Glorious food

How to make mealtimes more fun

mattersT H E O F F I C I A L M A G A Z I N E O F T A M B A

S P R I N G I S S U E \ M a R c h 2 0 1 4

Multiple

PLUS: New discouNters • tAMBA GiVeAwAYs • News ANd More

Helping HandsBack our vital work to assist families in crisis

decodiNG ‘twiN tAlk’When multiples speak

a secret language

wiN A holidAY!

Be in with a chance on Tamba’s raffle

what’s inside: spring 2014

It is with immense pride that we are officially launching Tamba’s Helping Hands project. We’ve been very quietly testing it ever since we helped Paul Mason, who lost his wife shortly after giving birth to triplets, and have been helping other families since. In many instances, our support has prevented extremely difficult situations from spiralling towards crisis interventions. You can read

more on pages 8 and 9.Christmas probably seems a blur. Back when you were

preparing for the festive break we launched two campaigns, the first on childcare costs and the second to prevent our babies being taken ill. Because you were so busy, the response was low, but there is still time to take part. You can read more in our news section on page 4.

My thanks to all the people who contributed to our life-saving Beanstalk appeal and continue to undertake fundraising events to make this a reality. The research into producing twin pregnancy growth charts is now under way (see page 5 for more info).

Finally, would you like a nice break this year? Our annual raffle has a whole host of fabulous holidays and breaks - see page 16 for details! The odds on winning are fantastic (sadly, staff aren’t allowed to take part…) so why not give yourself a treat? Even if you don’t win, your support will help us with our life-saving, crisis-preventing, quality-of-life-improving work.

My thanks, as ever, for your help and support.

Keith Reed (keithreed@tamba.org.uk)

PS Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful mums!

Welcomeletter from the chief executive

Multiple matters

ESSEntiaL contactS: twinline and support groups co-ordinator: carol clay courses and support officer: Kate Valentine advertising and fundraising officer: Lucie Wigley Membership: Debbie Ross tamba in northern ireland: Rachel Wiffen 028 9023 9050 nioffice@tamba.org.uk tamba in Scotland: helen Peck 01786 465744 helenpeck@tamba.org.uk to advertise in the magazine ring 01483 304442 or email luciewigley@tamba.org.uktamba office: Lower Ground Floor Offices, hitherbury house, 97 Portsmouth Road, Guildford, Surrey GU2 4DL telephone: 01483 304442 Fax: 01483 570932 Email: enquiries@tamba.org.uk Website: www.tamba.org.uk. office Hours: Monday to Friday 9.30am to 4pm. twinline: telephone freephone helpline 0800 138 0509 (10am-1pm and 7pm-10pm seven days a week)Design by mdesign marieclaredesign@gmail.com

RegUlaRsNews ANd cAMpAiGNs Working for better finances and healthcare .................04four plus oNe single mum emma Campbell on taking time out ........12GoNe cluBBiNG The rescue of Telford Twins or More ............................14fuNdrAisiNG Win a holiday with Tamba’s raffle..................................16deAr Vikki… When one child is more challenging .............................18fioNA GiBsoN growing up, up and away .............................................24photo GAllerY Births, birthdays and multiple joys ................................28letters Wearing helmets and reading at dawn .........................30NoticeBoArd discounters, ads and more ...........................................31

FeaTUResheAds dowN One woman’s positive birth story .................................06rest for the weArY How to get babies to sleep ..........................................07helpiNG hANds AppeAl Tamba’s scheme to help families in crisis ......................08cleAN ANd drY Clare Rudland’s potty tribulations ................................10decodiNG ‘twiN tAlk When multiples speak a secret language ....................11Glorious food Cook up a nugget and make mealtimes fun ................13plAY tiMe Keep them happy whatever the weather .....................15fouNdAtioNs for Growth How to support your children’s individuality ................21trAVelliNG triplets Have multiples, will travel… ..........................................22uNtYiNG the kNot? How the twin bond affects a marriage .........................27

MULTIPLE MaTTERS - ISSN 2049-5765charity number 1076478, Scottish charity Number Sc041055, company number3688825. Ta

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05www.tamba.org.uk04 / SPRING 2014

news: campaigns

LatESt RoUnD-UP

our cAMpAiGNs – pleAse Act Now!

Join our campaigns on childcare costs and protecting vulnerable babies: just follow the online links to send a message to your MP

if you only ever take part in one tamba campaign, please make it this one. By sending a message to your Mp via http://www.tamba.org.uk/Get-involved/campaigns/finance, you can ask them to highlight the costs of childcare for multiple birth families.

the message quotes our 2013 research findings that childcare costs prevent many

mothers going back to work and tip families into poverty as a consequence. Mark williams Mp, who has twins, has asked for an urgent meeting to discuss our concerns and to raise a particular constituent’s case. the more Mps who raise this concern with the minister, the more likely it is that we will get a meeting, so please start emailing now!

tamba asks to meet minister over childcare costs

leAVe to differ

a grandparent of twins and former parliamentary secretary to Gordon Brown cited Tamba’s research during debates on the children and Families Bill 2013 and proposed amending it to increase support for our families.

Lord Touhig told peers: ‘Parents of multiple births … are far more likely to experience economic hardship in the first 18 months of their children’s lives than parents of a single child. a report published this year by Tamba, titled ‘Multiple Births Parents’ Experience of Maternity and Paternity Leave’, revealed that 61 percent of respondents did not have enough maternity and paternity pay to cover the cost of their leave. In order to get by, 32 percent stated that they put money on their credit card and they could not pay it off in full at the end of the month. More than half the respondents built up debt and a quarter built up debt of more than £2,000.’

Peers expressed concern that partners were often not allowed sufficient time off to attend antenatal appointments.

Whilst expressing sympathy, the minister did not agree to the amendments. Peers have followed up by writing to the minister to express further concerns.Read the debate at http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/ld201314/ldhansrd/text/131120-gc0001.htm

future perfectThanks to everyone who took part in our online survey about what issues we should focus on over the next three years.

The types of issues we are considering include working to improve multiple pregnancy outcomes (reducing stillbirths, neonatal deaths and premature births); supporting families who are bereaved, have a child with a special need, or a mother with postnatal depression; and how to avoid relationship or financial difficulties. We have also proposed supporting families through the different stages, from pregnancy through to secondary school.

Trustees who are elected or appointed by members are looking through the results to help them determine our future priorities.

the highly contagious virus rsV causes three out of four cases of bronchiolitis – a common lower respiratory tract infection which hospitalises 30,000 infants each year in england alone.

Babies with pre-existing conditions or those born prematurely (around half our families have premature babies) are at greater risk of illness, hospitalisation and in a small number of cases, death.

tamba has produced video clips to explain more about rsV and bronchiolitis - you can see them at http://www. tamba.org.uk/winter-illnesses. But much more can be done in the Nhs to protect our families from the illness, which is commonest between october and March. please follow a link on the webpage above to contact your Mp using the pre-written standard message, so you can support the campaign.

help keep our babies out of hospital

Peer presses for better maternity support

cliMBiNG the BeANstAlk

Thanks to the incredible support of hundreds of families we have raised over £20,000 towards the costs of creating the first ever twin pregnancy growth charts. Researchers at St George’s hospital in London have now started work.Families are still signing up for sponsored events and pledging support. Others have described how these charts

would have made a difference to them at https://www.tamba.org.uk/mystory. With your help, we

expect to reach our target of £25,000 to help with the production and dissemination of the

growth charts this summer.Make a donation at

www.tamba.org.uk/beanstalkdonations or text BEAN01 £5 to 70070

GiVeAwAYs SPRING REaDING

our two giveaways this spring are of a literary nature. first, for all those expectant (or undecided)

mums and dads we have ‘Best Baby Names for 2014’ by siobhan thomas. for those further down

the road we have three early reader books by francesca simon: ‘Mr p’s Naughty Book’, ‘café at the edge of the Moon’ and ‘horrid henry’s

sports day’. to win either of our giveaways, email your name, address and membership number to giveaways@tamba.org.uk by 28 March with

‘Giveaway Best Baby Names’ or ‘Giveaway early reader’ in the subject line. prizes to the first names

out of the hat after the deadline.

congratulations to our winter Giveaway winners claire cratchley (pixie keepsakes) and karyn Mégy (polarn o. pyret).

£20,000 to reduce premature births

Now You see theM

Live video technology enabling parents to see their poorly or premature babies even when they are away from hospital is being pioneered in Scotland.

The BabySam system, which allows parents to view live video of their newborns transmitted by cameras in the neonatal intensive care unit to a tablet computer, is due to be piloted at the Victoria hospital in Kirkcaldy.

One person who hopes the scheme takes off is Sally Davis, whose babies Samuel and Miles were born prematurely and spent three weeks in ScBU. Sally herself needed to stay on a ward for frequent observation while her boys were taken away. She told us:

Pilot video scheme helps parents with bonding in hospital

Sally Davis’s babies Samuel and Miles spent three weeks in SCBU: ‘I wish, wish, wish we’d had the technology being pioneered in Scotland’

£20,000

‘It was a truly unsettling experience, having just delivered two baby boys yet physically they were nowhere near me.’

Fortunately, Sally’s husband had the bright idea of making short films of the babies and bringing them to her. They were ‘an incredible lifeline in those early hours,’ she said. ‘They let me see that my babies were safe and alive. They also made me feel close to them.’

Leaving the boys behind in hospital once she was discharged was tough, said Sally.‘I wish, wish, wish that we had had the technology being pioneered in Scotland. What an enormous difference it would have made. We would still have spent every possible waking second with the boys, but the peace of mind when we did have to leave them would have been invaluable.’

seekiNG BABies for sleep filM

tamba is making a new film

on co-bedding multiples with

professor helen Ball from the

durham university sleep lab.

do you have multiples under three

months old and live in the durham

area? if so, and you would like to

take part in the filming, please

contact katevalentine@tamba.org.

uk. filming is due to take place

on 25 March.

www.tamba.org.uk 07

baby: routines

06 / SPRING 2014

pregnancy: birth

Then, at the final scan, both babies had turned. The boy, originally Twin 1, was now lying in the transverse position (sideways). The girl, who had always been known as Twin 2, had spun 180 degrees and was head down and now the lead twin.

I got all excited thinking I could go for a natural birth and looked forward to my next appointment. The day arrived and I saw a registrar, the consultant being away. To my dismay, she said she could only go by what was written on my rather sketchy notes. She promptly booked me for a c-section.

The problem was that the scans were held in the hospital in the next town and my midwife and consultant appointments were at the birthing centre near my home. The centre only had a sheet of brief notes to go on, with very few details from the sonographer about the twins’ positioning. It seemed amazing that in this age of technology the centre could not see the scan images from the main hospital.

Everything went well with my pregnancy. the babies grew well and apart from the nausea right up until delivery, i didn’t suffer too badly.

But I was terrified the babies would come too early, or I’d have to go on bed rest, or something would go wrong at delivery. I would have been happy to have a natural delivery if we could guarantee both babies coming without any trouble. What I was scared of was the first baby being delivered fine but the second baby getting stuck, and having to then recover from going through labour and one delivery as well as a c-section.

It seemed best to let fate take its course and see what position the babies were lying in towards the end of the pregnancy. When both babies were in the breech position, and looking unlikely to turn, I prepared myself mentally for a c-section. I was disappointed not to have a natural birth, but relieved both babies would be delivered safely.

help and infoPrEGNANCy & BIrTH

• read more about what antenatal care you should have on our website

at www.tamba.org.uk, where you can download our healthy Multiple

pregnancy Guide as well as free guides on practical preparing for parenthood; Breastfeeding; Neonatal care; twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome; and

postnatal depression.

• watch our experts answer your fAQs in online videos at

www.tamba.org.uk

• Book a place on tamba’s Antenatal courses for parents expecting twins

or more or our practical preparing for parenthood workshop via the website

or by ringing 01483 304442

• expectant parents are welcome at twins clubs. find your nearest one via the clubs section of our website, or join the tamba members-only online messageboard to share experiences

with other expectant parents

• ring twinline, tamba’s freephone listening service, to share your concerns

on 0800 138 0509, open 10am-1pm and 7pm-10pm daily. All twinline

volunteers are parents of multiples

Jackie fecitt thought she could avoid a c-section when her babies turned at the last minute…

It so happened that I’d started going to a twins club while I was pregnant. another mum there was a midwife and had had her twins in a similar position and delivered naturally. after talking to her I decided I needed a second opinion and got another appointment, this time with the consultant, who agreed to get confirmation from the hospital that the lead twin was indeed head down. Suddenly the day that had been booked for my c-section became the date of my induction.

I gave birth as planned at 38+1 weeks. The labour was fine and my twins were safely delivered, Emma at 6.54am weighing 4lb 12oz, and Zac, delivered in the breech position, shortly after at 7.05am weighing 5lb 10oz. Both were healthy. I can honestly say that delivering Zac in the breech position didn’t hurt any more than Emma, who came head first!

We had three lovely days in hospital with fantastic midwives giving support with breastfeeding. My babies are now so much fun, smiling, laughing and learning to hold toys. But I am very glad I was able to challenge the decision and go back for a second opinion.

tried and testedTAMBA TIPs

• if one parent looks after the babies and the other goes out to work, you are both working. Neither parent should be expected to deal with the nights alone. share the burden as much as possible.

• if breastfeeding, have the cot next to your bed so you don’t have to get up

to feed.

• if bottle feeding, you and your partner could do alternate nights, or take shifts,

so one person cares for the babies 7pm till 1am, the other from 1am till 7am.

• Arrange as much help as possible.

• if the babies sleep during the day, turn the phone off and go to bed.

• encourage the babies to sleep at the same time so you have a break.

• evenings are precious for time as a couple but go to bed early (at least sometimes).

Heads dOWn

Getting just one baby to sleep can be a challenge. When there is more than one, babies can take turns crying and playing all night long. this quickly exhausts parents.

Establishing a routine that works for you can really help. a baby’s sleeping habits only become settled and predictable if he or she is put to bed in the same way every night. Discuss and plan with your partner or other helpers a

Rest for the wearyset routine for your babies’ bedtime.

During the first six months, experiment with sleeping arrangements to see which one suits your babies best, such as sleeping together or in separate cots. Synchronise night feeds so your babies feed at the same time, even if that means waking one or all of them up. Establish a set napping routine during the day, and put your babies to bed at the same time every night. Lead up to bedtime with a

Your babies need sleep just as much as you do - honest. here’s how to make sure everyone gets as much as possible

help and infosLEEPING BABIEs

• read about sleep habits in young babies and children on our website

at www.tamba.org.uk, where you can also find out about early development,

routines, bonding and common concerns

• download tamba’s booklet ‘practical preparing for parenthood’, as well as our free guides ‘Breastfeeding More than one’ and ‘postnatal depression:

A Guide for Mothers of Multiples’

• View our ‘parenting with Multiples in Mind’ dVd or watch a video of our consultants discussing your questions

online at www.tamba.org.uk

• Get support, ask questions or share equipment and tips with other parents via tamba’s members-only

messageboard at www.tamba.org.uk

• ring twinline, tamba’s freephone listening service, to talk over any concerns on 0800 138 0509, open

10am to 1pm and 7pm to 10pm daily

relaxation routine. including such things as warm baths, massage or soft music.

Babies who were born prematurely will be influenced by what they experienced in hospital. Some hospitals put multiples together when they are born; other units put them in separate cots. Research from the University of Durham into sleeping patterns of twins showed that co-bedding was no riskier than separate sleeping arrangements for young twins. Newborns can sleep side by side and the same guidelines for avoiding cot death apply: the babies should be placed in the ‘feet to foot’ position in the cot, ideally sharing the parents’ room for the first six months. however, babies should only sleep side-by-side until they start rolling over or moving, when they should be moved to either end of the cot. It is best not to co-bed twins in a moses basket in case they overheat.

Slightly older babies will be able to learn the difference between night and day. a regular relaxation and bedtime routine is just as important for older babies as it was when they were younger. From six months on, try putting them to bed quickly, saying goodnight and not lingering to talk or cuddle. Separate them if one baby is constantly waking up the other(s). Don’t take a crying baby back to bed with you, or they will learn to cry for the extra attention.

08 / SPRING 2014

appeal: supporting families

Tamba is taking its support for multiple birth families a step further by providing free, practical, qualified help in the home for those in crisis.

We already provide support to families through our information booklets, website, antenatal and parenting classes, the freephone helpline Twinline, specialist groups such as our bereavement support group and via our honorary consultants. But for the past year we have been extending our support services in a few cases where there is a powerful need. Trial placements have helped families coping with severe medical complications, postnatal depression, serious

behavioural problems and where a parent has died.

We partnered with the norland agency to provide practical help in the home for the very first time early in 2012, when a family of newborn triplets were left without a mother after she died when they were eight days old. The children’s father, paul Mason, faced bringing them up alone, without family members nearby to help.

Tamba ran an emergency appeal to fund help at home for paul during the first twelve months, and the norland agency provided qualified norland maternity nurses and nannies for the first couple

Tamba also helped single parent issy during Christmas 2012 when she developed postnatal depression six months after giving birth to her twins and required urgent hospital treatment on a mother and baby unit, during which time her home was repossessed.

issy was rehoused and Tamba, with the support of voluntary norland nannies, was able to provide help in the home when issy was discharged from hospital. The nannies gave practical support with routines, feeding and sleeping, to get issy into a position where she

Tamba members donated thousands to help Paul Mason after his wife died

within days of giving birth to their triplets Mattias, Sarah and Lukas

Helping Hands appealIt’s two years since Tamba helped a bereaved triplet dad by funding practical help in the home. Now, our Helping Hands scheme is supporting more multiple birth families in crisis of months for free. This enabled

paul to get the triplets into a good feeding and sleeping routine. The children are now almost two and doing well, and paul is back at work and moving forward with his life.

Sarah’s story Your help is urGeNtlY needed

Although Norland Nannies provide their services free of charge there are still direct expenses to be paid, such as training, accommodation, travel

and meals.

£5 will provide one hour of support to a family in need

£10 will provide two hours of support to a family in need

£60 will provide one day of support to a family in need

£92 will train a nanny to be able to offer specialist

multiples support

£120 will provide 24 hours of support to a family in need

When families come to us in dire circumstances we need to be able to react immediately. For some of them there might not be a tomorrow, so

we need funding today.

please help families when they are at their most desperate by making a donation now at www.tamba.org.uk/helpinghandsdonations. Alternatively,

send a cheque (payable to tamba), with ‘helping hands’ written on the back

using the freepost envelope provided.

the more donations we receive, the more families we can help. Your

donation, however big or small, will help a multiple birth family through their darkest days to reach the light at the

end of the tunnel.

if you would like to fundraise for this appeal please contact shelley smith or lucie wigley on 01483 304442 or email luciewigley@tamba.org.uk - we would love to hear what you have planned!

children enjoying themselves and that i needed to give them a little bit of slack instead of stressing myself out all the time with the things they aren’t allowed to do. she showed me how to enjoy my children again and not get overwhelmed

‘life is still hectic and hard work and it still also worries me to death that if something happens – being burgled or a house fire – it is totally down to me to sort it out and save all five of us. But the difference is, i am now more able to cope with the huge demands of everyday life with triplets and the pressures of having this massive responsibility.

‘Anyone can find themselves in a crisis at some point. it could be financial, a bereavement, a marriage breakdown or a deterioration in health. it is always unexpected and sometimes it creeps up on you without you realising it and other times it hits you suddenly like a high speed train. it crept up on me and when you are in a dark place it is difficult to see the light. helping hands helped me to see the end of a very dark tunnel and i hope, with your support, tamba will be able to help many other families who find themselves in crisis and are unable to cope.’

families need to have multiples, be unable to afford to pay for help themselves and be in serious

need of assistance. they must have sought help from friends, neighbours or other external agencies and

they will need to receive support for their application from a health professional. situations are looked at on

a case-by-case basis and, although tamba will try and provide help to families most at need, no

guarantees of support can be provided.

if you would like to apply please contact staceywills@tamba.org.uk or download

our helping hands information form from the website at

www.tamba.org.uk.

who is eligible?

www.tamba.org.uk 09

Lone parent Sarah reached crisis point caring for her triplets and older son

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More recently, sarah received support and here she explains what difference it made.

‘Before patsi, my Norland Nanny, came to help me out i was at a real crisis point. As a lone parent, i was struggling to cope with my energetic two-year-old triplets and my six-year-old son whist juggling my part-time job as a midwife.

‘After a year of struggling, everything seemed to get on top of me and it was all too much. i couldn’t cope and i got to a point that i didn’t want to carry on with it all any more. the boys didn’t understand that the mischief they would get up to costs me a fortune but i didn’t have the time or motivation to try and change any of it, and it drove me down into the ground.

‘luckily my eldest son’s school recognised that i was struggling to cope, completely overwhelmed by my situation, and i was withdrawn and utterly desperate. the head helped me find sources of support and pointed me towards tamba.

‘tamba matched me with patsi, who volunteered her time and the benefit of her 30 years’ experience over three intensive days, helping me to cope with bath and bed time and going out and about.

‘it was only short term but it was enough to take this huge pressure off me and make me realise how lucky i was to have the boys and that they needed me. patsi gave me confidence, and supported me to believe that they are just normal

felt more able to cope.in both cases, help was only

possible thanks to the generosity of Tamba members like you.

since then, we have received £10,000 funding from awards for all england and £5,000 from awards for all Wales. However, the funding is coming to an end. now Tamba needs to raise more money to help other parents of multiples who find themselves in crisis.

10 / SPRING 2014 11www.tamba.org.uk

preschool: developmentpreschool: potty training

Between april and august last year i changed jobs, moved house and, most significantly of all, accomplished potty training.

My twins were two years and eight months old. We’d had potties around the house for quite a while and both children were happy to sit on them from time to time (son: wees and poos, daughter: nothing, ever).

They were in the garden in the summer, naked, and my son happily used the potty without being prompted, so we thought the time was about right. The plan was to try it with him and see if my daughter showed an interest.

With everything that’s written about potty training I thought there would be more science to it, but in actual fact all you do is pick a day, take their nappy off and see what happens.

What happened was that my daughter, who had never even sat on a potty for more than three seconds, decided that she wanted in on the action and both used their potties fairly well. You could have knocked me down with a feather when she produced a massive poo on the first try. What a lovely family moment!

The next day we decided to go out. Now, I thought that during the dreaded

DuCk AND COvEr ‘training week’ we would be confined to the house (Gina Ford even recommends staying in the kitchen for the first two days), but we decided to be reckless. We took a potty with us and kept asking them if they wanted to do a wee. at this point I really appreciated our large family car (my son decided the car park wasn’t providing enough privacy, so he and my husband both climbed into the boot!). all was fine until my daughter did a massive wee in Next. I whipped her into a nearby changing room, captured the remaining drips, changed her clothes, apologised to the shop assistant and legged it. Sorted.

Then came lunch. To be honest we were feeling quite smug… until my daughter looked up at me with sheer panic in her eyes and uttered the immortal words, ‘poo coming’. I knew

Dine out while potty training? No bother, says clare rudland

clean and dryTOP TIPs

• wait until the child shows signs of readiness.

• have at least one potty per child and keep them handy, upstairs and down.

• if it’s warm, spend time in the garden.

• weeing down gutters is absolutely fine (for children)

• what works for one child may not work for another. try different

approaches and be patient.

• praise success. don’t react negatively if one child doesn’t get it - find

something else to praise in them.

• if things go badly, try again in a couple of months.

help and infoPOTTy TrAINING

• download tamba’s factsheet ‘potty training with Multiple success’ from our website at www.tamba.org.uk

• Get support, ask other parents your questions and share tips via the members-only messageboard on our

website

• watch our ‘parenting with Multiples in Mind’ dVd online or sign up for

tamba’s one-day parenting workshop for those with children aged 1-5 via the

website or by ringing 01483 304442

• ring twinline, tamba’s freephone listening service, to talk over any concerns on 0800 138 0509, open

10am to 1pm and 7pm to 10pm daily

that I didn’t have time to get her to the toilet, so I sprang into action, dived under the table and sat her on the potty - where she produced the most foul-smelling, grown-man-sized poo I have ever seen.

The problem now was I had a full potty and I was crouched under a table in a restaurant. What to do? I settled on grabbing a large number of tissues and scooping the potty contents into a nappy bag, before giving the potty an anti-bacterial wipe and emerging from under the table as if nothing was amiss. Thank goodness we had paid the bill, so we swept out of there, leaving behind a waft of sewerage treatment works. Ta dah!

as many as 40 percent of young multiples are thought to use ‘twin talk’ to communicate with each other - a seemingly fluent, mutually understood private language.

Usually this arises from a normal development phase whereby multiples interpret each other’s immature, unclear, or imperfect speech. Research by Professor Karen Thorpe of Queensland School of Technology found that

youngsters tend to model their co-multiples’ speech back to each other, reinforcing mistakes. Multiples also tend to talk quickly, loudly and in short sentences to increase their chances of being heard. One result of speaking quickly is that words are shortened (‘sister’ becomes ‘ter’) or mispronounced. Within the family, these versions of words may be fully understood. If the children use many of them, it can sound like a private language.

Such verbal shorthands, made-up words and phrases usually fade as toddlerhood progresses and the children master ordinary English. It is only in unusual circumstances (such as isolation) that multiples continue to use a private language exclusively. Twins, triplets and more, like any other children, want to communicate with their parents and others and strive to use their language provided they have the opportunity.

What effect does all this have on the children’s language development? Prof Thorpe says there is nothing to worry about where children are playing with language together, understand each other well, and talk to people other than their co-multiples in a way consistent with developmental norms. Spending time with adults and other children will help them to develop normal language.

For similar reasons, language delay is more common among multiples. They

decoding ‘twin talk’are more likely to experience the factors that predispose all children to language delay, such as prematurity or having a large family. Twins and triplets can be older when they start to speak, and use simpler, shorter sentences. Being a twin or triplet can mean that children spend more time with their multiple siblings, so they have a regular input of immature speech sounds. They will probably get less individual attention

than singletons, for shorter periods. Parents often talk to one child while looking at another. Sometimes one child assumes responsibility for replying on behalf of the others. all these play a role in delaying speech.

There is no need for concern so long as the children have plenty of opportunities to express themselves. Parents can help by talking to each child alone every day, concentrating

What’s going on when multiples speak a private language?

were feeling quite smug… until my daughter looked up at me with sheer panic in her eyes and uttered the immortal words, ‘poo coming’. I knew that I didn’t have time to get her to the toilet, so I sprang into action, dived under the table and sat her on the potty - where she produced the most foul-

help and infosPEECH AND LANGuAGE

• talk to a health visitor, Gp or speech and language therapist if you think

your child might not be hearing properly; is uninterested in people

or toys; does not use single words by two, sentences by two-and-a-half, or

intelligible speech by three

• contact tamba on 01483 304442 for a referral to our honorary consultants

for speech and language.

• our expert answers your fAQs about speech and language on tamba’s

website (www.tamba.org.uk)

• ring twinline, tamba’s freephone listening service, to talk over concerns on 0800 138 0509, daily 10am to 1pm

and 7pm to 10pm

on one child at a time and maintaining eye contact. Turn everything off (TV, radio etc) for at least 30 minutes a day, and look at books with the children individually. Repeat back what your child has said in the correct form, and encourage older siblings, friends and family to talk to the children individually.

Try not to let one child speak for the other(s); encourage each to voice opinions. Play games which encourage listening and attention, and promote imaginative play. help others to tell your children apart so they can develop individual friendships easily.

These verbal shorthands, made-up words and phrases usually fade as toddlerhood progresses

12 / SPRING 2014 13www.tamba.org.uk

Recipe:

healthy chicken NuggetsFrOM THE NOrLAND COLLEGE COOkBOOk

(serves 2)

• ½ tbsp olive oil• ½ small onion, finely chopped • 25g (1oz) grated carrot• ½ Granny smith apple, peeled and grated • 1 skinless chicken breast, cut into chunks • ½ tbsp fresh parsley, chopped • ½ tsp dried thyme • 25g (1oz) fresh wholemeal breadcrumbs• ½ chicken stock cube, crumbled • flour for coating• Vegetable oil for frying • salt and pepper

Heat olive oil in a pan and sauté half the onion and grated carrot for three minutes, stirring occasionally.

using your hands, squeeze out excess liquid from the apple.

In a food processor, whiz grated apple, chicken, sautéed onion and carrot, raw onion, parsley and thyme, breadcrumbs and stock cube for a few seconds

Form the mixture into 10 walnut sized balls, roll in flour and fry in 1cm (1/2 inch) oil for five minutes until lightly golden brown and cooked through.

column: four plus one preschool: mealtimes

i’ve had a couple of weekends away over the past few months. Without the children. Just me. alone. i know!

On both occasions it felt less like a mini holiday and more like respite care - not a treat so much as a if-I-don’t-get-a-decent-night’s-sleep-soon-I’m-going-to-collapse type thing.

It’s a shame I feel the need to justify occasionally leaving the children, even for forty-eight hours. Somehow, tying in exhaustion with a visit to my best friend up north makes the whole thing feel less… indulgent. after all, I’m a single mum working part-time without anything resembling a disposable income, and yet here I am finding the funds to pay for two days of round-the-clock childcare. how very dare I!

No one else is judging me, at least I don’t think they are. But I judge me. Not a lot, but enough. Not for the actual amount of time I spend apart from them, but more that sometimes my need to escape feels uncomfortably huge.

But there’s no denying it. The intensity of life with multiples has to be experienced to be believed. how do we not lose ourselves, when every waking moment is spent satisfying the needs of not one but two, three or four little people all at the same time?

Sometimes, just for fun, I try to count the number of times they call for me during the course of a day, or even just before breakfast.

‘Mummy.’

‘Mummy!’

‘MUMMY!!’

I don’t get very far.

It’s not just the physical aspects of parenting that wear me down. It’s the pressure I put on myself to be the best

GREaT EScaPE

Single mum emma campbell on love, absence and long weekends

glorious food

can mealtimes really be fun? Yes indeed, but it is well known that they can also be stressful and frustrating with little ones.

Young children have very little control over what they do and when. as adults, we have a lot of the control over things like what time they go to bed, where they go, when and what they eat. There can be times when children like to regain this control, and most commonly this is done with food. This can take several different forms, such as refusing to eat, only eating foods which are a certain colour, or refusing certain textures or flavours.

It is important as adults that we think about how we change our eating habits week to week – there are times when we ‘fancy’ something one week and then don’t want it the next. children are no different.

Mealtimes are a process, something that has to be done three times a day, and this can be even more the case when you have two, three or more children’s mouths to feed. however, sometimes we need to step back and think about the mealtime experience for the children. are they involved? Do they have some choice? Is it a sociable, enjoyable time where the focus is on talking and interacting rather than watching and overseeing what has or hasn’t been eaten? how would we feel if this was our experience?

By looking at these different areas, you can highlight what

Involving children in the preparation of their meals helps get them on side

were feeling quite smug… until my daughter looked up at me with sheer panic in her eyes and uttered the immortal words, ‘poo coming’. I knew that I didn’t have time to get her to the toilet, so I sprang into action, dived under the table and sat her on the potty - where she produced the most foul-

help and infoTrIPLETs AND MOrE

have become ‘that’ mum. You know - the shouty, stressed-looking one. The one who doesn’t seem to have much sense of humour and has forgotten how incredible her family is.

and so, it is for all our sakes that, when I can cobble together the cash, I have a night or two away. For me there are the obvious benefits of sleep, a break from domestic routine, perspective and, er, sleep.

It’s good for Ella, Louis and Theo, too. They get to spend a couple of days with someone who isn’t chronically exhausted and has the enthusiasm to get the puzzles out, make a den in the living room and play hide and seek for the millionth time.

It’s a break from routine that allows us all time to miss each other and feel the love. Because, despite how it can seem, there is so much love and we really are a happy little unit. My trio and their big brother know it and don’t seem to need reminding. It’s just me who occasionally forgets.Follow Emma on twitter @emplus4

• tamba’s triplet Buddy scheme puts triplet parents in touch with one another.

to meet another family or become a buddy, email nikkikenyon@tamba.org.uk

• Visit www.tamba.org.uk to read our factsheet ‘parenting triplets or More – the toddler Years’, or download our booklet ‘Good enough parenting with

Multiples in Mind’

• sue plenty (tenswim6@aol.com)

coordinates tamba’s triplets group and can chat to new or expectant parents as well as those whose children are older.

Visit our triplets plus facebook page and the triplets forum on our members-only

messageboard at www.tamba.org.uk

• ring twinline, tamba’s freephone listening service, to discuss any concerns on 0800 138 0509, open 10am to 1pm

and 7pm to 10pm daily

mum I can. The sense of failure when yet another weekend draws to a close and I’m on my knees with fatigue having shouted myself hoarse.

and the guilt is huge. It’s not their fault that I’m outnumbered. They’re just being themselves - siblings, four-year-olds… triplets. how can I possibly understand what it’s like to wake up every morning in the same room as your two best friends, ready for another jam-packed day of mischief? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous.

I’m not in their gang and that’s as it should be, but permanently playing bad cop gets depressing. I seem to

might be affecting your mealtimes and how you can change this.a great idea for toddlers and older children is to encourage

them to ‘self-serve’, which is when you put bowls of the food on the table and they serve themselves. Lots of adults worry about this as they think the children will take all of what they like and leave the foods they don’t, but this is when the adult needs to step in and encourage them to have a little of that food on their plate to try. another misconception is that the children will overload or have very little on their plate; this may happen on the first couple of days, but the children will learn from this and begin to regulate their portion sizes.

children love to have independence and by giving them ownership of their food, you will find that they will be much more relaxed during the mealtime.

Involving children in the preparation and making of their meals also helps. This can be from helping to prepare the chicken nuggets (recipe included) or from buttering the bread (using children’s cutlery) and making their own sandwich for tea. If children are given the opportunity to make things for themselves, this is also contributing to so many other areas of their development – cutting sandwiches and talking about the shapes, textures and sizes, and weighing ingredients.

It may be preferable to avoid doing things which take time or create mess, but in the long run it will help to make mealtimes enjoyable and encourage children to make healthy, informed choices that stay with them for life.

Emma’s brood are triplets Ella, Louis and Theo and big brother Jack

claire Burgess, early years consultant at Norland college, on how to make mealtimes less stress and more fun

14 / SPRING 2014 15www.tamba.org.uk

preschool: social

dad’s cornerDAvID BOOTLE’s sPOrTING LIFE

short of hibernating when the weather is awful, we try to entertain

our twins and their big sister with a mix of walks in slushy or muddy

countryside, sports clubs and rough and tumble indoors. the latter is the cheapest option, but dangerous as my daughter somersaults around,

practising her gymnastics.

what with football for toby, tennis for John and gymnastics, all on saturday mornings, we barely cope. then, one fateful morning toby broke his wrist. i was curious to see if John, back at home, had picked up on events via twin telepathy. so after i returned with toby (fearing the worst – he

didn’t want sweets!) i asked my wife if John had suddenly screamed aloud at

the moment of impact?

‘No,’ said the wife. ‘he was happily watching tV.’

David, Toby and John burn off some energy during a Quayside wander in Newcastle and Gateshead

preschool: learning

dressing-up boxForget expensive outfits from toy shops, fill it with pieces of material, old shoes and hats, and ask friends or relatives for cast-off clothes. Unlike carefully designed shop-bought products, these can become anything the children want - a bit of fabric is a curtain, a wizard’s cloak, a bed or an outfit for a ghost.

densa playhouse can be rigged up more of less anywhere and does not require huge input from you - a blanket over a table will do it. The children can make the inside as elaborate as they like, with cushion beds for every toy.

Make bread Pick a really easy recipe and make sure each child has their own bowl. You don’t need much more than strong flour, dried yeast, salt, warm water and some bashing. Don’t worry about the results - they will get huge satisfaction just from getting their hands mucky and having something warm and yeasty to spread with butter and jam at the end.

drawing shelfThis may seem obvious, but it’s worth pointing out that recording experiences

Spring can be tricky: sunshine and showers outside the front door, storms brewing within.

here are a few ideas that might help keep the peace while stimulating your children and giving them opportunities to experiment and learn. Most require some prep, but that may be preferable - and less tiring - than an afternoon of (unpaid) conflict resolution.

collageYounger children love sticking cut-out shapes and pictures torn from magazines pretty much at random on bits of paper. PVa school glue is best, with stiff card to spread it and a damp wiper handy. With slightly older children, try drawing the outline of a house, say, or a park with trees or a street on a large piece of paper, and let the kids cut and tear pictures from magazines to stick on. sortingStrange but true, small children past the age of mouthing things love sorting small objects. Buttons work well: keep a big box and get them to sort by size, shape, number of holes or colour. Shells, leaves, pulses work too. This is a good activity for absorbing them when you need peace.

and feelings in paintings or drawings is one of the few really private play activities available to twins or more. So keep a stack of paper and a box of pens/pencils/crayons/pastels handy on a table or shelf where the children can get it without asking you every time.

out and aboutSeize even a half-hour’s sunshine to go out. This helps with new ideas and words and can relieve tension out of all proportion to the amount of time actually spent outdoors. Pick somewhere safe and manageable and make it a regular destination - like a park (a kiddies’ fenced-off area eases safety worries), or a city farm, or somewhere they can see trains, buses or boats from. Try taking a single buggy and have the children take turns to walk and ride, swapping at pre-agreed points. Talk about everything you see and ask tons of questions (how many pigeons? how many things with wheels are there?).

Painting or drawing is one of the few really private play activities available to twins or more

gOne ClUBBing

it’s a question most voluntary groups face at some point: what to do when the hardworking folk who run things leave for pastures new and there is no one to take over?

This was the situation facing the Telford Twins or More Group last summer when the parents then in charge prepared to go back to work as their children reached school age. For the club, with no obvious successor, it looked like the end of the road - a real shame after serving multiple birth families in the area for 12 years.

happily, though, someone with just the right skills set happened to be a former group member. Twin mum Sarah Thompson is also owner of a communications agency, STc-PR.

‘I know how important having a twins club in the area is,’ said Sarah. ‘I benefited greatly from visiting even before my twins were born - the help and advice from other twin mums was invaluable.’

Sarah put together a press campaign that not only brought in new families, but enticed new helpers to keep the show on the road. Telford Twins or More was thus able to celebrate the new year with its future secured, thanks mainly to twin mums Trish Worrall and catherine harmer, both from Telford, who have now volunteered their help, time and

The departure of volunteers from a twins club can sometimes leave the group floundering. What to do?

Pooh Day, planned to take place in the anniversary week of a.a. Milne’s birth, in January 1882. Kids from across Telford created pictures of Winnie-the-Pooh, tucked in to honey sandwiches and enjoyed one of his famous stories, written in 1926.

More fun is planned, with events and activities to mark National Insects Week, National Picnic Week, child Safety Week, Sun awareness Week, National Play Day, children’s art Day, Bear Necessities Month, National Twins & Multiples Week and even humphrey’s Pyjama Week, when the under 5s can come along in their favourite pyjamas.

But the group is now also running a campaign to promote itself via GPs’ surgeries, health centres and maternity units, with the aim of offering help and support to prospective parents - and keeping Telford Twins or More alive for the next generation.

Bear cheek (top): junior members Jack and Francesca Tidmarsh show off their Winnie-the-Pooh outfits Full house (above): twenty-five families enjoyed Telford’s Christmas party after the threat of closure was beaten off

Club sandwich: twin mums Trish Worrall, Louise Bradley and Catherine Harmer

shop assistant and legged it. Sorted.Then came lunch. To be honest we

were feeling quite smug… until my daughter looked up at me with sheer panic in her eyes and uttered the immortal words, ‘poo coming’. I knew that I didn’t have time to get her to the toilet, so I sprang into action, dived

help and infoPrEsCHOOLErs

• find your nearest twins club under ‘clubs’ on our website at www.tamba.

org.uk, or download tamba’s guide ‘twins, triplets and More

(Years 2, 3, and 4)’

• watch our ‘parenting with Multiples in Mind’ dVd online or sign up for

tamba’s one-day parenting workshop for those with children aged 1-5 via the

website or by ringing 01483 304442

• ring twinline, tamba’s freephone listening service, on 0800 138 0509,

10am-1pm & 7pm-10pm daily

expertise to fellow families of multiples.Trish and catherine teamed up with

the group’s senior organiser, Louise Bradley, to help out at the weekly club, which is organised by parents of twins for families of multiples from across the Telford area.

‘I am so pleased we now have more volunteer helpers,’ said Louise. ‘Their experience of bringing up their own twins will be invaluable to group members. We can plan more weekly activities, regular events and increase our membership now we have extra pairs of hands on board.’

She added: ‘The club is so important that one mum told us recently that if it hadn’t been for our meetings then she would never have left the house.’

The group’s first meeting of 2014 was all the more special for being a celebration of National Winnie-the-

telford

twiNs or More

offers support, information

and advice to parents and

prospective parents of multiples,

with weekly play sessions for

children. come along to the hadley

learning community on tuesdays,

10am-11.30am. details on

the telford twins or More

facebook page.

play timeWhat to do with the kids when it’s cold out and noisy in?

feature: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxfundraising: raffle

it’s that time again! tamba’s raffle this year features weekend breaks in the countryside and family holidays in europe, as well as hampers full of goodies, vouchers for our busy families, free shoes and even some Micro scooters!

to be in with a chance of winning one of these treats all you have to do is buy a ticket - only £1 each. And why not sell some to friends? All the money raised goes towards funding tamba’s work supporting multiple birth families..

first prize: Our first prize is a short break of three or four nights in a luxury two-bedroom cottage (excluding school holidays) in the Valley cottages’ picturesque gated hamlet near Falmouth and Truro, south- west cornwall. Valley’s self-catering cottages have access to heated indoor and outdoor swimming pools, tennis and squash courts, a fitness suite, games rooms, an adventure play area, woodland walks and a restaurant. The cottage comes equipped with baby and toddler equipment, from highchairs to baby baths, plus an extensive toy library.

second prize: Next up is a foreign adventure courtesy of Eurocamp, which is offering our winners a seven-night holiday for two adults and four kids (or four

adults) at any of its holiday parks across Europe. Get planning now - holidays can be taken in May, June or September of 2015 in a standard mobile home or tent.

third prize: also on offer is a relaxing, child-friendly stay at an eighteenth century cottage set in the tranquil countryside of North cornwall. Glynn Barton cottages, near cardinham, is offering our winners a long weekend (three nights) in November in its five-star, two-bed Granary cottage.

fourth prize: Explore the picturesque Vendee on the French atlantic coast courtesy of holiday operator VLV. Our winner gets one week at the four-star Zagarella campsite in St Jean de Monts – just 200m from the beach. Baby equipment can be provided by the English owner, who also has twins.

fifth prize: haven holidays is offering a family holiday at one of its award-winning UK family holiday parks, with activities, kids’ clubs and entertainment at no extra cost.

runners-up: how about choosing your own venue for a jaunt? among our runner-up prizes, Mark Warner is offering vouchers worth £150 towards the cost of an away break, valid for two years. holiday company al Fresco is also offering a £150 voucher towards the cost of any seven-night (or more) al Fresco holiday in 2014.

We’ve a host of prizes, too, for those who like their treats closer to home. Venture Photography is offering a family photography experience voucher, while JoJo Maman Bebe is offering £150 in gift vouchers.

Nelsons has kindly offered our members a hamper containing goodies worth over £150, while Weybury hildreth is offering a pair of matching pop-up travel Bubble cots.

clarks has offered to give one winning family two sets of shoes for each child, while Mothercare has pitched in with £100 of gift vouchers. You could also win a Micro Scooter for each of your multiples.

For those who love a bit of pampering, Weleda is offering a calendula Babycare Starter Kit with a selection of mini travel-sized baby essentials. The zipped pouch is transparent so you can see at a glance where all those baby essentials are stored, including Weleda’s calendula nappy change cream. Meanwhile Green People is offering a hamper full of newborn gifts. also on offer are several avent electronic breastfeeding pumps.

as ever, we’re grateful to the brilliant corporate supporters who are donating prizes to our

winning families. We hope you’ll enjoy being in the running – and

remember that each time you buy a ticket or sell one to

a friend, it helps to fund Tamba’s work.

A holidAY!WinBuy a ticket in Tamba’s grand Raffle 2014 and you could win yourself and your family a free holiday or one of our many pampering treats

16 / SPRING 2014

Gly

nn B

arto

n c

otta

ges

Valley cottages

Glynn Barton cottages

please help us by selling as many raffle tickets as you can. Just

complete the stubs with full contact details and return with

monies to the tamba office using the freepost envelope provided. More tickets are available from

enquiries@tamba.org.uk. tickets can also be bought over the phone on 01483 304442 or online. raffle to be drawn

on 30 June 2014.

Promoter: Mr Keith Reed, Tamba, hitherbury house, 97 Portsmouth Road, Guildford, GU2 4DL, under license no. SL152 from Guildford Borough council. To take part you must be 16 or over and resident in Great Britain.

18 / SPRING 2014

advice: solving problems

Dear Vikki,one of my 9-year-old twin daughters is far more challenging than the other and it feels like i am always locking horns with her. i am finding it hard to manage her behaviour, meanwhile her sister is so easy to get along with. Arthur McDowell

have a think about how you interact with your more challenging twin. Do you find her personality quite different from your own, or very similar?

Difficult relationships can develop because a need is being missed or there is a difference in communication style. Do you listen to her fully and show her playfulness, acceptance, curiousity, love and empathy in your responses? Do you think she might need these difficult interactions as a way of securing attention? In challenging times, do you remain calm or get angry and flustered? If you can remain calm, she will come to your level.

I would suggest finding individual time with her to explore what could be going on and see if you can come to resolutions on how to move forward. It may be that she needs to ‘check-in’ once a day (maybe for 10 minutes after school) when her twin is not around so she can tell you what is going on for her.

a key question to ask yourself is, ‘What is she frightened of?’. Defiance is usually rooted in fear. Is she frightened of being the ‘invisible twin’? Or is the fear on your side - about what it means for you as she progresses into middle childhood, further from your control?

Make a commitment to spend quality time with her. Unconsciously reducing time spent with her will make her more anxious and fearful. Time together will remind you of the things you really like about her, which will help your relationship.

Try not to make comparisons - that one twin is easier to get on with. Multiples are particularly sensitive to comparison as they have always had

Dear Vikki...Psychologist, twin mum and Tamba consultant Vikki cohen on tantrums, moving toddlers into beds, and what to do when you find one child more challenging…

to share your attention. comparisons can set up one to feel less special and impact on self-esteem, making them more defiant and oppositional.

Dear Vikki,i have boy-girl twins. My daughter started tantrums before she even turned two, but her brother seems quite docile. is there a reason, and should i be worried? what is the best way to handle tantrums? Theone Bray-Collins

It is a well-known dynamic that twins are more different when raised together than when raised apart. The idea around this is that, when growing up together, they need to develop different personalities to secure their piece of love and attention from parents. also, girls are often more verbally proficient at an earlier age than boys and in the twin-set this often means the girl will verbalise demands and the boy sit back.

In terms of managing tantrums, the key is to remain calm yourself. humans

Well balanced: Vikki’s twins Kai, left, and Jasper

will match the emotional state of the person who is with them (so if you are angry and the other person is angry you will both become angrier; if you are calm and the other person is angry then eventually they will match your calm state). Tantrums in toddlerhood are usually to do with finding it difficult to manage frustration: either they can’t do what they want to be able to do or they can’t find the words to tell you what they need.

Try to soothe your child (no, this is not ‘rewarding the tantrum’) with a cuddle or some kind of body contact. Up until the age of three, children’s brains are not sufficiently developed to calm themselves down on their own, so you have to do this for them. The more secure they are in your ability to calm and soothe them responsively, the more they will learn how this can be done for themselves in time. Try taking deep breaths (breathe in for a count of five, hold for seven, exhale for eight) as you hold your child.

a tantrum is the only way the child knows to express themselves; to ignore it invalidates their needs and will make them more frustrated (though you can try distraction). If the tantrum is about you enforcing a boundary then you must be consistent and firm whilst remaining calm. It is very important that your child learns that you mean what you say. after a tantrum with a child above the age of three, return to them when things are completely calm (I would suggest over a bowl of ice cream!) and explore what happened to make

tara’s tripletsTIPs WITH NEWBOrNs

My best friend tara has just had her triplets. here’s her advice for others expecting multiples based on her experience so far…

Bottles: don’t stock up on same-size teats. our trio needed different bottles and teats to suit each one. have enough bottles for 24 hours, though, as time runs away...

Get some baby prem dummies to help with their sucking reflex.

if your babies are in special care, be around as often as physically possible to feed your babies: the sooner they can feed, the sooner they’ll be home.

we’ve got our trio’s feeds within a half-hour of each other to make it easier once they’re home from special care.

them feel so bad. Then you are acknowledging the need or frustration and can gain an understanding which may help prevent tantrums.

Dear Vikki,i’ve been putting off moving my two-year-old triplets from the cot into beds, even though they can climb out of the cot if they want to. the problem is that they wake a lot in the night and will wake each other up as they share a room. how should i go about moving them into beds? Nancy Maciver

I wonder if putting them into beds will make much difference. If they can move more freely in and out of bed, it is possible that they will actually disturb each other less.

I would suggest keeping the beds in a similar position to their cots. It is important that each triplet has their own bed and preferably their own style of bedding. also, I would try to make your own peace about letting them sleep in each other’s beds. They may want to enjoy the novelty at first, but they are likely to tire of this and want their own space. If you clamp down early on, they are more likely to do it just to get a reaction.

Moving to beds can be a significant marker for us mums that our babies are growing up, so make sure you acknowledge any feelings. By being open to feeling the mixed emotions of the next stage you are less likely to become ‘stuck’ and keep them in cots because you secretly want them to stay babies.

21www.tamba.org.uk

supporters: corporate primary: individuality

Morrck helps our familiesclothing company Morrck has been supporting tamba for four years, raising £3,927 last year for tamba and an unbelievable £10,241 in total!

The maker of - among other things - the Baby hoodie and the Splasha Robe continues to donate £1 from every online sale to Tamba to help families with babies in neonatal care. This helps to distribute Tamba’s neonatal guide and provide neonatal information at our antenatal courses, as well as offer telephone support through Twinline to the 40 per cent of multiple birth families who experience the ups and downs of life on the neonatal ward.

as a Tamba member you get a 10 percent discount on Morrck products so remember to use your Tamba discount code when shopping at www. morrck.co.uk – you will also be supporting our neonatal work at the same time!

£1 towards supporting families in neonatal care each time you buy online

FOUndaTiOns FOR gROWTHthey’re ‘two peas in a pod’, ‘two halves of the one whole’, ‘double-trouble’… Parents of twins will be familiar with phrases like these. From the moment they are born, twins and higher order multiples often find themselves lumped together as a single unit, especially if they are identical. But like all children, multiples need to have their individual personalities recognised and learn to function independently of one another.

as they grow up, begin to talk and get ready to start school, multiples face the extra challenge of growing away from one another while also trying to establish their own identities.

Research shows that encouraging individuality can help children develop better social and language skills and lead to them tolerating separation better. In her book, ‘Twins and Multiple Births’, Tamba consultant Dr carol cooper outlines why individuality is so important for multiples: ‘This process, called individuation, means becoming a complete person, with an ability to form relationships with others.’

Factors such as tiredness, time, finances and a lack of support can make many parents feel as though they are not doing enough to encourage their children’s individuality. The good news is that individuality is not something

a few good habits can support children’s developing individuality without running you ragged

parents can do to multiples: they are individuals already. But parents can help to enhance or obscure this individuality.

helping your multiples to develop their separate identities doesn’t need to be a mammoth project. There are many simple ways to build up children’s individuality that won’t run you ragged. One of the simplest is to make sure you and those around you refer to your multiples by their separate names, instead of as ‘the twins’ or ‘the triplets’. Dr cooper suggests that when multiples are together, parents should try to use one child’s name at the beginning of a

sentence so they all know who is being spoken to.

‘Some twins get confused between their name and their twin’s. If this happens a lot, get the child who is addressed to tap himself on the chest when you speak his name,’ suggests Dr cooper.

Small moments spent with each child individually can also make a difference. This doesn’t require more than one parent. When one child is busy, do an activity or have a quick cuddle with the other, and before they go to bed try to sit with each child and ask them about their day.

as they grow up, multiples will develop their own interests and friendships. If one shows a particular interest in an activity, try to encourage them. But encouraging multiples’ individuality needs to be balanced with acknowledging their special relationship with one another. Dr cooper warns not to push differences for the sake of it: ‘One wants to play the piano and one wants to play the violin? Great. But maybe they both want to play the piano. helping children develop as individuals does not mean making them poles apart for the sake of it. It means helping each child choose what to do and who to be.’

Buy Dr Carol Cooper’s book from the Tamba shop at www.tamba.org.uk/shop; a copy is free with Tamba gold or silver membership

encouraging individualityTOP TIPs

• Give each child individual time and attention by having someone look after one or by playing with one in a different

room

• talk to each child separately about their day, even for a couple of minutes

• Address each child by their name and make eye contact with them

• Give the children and other people visual clues to identify their uniqueness

by dressing them differently, having different hair styles or having the same

outfits but in different colours

• encourage individual interests but try not to insist on it. enhancing individuality can mean allowing a

multiple child to do the same as his/her sibling

• encourage people to treat the children as individuals, e.g. separate birthday

cards/invites

• challenge others if you feel they are treating the children as a unit

• Give each child their own space (own corner or chest of drawers)

feature: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

22 / SPRING 2014 www.tamba.org.uk 23

fiVe Go to NepAladventure beckoned Fergus and Janet Hadley when they swapped their savings for a year travelling in southeast asia

focus: adventure

THe BeginningJanet: Was it when I lost my rag with the kids for not putting the lids back on their felt-tip pens that all this began?

‘Some children in the world would treasure a set of felt-tip pens,’ I found myself saying, knowing how hollow that must sound. The only way to truly understand these things is to see the world for yourself.

Then there was the day I found myself wondering, ‘What do I want to think about when I’m old and looking back on my life?’. having a new kitchen didn’t figure on the list.

We had savings, so the biggest hurdle was getting a career break. as the main breadwinner, giving up a safe job in a recession was a step too far. So the real beginning came when I got the go-ahead from work and booked five flights to Kathmandu.

No going back now. It really was the beginning.

THe aRRiValfergus: a surprised double take. Wide eyes.

‘Fet Sam?’ (That’s ‘three twins’ in Thai. There’s no word for triplets. I guess they are too rare.)

I smile proudly.

‘Fet sam.’ (‘Yes, three twins.’)

a closer look, one girl at a time. Then awestruck agreement.

‘aaw! Fet sam.’

She looks around, wondering who else to tell. a thrilled whisper follows to someone nearby, but a discovery like this is too exciting not to be shouted across the street. ‘Fet sam!’

and it starts again. The newly engaged

come to stare at someone else’s country, it’s only fair that they look back, too.

THe Kidsscarlett: The thing I will remember most about Nepal is the elephants, like huge boulders rumbling along the road with the mahoots (riders) balancing on top.

evie: and the elephants had different faces. They towered above people, motorbikes and horse and carts.

Jemima: They get hit by the mahoots, which makes me feel sorry for them.

scarlett: In Nepal, honking your horn means ‘I’m coming past you!’.

evie: I loved meeting Phurba Sherpa. he is a half-famous porter-guide who travelled with us and helped us find our way.

Jemima: he’s small and happy with black hair and brown eyes. If he goes with a porter called hari he is always shouting, ‘O hari, O hari!’ over and over again. he is kind and kept buying us sweets!

scarlett: I miss my friend Bharat Kattel. Every day after I broke my leg falling during a walk, and couldn’t go with Jemima and Evie to elephant bath-time, he would play the tiger moving game (a local game like chess) with me.

evie: If you want to make a bus journey in Nepal you have to be prepared for a wild, bumpy journey during which you will probably feel sick. You find yourself rattling along a cliff ledge with a terrifying drop below you and a towering cliff above you.

THe VeRdiCTJanet: I am no longer afraid of the endless series of what we would call

stranger widens their eyes. They double take. and, disbelieving, ‘Fet sam?’

‘Fet sam,’ the woman confirms. They turn to me. ‘Fet sam?’

I confirm it, too. ‘Fet sam.’

Wonder! ‘aaw! Fet sam!’ and a look around for someone who hasn’t yet heard the news. ‘Fet sam!’

There’s no need for conversation starters when travelling in southeast asia with triplets. Wherever we go, they’re a sensation. But it never feels intrusive. The wonder is genuine. and when you’ve

Grub’s up: Evie, Jemima and Scarlett tuck into some street food in Nepal. Top right, Jemima gets ready to try

deep-fried bamboo worms (three, of course). Below: chilling with the iPad

No flapping: Evie, Jemima and Scarlett enjoy the elephants at the Crocodile farm in Pattaya, Thailand

‘near misses’ on the roads in England. The swerving of the taxi past the rickshaws, mangy dogs and motorbikes feels almost calm compared to some of the journeys we’ve made.

fergus: The internet in Nepal is so slow. Food comes slowly in cafés. Bureaucracy requires more chitties, desks and members of staff than I ever thought possible. But if you slow down, it’s fine.

Janet: The way everybody conducts themselves in Nepal is both alien and admirable to me. I realised, slowly, the difference between what I think is polite and what is actually polite here. For example, it’s fine to ask personal questions about your family, your job, even your income. But it’s not OK to raise your voice, to be impatient or, worst of all, to lose your temper.

fergus: Trekking together gave us time to talk and to listen. But even in the cities, we’ve had time to really enjoy being in our little family unit. No school or work to separate us.

having the future so much in flux can be unsettling, but not knowing what might happen tomorrow brings today into focus and makes me notice the passage of time in a way I never do back home. In fact, being thrown into unexpected situations is much of what makes travelling rewarding. In responding to a challenge, you find out who you are and what you’re capable of.

Read the family blog at www.travelswithtriplets.com

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24 / SPRING 2014

GROWING UP, UP aND aWaY

With little kids you’re still pretty much Boss of Everything: what they eat, who they play with, and what time they go to bed (on desperate days you can even fiddle the clock and pretend it’s night time at 5.30pm).

Teenagers are different. My 17-year-old twin sons, who once loved me so much they’d clutch at my ankles when I tried to leave the room, now simmer in their bedrooms for what feels like weeks, emerging only to request food and cash.

They announce that they’re going ‘out’ with ‘people’ (no further details supplied). They insist they’ll clean their own rooms (read: it will never be cleaned again), and that they might not come on holiday with us next year.

It’s confusing and heartbreaking. I wasn’t prepared for the suddenness of the change.

column: teens

Why this is good: Food bills have plummeted. Ditto washing up. and I no longer have to rack my brains to cook something the visiting kids won’t shudder at.

2. they won’t let us help with homeworkWhen you’ve been involved in every aspect of their lives it’s unsettling when they no longer want your input. I’m a great believer in ‘being around’ in case they do want help, but that never happens. Like cutting up their food or running their bath, they just don’t need me to do it for them any more.

Why this is good: They’re managing fine without parental input. also, sometimes their homework was really hard.

3. they won’t let us choose their clothes The stage I found trickiest was when I still bought them the odd thing - a plain

F IONa GIBSON

Fiona Gibson on the changing roles of motherhood - and why teens are like a colony of baboons

Yet it’s not all bad news. I find myself secretly observing my children and their friends in the manner of David attenborough studying a colony of baboons. Even the challenging aspects can have pleasant side effects. here’s why…

1. they stop inviting friends round for tea I kind of liked the extras at our table. There was something pleasing about setting a tray of chicken drumsticks down and watching everyone dive in. If their mates are round now, they don’t appear to eat anything at all. Occasionally I’ll find a greasy chip carton or a few prawn crackers. It’s important not to take this personally. It doesn’t mean they hate us or think our dinners are foul, just that they have no desire to sit around our table eating in the presence of adults and having me top up their glasses with juice.

T-shirt, maybe, nothing controversial, no red corduroy trousers or diamond-patterned tank tops. My purchases would either disappear into a vortex, never to be seen again, or be swiftly returned to the shop. I no longer choose them anything, not even pants.

Why this is good: No more drifting around Top Man in a haze of confusion. My teens have a quarterly clothing allowance which has to cover everything.

4. they’ll no longer play the piano/guitar for visitors My sons and daughter would occasionally play a tune for visitors, until one day one of them remarked, ‘I’m not a performing monkey, Mum’, and it stopped.

Why this is good: I’ve stopped being one of those insufferable parents who shows off about their kids’ talents.

5. they won’t hug us The sudden withdrawal of affection is galling. The changeover period was worse - one day I’d be rewarded with a cuddle and the next it’d be like trying to hug a metal post box. I felt faintly pathetic, pawing at my kids almost begging for affection. and so I backed off.

Why this is good: Of course it’s not really, but it is natural. Friends with older kids assure me that the hugging does return eventually, usually when they’ve come home from college with a pile of dirty laundry. It’s important to remember that, while our big, gangly teens might not crush us with cuddles anymore, they still love us. They’re just less likely to show it with their arms.

fiona’s new book,

take Mum out, is

published on 13

March (Avon,

£6.99)

27www.tamba.org.uk

older multiples: relationships

Untying the knot? The twin bond remains strong in adulthood, but how do you find space for it in a marriage? lindsey civil, a volunteer with the Department of Twin Research and Genetic Epidemiology at King’s college London, considers her own experience

Sharing the person you love is not ideal for everyone. My twin sister Karen and i exist on the basis that what is hers is mine, and what is mine is hers. Whether it is clothes, jewellery, furniture, in fact anything, it can be used or borrowed by Karen.

My first husband struggled with this. he once locked away our dinner service and hid the key to prevent me lending it to Karen.

My reaction was disbelief, but also - perhaps antagonistically - I just continued to lend my things to her without him knowing. These actions almost certainly led to the breakdown of my marriage; it was such a sensitive subject that it wasn’t open for discussion.

The truth is my first husband felt threatened by my relationship with my twin sister. Our bond was too much for him.

My second husband, Neil, is the opposite. he actively encourages contact with Karen and her children. her husband, too, is like a brother to me and we have a strong relationship.

Twin bond (above): Lindsey, right, with Karen as childrenMirror image (left): Karen, right, with Lindsey as teenagers on the day they swapped schools for April Fool’s Day; neither teachers nor friends spotted the trick!

Interestingly, my mother, herself a twin, has at times felt excluded because of the closeness of my relationship with Karen. although she appreciates the bond we share, she is probably right in recognising that we need her less because we have each other.

Karen and I had joint friends at primary school and were referred to as ‘the twins’. When one of us passed the 11+ exam and one didn’t, we went to separate secondary schools and developed different interests and friends. I think Karen found the separation hard, but we remained incredibly close, sharing a bedroom and a bed until late into our teens.

These days we also have individual

friends, but as we live close to each other it is often the case that if someone is friends with one of us then they automatically enter into a relationship with the other. Occasionally one of us gets jealous and half-jokingly says ‘That’s my friend!’ - but it’s mostly harmonious.

The relationship I have with Karen sets the bar high in terms of the communication we expect in other important relationships. I don’t mean that Karen and I agree about everything; it is more that we have an intimate understanding of where each other are coming from, and why our opinions differ. There is a tolerance that arises quite naturally between us; I am not sure that this exists in our other relationships.

Only recently we were discussing what effects this had had on us. If you spend a lot of time with someone who understands your viewpoint, are you in danger of believing that you’re always right? It is wonderful to have someone who ‘gets’ me, but it is also important for me to ‘get’ other people.

We have long been volunteers with the Department of Twin Research, and it was on a visit to St Thomas’s hospital that Karen gave me a Two Pearls in a Pod necklace – a memento of our volunteering and our twin bond. I adored it and from here the idea grew for a company specialising in gifts and cards for twins and their families. That’s when we founded our business, the Twins Gift company.

Being a twin is a really positive aspect of my life. For my husband, my twinship is something to be embraced and celebrated, and for that I admire him. But I’m not sure I would want to share my husband in the same way. I want to be his best friend, his confidante and his support. Would I want to be married to a twin? Probably not.

Lindsey, right, with Karen: ‘We remain incredibly close, but also enjoy our lives separately’

28 / SPRING 2014 www.tamba.org.uk 29

Multiple joys

please take photos on a high resolution setting (300 dpi+). photos cannot be used if they are less than 300kB in size. email submissions with ‘photo Gallery’ in the subject line and 20 words to multiplematters@hotmail.co.uk by 15 April. sadly, we cannot print all the photos we receive. tamba uses its building individuality policy to prioritise submissions (www.tamba.org.uk/individuality).

Miracle births, first birthdays, school landmarks and sunny days, your multiples joys fill up the Tamba photo gallery

photo gallery: celebrations

Joshua and Rosalena, aged four and a half, on their first day of primary school. Mum is very

proud of them both!

First day at school for our wonderful triplets, Oliver, lucy and Hannah shelton.

Our beautiful surprises eliza and

alice, aged 19 months, enjoying

the late summer sun in their

silver Cross pram. perfect!

seth, amelie and niamh Howley, our miracle babies,

born 15 July 2013 at 33 weeks. Tiring but amazing!

Our beautiful twinnies isabella

and louis, born 8 March,

relaxing on a sunny day!

Four-year-old lois and esme

refusing to let the wintry weather

spoil ice creams on the beach! identical twins Harrison and Malachi on their second birthday. Mummy and daddy love you both so much.

Our gorgeous babies nate &

elise, born 13 July at 38+2

Meet my twins eadie Mabel and Felix Rider Wenn, born 10 October, with

big sisters annie and alice, 4, and big brother Fletcher, 5

Our wonderful grandsons noah

and Oliver, born 19 June 2012,

ready for a trip out in winter.niamh and alice atkinson, aged

three and a half, are over the moon with their new baby sister

Harriet Kate - as are we.

Our gorgeous girls, identical twins amelie lucy and Jessica Rose with baby

sister sophie grace.

Charlie & Oliver dempsey, born

at 32 weeks on 3 september, the

best thing that ever happened

to us. love Mommy and daddy.

Our precious twins, erin and

noah askin, born 28 May. Born

together friends forever, loved

so much by Mummy & daddy

Our identical twins Charlie and

Henry, born 28 July 2013 at 35

weeks. Mummy and daddy are

very proud of them.

sophia and anabella enjoying their first Christmas. Born 2 January 2013 - Mummy and

daddy’s greatest day.

Orla and Cody Massey are five

months old. Mummy and daddy

are very proud of them.

scarlett & Rose Manley, our little princesses, all dressed up for a family wedding - Mummy and daddy’s little blessings.

Our gorgeous girls Hermione, d’arcy and amelia, born 2 October to proud parents aimee and gareth.

Jake and lucas started nursery in september - it took

two months of crying but they love it now.

Happy 1st birthday ellie & Rosie! You are the peanut in my butter and i burst with pride that you are mine

Apprehensive about taking your twins abroad?Why not rent our modern 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in Spain? 30 minutes from Alicante or Murcia airport, 10 minutes drive from the beach. On the edge of a traditional Spanish village. Fully equipped for twins. Swimming pool. Roof terrace.

postbag: readers write

LettersOn unnecessary helmets for flathead syndrome, reading Multiple Matters at dawn and timely information on seasonal bronchiolitis

email letters to the editor at multiplematters@hotmail.

co.uk or post to tamba’s office at hitherbury house, 97 portsmouth road, Guildford, surrey, Gu2 4dl marked for

rachael claye

noticeboard: ads and more

tAMBA discouNters Tamba has set up dozens of discounts exclusively for our members. Visit www.tamba.org. uk/discounts for the codes to claim your money off. any organisation wishing to offer discounts to our members should contact luciewigley@tamba.org.uk.

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JellYBuGshttp://www.jellybugs.co.ukJellybugs is a fun and vibrant play café with soft play, lots of play equipment and of course a fantastic café area. Tamba members will be able to take advantage of our two-for-the-price-of-one offer in the play cafes (venus on website) Monday to Saturday.

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reNewiNG discouNterswoodeN toY shophttp://www.woodentoyshop.co.ukas parents of twins we understand the expense of birthdays and christmas and we’re delighted to offer a 10 percent discount off wooden toys to Tamba members.

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cold coMfort i read my copy [of the Winter edition of Multiple Matters] at 5am after dealing with twins with colds. i enjoyed all of the articles and it really lifted my spirits. Ceri Margerison-Bird

remember

to tell your

favourite shop

to join tamba’s

discounter list!

BuG cAtcher Thank you for your little piece on bronchiolitis. My son is currently recovering in hospital as i was able to identify all the symptoms i read about in your magazine. Vicci Hunt

MAYBe BABY i loved Cathy’s story about her triplets starting school with another baby on the way. My twins are due to start school next september and we are thinking of trying to have another baby. lovely read… Karen Alexander

opeN AdMissioN The Winter issue was a very good read - enjoyed the articles written by the mums and thrilled to hear of the government’s new advice on school admissions for summer-born children.Leila Byword

DIScLaIMER: Multiple Matters is published by the Twins and Multiple Births association, registered charity 1076478, registered company 3688825. Multiple Matters © Tamba 2010.

ISSN 0967 – 8867. Tamba would like to point out that items in the magazine are collected from individuals and excerpts from newsletters etc. The views and suggestions are taken in good faith and the opinions expressed are not necessarily endorsed by Tamba. Likewise, advertising or the use of product names does not constitute a recommendation or endorsement by the association.

Twinline is a national, confidential, listening and

emotional support service for all parents of twins, triplets and

more, and the professionals involved in their care. It is

staffed by trained volunteers who are parents of multiples.

twinline is open everyday from 10am to 1pm and from 7pm to 10pm on freephone

sAfetotshttp://www.safetots.co.ukSafetots offers a wide selection of safety products to help parents create a safe environment for their children to grow up in. Quote your discount online or by calling 01438 728 888 to receive a 10 percent discount on all products.

fruGihttp://www.welovefrugi.comFrugi organic children’s wear offers Tamba members 20 percent off on all full-priced items. Please call us on 01326 572828 to order or use online code at the checkout on our website.

cooMBe Millhttp://www.coombemill.com£30 discount, free cots and high chairs on purchases of a week’s holiday at coombe Mill in any of their properties. Family farm holidays from tiny tots to grandparents on a 30-acre working farm. Join the daily tractor rides to help feed and care for animals then hop on board the coombe Railway for a fun ride in the afternoons. Self-catering cottages and lodges for every budget, play areas, play barn, river, fishing lakes, woodland and gardens to explore…

chArlotte & cohttp://www.charlotteandco.co.ukcharlotte and co is a collection of reasonably priced luxury clothing featuring homewear and loungewear made from high quality natural fabrics such as cashmere, silk and cotton. Bestselling products include nighties, underwear and camisoles. Products are available exclusively via mail order catalogue and online. Please visit our website or use a catalogue by phoning 0844 499 3133 and quote your discount code to receive 10 percent discount.

roofBox coMpANYhttp://www.roofbox.co.uk/tamba11Our prices are already massively discounted but for Tamba members we offer an additional 10 percent discount off any purchase on our website.

the BuNkcot coMpANYhttp://www.thebunkcot.comTamba members will get a 10 percent discount on three in one convertible Bunkcot & the Original Bunkcot. Our bunk cots are an ideal solution and provide comfort whilst saving space.

plAYduVet http://www.playduvet.comThe award-winning PlayDuvet® is a totally unique play space, designed to enable the whole family to play together face-to-face and stimulate child development from birth right through the early years.

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BrAckeNBorouGh hAll coAch house http://www.brackenboroughhall.comWinner Best Self-catering holiday in England 2009 Silver award, winner Best accommodation for Families in East Midlands 2009/10, Best Self-catering holiday in the East Midlands 2008/09. Three apartments accommodate 1-24. Owners Paul and Flora are parents of twins and Tamba members. ‘Families welcome’. Four free cots/highchairs. children’s play haven half mile from road. Farm tours. Short breaks. Sandy beaches 20 mins. Pets welcome. 10 percent discount for Tamba members.

polArN o pYrethttp://www.polarnopyret.co.ukPolarn O. Pyret of Sweden have been making clothes for over 30 years and our garments are specifically designed with children in mind. We are offering Tamba members a 10 percent discount off full-priced merchandise.

eurocAMphttp://www.eurocamp.co.ukEurocamp offers an excellent choice of European holidays across 153 parcs in 11 European countries. Save up to 50 percent off your 2014 Eurocamp holiday with the Tamba discount code.

flAt wroNGOur son experienced a flat head early in his life, which has now corrected itself. We considered getting one of the £2,000 helmets featured in an article in your Winter issue (‘Heads up’). it was suggested in the article that medical professionals do not have enough knowledge of the condition. The fact is they do, and have very sound medical reasons for being ‘anti-helmet’. Our paediatrician informed us that the helmet companies start putting the helmets on babies at around five months, when the condition would start to slowly correct naturally as babies start to turn whilst sleeping and playing. He said there was real concern among the paediatric community that

companies take advantage and make money out of concerned parents.

i was interested to see the reference to adults with plagiocephaly in the article. Our paediatrician said that any adult with flat head syndrome would most likely have a condition that was caused by a skull deformity or bone growth issues, which the helmets would not be able to help with.

There is a good reason the nHs don’t fund helmets: namely, babies’ heads rectify themselves. Name supplied

You can read NHS guidance on flat head syndrome at http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/plagiocephaly/Pages/Introduction.aspx