. Its against policy. Myhands are tied.

TODDAre you sure you cant do this forme?

4.

(MORE)


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Because Im guessing if I dont goto India, theyll need someoneelse to go. And the only personwith experience running a callcenter is you.

Jerry tries to keep a blank expression. Todd stares back

at him. Finally, Jerry gives in, grabs the paper, andsits down to write out Todds contract.

JERRY THE BOSSLooks like that managementtraining helped you grow a pair.

TODDIt was great. We spent a wholeday on standoffs. The trick is tomake the other guy feel good aboutgiving in. But I dont have to dothat with you. Youre doing such

an amazing job without my help.(over his shoulder)

So, corner office, company car,stock options...

(then, feigning awe)Is that your natural penmanship?Its beautiful.

JERRY THE BOSSThank you.

TODDExecutive assistant, expenseaccount...

As Jerry writes, we:

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. INDIA - CITY STREET - DUSK

Todd is riding in an auto-rickshaw taxi with RAJIIV, theassistant manager. They both have mango-lassis, butcant drink them because of the stop and go traffic.Todd is going over how he wants the office to run.

TODD...Its also really important howwe deal with setbacks. This isthe way I see it: all obstaclesare opportunities in disguise.

RAJIIVThen you have come to the rightplace. This is the land ofopportunities.

5.

TODD (CONT'D)


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Rajiiv gestures out to the overwhelming chaos that is theIndian street. Todd, not sure if Rajiiv is being ironic,glances outside. The taxi abruptly stops and BEGGARSapproach. Todd turns and sees a SADHU (an old manwearing only a loin cloth) just outside the window,extending his hand to Todd.

TODD(turning away)

Okay, thanks for that visual.(then)

You know, Id give him money if hepromised to buy a robe.

RAJIIVActually, he is a Sadhu.

TODDA what?

RAJIIVA Sadhu, a self-professed holyman. They give up all materialpossessions and wander the earthliving on the handouts ofstrangers. Do you have Sadhus inAmerica?

TODDYeah. We call them homeless.

The taxi lurches forward again.

RAJIIVOh, before we arrive, I took theliberty of having name tags made.

Rajiiv takes out two name tags labeled MID AMERICA CALLCENTER. Printed below is their name and title.

TODDLook at that. TODD DONOVAN:MANAGER. Thank you, Rajiiv.Thank you very much.

RAJIIVMy pleasure, sir.

Todd notices that Rajiivs tag reads RAJIIV GIDWANI:MANAGER.

TODDYours says manager too.

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RAJIIV(laughing)

You are most perceptive. I cansee that I will not be pulling thewool over your eyes, unless youare very cold and ask me to.

TODDWhy does yours say manager too?

RAJIIVI am simply planning ahead. Yousee, after you return to America,I will become the manager of thecall center. I thought to myself,why print a name-tag which saysAssistant Manager when it isonly a matter of time before youtriumph here and make a glorioushomecoming.

TODDYou got it all planned out, huh?

RAJIIVIndeed, I do. When I becomemanager, my salary will increaseenough so that I will be able tomove out of my parents house andfinally marry Vimi.

TODDWait. You still live with yourparents?

RAJIIVThis is not America. We do notall have deluxe apartments in thesky.

TODDNo way. You get The Jeffersonsover here?

(half singing)WELL WERE MOVING ON UP, TO THE

SKY. TO A DELUXE APARTMENT...(with less commitmentdue to Rajiivs lookof confusion)

...in the sky-aye-aye. Nevermind.

RAJIIVThings are different here.Children live with their parentsuntil they marry.

7.

(MORE)


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And I cannot marry Vimi until I ama manager. Her family is mostprestigious.

TODDLet me get this straight; youcant move out of your parents

house or get married until I getpromoted back to America?

RAJIIVIt seems our fates are tied, sir.Your triumphs are my triumphs.Your victories are my victories.

(then)We need a victory!

Rajiiv meant this to be inspirational, but it came off asdesperation. Rajiiv and Todd look away and try to siptheir lassi drinks. The taxi abruptly comes to a stop

again and beggars approach. Todd turns to see a Sadhujust outside the window holding out his hand.

TODDIs that the same guy?

RAJIIVSir, it would be offensive toimply that all Indians lookedalike simply because we--

(realizing)Oh no, thats the same guy. Hesfast.

CUT TO:

INT. CALL CENTER/BULLPEN - LATER THAT EVENING

The WORKERS are chatting amongst themselves in English.MANMEET, a young, sweet guy (and would-be Lothario) iscrossing through the cubicles when hes approached byGUPTA, a heavyset man with sad, needy eyes. Guptas thekind of guy you avoid at a party.

GUPTA

Did you read the paper?

MANMEETNo.

Manmeet tries to walk away, but Gupta pursues.

GUPTAThere was a fascinating articleabout humming birds. Theyre notas nice as they seem.

8.

RAJIIV (CONT'D)


10/39

Manmeet, trailed by Gupta, crosses by ASHA and MIDORI andwe stay with them. Asha is a smart, confident andstriking woman. Midori, on the other hand, is awallflower who suffers from extreme shyness. We catchthem mid-conversation as Asha tries to calm Midori whilethey flip through a Mid-America novelty catalogue.

ASHA...I wouldnt worry about it. Theproducts may be different, but thework is the same.

Midori is embarrassed to reveal:

MIDORIBut Ive never worked at a callcenter before.

ASHAOh, okay. Well, sit next to me.

Ill show you how its done.Youll be fine. Youd besurprised, Americans are not thatdifferent from us.

Asha flips the page and they see the novelties for saleinclude an American flag Snuggie, a wallet made frombacon, and a fanny-bank where the coin slot is betweenthe buttocks. Asha and Midori look up at each other.

ASHA (CONTD)Maybe theyre a little different.

Todd and Rajiiv enter. Rajiiv claps at the workers andshouts.

RAJIIVCome now! You are paid to work,not to sit around doing chit-chat!

(suddenly polite)It is my great pleasure tointroduce Mr. Todd Donovan.

TODDHello, everyone.

In the back, a very large Sikh (with a long beard and hishair bound up in a turban) named AJEET quickly stands.He seems disturbed by Todds presence and quickly exits.Todd glances back to Rajiiv who shrugs.

RAJIIVPotty break?

9.


11/39

TODD(continuing)

Im excited to get started. Ilook forward to working with allof you as your manager...

Todd happens to glance back and see Rajiiv putting on his

name tag which also says Manager. Rajiiv avoids Toddseye and pretends to look out at the employees.

TODD (CONTD)...And Im gonna give this a shot.

(taking out a pieceof paper)

I had fifteen hours on the flightto memorize this, so here goes...

Todd glances at the paper, then speaks in mangled Hindi.

TODD (CONTD)

(IN SUBTITLES)Welcome office success donkeytoday!

No one knows what to say. Rajiiv starts to applaud andscowls at the workers until they join in applauding.

TODD (CONTD)Oh no, not necessary. Thanks.

(aside to Rajiiv)That wasnt really an applausemoment.

RAJIIVYou underestimate your charisma.Such a light within you.

Todd steps forward and greets the employees one by oneuntil he comes to Midori, who is so shy she avoids hiseye as she shakes his hand.

TODDHello. You are...?

MIDORI

(almost inaudible)Midori.

TODDExcuse me?

MIDORI(barely louder)

Midori.

10.


12/39

TODDOne more time.

MIDORI(barely louder)

Midori.

TODDIm sorry, Im not...

RAJIIV(leading Todd away)

Moving on.

TODD(aside to Rajiiv)

She works the phones? Really?

Todd comes to Manmeet who extends his hand.

MANMEETHello, I am Manmeet.

TODDMan-meat?

MANMEETYes, Manmeet.

TODDYoure name is Man-meat? Wow.That doesnt leave a lot of roomfor a crazy nickname. What do theladies call you? Steve.

(chuckles, then offhis blank look)

See cause normally your namewould be Steve, and then Manmeet--Okay, well talk later.

Todd steps away and reaches Asha.

ASHAHello, Im Asha.

TODDNice to meet you, Asha. Thats apretty name.

ASHAThank you. It means hope.

TODDReally? In that case, I Asha toget to know you better. ...Hopeto get to know you.

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ASHAYes, I understand.

Asha smiles but looks away, a little uncomfortable withthe attention. Todd realizes hes been lingering andeveryone is watching. He calls out:

TODDOkay, I will meet the rest of youthroughout the day. Now, thephones are switching over latertonight. Weve been down for twodays so theres going to be a lotof pent up demand for novelties.I want everyone ready. I dontknow what religion you are, butthis is your new bible.

Todd holds up the catalogue, the cover of which featuresan array of novelties from a beer drinking helmet (with

the beer cans mounted on the side,) to a battery poweredstuffed animal called Dirty Dog which humps your leg.

TODD (CONTD)The first commandment: know thycatalogue.

(off their confusion)Just, learn it. Thanks.

RAJIIV(aside)

Applause?

TODD(shaking his head)

Ill let you know when.

The employees take a copy of the catalogue to study it.

RAJIIVNow, if I may, I would like toshow you to our offices in theexecutive suite. Please followme.

Rajiiv leads Todd up three steps and stops.

RAJIIV (CONTD)Here we are.

Todd sees their executive suite is really just two morecubicles which have been elevated so that they can lookdown on the other cubicles.

12.


14/39

RAJIIV (CONTD)Out of respect for your seniority,I have given you the cubicle withthe view.

Rajiiv gestures to a nearby window. At the moment, thereis a giant cow outside looking in the window.

TODDYouve got to be kidding me.

RAJIIVSir?

TODDTheres a cow outside the window.

RAJIIVYes, the cow is considered sacred.It can go where it pleases.

TODDReally? Well, maybe thats a goodthing. We wont have to go farfor creamer.

Todd laughs and mimes reaching out the window to milk thecow directly into a coffee mug. Rajiiv does not laugh.

RAJIIVPlease do not touch the cow.

TODDOf course not.

RAJIIVI know this must be difficult forAmericans to understand, since youeat hamburgers morning, noon, andnight--

TODDNot really true.

RAJIIV

(continuing)--Youre so wealthy youpractically bathe in meat--

TODDSeems exaggerated.

RAJIIV(continuing)

--But for Hindus, a cow is not asource of meat.

13.

(MORE)


15/39

It is sacred because of the milkit gives, the prosperity itrepresents. Muslims and Jews donot eat pigs, we do not eat cows.Is it so crazy--

TODD

Rajiiv, Rajiiv, I get it. Its aholy thing. The cow is not asource of meat. I totally get it.Its your country. Im gonnarespect your traditions.

They each settle into their desks to work. Todd canthelp but glance back out at the cow, thinking, then:

TODD (CONTD)So, what time is lunch?

CUT TO:

EXT. COMMISSARY - NIGHT

A large commissary is filled with CALL CENTER EMPLOYEESsitting at several tables. Todd, with a tray, is makinghis way down the food line. Following him on the otherside of the counter is an Indian LUNCH-MAN. As Todd eyesa particular food, the Lunch-Man dips in his ladle. WhenTodd changes his mind and moves on, the Lunch-Man removesthe ladle and moves on as well.

TODD(mumbling to himself)

Dont know what that is.(then)

Dont know what that is.(then)

A little scared of that.(up to the Lunch-Man)

Soupy. Everythings soupy.(off the Lunch-Mansblank expression)

Okay. You know what? Im gonnabe in India a while. I dont knowwhats what but I gotta learn

somehow, right? So, just give mesome of...that.

Todd points at a tray of soupy food and the Lunch-Manstarts to ladle it onto Todds plate.

LUNCH-MAN(in Hindi)

Mirchi ka salan.

14.

RAJIIV (CONT'D)


16/39

TODDOh yeah, of course. My Mom usedto make the best mirchi ka sa-lamalama-dingdong.

Todd chuckles. The Lunch-man just stares back at him.Todd steps away to find a seat. As he walks among the

tables, Todd faces the high school cafeteria dilemma ofwhere to sit. He comes upon a table of his employees.(They are chatting in English except for Midori, whostudies the catalogue as she eats.) There is an emptyseat among them. Their conversation stops and they lookat Todd, neither inviting him nor shunning him, justwondering whether hes going to join them. Todd spotsanother table nearby thats empty except for one big,sweaty American, CHARLIE DAVIES.

CHARLIEYou American?

TODDYeah.

CHARLIE(nodding to a seat)

Then saddle up.

TODDOh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Todd takes a seat across from Charlie. Todds employeesregister this and go back to their conversations.

CHARLIECharlie Davies. I run the callcenter for Orvis.

TODDTodd Donovan. Im running thecall center for Mid AmericaNovelty. Just started today.

CHARLIE(off Todds food,disapproving)

Yeah, thats what I figured.

TODDWhat?

Charlie looks at Todds food and shakes his head.

TODD (CONTD)What?

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CHARLIEYou got the pepper thing.

TODDSo?

CHARLIE

Do you hate your own ass?

TODDReally? Is it that spicy?

CHARLIEIf you eat that, you will becrapping yourself for five days.Not two days. Not three days.Not four days and some...

(sound effects ofsmall farts)

Im talking...

(holding up his hand,extending fivefingers)

Five full days.

TODDOkay.

CHARLIEThats a hate crime against yourpooper.

TODDGot it.

Todd pushes his plate away. Charlie offers him half ofhis sandwich.

CHARLIEHere, take half.

TODDPeanut butter and jelly?

CHARLIE

Jiffy peanut butter and Smuckersgrape jelly. And check this out:(re: his food)

Cheetos, Dill pickles, a Hostesscupcake, and my back-up sandwich,Honey-Glazed ham and good oldAmerican cheese. As far as Imconcerned, youre not a worldpower until you have a cheesenamed after your country.

16.


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TODDSo, the superpowers are us, theSwiss, and...?

CHARLIEIm not into politics, okay?

TODDOkay. Where did you buy all thisstuff?

CHARLIEI have it shipped from home. IfIm gonna be sentenced to thissweat-box of a country, Ill bedamned if Im eating their Mickey-Mouse food.

They eat for a beat. Todd glances over at his employees.

TODDHey, can I ask something about myworkers?

CHARLIEShoot.

TODDMy budget isnt that big, butstill, my guys dont exactly seemlike the cream of the crop.

Charlie looks over Todds employees.

CHARLIEYeah, they probably dont knowsquat about America. Probablynever been outside the city.Looks like you got the B team,my friend.

TODDHow can you tell?

CHARLIE

Because thats the A team overthere.

Charlie indicates a group of sharply dressed Indianssitting down to lunch.

CHARLIE (CONTD)Those guys work for Intells callcenter. Theyve all been toAmerica. Theyve even studied allour different accents.

17.


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TODDNo way.

An A team Indian crosses by to purchase a drink.

CHARLIEHey, you.

A TEAM INDIAN(with his usualIndian accent)

Yes, what is it?

CHARLIETell me something. Do you knowwhat grits are?

A TEAM INDIAN(in a perfectsouthern accent)

Well, grits is just ground upcorn. I tell you what, my Mommaused to make the best grits.

CHARLIEAlright.

A TEAM INDIAN(continuing in thesouthern accent)

Id be settin on the porch withmy hound dog Freedom--

CHARLIEAlright, enough.

(waving him off)Its creepy, isnt it? Liketheyre pod people or something.

TONYA, an athletic, statuesque blonde, enters. Toddcant help but watch as she moves down the commissaryline. Charlie notices this and nods.

CHARLIE (CONTD)Yeah, thats Tonya. She runs the

Quantas call center. Thats somegrade A Aussie right there.

TODDShes...

CHARLIEIm with you on that, my friend.They got that accent and theyreall so big and outdoorsy; God Ilove Australian women!

18.


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Tonya turns to find a place to sit. She notices Toddstaring at her and he turns away.

TODDSo whats her story?

CHARLIE

Dont waste your time, man. Iveseen her here for eight months andshe hasnt said two words to me.

Todd looks up, surprised to see that Tonya has approachedhim. Hes even more surprised by her affable demeanor.

TONYAIm guessing youre a new bloke.

TODDYeah, first day actually. Todd.

TONYAIm Tonya. Just thought Id sayhi. Im a bit of a yabber, sodrop by Quantas if you want. Youneed all the mates you can findout here in Woop woop.

TODDWoop woop?

TONYASorry, thats Aussie for out inthe middle of nowhere. I thinkyou Yanks say out in the sticks.

TODDI like woop woop better. Its funto say. Woop woop.

TONYARight. Cheers.

Tonya smiles and walks away to sit with her workers.Charlie has watched this exchange and is speechless anddying inside. When Todd turns back from watching Tonya

walk away, he notices Asha looking at him. Evidently,she watched Todd and Tonya speaking. But before Todd canget a read on Ashas expression, she looks away.

CUT TO:

19.


21/39

INT. CALL CENTER HALLWAY/OFFICE - LATER

Todd is heading back to the call center bullpen when hepasses an open office and sees Ajeet (aka The Big Sikh)with his feet up on the desk, eating pakoras and watchingTV. Ajeet, about to pop a pakora in his mouth, sees Toddout of the corner of his eye and covertly nudges the door

with his foot. Todd has just enough time to register hownice this office is compared to his cubicle before thedoor shuts.

CUT TO:

INT. CALL CENTER/BULLPEN - MOMENTS LATER

Todd cuts through the bullpen on his way to his office.He passes Asha in her cubicle just as shes opening awrapped present which turns out to be a picture of a manin a suit. Todd stops to say hello, surprising Asha.

TODDHey, what you got there?

ASHAMy fiance sent me a picture ofhimself.

TODDOh, your fiance. Whats his name?

ASHA(momentarily drawinga blank)

...uh.

TODDDont tell me Indian names arehard for you too?

Todd laughs, and Asha recovers.

ASHAPradeep. His name is PradeepPuri. I couldnt think for asecond.

TODDWhered you guys meet?

ASHAWe havent met yet.

TODDReally? Then how... Were gonnabe starting so...

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ASHAOf course.

Todd crosses away. Asha puts the picture on her desk andconsiders her fiance. Then she grabs the picture again,puts it in her desk drawer, and closes the drawer.

CUT TO:

INT. CALL CENTER/KITCHEN-BREAK ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Todd enters and sees Manmeet getting a cup of tea. Toddnods hello. He opens the pantry and is checking out thesnacks when he hears:

MANMEET(under his breath)

Oh no, please dont come in here.

Todd follows Manmeets gaze and sees Gupta entering the

bullpen, looking around for someone to talk to.

TODDWhats the matter with him?

MANMEETHe wont stop talking. Believeme, you dont want to get stuckwith Gupta.

TODDYeah, we had a guy like that backin my old office. Ed Millner.Hed never shut up. If you gotstuck with him in the break room,forget it. You couldnt shakehim.

Todd and Manmeet look up to see that Gupta is approachingthe kitchen. In a matter of seconds, he will round thecorner and see them. Manmeet turns to Todd.

MANMEETSo how did you handle it?

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Gupta rounds the corner and enters the kitchen. No oneis there. Gupta looks around, surprised. He could havesworn he saw someone in here a second ago.

REVEAL: Todd and Manmeet are hiding in the pantry withthe door closed. Its a little tight, so Todd feels theneed to explain:

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TODDBack home, we had a bigger pantry.

Manmeet nods that he understands. They watch Guptathrough the crack between the doors. Unfortunately forthem, Gupta lingers, sipping his tea, just waiting forsomeone to talk to. Now they cant leave because it

would be obvious they were hiding in the pantry. After abeat, Manmeet turns to Todd:

MANMEETDo you know any redheads?

TODDExcuse me?

MANMEETIm looking for a wife. I likeredheads. And blondes. Dark hairtoo.

TODDSo, all women?

MANMEET(sheepishlyconceding)

Yes, all of them.

TODDWell, actually, my ex-girlfriendwas kind of a redhead--

MANMEETEx-girlfriend? Did she say no?

TODDNot usually. Wait, say no towhat?

MANMEETWhen you asked her to marry you?

TODDOh, I didnt ask her to marry me.

We were just dating.

MANMEETDating until you get married, yes?

TODDNo, you see, Manmeet -- gotta getused to saying that -- things aredifferent in America. You datesomeone for a while before youdecide if you want to get married.

22.

(MORE)


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And some people arent looking toget married anyway. Its calledserial monogamy. You date awoman, if it doesnt work out, youdate another woman, and thenanother woman, and so on.

(off Manmeets

incredulity)Okay, I realize that sounds kindof meaningless--

MANMEET(joyously)

It sounds wonderful.

Todd cant help but smile at Manmeets glee. Then,through the crack between the doors, they see Midorienter the kitchen. She freezes when she realizes shesalone with Gupta. Gupta, however, perks up.

GUPTADid you read the paper today?

MIDORINo.

Midori turns and exits, but its too late. Guptafollows, talking over her shoulder as he follows her.

GUPTAThey discovered a vegetarianspider, first one in nature. Ibelieve it was in Costa Rica...

Todd and Manmeet emerge from the pantry and watch Guptatrailing Midori through the office.

TODDMay God have mercy on her soul.

Manmeet nods.

CUT TO:

INT. CALL CENTER/BULLPEN - MINUTES LATER

Todd and Rajiiv enter carrying a box of novelties. (Inthe background, Gupta is still talking to Midori who ismiserable.)

TODDOkay, everyone--

Rajiiv interrupts by clapping at the employees.

23.

TODD (CONT'D)


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RAJIIVStop what youre doing! Its timeto work!

(politely, to Todd)You have the floor.

TODD

Time for a little pop quiz.Youve had all morning to studythe catalogue, now lets see howgood you are at add-ons.

(off their looks)You know what add-ons are,right? Someone calls to buy aproduct, and you suggest anotherrelated product for them to buy asan add-on.

(then)Okay, lets say someone orders awere #1 finger.

Todd takes a giant foam hand from the box which extendsone finger as if to say, were #1.

TODD (CONTD)Now, what would you suggest as anadd-on?

(off their silence)Ill give you a hint. Notice thefinger is green and gold, huh?Green Bay Packers colors.

(then)Oh come on.

(pulling a cheesehead from the box)

A cheese head! This is basic.

RAJIIVWhat is a cheese head?

TODDYou put this on when you root forthe Packers.

Todd puts on the cheese head. The employees just stare

at him.

TODD (CONTD)Are any of you taking this jobseriously?

Asha inadvertently chuckles at this sight but quicklycovers her mouth and turns away. Todd takes off the hat.

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TODD (CONTD)Guys, we have to be ready. Thephones have switched over. Werelive. There are 300 millionAmericans who could be calling infor a novelty any minute now.

Todd gestures to the silent phones.

TODD (CONTD)...You never know when someonesgonna need a novelty.

ASHASir?

TODDTodd.

ASHA

Todd. I think the problem werehaving is that even if we memorizethe catalogue, what we arememorizing makes no sense to us.

TODDWhat do you mean, it doesnt makesense?

ASHA(off the catalogue)

Well, for example, here is thismistletoe novelty. Even if Imemorize the order number, thatwont help me because I dont knowwhat a mistletoe is.

TODDOkay. Mistletoe is something youput up at a Christmas party--

MANMEETWhat is a Christmas party?

TODD

Whats a Christmas party? Really?Oh, man. Okay, a Christmas partyis a party to celebrate the birthof Jesus, who was the son of God.

RAJIIVWhich God?

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TODDWhich God? The God, the real one.

(noticing a reactionand moving on)

Anyway, mistletoe is like a shruband you hang it in a door way andwait till a hot woman comes along.

Im talking a woman whos out ofyour league, shed never even talkto you, but you surprise her bystanding next to her under themistletoe, and its awkward, butshe has to kiss you. By law.

Confused, Asha holds up the catalogue and indicates theproduct that prompted her original question.

ASHAThen what is this?

Todd leans in. INSERT CLOSE UP of a mistletoe belt-buckle, a novelty belt buckle with a small mistletoebranch extending from the top of the buckle.

TODDThats...thats actually prettyclever. Youre supposed to kissunder the mistletoe. So, if youwore that, someone would have tokiss you...down there.

ASHAThis is how you celebrate thebirthday of the son of God?

TODDSee, the thing is, Americans canbe holy, and have fun at the sametime. Next question.

MANMEETWhy do Americans need thesethings?

TODD

We dont.

ASHAThen what is the purpose?

TODDThe purpose? There is no purpose.There doesnt have to be a purposein America. You can do what youwant. Thats whats so greatabout my country.

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You have the freedom to pursueyour dream, whatever it is. Youcan be president, or a scientist,or you can invent noveltieslike...

Todd reaches in the box and pulls out a novelty, but he

instantly regrets his choice. The novelty is a smallmodel of a womans torso in a red dress.

MANMEETWhat is that?

TODD(committing to it)

This is exactly what Im talkingabout. Maybe no one needs this,but in America, no one can stopyou from making it. This is thedefinition of freedom. This is

jingle jugs.

Todd presses a button on the back. As the torso playsJingle Bells, the breasts swing in differentdirections. The Indians dont know what to say. A phonerings. Manmeet is closest and he answers. Todd puts ona headset to hear the caller and fumbles to turn off thejingle jugs.

MANMEETThank you for calling Mid AmericaNovelty. How can I help you?

AMERICAN CALLER (V.O.)Yeah, I want that mug on page six.

MANMEETOf course. Can I please have theorder number?

Manmeet looks to Todd who nods, So far, so good.

AMERICAN CALLER (V.O.)Uh, lets see. Its uh...256-KPR.

MANMEETThats 256, K as in Krishna, Pand in Punjabi, R as inRamayana.

Todd grimaces.

AMERICAN CALLER (V.O.)Rama-what? Where am I calling?Is this India?

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TODD (CONT'D)


29/39

MANMEET...No.

AMERICAN CALLER (V.O.)Am I calling freakin India toorder a mug that says Americas#1?!

MANMEET(off a cheat-sheet)

No, we are in Detroit, city ofmotors and black people.

The Caller hangs up. Todd, frustrated, turns to Rajiiv.

TODDAre you sure these are the bestworkers you could find?

RAJIIV

Sir, are you suggesting I hiredlesser employees to make you lookbad?

TODDNo, of course not. Why would youdo that? As you said, our fatesour tied. If I cant make thisoffice work, theyll get rid ofme.

(realizing, eyeingRajiiv suspiciously)

In which case, theyll need a newmanager.

RAJIIVPerhaps theyll try a local.

TODDRajiiv, I thought you were on myside. I thought My success isyour success.

RAJIIVIt is. But also, your failure is

my success. Either way, Imrooting for you.

Rajiiv steps away. As Todd looks out and considers hisemployees, we...

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. INDIAN CITY - THE NEXT EVENING

MUSIC PLAYS as we look over a massive city which spreads

as far as the eye can see. The MUSIC FADES as we...

CUT TO:

INT. CALL CENTER/BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS

Its the start of the work day. Gupta wanders with histea. No one else appears to be in yet.

GUPTA(muttering)

He said to come in early.

Gupta strolls into the kitchen.

GUPTA (CONTD)Where is everyone?

Gupta lingers, sipping his tea.

REVEAL: Todd, Manmeet, and now Midori are hiding in thepantry to avoid Gupta. They are trapped again by Guptaslingering. Manmeet turns to Midori to explain:

MANMEETIn America, they have biggerpantries.

Midori nods that she understands. Just then, through thecrack between the doors, they see Asha enter the kitchen.She spots Gupta and grimaces to herself. Gupta perks up.

GUPTAAsha, did--

ASHA(crossing to thepantry)

Yes, Gupta I read the paper. ButIm getting a migraine so Imsorry but I need absolute quiet.Perhaps we can talk later.

GUPTA(sotto)

Oh, okay. Perhaps later.

Asha opens the pantry door and sees Todd, Manmeet, andMidori.

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(The pantry door opens out so Gupta is unable to see pastthe door into the pantry.) Todd shakes his head as if tosay, please dont give us up. Asha considers them,then shuts the door.

ASHAActually, Gupta, Im feeling

better, why dont we chat at mydesk.

GUPTAReally?!

Asha leads Gupta out, back into the bullpen.

ASHAYes. Did you read that storyabout the tiger who attacked thefarmers?

(loud enough for

Todd/Manmeet/Midorito hear)

One farmer threw herself at thetiger, sacrificing herself so thather three co-workers could live.They really owed her after that.

GUPTA(as they exit)

I missed that one. Did you readabout the inchworms that are bothmale and female?

ASHANo.

(it hurts to say)Please tell me about it.

Asha exits with Gupta. Another EMPLOYEE enters to make acup of tea and is surprised when Todd, Manmeet, andMidori come out of the pantry, and, without anexplanation, pass her and exit.

CUT TO:

INT. CALL CENTER/BULLPEN - SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

Todd and Rajiiv look over the bullpen and see that theemployees are familiarizing themselves with the products.Asha is examining a fake deer head which can be mountedon the wall. While she does this, Gupta talks her earoff. Todd meets her eye and mouths Thank you. Ashanods, then accidentally turns on the deer and it startsto sing Sweet Home Alabama, startling her and Gupta.

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RAJIIV(off a chart)

These sales numbers fromyesterday, as you Americans say:Yikes.

TODD

I know. Thats why I want tolight a fire under everyone today.

RAJIIVI have a thought. Why dont youpick one employee...

Rajiiv gestures to Midori who, at that moment, is tryingon a novelty baseball cap with a built in mullet wig.

RAJIIV (CONTD)...and fire them. That will scarethe others into working harder.

TODDI dont want to fire someone justto make a point.

RAJIIVShe doesnt belong here anyway.She is a lower caste.

TODDI think Ill try my way first. Ifit doesnt work, Im sure I canfind someone to fire.

Todd smiles and Rajiiv smiles back. However, Rajiivssmile fades as he realizes Todd might be speaking abouthim.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

All the employees have gathered and Todd addresses them.

TODD

Alright, everyone, thank you forcoming in so early.

A novelty garden gnome Manmeet is trying to figure outmakes a farting sound. Manmeet chuckles.

MANMEETIt is a farting garden gnome.

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TODDI know, pretty cool, huh?

(to everyone)Okay, heres the deal. Asha wasright. Even if you guys memorizethe catalogue, youre not gettingthe cultural stuff, and thats

what were selling. So its timeyou learned about America.

Todd holds up several DVDs and CDs.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Rajiiv stands in front of Todd and the workers.

RAJIIVA census taker once tried to test

me. I ate his liver with somefava beans and a nice chianti.

Rajiivs Hannibal Lector impersonation is a little toogood and everyone is uncomfortable.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Asha, standing in front of everyone, looks down at whatshes written on a piece of paper and inadvertentlygiggles at what shes about to say.

TODDPlease, some respect. This is aclassic.

Asha takes a breath, then attempts Rappers Delight bythe Sugar Hill Gang.

ASHAI said a hip, hop, the hippie, thehippie dibby hip hop hop and youdont stop to rock it to the bang

bang boogie--

Asha breaks down laughing. Todd and the others laughwith her.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Manmeet is giving an over-wrought performance.

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MANMEETPut. That coffee. Down!Coffees for closers only.

(then, pretending toaccept an Oscar)

I would like to thank the Academy,and of course my wife, Mrs. Halle

Berry-Shukla.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Midori, mortified to be the center of attention, isperforming so quietly everyone has to lean in to hear.

MIDORI(in a half whisper)

You talking to me? You talking tome? Well Im the only one here.

Who the naughty word do youthink youre talking to?

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Gupta stands before everyone, humming an indecipherabletune. There is a foreboding air of anticipation. Then:

GUPTAIM BRINGING SEXY BACK--

Collectively, the group recoils and cuts Gupta off beforehe can sing another verse.

MOST OF THE WORKERSNo!

GUPTAWhat? What?

Gupta and the others turn to Todd for a ruling.

TODD

(to Gupta)Just, no.

Gupta hangs his head.

CUT TO:

MOMENTS LATER:

Todd is standing at the front, addressing everyone.

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TODD...These phones are gonna startringing soon, and we have to dobetter than yesterday. We have tostart pushing the add-ons, thatsour bread and butter. Look, wemay not be the cream of the crop,

were more like the Bad NewsBears...

(off their blanklooks)

No one knows who the Bad NewsBears were?

RAJIIV(raising his hand)

Sir, I would venture to say thatthey are bears, who, when theycome to town, it is very bad newsindeed.

(off Todd shaking hishead in frustration)

...Because they are bears.(turning to theothers for support)

Who wants a bear in your village?

TODDIt was a movie about a baseballteam with a bunch of losers--

ASHAAre we the losers in this story?

TODDYes, well, no, because my pointis, everyone thought they werelosers, until they proved peoplewrong.

ASHAWho are we proving wrong?

TODDJust people.

(sneaking a glance atRajiiv)So by the end of the month, I wanteveryone selling ten add-ons aday. By the end of this week,five a day. And by the end oftoday, I want everyone, and I meaneveryone, to sell one add-on.

Midori looks around, nervous.

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RAJIIVOr what?

TODDThere is no Or What, because Ibelieve youre gonna do it.Look, this is my first time as a

manager. Some guys might bescared to tell you that, but Imnot because I believe in myself.Sales is about confidence. Do youbelieve in yourself?

MANMEET(to himself)

Coffee is for closers.

DISSOLVE TO:

LATER THAT MORNING:

Todd walks the floor with a headset and a switcher thatallows him to eavesdrop on any call. He switches toManmeets call as he finishes a sale.

MANMEETLet me read that item number backto you. Thats 732-GRF. 732, Gas in Good Fellas, R as inRaging Bull, and F as in...

(almost an Italianaccent)

Forgetaboutit.

Manmeet smiles at Todd who nods.

DISSOLVE TO:

LATER THAT MORNING:

Todd walks past Asha and clicks over to her call.

ASHA...Many of our customers whobought confederate flag shot

glasses also purchased a deer headwhich you can mount on the wall.

CALLER (V.O.)(in a Southernaccent)

Why would I mount a deer I didntshoot?

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ASHABecause this deer sings SweetHome Alabama.

CALLER (V.O.)(interested)

Okay, now thats funny.

Both Todd and Asha grin.

DISSOLVE TO:

LATER THAT MORNING:

Todd is pacing the floor. At the moment, no one is on acall, all the employees are waiting. Then a phone rings.

TODD(before anyone cananswer)

Wait, who hasnt sold an add-onyet?

All the employees turn to look at Midori. She almostwilts under the scrutiny. Todd gestures at the ringingphone until Midori answers it.

MIDORI(into phone, sotto)

Mid America Novelty, how can Ihelp you?

CALLER (V.O.)Hello?

MIDORI(slightly louder butstill way too soft)

How can I help you?

CALLER (V.O.)Hello? Is anyone there?

Rajiiv shakes his head and makes a throat slittinggesture regarding Midori.

CALLER (V.O.) (CONTD)Hello?

Todd, thinking fast, reaches down and turns up the volumeon Midoris side of the call. There is a lot of staticon her end, but, finally, Midori has a voice.

MIDORIHow can I help you?

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CALLER (V.O.)I wanna order the fake dog poo.

MIDORIWonderful choice.

CALLER (V.O.)

Yeah, my roommates getting on mynerves. I wanna freak him out.

MIDORI(without consulting acatalogue)

In that case, could I alsointerest you in our fake vomit onpage 23, lower left hand of thepage?

CALLER (V.O.)This vomit, does it look real?

MIDORIWell, it makes me sick to look atit.

CALLER (V.O.)Yeah, alright, Ill get the vomittoo.

TODD(taking off hisheadset, to theroom)

Okay, thats everyone.

The others (except for Rajiiv) applaud for Midori and shebeams shyly...until she hears the caller in her ear:

CALLER (V.O.)Why are people clapping?

TODD(sotto to Midori)

Get the credit card info.

MIDORIOh.

As Midori rejoins the call to get the credit cardinformation, Todd sidles up to Rajiiv for an aside.

TODDYou were hoping I would succeed orfail, but theres one outcome youdidnt anticipate: my modest butslowly improving just okay-ness.

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And thats something Im mightygood at. Looks like youunderestimated me...andoverestimated me.

As Todd walks away, and Rajiiv looks on baffled, we:

CUT TO:

EXT. COMMISSARY - NIGHT (LUNCHTIME)

The tables are filled with call center employees. Toddis paying for his food when Tonya passes by.

TONYASo you survived another day.

TODDYeah. Looks like youre stuckwith me for a while.

Tonya smiles and leaves to join her crew. Todd turnswith his tray and scans the tables for a place to sit.He meets eyes with Charlie, whos by himself again. Healso sees a table of his workers (without Rajiiv). Thistime, however, they are pleased to see him and Asha wavesfor him to join them. Todd grins. He crosses by Charlieand nods to indicate hes going to sit with his workers.

TODD (CONTD)Just for morale, you know.

CHARLIEGo for it.

Todd crosses to sit with his workers but we stay behind.From Charlies POV, we see Todd chatting, happy to bewith his people. MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY and it feels likethe end of the episode. Manmeet slides a plate of foodtowards Todd and Todd takes a bite. The MUSIC ABRUPTLYSTOPS. Todd looks up to see Charlie staring at him,shaking his head. Charlie holds up his hand just like hedid in the previous commissary scene, extending all fivefingers. Todd gets his meaning and glances down to seehes been eating the mirchi ka salan. SFX: AN UPSET

STOMACH GROWLING. MUSIC RESUMES OVER THE CREDITS, BUTOCCASIONALLY PAUSES FOR THE SOUND OF AN INCREASINGLYDISTRESSED STOMACH.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

38.

TODD (CONT'D)

outsourced 1x01 - pilot

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