Free Worksheets from Mind and Emotions

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31

The Cost of Avoiding Emotions

assessing YouR avoiDanCe stRategies

Using the following worksheet, list the difficult feelings you try to avoid, your short-term avoid-ance strategies, and the long-term consequences in your life. Do this for each of the types of avoidance that you employ on a regular basis. Below, we’ve provided a sample worksheet that combines responses from several people with typical avoidance experiences.

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Mind and Emotions

avoidance Consequences Worksheet

types of avoidance Bad feeling i want to avoid

short-term avoidance strategy

long-term consequences

situational:avoidance of certain people, places, things, or activities

Feeling closed-in, trapped by people

Stay out of crowded elevators, subways

Can’t work downtown

Guilt about divorce Avoid my son Becoming strangers to each other

Intimidated by people watching me

No eye contact or public speaking

People think I’m antisocial and shifty

Cognitive:avoidance of certain thoughts, images, or memories

Guilt and depression about growing apart from my wife

Distracting sexual fantasies

Never deal with the relationship

Fears of injury and disaster

Push the mental images away

Getting even more fearful

Worry about kids getting hurt

Constant ritualized prayer

Distracted and alienating my kids

protective:avoidance of risk through checking, cleaning, perfectionism, procrastination, or carrying lucky charms, a cell phone, mace, and so on

Fear of criticism and scrutiny by others

Perfectionism, overdoing everything

Exhausted, criticized for perfectionism

Fear of failure or inadequacy

Procrastination, can’t get started on papers

Flunking out and depressed

Afraid of getting robbed or raped

Purse stocked with cell phone, whistle, and mace

Maced my neighbor by mistake, lawsuit

somatic:avoidance of internal feelings like fast heart rate, palpitations, being out of breath, overheated, tired, excited, sexually aroused

Fatigue, exhaustion Never exert myself Garden and marriage dying

Excitement, rapid pulse and breathing

Downplay every success, stay negative

People ignore or avoid me

Sexual arousal, which feels like panic

Don’t go on dates Loneliness

substitution:seeking stronger, more tolerable emotions, numbness, alcohol, drugs, bingeing on food, gambling, risk taking, video games, pornography, and so on

Depressed and lonely Bingeing on food Overweight, depressed, and lonely

Boredom, guilt, and shame

Drink too much, then drive and gamble

DUIs, poverty

Anxious about nearly everything

Get lost in computer gaming, eBay, porn

Girlfriend left me

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The Cost of Avoiding Emotions

avoidance Consequences Worksheet

types of avoidance Bad feeling i want to avoid

short-term avoidance strategy

long-term consequences

situational:avoidance of certain people, places, things, or activities

Cognitive:avoidance of certain thoughts, images, or memories

protective:avoidance of risk through checking, cleaning, perfectionism, procrastination, or carrying lucky charms, a cell phone, mace, and so on

somatic:avoidance of internal feelings like fast heart rate, palpitations, being out of breath, overheated, tired, excited, sexually aroused

substitution:seeking stronger, more tolerable emotions, numbness, alcohol, drugs, bingeing on food, gambling, risk taking, video games, pornography, and so on

39

Values in Action

The worksheet below was filled out by Phil, a fifty-four-year-old technical writer for a soft-ware company, who’s been feeling depressed, anxious, and guilty. Phil has been married to Anna for fifteen years, and they’ve both put on weight and aren’t feeling very interested in each other sexually or otherwise these days. Phil’s dad died two years ago and Phil was the executor of his dad’s will. He borrowed $4,000 from the estate without telling his two brothers and hasn’t paid it back, and he feels guilty about it. On top of all this, he was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but he hasn’t managed to get on top of checking his blood sugar and changing his diet.

phil’s values Clarification Worksheet

Domain not important

somewhat important

very important

value

Intimate relationships X Love for Anna

Parenting X

Education and learning X

Friends and social life X

Physical self-care and health

X Staying healthy

Family of origin X Integrity

Spirituality X

Community life and citizenship

X

Recreation and leisure X

Work and career X

Other:

Other:

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Mind and Emotions

values Clarification Worksheet

Domain not important

somewhat important

very important

value

Intimate relationships

Parenting

Education and learning

Friends and social life

Physical self-care and health

Family of origin

Spirituality

Community life and citizenship

Recreation and leisure

Work and career

Other:

Other:

41

Values in Action

Keeping a values in aCtion log

Use the following log to work on your most important two or three domains from the previous exercise over the next ten weeks. In the first column, write your most important domains and the core value you identified for each.

Then, in the second column, write your intentions: the things that you’d be doing if you could get past all the painful thoughts and feelings that keep you from acting 100 percent according to your values. Avoid vague, general intentions like “Be more loving” or “Stay calm.” For the purposes of this exercise, describe small, discreet, measurable actions:

• What you will do exactly: actions and words

• Whom you will do this with

• Where and in what situation you will do it

• When you will do it

Next, visualize yourself doing each of your intentions. Close your eyes and really imagine what it would be like, using all your senses: see yourself and any other people, watch what you do, hear the sounds, smell the smells, feel temperature and textures. Imagine what will be running through your mind and what will be happening in your body. Concentrate on the thoughts and feelings that will be barriers and tend to stop you from following through on your intention. When you have a good sense of the typical barriers to each intention, write them in the “Barriers” column.

Finally, commit to putting your values and intentions into action. Use the log to record the number of times you acted on each of your intentions each week. At the end of ten weeks, you’ll have a record of how you did.

Here’s a blank worksheet for your use, followed by an example filled out by Phil. We rec-ommend that you continue using the log for other values and intentions in the future, so make several copies and leave the version in the book blank for future use.

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Mind and Emotions

values in action log

most important domains and values

intentions

(in detail: who, what, when, where, how)

Barriers

(feelings and thoughts that keep me from acting on my intentions)

number of times i acted on my intention during week number …1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Domain:

value:

Domain:

value:

Domain:

value:

43

Values in Action

values in action log

most important domains and values

intentions

(in detail: who, what, when, where, how)

Barriers

(feelings and thoughts that keep me from acting on my intentions)

number of times i acted on my intention during week number …1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Domain: Intimate Relation-ships

value: Love for Anna

Hug Anna when I get home from work.

Too depressed. 4 4 2 5 4 4 2 1 0 3

Compliment her appearance or something I appreciate.

Resentful of her weight gain.

1 2 0 0 2 0 0 0 0 0

Domain: Physical self-care and health

value: Surviving my diabetes

Check blood sugar daily.

Anxious, depressed, don’t want to know.

5 4 5 3 1 1 0 0 7 6

No more morning donut.

Feeling depressed, “I need a treat. One won’t hurt.”

4 4 4 3 2 0 0 2 5 6

Make a salad and veg for dinner.

Hungry, don’t want to take the time.

5 4 3 2 2 0 0 2 5 6

Domain: Family of origin

value: Integrity

Figure principal and interest on my loan from Dad’s estate.

Guilty, rather not even think about it. “I’m greedy.”

1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

Sell coins and railroad collection on eBay.

Feeling of loss. “I love this stuff.”

0 0 0 1 0 1 2 0 2 0

Send money to my brothers.

Ashamed, embarrassed.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 1