memories of wms g.a.t.e. 8th grade 2010

30

Upload: andrea-l-wurm

Post on 22-Nov-2014

821 views

Category:

Education


1 download

DESCRIPTION

Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

TRANSCRIPT

Page 1: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010
Page 2: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

It’s Time For…

West Middle School G.A.T.E. Edition

Page 3: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

8A1

BREAKING NEWS!

Our top story involves certain bands of pirates who have been spotted throughout the St. Louis area.

These savages appear to be armed and may be dangerous. We will keep you updated throughout this newscast.

Page 4: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Welcome to Weekend Update, West Middle School Edition 2010.

Our first headline involves famous fashion designer Stephanie Dailey, who recently launched a new line of hot-pink, knee-high, hi-top, feather-covered, rhinestone-bejeweled, lace-up, polka-dotted, platform chucks that buckle up the back. The new line debuted on a runway show in Germany, modeled by Daniel Radcliffe and Edward Cullen.

When asked where she got her inspiration for her latest trend, she refused to answer, saying that gossip hurts everyone. She then proceeded to jump and spin, which has become her signature red-carpet move.

Page 5: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

In other news today, Highly Distinguished Professor of Astrophysics Tyler Etling recently published his latest research in the Journal of Tall People Who Wear Einstein Wigs Made of Fringy Paper (aka, Fringe Division).

His newest discoveries have caused a breakthrough in forensic science. However, nothing has quite topped the stir he created earlier this year when he announced the shocking and now-famous revelation, “There’s a back?”

Page 6: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

In Health News, antipseudoroboticist Kyle Lynch has made an amazing transformation from an exceedingly overweight junk food junkie into this trim, spry young daredevil who is able to skate nonchalantly into a classroom exactly one perfect nanosecond before the bell. Quite an accomplishment!

He claims he worked off the extra pounds by consistently throwing his binder across the room. Although he highly recommends this exercise, he sarcastically added that it may result in knocking a teacher’s picture frame into a million pieces.

Page 7: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Sports enthusiasts will be happy to hear that world-reknowned cup-stacking champion Matt Morris will be coming to St. Louis on tour next week. The Guinness Book of World Records will be on hand to document Mr. Morris’ latest attempt to juggle baseballs while listening to two fashion-hyper girls talk loudly and incessantly about nothing in his ear.

As you might recall, Mr. Morris was recently acquitted of misdemeanor charges of attempting to poisonously claw his work colleague who skipped out on him to Philadelphia and left him with an entire jail to paint.

Page 8: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

The latest news in our Entertainment sector involves High School Band Director Jessica Stano, shown here with her trusty, handy-dandy baton. Her band of well-trained musicians will be performing Beauty and the Beast…or maybe not…or yes, we think they actually will…or at least, might.

Anyway, the show, which has been in rehearsal for 12 years now, will feature Ms. Stano’s very own composition entitled, “I sat at a table with Ty Etling all year and never even hit him once.” Tickets go on sale next week.

Page 9: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Political activist Maggie Zink has taken a sabbatical from her position as head of Psychiatry at the University Hospital in order to protest the destruction of underprivileged, trilingual, multi-gendered fruit flies caused by the melting polar ice caps.

Her famous billboards can be seen in every major city, featuring her signature Japanese anime artwork with psychedelic overtones. Drivers passing the billboards can download Maggie’s latest soundtrack as they drive by.

Page 10: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

8B1

This just in from our on-scene reporter: the pirates seem to be appearing in groups of 5 or 6, and have been captured on film performing swashbuckling stunts. More later.

Page 11: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Next up, world events, brought to you by the letter aa‘R’.

Local hero Sir Devon Gatchalian has decided to return to the United States, after being knighted by the Queen of England for saving her beloved cat. Gatchalian, who politely declined to arrrrrgue with reporters, apparently flew his handmade helicopter to the top of the tree to rescue the terrified animal, whom he commanded to “freeze!”

Unfortunately, no photos of the event were available, due to Sir Gatchalian’s hair, which covered the eyes of all the onlookers.

Page 12: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Hollywood’s most elusive star, Lexi Konarik, was seen briefly entering the famous Helen Keller Museum in downtown Los Angeles, yesterday.

Konarik, is best known for her Oscar-winning role as the only female in the company of hyper macho, prank prone, pirate noising, young hoodlums. She has also won awards for her impressive art portfolio, and her tireless work demonstrating painting techniques to throngs of small annoying children determined to destroy her exhibits.

In her free time, Lexi can be found aggressively demanding spirit day count re-counts.

Page 13: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Ahoy, mateys. It’s Captain Joshua Mercer from CANADA. With a collection of creative Thinkstir answers as sharp as his sword, it’s no surprise that Mercer has earned a well-deserved reputation for drawing toes on Vitruvian Men.

Although in the past, rumors surfaced that he had, at one time, donned a wig and used a falsetto as the understudy in a gossip commercial, his latest trend of wearing a red tie has recently begun to takeover local schools. We’ll keep you posted on any future developments. Made in Canada.

Page 14: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

National Champion Dylan Parker is shown here with his blue ribbon for once again winning the coveted title, Official King of Broken Bones. Parker, who is happy to answer to Parker, or Parker?, or Parker!, is an orthopedist’s dream come true, having fractured every one of his 208 bones, (plus a few belonging to his cohorts in crime, as well.)

It’s clear that none of his injuries have caused any damage to his brain, since he has recently perfected his ergonomically-friendly protractorangs. He plans to use them on anyone who calls him Nerdon.

Page 15: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

In other news, astronaut Dylan Weir recently returned early from his space shuttle trip to the non-planet Pluto, just in time to don a very thick and itchy black beard for his upcoming press conference. When asked why his flight on the shuttle was cut short, he replied, “It’s broke.”

Mr. Weir is an accomplished pilot, having successfully folded 273 ½ paper twirligig-whatchmacallits…and what not. Oddly, he has allowed a certain teacher to select a book for him to read every three months for the last 14 years. He calmly assured reporters that he would indeed continue to mutter during morning announcements and get into stupid verbal one-up-manships with his fellow colleagues.

Page 16: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

8B3 Breaking news on the pirates: they have been bursting into song and quoting rhymes. This seems odd since many of them are flying Jolly Rogers with threatening symbols.

Page 17: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

FBI Director Robert Ehrlich was spotted today wearing the undercover disguise of a shy sixth grader with an oversized trench coat and glasses. Ehrlich, who has been tracking the vicious Captain Morgan for months now, gave us a blow-by-blow description of the chase scene as it unfolded:

“Here we are folks, in round one of the boxing match, and our criminal is putting one foot up on a chair, and, wait, he’s posing for the cameras, and now, here comes the pitch, and it’s… oh, it’s outta here, it’s on the roof!…”

Director Ehrlich, who is faces re-election in the fall, has been campaigning heavily, and hopes to become the next elector.

Page 18: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Elementary teacher Emily Genet has been nominated for teacher of the year for her extremely innovative methods of equipping young students to prepare for the future.

It appears that Ms. Genet’s students are actually living in the clouds in a floating bubble designed by the class. The bubble, puzzlingly nicknamed the Mona Lisa, is tethered to the ground with bungee cords. Genet attributes her success to her unusual policy of demanding that there always be at least three females in each class.

Page 19: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Sports legend Ty Hunt was in town this week promoting his new ping pong paddle, pictured here with the very catchy world atlas design. Hunt is offering a special deal for everyone who purchases their new paddle online: a very tasty and utterly free Ham!

To visit Hunt’s website, go to www.leo’sspringcar.com and click on “buy a vowel.” You will need to type in your name, phone number, and a large Scharfes β.

Page 20: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

U.S. National Security Advisor Casey ‘βhwah’ Jameson has been receiving very favorable reviews for his newest book entitled, “It’s the Quiet Ones You Have To Worry About.”

Mr. Jameson was invited to serve the White House in this capacity because of his expertise in the areas of bioterrorism, ancient crossbow manufacturing, and silent sign language motions for violent suicide methods. His signature move, however, continues to be the now-famous pirate yell, which he implements upon entering his office every morning.

Page 21: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Obama’s newest cabinet member, Friendship Task Force appointee Justin Kramer, recently completed his 22nd marathon, achieving a record time of just 2 hours,22 minutes, and 22 seconds. Kramer, who trains under the nickname Zvahnsik, was happy to offer his advice to other marathon hopefuls: “Be nice. If someone tries to punch you, crawl between their legs. Be nice. If you don’t know an answer on a foreign language test, write something cute instead. Be nice. And if you have any other questions, just google me. Oh yeah. And be nice.”

Page 22: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Professional hockey star Braden Zink has temporarily taken a break from his favorite sport to tackle a special project awarded to him by the former President Barak Obama. The job is to build a 643 foot tall gold statue of a bald eagle out of packing boxes and brown paper.

To raise money for the project, Zink is selling hairs from his famous Blackbeard’s beard. Act now and you can get one hair for just $50.00, or 5 million Brain Booster points. Operators are standing by.

Page 23: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

8B5 Live Update: The pirates are now headed for the Arch and the Mississippi River, apparently trying to escape by boat.

Page 24: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Police are still investigating a shocking crime which took place yesterday. This beautiful marine biologist, Yasmine Benchaabane, apparently had her lovely long black hair and cute feminine clothes stolen in a bizarre act of brazen robbery.

Benchaabane, who is well-known for her uncanny ability to communicate with dolphins of all seven seas by using her abundant plethora of various accents, hopes to have her belongings returned to her before her upcoming commercial shoot. The commercial will feature several famous German American kindergartners and Ms. Bean trying desperately to pronounce her name.

Page 25: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

The White House welcomes Prince Josh Dobyns to its annual Foreign Ambassadors Dinner which will be held this evening at 8 pm in the Rose Garden. Prince Dobby, as he is affectionately known to his constituents, brings greetings from his faraway land of Guys-in-minority.

At the dinner, the Prince will display his newly famous singing voice by leading the assembled guests in a rousing rendition of, “Ich heiβe Moritz, hallo.” This will be followed by a tour of his latest architectural creation, a Renaissance-styled amphitheater for future Quiz Bowl competitions.

Page 26: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

New York Times best-selling author Annie Marion appeared at her local book-signing today wearing her usual disguise of a mustache that refuses to stay put. Eager fans, who had waited 2 hours in line, had to be patient while Marion ran back home to bring in the books that she had once again forgotten.

Marion’s latest thriller novel involves a rich eccentric whose pet poodle, JoJo, gets her in trouble for burying multiple disembodied hands in her backyard.

Page 27: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

United States Navy Lieutenant Colonel Lianne Marquez received yet another honor today for her work as a trauma surgeon aboard the Navy’s flagship, The Louvre.

Marquez is the U.S. Navy’s first female officer to operate while dribbling a basketball and juggling honors classes. Known for her fierce competiveness, Marquez has resorted to somewhat “shocking” means in order to achieve her goals. However, German exchange student, Maya Jermann, defended her, saying, “She can pull out Jenga blocks without knocking down the tower—sie ist wunderbar!”

Page 28: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

Major League Baseball icon Andrew Smith has been placed on the disabled list, following this freak accident in which he was apparently blinded by a comrade’s sword.

Smith already wears one eye patch, having been flailed in the eyeball by a renegade ping pong ball. The ball was allegedly fired by Da Vinci enthusiasts, who turned the artillery from Smith’s model tank into a childish (but extremely fun) game.

Upon hearing that the culprits were his colleagues, Smith experienced his trademark blush, then quietly replied, “I’m actually the prince’s twin brother.”

Page 29: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

And now, in a happy resolve to our Top Story, the fierce bandits responsible for the roaming bands of pirates have been captured. They are none other than famed math-neuro-tech-analyst, Sam Wang, and his arch enemy, cartoon-quip-drama-boy, Ben Stanley.

Apparently, the ongoing bickering between the two unleashed the pirate troops, who ran wild through the city for nearly three hours before escaping on their Spanish Galleon. The two bandits are now in custody at South Middle School.

PIRATE LEADERS CAPTURED!

Page 30: Memories of WMS G.A.T.E. 8th grade 2010

So that wraps up this edition of our Weekend Update.

Tune in next time,

when we will be broadcasting

live from the ROOF!