MET GALA 2013

Where punk died.

ersatz punk

People who tried really hard to nail the theme and ended up

looking ridiculous.

CHRISTINA RICCI

I actually love this, but not with fishnet

stockings, and not on Christina Ricci. (She

has such an odd shape! I’m sorry, but it’s

true). It would have looked great on Gwen

Stefani.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

I had curtains in fabric strikingly similar to this as a child. I was literally afraid of them. If you look at it for too

long, monsters appear to emerge from it. I don’t like this dress at all, and I think

Amanda’s beautiful porcelain face is lost in the pattern.

ANJA RUBIK

It seems like she’s leaning forward

awkwardly to conceal her pantslessness, and what appears to be a hem made out of a piece of jewellery.

AUBREY PLAZA

Apparently Aubrey Plaza is the secret imaginary

girlfriend of nerdy boys in every corner of the

internet. I don’t know why, because she always plays the same sarcastic, lacklustre character. Her weird frock is similarly

unappealing.

CARINE ROITFELD

It’s not that I don’t love Bambi. I’m just not buying the trend

for high-fashion Disney-themed

knitwear, especially at formal events.

COCO ROCHA

I looked at some close-up pics if this, and I

still can’t work it out. Feathers? Moths?

Whatever it is attached to her leopard-print

turtleneck dress, it’s not an improvement.

ELIZABETH BANKS

I’m not sure if this gold jacket would be better or worse with the gold trousers it

probably came with.

ELLE FANNING

Elle Fanning is into some weird psychodelic retro clothes (Google “Elle

Fanning suit”). The tie dye concept could have been fun, except for the poor

construction of the frock. And even hippies know

that you never match your eye shadow to your

tie-dye.

A BOY IMPERSONATING JANUARY JONES

I seriously thought this was a male at

first. The dress might have been cute, but

the androgynous hair and makeup are truly

awful.

JESSICA BIEL

Apparently Justin Timberlake tells Jessica Biel

what to wear. She keeps turning up to events in dresses with

matching pants, so I assume he prefers pants, she prefers

dresses, and they compromise for the sake of the marriage.

There’s no other explanation.

JLo

Jennifer Lopez is, ironically, dressed as a

cougar.

JULIANNE HOUGH

Like a lot of others, Julianne went for a mohawk-inspired

updo and edgy makeup. It’s too harsh

on her. The dress is uninspiring. She tends to try a bit too hard on

the red carpet.

KAROLINA KURKOVA

I have a strong dislike for Karolina Kurkova, which I just developed

right now. The pattern on this dress is hideous. It looks like it cost $7.99 from one of those websites that sells polyester clothes

suitable only for clubbing.

KELLY OSBOURNE

*rollseyes*

KERRY WASHINGTON

This Vera Wang ensemble is just too much. I could be on board with the purple silk fabric, and I don’t have an issue with her pushing the boundaries for this event.

But there are too many competing elements. Shorten

the gloves and lose the peplum and the black mesh

train and we’ll talk…

VERA WANG

…on the other hand, I give up.

KRISTEN STEWART

I can’t figure out why Kristen Stewart even attends these things. She hates wearing

heels, and loves privacy, but turns up

to red carpet events in crazy formal onesies.

LENA DUNHAM

With Erdem Moralioglu, whom I assume is responsible for the fashion label.

Lena couldn’t look less bored, and her arms

aren’t her best feature, but I have no quarrel

with the dress.

LILY COLE

From “101 Ways To Recycle Your Shower

Curtain.”

LILY COLLINS

Lily clearly just raided her wardrobe for black items of clothing and then wore them all. With her colouring,

she could have looked amazing in something still punk-themed, but

understated.

LIYA KEBEDE

I kind of get where she’s going with this, but I don’t think she quite pulls it off. The

explosion of black tulle doesn’t look like it belongs there. The

hair doesn’t help, either.

MADONNA

If this event has demonstrated anything, it’s that people need pants. Madonna reminds me of Cate Blanchett in Indiana Jones 4. Which is not a compliment. To either of them.

MILEY CYRUS

Remember when we used to think Miley

Cyrus was gauche and slightly odd-looking? In hindsight, I think

that was her chic phase.

NICOLE RICHIE

This dress is Topshop, and I could admire both the frock itself and the decision to wear a high street

brand to a highbrow function if it wasn’t for the radioactive

birdsnest on her head.

NINA DOBREV

When I said “people need pants,” I did not mean “with dresses.”

SIENNA MILLER

The internet seemed to like this, which

makes me want to go and live in a cabin in

the woods somewhere. I think she looks

costumey, and not in a good way.

COLOUR

Not everyone wore black.

AMBER HEARD

I’m just uninspired by this. I guess it’s fine. It probably doesn’t

help that I keep seeing Amber Heard

everywhere and don’t totally know who she is.

ASHLEY OLSEN

Oh Ashley, you weird little firefly. The dress under the chiffon cape might be nice, but the

slightly luminous effect of the

diaphanous fabric and its non-descript

muted-brownish-orangey-yellowy-

blush colour is...disorienting.

CAMERON DIAZ

On reviewing this, it’s probably technically not that bad, but I can’t help feeling

that Cameron Diaz just looks spooky-weird. Like the alien

queen of some extra-terrestrial kingdom. She

keeps aiming for high fashion, but she’s really in

her element as a casual California beach girl.

ELETTRA WIEDEMANN

Elettra is Isabella Rossellini’s daughter. She has a lovely

face, and apparently she has modelled in the past, but

she’s not dramatic enough to carry such a bizarre outfit,

and the combination of pink and yellow is pretty

nauseating.

GWYNETH PALTROW

Gwynnie is just a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. She wears edgy

black mini dresses to every red carpet event for years, and

then she’s invited to a punk-themed function and she opts

for an even less inspiring doppelganger of the ill-fitting pink gown she wore to steal

Cate Blanchett’s Oscar.

IVANKA TRUMP

The navy and green colour combination is very current, so I can

see what she was aiming for. Needless to say, she missed the

mark.

JESSICA PARÉ

Weird makeup aside, this dress is hard to

fault…

JESSICA PARÉ

…until you realise it’s PANTS.

JOELY RICHARDSON VANESSA REDGRAVE

and DAISY BEVAN

I know they look a little outrageous,

but I actually love these three. They

were among the few to exploit the trend for neons, and as a

trio they’ve appropriately

referenced the punk theme without

going in costume.

THE LADY IN THE BACKGROUND

I’m doubling up

because I just realised the lady in the background is

also wearing PANTS.

KATE BECKINSALE

Kate Beckinsale used to be sweet and

interesting, but on the red carpet these days

she almost always looks a bit trashy. The

dress is okay, but I wish she didn’t so

often opt for gravity-defying hair.

KATE BOSWORTH

No outfit is successful that elicits a gasp of

medical concern.

KIRSTEN DUNST

This simply fails to impress me.

NAOMIE HARRIS

I’m not in love with the dress, but the

colour is amazing, and Naomie is beautiful

enough that she looks like an exotic bird of

paradise.

SOLANGE KNOWLES

I’d like this better if it had a classic split

down the side instead of an optical illusion

giving the appearance of under-shorts. She can get away with a

lot, though, especially with that dramatic

hair.

STELLA McCARTNEY

Naughty, Stella!

UMA THURMAN

Uma is doing her best Blue Steel here, but she looks like

she thinks she’s attending the Golden Globes in 1995.

The people in the background aren’t even

looking at her. This mermaidy gown just feels out of place, as does her over-earnest expression.

BLACK, WHITE & GUNMENTAL

Mostly monochromes not outlandish enough for the punk

section.

BLAKE LIVELY

I can’t breathe, just looking at this.

EMMY ROSSUM

I have déjà vu. Emmy seems to wear gauzy cobweblike fabrics a

lot, especially in these pale, silvery shades. She’s done it more successfully in the past – her hair and

makeup are too much.

GIULIANA RANCIC

As always, Giuliana looks a whisper away

from death. The heavy-handed makeup

doesn’t help.

HILARY RHODA

I could handle the leather pants, but the

top/dress is uninspiring.

JAIME KING

Once again, this is a case of trying too hard. The suit is

probably fine, but not with this combination

of other features: high-necked lace top, gold shoes, elaborate crown and side-swept

hair. She looks uncomfortable.

JENNIFER MORRISON

The dress is passable, although I don’t like it. She looks like a

scary widow. The hair and makeup are really ageing. I don’t know why Jennifer lightens her hair. She looks so

much better as a brunette.

KATHRYN NEAL SHAFFER

I have no idea who this person is. I don’t actually like her dress,

but she’s beautiful, and I tend to give

people who look like early 20th century

fashion illustrations a free pass.

KATIE HOLMES

In the first pic I found of Katie Holmes, I thought

she looked absolutely stunning, but it didn’t

show the full dress. Now that I see it, I think she looks like a giant squid,

albeit a pretty one.

LEELEE SOBIESKI

I don’t know why Leelee Sobieski gets invited to stuff, or why she always looks so

stern. I think she wants to be thought of as an interesting

indie muse rather than a mainstream movie star, but I

rarely see her in anything. This might be quite lovely, but I’m not persuaded that

the embroidered chiffon sleeves improve the frock.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

The swatch of fabric attached to Renee’s

hip might have made a lovely frock.

ROONEY MARA

Here is Rooney Mara in a white dress with goth makeup, pursing her lips and nervously clutching her fingers. I

know I’ve seen this before.

SANDRA LEE

Sandra Lee is a TV chef and Rich Person.

She once made a hilarious “Kwanzaa

cake.” Google it.

MARC JACOBS and SOFIA COPPOLA

Oh, you two!

byzantine, baroque & bling

You’d be surprised how many people fit in this category!

ASHLEY GREEN

Even her expression says “can you believe

how unflattering this is?”

BEYONCÉ

Women who have had babies probably

shouldn’t attempt to squeeze their chests

into restricting leather corsets. Also, are those matching boots? This

is crazy-ugly.

GINNIFER GOODWIN

I actually love this dress. The hair and

makeup spoil it.

KATY PERRY

Katie Perry is wearing a Dolce and Gabbana dress which actually

looked amazing on the runway, so I

sympathise with her attempt to carry it off

in real life. Unfortunately, she flew too close to the

sun.

DOLCÉ & GABBANA

This is the dress. The novelty of the blingy

iconography is balanced by the

conservative cut and the cute mary-janes.

Katy Perry is not subtle enough to make

this work.

GIOVANNA BATTAGLIA

Giovanna Battaglia is some kind of European fashion

editor, and regularly photographed by The

Sartorialist et al., so she knows what she’s doing.

Outrageous as this outfit is, I think she looks amazing, like a Russian fairytale princess. This is what Katy Perry was

aiming for.

HEIDI KLUM

It’s rather pathetic to see Heidi turning up to events in trashy

bridal-wear.

LAUREN SANTO DOMINGO

I don’t know who this person is. She doesn’t

look good.

LINDA EVANGELISTA

Okay, this is WAY TOO LITERAL a

take on the Russian fairytale princess. Plus

I think her hair is crimped. You look ridiculous, Linda!

MARY-KATE OLSEN

Gilded Age socialite with dementia.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELY

Rosie is dating thuggish British actor Jason Statham

and I tend to assume (perhaps unfairly) that he encourages her to display no less than 80% of her

upper body on any given red carpet.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Again, no one seems to be looking at SJP,

though she’s desperately trying to

be a spectacle. It might be time to take it down a notch and

aim for ‘chic NY socialite’ instead of

‘predictably outlandish main

attraction.’

ZACHARY QUINTO

I don’t know if it’s the outfit or the pose, but I’m waiting for him to shout “draw!” and pull

pistols out of his pockets.

crop tops, sheer panels & strategic

cut outs. I was over these trends

BEFORE this event.

ALEXA CHUNG

There was a lot of midriff on the red

carpet, and if you look closely, a lot of black granny pants. I’m not

a fan of either.

ALICIA KEYS

This is not high fashion.

ALISON WILLIAMS

She’s melting! Meltiiiing!

ANNE HATHWAY

Given that she’s growing out a very short crop, I guess

now is the time to try blonde hair, if ever.

I miss the old Anne Hathaway.

ANNE HATHWAY

Lately she reminds me of a young Liza

Minelli, and this dress totally looks like

something she would wear.

BROOKLYN DECKER

Apart from the ubiquitous tube-top, I actually kind of like

this. The classic cut of the dress and the natural hair and

sophisticated makeup balance the potential

weirdness of the sequinned pattern.

CARA DELVIGNE

I wish this didn’t gape so much (seriously, if

designers stopped slashing necklines to

the waist, people wouldn’t need tube tops), but otherwise Cara Delvigne has

nailed the punk theme. Pun intended.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Poor Daisy. She looks nice, but she clearly wants to be at home watching her new husband play the

banjo, or whatever it is they do with their

evenings.

CAROLINE MURPHY

When I picture Caroline Murphy, it’s in Tiffany

advertisements, and she’s usually wearing a beige

cashmere coat and standing in Central Park while a

superfluously handsome man hands her a diamond ring. Not

flashing her Spanx in a frou frou black dress with ostrich

feather trim.

CHLOE SEVIGNY

I have an irrational hatred of Chloe

Sevigny. It’s almost a phobia. The turban

and the scowl do not help. Also, the dress

looks ripped above the bust, and I can see her

underwear. People need to stop flashing

their underwear.

DOKATA FANNING

Dakota Fanning is one of those girls who was

adorable (if precocious) when

little, but as an adult doesn’t really fit

anywhere in Hollywood. This

frock should be risqué, but it’s just bland.

DONATELLA VERSACE

This just makes me feel tired of life.

DOUTZEN KROES

Clothing has two purposes: warmth and CONCEALMENT.

This frock is counter-productive!

EMILY BLUNT

A potentially chic dress, but the gap at

the bust looks unintentional. Also her hair and makeup make her look like a

manic cross-eyed clown, which I’m sure is not the look she was

going for.

EMMA ROBERTS

This is fine! For a weekend music

festival or something.

EMMA WATSON

I know she’s trying to shed the Hermione

Granger thing, but I’m weary of seeing Emma Watson in revealing black gowns with her

hair slicked back.

FLORENCE WELCH

I’m pretty sure Florence Welch just opens her wardrobe

before any event, with any dress code, and

says to herself “which drapey Wiccan-

inspired floor-length black gown will I wear

tonight?”

GISELE BUNDCHEN

I can’t stand this woman. That chain mail stuff is totally transparent. I’m not including a close-up.

GWEN STEFANI

The formal punk theme of the evening

is right up Gwen Stefani’s avenue, and while I don’t love the giant starchy bow, she looks better than most

would in this.

JESSICA ALBA

Once again, Jessica Alba turns up to an A-list event despite not having made a decent film since

(insert decent Jessica Alba film here). I’d

prefer this without the boob-and-ab-windows.

JESSICA HART

I like the concept of the flowy black skirt, but the bodice is too

small, and too trashy.

I can’t not mention the person in the background who appears

to be in a transitional state between normal underwear-clad woman and fluorescent yellow

mermaid.

JOAN SMALLS

Is Joan Smalls a model? I don’t think her dress is

lined. The sheer trend is getting tiresome.

MIRANDA KERR

Despite being extremely slim and very beautiful, Miranda Kerr usually dresses sensibly and elegantly. Unfortunately for this event she appears to

have put a racer-back dress on backwards and then (like a lot of other people) thrown a tube top under it for modesty. Do people just purchase them by

the dozen from Supré? I expect better, Miranda!

NIKKI MINAJ

She looks dazed. I assume she has been hypnotised;

otherwise this is inexplicable.

OLIVIA WILDE

Is there a fabric shortage in New York?

RITA ORA

I don’t totally know who Rita Ora is, except that she keeps

turning up in ‘Worst Dressed’ lists. I actually think she looks

quite lovely here.

TAYLOR SWIFT

She picked a strange time to ditch her edgy bangs for a

demure half-updo.

PEOPLE WHO DRESSED

NORMALLY A few rebellious people just

ignored the punk theme altogether.

BELLA HEATHCOTE

I don’t really know who Bella Heathcote is, but I think she’s

Australian, and she keeps turning up at things. She looks

like she just stepped out of a Jane Austen novel, and because I’m not a huge fan of punk, and because she looks so quaint, I

kind of like this.

CHELSEA CLINTON

Understated but pretty. (Did we really expect her

to turn up in a leather bustier with safety pins

in her ears?)

CLARE DANES

Meh, whatever.

FELICITY JONES

Yeah, this is fine too, I guess.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Jlaw looks depressed, like she’s attending a fancy mafia funeral. I get what she’s aiming for here

with the ballet-length Dior dress, and it would probably

look great on Marion Cotillard, but it just doesn’t suit Jennifer’s personality. Additionally, she’s sort of broad-shouldered, and

the strapless gowns she prefers tend to make her look top-

heavy. Lighten up, Jennifer!

JULIANNE MOORE

Why is EVERYONE wearing severe updos? I don’t

like this dress, but it might have been pretty with long,

loose hair or an asymmetrical 1920’s wavy bob.

KAREN ELSON

The dress is lovely in a relaxed way. I wish her hair

was more special.

KARLIE KLOSS

Karlie was recently the subject of controversy when she appeared in a Victoria’s

Secret catalogue with BOBBED. HAIR. There was

an outcry. Apparently the American patriots who shop at VS like their models with

voluminous, wavy hair extensions,

thankyouverymuch. I thought she looked cute. I

actually kind of like this frock, too.

KATE MARA

I can see what The Lesser Mara was going for here, and

I love the colour of the bodice, but it just eliminates her waist. The whole look is probably more appropriate for a less formal occasion.

KATE UPTON

Kate Upton, I gather, poses in swimsuits a lot. This frock is pretty much a swimsuit in dress form. In other words, it would be lovely for a classy

Californian pool party.

LILY ALDRIDGE

For a casually chic dress, this passes muster (I seriously

almost wrote “passes mustard.”) The yellow is a

little non-descript for me, but it’s fine.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

A lot of people online seemed to approve of this, but I think she looks truly dreadful. The dress itself is probably fine, but she needs some support in the bust, and her haircut

is ageing and so unflattering.

(Did you ever watch her in ‘Nanny McPhee?’ She was

just adorable).

MARION COTILLARD

I have a Marion Cottillard bias. She’s so pretty and

stylish and FRENCH that I tend to approve of

everything she wears. Honestly I don’t like this.

The hint of yellow with pale pink is unexpectedly lovely, and I like the shoes, but the lopsided skirt and the peach

bodice is a little too uncoordinated. A+ for hair

and makeup.

MEGAN SALT and NANCY CHILTON

I have no idea who these people are. I just think the one in the knee-length silk dress and fur jacket looks

effortlessly chic. That’s the way to dress for a big event

when you’re not a very famous person.

MICHELLE DOCKERY

Fine for high tea at Claridges? Maybe too sedate

for a punk-themed gala.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS

I don’t think Michele Williams’ legs are her best feature. Frankly, she has

chicken legs. However, she looks fine here, if boring. There are a lot of pointy

black t-strap shoes tonight, no? You know I love a

nostalgic shoe.

MINDY KALING

Americans find Mindy Kaling hilarious and

intelligent, but I’ve been watching her show and I’m

not getting it. This looks like a high school prom photo.

PEOPLE WHO probably weren’t

supposed to be there

I can’t work this guest list out.

TIM MINCHIN

What? The seedy underground piano bar is this

way, Tim Minchin.

KYLIE MINOGUE

I don’t know exactly where Kylie Minogue belongs these days, but I’m pretty sure it’s

not here.

KIMYE

Good grief, you two, go home. Put something on

that’s made of jersey, watch reruns of Friends and eat

toast.

STACY KIEBLER

What is the sound of one hand clapping? If a tree falls in the forest, would you hear it? What is a Stacy Kiebler without a George Clooney?

A riddle for the ages.

the best

There really were some I actually liked!

JOELY RICHARDSON, DAISY BEVAN and

VANESSA REDGRAVE

I know I already put these three in the colour section,

but I think they deserve to be here too. They just look

bright and joyful and interesting. Daisy is beautiful in a pre-raphaelite way, and her take on punk is elegant and pretty. I love her shoes.

ANNA WINTOUR

I have to admit, The Ice Queen looks like a summer

meadow. She tends to stick to the same neatly groomed,

ladylike formula, but it works for her. I even have a

grudging respect for her immortal bob, which I

assume is lowered into her head every morning like Darth Vader’s helmet.

BEE SHAFFER

Bee looks lovely too. On someone else I might have found this bridal, but Bee is

so pretty and normal-looking that I think she looks radiant

and youthful, which was refreshing at this event.

BEE & MUMMY

Funny that both eschwed the punk theme. It worked in

their favour.

CHANEL IMAN

I couldn’t get a good picture of this from the front, but it seems striking without being

garish.

DIANE KRUGER

I couldn’t get a decent picture of this either, but it looks

chic, flattering and timeless.

DIANE & PACEY

I’m just including this for the “aw!” factor.

EMILIA CLARKE

Miley Cyrus wishes she looked like this. The frock may not be revolutionary, but it fits beautifully, her

hair and makeup are pretty, and the earring is a suitably

subtle nod to the theme.

HAILEE STEINFELD

Apparently this is made of leather, and the sequins are

actually safety pins! Props to Hailee for incorporating

iconic punk materials into a demure and age-appropriate frock. I don’t love her hair

and makeup (I think she was going for an 80’s vibe), but

I’m willing to overlook that. Also, when asked to cite her favourite punk artist she said

“Avril Lavigne,” which is pretty cute.

ASHLEY MADEKWE

Ashley Madekwe is the one in the middle. I have no idea who she is, but I think she

looks gorgeous, and the sequinned pattern on the

dress is very Art Deco (that would have been a better

theme for the gala, wouldn’t it?) Her hair is cute, too – a nice change from the hair-

gelled updos on everyone else.

MINKA KELLY

This may prove controversial, but I kind of

love this. I think I wanted to look exactly like this

between the ages of 14 and 18 – sort of a cross between

Princess Leia and The Lady of Shalott. I don’t love the

empty space down the centre of the bodice - it looks

accidental. Otherwise, I think she looks interesting

and unique.

NORA ZEHETNER

I’ve seen Nora in a couple of things, but I still can never quite place her. However,

Marchesa’s take on an Indian sari is very pretty, and again,

it’s nice to see someone wearing something unique but

not downright outrageous.

ZHANG ZIYI

Hi, Zhang Ziyi! Where have you been? We’ve seen this exact dress dozens of times before, but she’s so lovely I

can’t fault her.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL

This dress is SEERSUCKER of all things. And I love it. (I’m aware that I’m in the

minority). I want to wear it on a yacht on the Riviera. So

cottony and fresh, like a grown-up sundress. It suits

Zooey’s personality perfectly, and it’s

adventurous and whimsical without being ridiculous.

Also, her purse has a safety pin on it; an ironic nod

to punk.

hair and beauty

The weird and the wonderful.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL

Zooey’s fringe is so iconic it’s shocking to see her without. She looks lovely, and more

mature, but she needs work on her brows. When you have a

fringe, it’s easy to forget about your brows, and I’m guessing Zooey didn’t quite know what

to do with hers. She needs a makeup artist who knows how

create a flattering arch.

CAMERON DIAZ

This belt looks dangerous. Literally dangerous. She’d

better not hug anyone.

EMMY ROSSUM

The makeup at this event was predictably extreme. A lot of people went overboard with

the smoky eyeshadow. Emmy looks like Cleopatra, and not in a good way. Her hair appears to have been done the night

before and then slept in.

GINNIFER GOODWIN

I hope this is the peak of Ginnifer Goodwin’s

experiment with avante-garde personal styling. In Mona Lisa

Smile, her character regards herself as plain. Subsequently,

I’ve formed a theory that Ginnifer thinks she’s

unattractive in real life, and has therefore decided to be edgy and artistic instead. In fact she’s really pretty, and I wish she’d just go with that.

GIOVANNA BATTAGLIA

This is so eccentric and elaborate, it shouldn’t work. But because of her personal

style, beautiful face and European colouring, she carries

it off. She looks like Frida Kahlo.

JAIME KING

Does she or does she not resemble Dakota Fanning?!?

I had to look twice. I think the dramatically side-swept hair with the lopsided crown and the high lace neckline is all

crowding her face. Too much clutter, too many competing

angles. She should have picked just one of these three features

to focus on.

JENNIFER MORRISON

Oh my. I think I can see actual stitching, and why is her hair

all powdery? She could have at least had the roots touched up.

JENNIFER MORRISON

It doesn’t look great from the front, either. Far too severe.

She could be 60.

JESSICA PARÉ

With her dramatic features and great bone structure,

Jessica Paré can pull off some bold makeup, and I don’t

object to people having fun with eye shadow of Elizabeth-Taylor-esque proportions, but this look is too heavy, and it

actually detracts from the beauty of her eyes.

KATIE HOLMES

I kind of admire Katie Holmes since she fled the world’s most nefarious cult and its deranged spokesperson with custody of her daughter, so I might be biased. But her face looks

lovely here. She models for Bobbi Brown now, and I love her line of makeup, so maybe she has taken Katie in hand.

KRISTEN STEWART

Do you think she used Brylcreem for this slicked-back

androgynous do? It’s very West Side Story. Can you tell I don’t like it? The makeup is too much, too. She should be

in her element with a counter-culture theme, but she looks

like she’s been styled by someone else.

LILY COLE

I think she has actual bubblegum stuck in her hair.

There must be authentic punks out there looking at some of these pictures and groaning.

LILY COLLINS

This is possibly the worst makeup of the evening. Lily

has amazing eyebrows. Overdoing her most famous feature was a mistake. She

could have skipped the weird brow-effect and still

looked edgy.

MARION COTILLARD

Perfect.

MARY-KATE OLSEN

Her hair looks greasy.

MILEY CYRUS

I think this is what’s known in the industry as “rock bottom.”

MINKA KELLY

The matte ivory skin and plum lipstick are very 1990’s, but it works. If I was writing for a cheesy teen magazine, I’d say something like “at an event

where most attendees opted for dramatic eye makeup, Minka

proves that a pretty face is your best accessory!”

ROONEY MARA

Been there, done that. Rooney looks like she’s wearing

foundation and powder a couple of shades paler than her natural skintone. This is what

I would look like if cryogenically frozen.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

The ageing Vegas showgirl look isn’t working for you,

SJP. The headdress is utterly ridiculous.