Looking back, I didnt know I can be this beautiful. So says Toni Gonzaga in one of her television commercials. Indeed looking back I didnt know I will be the woman I am now. I was born male, the first in our family. et I recall vividly this story my mother told me that when she was in the o!erating room, her tummy being o!ened to make way for my grand entrance into this beautiful world, the very first cry I shrieked was not a cry e"!ected from a baby boy but resembles more of a high#!itched shriek of a baby girl. That moment, she knew. Growing u!, I always find myself at the centre of bullying. I was this fat and effeminate kid most children will !oke fun of and wont invite to !lay with them# at least in the case of my male classmates. So as an elementary student, Im always !laying with my girl classmates, !laying $ack stones, !a!er dolls %Sailor &oon for this matter', lutu-lutuan %using of course gumamela !etals as the main ingredient', and other girly stuffs. (ut how I hate (arbie )olls and the color !ink then. &ost es!ecially if my classmates headband is color !ink with a huge ribbon or butterfly on it. That makes my young innocent blood boil with rage. *nd did I tell you that my name always hits the number + chart as the noisiest !u!il of the class who gives severe headache to my teachers, I thinkI was -uite consistent with that, from Grade + to .. I always remember the time when my mother was very angry of me because I actually murdered her /evlon dee!#red matte li!stick, a!!lied it on my li!s and cheeks using her li! brush so that the li!stick was cut into halves. I think I was in kinder then. *nd also the moment when I donned on her very nice bestida and heels and actually stained them with my 0valtine. 1ell, what can I do, I always thought of myself a woman then even during my tender age and I cant hel! it. &y mother would always tell me that I should act !ro!erly so that !eo!le will not !oke fun of me, that I should act like a man and not babakla-bakla kasi nakakahiya. *nd I would $ust smile timidly. I couldnt blame her. Thatshow she was !rogrammed anyway and conte"t#wise, we were in the !rovince. (ut I asked myself then if what I was doing was wrong. 1ould I go to hell $ust because I was not being who I wassu!!osed to be and at the same time having a crush on my 23 teacher, I was afraid, and confused. The only thing I was sure of was gays are bound to hell. Then I will catwalk my way through hell if thats the case. Then came the high#intensity hormonal imbalance of high#school life. I was enrolled in a catholic school in our !rovince and God, how they force#fed us with all the gos!el teachings on morality and on the 4hristian way of living. *nd on how I was to cut my hair each month, 5 by 6. Totally mortifying. That was when I met the love of my life. The very first and the only !erson who made my heart beat so fast, with whom I almost had my first kiss in the boys bathroom, and the one and only guy Im lusting after for almost a decade now. 7ow I !ray to God and to the cosmos and to *!hrodite that were really meant to be together. &aybeits wishful thinking but still, there might be a chance, an iota of !ossibility.It was in high school that I finally thought seriously as to who I am. It was during these times my classmates and teachers asks who I really am. *m I gay or not, (ut then again, I $ust smile timidly but dee! inside me, I always knew the stigma of !ronouncing my se"uality to everyone. It was hard. 8ery hard. *nd I cried. (ut it all changed when I entered college and $oined 92 (abaylan. I knew I was not gay. Im a transgender. Its a case of transcendence that goes beyond whats established and owning the identity of the other. The transition was -uite a shock to some of my relatives. 0thers thought it was a nice sur!rise. Indeed, it was a ma$or decision I made when I was +:, of finally embracing who I really am and standing u! for my resolve no matter what. &aybe I consider Imelda &arcos as my ins!iration. The most imeldific, regal, and e"!ensive first lady we ever had who once famously said ;Ive always maintained that the only things to u!hold are the good, the true, and the beautiful. 1e have to re$ect whats ugly.< Transgender women always aim for !erfection, for beauty. It is not a shallow as!iration. (eauty has its own !olitical discourse, after all !olitics is defined as a way of regulating relationshi!s, of trying to influence others. *nd as transgenders, we use beauty to gain res!ect and acce!tance. 4all me frivolous but thats how it is. (eauty can elevate ones status and in our case, this is one of the cards we can dis!ose of to survive in this unforgiving world. (ut then again, there is always intelligence that sets one a!art. Some of us !ro$ect an image of immaculate grace and intelligence to gain res!ect. =or !eo!le to take us seriously. *nd I say this is a deadly combination. (ut not always effective.I remember once, we had a family gathering where all my relatives are !resent, es!ecially this uncle of mine who was a General in the military together with his comrades. I was informed that I should not in any case wear a dress or else I will not be allowed entrance. I was told it will be -uite embarrassing if I show u! dressed as a woman.That was so hurtful. *nd I cried inside as there were no tears falling because of the shock. It was actuallyharsher and more !ainful if the discrimination comes straight from the family than from strangers. There is still a stigma in our society if one belongs to the LG(T community. 7ow was it !ossible that our desires make u! our identity, 7ow did it come that our !references make u! the totality of our identity, worth, and value,*nd how was it !ossible that if one does not find himself>herself in the se"ual binary then that !erson is relegated as an alien to be mocked and cursed, 0ur society is tolerant to !eo!le belonging to the LG(T community but not totally acce!ting. There are still sets of standards that we have to conform to to deserve res!ect. The hy!ocrisy of it all. In the work!lace, I was barred to use the female restroom by the security guards in the com!any where I used to work. It is as if a transgender woman using a female bathroom is a case of security, that it !osts danger to the livesof !eo!le. *nd once I was turned down by a com!any due to my gender identity. &y e"!eriences are $ust a mere fragment of what is ha!!ening to transgender women. 1orse ha!!ened to others. *s transgender, Im lucky I have my 92 education as my back#u! and 92 (abaylan as my eye#o!ener. It is in the embracing breasts of the university I learned all about se"ual orientation and gender identity and the fundamental human rights of every individual. It was here I learned the beauty in diversity, in mutual res!ect and in understanding. In the real value of love. 1e still have a long way to go to achieve the uto!ian world that we are all dreaming of. 1here the rule of love, beauty, com!assion and understanding reigns above all. (ut I know, well get there someday.