office handouts for divorcing parents -...

6

OFFICE HANDOUTSFOR

DIVORCING PARENTS

Jennifer Lewis M.D. and William Sammons M.D.

www.childrenanddivorce.com

E-mail us at: [email protected]

For divorce related information and resources go to www.childrenanddivorce.com §and “Don’t Divorce Your Children” (Lewis and Sammons, Contemporary 1999)§

1

6

HANDOUTS FOR DIVORCING PARENTS

TELLING THE CHILDREN...........................................................................................................................3

REASSURANCE...............................................................................................................................................5

DEALING WITH CHILDREN'S FEELINGS OF FAULT.........................................................................7

TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT WHO “CAUSED” THE DIVORCE..............................................8

WHO DO YOU TELL ABOUT THE DIVORCE?.....................................................................................10

THE SCHEDULE OF TIME WITH EACH PARENT..............................................................................12

PLANNING A SCHEDULE: WHAT ROLE CAN CHILDREN PLAY?................................................14

HANDOVERS..................................................................................................................................................15

SHORT VISITS...............................................................................................................................................17

MECHANISMS FOR STAYING IN TOUCH............................................................................................18

READING THE AGREEMENT...................................................................................................................20

EXAMPLE OF LETTER TO THE NON-RESIDENTIAL PARENT......................................................22

SEPARATED PARENTS CONTACT INFORMATION..........................................................................23

EXAMPLE PEDIATRIC OFFICE QUESTIONAIRE...............................................................................24

EXAMPLE OF LETTER TO BE SENT TO SCHOOL BY BOTH PARENTS.....................................26

For divorce related information and resources go to www.childrenanddivorce.com §and “Don’t Divorce Your Children” (Lewis and Sammons, Contemporary 1999)§

2

TELLING THE CHILDREN

Every divorcing parent faces a dilemma of how to tell the children about the decision.There is no “easy” way to do this, but there are ways to make hearing the news easier forthe children.

WHAT TO SAY: The single most important element is the truth. That doesn’t necessarily mean disclosingeverything--if for no other reason than you will have to limit how much you say toaccommodate the limited attention span of your children. In the few minutes you’ve got,let them know: • Why you are separating.• Are you definitely getting a divorce, legally separating or temporarily living apart? If

it’s either of the latter two it’s reassuring to the children to be told how you intend towork it out, and how long you think it might take before you can be more definiteabout what will happen to the marriage.

• What is the immediate impact on their lives? Will they stay in the same house?Which parent will live with them?

• When, how, and where will they see the parent who is moving out? How will theystay in contact?

HOW TO SAY IT: It usually works best if parent do this together. Usually the parent who is leaving thehouse takes the lead. Nobody ever feels they do a perfect job. The children may interrupt;your spouse may interrupt. You may not end up saying what you planned, but do not lie.If you’re tempted to concoct a story on the fly, if you veer off the truth in an effort tomake yourself look better in their eyes, children will see through it for the elaborate scamit is. • Be succinct, simple, and clear, but be honest about your emotions because they affect

how you say the words.• Avoid blanket reassurances about the future.• Give them a believable reason for what happened in the relationship, or why you

personally made this decision.• Stick to the truth and don’t embroider in order to look like the good guy.

GENERAL GUIDELINES:

• Telling the kids about your decision may be the most important performance in yourlife. Take the time to think about it and make the necessary preparations to answertheir questions about living arrangements, continuing contact, and when they’re goingto next see, and how often thereafter they’ll spend time with, the parent who no longerwill live with them.

• Ideally both parents should tell the kids together.

• Tell the truth and nothing but the truth. That doesn’t mean that everything has to bedisclosed, but don’t make statements that have to be retracted later on.

• Give them a reason for the divorce that makes sense to a kid. Statements like “Wewant to stop fighting, and we haven’t been able to do that despite all our efforts” ismuch better than “We can’t get along anymore.”

• Extra-marital affairs should not be hidden, nor should they be the focus when tellingthe children of the decision to separate

• Expect the process to take two days, and even then it won’t be over. Stay flexible,keeping both parents available, letting the kids talk with whom they want rather thansetting a schedule.

• Let the children visit where the departing parent will be living, choose new bed-linens/comforters, bring a few clothes or toys over, or at the very least see where it is.

• If you are the parent who is leaving, don’t just disappear. Fix a date for the next timeyou’ll get together and make sure everyone has all the specifics, e.g. e-mail addresses,phone numbers, fax number, contact addresses.

REASSURANCE

During times of stress and turmoil parents want to be able to say something positive tomake children feel safe and secure. This need is especially pressing during periods ofheightened uncertainty, such as when a parent is planning to leave the family home.Words can indeed soothe children, especially younger ones, but their effect cannot lastunless subsequent actions and events validate what has been said. Significant acting talentis required to get away with blanket reassurances such as “Everything will be OK,” whenyour life is in shambles because of a divorce (especially if you don’t want one), the levelof adult hostility is intolerable, or your spouse is leaving for unknown reasons, oradultery. Telling the grade schooler or the adolescent “don’t worry” is fruitless whenyou’ve let them know you can’t stop yawning at dinner because you’re awake “thinkingabout things” most of the night.

Unfortunately, when blanket reassurances fail to work, it is tempting to explain what ishappening by putting the blame on the other parent. Opting for such a destructive strategygives the clear message to your children that they need to take sides. Children wellunderstand the significance of taking sides. They make hard social choices every day in aworld where being on the winning side seems critically important. They often live withthe consequences of a “bad” decision. So as their family splits apart, feeling pressure totake sides and deciding which side to take, increases anxiety, guilt, and stress.

If they are told the truth children handle uncertainty and unpredictability better than adultsgive them credit for. If you do not know the answers to their questions, say so. Even thebest intentioned deceit does not play well over time. In the midst of divorce children longto be able to trust what you say.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN:

• Children need to voice their concerns. Being told “not to worry” or “someone willalways take care of you” can stifle their willingness to share their viewpoint, leavingthem feeling vulnerable, rather than seeing they have any control over their lives.

• Kids know when you are worried,- they see the changes in your behavior. Talkingabout your concerns makes it easier for them to talk about their feelings.

• Limit your reassurance to words which can match your actions and your ability tocarry through with your promises.

• Being a good parent does not mean you have all the answers. Tell the truth.Fabrication, no matter how well-intentioned, or how good the words sound at themoment, always leads to distrust and recrimination.

• Try to include the children in the process of building a new life. Helping themunderstand the dilemmas does not require making them a confidant. Letting themhave a voice in certain decisions, such as where to live when there is a choice, gives

them a sense that things really are being worked out, even when there are no simpleblack and white answers.

• Don’t underestimate the degree to which children think about the implications ofwhat is happening. They worry about their own future and they worry about how eachparent will manage without the other.

• Remember that even long after the divorce decree has been granted, children whohave come to trust in your truthfulness are more likely to want to work with you thanagainst you.

DEALING WITH CHILDREN'S FEELINGS OF FAULT

All children probably have feelings that they caused the divorce. Blanket reassurance thatthis is not the case, e.g. “you had nothing to do with this” or “don’t worry it’s not yourfault”, rarely works. It is important to bear in mind the following points:

(1) Children need the opportunity to talk about why they feel at fault and how they thinkthey caused the divorce.

Open discussions are very important. Even troubling conversations are unlikely tocreate a problem, or make one worse, since the child is already feeling bad andguilty. Parents should help their children understand that adults are responsible fortheir own actions and decisions.

(2) Encourage each child to be very specific about what "I (the child) did" to cause thedivorce and what "I (the child) might do" to fix it or stop it from happening.

Hearing your child(ren) describe what he/she/they think they have done in theirown words, and acknowledging that point of view, makes it possible to respondsensibly and sensitively, rather than just offering blanket reassurance.

(3) If your child repeatedly attempts to bring both parents back together, consider whetherhe/she is feeling guilty about causing the divorce in the first place

The child who feels at fault will also feel responsible for righting the wrong. Justas they need to hear they didn't cause the divorce, children need a clear statementfrom each parent that they can't prevent it or reverse it.

(4) Don't shut down a conversation if children are asking for more details.

Telling children "it's too complex to explain" or "you would never understand thereasons for the divorce" may be transiently reassuring, but leaves them wonderingwhether they have the power to change their parents' plans and whether thesituation was worse than they could imagine.

(5) Help children develop an alternative explanation for what happened in the relationshipbetween their parents that doesn't make them the cause.

Children feel better when they can develop an explanation that makes sense tothem that doesn't put them in the middle. Parents need to acknowledge the reasonsfor the child's concerns, ... "Yes you are right, we do argue about your/TVhabits/your clothes/ your friends and I can see why this makes you worried it is allyour fault ...," Then when parents offer words of reassurance "...but you didn'tcause the breakup..." they are much more likely to be heard and accepted by thechild.

TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT WHO “CAUSED” THE DIVORCE

Amidst all the turmoil and difficulties that most parents encounter during a divorce, oneof the most difficult situations to handle is when children blame themselves. Expresseddirectly --“If I hadn’t caused all those arguments would you still be getting a divorce?-- orindirectly – “If I do all the chores and get good grades will you two get back togetheragain?”—such statements are common among children age four and above.

What should a parent do? Most children want reassurance that they did not cause thedivorce, but simply telling them that often ends the conversation before it begins andmakes the child feel like you don’t want to hear his/her thoughts or feelings. Reassurancemay be called for as the last step, but it should not be the first. It can be illuminating, atthe very least, to encourage your child to talk about exactly what he/she heard and what ishis/her perception of what “I did to cause this”. Equally important are your child’sperceptions about what can be done to “fix things up”. Listening can be one of the bestlearning/teaching opportunities in the whole divorce experience. It gives you a chance tounderstand what your child is thinking, and offer your own point of view, withoutnecessarily contradicting or undermining that of your child (see examples below).Hopefully, the more parents and children talk, the less the children are likely to feel atfault.

Fault is a difficult issue and your own perceptions of who is, or was, to blame for thebreak-up of your marriage may change over time. Early on, life itself may be confusing,and most adults alternate between blaming themselves, and blaming the other parent,when neither is constructive. The following are some exchanges which demonstrate howto stay focused on making sure your child doesn’t trap himself in this circle of blamewhile trying to discover who is the “bad guy”: me, Dad, or Mom?

In the examples below a “shut-down” response will rapidly terminate the conversation,but not be reassuring to your child. The “talk it out” response leaves room for your childto understand better and return to the subject at a later date.

EXAMPLE 1: "Daddy left because of me"

Child: I always make Daddy angry.... Isn't that why he left?

Parent (shut-down response ) You shouldn’t think like that. That's not why Daddy left.

Parent (talk it out response): It’s true that sometimes you did make Daddy angry. Andsometimes we made you angry. But that happens in every family. You also made us eachvery happy, and you still do. What happened was that Dad and I were always feelingangry with each other. We were never able to resolve things between ourselves. You did alot better than we did. When we told you we were angry because you were getting hometoo late, you actually started to get home on time. So you didn't make Dad leave. Dad wasangry about many things, and that was part of why he left. I'm not sure he or I understandit all, but we'll keep trying to explain it to you because neither one of us believes that youcaused this.

EXAMPLE 2: "I made you break up"

Child: I feel like I caused you and Mom to split up.

Parent (shut-down response): That's just not true. You shouldn't feel like it's your fault.

Parent (talk it out response): I understand you do feel guilty. But I know you aren't. Idon't blame you and neither does your Mom. Is there something we said, or either of usdid, that makes you think, or feel, you caused our problem?

EXAMPLE 3: "I took up all your time and attention."

Child: I think I caused the divorce because you and Dad never have any time together.When Dad wasn't traveling, and he was home, you spent all your time with me.

Parent (shut-down response): That's not true.

Parent (talk it out response): We did spend a lot of time with you. But that's because yourDad and I both wanted to do that. Maybe we should have spent more time together but wecould have done that and spent as much time with you. I'm sure if we had it to do overagain we'd still spend just as much time with you. I'm not sure I understand everythingthat happened between your Dad and me, but I'll explain what I can. Hopefully it willhelp you see that you didn't cause us to separate, although I can see how you might thinkthat.

WHO DO YOU TELL ABOUT THE DIVORCE?

Having made the decision to separate and/or divorce, parents immediately face a series ofdifficult choices: whom to tell? There are separate issues to consider about which familymembers to inform and in what order, when and whom to tell at work, etc., but mostimportant to your children may be communicating with the school.

SCHOOL:Carefully consider when to inform the school. Sometimes the classroom teacher,sometimes the principal, sometimes a guidance counselor can be of invaluable support.Many schools hold informal lunch groups to talk about family issues and growing-upquestions. If the school is aware of the family problems they can encourage your child’sparticipation before the emotional roller-coaster hits. Groups such as these offer childrena place to air their feelings when times get tough.

Many parents decide not to risk telling the school until they are ready to tell the childrenin case the news leaks. However, teachers and school personnel often see changes inbehavior and academic performance before the children, or they, are told. If the childrenare reacting negatively to the emotional climate at home the teachers, if not informed,may misinterpret the child’s change in behavior, or slipping academic performance, anddraw unfair conclusions. An adversarial relationship may result at just the wrong time,when the child needs understanding, rather than pushing. If teachers are kept in the darkas to the home situation a poor grade or a call to conference with the teacher may be thefirst warning the parents get that, while they have been keeping their impendingseparation secret, their child’s academic and social well-being has been compromised.Parents, children, and teachers can be caught in an uncomfortable situation--the parentsrealizing too late they have unwittingly created a problem by not keeping the schoolinformed.

Once you have separated it is important to communicate to the school that, as parents,you both want to stay involved. The school needs to duplicate all report cards, schoolnotices, calendars, etc. and send one to each of you, as well as make arrangements forseparate teacher conferences if necessary. Be prepared to make these requests more thanonce, in person and in writing--and keep making them at the beginning of each year soyou both stay in the loop. The request from each parent should ask that both parents beincluded and provide mailing addresses and/or e-mail contact numbers for each asappropriate.

THE REST OF THE COMMUNITY:Because of the need to discuss your life crisis with someone other than your spouse, it isunlikely that your kids will be the first people to know, but it is important to ensure thatthey are not the last, and that they hear the bad news from you, their parents, not throughfriends or gossip.

Friends and family, if informed in a timely manner, can help you build the support systemyour children will need. Your children, like you, need access to people who will besupportive, so try to think of the teachers, coaches, and family members with whom they

have a good relationship, and increase their contact with these adults. Don’t forget thekids will need people to talk to and have fun with when you’re not available, or at yourbest. They need adult relationships in which they feel valued, regardless of the state of thefamily. Your children will also probably want to take refuge in peer relationships. Try not tomake plans which meet your own needs for time with them if it means that they will haveless time for activities with others their own age. In anticipation of the separation parentscan successfully set up support systems for the future by getting the kids involved inathletics, gymnastics, Brownies/Scouts, or social activities sponsored by community orpeer groups. It may be better not to immediately tell all the parents of your kids’ friendswhat is about to happen but do try to set up more play dates--maybe sleepovers orweekend activities--in the weeks before and after the separation. For the adolescent whowants to hide everything, your setting an example will work better than strident advice tonot isolate themselves. On the other hand, while they may not talk to friends verbally,often e-mail and instant messaging can serve to create a very effective support network.

• Carefully judge which family members you inform. Allegiances and affection don’talways follow blood lines.

• Without disclosing your personal reasons it is possible to arrange more social contactsfor your children with their peers and other adults who care about them, or will takean interest in them, thereby broadening their support network for the days ahead whenthey will really need it.

• Check your school’s resources to see if there are ways the staff can work with you tohelp prepare the kids. Teachers, when informed in a timely manner, have less chanceof misinterpreting new behaviors and can be a stabilizing influence.

• No matter how careful you are, once the decision to separate/divorce has been made,it’s highly unlikely you can keep it secret from the kids for more than four to sixweeks.

THE SCHEDULE OF TIME WITH EACH PARENT

Dividing up the time your child(ren) spend with each parent is an emotionally trying task.Things will go more smoothly if you remember to ask the children for their suggestionsbefore finalizing an agreement, and agree to review the schedule of visits with the otherparent at least once a year to make necessary adjustments. Children’s needs and activitieschange as they get older, so when and how each parent gets to spend time with theirchildren must change too .

GENERAL GUIDELINES

Be aware that each individual’s needs are different so compromise is essential:What works for you, may not work for the other parent (and vice versa.)What works for the adults, may not work for the child(ren) (and vice versa)

In general children appreciate, and benefit from, keeping in touch and seeing both parentson a regular predictable schedule even if their parents don’t wish to see each other.

INFANTS AND TODDLERS

At first, infants and toddlers have a hard time being away from either parent for morethan 12 hours (especially the one who has done most of the day-to-day care before theseparation). But they can adapt within months to enjoy longer visits as they increasefamiliarity with the other parent.

SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN

Children aged 4 upwards are certainly able to be away from the most familiar parent forat least a day and an overnight, and do better with this type of longer visit than with short,two hour visits which are often all hello/goodbye. It is important that the parent they arewith is attentive to their needs while they are there (although this does not mean treatsand presents all day long) and that the parent they have left does not undermine the otherparent with badmouthing and criticisms in front of the children, creating loyaltyproblems.

As children get older they find short, evening visits increasingly frustrating. They are justlong enough to look forward to and just short enough to bring sadness when they areover; or sometimes they just seem to get in the way of doing home-work, playing withfriends etc. If this is the case, making them longer by allowing your child(ren) to sleepover midweek with the other parent is more enjoyable for everyone.

Short visits rarely work well for pre-teenagers but sometimes teenagers do like theopportunity for a quick meal with the other parent or a chance to chat when their siblingsare not around, before returning home to finish homework etc.

In general older children do better with fewer transitions back and forth between parents.

FIXING PROBLEMS

If your child(ren) is/are having a hard time with the frequency and timing of going backand forth:

Ask their suggestions, if they are old enough to tell youArrange the pick-up/return on “neutral” territory to avoid negative parent interaction, infront of the children e.g. school, library, friend’s house Do not assume that the other parent is at fault for any difficulty and stop or shortenvisits unless there is evidence of abuse or neglect.Consider lengthening short visitsMake sure you are not badmouthing the other parent which is likely to make your childanxious.

PLANNING A SCHEDULE: WHAT ROLE CAN CHILDREN PLAY?

Planning a schedule, or revising an existing one, will go more smoothly if the children areinvolved. However, giving your child a voice is not the same as letting your child makethe final decision. Keep in mind the following guidelines and work with your children todevise a schedule that truly meets their individual needs.

• Your children need, and have the right to, sufficient time with each parent tomaintain a meaningful parent-child relationship.

• Never forget that children are individuals. If you have more than one, don’t treatthem like an indivisible unit, just to simplify the logistics. Sometimes that meanseach kid ends up with a slightly different schedule but you'll hear the need for thatwhen you talk with them about their preferences.

• As choices may be necessary, get each child to make a list of their currentinterests and what they might want to try in the next few years. If the level ofparental hostility is high, using a third person to listen to the children and thenconvey the information to you can be helpful.

• Children’s interests, goals, and activities change. As part of formulating aschedule, encourage your kids to help create a mechanism to make changes, e.g.some families hold an e-mail chat session, or have a democratic meeting.

• You'll want to take account of individual quirks: for instance, if your children are“slow risers”, or temperamentally stubborn and resistant, then you don't want aschedule that demands you be responsible for having them up and ready in themorning at an early time.

• School children may prefer to spend more of their time with the adult who is mosthelpful with homework.

• Single nights in a different home are difficult for all age groups, but studentsespecially can suffer academically from the break in routine and the absence of afamiliar place to work that provides the necessary resources.

HANDOVERS

Handovers--the physical and logistical arrangements necessary when children leave thecare and responsibility of one parent for that of the other--are but one aspect of thetransition process. There is no perfect handover routine which can be applied to allfamilies, and even within a given family a successful routine will need to be modifiedover time. There are a few basics, however, which have served as valuable guidelines formany families, whether they are creating a handover routine for the first time, ordetermining what revisions are necessary to make one more satisfactory.

A good handover routine reduces the pressures and demands on the parent the kids areleaving, and maximizes the enjoyable time with the parent they are joining.

LOCATION: The parent-to-parent handover of the children is likely to provoke acting out on their part,as well as offering an opportunity for the adults to vent lingering hostilities and to pressmore practical issues (e.g., “You never could be anywhere on time!” or “I suppose youexpect me to wash their clothes and get their homework done now!” or “Why haven’t Ireceived the support check?”). If these interactions are occurring in front of the childrenwe advise avoiding parent-to-parent handovers whenever possible.

This is most easily managed if you agree that the pick-up or drop off will occur at aneutral, safe location where there are adults to watch out for the kids and activities inwhich they can participate. For example, dropping off at school or day-care works wellafter an overnight or weekend visit. For picking up, a church group, the day care center,school, or a library where the kids can go and wait without the parent are ideal. Suchsettings often take the pressure off choosing an exact time when traffic conditions or lastminute work hassles may delay you. Children say they like this set-up. It gives them freetime, a sense of control, and often an adjustment interlude which makes it easier to fit inwith the arriving parent without the hesitancy felt after an immediate parting from theother parent.

MECHANISM: Once you’ve established a suitable location, then you have more control over the greetingand the good-bye. In a neutral setting greetings tend to be more enthusiastic and leavingsfeel a little bit less like being shut out of your kids’ lives. Both children and parents aremore comfortable if they are not being watched by the other parent, or trying to besensitive to that person’s feelings.

Most of the entanglements happen during the drop off. Taking the kids to school or daycare, or putting them on the school bus, is a normal activity for most parents and is quitetolerable, but when children have to be returned to the other parent, like an object beingreturned to the store, it is always painful as it highlights how abnormal the life afterdivorce really is.• Once a child is old enough to be in day care, the best routines avoid a direct parent-to-

parent handover.

• Scheduling times for pick up and return requires careful consideration of everyone’scommitments. Before you make compromises get input from the kids. Parents whomake unilateral decisions often meet resistance and acting out.

• Pick up times are usually set so the parent has the maximum possible time with thechildren, but that is not always wise. Giving them a window of free time between theend of school and meeting the parent offers children quiet time to ease the transition,time to spend with peers that may decrease competitive pressures on time together,and/or lets them complete their homework.

• Partings from each other are less volatile if children are brought back to school/daycare in the morning rather than returned directly to the other parent.

• Neutral locations are the best when meeting the kids and/or returning them, e.g.,school/day care, the library, school bus, community center, etc.

• Neutral locations minimize the problems of “getting the kids ready on time”.

• As the children’s interests and social groups change, the routine will have to beadapted.

• No matter what the handover routine there will be some awkwardness and hesitancyaround reunions, and mixed emotions in anticipation of saying good-bye.

SHORT VISITS

It is most families’ experience that short visits don’t go smoothly, especially when time ispressured (having to get to school on time) or parent-to-parent handovers are involvedand the children are affected by the tensions between parents. If you are the residentialparent it is hard to work around two transitions occurring within a few hours of eachother. If you are the non-residential parent you will be faced with the daunting task ofcreating quality time with your children in so short a period that it barely allows them toequilibrate to the change in parent, let alone relax and enjoy themselves. Children whoendure short visits often state that they just feel like pawns in their parents’ game. Whilethe total time allotment with each parent may be fair, when it is chopped up into shortvisits the structure usually makes the time frustrating for everyone concerned.

• Dividing time with your children is not just a matter of apportioning hours. It isimportant to ensure that whatever time is available to each parent is allocated inemotionally rewarding blocks of time.

• For most parent--child relationships this means a minimum of 48 hours on a weekend,or overnight on weekdays. The shorter the duration, especially less than three hours,the higher the likelihood of emotional frustration and acting out.

• If time is tight or the visit is short, try to agree on optimizing the logistics; forexample, calling before you leave to pick up the children so they can be ready whenyou get there or picking them up at the end of school.

• Try not to blame the other parent for inadequacies in the time allocations. This forceschildren to take sides and invites them to start thinking who they would rather bewith.

• Short visits may be beneficial for very young infants and young toddlers who tend tobe awake for 3-4 hour periods. Short visits, such as a weeknight dinner, can alsoprovide valuable individual time for the older child, especially the adolescent whomay have concerns and issues you prefer not to discuss in front of younger siblings.

Rest assured, it is possible to come up with a schedule which meets everyone's needs sothat time together is enjoyable. Look back at what has and has not worked so far, andyou'll probably see that the visits which are less than overnight, and shorter than twonights on weekends, are the ones which cause problems for both parents and yourchildren.

MECHANISMS FOR STAYING IN TOUCH

In the early stages of negotiating a separation agreement it is essential to include adiscussion of methods of staying in contact with your children when they are not withyou. This involves both parents agreeing on which of the following mechanisms workbest for your family’s situation.

All the choices have pros and cons. Cell phones and fax machines may involve aninvestment in equipment. Regular telephone contact may demand investing in a secondchildren’s' line and/or an answering machine. As soon as children can read and write theycan master e-mail, while younger children enjoy sending and receiving pictures/drawingsby fax..

CELL PHONES/WIRELESS• --Offers access at all locations for both parent and child• --Can leave voice mail messages• --Caller ID facilitates consistent access• --Surprisingly affordable plans available• --Beware!!-choose the right payment plan to avoid excessive long distance

charges•

REGULAR TELEPHONE• --Limits access to one location• --Necessitates scheduling of calls• --Unscheduled calls on family phone are intrusive• --Therefore separate phone for children’s' use advisable• --Answering machines should be capable of taking long messages• --Beware!!-conversations are often inhibited by the presence of the other parent•

E-MAIL• --Children have access at libraries, schools, and friends' houses• --Parents can pick up messages at home, office, or worldwide• --Can be used when one parent obstructs communication• --Messages can be detailed• --Possibility of multiple messages to and fro, make planning easier• --Messages can be printed so instructions are easily followed• --Beware!!-affect and emotions are easily misread on e-mail messages•

FAX• --Widely available, including in schools• --Printed messages avoid confusion• --When traveling may be better than phone• --Children and parents can exchange drawings• --Messages can be received in parents' handwriting

• --Beware!!- the lack of privacy

Choosing to adopt ways of staying in touch which limit the other parent in ways that youwould not accept for yourself always breeds hostility and causes problems.Remember that children change—and so do parents. Over time you will likely switchfrom reliance on one mechanism to favoring another—and so will your child(ren). So beready to make the necessary adjustments.

READING THE AGREEMENT

In their attempt to come to terms with their parents’ divorce many kids ask what thedivorce agreement actually says. From the child’s perspective the document comes todefine life at the moment, and life in the future, so it’s unsettling when they are kept inthe dark about its terms. They know that this piece of paper restricts their freedom, limitstheir financial resources, stifles flexibility, and causes friction between their parents. Theyknow it took time and money to devise. They know it specifies when they will be where,and how much money each parent has to spend--the latter being perhaps most importantof all.

Yet parents will rarely discuss the details, although they intimate that they are cast instone. Following all the turmoil during the separation, this hardly makes childrenoptimistic or more trusting of their parents. More than one child has remarked that thismay be a settlement, but it rarely ever sounds like an agreement.

To be told that they can’t see this document, read it, or be privy to its contents--when it’squite plain even to a five-year-old that this will be the “Bible of life”--generates a broadrange of reactions. Rarely are any positive. Withdrawal, anger, confusion, hostility aretypical and expectable.

Many parents tell their children the legal details of the document are “Too complicated”,or say “You wouldn’t understand.” Other parents try to get themselves off the hook byhiding behind the authority of the court. They are prone to say there is no point in readingthe agreement as they can’t change it once the judge has made the decision. Having hadtheir lives abruptly turned on tilt, children have difficulty coping with the concept of anunaccountable and unknown authority like The Judge or The Courts. It makes life feelthreatening and leaves them distrustful of their parents’ ability to control the future. It iseven more confusing when they discover the truth, which is that their parents, not thecourt, actually decided, or at least agreed to, the provisions. As more than one child hasremarked, “I don’t get it. If you made the rules why can’t you change them?”

The best way to answer your children’s questions about the future is to read the documentwith them.

WHY SHARE THE DIVORCE AGREEMENT WITH YOUR CHILDREN?

• Reading the settlement helps children look to the future with a sense of certainty anddecreases the fear that parents are hiding something even more dire than the divorce.

• Letting your children read the settlement agreement lets them know there are ruleswhich govern your actions post-divorce which you have agreed you are legally boundto obey.

• Even for the young child who wants the document read to him/her--and that usuallylasts for about two paragraphs since most kids think it’s very boring--just hearing itand seeing it are reassuring.

WHEN YOU HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD:

• Make sure you have a document that is written in plain English, not “lawyerese”; itwill be easier to explain and leave less room for misinterpretation in the future.

• Don’t hide behind the agreement. If there are sections neither you nor your child like,explain your point of view and how it differs from your ex-spouse’s. Rather thancriticize the other parent, have the child talk to him or her directly, but forewarn theother parent!

• Be prepared to answer your child’s questions and criticisms, especially if there was noprior discussion about scheduling, transitions, or finances. Children often have goodideas which deserve consideration.

• Try to minimize loyalty conflicts. Many children will think a certain provision unfair,either because they don’t like it, or the provision makes them feel as if they’re beingforced to choose between parents.

• Tell the truth.

EXAMPLE OF LETTER TO THE NON-RESIDENTIAL PARENT

Dear Mr./Ms Doe:

We are sorry to learn that you and your spouse are no longer living together. We knowthat this is a difficult time and would like to help in any way possible.

Since you may have need for pediatric services we want you to know that we can becontacted at:

Phone number: ______________________________________E-mail: _______________________________________Web site: ________________________________________After hours: ________________________________________

Our regular office hours are:Weekdays: ___________________Saturday: ___________________Sunday: __________________

We are located at: ____________________________________________________

In case we need to reach you we have the following contact information:Home phone: ______________________Work phone: ______________________E-mail: _______________________Address: _________________________

___________________________

If this is incorrect or changes please contact us as soon as possible.

Finally you may want to stop by the office to pick up some handouts that we believe willbe of value to you. They will help you make decisions about the future and help youbetter understand your child(ren)’s point of view about what has happened, and what mayhappen in the future. We hope you will keep in contact with us and stay involved withyour child(ren) We have included one of our handouts which we suggest that you sendyour child(ren)’s school(s) at your earliest opportunity.

Sincerely yours

Dr.__________________________ and Office Staff

22

For divorce related information and resources go to µwww.childrenanddivorce.com§and “Don’t Divorce Your Children” (Lewis and Sammons, Contemporary 1999)

SEPARATED PARENTS CONTACT INFORMATION

Date:

CHILD(REN) NAME(S): _____________________________________________________________________________________________

MOTHER NAME: ______________________________

Home phone:________________________________Home e-mail:________________________________Home Address________________________________

________________________________Work phone:________________________________Work e-mail:________________________________

Do you have a preference for how we should contact you?

FATHER NAME: _____________________________

Home phone:________________________________Home e-mail:________________________________Home Address________________________________

________________________________Work phone:________________________________Work e-mail:________________________________

Do you have a preference for how we should contact you?

OTHER CONTACTS?

23


EXAMPLE PEDIATRIC OFFICE QUESTIONAIRE

1) How would you describe the level of cooperation between you and your spouse?(Check one)

HighMediumLow

2) How would you describe the level of hostility between you and your spouse? (Checkone)

HighMediumLow

3) What are the arrangements for your children to see the other parent?Where?How frequently?For how long?Handover routine & site?Predictability/Reliability?

4) Are the schedule arrangements fair and mutually agreeable?YesNo

5) What are the arrangements for your children to communicate with the other parent?(Check those that apply)

Phone?Fax?Email?

6) What is the most difficult question your children have asked you?

Why did you have difficulty answering?

7) What concerns have your children brought to you?

How have you tried to reassure the children? Yes/No

8) Do your children know what it says in the divorce agreement re:Child support?Visiting schedule?

24


Holiday arrangements?College tuition responsibilities?

Have they read the divorce agreement? Yes/No

9) Have you seen the following behavior changes at home? Yes/NoDiscipline problemsIncreased complianceSleep changesEating changesAngerWithdrawalRegression

10) Has school notified you of any of the following behavior changes? Yes/NoAcademicPeerDisciplineAggressionWithdrawalIncreased compliance

11) What steps would you like to see taken to improve life for the children?

12) What would you like to see stopped to improve life for the children?

13) What changes do you anticipate in the next six months?(Check those that apply)Moving?New job?New relationships?

14) Which of the following are part of your/your child(ren)’s support system? ?(Checkthose that apply)

Grandparents/family members?Friends/neighbors?Teachers?Coaches?Peers?Mental health professional?

25


EXAMPLE OF LETTER TO BE SENT TO SCHOOL BY BOTH PARENTS

Student: ____________________________ Grade ____________Student: ____________________________ Grade ____________Student: ____________________________ Grade ____________

Date:

To Whom It May Concern:

As my spouse and I are now living in separate residences (see below) I would like torequest that the school please duplicate all mailings and other printed communications,including report cards, notices of events, calendars of activities, etc so that individualcopies can be sent to each parent.

I would appreciate being updated on any significant conversations with my child(ren)’smother/father concerning his/her/their progress so we can all work together to make thesedifficult times easier on everyone concerned.

MOTHER: _____________________

Home phone: ________________________________Home e-mail: ________________________________Mailing address: _____________________________

_____________________________

FATHER: ______________________

Home phone: ________________________________Home e-mail: ________________________________Mailing address: _____________________________

_____________________________

Thank you for your help in this matter,

26


office handouts for divorcing parents -...

Documents