Objective: Evaluate your expository essay; analyze the rubric and feedback; revise/rewrite your essay to improve your score. Expository Essay Rubric CSHS Rubric EOC Designed to give you room to make mistakes without killing your grade. All 4s = 100 All 3s = 85 All 2s = 70 All 1s = 55 Measures mastery of the concepts you have learned throughout the year. 4 = excellent, very rare 3 = passing, target score 2 = failing, but close 1 = failing, not close Measures mastery of the concepts you have learned throughout the year. 4 = excellent, very rare 3 = passing, target score 2 = failing, but close 1 = failing, not close General Notes Some good essays that scored poorly because they: Discussed how actions should back up words. Discussed that we should do what we say we will do. Focused only on actions without ever contrasting those ideas with words. Some essays that scored poorly because they: Were completely off topic. Were poorly written. The Second Person Unacceptable:Better: If youre nice to someone after you have been mean to them it can mean a lot more to them than you probably think. When people treat others poorly, showing that they are sorry through actions can be much more effective than saying they are sorry with words. Informal Language Clichs:Colloquialisms: People should always think before they speak. Christians are supposed to have a clean mouth. Saying sorry to someone helps but actually showing someone you are sorry is way better. Actions define character, because its easy to throw cheap words out there. Idioms: Absolutes Leaves NO ROOM for Exceptions: Leaves room for exceptions: After someone has been mean, it is always possible for them to fix it in the future. Words are meaningless because only actions show the real truth. Peoples words sometimes contradict their actions. While words often fail to bring about change, actions are much harder to ignore. Commands and Directives Ineffective: You should make sure that your actions back up your words. People should remember that actions are more powerful than words. Dont let your words speak more than your actions. In each of these cases, the writer is telling the reader what he should or should not do. This is not a persuasive essay. The goal is not to convince your audience to do something. Introductions Ineffective: Have you ever tried to put yourself into a deaf persons shoes? They have to use actions to speak. Actions speak louder than words when you are trying to make up for a mistake. Second person (you) Rhetorical question was not one of the introduction styles taught. The bridge does not provide any connection to the thesis statement. The entire introduction mentions nothing about making mistakeswhy did we start out talking about people who are deaf? Introductions Effective: Jesus Christ once stated, By their fruits ye shall know them. Usually people do not judge a tree by its leaves, bark, or flowers but by the fruit which it bears. It is the action of bearing fruit that is the true achievement of the tree. People can achieve great things by their actions rather than by their words. Hook effectively introduces a meaningful, relevant quote. Effective bridge that connects the idea of bearing fruit to an achievement (the central focus of the thesis statement). Clear and specific thesis that shows how actions can be more powerful than words. Quote Introductions Ineffective:Effective: I am not imposed upon by fine words; I can see what actions mean George Eliot Thoughts do more. Words do much. Actions do much more, according to Israelmore Ayivor. Novelist George Eliot once wrote, I am not imposed upon by fine words; I can see what actions mean. According to Israelmore Ayivor, Thoughts do more. Words to much. Actions do much more. Thesis Statements Ineffective:Effective: Actions prove words right or wrong. People often learn from past mistakes and change how they act towards the future. When attempting to make up for past mistakes, actions can be more powerful than words. Actions can be more powerful than words when people are trying to make a difference. Thesis Statements Effective: When attempting to make up for past mistakes, actions can be more powerful than words. Actions can be more powerful than words when people are trying to make a difference. A clear, provable response to the HOW part of the prompt. Uses wording from the prompt. Concrete Details Vague:Specific: People can say one thing and act on it or do something else. My brother always says that he is going to pick me up on time, but every day, he is late to the school. Concrete Details Vague:Specific: Making positive and negative actions can result in a bad or good way. In a negative way, if someone is mad at another, they could let out all their emotions and possibly hit someone. In a positive way, one could give someone a hug, or walk them home from school if they were having a bad day. Rosa Parks inspired many as she quietly sat on the bus and endured harsh words thrown at her. Her act was a pivotal point toward ending segregation in America, and she taught a valuable lesson without saying a word. Concrete Details Focus on WORDS:Focus on ACTION: During his time, Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke to many crowds about the need for change in the way African Americans are treated. This action served to inspire many people to demand fair treatment and eventually ended segregation with the Civil Rights Act. Although Martin Luther King, Jr., was known for his words, it was his actions that made the biggest impact on the people that he inspired. By leading peaceful protests, sit-ins, marches and, even serving jail time, Kings actions became much more powerful than his words. Sentence Variety Repetitive Syntax: The girl was outside and a man got out of a truck. The girl ran into the barn and the man, clearly very angry, followed her. The girl had been abused by this man and she was cornered. Each sentence starts with The girl followed by a verb. All three sentences are compound and joined by the conjunction andthe appropriate FANBOYS comma is missing. Sentence Variety Diverse Syntax: Rosa Parks was a relatively quiet woman; however, her actions changed the world. While sitting on a bus, she refused to move for a white man. This simple action was more powerful than any words could have been, and because of this, Parks became an icon of the Civil Rights Movement. Sentence Variety Diverse Syntax: Rosa Parks was a relatively quiet woman; however, her actions changed the world. While sitting on a bus, she refused to move for a white man. This simple action was more powerful than any words could have been, and because of this, Parks became an icon of the Civil Rights Movement. Sentence 1: A medium-length, compound sentence joined with a semicolon Sentence 2: A somewhat short sentence with an introductory phrase and comma before the main clause Sentence 3: A longer Compound- Complex sentence with two independent clauses and one dependent clause Concluding Statements Ineffective:Effective: So next time you get in a disagreement, remember your actions will be heard way sooner than your words. Furthermore, many people can talk all they want, but it only matters if they act on their word. Words can be effective; however, when a person is attempting to change the world, actions are much more powerful. Although we often rely on words to express ourselves, actions can be much more powerful than words when trying to correct a mistake. Editing Key (p. 34 Help Desk) Reflect Improve Your Grade Revise 1. Explain why you earned the score that you earned. 2. Discuss three things you did well. 3. Discuss three things you could improve. 1. Explain why you earned the score that you earned. 2. Discuss three things you did well. 3. Discuss three things you could improve. 1. Review and consider my feedback. 2. Go back through the checklist. 3. Re-write your essay to improve your score. 1. Review and consider my feedback. 2. Go back through the checklist. 3. Re-write your essay to improve your score.