Missing PersonsCommon reactions of those left behind

When someone you love goes missing, you may experience significant feelings of loss and trauma. There is no right or wrong way to deal with the disappearance of a loved one. What you are experiencing is known as “Ambiguous Loss” i. This means that your missing loved one is physically absent from you but, kept psychologically present. This is NOT the same as loss or grief associated with death.

Ambiguous loss is often described as a very traumatic and complex loss:• Your loss is uncertain; you don’t know if your missing loved one is alive

or dead;• Your grief is frozen, unresolved, and you may feel stuck in time; • There is no closure; no finality; no validation or acknowledgement of

your loss;• Your life carries on while you try to make sense of what has happened.

Finding ways to live with the uncertainty that this loss brings to your life is vital to your health and wellbeing. Your life will continue while the uncertainty remains. You can learn to live with the uncertainty and deal with the changes in you and your family moving forward.

When someone you love goes missing, you may begin an emotional journey, which is unique to missing and different to other types of losses. Traditional models of grief and loss do not apply to those impacted by missing. With the uncertainty of not knowing what has happened to your loved one, there may also be stronger emotions that come to the surface. You may feel some or all of the following: Self-blame, guilt, doubt, confusion, distress, fear, frustration, anger and vulnerability. These emotions are normal and you have the right to feel exactly as you do.

Ways to Cope:

• Reduce stress – physically and emotionally. Acknowledge the pain of not knowing.

• Connect with others in your community who have missing loved ones and know that you are not alone.

• Share what you are going through with family and friends so they too can support you.

• Learn as much as you can to help you understand. •Canadian Centre for Information on Missing Adults

http://missingpersonsinformation.ca •Missing Childrens Society of Canada

http://mcsc.ca•Ontario’s Missing Adults

http://www.missingadults.ca• Let the love of your missing loved one help guide you on your

journey of uncertainty.

A support guide “Missing People: A guide for family members and service providers” ii was developed primarily for family members who find them-selves in a situation similar to yours. It’s important that you have someone you can talk with in a safe, non-judgemental, and empathic manner. If you decide to see a counsellor, the counsellor is not there to “fix” you, but rather to listen and support you based on your individual needs.

There is a counselling framework that has been developed that may be of assistance to your counsellor. This framework is titled “Supporting those who are left behind” iii.The concept of a trauma timeline can help you understand what events might trigger you during the time your loved one is missing. These include prior events leading up to your loved one going miss-ing, filing the report, the investigation, the search, the waiting, hope, and moving forward. This is not a linear process. You may repeat these as your circumstances change: police jurisdiction or investigator changes, tips, sight-ings, leads or new information.

____________________________________________________i. Dr.PaulineBoss,1999,AmbiguousLossLearningtoLivewithUnresolvedGrief,Presidentand

FellowsofHarvardCollege,HarvardUniversityPress,Cambridge,Massachusetts,USAwww.ambiguousloss.com

ii. FamiliesandFriendsofMissingPersons,2014,Missingpeople:Aguideforfamilymembersandserviceproviders,DepartmentofJustice,NSW,AUhttp://www.missingpersons.justice.nsw.gov.au/missingpersons/ffmpu_publications.html

iii. AustralianFederalPolice,2007,SupportingThoseWhoAreLeftBehind,CommonwealthofAustralia,NationalMissingPersonsCoordinationCentre,SarahWaylandwww.missingpersons.gov.au/support/overview.aspx