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Vol. 3, No. 200 Friday, November 21, 2014

Time For A Border Fence—For Canada? The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified since the November 4th elections, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party, and the fact Republicans won the Senate, are prompting

an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and

The SpyderJust when Tracy Stone was about to give up motorcycles after riding them his entire life, he came across this three-wheel version, the Can-Am Spyder, and he was back in the saddle. “It handles really well,” he says, “especially on the corners.” Of course, the way the weather is now — a record-breaking Arctic blast that rolled in on November 9th and hasn’t let up a whole bunch — Tracy probably has the Spyder parked for the winter unless (and hopefully) we get some warm days ahead, and it’s looking like that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Thanksgiving Day has a forecast for a high of 16°.

Real Life Wisdom

Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Southern Saskatchewan farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders Montana. “The producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?” In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.” Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves. “A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.” When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races. In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching half-a-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed seniorcitizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?” In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, “We’re going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out,” he said.

Border fence continued from front

Political Buzz...

BUZZIFIEDS

Still expecting some mixed precipitation

Tonight: Partly cloudy, with a low around 25. West wind around 6 mph becoming calm.Saturday: A slight chance of rain or freezing rain before 11am, then a chance of rain showers. Mostly cloudy, with a high near 40. East southeast wind 6 to 8 mph becoming southwest in the afternoon. Chance of precipitation is 30%.Saturday Night: A chance of rain showers before 11pm, then a chance of snow showers. Mostly cloudy, with a low around 23. Breezy, with a west wind 15 to 23 mph, with gusts as high as 33 mph. Chance of precipitation is 30%. New snow accumulation of less than a half inch possible.Sunday: A 40 percent chance of snow showers, mainly before 11am. Cloudy, with a high near 25. Blustery, with a northwest wind 23 to 25 mph, with gusts as high as 36 mph. New snow accumulation of less than a half inch possible.Sunday Night: A 20 percent chance of snow showers. Mostly cloudy, with a low around 10. Northwest wind 10 to 18 mph, with gusts as high as 25 mph.Monday: Partly sunny, with a high near 25. West northwest wind around 10 mph.Monday Night: Mostly cloudy, with a low around 14.Tuesday: Mostly cloudy, with a high near 27.Tuesday Night: Mostly cloudy, with a low around 10.Wednesday: Mostly cloudy, with a high near 19.Wednesday Night: Mostly cloudy, with a low around 5.Thanksgiving Day: Partly sunny, with a high near 16.

FARMERS MARKET! This Sat. Nov. 22, 9am - 3pm. With fresh lefse, pies and buns...Pre-ordering is available...Pickled beets, baby dills, garlic, peppers,cauliflower, salsa, chokecherry jam, and syrup, and more to choose from...Great gifts for that hard to buy for person. Planning on having one Nov. 25th, and 26th, if weather warms up. LOOK FOR SIGNS. RED ROCK PLAZA (ACROSS FROM COKE PLANT).

BUZZHELP WANTED: Looking for full and part-time daytime & evening front counter workers. Hours & days worked may vary, but not necessarily. PERSONS MAY APPLY AT DAIRY QUEEN

BUZZFOR RENT & SALE IN ST. MARIE: 3 Bedroom, 1.5 Bath. CALL 406-524-3742.

BUZZHOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS! Rent this custom 3-bdrm home, 1 ½ bath w/ garage, fireplace. Close to Glasgow. Like-new interior, move-in ready. No Smoking or Pets. Damage deposit. (406) 367-9300 OR (651) 490-5757

BUZZFOR RENT in St. Marie 4-bedroom 1.5 bath. Roommate needed also. CALL 524-3188.

BUZZADVERTISE HERE. JUST $5/DAY OR $20/5 DAYS (10¢ per word after 30 words). CALL 228-4558 BUZZIFIEDS - THEY WORK!

“Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed

Real Life Wisdom

The Glasgow Soroptimists along with Pacific Steel & Recycling and the Glasgow High School Student Council announce the annual Block of Bucks collection on Friday, December 5th. The annual program provides clothing for Valley County children from infant to 12 years of age. Parents may sign up at the Office of Public Assistance, located at 630 2nd Ave. South, Glasgow. Please note that this is a new location, it is in the same building as the Social Security Office. Sign up goes through Monday, December 1st. Parents must sign up in person; phone calls will not be accepted. No applications will be accepted after the 1st. Applications MUST be picked up at the Office of Public Assistance and returned to that office. Donations are needed to fund the clothes shopping event & are deeply appreciated. They may be mailed prior to collection day to: Soroptimists of Glasgow, Box 961, Glasgow, MT 59230. Volunteers are needed to help families shop Saturday, December 6th. Please call Mary Armstrong, 253-350-2070, if you are willing to help, or if you have any questions.

Burning up about cold weather If you live in a part of the world that’s warm all year, that never gets snow and ice, that allows you to wear shorts and sandals whenever you please, there’s something I’d like to say to you: I hate you. Well, perhaps ‘hate’ is too strong a word. How about ‘despise’? Yes, that’s more like it. That captures exactly how I feel about you at this moment, in the dead of winter, when there’s tons of snow outside my home and I can’t even visit the mailbox without having to spend the next three hours defrosting my brain. But I really shouldn’t complain: It used to take much longer -- before I owned a microwave. From November to March every year, I can’t help envying people who are blessed with tropical weather, people who are like my neighbor’s cat — always in heat. Unlike me, these lucky people never have to scrape snow and ice off their windshields, off their driveways, off their mustaches. Every winter, I can’t help asking a question that environmentalists, for some strange reason, don’t like to hear: Is there any way to speed up global warming? I realize it’s supposed to be bad for us, but what could be worse, scientifically speaking, than freezing our butts off? Please don’t tell me about the importance of the ozone layer — the only layer I’m concerned with right now is the layer of ice on my nose. In case you’re wondering exactly how cold it is, let’s ask a few people in the northern cities of America. Cleveland man, age 70: “It’s so cold that when I woke up this morning, I couldn’t get my teeth to stop chattering. It was such a struggle, believe me, to put them in my mouth.” Opheim woman, age 56: “It’s so cold that my pipes froze. Not just my windpipe, but also my tailpipe.” Buffalo man, 28: “It’s so cold that I actually feel like listening to Rush Limbaugh. That’s how desperate I am for some hot air.” Detroit man, age 43: “It’s so cold that I found a burglar stuck to my front window. It turns out that my neighbor had spotted the burglar, pulled out a gun, and said, ‘Freeze!’ And he did!”

Roubie Younkin, Valley County MSU Extension Agent, is once again offering a pumpkin pie baking class slated for Monday, November 24th at 5:30 p.m. in the GHS Home Ec Room. This year’s workshop will be a part of the Adult Ed cooking class and everyone is welcome to attend one or all of these classes. Participants will learn to make their own crust, mix ingredients and bake their pies to take home. Come and learn the secret to delicious, flaky pie crusts and the science behind pumpkin pie filling. This year we will be experimenting with different shortenings to determine which makes the “best” crust. Please call the Extension Office, 228-6241, if you are planning to attend so there is enough supplies for everyone to make their own pumpkin pie.

Make & bake a pumpkin pie!

The Glasgow Soroptimists along with Pacific Steel & Recycling and the Glasgow High School Student Council announce the annual Block of Bucks collection on Friday, December 5th. The annual program provides clothing for Valley County children from infant to 12 years of age. Parents may sign up at the Office of Public Assistance, located at 630 2nd Ave. South, Glasgow. Please note that this is a new location, it is in the same building as the Social Security Office. Sign up goes through Monday, December 1st. Parents must sign up in person; phone calls will not be accepted. No applications will be accepted after the 1st. Applications MUST be picked up at the Office of Public Assistance and returned to that office. Donations are needed to fund the clothes shopping event & are deeply appreciated. They may be mailed prior to collection day to: Soroptimists of Glasgow, Box 961, Glasgow, MT 59230. Volunteers are needed to help families shop Saturday, December 6th. Please call Mary Armstrong, 253-350-2070, if you are willing to help, or if you have any questions.

Block of Bucks just around the corner

First Community Bank of Hinsdale donated $300 towards funds being raised for the Community Kitchen at Milk River Activities Center. Pictured is Brian Stotts, laundry worker and Marc Wehern, Executive Director, both of Milk River Activity Center, and Linda Lacock, Assistant Branch Manager of First Community Bank of Hinsdale.

Donations keep rolling in

The Glasgow High School Speech & Drama meet is Saturday, November 22nd from 8 a.m. – 3 p.m. and they are still in need of judges to help out. If you would like to help in judging for any and/or all of the day please contact Matt Bacon at the Glasgow High School, 228-2485.

In need of more judges

by Bruce Auchly, Montana Fish, Wildlife & Parks How is the hunting season going for you? I thought so. First, too warm, too windy. Now cold or at least colder. Cold is good for a variety of reasons: It moves animals, it moves hunters who move animals, and the danger of meat spoiling is less than in warmer weather. One factor, I’ve seen recently that has the potential to spark heated discussion is unnecessary long-range shooting. What is long-range shooting? The only easy answer is with another question. How far is too far? Too far could be 50 yards or 700 yards, depending on conditions and a hunter’s skill. As one prominent writer put it: “When someone boasts of killing from afar, I’m tempted to console him: ‘Cheer up; you’ll get closer next time.’” No less an authority than the Boone and Crockett Club has recently taken a position discouraging long-range shooting. The club is North America’s oldest hunter conservationist organization, founded in 1887 by Theodore Roosevelt. Its national headquarters is in Missoula. It owns the Theodore Roosevelt Memorial Ranch on the Rocky Mountain Front west of Dupuyer.In its recent magazine “Fair Chase”, the club says long-range shooting takes unfair advantage of the game animal and its natural capacity to use its senses and instincts to detect danger. Think of the advantages we have as hunters. Bullets that can hit accurately targets at 500, 600, even 1,000 yards. Compact rangefinders that use lasers to tell us a target’s distance out to 1,000 yards or more. Telescopic sights that sit atop our rifles and magnify a target to 8,

10, even 12 times. Technology is not bad. Heck, I own a lot myself. Last month during the antelope season, I spied a herd at 500 yards, as determined by my rangefinder. Then, as I watched them with my 10-power binoculars, they looked back at me with their 8-power vision. I attempted to get closer, crawling over inch-high grass and prickly pear cactus. Meanwhile, they had me pegged, using their bulging eyes set high atop their head for taking in close to 300 degrees of their surroundings. I’d swear I heard one laugh at me. Eventually, they ran off. I passed up that 500-yard shot not because I’m morally superior. I just have no confidence at hitting and cleanly killing a pronghorn at 500 yards. I’m not even sure I could hit a barn door at 500 yards, at least a small barn door. One of the satisfactions of hunting is the skills a hunter uses to stalk game, skill that really says a lot about the hunter. Certainly the closer you get, the more often you’ll fail: The reward of taking game home comes with risk. So again, what’s too long? Here’s a thought, then, if you can hit the center of a target nine out of ten times, the distance doesn’t matter. If you took a shot that even you describe as lucky, it was too far.

A Shot Too Far

Here we go Scotties, here we go!

Scotty Winter sports officially got underway Thursday night at the Glasgow High School Gymnasium. Pictured above is the Scotty boys’ basketball team with 19 athletes coming out for the first night of practice. They return four starters off last year’s team that went to State.

The Scotty girls’ basketball team has 20 girls out for the first night of practice. First game for both the Scotty boys and girls is Friday, December 5th in Glendive.

And the Scotty wrestlers hit the mats last night with the numbers up considerably, featuring 16 grapplers. They’ll see their first action at the Sidney Invitational December 5th and 6th.

Friday Funnies by Sugar

A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “We’re having goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the Pastor, “Are you sure about that?” “Yes,” said the youngster, “I heard Daddy say to Mommy, ‘We might as well have the old goat for supper tonight.’”

Desmond, Don and Burt — all gentlemen of age 80 plus — are enjoying each others company in the city park. Desmond brings up the subject of life at their age, and says, “It’s a wretched life. I am at an age where I can afford exotic food. You all know what a foodie I am. But the doctor will allow me only boiled vegetables.” Don has his own tale of woes. He says, “I sure agree with Desmond. When I come to a point in my life where I can afford the best wines, what do I have? A bad liver. It sucks.” Burt joins the cribbing club and says, “I know the feeling, fellows. Last night, I woke up the missus at three in the morning and asked if she was in the mood. She yelled at me, asking me if I was in my senses ’cause we had just finished for the second time last night.” There was a pause, and then Desmond asked, “So, what is the problem, Burt?” Burt said, “Can’t you see, guys? I’m losing my memory!”

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, “I’ve heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I’ve met who passed out a sample of it.”

A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to the lottery office to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, “I want my $20 million.” The man replied, “No, ma’am, it doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” The blonde said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it!” Again, the man explain that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”